The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

UpsetSister, I can't believe your "family" is still playing these shenanigans with you! When are they going to get it, that you aren't responsible for their lives? There again is my biggest fear, in regards to Bb. I'm just waiting for the moment, it will come, but we won't be suckered into that crap! We've raised our kids, prepared for our future, he's not our responsibility! Sheesh!

Stacey, They don't understand the word no. My aunt who is 93 insists that my mother told her that she would always take care of her. And she thinks since Mom died it's my responsibility. My Mom was lots of things but she would never have said this. Simply not my Mom.

It's good your husband is aware of his brother's shortcomings. Be the bad one if have to. My younger brother always says he has no problem being "the turd in someone's punchbowl".

Oh my hubby's Bb is trying so hard to get his wife (whom I've never met) an I to become "fast friends", over the phone, it's desperate and disgusting, and I've nothing in common with her.

He puts her on the phone when he calls, to discuss his current medical conditions, and it is hard Not to give advice, as I did work in patient health care for so long, and have a basic understanding of such things. I am compassionate, and do care, IF what they are telling us it true, but he always has such "Fantasimical" extremes of any little issue, so it makes you sick just to hear about them, Gawd, I'm So Cynical! Lol! Only when it comes from him though! 

He Always has The Worst, Most Extreme Cases of Whatever Medical condition it is, and of course he "Almost Died", in nearly every episode he's had. Last big Episode her was Medi-Vact to Las Vegas, for a Hot Galbladder, had it removed, and then left the next day, "against Medical Advice", Because he can't do Anything by the books!

This all happened right after his Dad moved back in with us on Hospice, and I swear, it almost seemed as it he were competing for Sympathy over the whole situation! Whose worse off, me or my dying Father, sort of thing, he's Gross! Then he went on to say (was bragging to my husband), on how he was up and around 2 days post surgery, working on his Imaginary "Kick Butt Jet Boat", as he Always has to have or Be working on Some thing, to be Competing with something my husband is doing, whether it's a car, a boat, or just something to brag about, all the while we're here, caring for his Dad, with No Help from him!

And now he's calling nearly every day, and constantly asking my hubby to buy him things off of Ebay, and send it to him, and of course he's "gonna" pay him, when he gets there next week. It's the 3rd time hubby has purchased, and then mailed off car or boat parts in the last 3 months, and I'm not sure why he cannot buy these things directly himself, but hubby is of the mindset that Bb cannot buy off the Internet, due to his severe ADD, and his inability to read, or more likely, his inability to even have bank account With money in it, or to set up a PayPal account!

My husband has been compensating for him, his whole life, and he's the younger brother! I think it's all about Mooching, as it's all he knows how to do, and my husband falling for it, but deep down, my husband still feels that a lot of the reasons why Bb is the way he is, stems from their Crappy childhood, and that Bb had it even worse off than hubby had it, due to his learning disabilities, which then led to his "life of crime' and "womanizing".

At any rate, I see little that can be salvaged, but for hubby's sake, I will support a "distant" relationship, only for him, as long as it doesn't adversely affect our family unit.

We'll see how "reformed he really is, after hubby's visit there next week, to his home territory, where my husband is staying in Laughlin (not with his brother, Ha!), a little "Reno" on the river, at the big hotel, where he can always go back to his hotel room, to get away, or go down and play the slot machines if he desires, so it will be a good get away for him, he needs these little breaks too! Hes been through a lot! 

I chose to stay home, due to the expense of the trip (I don't want to waste money on that!), the atmosphere, Lol, and my little pooch Charlie-girl. I'm saving my winnings from our last vacation, for decorating! The Last place I want to be is with his Bb and Wife #9, Lol!  I'll stay home and spend time with my Sister's! There's Gambling here too, Lol! Just kidding!

Have a great night, Everybody! WhooHoo!

Stacey, just so you know, I think what your BIL is referring to is a " triple A", which is an abdominal aortic aneurysm, as opposed to a thoracic aortic aneurysm. Serious surgery, if that's what it is. Does he have Medicare for rehab?

Triple A can be a long and sometimes difficult recovery.

Yes BB, what he actually has is 3 separate Aneurysm's, 1 up high in his Abdomen, and 2 lower, where the aorta branches off into his lower extremities.  

It is a dangerous surgery,  which apparently he can "put off", until after my husband visits him next week. He does have Medicare,  probably Medicaid, and a wife who should be managing his affairs. I wish him well, but I'm trying to stay out of it! 

We never truly know if we can trust all that he says, but this time it is a Severe Enough Surgery, that my husband felt the need to see him, and to deliver his Inheritance check to him in person, and try to have some fun with him, in his neck of the woods.  

This whole "Executor position" isn't the best position we have ever held! I say we, because I was listed as the second in my FIL's will, but the majority of the duties seem to have fallen on my shoulders, Yay! Luckily it was a pretty simplified Will and process in the grand scheme of things. 

I'm glad that I won't be there in person to deliver the check, as knowing him, he will probably be disappointed.  Oh well, it wasn't our decisions on how he wanted his estate dispersed,  we're just following his directive. 

My BIL had asked my husband just how much he would be receiving,  as his Dr told him to get his financial affairs, his Will and Directives in order, before surgery,  but hubby was uncomfortable giving him the info over the phone.  He told him it wasn't enough to worry about, and would have it in cash, soon enough. I just don't want my husband being pressured into giving him more out of pity. Heck, He only visited his Dad 2 time in the past 14 years,  and one of those times was at his Mom's funeral. 

My husband had to tell his step-sister that he did not wish to be her Executor,  should she pass before him. She lives in another state,  and they are not close at all. It would be a nightmare to have to implement the carrying out of someone's Will from another state, Uggg! I hope she understood,  and made the nessesary changes to her documents!  How would you know if they took care of such a change, anyways? IDK, but my husband is OUT of the death and dying business, 2 times is enough! 

Margeaux is was nice to hear from you. I dont know what it is but everytime I read your post what ever the content, I find it very soothing and peaceful.

Today was my father's aniversary. I didnt boo hoo this time around. I do that everynow and then. He was such a good upstanding man. Even though he played a big role in making that sismonster I have. Maybe one day I can put in few words the type and dynamic of our relationship.

Anyways, when I get in this morning, I find the livingroom door locked again. My sister has taken my mother's keys. she found some but not to this door, so I lopened it gave her her breakfast sandwich. Told her I was turning end so I could get up later.
When I get upstairs the family friend whom I had asked to help me out with housework once a week called and tells me that she is calling me because she knows my sister didnt tell me that she wants her to come from 1pm to 4 or 5pm in afternoons. Also that she was giving a key to the womandown the street " for emergency" and that she refused her offer of a key. So she is giving people keys to the house to come in while I am there and have no respect to tell me whats going on.

Naturally she did not tell me this. I get to bed about 1030 10 if I am lucky it takes me a while to fall a sleep I take melatonin and now I find this azestaline nasal spray for sinus helps also. My sleep is broken so I may get 4 hours in on a good day. this includes my mother occaisonally knocking on door at least twice usually once I am dosing and again between 2 and 3 pm. My sleep is broken so I make wake that time depending , sometims I am just fallinga asleep then.

I say that to explain how inconsiderate and insulting it is for her to make arrangements that invovle me without speaking to me. I am also pissed because in her sick mind I she sees is that I am there and its daytime.

So I this person says she asked if she could wash her hair twister says okay. Meanwhile she has made these arrangements but has not arranged how this woman is to get in daily. I told her I would dead sleep or almost there at 1pm.

I told her I would not be getting up and breaking my sleep to cater to and feed into my sisters continual direspect and outcasting.

AS it turns out the neighbor must have refused as my sister told the family friend she changed her mind. Now I guess this woman who see the dynamics refused and saw my sister settting her up to let in the help unbeknowst to me who lives there.

I told J (the family friend, I calllher my aunt) that I would not be opening the door. I did not talk to her tell my sister I did not answer the door. Then J is now getting upset becasue she wanted to wash her hair? I going to do her like that? That was a flip. So I realize maybe she didnt have hot water in her house ( she owns a house. Lives alone and does not have a lot. Lots of people help her out. I started seeing that she notice when she says she needs ssomething I will try and get it. and same with other people. She has always been good to me and the housework thing was a way to help her out also.
Turns out I found that she unrattles my mother, they are good friends for years. sometimes my mother is fixated on going to her house.

Anyways I tell her okay but come now because I need to get my rest. She gets dressed, gets to house about a 11am which is past my sweet spot for sleep. As I go down my mother who is in low key mode sitting on her bed engaged with contents of a bag, now gets stirred up. I let J in. We talk my mother comes down gets gired up and here we go. I go upstairs but keep hearing dog bark and there is my mother and J struggling at door. My mother tring to get out calling her stupid. When I come down my mother comes right in calling her stupid and talking her usaual nasty. I get her in she calms down I go on upstairs and maybe get two hours. I feel exhausted. Now when I leave my mother tries to leaves again, there is a struggle. Leaves are in front so I direct her attention to leaves saying let her sweep leaves she is okay. She sweeps them but refuses to put on a coat. Then finally she goes in, J says dont lock her in leave door open she will sit out and wait for my sister. her hair is wet because she could plug in dryer. My mother now wont let her out. so here we go again. I am telling you it was crazy. I left J standing out side my mother going inside telling herto get out and dont come back.

What ever that plan was, It backfired and I suffered loss of sleep. J said the same thing I told her this morning, My mother was fine until i came down. My sister is trying her damdest to keep me out of the loop. It it means giving the key to the house to people who never set foot in there in all the years my mother had the house. I would invite her for cake and dinner on my mohter birthday and cookouts and she would always say you know I dont go in your house. I would roll lmy eyes and take her a plate of what ever and a drink. Sometimes we'd have drinks after shoveling snow during breaks.
I think she was very hip to my sister getting ready to use her as a pawn to block me out.

I am still laying back. letting it play out. I dont know and cant understand her crux to keep me out of loop. Its crazy.
I guess should be a whine. Lately I cant do the two. I am tired.

Love and peace to all. Sorry I have not caught up. StaceyB so sorry to hear about the situation with your husbands' brother. Its weird to see how things unfold. I am sure this is hard on your husband deep inside. I wish you both strength and courage as you see this through.

glad - you are right about stepping back and letting things happen - so others learn the realities. It works as long as no one is in danger.

sharyn - sounds like you will fit in well at work. You know your job. Good for dd getting a new pediatrician who will follow up with what E needs,

upset - sounds like the groups are going well and that there are a lot of caregivers in your area. Those relatives of yours are dreadful and have a large and inappropriate sense of entitlement. I have no trouble being the bad one either. They (mum and sis) always said I was, so may as well live up to it when it works for me.

chris - I am glad you are aware if that and hope you have a back up plan.

stacey - hope the results of all the testing come out well. You have been under a lot of stress. The redecorating sounds lovely. Don't overdo it, but enjoy it at your own pace. I would be very cautious about Bb. He is a con artist through and through and will try to get money from your hub - guaranteed. I am glad you both will put up resistance to his efforts. He is a classic narcissist with the "worst" medical conditions ever heard of. I would stay skeptical. The timing is so convenient. Good for your hub declining to be executor for his sis.

guest - you are right, There are some people who are not safe in your home. I stopped letting mother stay after she came by bus and refused to leave unless I drove her back. I know she was testing the waters re staying with me. My sis is very nosey and expects to be waited on hand and foot, so I cut that off too.

duck - stay detached as much as you can. If you see that your mother is in danger I think it would be a good idea to notify her doctor. There is no understanding why your sis and your mother are as they are. They are sick and you will never understand their words and actions. You have to accept how they are. Stay on the sidelines. We understand and know you mean well for both of them. I am glad your dad was an understanding man. I know you miss him.

Getting over this bug but still falling asleep in the daytime. Mornings I can hardly keep my eyes open.

Yesterday had a good chat with dd who has been diagnosed with ADHD, as well as the youngest grandson. Granddaughter has it too and ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). They all are on meds which are supposed to help. Oldest grandson was diagnosed with Asperger's a while ago. My oldest son was diagnosed with ADHD, but he refused to take meds. Both older boys have learning disabilities and the middle one has ADD not ADHD. Really looks like a genetic link there. Youngest son (who died) from a different dad didn't have any of it. I think my father may have had some school difficulties, but he got an engineering degree regardless. Hope the treatment helps dd's family. There is no doubt that she has been "scattered" and forgetful and more all her life, but she resisted seeing anyone when she was young, and she did exceptionally well in school so I didn't push it, not that that would have done any good anyway. She goes for her tests for certification as a trainer this weekend. I know she will ace them.

Dd also checked out my progress re exercising and is encouraging me to add weights (bar bells or whatever) to my squats. I have to make sure my knees are OK first. Stretching before I get up is helping, and I am doing some leg lifts (bent and straight) then too. Not as good as on the floor, but better than nothing. The abs can use any help I can give them.

Snow has arrived for the duration. Oh well!

Also my first bill from the NH has arrived. Looks like the pprwk will be less onerous. Mother's new hearing aid has arrived at the Hearing Center and they will mail it to her at the NH. Hopefully they will not lose it. That should look after things for now.

A moan - my fave brand of decaf is not available any more. Some of the popular ones gave me the jitters at one point. I am trying McC. I think I am OK with *bucks and Timmies.

I got another call from the police in WV, trying to convince me that my aunt was in harm's way. They said that her daughter and granddaughter do not take care of her. I gave them phone numbers for both of her son's, her granddaughter who actually has a job and seems responsible and also both of her younger sisters. Both of her sisters live nearby and are in good health. They also have large homes with plenty of room. I am not responsible for this woman and no means no.

Golden, We have 35 caregivers enrolled in groups and individual counseling. There are probably 8 others who drop in for coffee. Our "nap" room is popular. We have 4 cots, play soft music and set alarms in the office so everyone gets home on time.

Way to go Upset! You don't need this, and it is awful they keep calling you

pamzimmert, I don't need my aunt and her daughter/granddaughters in my life. I am positive that my mom never said she would take care of her. They have spent years trying to get money from other family members. I'm not going down that road.

StaceyB, that carpet sound so beatiful, Have fun redocorating. New life, new furniture and no to Bb. Manipulation and using people takes me from o to 100 in a second. Thats my sister and of course lying is in the package.
Like Guest, says, hotel way or no stay.

Upset, I really truly admire this calling you have and the work you are doing. I am sure you are impacting and helping a lot of lives. God Bless. Every little bit helps but what you are doing is awesome and encouraging.

Sharyn, I am glad things are okay. I didnt get all about the testing and heart monitoring. But I agree with you about the effects of stress.

Today I am happy to be posting just because. Oh I have plenty to say, complain, cry. I just feel content right now to sit and watch things play out in my family and boy are they playing out. I will be off line for a few.
God bless and keep you all. Rays of light peace and joy to all. Peace.

DDuck, good to hear you are detaching more and more. There is a popular book out (I haven’t read it yet), The Subtle Art of not Giving a F@)k that suppose to be great for ideas of leaving things be, not involving ones self in situations.

I’m off today, we are taking the boys to the new dr. Halloween was fun and very community spirited compared to California. E was overwhelmed when dd brought the boys here, he didn’t want to come in the house. I think it was the attention of wearing a costume. We ignored the costume and he settled down quickly. Dd and I went to one of the local grocery stores parking lot where business had a trunk and trick. It was great! It took about an hour to walk through while each business gave out candy. Then we went back to my house, hubs was passing out candy to the neighborhood kiddos. Very much community where neighbors are out talking and by dark, it was over.

I had a chuckle at work last night as this woman approached the hot foods counter. I recognized her and started toward her to help her. She looked at me, recognized me and quickly left, haha! It was my dd’s Former BFF. I thought her reaction to me spoke volumes to her wrong doing. Even though she is my dd’s Scentsy sponsor, dd has cut her off completely, no contact, no communication. She had to go no contact so she can move forward from a toxic friendship.

From EastEagle, Hello All: I am So Sorry that I have been away for some weeks. I am thinking of that old saying: "I turn up like a bad penny". Anyway, my Husband and I were tied up with having to replace our old oil tank which was starting to leak, and we caught it just in time, before it had a chance to leak all over the place. So we were very lucky in that respect. However, when the technicians were replacing the oil into the new tank, they accidentally spilled about a gallon of oil. They cleaned it all up, and they use air fresheners that are safe for people and the environment (my Husband looked it up on the internet) and they are supposed to take away the smell of the oil, BUT they have a strong cherry scent, and those 2 odors mixed together - the oil and the cherry - was making me feel nauseous, so I stayed at my eldest Daughter's house for 2 nights. I have always had allergies, and very sensitive to strong odors, and for some reason, I get a nauseous feeling. So now we are back to normal, whatever that means !! Now I have another big problem, and I need your advice again. This time, I feel that I am in an impossible situation, with no easy solution. As you all may know, my Mother is 93 yrs old, and she fell in July, and broke her hip, so I think you all know the details. She went home, and had Physical Therapy, Visiting Nurses, etc. and for the months of August and Sept, and up to right now, she has been complaining that "they have to go" and she wants them out of her house, so that she can get back to her own life and schedule, and that they are bothering her all the time. So this brings me up to a few weeks ago: my Mother will not sleep in her bed, she still has the hospital bed in her bedroom, plus her own bed, but she stays up all night and falls asleep in her chair in the living room - which she has placed right in front of the TV. A few weeks ago, from what I understand, she had fallen asleep in her chair around 9:00pm at night, and she leaned on her medical alert alarm, and I am not sure how it happened. I assume that the company tried to call her, but she was not wearing her new hearing aid (another long story) and so they called the Fire Dept. and of course the F.D. had to break into her house - and had to break the locks on the back door. My Mother did not even hear them at the front door trying to get in. As I mentioned before, she does not have a front door bell that works. We bought her a new one, but my Brother (who has control of her house) said that he already got a new door bell, so that was back in July, but so far, he has not installed it yet. I am trying to make this long story short, but so much stuff has happened, so I have to leave out some details here. So that night, I got a phone call at around 9:15 from the Fire Dept, after they were able to break into my Mother's house, and I spoke to really nice Lt. of the Fire Dept., and he told what happened, and that my Mother was OK, and that they had tried to call my brother but got no answer from him. I informed the Fire Dept. that my Brother was going to Mexico for his company (he has to go for one week each month) but that I did not know when he was leaving, or if he had already left. The Lt. also said that we would have to repair the back door. So right after I got off the phone with him, I called my brother. I was very surprised when he answered the phone, and obviously he was still at home. He told me that he was supposed to be sleeping, and had to get up early to get his plane in the morning. And he said he was really annoyed that he was getting this call from me. So he was not happy at all. I told him what happened, and that he and my Mother, would need to get a better plan in place in case this happens again. I tried to explain to everyone, that my Husband and I could not get there that night, since I can't drive thru Boston, (too nervous) and I can't see at night - I have night blindness, and my husband who has a bad back, had already gone to bed. He has to go to bed early, around 9:00, to rest his back. I also called my Mother back that night, and I told her that I was so alarmed when I got that call from the Fire Dept. I told her that because of my heart problem, that my heart starts racing when I get upset. She didn't seem to care about that. The next morning she called my Cousin, who helps her a lot, and my Mother told her that I was mad at her. So I spoke to this Cousin, and explained what happened. The next thing was: my Mother had her regular checkup and her Doctor told her not to walk around the house without her walker, that she is in great danger of falling again. She told her not to try to do anything alone, like cooking with the stove, anything that requires using both hands. So, my Mother wants to have Thanksgiving at her house, and she wants the entire Family to be there. Of course, I don't want to disappoint her. She always says that it will be her last Thanksgiving, or her last Christmas, whatever Holiday it is, and of course that could be true. However, my Husband and I would have to do all the food shopping and cooking. My Brother and his Wife, and his oldest son, and daughter in law and their one year old son, and his younger son and his girl friend, will all arrive around 2:00pm, and we would have to get there by 9am to get all the cooking done. The problem is that we would have to leave around 3pm or so, before it gets too dark, because both my Husband and I can't drive in the dark. The other issue is: our youngest daughter asked us if we could go to her house for Thanksgiving, she and her Husband Jeff would be doing the cooking, they are very good cooks and enjoy doing this for the family. The reason we are invited is that our Son-in-Law's Father died this year, at age 70, and now his Mother is alone and has been very depressed. His Mother also lost her Father and Mother at a young age, and her Mother's sister - Aunt Betty - took the place of her Mother. Well, Aunt Betty also died this year. Also, Jeff and his Mother have custody of his Brother's 5 children, and it would be too much for her to be alone for Thanksgiving, and to cook for all the kids. So my Daughter and husband have already decided that they could not go to my Mother's house for Thanksgiving. But, my Mother wants to know why they all can't go to her house, and I tried to explain that there are just too many people, plus Jeff also has a brother and an Uncle. Our Middle daughter will be working on Thanksgiving, as she does every year, since she works in a hospital. So, my Mother would still have 6 adults plus her one year old Great Grandson, but they are the ones who do not cook or help out in the kitchen. We have been going to my Mother's for the past 40 years, and my Husband has always helped my Mother to cook the turkey, and I would cook all the veggies, etc. As I said, my Brother and his (second) wife would show up when the food was ready. My husband wants to spend Thanksgiving with our Daughter and her husband this year, he does not want to drive to my Mother's house and we can't drive after dark anyway. We can get to our Daughter's house early, eat around 1pm, and then we can leave earlier. So, my question is: how do I tell my Mother that we can't make it to her house this year? I do not have the guts to disappoint her. What can I say to her, to break the news, there is no easy way out of this problem. If I lived closer to my Mother, then I could be at 2 places in one day. Thanks everyone, I really do appreciate your input.

Hello EastEagle! Good to hear from you.

You are afraid of disappointing your mother.

Mmm. Tricky. I know that's a hard one.

The decision isn't hard, though. On the one hand, you have something you DO want to do both for your own sake and for good, sound, practical and charitable reasons. On the other, you have something you DON'T want to do for equally good reasons.

So. Step One. Decide which you are going to pick. The Good Idea, as you would advise anyone you like and cared about? Or the Bad Idea, which would let down your husband, your daughter, her husband, his recently bereaved mother; and involve you in a lot of thankless donkey work; and expose you and your husband to a miserable day and a nasty drive.

Not really a choice, is it? If you are worried about feeling selfish, look at this way: be kind to that poor widowed lady, put your husband first, and try to overlook the fact that for the first time in forty years you may possibly enjoy Thanksgiving.

This is what you do:

First, tell Bro it would be better if mother joined them at their house this year for Thanksgiving. Get it agreed.

Next, this is what you say to mother. "Dearest mother, this year we have all made different plans. Bro and family will make you very welcome at their house, where Bro will also enjoy the luxury of choosing the menu so that for once he isn't complaining about it. And you will enjoy the refreshing change of their not being late and ungracious, because they won't have had the trouble of leaving their own house. They will be arranging transport, and you will have a lovely time. It's all good! Love you lots xxx"

Chew this idea over, see how you feel about it, maybe share it with your husband, then come back to us. Big hugs x

East, I think CM's idea is a good one. It covers all your bases. Do you think your brother will go along with this plan?

Eagle, it's hard sometimes for elderly parents to accept that the younger generations would like to start their own traditions, often in their own homes. All you can do is explain that yes, we used to do things one way but now the kids are grown and we are changing to another way. It's wonderful that you and DH will be able to help with the food, but not be having to do all the work for the whole meal -- that's as it should be, the passing of the baton.  I always did the family gatherings - the first time one of my kids hosted a family gathering, I was amazed at how wonderful it was to be able to make one dish and then be a guest.  You two deserve to be able to step back and just enjoy.  Once you make this change for Thanksgiving, it'll help you with redoing the Christmas traditions next month.

Hi All, Thank You for the wonderful advice. Yes, It would be so much easier if my Mother would agree to go to my Brother's house for a Holiday. However, it gets very complicated, because my Mother had decided - years ago - not to go to his house any more for dinner or for any Holiday - for several reasons. First of all, my Mother decided that she did not like his house, that it was not "comfortable enough" for her, and second - that my Brother's wife could not carry on a conversation with my Mother because she did not watch and follow all the news like my Mother does, and my Mother only likes to discuss all the current events, but she also likes to tell stories about the Family History, and my sister-in-Law ignores my Mother when she is talking about the past. And now, my Mother can't get up the stairs at my Brother's house anyway. He owns a 2 family and he is on the second floor, with a lot of steps. As I mentioned, my Brother's oldest son has a one year old, his birthday is this weekend, on Nov 4th, and they are having a big children's party at The Children's Museum in Boston, this Saturday. My Mother and Brother, and his first wife (the Grandmother) and his second wife (The Step-Grandmother) are invited, and my Brother's younger son, etc., but the rest of our Family, which would be my side (my kids, and Grandkids) were not invited. They are having 20 adults, mostly their young friends, and 20 children. Of course, my Mother can't go, she can hardly walk now, and my Brother does not want to be around a lot of kids, so he is not going. But, he called his Son, and they both decided that they will have a "Family Party" at my Mother's house this weekend, but my Brother is leaving all the work for my Mother to do, and now she has to find a way to get a birthday cake. I told her to tell my Brother to get the food and the cake, but she won't listen to me. Of course, we have not been invited to this "Family Party". I had thought that they would have a party for the family, on a later weekend in November, and that we would all be invited. So, as I mentioned, my Mother is having a very hard time to walk, even with the walker, she is trying to be very careful, that means that she can't come to our house. But, the last few times that she was at my house, she told me what a horrible time she had. I won't even get into all of that, another long story !

From EastEagle again, I forgot to mention that my Brother is having the Birthday party for his Grandson (my Mother's Great Grandson) who will be a year old, this Sunday. This is the "Family Party" and my Brother did not call me to invite us. But, we can't go anyway, since it is also my Husband's Birthday, and we are having a party for him, also on this Sunday. My Brother just decided to have it, at the last minute, no advance planning at all. We have not even met this new member of our Family, my Nephew and his wife do not keep in touch. I would love to see him in person. My Nephew and his wife are the ones who called me last June and told me off on the phone. My Brother was supposed to take my Mother for some tests, but at the last minute he could not go with her, so he asked his oldest son to take her. My Mother had a bad reaction to the barium drink, and my Nephew got very upset about it. He and his wife both called me at home. This was last summer when my husband who has the back injuries had hurt his back again, and could not do anything. I was even told about this Doctor appointment, until the day my Nephew called me from the Clinic. His new wife proceeded to tell me off, and I explained to her why I was at home with my Husband, and that I could not leave him alone, he needed my help. She told me that I had to get to my Mother's house right away to stay with her, and I had to get my priorities right. Another long story.

East...

You have - I think? - two lovely daughters with nice husbands and children of their own. You have a nice husband of your own, come to that.

And you are a caring person who loves her mother and her brother and takes a lively interest in what gives with them, too. That's fine. It's healthy.

But given how busy you are with your own nice family, and how your mother has on countless occasions rejected practical proposals you have made, and how even if chaotically your brother, who has taken these responsibilities on himself after all, does eventually get things sorted one way or another, so your mother is fine...

Less time worrying about what you can't change or help. More time focusing on the lovely people you've told us about here before, and who are loving dutiful granddaughters too.

And definitely no worrying about not being invited to a baby's party that you didn't want to go to anyway and which clashes with something far more immediately important so that you couldn't have even if you did.

Overlook the nephew's wife's previous insolence, if you want, and invite them to a family lunch when it suits you. He can accept if he'd like to. If he wouldn't like to, he needn't. No harm done.

East, this is definitely the year for you to stop cooking a big meal for these people. And when your mother mentions needing birthday cake or gift or paper plates, tell her she needs to talk with your brother and move the conversation to another topic - don't engage. You have no role in whether this party is a success or failure.

Signs of better things in the next generation: five out of seven children of my own icily dysfunctional family - two of my kids and their cousins - are getting together this weekend for fun and a catch-up, and the two who can't make it have really good excuses. They organised this all by themselves! Which makes them a great deal more mature and mutually supportive than any of their parents - including me - ever were.

I just hope it doesn't lead to their getting any funny ideas about trying to spread the love among their elders. But surely they'll have far more interesting topics of conversation than that.

CM I wish my kids would get over the trying to spread the love between me and twisteds. I don't think my kids get together with cousins, all boys, all very free spirits as we used to call them. My kids all very responsible, with their own families. Twisteds boys just on their own paths.

Ding! Recent posts indicate that the Late 2017 Holiday Hassle Season has begun. Right on schedule. Deep breaths, everyone!

I’ll never forget my watershed “holiday WTF”: Easter 2004. Our (sig other and I) first year as homeowners. After yearrrrs of renting — separately and together— we both finally had a dining room for the first time in our adult lives.

In response to years of my mom ramping up the noise on what a pain in the rear end it was for her to host holiday meals (and refusing all offers of help, food contributions and “let’s do potluck”), I offered to host Easter.

Mom shut that down because my stepdad’s battle-axe old-maid sister (who they entertained at every calendar prompt....and who found fault with nearly everything) “couldn’t do steps.” And our 1st floor bathroom has TWO STEPS leading to the entrance.

That’s it! Those were the only 2 steps she’d have to contend with. There would be plenty of able-bodied people here to help her navigate TWO steps. 

But no. Shut down as if I’d suggested waterboarding all 3 of them. Mom wouldn’t let me finish a sentence, as I tried to explain that she could chill out and Just Be A Guest. None of that pesky work that Mom’s been complaining about since I was old enough to tie my own shoes.

Side note: It has always been “my job” to magically solve Mom’s problems. But an impossible job. Because Mom is Too Special to find merit in anyone else’s advice. Ever. The queen of “yes but.” Or “no,” for short.

And sig-others’ parents had some arcane reason for not driving 4 miles (yes, 4 miles — that is not a typo) to allow one of their offspring to do something nice for them. God forbid they’d have to temporarily alter their mission statement of “boo-hoo, our adult children don’t include us in their lives.”

Happy Easter, everyone. 

Across the 13 years between then and now, the cast of characters has been reduced. The illogical “can’t” statements have taken new twists. And yet....

The underlying theme remains the same: What’s left of my family and most of sig-others’ family think that he & I exist to cater to everyone else’s neuroses.

To be fair, that’s what they expect from everyone on the planet. But holidays sure ramp it up. I try to walk that fine line between being true to myself and not being a total azz. Sig other and I often agree on the UGHH of it all, but disagree on the execution.  

As always, counting the days until December 26th!

You've reminded me of my son's birthday party which turned out to be on an upper floor of a sixteenth century pub by the river - about twenty steps, all crooked. I pushed mother's wheelchair to the foot of it, ground to a halt, and said "ah."

Didn't have time to think what to do, because son's BIL, friend and best man - all rugby players - swept past me, hoisted the chair with mother in it and carried her bodily up those stairs before she could even draw breath to shriek.

Um. It does sort of sound as if what your dearest aged relatives most enjoy about the holidays is complaining? I agree it can get a girl down, but do remind yourself that they're having fun even if you're not!

BH, ah, yes, the joys of hosting the "never quite goodenoughs" with their bag of salad or unbaked dinner rolls being their contribution to the feast! One actually brought tupperware to be able to make a plate for leftovers the next day and complained that there wasn't really enough to make a good plate (this person brought a 6 pack of beer that they drank alone). So we don't host any more. Despite complaints from FIL and MIL who feel like it's not the holidays without the family get-together...at my house....with me prepping and cleaning and PAYING...nope. Best part of son 300 miles away at college? We are going down there to have holiday meal at Thanksgiving. Told husband yesterday that any celebration with FIL/MIL or BIL/wife would have to be scheduled in advance in the next two weeks, would be at a restaurant, and would be limited to 2 hours (not including travel time which is that long round trip). Otherwise, we'd be arranging a big get together at in-laws house and helping arrange cleanup of house, transport of wheelchair bound MIL from assisted living back to house and back to assisted living, prep and serving all food, and cleanup after. MIL has already hinted that's what she was expecting after her roommate's daughter talked about what she planned for her Mama. What am I making for holiday dinners? RESERVATIONS. and NOT ON MY NICKEL.

upset - they are so dreadful - so dysfunctional. Don't the police have the picture yet? 35 + is a lot of caregivers. The nap room sounds like such a good idea.

duck - keep detaching - Just let it play out as long as she is safe.

sharyn - hope the new dr worked out well. Glad the boys and all had fun at Halloween. So dd's former BFF could not face you. Dd is much better off without her.

east - time to say no to doing all the work at your mother's at holidays and getting no appreciation. I agree with Linda. Time for someone else to do it. As I recall from what you wrote previously, your bro and mum were never considerate of you and your needs. They are never concerned about upsetting you. Your own family needs you with them - so go for it. Let mother and bro figure out what they are going to do be it holidays or this birthday party. Not your problem. I am puzzled why you want to see this nephew in person, His wife was very rude and unkind to you on the phone telling you what your priorities should be. I am not as generous as cm. I would not care to see them lest there be a repeat performance by them.

cm - isn't that lovely!!! I do hope they won't try to get you and your sibs together, Ugh!!! That's hilarious about your son's party. Surprise is a great tactic.

glad - mine don't socialize either and being spread between two continents ensures that, but even if all were in the same city I am not sure it would happen. There are a couple of serious boozers and probably more that booze, a few serious tee totallers, and one couple in between. It wouldn't make for a great party. One of the boozers in a mellow moment tried to convince me of my sis's love for me. Hah! I declined to answer.

bh - ah yes, - “my job” to magically solve Mom’s problems - only she really doesn't want them solved, she just wants to be center stage with her complaints. Oh the childhood memories of excitement mixed with dread over holidays and other special occasions. Come to think of it the excitement dropped away over the years, but the dread was still there and remains to the present. It is OK to be an azz sometimes. They feel free to be. You can have your turn. ;p

guest - you have their number! Reservations, then they can complain about the restaurant and not you. I am familiar with the bringing of the 6 pack and drinking it themselves. Ex used to do that and more. Love those references to room mates families and how perfect THEY are. Mother had that one down pat.

I am quite happy hunkering down in my home at holiday time, possibly with a few treats, and enjoying the peace. I have pretty well let go of any expectations of others.

I've been reading all the holiday comments. I used to dread holidays. This year not so much. PJ's family is large and they include so many people. Two of his sons invite their former spouses. None of them are remarried and their children like to have holidays together. PJ says they've never had problems. But they only come on Christmas morning and dinner. Then they go their own way. One son invites his FIL and SIL. Two of his grandson's bring the old maid cousin with whom they live. So it's a big crowd. My brother will be here too.

Golden, We do have a lot of caregivers. We're an aging town and also low income - can't afford AL.  And, traditionally most families have always cared for older family members in the home.

I like working with the caregivers. I'm glad we have the facilities and services they need.