The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Send, thanks. I thought it was pretty clever of E to pick it up and bring the ball the his brother. He is definitely thinking in the context of participating. It really was cute to watch him. Love my E!

Sharyn,
He is definitely very high functioning if he has been diagnosed properly.
He engages.
He can learn a game.
He can do it as instructed.
He can celebrate and share happiness about his success.

You can become a valuable asset to the team, assessment team too, as well as being a loving grandma and support for dd.

Start a notebook journal.
Today's date
Participated and learned game.
Make an entry as you did above, telling us.
Keeping it positive.
Show it to the assessment team.
(DD might be sensitive to it at first).
Never write in your journal a judgment-

Send whether you like it or not I must respond to your post to me. I really should have lnot responded to any of your posts afgter the private message I received from you allaying that I was paranoid with a touch of schiz. maybe its good you erased it after you decided I was ok when you came on here. I would have gone out of my natural mode to post what you sent to me in my distress. Lucky enough for me I was able to ignore and not give power to some of the things you said if I had been a little weaker or in a depression who knows what I lwould have done.

It saddens me that you see things I post as an attack. Had I posted your message maybe you would get an idea of kwhat an attack is.

I was very surprised at your pvt msg and now this. I was just posting and called my self reaching out to say no hard feelings. Had I been a weaker person or in a bad state of mind thae animosity just like in this last post could have thrown me in a very bad place.

I am on this post for my on sake. If its good I take it and use it . If its bad or dosesnt apply I dismiss it and try not to take it Personal.

I apologize with all my heart if I have offended you in my pain or sharing any of my experiences. I truly meant no harm and its sad you took stuff so personal Like I dont even know you.

I can go on further but its not in my heart to intentionally hurt or insult anyone.

I am very aware of who I am and I dont need your validation as far as my prosfession or personnally.
I am so sorry for pain. It was not intentional. I did not mean you any harm in any way.

Send,,,, as of this post your request will be honored.

Well, I apogize if I offended anyone. 

I came on tonight with a little of my usaual distress hoping for other perspectives,
I know it is tiresome hearing the same old crying, I am posting because I use the input and feedback
I dont know what was going on last week. I have constantly expess my pain of being falsely accused. I had to call the prayer line and was feeling like they were tiredof me too, especially after I had been diagnosed with paranoia and with maybe a touch of schizoidphrenia. This is truth. I went in McD waiting on line and the girl accused me of jumping in front of her. I was on the other side of these guys ordering so she didnt see me. Then I felt like this is the same type of spirit I get with my mother and sister. You did it you did it. So I was feeling bad and thinking I lshould not have responded to her at all.

Then I get to work 3 12 hour shifts. When getting off my last morning the relieving RN says the client mom says I am the one who was messing up microwave. I couldnt hold it in wrote her a note assuring her that It wasnt me. So I called prayer line about what is about me that draws this spirit of wrongful acussation and persecution and punishment. Its a theme that seems to follow me.

So while I am off my mother wander away. A past long time friend knocked on my door saying to come see about my mother. She was on a mission to find me and my sister, then she was just going. He waited while I went up toget dressed my intention was to walk her and ware her out.

Please bare with me.

So when we are leaving she is determined to take the elderly dog who can barely walk. Mind you she would call him back in every time I try to take him out for his business. I mop pee in hall constantly. So we spend like an hour going back and forth i put him back in house and lock doors she goes and get him out. I let her walk with hinm a ways and call him back and lock him in, this last time i let her get a block. I had him walking back but she did not come behind me. I told her to wait. She started walking. I called my friend who lives down one way ofa deadend street to be on lthe look out forher., By the time I locked dog in (he is slow) He met me where I last saw her and the search began.

I called nephew who is police officer. I started jnot to because he just dismissed the concern saying she would be okay this time adding she will be back. My first mind was to call police and I checked my self maybe I should wait... I calll my sister no answer.
While waiting on police my sister comesf home and my friend tells her before I get a chance that my motheris missing. She grandly says well no one called me. I gladly tellherthat she does not answer her phone. She goes upstairs.

While waiting on police my neighbor tells me my sister called her to see what happend. I was surprised with this type situation she couldnt ask me. I told nighbor she should have told her to askher sister.

Police get there take report ask questions check my id then ask to see her roomand roof. I take them to top floor calling my sister so she is not alarmed. they check, I tell them she is really missing. Now my sister see the police and now she calls my nephew.
She comes downstairs later passing the officers and go wait for my nephew. Meanwhile we are waiting for his supervisor. And he explains the process, and says that he has grandmother who did same and wasfound in another bourough.
He later gets call that my mother is inanother precinct long ways from us. I start to break down crying. The whole time I am looking I am saying to myself that I am doing good. It was only then that I realized how worried and tense I was because I did not get emotional during the search.

So we wait a long time for her. Meanwhile my nephew comes in speaks to officer and he and my sister walk right pass me. No what Happend, nothing. So now I know she is okay, my way with my stress is to talk about it. So I call my girlfriend tellingher about it. When I hereshe is heere I look up and my nepherw had out of view listening. All he had to do is ask me. But he and my sister are so bent on keeping meout of the loop with anything concerning my mother. Seemingly clueless that I am the one who spend the most time with her.

So now they both stand at curb waiting like the rescue team. Each on one side walking her in. She is still confused. I say I know you are tired. Did you eat. Usually that was my shoping cooking day. So I went out and bought her a sandwich. When I came back they were both around her ignoring anything I said. So I gave her the sandwich and went ob up stairs.

Next day the man workingon the shed in back tells me that they are cutting bar of gate. abd putting a key entey/exist lock on door.

Next day my sister knocks on my door for the first time ever since I moved in. Im sleep say who says here is key if you want to get out. I tell her leave it under doo

Now when go downstairs hours later, My mother is in pajamas, she had the same sandwich i bought her in another bag. which means she didnt eat anything. She ask s me for her keys.
So they have taken her keys and locked her in house. Meanwhile my mother is like stir cazy. Bags are in the hallway. She is bringing thins out of her room. She is making messes, the sink was stopped up with mess. dog pee in the hall and yet she had a bag with fish and chips on table..

So I am pissed that I was left out of the decision and its my mother and I live there also. She is confined, she was a controlling person and I can see her distress. She is aware because when I came down to leave she waited at the door for me. I went to the bathroom and when I came back she was sitting on sofa. But came to door with me. There was trash in bagsby the door and it was sad to see her peaking out the door and looking outside like she is banishe to come out. I was glad it was not a dilema as I wason my way to work.

I will not be locking her in when I go to work. she can start a fire in kitchen and I dont know how many times I have come in and fouind her sitting in smoke while a pot was burning.

I have always been hurt by being left out by my mother and sister. I thought I was used to it. I really dont have a clue about them being so adamant to block me out and ignore the fact that she is myt mother also.

The officers that were there waiting also could see. Wished me luck!@#$%

Send, we should find out sometime this week what the diagnosis is.

The thing is my mother gets meals on wheels. she has to come to the door and get her meals. She is lonely. Given our relationship it was hard for me to be around her. But in cooking andcleaning I am around her the most.

Before I left for work I came down to shower and the breakfast my sisteer bought this moring is there untouched. I made us a little bacon cheese bun and she ate it fast.

Yes I am a medical professional for over 30 years. This is not my job this is my life. The things info I applied to my job are out the window. The knowledge and skills I could use are being blocked. I am hurting over the obvious ban no matter how ridiculous and ignorant it is. It is not a paranoid delusion. This is real, very real.

I can remember a few very wise posts in response to my situation when I first came on. Some posts I have hung on too because in the back of my mind it was a bottom line solution only one I was not strong enough or financially able to do. I am just amazed at the things that are in people's hearts. I can give advice, I can help other people. But I dont have a clue on how to help myself, my mind, my heart. I have been so used to helping others in one way shape or form. I guess thiss was always the case in my family. I am amazed at how I could block my conscious from seeing it.

I am gratefull for any feedback. Grateful for any food for thought.

Ps. I spoke to my department of aging care counselor. She says they may have something coming up where I can get some real psychiatric help.

DDDuck, one thing that works for many people is to place your situation as though a friend was living what you are. What would You advise your friend to do?

DDuck, You need to remove yourself from the situation or by avoiding interaction with them. You cannot change your mother or sister. They are who they are. You can only change your own environment and how you respond to them. A person is not responsible for the actions of others. You have to make the changes you want in your life. No one will change just because you want them to. All of this may seem unfair to you, but no can make another person be what they are not.

SharynM, A Big Congratulations on getting a New Job! I'm sure you are relieved, and See, you had Nothing to worry about, as your work skills are impeccable, and your such a Lovely Lady!

Glad, a New Little Kitty to Love and come home from work to Snuggle With! I Love Cats, but I'm unfortunately allergic to them, otherwise I'd definitely have one too! So Happy you found just the right one!

Thank you Stacey! I felt confident enough with my experience to get hired quickly as long as there was an opening.

Dd and I went out this morning to get our nails done. Last time we did this was when my mom passed away. A little celebration for getting a job ( nails). I ordered the slip resistant shoes on Saturday. I do feel better knowing I will have a little income without being dependent on hubs for personal things.

Now to get laundry done. I’m behind on laundry. Just wasn’t up to doing much last week.

glad - so happy you have found a kitty. You have me thinking about a siamese. She will keep you warm cuddling.

sharyn - congrats about the new job. The closing time sounds much better. I hope the people there are good to work with. Do you get any benefits? E is a winner!!!!

upset - we still haven't had a proper frost in Fort Mc - very unusual. I expect we will have a green Halloween. All those grandkids. My!!!! Lots of people to cook for.

duck - you are out of the loop and I know it hurts. On the one hand you are very limited in what you can do for your mother. On the other hand you naturally and responsibly feel an obligation to look out for her safety, especially when she wanders. Have you consulted your local agency for aging and social services for ideas? Maybe a call to APS about the locks and her wandering. Not that it is easy as we all with difficult sibs know, but it will be easier on you if you can accept how your sis and nephew are. Try to detach from them. They are what they are and they are not going to change.

stacey - hope you are well and the docs find nothing significant. try to relax!!!!

Well, very tired and achy after the trip and the move, but the hotel is a great place to rest. R is working long, hard hours at his contract, so he is tired too. Guess we are getting old! lol

The old ALF called and said I had left some items behind which-I thought belonged to them. I arranged to have then removed and then they called back to say they could use them. O-kay!!! They need a check-out procedure.

The new NH called to say mother had arrived with only one hearing aid which means the old place has lost two in a few months. Fortunately the hearing place has a "one free replacement" policy. They can get a new one in a few weeks. Mother also needs new hearing aid batteries. Amazon will deliver them in a few days. I think I can order online pretty well everything she needs - personal toiletry items mostly. I will cancel the various accounts for medical supplies as the NH provides them. That means less to keep track of which helps and less mail Yay!!!

Home tomorrow as I have an appointment and R has a job interview. I will do some of the driving so he can nap in the car. He will work in the morning and really needs some rest before his interview. Sunday was a 14 hr day for him, outside and very physically demanding and today will be close to the same. I don't know how he does it.

Golden, Happy that things are going well with your mother. We do have a houseful if they all come at once. PJ is a good cook and always helps. The older kids always do clean up.

Stacey, Hopefully your tests will determine what the problem is and that it is nothing serious.

Have a great evening!

Thanks all. Everything that's been said is truth. My first post, I was advised to get out. I am not financially able. I am paying down taxes and debt. My job is not secure, no sick, no pension no vacation. I dont work I dont get paid.

I am speaking with the counselor from the department of aging. She states she has me first on her list for a new psychiatric program in the works where I can get professional help.

I see myself knocking my head against a brick wall. I am just too emotionallly attached. I love my mother. Reporting to APS would be reporting myself because I am there also. Even if I am not allowed legally to intervene in her care.

I came home this morning and I dont know if she locked all doors downstairs or my sister. But livingroom door and kitchen which is access to water and bathroom and backyard was locked. Her door was open and she was sleeping like a baby. I left sandwich breakfast by her side. Dog was in his "bed".

When I got up I heard nephew come in. I guess they replaced her bad microwave with this cruddy old one. But no mop of pee. Or the gook in sink after the water finally went down. I am stepping away from these things until I can work this out in my head and get further advice. Maybe I will call APS.
I am considering waiting for my sister and try and have a sit down talk about my mothers care and how we both are responsible for her and should try and work at getting her a home attendant. I mean its so simple. But on the other case you cant reason with a fool. I will try again. I just can't walk away from it. Thanks all.

A neighbor told me to check out the Archdiose so I looked them up and will call there tomarrow. Again my hands are tied. My sister does not know I am aware I have no sayso in my mothers care. Maybe I can initiate something and she can discard or dowhat ever if the neglect to do something continues I will call aps just need to explore my options if there are any.

Rays of light peace and love to all.

Best of luck to you DDDuck. I hope the Area Agency on Aging can help such a shame your sister can’t be held responsible since she has medical authority.

Duck, my situation is very, was very similar. I did everything for mom, I lived with her. Sibs thought it was a walk in the park and that I should even pay rent. HA! Court saw it another way. When I had enough of twisteds and decided I was done, the tables turned. Twisteds found out the hard way they now had to do everything. And I also felt out of the loop, and did not receive an update on mom for two years, three weeks before she passed. That is other than a short update in the first week that mom was in a facility.

TS2 took mom to the hospital to have her tested for a UTI. At least she listened and learned a bit during my four years of care. Mom did not have a UTI, just very aggressive and a danger to herself and others. TS2's finding was that mom would adjust in a few weeks. A year and a half later, mom was kicked out of the facility because of her behaviors. She never adjusted.

Sibs with only minimal contact have no idea. They only see the best behaviors because of such limited interaction with them. I wished so often it could have been different, always knew in my heart it would not change. There was nothing I could do to change their understanding, thoughts or willingness to help. You cannot change others either. I could only change my perceptions and hopes. It is hard work and an ongoing process. Still is, always will be. But, I am in a much better place than I was.

My new deli manager called late this afternoon. There were a couple things on the online ppwk that I missed answering on Saturday. I went on line from home but because I use google, I had to put it in a pdf file. Well I need a plug in because of google. My computer says my plug in is not working. So dd came over, she tried all kinds of stuff to fix it, to copy into another file.....we got it work but the last portion I could not submit without a managers signature. I am going down to the store in the morning to finish it on their computer. Then they can put me on the schedule for next week. Then I need to go buy a couple black polo shirts to war until I get my uniform shirt which is ordered at the store. The manager said it can take 2 months to get it. I guess I will order 2 shirts.

Sharyn, GREAT! Congrats.

Thanks Glad! Somewhat different than my former employer as they gave us the uniform, 2 shirts, an apron and cap or visor. I will have to keep records so I can deduct the cost on our taxes.

DDDuck, Good luck and take care. Hope things work out for you in this very difficult situation.

Sharyn, So happy for you that it is all working out for you with the your new job.

Ali, Is your life settling down? Any new news from the trust.

I'm off to work - four groups today.

Thanks Upset and Golden. I start this Friday. The shoes I ordered should be here by Thursday so I’ll be set to work.

Golden, Glad you got your mother moved and you are done primarily with that part. I’m sure you are tired as moving and downsizing takes a lot out of our bodies. I hope you are resting up now.

Sharyn, congrats! and hoping that getting a formal diagnosis gets access for therapies, etc. that E might need. Speaking from experience, you and daughter will still need to manage the process.
Golden, take care of yourself in the process! Another move accomplished with success. A breath of fresh air.
Upset, you are a light in the dark tunnel of Maine caregivers. I think the fuss about using your facilities came from the other folks because you accomplished so much so quickly. Often the need someone feels is so overwhelming that seeing services available nearby is so tempting to co-opt for oneself. The folks in that disability community don't have an Upset, so they try to piggyback on your work. Not bad, self-involved and needy. But you have your own work to pursue and you can't fix them all....
Duck, ask if you qualify for Section 8 housing. You are desperate and walking in circles. I understand. We all do. But you are trying to change other people and it just ain't gonna happen. Hugs.
Glad, a cat is perfect at this point in your life. We now have 2 cats and I miss the dog but not arranging to board/have checked on when we travel now.
I'm sorry about folks I miss, but trying hard to maintain.

Stacey, thinking of you and your test results are negative and you just need to rest, release all the stress. You have had a large amount of stress to contend with so I hope you are relaxing now.

Thank you guest! Yes, dd will get a diagnosis tomorrow afternoon. E is already in preschool continuing speech therapy and with a diagnosis, we can find out how to proceed from here. It may be a good idea if she and her hubs can go to a support group especially for her hubs to see that his son is perfectly abled just differently and he can and will learn. E is so tender hearted and just a sweetheart. His brother L is so curious about everything, wants to help with everything by being a typical smart 3 year old. Yesterday both boys were so cute, crawling on all 4’s pretending they were dogs. The 2 puppies were in the backyard playing so they were playing too.

Thanks Guest! Doing groups and seeing caregivers in trenches of taking care of loved ones makes me realize every day how much I have to be thankful for. I don't know how many caregivers accomplish what they do. But, their hard work, love and understanding of the care needed is an inspiration to me. They are a great group of people. In just 3 weeks we are fully enrolled with participants.

duck - it might be an idea to document what is happening -i.e. your efforts to find your mum when she wandered along with your efforts to contact your sis and nephew about it., cleanliness issues and who does anything about them, food issues, the door locks - (your sis's answer to mum's wandering), and anything that agencies/APS/mum's doctor might be interested in. Because the doc cannot give you any information does not mean that you cannot give him/her any information like about your mum wandering. Her doctor needs to know about that. (((((((hugs)))))

glad - your situation certainly was similar and very hurtful too, and not in your mum's best interests. How is the kitty doing?

sharyn -yay - starting work soon! I an still tired, especially my legs which have been aching. The drive then starting into the move right way was a bit much for me. You have mentioned previously feeling a bit depressed since the move. I know I will -seems to come with the territory. It takes a while to adjust. Dd's hub going to a support group would be great. Nothing like little kids and puppies!

guest - this should be the last move and I think there is an emotional toll from that too. I an looking forward to getting home today and back into my regular routine.

upset - I am so thankful that I don't do hands on caregiving too. Those that do are heroines and heros. You are giving them a real break. I am feeling a sadness about this last move and my mum's helplessness. I think the fatigue is affected by my emotions as well as the physical efforts. I find I am a bit weepy.

ali - having your emotions all over the place is to be expected with a move and all you have been through. Just look after you the best you can! Eventually things should level out.

Now, if R gets this job from the interview (and it sounded pretty positive like them asking for stuff they would not normally do on a first interview ], as well his background which particularly suits this position) plans will change again and we will stay for a few more years in the frozen north. Oh well. You can't have it all! One step at a time!

Good suggestions to DDDuck about hud housing and documenting.

Duck: Good suggestion from Guest on looking into Section 8. Your city may also have low income housing.

I know sometimes we talk about supplements/vitamins on here, and I've gotten some good info over the years. Was wondering if I can bug you all, again, to say what supplements/vitamins you take that you find helpful. It's hard to explain why I'm polling you guys, but... just if you don't mind... Tell me what you take and why you take it. lol ;-)

I'll start and say that I take vit D, magnesium, zinc, gingko, B-complex, sometimes a bit of B-12 liquid if I'm tired, and just recently started with turmeric curcumin a couple of months ago. There's one that Golden takes that I can't remember name of... carnitine? And I took that one for about the last 6 months but can't remember if that's it, so that's a lot to do with why I'm doing this poll lol. But figured you guys have some similar issues to what I have and if you've found supplements that you feel are helpful, I'd like a refresher course on what those are, please.

I don't take vitamins every day but do try to get a couple of doses in me per week and I have my reasons for taking each of those, and generally just seek to have better energy and focus because there are times when I feel drained and worn out, mentally and physically.

Thanks in advance.