notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Just about had a melt down over a piece of mail today. Nothing special - just another form that has to be filled out. And I am not quite over the flu yet.
Sometimes it feels like Chinese water torture - the continual drip and the anticipation of the next one . I know I have it far easier than the many of you with hands-on caregiving. What gets me is that this had been going on for so long, and looks like it will go in for a while longer. Black Hole nailed it when she said she had been chosen to magically solve her mother's problems, to make her happy. This was established in childhood, right? I too have been in a 'caregiver' role for many, many, years and I am tired of it. I really have hardly known life without it. There was somewhat of a hiatus when I cut mother off for a year when I was in the midst of childrearing. What a relief! But, foolishly or not, I let her back in my life, and the problems increased.
So here I am, on the eve of needing caregiving myself, still problem solving for my mother and still fending my sister off. It is old, in so many ways.
Sometimes I wonder if that is part of the glue that holds me together, as it has been such a significant part of my life. I don't think so, but, sometimes I wonder... I wonder what life will be without this pressure, should I live long enough... I wish I could just "unhook the cart", so to speak, and wander off into the fields and smell the wildflowers...
On the other hand, I recently found out that my hairdresser was at the concert in Las Vegas where the shooting took place. Oh, goodness me. I guess visiting nursing homes isn't so bad at that.
Earlier in the evening I visited a couple of the caregivers at their homes and met their mothers. Both have advanced congestive heart failure. Very nice ladies. It's difficult to see the poverty. My son used to talk about it in high school, but I wasn't exposed to it much. I worked in jobs at the University that provided housing on campus and I was somewhat insulated from the surrounding towns. I know that poverty doesn't help things in dysfunctional situations.
The CFS/FM has forced me to be a relative non doer for some years now, and I am still adjusting to the limitations it imposes on me. I have to budget my energy, pace myself carefully, and rest a lot - not just physically, but brain wise too. Looking after things for mother takes up a significant amount of my available energy. I had other plans for the energy I used for the paperwork. It can be frustrating. The government wanted to know that mother was still alive and thus deserving of her pensions. I would think that the facility she is in would be a better source for that information as they subsidize her costs, but in government the right hand never knows what the left hand is doing. I think it is designed that way.
Glad, Ming is a perfect name. I hope you take a picture for your avatar.
Golden, I hope you are recovering from the flu. Your Dd is making great progress. Enjoy your relationship with her. The unending paperwork is a nuisance.
Stacey, your bil never stops. It’s rather interesting he can postpone such a life threatening surgery until after your hubbys visit.
Upset, I’m glad the caregivers resources you are helping so many receive help through is so successful. I hope the girls and the slumber party were a great night of fun for all.
Yes, those of you discussing the dreaded holidays. There does come a time when it becomes too much stress trying to accommodate family’s needs to keep things the same as they have been for 50 years. Save yourself and do what is best for yourself and immediate family.
The new dr is great. He is very child friendly. Reassured my dd he would give referrals with no problems and for her to call the office if she is concerned or has questions. This dr has 5 boys age 10 and younger, lol!
Don’t forget to change the time back an hour tonight.
Golden, I have rheumatoid arthritis and a flare can leave me with no energy. Fortunately, my flares have been infrequent the last year. But, stress is a big trigger for them. I'm sure having both CFS and fibro can really zap your energy.
I visited two more caregivers at their homes. One is taking care of her 94-yr-old father with dementia. Very polite gentleman, but not too aware of his surroundings. The other caregiver is taking care of her 88-yr-old mother with advanced cancer on Hospice. She was very nice, happy to have a visitor. I told her I would visit again when she felt like a visit. I had never considered visiting homes but several of the caregivers had expressed an interest in having me meet their loved ones. So I'm meeting parents as I can arrange visits.
I'll be home, holding down the fort and alone for the first time in a Long Long time.
I've been alone so very few times in my adult life, that I won't know what to do with myself, but I'm gonna try to have Fun, none the less! I'm excited, I won't have to answer nor think about anyone else, except my little pooch, and mostly, she goes where I go, so no worries there either!
I've loads to do here around the house, getting things packed away in wait for my carpet and vinyl to be installed, and also hope to get some of the dreaded Christmas shopping done as well. At least now I've got a place to store my gifts, and hopefully get them wrapped up to in advance, to boot!
This Thanksgiving holiday, I've told All my kids to go and enjoy their holiday with their inlaws, as our house will be in a state of construction. It's unfortunate timing, but that's just the way it turned out this year. Hopefully it will all be finished, and back in order by the 1st week of December.
I've no idea how UpsetSister gets it all done so quickly, but I do so admire her organizational skills! At the moment, we're waiting on the delivery of materials.
On a funny note, I did have a phone call from eldest Son, who kindly offered a Thanksgiving dinner at their home on the Friday after the holiday, and then "apparently" my DIL threw my Daughter under the bus, saying that I SAID that my Daughter Really Really wanted to do Thanksgiving in Her home this year, and I know that I Never said that, ever! So now there's tension, none of my making, as I could give a darn about Thanksgiving in the first place. Now my Daughter and hubby are doing a post holiday meal in their home, and she's not exactly happy about it, but her "Chef" hubby is Thrilled to cook a big meal for our entire family, so she can't win, Lol!
I hate that she's stuck in the middle, but I begged her not to get into a griping session with her SIL, just to keep the peace, as it's not worth fighting over, so I offered to be the sue chef, and help with the meal prep, she not really that mad, just peaved over SIL fib. This particular DIL has always been a little trouble maker, but she's the Mother of my 2 Grandies, so I try to turn the other way to her shinnanigans. There's one in every croud! Lol!
Gotta have hubby at the airport at 3am, which is an hours drive away, so up at 1:30am, to get him there on time, so I doubt I'll even sleep until I get back, Uggg! I was the one who booked his flight, so I can't complain! I suppose he could take an Uber, but we're not modern like that yet.
It's a rain/snow/mix day here in the PNW, I so hope it doesn't turn into snow! I watched to enjoy these 5 days to myself!
Have a great Sunday Everyone!
Ground turkey
Package of boxed stuffing mix
Moisten the stuffing and mix it in the ground turkey, add an egg and roll into to balls. Bake until done. Make your mashed taters, jar of gravy and other sides to go with it. I’ll be working so this sounds simple and perfect for us.
sharyn - dd is so much better and I appreciate it very much. So glad the new dr is good and child oriented. It will lessen stress a lot for your dd. The turkey recipe sounds like a good compromise and very easy to make.
upset - rheumatoid arthritis must be tough. I am glad you are not getting many flare ups. The literature says that when you have CFS/FM, rest is your best friend and also pacing yourself. I used to be high energy and could push myself to do what I wanted to. I can't anymore. Breaking up with ex in the '90s was the trigger, but the susceptibility was laid years before. Now research is linking trauma (particularly emotional) in childhood with CFS and FM. The stress from childhood trauma, as we well know, comes with us into adulthood and is exacerbated by caregiving the abusive parent, and any stress in general. Hence, the need to take care of ourselves and reduce stress as much as possible. Meeting your caregiver's parents sounds like a nice idea.
stacey "Me" time coming up!!! You haven't had much of that for a long while. Don't overdo it prepping for the renos. You are wise not hosting any Thanksgiving meals. Too bad that sil is a troublemaker. But everyone will enjoy a meal at her place and at your dd's. Hope hub's time with his bro goes well and he doesn't get sucked into anything he will regret.
Checking with the bank tomorrow re the condo to see what kind of mortgage I qualify for. Feels a bit scary, but I know I need to move in that direction. R may yet get a job here, but there is nothing solid in the offing.
Got a call from the NH that a parcel from the Hearing Center arrived for mother. Should they open it? Ans:Yes, it is mother's left hearing aid. Open it and put it in her ear! Amazon emailed that the batteries had been delivered, so all that should be good for a while.
ali, glad, cm, duck, jessie, guest, trying, margeaux, and all - thinking of you.
Heart - haven't heard from you in a long time
Have a good one everyone - take care of you!
CM, its wonderful that the kids can get past the parents dysfunction. I am with you 100% about getting twisteds together. I let my son talk me into this severl times. Each time I wanted to yell at him "dont you get it". This last time I asked him if he has ever heard anything I have said about me and my sisters dynamics.
Also he was always getting the family together and it is wonderful. We bond have a good time. Give love and feel like an important part of something bigger. Only my sister and her two sons never show.....
I could just picture those young men carrying your mother up the stairs at son party. It even had me smiling from ear to ear.
Upset, Boy oh Boy!! oh Boy!!!, you are doing your thing!! Positively impacting lives. I really trully admire you and your cause. I am rooting for you in my heart and spirit.
Golden, I was reading earlier and again I must say I truly admire you. I have caught bits and pieces of your family ordeal and I look up to you. You give me hope. I see you and I think maybe I can get through all of this. I dont want to be bitter or turn ugly. You still shinning like a diamond through all that ugly stuff. Still beautiful and good in heart. Thanks for your encouragement. I know there is a bigger picture to be seen and that I need to step back. I just have moment of guilt and then I am so used to doing or fixing things trying to make things right. This whole thing is wrong in everyway and then again maybe its just right and I continue to detach and go up and down with it.
I have much love for you all.
This will be my first Thanksgiving away from my son. Since he was in college I just started going where he was and then he got married and had a family. I am going to miss them.
Holidays at my mother's house were me doing the shopping and cleaning and helping my mother cook. mostly sides. My sister coming bringing nothing , not helping to clean and leaving with dinner for her family for next day. I even used to make her a separate ham because she liked them so much.
The last Xmas I sat and watched everyone get gifts. I was an outsider, it hurt but seeing who my sister truly was made it better. The year before I told my nephew he was the only one in family that gave me a gift. The next year I got nothing from him. My other nephew left his gift under tree for about 6 weeks. I finally gave it away.
So this year my job as me to cover with a light incentive. Yah!! I am relieved of even entertaining the thought of preparing a meal for my mother that she probably wont eat or thinking of making dinner and inviting cousin and my mothers friend for dinner.
I love my client and I love to give her hugs and recieve them back. I will be where one little person in this town loves me back.
No cleaning Yah!!, no shopping YaY!! and no cooking Yahy!!!
Its sad to see that my sisters hate for me is hurting my mother. If I get her food or make it and my mother doesnt eat it my sister will let it sit there. Next day I have to stop my mother from eating something that is sour from day before. When I mentioned same to my sister her response is she didnt eat your food she had something else. There is no followup or monitoring with my sister. The other thing I notice is she doesnt like it when my mother responds nicely or with concern about me.
Today as I was leaving I gave her a bag of chocholate candies and she says thanksand did i eat. My sister was sitting there like she was settled in. In fact she was home a little earlier than usual. In one minute she was gone like the normal coversation between me and my mother just invalidated her mission.
Well I continue to pray for guidance and strentght and wisdom. I dont know what the true root of this and it is very ugly and will get worse. I am just hoping to be able to keep my head and guard my mind and spirit becuase there is a lot of ugly spiteful issues at play and I dont want to play into these things. I am trying to focus on me and take care of these things I have to deal with out side of my twister and mother. But the situation still lays heavy on my heart.
I got a new-to-me car (2010 4 door hatchback/compact: clean, low miles, and just the right kind of economy car for me right now) and that needed to be done and I managed to do it w/o borrowing any money which is no small feat as an unemployed person so very pleased about that.
The new apartment. My goodness. I am biting off a little more as I can but it is going to be a month yet before there aren't extra things & boxes everywhere, where it's still a double bookcase of random stuff on it, but at least the floor paths are cleared and things are in their new places. The difficulty is because of a mashup of a few things: I had a different life & lifestyle when I lived out west, and that's two full bedroom-household worth of stuff that went into storage and now came straight to new apartment. Now combining with past 6 years of living in 3 bedroom house (with enough closet space for individual linen closet, sundry closet, handbags & shoes closet, 2 clothes closets, 1 good size coat closet...), plus grandparents' things that I just can't bring myself to part with. Throw it all together in one cramped 1-bedroom apartment and I'm working to figure out where it's all going to go. BUT... I like this exercise in prioritizing my possessions, and this is something I need to do, to whittle things down to a manageable amount, only keeping things that are needed and relevant now, etc. It will be good to keep at it for awhile. And... it's good to have that mentality about it, and not feel it weighing on me like it was for first few weeks. It felt darn near impossible for a bit there. Now just feels like a lot of work that needs to be done and I'll be happy and proud of myself when it is done.
Three interviews last week. I didn't come away with any solid offers but I may get one yet. I also didn't even LIKE 2 of the positions and hope they don't offer me anything, haha. I feel ok. I have until the end of this year to find something that really works for me, and really... I could stretch it out longer if I really felt it was best. I'm ok and I have plenty of things to keep working at and selling off as needed. I'll get by. It's not ideal but it will work out. I think. I keep telling myself that I may fail but I haven't failed yet and so why don't I just keep working hard every day on things and if I do fail, I'll deal with it then.
I'm never going hungry. All is well. Perspective. I'm trying to keep my perspective.
I hope you guys are good. I read, just haven't had much to say or been too tired to say it. :-) (((((hugs)))))
Positive thinking, one day at a time and all the other cliches sound trite, but still are true. ((hugs))
Upset, the interviews were for a variety of things, but generally low-level sales positions. Thing is, I've rather made up my mind I want to do jewelry sales through the holiday season. It's that time of year where jewelry stores will hire temp help (I would think) and that would give me a chance to see if I'd enjoy that work as much as I think I would. I've never done jewelry sales but have been interested for many years. So then I'm interviewing "for practice" and also to see how people respond to me, offers, etc., but I really want to carve out time very soon to make a list of a dozen jewelry stores in nice shopping areas of Chicago, and go in and ask about seasonal work. It may not be a smart plan, I don't know. But I want to try that, hopefully by end of this week.
CW, both of my parents are hoarders, and I don't say that lightly. They are. Both of them. Full on hoarders. And when I came here to this house 6 years ago, my grandparents had kept so much STUFF (clothes from the 60s, bags of paper towel cardboard tubes, you name it) and it was everywhere. I've seen where this keeping of too many possessions goes to, and I don't like it. I now realize how much I was on a similar track before caregiving with my weekly shopping trips, with my collections of things that were growing larger all the time. My ex boyfriend did the same thing, just different categories (he had a couple hundred cookbooks and bought them weekly, but didn't read them, same for movies on CDs), so I didn't think much of my behavior. I've been reading Becoming Minimalist blog for a few years and it's changed the way I see *things.* Stuff is meant to be used; it isn't meant to use us and take up our time dealing with our stuff. So... I think I've changed for good, but at least for sure I've changed for now. I have a head full of thoughts about STUFF and what it can do to people who are continual consumers.
Book, thanks. :-) I admire you, too, for the same reason. And my gallows humor says "What choice do we have, really? Can't lay down and die, unfortunately, haha, so must keep moving."
I'm down at old house for a few hours, doing loads of laundry for linens that came out of storage. Local mechanic shop is giving my new car an oil change and thorough once over. I made the mistake of telling my mom that I was selling my old car and she wants to buy it from me. I don't care that she wants to buy it from me, I care that it will take her at least a week to figure out how she's going to come after it, and for the amount I want for it, I could've sold it quickly up here. Well. It's ok. I told her she MUST make a decision and get up here to get it within a few days. But... I just don't see that happening. I hope I'm wrong.
duck - take it easy and do what is good for you. Thx for the kind words. The diamond is very much in the rough sometimes. I am glad you are laying low.
ali - you are making progress. More and more I see that stuff is just stuff, but one does have some emotional attachment to it. I am still overwhelmed by the work needed to return my house to "normal" after the fire. Trying to keep perspective is a good thing. Don't let your mother cause you too much trouble over the car. Jewellery sales sounds like a good thing for you.
book - I agree - duck's sister is jealous and passive aggressive
cw - you described me - both moving mother and myself moving. It feels un-doable but I know it is doable.
sharyn - so glad your new pcp is good and kind. Ex uses vinegar for his acid reflux.You mentioned the flu a while back and I am over it, thank you.. Now to pace myself as there are lots of things to do.
The bank called and I am pre approved for what I want, and have info re choices of how to arrange that. The bank lady yesterday was hilarious. She thought that I was going to be a little old lady with a cane in need of a reverse mortgage of something like that Not so!!! She was the one with the grey hair in a bun.
The testing lab guy called and gave me an update on what they have done so far, and we discussed the next move which will cost me more money, but I said go ahead. It has to go to the university for those tests.I want to know if there is anything organic in that stuff I drank. There shouldn't be. I should see a lawyer soon as, at very least, I want the testing paid for.
The OT from the NH called and we had a long discussion about mother's interests and what they might do with her or engage her in. Music, her volunteer work in Haiti, certain TV shows are some things. It looks like they are trying. She asked mother if she wanted to go to the veteran's celebration to day, but m said she was in pain, so I need to follow up on that. I think the pain is slowly becoming more and more of an issue and from what I read it is under treated in dementia patients cf to non dementia patients..
Then I had to talk to R to update him on these things and get his feedback. He is making progress with his projects.
Finally a long call with dd about my exercise program and about mother who she saw yesterday. She felt mother was comfortable and seemed content there, though m did mention to dd that she would like more light. I will look into getting a couple of lamps and also see if there are other rooms which are brighter and if she could go on a waitlist for one. So, we may have one more move yet. Dd said each time she sees mother she has faded a bit more and this time she felt that she understood less and even much talk was tiring for her.
Need to get to the eye guy and get my new right lens ordered. I ordered some vegan protein power as I know need more protein, especially with exercising. Be aware that seniors need more protein than younger people!
Take care all!
Ali, good luck on the job front. Minimalist. I had so much stuff before the big move almost two years ago now. Downsized lots, but I can see I can still get rid of much more. I have beautiful Royal Doulton China, setting for 12 and sterling. Will I ever use it again? Who knows and my kids probably will not want it. Topic for discussion over the next couple of months.
Sharyn, good for you finding a doc you like. I need to do that, haven't seen a doc in years except when I had the flu early this year.
Duck, good to see you posting again. Detach, detach, detach sit back, catch your breath and wait, patiently. It is an exercise in fortitude.
Not much here. Ming is doing great. I now have a typical, healthy, energetic and playful kitten. Those first few days all she would do is lay in my lap. Doesn't last long now, she wants to chew on my hands or hair, anything.
Glad, your kitty is adorable! I love watching kitties play, they are so fun! It sounds like you are really enjoying Ming.
Golden, Glad you are feeling better. It sounds like your mom is comfortable in her new room. I hope a brighter becomes available soon.
Upset, hoping all the appts go well. It is a lot of appts for one day.
Book, you sound like you are feeling better, getting over the flu.
E doesn’t need his tonsils out so one less thing to set up for him. Today is my Friday and I’ll be happy to have 2 days off. All the usual aches are back from being on my feet at work. I’m only worked 6 hours each day (30 hours ), after not working for 4 months, I feel it!
Happy health everyone
glad - Royal Doulton and sterling - what to do with them??? Such a shame when family doesn't want them, but you have to respect their tastes. Good to hear that Ming is doing so well. How is the shedding?
upset - you will be through your many appointments by now, and trying to recover from the day. How are you doing? You have a lot of health issues and still manage to keep so busy! I don't know how you do it.
book - hope you are better soon
sharyn - such good news that E does not need his tonsils out. The poor little guy has enough to contend with. Get lots of rest on your days off. I remember when we went back to work at the college after having the summer off, everyone was exhausted and had sore feet and legs from walking on the concrete/tile floors.
Got in touch with a couple of realtors and will set up appointments for us to view places when I go down for mother's first care meeting - probably in early December.
Have to get myself set up with "Snow Angels" who shovel snow for seniors. There isn't much yet, but it is coming.
Muscle pain aches again today, but some meds took care of it. Thinking again it be worth getting referred to a rheumatologist who are the ones who deal with FM.
Have a good night everyone and be good to you.