The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Allyson62, Welcome to the this thread. Many of us have or had narcissistic mothers or other dysfunctional family members. You made many very accurate statements. I too, resent the fact that mother placed her own needs and those of my brother ahead of me and my youngest brother. I'm 67 and I still feel resentment and anger over many of her actions. I lived with her for 6-1/2 of the last 7 years of her life. I reached a pace where I could not be around her and other family members. It didn't have to do the heavy caregiving that many do. She had mobility, vision and hearing problems. She had mini strokes at the end and finally finally a fatal stroke. She passed very quickly.

The people on this thread are very supportive and helpful. Feel free to vent, ask questions, etc. No one is judgmental. It's a safe place to express or discuss your feelings. Welcome.

Glad Ming is feeling better, and you are a good kitty mom!

Glad, Ming is a cute name for a Siamese. Happy that she is better.

Golden-My father told me to tell him, if(and when) things get progressively worse.

Today, My mother n' I got into it again. She is again on, what I call one of her 'technology consolidation' kicks. Where, Again, She is trying to simplify her life. She has no idea what cord goes with what device. I had explain a bunch of stuff to her.

To add to that stress. I may have sprained or broken my pinky toe. It was my fault for walking barefoot through the house. After I got back from my bike ride today.

Kind of a strange bond developing between mom and her new roommate who's 22 years younger
Seems roomie thinks she's responsible for the Viking - she checks on her when she's down for her afternoon nap and apparently tries to help the private caregivers

I've been working so late that I haven't been to hoca all week, but last weekend I sensed roomie was stressed about having to take care of mom and get her up in the morning - I tried to assure her she didn't need to worry that the nurse would get her up - the poor dear, I guess she's trying to make sense of why she's there and looks at the situation as her new job

Thank you to Golden, Sharynmarie & Upset for asking commenting about my last post which was I believe over 20 days ago now, also any others I may have missed. I made it a point to try and look that far back on the posts to try to know what has been going on with each and everyone of you.

Since I last posted......finally I think I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel w/hubby's situation, WHEW!!!
As I'd posted before he was having some back and neck issues. He's still on the mend. Interesting because for his lower back issue his doctor who does some manipulations of the area had also recommended Prolotherapy.
This is a treatment where the doctor will inject I believe its dextrose into the injured area, and this brings circulation to it, hence speeding up the healing process. Of course my husband was rather reluctant to do this, but finally did. As of now it seems to have had some beneficial effects.

I continue to encourage him to do some kind of exercise, although not to exert himself either. Walking, which he is not motivated to do whatsoever! He'd rather ride his 10 speed, which I wish he'd bother to wear a helmet when he does this in our city, it's crazy out there. Once you hit the beach, nearby then it's a different story.

Part of all of this stress I know I had been experiencing is the fact that my husband recently became an official senior citizen. He got his Medicare & all of that. Oh boy, it was like endless calling, and talking to different reps for supplemental info., & all that jazz. O.K., I get it that this transition is quite confusing etc., but my husband just goes into over drive checking, re-checking. He's got this inherent trust issue. This is of the he can't just have a bit of faith, and allow some gel time to review things on his own and let the info. to sink in. Then, just as he transitioned into Medicare he started to have the neck problem, then the back.

Well, at least the mood has mellowed out somewhat around here, thank the cosmos!!!!
I believe one of the last times we had a super blow out, and the fact that I stated some truths
and unfairness thwarted in my direction, he finally got it I hope!

My work in terms of my Acupuncture inspections somewhat picked up the last few weeks.
This was such a welcome surprise for me both financially and a way to get me out of the house & away from hubby. I so understand you Sharynmarie, when you posted that you wish your husband would get out of the house a few hours, so that you can have some alone time! Also on the work front......a neighbor of mine who has a grown son (22 yrs. old) and autistic needs an In Home Service Support person. She's a very nice person who I know now for several years. She asked me out of the blue at the peak of my tension with my husband.
So I sent in some paper work, and I have an orientation Nov. 1'st, so hopefully will start to work some hours for her. Basically, it will be to take her on some errands, since she has no car, and grocery runs have been stressful for her w/o a car. She'll have some other things for me to do helping her around her house. She said, she'd do the personal stuff she needs to do for the son, since he is autistic and a grown person.

At first I was a bit reluctant to take this kind of job on, but hey......it's work, and I'm going to make some much needed money, and I'll be out of the house. I think this w/be good for the marriage. I'm also working on becoming more independent of the hubs, which I know has been an issue w/us. Working on it!!

O.K., just wanted to dock in and let you all know what's been up with me.
Be posting later, since I've been reading, looks as if I've missed an interesting time here.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Golden,

First and foremost....it is hard when we remember a loved one's birthday as you mentioned remembering your son's birthday. We wonder what would have been of them at that age. I was thinking about my dad just last week, what he would have been like had he lived a longer life. Anyway, I just want you to know that I am thinking about you and Gordie and offering up some meditations for you.

Also, I notice that your mom was moved? Well I hope this will be a smooth transition not only for her but especially for you. Shame on you sister too......I read that she was sneaky in regards to getting her name as POA on a document? WOW!!

Great big hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

I would imagine that moving to a new place, trying to get acquainted and adjusting to everything new does take some time. Congratulations about this new job. I wish you the best, and hope you can get some insurance if you can. I did read about your tooth the last time, am glad that you got that resolved, and hope you are out of the pain it was causing.

Nice to hear about your grandsons. That was interesting what you posted was it Ethan, and how he responded to the ball. This goes to show us, that there are basically different ways to arrive at getting things done, or having a different approach. He's going to learn a lot, given that he also has his brother, who seems to be very helpful. That's such a tender and heartwarming thing to hear between brothers!! Sweet!

O.K., I wish you the best in this new position, and know I'm thinking about you and yours also with
all the new adjustments in Idaho.

Big Hugs to you too,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hi Margeaux, Nice to hear from you. Glad to hear your husband is making some progress with back and neck issues. Keep in touch.

glad - happy Ming is on the mend. Soon she will be ripping around and wearing you out. :)

upset - sad that there are there is such poverty. The spin-offs are huge. Your mum did pass quickly and that was a blessing,

Allyson62 - totally understand . I could not do hands on caregiving for my mother either. I always looked at others for role models - mainly the mothers' of my friends. I agree -it is hard.

chris - I am glad your dad will look after your situation

madge - hope the new roomie works out. Be sure to get enough rest!!! The Viking will survive

margeaux - so good to hear from you, that hub is getting better and getting the message and that things are picking up. The extra job sounds like a good thing. Looks like things are going OK for mother. The only recent thing has been about her hearing aids and batteries. Yes, sis is sneaky, but she s not POA on the legal documents - just told some people she was. The new place knows she is not.

Fighting a bit of a sore throat which I know is going around, Zinc lozenges really help me and cold FX. Hot lemon tea is soothing The snow has pretty well melted, but we will probably have more in a few days and colder weather. Got a new pair of light weight winter boots that are so comfortable I could wear them for slippers. What a rare find!!! So thankful!!!

Margeaux, good to hear from you. Great news your hubs is getting better and hopefully getting “it”! Does this mean your hubs is going to retire soon? Good luck on your new job, it will help getting out of the house. Hoping all is well with you too.

I have been off line for a while. I am still digesting my situation as it unfolds and I have been forcing myself to leave it all alone. focus on myself. My mother is okay and safe. Tomarrow will be my father's aniversary 37 years ago he passed on. I still miss him everyday. My first cousin had a baby boy! I am so happy for her and her fiance.

Thanks to all for the advice. I have to catch up. Glad I am so happy about your cat Ming is a pretty name.
Golden I agree with the zinc. It gives me a tad diarrhea at times. I take Nac almost daily. Especially now since the weather here is in flux toward winter. Its hard to dress properly as one day its freezing thne the next day its cool.

I am still feeling a little overwhelmed. I havent cook'd except for bacon in the oven in about two weeks and I love to cook. I think its not so much depression as trying to be still for a while.

I did try and speak to my sister again. It ended in the usual tirade of lies. I believe its a psychological protective mechanism called transference. Its amazing. I was surprised when she claimed I try to intimidate my mother. Then two days later about 2am my mother knocks on my door. thne go upstairs to my sister. I heard her come down. I went down later and my mother was in hallway on second floor. I was about to try to get her in bed and noticed her room was cold. So I told her lets go down to living room. As I walked into the door My sister says "Get In Here" real tuff like. I thought she was talking to the dog but later realized she thought I was my mother.

Anyways, she says I dont do anything. Along with these crazy notions and attacks on my profession. crazy stuff totally delusional. Even that I dont buy garbage bags. I bring them down regularly andhad to make myself stop stressing that the cans are dirty and I constantly see garbage without a bag.
So I am just stepping back.

I am also realizing that even in her sick mind she is feeling the frustration that I almost killed myself with, and that is feeling like no one was helping or contributing. My mother gets the meals on wheels and I bring her the sandwich or whatever I buy to eat for now. I am not cleaning, mopping, sweeping , I have to step away for a while. Let her wake up my sister all day and nite. Let her deal with it. I realize I was in the way and now she knows to go to my sister so its a little easier on me although I feel a little guilty for not jumping at her every call.
I am also investigating meditaion techniques as was sugested by one of the posters I follow.
I didnt think I would be writing much but I guess when I get started it just pours out. Thanks to all, I am happy for all the good things for everyone. I have to take time and catch up.I have also been busy with other things on my agenda. I had good laughs over the weekend things I wanted to share and will at some point or another.

Much love to all. Rays of light, love and peace to all.

Good to hear from you Duck and Margeaux!

Duck, to come to grips we all need to step back and wait and watch what will happen. There is nothing wrong with that. Nothing like a healthy dose of reality to wake others. Sometimes we just have to let it happen and eventually others may learn the hard way. And that is nothing to feel guilty about.

How you and your twisted sis and mom all live in the same house is beyond me! I never could have done that.

I bet!! I prayed to God please please plesase dont let me have to go there.! My landlord sold her house and she was taking me to look at places. There was a delay because of a problem with her sister name on title. Once that was straight, the buyer was commanded the house be empty in one week or the deal was closed. My landlord would have lost the house due to tax debt and she had been going back and forth to court for about 4years trying to keep it. So when that one week came up there I went and here I am. Whew!!!
I guess because I am used to it that I went that way. I dont like to ask anybody for anything. And I was not working at the time. My unemployment had run out and I had little saved but couldnt find anything affordable and who is going to rent to someone not working. I still cant afford rent here. Plus I am paying off a large fed/ state tax debt from fines and interest from years back normally confiscating the refund would help but I had not worked for 3 years after I got out of hospital in 2011. I almost died. Took me months to be able to walk and talk. And it was hard to find a job as everything wanted 1yr past experiecne. I was riddled with esperience by had not worked in the last year. I am begining to babble, this job was a Godsend and thats not to say it was mooth ride. I could be making a lot more with benefits, pension. But I am grateful and just like at home move on when the opportunity arises.

I

Also as I have said my mother has always had mental issues. Besides pitting me and my sister against each other she discombobulated that house. she took good clean working stove from top floor threw it out. She systematically put junk in rooms took tub out of bathroom on floor I am on. When I was there before I was on top floor. My twister has the entire top floor. the unused kitchen, a large room, and a small hall room are all filled with junk. There are at least two rooms that could be rented out and the house could be fixed up. If my sister would come down and take one of the rooms downstirs we could rent out that top floor and use the rent and add to it to care for my mother's need. Only she has poisoned us so bad we cannot get together. My sister thinks I want to take house and hurt my mother. Many attempts on my part and my son's to have a faily meeting over the past few years.

Thanks, I needed to hear what I was doing made sense. I am backed in a corner. I see the sickness nothing I can do and I am not going to spending any more of my life trying to prove my love or my good intentions. Deep down inside they both know I just dont understand why its so hard to admitt I am a good person, or that I do good or how I look out. I am by far not an angel but condemnation, spite, spite and planning to hurt is out of my league. Its out of my hands to make this right. We need to keep that house in the family. Its a leagacy. Our community is falling apart becuase this samype situation.. The face is changing. People lare now buying these houses for 1mill fixing them up and getting 3 or more for them. Its crazy; because rent here is about almost 2 -3 thousand a month and going up. So it would be crazy to sell. But greed and selfrighteous wrong could lead us down a bad path as a family. I have no idea what else is in my sister's sick mind or what else she has done to keep me out of the loop. I just know that meand my mother raised her sons and then the street got the one that clung to her. They had black teeth when they were children. She didnt have the patience then or the mind to care for her own children. She let a man ban her children from coming to even visit. So now she has this need for me to be excluded from care, information or decisions. I just have to roll with the punches as usuall. I kind of like it on the sidelines.

I dont mean to be vicious in what I said. Its just the truth. I can babble on and on.

One of my escapes is watching tv series. I am loving the Deuce, The tin star, and Star Trek is awesome! Didnt start empire yet. The walking dead is on the top also.

Glad thanks that was real talk. You put it in a nut shell.

Golden-For now. There have been many times in the past. Where his actions don't match his words.

sh%wb$x is gives you all.

Good nite don let the bed bugs bite, back to work.

Good Morning all,

I started work on Friday. Well, it's deli work, Lol! What I mean is it's very much the same just a different routine and location. Differences are that in California we had to wear hair nets and a hat/visor. Hot food food that has been out under lights has to be pulled after 4 hours and here it is 6 hours. In California employees get a break when scheduled 4 hours, here an employee must be scheduled 6 hours. Otherwise the same

Thursday I'll be helping my dad with taking the boys to a new pediatrician since she is firing old one because she gave too much resistance in referring E for evaluation. Now to get referral for pediatric occupational therapy evaluation and to see an ENT.

Happy Halloween/All Hallows Eve

Sharyn, State to state rule changes - they were that way in healthcare too.

I did a new group this am. Nice women - younger than the other caregivers I've worked with in the past.

Have another group this afternoon. We have a nurse from Hospice coming to speak. Several of the people in this group have loved ones who may need Hospice services in the near future.

Upset, I am so happy your groups are working out so well! Such a blessing for caregivers. Stay safe, I hear the eastern seaboard will have 70-80 mph wind gusts.

Idaho does not have any state labor laws, these are federal laws. I most often did not take breaks anyway, just lunch.

Stacey, I hope you are well and tests result were negative!

Thank you SharynM, and to all who have given me such nice get well/be well wishes!

I did wear a 48 hour Holter Monitor, and have a stress echocardiogram scheduled for this coming Thursday, but I honestly think it is my diaphram that gets inflamed due to stress, which for some reason is on overload for no reason, and I cannot seem too control my bodies reaction to it, it's so frustrating, as the stress is gone, except for the aftermath, and my body shouldn't be acting up like this, as I've certainly been through worse stress in my life, it just Sucks getting older!

On a happier note, I've just ordered new carpet for the entire house, a sort of 3 tone speckled silver gray, and once it is arrives and instalation begins, hubby has given me the green light to order two sets of new furniture for both our livingroom and the family room, and boy do we need it! 

It's been 12 or so years since we have had new furniture, and ours is looking it's age, plus it's My choice this time around, and I'm going big or go home, and definitely buying the higher quality this time around, as with it being just hubby and I, we aren't very hard on things, and of course being on a pentioner's budget, it needs to last a long long time, so I want Super Nice, Super Plush and Cushy, as this is a comfortable home, and not fussy at all!

We are also having new linoleum put down in the kitchen at the same time, and I pray it can all be done by Christmas! Then bit by bit, I can change up, decorating with pops of color, I'm thinking turquoise and silver. It's going to be the year of Decorating, and I need a project that I can get my teeth into, and I can see it all coming together in my mind, what's left of it, Lol!

My hubby is going to fly down to Bullhead City in Nevada next week, to see his Brother before Bb's triple Aortic Aneurysm surgery. We're never sure if his brother is crying wolf or not, but him going there, circumvents his brother from coming here any time soon, as he has been threatening to do! We just don't want him around our kids or Grandies, as he is trying so hard to reintroduce himself into our lives.

Hubby keeps telling me not to be surprised if he decides to move back to Washington state, now that both of the parents are out of the picture, as for so long he was unable to keep all of his many lies and stories straight with them, and now that they have both passed, he can make up all of the lies he wants about his past, as they cannot be verified or denounced by his Mom and Dad. I don't care what he lies about, as long as they don't affect me in any way. I just can't have him infecting my family though! He screwed his own kids over, so there's now way I want him near Mine!

Hubby thinks that if we give him an inch, he'll take a mile sort of thing, and that we need to be prepared to hear a bunch of stories on how We need to help out him and his wife financially, and I'm like, "Oh Hell No!", we are only just getting our own life back on track, we can't be fueling his life, and we certainly can't afford to! He's a Grade A MOOCH and Con Artist, who would suck you dry, and kick you aside if you let him, and I definitely won't let him! Oh God, why can't life be Easy! At any rate, hubby will be out of my hair for 4 days!

I can just see it, we get our house All fixed up, and Bb and his wife stop in for a quick visit, and he attempt a to turn it into an Extended Stay! Ain't gonna happen!

Still, as much as my husband know what a POS his brother is, there is still a level of compassion or something in that he has always held out hope that his brother will turn his life around, and not be such a drain on our good senses, but I don't think a leopard can change his spots. He will Always go for the free money and easy way out, be it women, or other people's money. He's screwed over Everyone he's ever met! Well I refuse to be one of his victims, and won't allow his influence around my family! Any future with him in it just terrifies me, and it's sad to see my husband hold out any hope with his brother, even though he knows better! Uggg!

It's a beautiful but chilly day here in the PNW, at least the Trick or Treaters won't be getting wet tonight, but also means that we'd better stock up on more Candy, as I've about demolished a whole bag of Kit Kats single handedly, and we normally get a lot of kids, near the 100 mark, and in some years, even More than that! I Love Halloween!

I hope you all are enjoying this Gorgeous Fall Day, and, Happy Halloween Everyone!

Stacey, enjoy decorating! We just had the latest in the year of disasters, and replaced our furnace last Saturday. oh, well, it was the original 20 year old one. But on top of A/C in August, etc. But husband and I are above ground! so it's all good. Note, my answer to the extended visitors is that I don't extend offers to stay with me to anyone other than son and my sister. My brother and his wife stay at hotel (they can afford). My in-laws stayed at hotel, because I didn't want to indicate that we had any room available for staying in for any period of time. Because your brother in law and sister in law received so little from FIL, they are sure to think you and hubs are rolling in all the money (HAHAHAHAHA) left in the estate. Others always think there is more than there is...take care and if BIL comes to WA, he can rent a hotel "even if it's just while he relocates". You and I both know that he never will leave given FIL's journey.

Family members who try to insert themselves into one's life are the worst. My mother's sister and her daughter and granddaughters call on a regular basis. Always wanting to come visit, want money, etc. I've changed my number twice and thru friends and other relatives they have gotten the new number. Since the last change I've given my number to no one. My aunt was found by the police wandering in her neighborhood lost two weeks ago.  She told them I was supposed to take care of her, but that I wouldn't let her live with me. They tracked me down. It took 30 minutes of explaining that I was not responsible and referred them to her two son's. I wouldn't let any of them visit. They might stay forever.

Stacey, enjoy the newness of your life with just you and hubby! Decorating is fun (if you like it) which I do. I still have a lot to do in that area of our home. I’m hoping by next summer, I will feel much more settled. Take care of yourself first sweet lady!

Thank you Guest, UpsetSister, SharynM, you guys All understand where I'm coming from regarding Bb!

For some reason, my husband still desires to salvage a "distant" relationship with his brother, and doesn't want to cut him out of his life completely, but is trying to figure out a way to do this, but on his own terms, which is difficult, but hopefully for hubby, not completely impossible. I do trust my husband not to allow him to him to take advantage in any way.

It's sad, it's his only living relative, and they have at times, enjoyed each others company, but his brother is such a leech, who has taken advantage of every person he has ever come into contact with, it just floors me how someone can do this to people they are supposed to love! His Parents, his 2 siblings (one a half sister, and she's wacko too Ugg, a whole other story and who my husband has completely wiped out of his life), his 3 children, and he's been married at least 9 time that I can recall, and so many countless others he has swindled throughout his entire life.

My husband has minimized the damage of him taking advantage of us in the 33 years we've been together, simply because we have never had any "spare" money to get! All of our money went to raising our 4 kids, and trying to stay afloat ourselves! But now that he knows that we are fairly well prepared financially and retired, and Yes, probably assumes that my FIL left my husband and chunk of money, I'm sure it's eating away at him to try to get something more out of my husband, and probably why all of these incessant phone calls about how he is "reformed", and No Longer takes advantage of others, and is in fact turned his life around and is involved in "giving back", versus being the crook that he was his whole life! He is just so desperate to have brotherly relationship with my husband, that it seems sinister and questionable to me, Big Time!

My husband is not being Sucked into that fairy tale,by no means, but still, deep in his heart does wish there is something salvageable of their relationship, but only on hubby's terms, and there lays the issue of boundries, and how to inforce them.

"Oh hey, you guys have two spare bedrooms, can we come to stay", is what worries me, but, if what he says about All of his different health malladies can get believed (and this is still questionable, as he can't get believed, Ever, and uses his health issues as leverage for sympathy and to his advantage), then I'm really not so concerned about him traveling up to see us that much, but if this new and latest surgery is successful, then he and his wife could likely end up on our front porch, and it will be interesting how my husband handles such an event! 
My Hubby has So Many expensive hobbies, cars, coins, collectibles, that I'm sure he'd be scared to death to let him over our doorstep, let alone allow them to stay with us, but it's So hard to say NO, when you do have the space, and are generally Nice People in the first place!

What to do, What to do? I know I'd be very uncomfortable having them stay in our home, and my husband would Always respect my wishes, no matter what. So then it gets put on me, and I guess I'm fine with that, looking like a turd who doesn't care! Well, I Don't Care! I'll take that role!

Stacey No is a complete sentence. There are some people that are never safe to have in your home. Remember Upset’s niece? Filling her bag at a funeral while others were helping her? I don’t host gatherings at my home anymore. I’ve told my husband that his parents can afford temp digs if needing overnight stay. Once in, it would be difficult to get out.