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My mother wanted a guy in town to examine two Win95-based computers so she could take them to the computer reclamation center. When I asked her why she wanted him to do it. She basically called me an idiot when it comes to computers.

I have training in PC, Network, and Server Repair. Both PCs have Win95 as an OS. She has made no upgrades to these computers in twenty years.

But I am still an idiot in her eyes.

The guy never showed up. Because he forgot. My mother realizes. That she should have asked me in the first place.
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A reflective day. Mom's 91st, one year since L passed, and would have been mom's and L's 11th anniversary. :( Three years since J passed in two more days. I am ok and tending to a sick kitty that is on the mend. She finally ate for the first time since last Saturday when I adopted her.:)
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Lots of painful anniversarys all at once Glad but it sounds as though you are coping well,
hope the kitty continues to recover as i am sure she will with all the loving care you are lavishing on her.
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Chris one wonders why your mother continues to verbally abuse you. Do you think she has developed some dementia. Her behavior does not seem rational most of the time.
Is there any way you can consider moving into a group home where you will recieve the respect you deserve and be well cared for
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Glad, Sorry for all of the sad anniversaries. Hope poor kitty gets well soon.
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Sorry Glad, lots to deal with all at once. Happy your kitty is recovering. Having a pet helps to process everything.
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Anniversaries are rough and then a sick kitty too. ((((((((hugs))))))
Be sure to take care of yourself. Keep us updated about kitty.
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It's been a sad evening. Two of the women from caregivers group lost their mothers today. Expected, but still a loss. One was a lady I had known from church. One of the caregivers died of a heart attack at age 57. I didn't know her well. But, well enough to know that she had a number of stressors in her life. I knew going into this that there would be deaths, but three in four hours was not expected. I visited the home of the caregiver who died to make sure they had arrangements for her mother. They had gotten her in a nursing home at least for the immediate time. Her daughter had applied for Medicaid earlier in the month for nursing home placement. She is already on Maine Health, so that should help the nursing placement go more quickly. I'm headed out with PJ to take a walk and clear my head. Hope everyone has a restful night.
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Upset, plenty of losses in a day. Clear you head hope you enjoyed that walk.

Thank you all for your thoughts today.

And dysfunction continues. I had an Email from ts2 this morning. An update on estate distribution. Nothing about birthday, anniversary or mom or L's death a year ago today. I replied to all, including ts1 and AD simply saying I was sure we would all be thinking of them today. No responses. Nor surprised but I do wonder how we all got through mom's service in a civil manner. I will never understand and I know it.
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Don't like hearing about 57 year olds having heart attacks

I'm feeling beaten down at work - putting in long hours at night and weekends and being barked at by management - I'm too old for it especially when the 30 somethings are skipping out the door after 8 hours - I'm grateful for employment but am weary and see nothing changing til I can afford to quit in another few years
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Ms. Madge, It was sad. Your work situation is much like many pre-retirees and younger workers. Hang in there! You know you're doing a good job and so do the people who care for you.
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Glad, Dysfunctional people can't be cured, but you know that. They're the gift that keeps on giving and giving.....
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Upset, how sad. 3 people in one day. It’s hard to not feel sad and be affected by these losses.

MsMadge, I always make myself too available on my jobs and end up feeling like what you posted. I’ve noticed management seems to hand hold many of the younger people. It’s hard for me because when I started in the work force, if you couldn’t do the job, be there as they wanted, you were fired. I do see some pluses as they do work more with young mothers which I again did not get that treatment as a young mother. I have just a couple years and I plan to retire so here’s hoping we can hang in there until then!

Dysfunction can be change but only if people recognize their own dysfunction and get counseling, support groups to make changes (providing mental disorders are not involved), it is hard work and is life time work. When you think you are right and everyone else is wrong, change will never come.
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Hilarity for Charity is teaming with Home Instead to provide grants for caregivers providing home care to a love one with dementia accross America and Canada.
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Sharyn, I just happened to see this post and wanted to thank you for sharing what could be very important for families with dementia patients. If you don't mind, I'd like to share this on some of the other posts, or perhaps, would you consider creating a post on it in the Alz and Dementia forum?

I think this is an issue that bears forum wide attention and I don't want to "steal your thunder".
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Sharyn, Dysfunction can be changed if everyone involved has to wants to makes the changes. I would have met my family more than half way but they saw absolutely nothing wrong with their behaviors. 

Good info on the grants. Will definitely pass that one along.
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I just got a "flashback" post on FB,, it has been 4 years since Mom and Dad's house sold, and they were living here awhile before that. Where does time go?
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Yes, dysfunction continues. For mom's birthday AD emailed pictures of Mom and L. I responded, knowing everyone is thinking of them today. Response from AD is how off color L could be at times. His politics did not agree with ts1. SO WHAT! And then about snow in northern MN and getting through it in a bug. I had a bug, responded to her how wonderful it was in the snow. Then added asking if she remembered how mom always, many times, asked me what happened to grandma's house. AD was in charge of grandma's health and finances. AD was quite hurt and insulted by mom's questioning, forgetting that mom had Alz. So, I took this opportunity to tell her that I had hoped that the dysfunction would stop with Mom's death. Also reminded her that in spite of all of the accusations, ts1 had access to mom's accounts and still does not believe that I did not exploit in any way, shape or form. No response..... What a surprise.

And ts1 sending estate update on the eve of mom's 91st? That in itself is quite odd. No mention of the birthday, anniversary or L's death on the same day, a year ago.
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upset - I am so sorry about the deaths. They must hit you hard, especially the 57 yr old. which is a tragedy. Hope the walk helped.

glad - it still is shocking to hear the degree of dysfunction in your family, They have no heart. It is good you all got through the service decently.  AD is as bad as the twisteds in her own way.

madge (((((hugs)))). I know what you mean about the young ones skipping out. When I worked what I saw was that the more you gave, they more they demanded. Those who gave little had little asked of them. You have to look after you - no one else will. Can you take a break sometime?

sharyn - great news about the grants. Recently I received a report from the CMA (Canadian Medical Association) as I had participated in a questionnaire.
"Advancing Quality of Life and Quality of Care for Seniors, outlines 15 recommendations for how seniors can remain active and engaged citizens of our communities". It addresses the needs of seniors. and also brings in some considerations for caregivers. There probably could be more for caregivers.

re dysfunctionals changing, I have to say I am very impressed with the work my dd is doing on herself. She definitely has some of what mother has, but the past few years she has gone on meds, taken up exercise, and I am not sure what else, but there is a significant change in her. It was entirely her decision and I am proud of her. If I had any small role it was to not accept her "bad" behaviours and set limits to protect myself. Dysfunctional people can change if they want to. I have no idea of all the factors that went into her decision, but I am sure they were complex. She did mention her kids and hub deserving better.

Pam Z - 4 years is a long time. Time flies when you are having fun???

ali - hope you are relaxing some

stacey - how are you?

duck - thinking of you and hoping you find some peace in the midst of the struggle.

So sleepy these days, but it beats aching as a form of recovery. I suppose once bedtime comes around I will wake up. I was thinking I may have to go to the doc about my knee and get some PT prescribed, but then thought that at my age if I say I want PT for my knee as I can't do my squats, they might look askance at me and tell me to act my age. So I looked up some exercises, and did them and some stretching. This morning I was halfway through my coffee before I realised I hadn't felt my knees coming down stairs. Yay!!! Must keep up with the exercises and stretching. I tend to hyperextend my knee a little when I put my foot on the ottoman and put the other leg on top. I need to make sure my whole leg is supported by the ottoman, and keep the other leg off it. Small changes can make a difference.

Everyone - be good to you. You deserve it.
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Golden, Fantastic the work dd is doing and glad for the improvement in your knee. PJ has had both knees replaced. I tend to walk when I'm upset or need to clear my head. It really helps. Today was rainy so I walked indoors at the field house and listened to music - blocks out the noise level.
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Thx Upset. It is so good to see. No doubt she had some depression in the mix too and now has accepted that she needs meds for it. For years she never had any friends - got fed up with them. Now she has a bunch. That is so much healthier.

I love to walk too and walk in the house regularly when weather, bugs, bears etc make walking outside unpleasant. I don't want any surgery if I can avoid it. My right shoulder (good arm) used to bother me quite a bit, but hardly does now. I have no idea what happened to improve it, but I am very grateful.
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Veronica91-It isn't rational.

As for a group home. That would be, as bad as(if not worse), as my (ex)wife. People with seizures' are constantly discriminated against by law enforcement. I keep seeing stories of law enforcement using a taser gun on someone having a seizure. After the business owner has called the police. Back in 2006, ABC News did a story about how, people having seizures, are predominantly arrested. Granted that story was done ten years ago. Last year in Gadsden, Alabama. I female teen w/ seizures. Was attending a Hip-Hop concert w/ her mother. When the Hip-Hop artist came into the audience. It caused the teen to have a seizure. The security firm hired by the venue, had no idea how to react to the girl having the seizure. The mother told them that her daughter was having a seizure. They didn't listen, and called the local police. When the police arrived. Not only did they not listen to the mother telling them about her daughter having a seizure. The police TASERED BOTH, the daughter, and the mother.

Not just that. I have seen people w/ hydrocephalus, being tasered who were in the midst of a shunt malfunction.

All because law enforcement, went for the 'quick fix'. Instead of understanding the situation.

That is the added fear I live with every day.

I am not trying to make this sound like 'woe is me'. Just that, seemingly simple answers could have severe consequences.
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chris - considering what you have written, what are your plans for when your mother can no longer live at home with you?
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Golden, I love the idea of bears making walks outside "unpleasant"!

B stands for bear. When bears are seen
Approaching in the distance
Make up your mind at once between
Retreat and armed resistance.

from Hilaire Belloc's 'The Bad Child's Book of Beasts'

Well done for getting your knee to behave itself!
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CM, I always appreciate that you post where borrowed writings come from. Numerous times I have checked out the book or article when I find it of interest. Thank you.
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CM, Thanks for book reference. We have bears in the vicinity and small children who would like the book. Again, thank you.
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cm - lol - bears are considered dangerous and, indeed, one did eat a woman out at site a few years ago, but such encounters are very rare. However, the spectre arises when I see the yellow tape and signs warning of bear presence on the trail.

Love Hilaire Belloc. Every well brought up English school girl of a certain age could quote Belloc.
From Cautionary Tales for Children:
The Chief Defect of Henry King
Was chewing little bits of String.
At last he swallowed some which tied
Itself in ugly Knots inside...
Breakfast, Dinner, Lunch, and Tea
Are all the Human Frame requires...
With that, the Wretched Child expires.

and then there was Jim who was eaten by a lion "And always keep a-hold of Nurse
For fear of finding something worse."

I also love the inexorable logic of Samuel Johnson - tongue in cheek, I am sure.
“If a man who turnips cries,
Cry not when his father dies,
'Tis a proof that he had rather
Have a turnip than a father.”

I have decided that the knee is more a matter of tight ligaments and tendons, due to FM, than it is due to osteoarthritis. I can have days when they don't bother me at all, which flies in the face of joint deterioration. Stretching helps, which supports my theory. Back to doing squats again - gently.

I too appreciate that you cite authors. Plagiarism is all too common. People copy chunks of writings from the internet and present it as their own. Even the authors of recipes should be given due credit, otherwise, essentially, it is theft.

glad - hope kitty is better

upset- Belloc is awesome for children and adults. I suppose the funerals for the ones who died will be taking place soon. Be sure to give yourself some space. You will be exposed to a lot of grieving as well as your own.
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Ming, is finally getting there. She did not eat for five days, barely drank, got even more congested. Finally, Wednesday night she ate some gerber chicken baby food. That started it, she is drinking, and grooming a bit. She really looked rough when I got her. The shelter had released her for adoption by mistake. Sent me home with an antibiotic for her, that did not work. Vet gave me a different one. She is getting better. Even playing a bit. Ming was one sick little kitty, but she is on the mend. A bit better every day.

I really enjoy the reference to where borrow text comes from. Some I have heard and forgotten. Sometimes even bring back pleasant memories.
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I went to the caregiver's funeral this morning. Very brief and only a few people in attendance - her young 30ish daughter and a handful of neighbors.
I think from the little I knew she had been isolated from family and friends caring for her mother. Plus extreme poverty tends to isolate women as well. The new priest at her church had never met her. I helped her daughter with getting a cemetery plot and funeral. Very sad. I haven't heard of a funeral for the two elderly ladies. I suspect the families because of finances will let the county do the burials. One of them used to go to church, but none of the family had a church affiliation. I read an article in the local paper that it is becoming extremely common for families to do nothing and leave it to the county. It's straining county budgets too.
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I'm not the caregiver of my NMom. Couldn't ever be. I commend anyone who can. I am not really mad at my mother for her abuse/neglect of me as a child and still as a grown 55 year old, I resent that she denies it happened ever. She has never loved me or put her own needs behind mine. Again, I find it revealing that people who had mothers, even if not perfect, but are NOT NMoms, know what it is like to have a mother that doesn't love you and you in turn, don't love them. They say "but it is your mother". You try to tell them, but don't you see "she didn't mother me", so no, she is not my mother. My other big resentment is that without a rollmodel as a Mother, it is much more difficult, even when you are not narcissistic, to know how to be a good mother. I over compensated with my daughter and tell her too much that I love her and perhaps I let her walk over me, but, she knows I love her. Its all hard.
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