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There is no easy way for survivors of a death of a loved one. If the one you love dies suddenly and tragically as I experienced with my husband David, it is no less or more of a painfull experience than one whose life is extended and facing weakened conditions. Friends have told me the long, then prolonged and then dragging on of a death is the most painful way to say good bye.
Death can come suddenly or slowly, the sharp blast of a gun or the slow degrading of the body and mind But for those left behind, there is no easy way to say good bye.

And to my friends here...I was first notified of Missing In Action.

A time of hope and dread.
Fear and hope.
Panic and fear.
Prayer and grief
Prayer and hope
"tell me the Army is wrong"!
and finally,
I can't take the uncertainty,
I want to rush in and DO something
I just want some peace and a quiet mind.

I want what I used to have, hope and a letter a day.
Our own "knowing" between us regardless of miles.

Loving you, I never felt alone. I felt complete.
Now I am in a horrible place
It is as if my body were being torn apart
Life sucked out of me, part of me craving to be with you.
But, if you are alive! I must be here to be with you!

Oh Lord, if I can pray hard enough and long enough to save him!
Will you spare this son of thine, my beloved?
Is there a sacrifice I can offer?
What can I do to keep my love on this Earthly side?

If God is love, and He loves us
Why is this happening to the one I love?
Why is this loss happening to me?
What gain is there for this death?
Why the suffering? Lord?

__________________________________________________

Eventually I came to the place of praying
"Thy will be done"

I don't know why David was killed and not spared.
I don't know if prayer really matters one way or the other.
Maybe there is a greater plan
But I'm not so sure I like that larger plan if David isn't in it.

All I can say is finally I have come to accept the death.
But I'll never forget.












Those I've found on this site are the heroes of life. I've listened to the pain and trials of caregiving, the love and the exaspirations of siblings, nothing is really an "easy life" when you look at living a "long and fruitful life"/

The thing I would like to share is this...I was very lucky to have such a dear and heart warming letter from my love that has always been of comfort to me on sleepless nights etc.
You all deserve such a warm and loving letter from the loved ones you are caring for now in their weakened condition.
You deserve the acknowledgment of the love and appreciation for just being there for the person you are devoted to.

And even more blessings to those are are the caregivers for folks they don't really love or even like!
I have grown to have an especially deep appreciation for this group of folks on this forum that I feel safe in expressing my feelings.
Thank you , each and every one.
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Bonnie thank you for sharing your experience. The love between you and David is so obvious in his words and yours. I am so happy you feel comfortable and safe to express yourself here. Sending you much love and hugs!
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Bonnie, thanks for sharing your letter. It's so strange to read an actual real letter from a man to the woman he loves very much...while at the same time knowing that he's in combat.

I also truly appreciate you being able to understand our point of view - the ones who did not receive the love/encouragement as children and grew up in a very dysfunctional life. I've read several times here on AC of posters saying what a joy and honor to care for their loved ones. They kind of try to shame us - who don't have that loving attitude - that we are wrong, and shame on us for venting what we vent. I tell you this much, if this site wasn't here when I needed it, the venting of my anger/resentment - I would not be alive today. I had reached the point in my life when the ONLY solution to get out of my obligation to God to Honor my parents by caring for them - the ONLY way out and not have to deal with the Guilt of Disobeying God - was to kill myself. That was my conclusion because I could no longer handle this life of prison - which I viewed my life. A prison to caregive my parents. Thanks, Bonnie, for understanding us and not judging us. HUGS!!! {my goodness, I have tears in my eyes.}
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Joan, father keeps blaming older sis for calling the wrong person. He says that she should have called the hospital instead of 911. He blames the fire dept for coming here. It should have been the ambulance not the fire dept. He has become more demanding, ordering us around and expecting us to do it. I put a stop to THAT one.

He said that mom was beautiful (in her coffin at the Viewing.) He said that she looked like she was sleeping. He said that mom looked more beautiful dead than alive. Then he said that "someone" was doing bad things to mom while she was alive. (He believes the spirit possessed mom and changed her looks. Now that she's dead, the spirit left her body, and we are now seeing her Real Looks.) Remember, father is going thru senility fast since his stroke.

Since mom's passing away, there is such a BIG load off my shoulders. I can feel it immediately. I'm still exhausted but not the kind that I was experiencing when caring for Both bedridden parents. But, I can tell that father will be giving me more problems than mom as he goes thru his senililty. Mom has always been finicky about hygiene. She did her darn best not to poop on her Depends pamper until we started changing it. The minute it came off, she started pooping like crazy - so much came out. Even up to this year, she would hold it in until changing time. That's how ingrain her finicky hygiene was - even deep into her dementia.

However, father is starting. And he is touching his poop, spreading it all over - back, front, upper stomache, beddings, etc...It drives me crazy how he can touch it and denies that he did it.

I'm planning to re-watch Teepa Snow's YouTube videos. The first time I watched it, I saw some things that I was doing wrong. This is why father and I argue a lot. I treat him like a child (his point of view) and he refuses to act as an adult (not touch poop).

Funeral almost tore my siblings apart. Us against my oldest bro. I did my best to keep telling my siblings to let it be. Oldest bro will always be like that. Just leave it be. It was a very close call. However, my 2 sisters of off-island (over rode my objections) decided that to omit oldest sis from getting a share of the bereavement money. Oldest sis spent 2 yrs caregiving both parents while I worked. I disagreed and was outvoted. Baby bro, took his own mortgage money and gave oldest sis her "share" of the money. He later told older sis that she just hurt oldest sis and that she was angry. Older sis called long distance and apologized. Survived That also. We survived but there is a lot of hurt that occurred. Thanks for asking....Sincerely, Book
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Bookluvr,

How are you doing? I was also wondering how your dad was handling the recent loss of your mother. I'm sure there are many adjustments going on right now for you.

Thank you so much for the suggestion concerning my mom's current condition.
She's suffered very much with acid reflux. Definitely, I know that any of the cruciferous vegetables, (broccoli, cabbage, bruss. sprouts, cauliflower), cause gas. In her condition since she's having fluctuating pain from the gallstones, I don't think it's at all a good idea to give her these. I was rather stressed on this visit and forgot to read the ingredients in the Ensure. I think, any of the prepared nutritional drinks also contain preservatives, and maybe extra sugar, which irritates an already sensitive stomach.

I thought of exactly what you suggested Book, keeping track of what she's eating, and see if there's a flare up with the pain. While I'm not there on a daily basis, all I can do is suggest. Next time I go down there will probably be Monday of next week, so we'll see how mom is doing. Again, thank you so much for this great advice, you know your stuff. You are in my thoughts, take care!
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux
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Margeaux, I hate taking pills. Doesn't matter if it's regular vitamins or prescriptions. I don't like taking meds. Every illness I get, I google it, read up on everything, and then go "natural." If I can prevent taking GasX, I will do so. Tylenols only taken when I can no longer think because the pounding head is too overwhelming. I still have my notes for Acid Reflux/Gerd. It's terrible to constantly be having acid reflux. I know that eventually, I will be needing meds for my Reflux. But that's my fault, too, because I like to do late night snackings. A definite no-no. I try to eat dinner by 8pm - deadline for any heavy eating. (From my research.) It's also hard Not to snack after 8p because when my stomach is empty - I get acid reflux! I just wished your sister could just do this for your mom. Those Reflux can feel as if you're having a heart attack. That's how bad the pain can get.

Ensure is way toooo sweet. I think there must be a better way to get nutrition. You may get it quickest that route, but what is the side effects of all that sugar? I never really Googled much on Ensure since it's not something that I needed to find out about. When father reaches that stage, I will Google info on it and alternatives. It's just way too sweet for him. He doesn't like sweets and his teeth is giving him problem. Eventually, I will need to research it. I tried grinding his food. He hated it. So that's out. He prefers liquid food....Thanks, Margeaux
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Sharynmarie,

You are spot on with regards to the analysis about my sister.
There really isn't much that I can do to help/change this situation with her, because she won't let me. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

You recently wrote about the dysfunction going on with your sister, and your role.
If I'm correct. I think you mentioned something such as, the fact that you didn't want to be the primary caregiver, and that you do what you do for your mom because you want to. You also acknowledged the fact that your sister is better at keeping track of accounts, because she is better at this. I too, feel this way, at least in the area of the financial concerns. I would not be able to handle this part of the responsibilities. Accounting and math are not my strong points. Along these lines, I do give my sister a lot of credit for the management of such.

I am not the primary, one reason is that I wasn't selected for this, and in our family's case required whomever was, (sister) to move into the family home w/mom and now deceased sister 4 and half yrs. ago to manage their care. Never the less, I do whatever I can. But lately I'm really feeling like limiting some of this too, since my sister's need to control is really getting OLD! Isn't this weird too, because my sister will always make it look only as if I'm unwilling to have more input, instead of looking at her own selfish behavior.

But right now, with all the developments about mom's health and visits to the ER twice in one week, I wish my sister would slow down, and stop being so rash in her judgment calls, thereby further stressing out my mother. Even that day I went there I found out, that my sister had sent mom to a nail salon with the caregiver during the day. What kind of priority is this, in light of the fact mother is ailing, please tell me.

Thank you Sharynmarie also for all of your insights.
O.K., we'll see.....mom has an appointment next Thurs. My sister for the first time said that if I wanted to go w/her, I could. I couldn't believe it!
Take care, Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Hi Emjo,

Yes, it was just absolutely too much for mom. I know for myself it felt like a forced issue. I have been thinking about the fact that mother's conditions and the level of care could now be more demanding. Just because some seniors are cared for in the home, isn't a sure guarantee, that people caring for them have all of the answers, or even have a clue in the necessary areas of concern, either.
Well, I'm going to take some deep breadths.

It's good to hear from you Emjo. I hope the adjustments to the meds is all positive, and the weather improves out your way. I know it's been a long winter for many people. Hugs to you, my dear! Much Love & LIght! Margeaux
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Joan~Thank you for your support. I still haven't heard a peep out of my sister and I will not call her as she never answers the phone on the weekends or weekday evenings.

I do appreciate what sister does do as I would not want to deal with the finances. If it were me, I would hire a financial planner or a cpa to do it since I really suck at paperwork. I know she is being run ragged right now with all the changes on mom's accounts, contacting the LTC, and both of us in contact with the community getting all the paperwork in order. I do feel the need to set boundaries around my time once mom is moved. I fear if I don't, sis will expect me to continue to take her shopping weekly, tend all her dr. appts. and once again, my time will not be used to enjoy anytime with my mom or to deal with my own life. Even with setting boundaries, if she does not feel up to coming down here, she will send an email stating so and I will have no choice. This is what angers me about her. I hope the new meds help to get you back on track...dang that snow and cold that keeps coming your way. We are warming up bouncing back and forth between 70's and 80's, I actually used the a/c the other day when it got up to 86. It got rather hot in the house by evening with no delta breezes to cool things down.

Margeaux~Good for your sister asking you to go to the dr. appt. I hope you can find out a little more about what is going on with your mom.

Book~It must have been very tiring for you with all that was going on leading up to your mom's funeral. I will have to check out utube and Teepa Snow, you have me curious now.

Hang in there everyone and I hope you find some time this weekend for yourselves. Hugs to all!
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Sharyn, Teepa Snow has a very unique way of teaching about dementia. I may cringe on how she does it - but that's because I'm the shy person who hates attention to be called on me. However, she DOES tell the people who attend her seminars/teachings to tell her that you don't want to be "chosen" in her teaching/lectures, and she will respect your wishes.

But if you do check it out, there is like Video 1 - whatever number. Start in the beginning because these videos are broken up into segments. Not sure if the reason it's broken up into segments because of some YouTube time limit requirement for videos. So, it's broken up.

With your mom's dementia getting worse, I think you and your sister would benefit from it. She helps us to understand what is happening to the person with dementia and why they do and say what they do. And so we have to be the "adult" when it comes to responding to them. But in a very Subtle way so that we don't insult our parent.
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I ended up having to call my sis. The community called me about the medical info the dr. filled out. He check on the questions that mom was a wonder risk, inappropriate behavior and sundowning. She told me that these 3 issues are a liability risk for them in AL.I told her I would pick on that page from them on Tuesday and give it to the dr. on the 18th...asking if he checked these because it could happen or if he thinks it is happening. I don't see it as a problem. I asked her about my email regarding the day we move mom and she said she understands and that is common sense...she just didn't see it till I pointed it out... Heavy sigh of relief!!!
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I'm glad this topic came up. My mother moved in with us and her drinking is really getting to me. Both my parents were alcoholics my whole life and I was aware of it but I guess i ignored it. Couldn't do anything about it while under their roof. But mom's drunk every night in front of my kids and I"m angry. I have talked to her about it, so did my husband and she honestly doesn't see what the problem is. It doesn't bother her being drunk in front of her grandkids. I'm not really looking for answers because she's living here just until I find her her own place. It does feel good to vent to people who are in the same (or similar) boat. Thanks!
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Dang!! I submitted before I was done...you me and my long winded posts, LOL!!
I am on vaca next week, Yay!!! Monday hubby and I are going over to the coast...Big Sur, Ca. There is a short, easy 1/2 mile hike to an overlook of the Pacific Ocean with a waterfall...Mcway Falls (you can google Mcway Falls, Big Sur, Ca.) I want to get some pics of it as well as the rugged coastline. I asked hubby today what time do you want to leave since I like to get there early for pics with the foggy coastline. He said, well maybe we will find a place to stay the night. It is funny when you ask a man a question and they never answer it!! I said, what do you mean, are you thinking of leaving when I get off work tomorrow night driving half way there?? It is a 3-4 drive but so well worth it. He said lets just play by ear and see what happens!!! He does not like to plan things in advance, where I like having a plan. I will not complain because he is willing to leave early enough for my liking and if we find a place to stay the night that is reasonable...so be it. Tuesday is our 36th wedding anniversary, I am not too old for an adventure even if we don't stay the night...just getting out for day will be great for me.
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Bradywine~ Welcome to the dysfunctional thread!! I am sorry you are going through all this with your sister. I have read some of your posts on other threads regarding keeping your privacy on here because you feared your sister was posting on this site too. Please come back and share with us, vent, offer support. We are here for you!!
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Hi Nimommy, vent away. Alcoholics will never see that their behaviors are a problem until they hit rock bottom. And even then, no guaranty it will make them want to change and improve. So, I'm just glad that your mom is temporarily in your home until you find a place for her. Best to find one fast before she decides that she likes your place so much better. From another poster, they made the mistake of "babying" their "temporarily placed" parent. They cleaned after her, washed her laundry, cooked all the meals. They treated her as a real guest. Parent loved it so much, she refused to move out! Now they are trying to un-do their pampering. Just wanted to give you a heads-up on this.

Sharyn, I hope you and hubby enjoy your 36th anniversary! Go have fun. Your mom's situation can wait until Tuesday.
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It really is quite sad when a loved one becomes sick, and here comes the dysfunction and drama! I never though in a million years that my father's family would treat me the way that they have. My husband is Active Duty Army for 26 years now and I have been with him for 17 of those years.
We have been stationed everywhere and it has been tough to get home to visit...but I always spent 2 weeks with dad each summer.
Recently found out my brother stole my fathers will, when dad was in the hospital. He found out Dad's net worth and flipped. He saw what we were getting and what Dad had and was mad!! I look at WHATEVER I may get as a GIFT!, dad didn't have to give me anything ! I am not owed anything! My Brother wants it all! So, in Feb. I had to leave IN because I was threatened.
As for my dad's family, they allowed to let my brother influence them, so I do no consider those people my family. Act like an adult and come to judge me by your interaction with me!! Not by gossip! Boy oh boy, I could write a book!!
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LilDebb39~What a horrible situation you are dealing with. Please come back and tell us more so we can offer support. I agree that getting that all mighty inheritance is not what is all about, unfortunately, many sibs want what they believe they deserve just because they are related. I have a brother who estranged himself from the family. He is entitled to his inheritance because that is what mom wants. He has to live with that know that he blocked not only my parents from his life due to the abuse, but he also blocked his siblings who did not abuse him. I am like you...I get what I get and I do for my mother what I need to do to see that she gets quality care and that I can still be a part of her life in a positive way. Bless you and Hugs to you!!
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Book~I looked at a few of Teepa Snow's videos. She has a good approach and it is probably worth ordering her videos to get the full benefit. I didn't see any that were marked as video 1 video 2, etc. Thanks for sharing..will check it out further.
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Thank you very much for the helpful comments. Tonight I really need the support this site gives me.
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Sharynmarie,

This is very good advice your friend, the psychologist has given you.
No matter the participators or non-participants I feel that every party should partake in at least having the choice of taking your mom to the ALF. I think many times too, maybe certain people don't speak up, because they're used to non-participation by some. Whether it's because as in your case that your sister has her health issues, or she lives 45 mins. away, or, whether as you've said a brother is estranged. Unless they know how important this is,, they're just going to sit back and leave it to you, the party in the family who usually takes action.
By them, you've asserted yourself. Now they know, and the choice is up to them.

I'm looking at things this way w/mom's case. I who don't live w/mom, but would appreciate that my sister be more transparent w/me about developments as to mom's current changes in her health. When she hides things from me, or I find things out later, I feel dissed and left out. Anyway, I don't know if I'm even making any sense. But I just wanted to share something that went on like a light bulb in my head and how I see some similarities about people and some of the issues we are experiencing right now. I was shocked when my sister finally invited me to mom's doctor's appointment. The other day, I became kind of bold, and told her too that I'd appreciate it, if she'd call me is being taken to the ER, and such.
Normally, I'd just keep quiet and not say anything, but I thought it high time to speak up.

O.K., I'm very happy that hopefully it got through to your sister, and I hope she and your brothers participate in supporting you on this day. Much Love & Light!
Margeaux
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I spoke to my sister yesterday. She said that finally mom had a full on breakfast.
She had oatmeal, a soft cooked egg, with toast. I was so happy to hear this.
I hope she continues to improve her appetite. Margeaux
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Margeaux~I am so happy that you spoke up to your sister. I agree that people we have a relationship with will not always understand what we are feeling unless we speak up, leaving out the anger of feeling put upon but explain how it affects us personally. I admit that I do have a problem with telling family how I really feel in order to keep the peace, but this time I just had to let my sister know that I could not deal with this without support.

I am glad to hear your mom is eating better. I know how the not eating is a big concern with our elderly loved ones. They need the nutrient packed foods to keep up their strength and when they start to loss it, it is so much harder and longer to gain it back. Keep us updated on your mom, the appt. and how you are doing. Love and hugs to you!!
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I told my mother today that I need to rest for about 4 weeks and because her dr.'s have said she can't stay by herself, she will need to think about assisted living. She took it well but I know my mother too well to know that she would just accept it. The phone calls have started, hanging up on me. At this point I am ready for a rubber room, a bottle of tequila and good old rock and roll!!
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((((sharyn))))) good for you, for telling her, but the repercussions are coming now - as you knew they would. This is such a tense time. I'll join you in the rubber room -, but I need painkillers for the fibro and I don't think tequila will do it. You are doing s well. Your mother is very fortunate to have you. and you are doing everything you can for the best outcomes. I wish she would appreciate you more. Hang in there One ste at a time, and abive all - lok after you!!! (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) and love
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Margeaux - glad your mum is eating better -hope she is on the mend from the gall bladder attacks. Surgery would be very hard on her. (((((((hugs))))))
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Wow, there are so very many kinds of dysfunction, I have yet to meet a family who doesen't have some sort of it.
When this post came across, I thought about the scenero. My mother was a strong woman, my father was hardworking, but silent person, rarely rose his voice. looking back he was totally absent emotionally, I know he loved me under the faciad, but coming from a old country style of living, it was not thought of to show anyone your emotions as that would be demeaning. I knew my mother loved me, she showed it in physical ways (Hugs, etc), but emotionally she did not. Then I went from that environment into a marriage of an emotional/verbal abuser (it took me many years to recogonize this) brought 3 children into the mix. and now as adults they are voicing what they dealt with growing up. I am like OMG how could I be so blind to the scerano. No there was NEVER the drugs or alcohol involved, or divorce. but I attempted to leave/divorce my spouse twice, he again "convinced" me he would change (never happened) Now I am his caretaker of this person. My daughter is divorced from a "passive agressive, alcoholic, gambler" they have a little boy who is being bantered about because of the fathers issues. My one son has gone the faith/religious way, my other son, dislikes me becausea I moved his father away from him, and I am a hateful person, who it is difficult to speak to. When does this cycle cease? This post has brought up numerous memories, many of which are a challenge to become aware of......
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Joan~Thank you♥! The true is two shots of Tequila and I would be out like a light, Lol!! My sister went over mom's about an hour after I left yesterday to take mom grocery shopping. Mom refused to go. This morning mom called 5 times, I answered the first 2 calls. She was combative and hung up on me so I didn't answer after that. Then I got a call from "H", the woman who has been balancing my mom's checkbook. Mom had called her telling her about us possibly moving her to AL. "H" encouraged mom and has encouraged her all along to move to assisted living. She told me to stand strong because she knows my mom is difficult and selfish. She said don't let her guilt you, this is best for your mom. She went on to tell me that she will eventually go to AL when the time comes because she does not want her daughter's last memory of her to be about cleaning her bottom. This is from a Christian lady who is 92 years old.Disclaimer: This is one 92 year old's perspective and in no way is a criticism of anyone who is caregiving and dealing with incontinence. Anyway...long story longer, Lol!! I was feeling better and went to pick up mom's script for Namenda and decided to go over her house to give her the meds. She was compliant. I took her grocery shopping, she mentioned the AL once and I just nodded. On the phone she still fights but in person she doesn't. She has called me once since we got back from shopping and is back to fighting so I won't answer anymore of her calls. Tomorrow she has an appt. for a med review and I may ask the dr. to script mom her own Xanax so it can be given to her during the first couple weeks after moving. If she makes things too difficult, we will have to get the conservatorship. I really think I am going to have to go to my dr. next week and be put out on leave. Mom is going to fight this like she has everything else and her personality disorder makes her too selfish to have the ability to care about anyone else's health and well being. Yes...it will be a Xanax night for me!! Hugs!
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Sharynmarie,

Wow! Your last post couldn't help but take me back to the days of our narcissistic aunt. Remember her?? It is good of "H," to have spoken to your mom about the AL. What a great attitude she has about this subject.

O.K., hang in there, my dear. It does at least sound like some of this may be sinking in if she mentioned it to you. I hope so.

Have a wonderful vacation, you've more than earned and need it!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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I spoke to my sister yesterday. Tomorrow is the appointment for gall stones.
Originally, she'd told me that if I wanted to go with them to the appointment, I could. But yesterday I asked her about it, what time it was, etc. She now gave me the, "it's at 4:00 p.m., in the afternoon. The time is going to pose a problem for me, because I live way on the other side of town, and this is rough traffic.
She sounded as if she was trying to say, that it wasn't necessary to go with them.
Anyway, I doubt that I'll be able to make it. But I'm wondering why now, she was backing down? I can never understand my sister! Margeaux
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I went to a funeral on Sunday, it was the wake. A friend, who I'm not that in touch with called on Sat., to tell me her younger sister had died. So a two other friends and myself went together to this wake.

Talk about dysfunction!! The brother of the deceased got up to say a few words about his sister. He said something like, "Our sister X, was a good woman, and she started in the ghetto....." He was then interrupted by our friend, (the one we were supporting), and she said, "Correction." She (their sister), was not from the ghetto." Apparently, our friend took offense to this term. She's a rather difficult personality, (part of reason, I'm no longer very close). Anyway, my other friends and I, had a moment of feeling embarrassed for the brother. We also found it comical. Really, it was rather sad to see this too. Margeaux
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