notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Golden, Good that a condo may be in your future.
Went to my doctors today. My kidney disease is advancing. Dialysis is in my not too distant future. My doctor told me to start thinking about whether I want to have peritoneal or regular hemodialysis. I think I want to have regular 3 times a week hemodialysis. I've been reading about the way they do it in Australia and New Zealand. They do a much slower treatment than in the US, but not as hard on your body and most people live considerably longer. Cardio guy just adjusted meds. Rheumatologist said I needed to slow down. Ophthalmologist said I need to start treatment for my diabetic retinopathy and macular degeneration. I scheduled my first treatment for the week after Thanksgiving. As I said before I'm falling apart. I may need a caregiver.
I was glad to hear that my A1C is normal for I do have diabetes. She's the first doctor to ever actually look at my feet which are fine. I will see her in two months and may have some lab work done. For some reason my previous primary care doctor did not send the most recent lab work results in that were taken last month.
I've joined a wellness center that is connected to the hospital here and you must have the doctor's input that you are ok to exercise. My wife and I joined this month and I went to the place tonight.
My wife and I are busy getting settled in our new house while trying to get the old house ready to sell. We are hiring people to do work for us that either we can't do ourselves or that we need those with special skills for. I hope we make a good profit on the sale of the old house to help pay for all of these expenses.
Such a rough day for you to absorb so much - will you still be coming to SoCal for the honeymoon ?
Don't forget if you need any celebratory restaurant locations, I'll come up with a name or two for you
Cmag, glad to hear your dad is comfortable and doing well. Enjoy your new city/home.
I have to go back to my pcp next month so they can draw blood work ugh! Day off but will be busy.
Take care of your health everyone!
Best friend E and her mom were in car accident yesterday. E called me from scene with cops and EMT's called. Her '07 Nissan rear-ended at stoplight with rainy streets. It's trashed. I left work early about 15 minutes away and went to give them ride home. This is the friend with diabetes and 90 year old mom with heart issues (prior double bypass, not a good candidate for stents and with carotid blockage)....when I get there, Mom is sitting in car with no rear window and rain/wind blowing in. I put Mom in my car with heater running. E is on phone (I thought with insurance -turns out it was another friend about 200 miles away that she was calling for sympathy while I'm standing in rain outside her car door!). Tow truck finally shows up, E starts arguing with driver about how bad damage is. The car is full of junk and E has not emptied yet. E insists there is stuff she needs out of car but can't tell me what. E has diabetes and is not tracking well at this point. I grab bag out of back of my car and start dumping the piles on seat, floor, under front seats, etc into bag. Apple cores, food wrappers, and some paperwork that looked like medical receipts. Yikes. Tow driver leaves with car for storage yard. E loses his card with address, find in pit of her purse later. Then we took Mom to her heart doctor because now she is complaining her chest hurts (she declined transport with EMT's) and then to ER. During 3 hours at ER, I find out that there is not a current list of meds with E or Mom (there's one on computer at her home) and neither of them is sure of latest meds or dosage - meds include BP, heart, diuretic, etc. Ack. I finally prod nurse who asks for name of pharmacy they fill Mom's meds at (she called them). Mom is well after EKG, xray, blood work. I take them home. I empty the bags of trash out of my car, E complaining that stuff is wet. Yep, it's raining and we stood in rain to empty your car. During drive home, 200 mile friend calls back and the laments begin about E's terrible year and how no one has so bad. Mom is coughing in back seat. I have told husband that we can help them figure out what they are doing but we are not the driving answer going forward. E only had liability on over 10 year old car - even with other driver responsible, they are gonna total it out. Value blue book in perfect condition on her car (it's not in that) is maybe $2500. Oh, by the way, I've had 4 texts already this morning with list of things she needs ride to do. I will sort it out, but husband is not listening that I can't take over both people's management and son long distance and my two part time jobs. Glad I went back on anti anxiety meds!!!!!!!!
It's very very nice of you to help your friend in a crisis. I don't personally expect that level of crisis assistance to go on right into the foreseeable future, much as I love my friends, not if they're functioning adults.
Leaning on your best friends isn't a plan. When's she going to make a plan?
After trying numerous podiatrists, I found one we really like. Not only is she very professional, she's also very friendly and thorough. She's the first podiatrist we've had who always checks for a pedal pulse, who examines foot and leg skin integrity, and always asks about any recent health changes.
As Dad described the former doctors, they're essentially like: "they come in, say hello, snip, snip, snip, oh, sorry for cutting your skin, snip, snip some more, put a little bandaid on the cut, then 'see you in a few months'." Not exactly a paradigm for good office chairside manners.
She's a role model for what a podiatrist should be. I'd like to clone her and create a new PCP out of her style!
Guest, I almost became nervous myself as I read your post. I even started shivering as I thought of the mother sitting in the crashed car with rain and wind blowing in on her.
I completely agree with your and CM's assessment. Your friend needs some help, but can't rely on you.
What you can do is help her make a plan, but she'll have to implement it. And from what you write, I suspect even that will be difficult.
In her support though, if I were in the car accident situation, I might not be thinking very clearly. It sounds like the weather was bad, her mom should have been moved by the police to their car to keep her warm, she was upset if not frantic, and people don't always think clearly in those conditions.
The junk (including food) in the car makes me wonder if she too is stressed not only by her medical condition but from caring for her mom, compounded by the accident and the anxiety of how to get around. It sounds like she's overwhelmed and isn't keeping up with things.
As to transportation, are you in an area with a major public transit company that can provide small bus a/k/a paratransit a/k/a point- to-point services? In my area it's only a few dollars one way, but it is limited to (if I remember correctly) 10 miles from the home to the destination).
If your husband thinks you can take over a larger responsibility for your friend and her mother, perhaps asking him what he'll do and what rides he'll provide might be a jolt back to reality.
It's nice that others may think we're Wonder Women, but they're not providing the energy to be one.
And I love your comment about Denial! That's so clever!
Sorry Guest and Glad.
The brutal truth is that we live in red state where you don't always get good care in facility. Our county is one of those with long waiting lists for Medicaid Waivers; most of the semi affordable facilities are too expensive for E or her Mom, and she can't keep her house without Mom's income. They make too much money as household together to qualify for our city's utility/property tax besides over 65/yard maintenance/home health programs. Neither of them want to go to senior center for adult day care or meals because "it's all old people". And Meals on Wheels, ewwww. I've been trying to get one or both qualified for the transit pass, but E got on the wrong side of the case worker in a phone interview. So I'm trying to help in cleaning up her "I'll never use your service ever in a million years" mess. Part of the problem is that E and Mom don't see a reason to pay when they've got me and my husband. They are not bad - truly - they've both been there for me, my son, and my husband over the years. But Boundaries is NOW my middle name, ya know. I agree that E is overwhelmed, and being a narcissist she is desperately trying to fill in the gaps that not having a husband, children, or siblings to assist in Mom's or her own care involve. E has no retirement savings. Their only vehicle is probably totaled. So I'm trying to help them stay afloat while organizing as best I can without going down with the ship. I'm trying to make this a tipping point to trigger getting paperwork filled out so I can help guide them a path that will allow for help later greater than we can provide. It's an object lesson - a frail elder is only one crisis away from disaster. Helping without enabling is its own challenge:)
Is there a special program in your state, and what's the name of it? I'd like to see if we have anything similar in Michigan.
As to "The Dilemma", I think you're already doing more than most people would. And you probably know that your friend has become reliant on you and probably won't become more self reliant without some withdrawal of your assistance. Tough to do for a best friend. But sometimes you have to take away the training wheels so a child can learn to ride by him/herself.
Just set your own boundaries, reach that point and indicate that you just can't do any more. And since we're all familiar with therapeutic fibbing, maybe infer or come right out and say that your own health is being compromised. And, actually, perhaps it is. Worrying takes its toll, as does missing 3 days of pay.
For many months my husband has been hearing about this kick butt drag boat that he's had out racing on the river there, but it's nothing but a plywood shell, and is no where near being water ready, has never been in the water, has no motor, no skin (fiberglass) no gages, lights or wiring even, so Everything his brother says is an inflated LIE!
Brother has made all sorts of excuses as to why he can't spend any time with him these pasts few days, ie: Dr's appointments, errands, car repairs, so essentially, my husband has been sitting around in his hotel room these past 3 days, all alone. It's so sad, and I'm pizzed, as all I've heard (from BIL) is how excited he was to see his Brother after 13 years!
Hubby knew it was going to be this exact scene, so he is not surprised. I've told him it's a very expensive postage stamp, delivering his Inheritance in person, but hubby said he HAD TO do it this way, to see it all himself in person, as Bb has been saying for so long that he has changed, that he's not longer "that person", that Con Man, that Liar, but none of it is true. He hasn't changed, in fact hubby says he is the same, but that he's let himself go, and looks like a disheveled bum. Once a good looking Con Man, now a burnt out old Con Man.
He has always chosen these small towns to live in, so he could find a girl who would work to support him, while he Cons others out of their money, usually a construction job under the table, which he bungs up, and as soon as he has enough people in the town are pizzed off at him, he blows out, usually leaving the girl there, and moves on to greener pastures. He's a Parasite!
Hubby has called me several times a day, just wishing he could get on a plane and come home, but he's just gonna hang in there until Friday, when he's scheduled to leave anyways. Hubby still has not even met his wife, nor been invited out for dinner or anything, it's so strange!
On the morning of day 2 there, Bb called hubby in his hotel room asked hubby if he could sign over the cashiers check (his $1000 dollar inheritance check), to hubby to cash it for him, because he doesn't have a checking account! Hubby didn't jump on that opportunity! Hubby doubts he has a drivers license, or insurance either, and is scared to even get in a car with him, his car is another story! Uggg, Another Lie!
Hubby has been hearing for a long time now, that his brother also has this RV, that he is "restoring" (he's Always Restoring Something that is going to be Amazing, but Never materializes into Anything!), but hubby thinks that his brother has spent the last few days scrambling around to cash his check, and then went out and bought this hulk of an RV, that was also parked outside of his storage facility, that was packed to the gills with junk.
Hubby says the "RV" has a 4x4 hole cut into the roof, and smashed front window, rotten tires, hasn't been licensed since 2006, and is completely filthy and gutted inside. It doesn't drive, so there's something wrong with the engine. Bb says it's gonna be his "Winter" project, as he intends to fix it up, and winter in it in the PNW, with his wife, during the hot summers of Arizona. Ummmm, not gonna be parking it outside My home, but that is the hints that my husband has been getting from him. Bb says that hubby doesn't see his vision, and hubby agreed, he doesn't, Lol! He's Pathological!
Hubby says the whole scene down there is Skeeezy, and he can't wait to get out of there!
Just in: this mornings phone call from his brother and he's supposedly got another Dr's appointment (that's 3 days in a row now) and some "other things to do, but that he's invited my husband to meet his wife and have dinner at their motel room. His wife manages a Motel accross the river in Bullhead City Arizona. I looked up this Motel, and it's not the Nicest please on the strip. The reviews are full of negative comments, like prostitutes, drug deals, broken air conditioners, TV's, cock roaches and filth, so you can just imagine how my very picky eater, germaphobic husband is going to deal with that, plus he's invited my husband early, before his wife is due to arrive home, as my hubby expects he's going to try to "prep" him, so he doesn't reveal any "secrets", in front of his wife. It's been this way his whole life, he cannot bring one of his GF's or one of his 9 or 10 wives around the family, for fear one of us might say something that doesn't jive with the many lies he's told them over their time together.
Hubby doesn't want to go over there, and so has invited them out to dinner instead, so we will see how this plays out.
I've told hubby to go down into the Casino hotel he's staying at, have breakfast and play the slots for a while, but he's just not into it, he just wants to have this whole Nightmare Over! Stay tuned!
And you, how are you doing these days?
I've enjoyed my time away from hubby this week, visiting with my sisters, dinners out, and yesterday had lunch with all 5 siblings at a restaurant in Edmonds Washington, and sweet little seaside town about 5 minutes from our home. It's not often that all 6 of us site down to a meal together, we are all so busy, so we made plans for a holiday get together in December at my younger brothers house. My oldest cousin and eldest brothers wife were there too! We're a close family, and so so different from my poor husband and his siblings, to say the least! Lol!
Poor hubby, he can't wait to get home, and yes, we will be celebrating, as he spent his birthday alone, watching oldies TV in his hotel room on Tuesday. There is little "good TV" available there, waaa!
My husband says that it like is brother is not "all there", that he may even have some sort of early onset dementia or something, as something is not right with him, but he can't put his finger on it. It's definitely not what I expected would be the scene, after hearing hoe excited he was to have his brother visit after so long, I at least thought he would put in some effort to have fun together, but No!
I thought that perhaps his brother wasn't happy with his Inheritance, but what did he expect, after not seeing his Father in so many years? They were like strangers, even long before he came to live with us, as he rarely visited his parents even back then!
The fact that he took advantage of his parents financially so many times throughout his life, and now he's disappointed? He didn't even bother to communicate, nor visit him in the 13 years he lived with us, or bother to try to come visit him while he was dying, pretty much sums up their relationship, so he shouldn't be surprised at the low figure inheritance check!
That Bb doesn't even have checking account at the age of 63 is a bit weird IMO, as what sort of person doesn't have a checking account? A Dead Beat, that's who! Hubby told him to open a checking account with his check, but for some reason, that didn't make sense to him, ummmm Duh!
The whole situation is off putting, and my husband spent 500 plus dollars to go and visit him, but now he knows, nothing has changed, and his brother is still the parasite he's always been! Mainly, my husband went there to preempt him from showing up on our doorstep, and I hope he's successful! I don't want him around my kids and Grandies, Period! He's hurt and alienated his own 3 kids, and I don't want him hurting mine! He's a bad guy, not to be trusted, and will never change! I'm glad my husband got to see it all for himself. The fact that he wouldn't even make time for him upsets me, but hubby is fine with it, the less time, the better, in his opinion!
I just can't wait till he's home, and all this is behind him. And experience experience he won't even repeat again!
She needs to change her attitude. Before it’s too late. Some people only get it after a major incident. Obviously, your friend is not one of those... Some get it when they get a major health issues. Obviously, your friend is not one of those...
I have a business acquaintance. He was diagnosed with diabetes. He was the fun of the business luncheons and dinners. None of knew he was diabetic because he didn’t eat like one. He was like us - stack that dinner plate with variety of food, etc... Then he was hospitalized. He’s now blind. His wife’s friends are holding a fundraiser to help pay for his ticket to Hawaii for surgery to save his eyesight. We were all shocked. He knew he had diabetes and refused to change his behavior....
Do what you can for your friend within what you’re willing to give. I’m so glad that you understand the need for boundaries because between hubby, friends and your conscience - it’s going to be a constant battle. Yep, I understand why you need your anxiety pills... {{{{Hugs}}}
Ms Madge, Not going to So Cal Thanksgiving. My DIL is going to WV to take a turn caring for her father. He has advanced cancer. My son and kids are going so they can visit with their "Papa". We'll get there to visit later. PJ and I are going to Montreal to visit friends for a few days.
It's nice that you have stepped up to help, but there is only so much you can do to help, especially when you've tried so many times in the past to suggest them being prepared for when these things happen, and they Do, for all of us!
There Is only so much you can do, and then you have to put up boundries and let them flounder, in order to learn these lessons on their own, it's especially sad when they have an elderly to look out for!
You are a good friend, but don't get Sucked into more than you can handle, especially when it impacts your own finances, and losing work over it. She will hopefully learn from this experience, and get more organized, Maybe!
Update: hubby just called to say his brother called him, and said that he's "stuck" in his Dr's office, waiting for them to figure out his EKG, WHAT? He's supposedly having Major Aortic Aneurysm surgery on Monday, he's "supposedly had 4 Dr's appointments this week, all used as excuses Not to get together with my hubby while he's there visiting, although he did admit that this was the Only Dr's appointment that he actually has had, so hubby continues to sit around and wait for him, Sheesh!
It's just one excuse after another, so hubby said to forget about dinner tonight, and meeting his wife (he's been there 4 days now, and leaves tomorrow), and said to tell her that he's leaving tonight instead, that "I'M OUT, you no longer need to come up with excuses as to why you don't want to spend time with me". Brother said he doesn't want to LIE TO his wife, and hubby just said, "Ya Right", and left it at that, Lol! Bb was stymied, and didn't know how to respond to that! Lol!
Hubby is now Pizzed Off, and is past his level of tolerance, and that's not a good place to be! Bb would be right to just leave him alone, and not push him to get together again, as hubby has too much "ammunition" on his brother if he were inclined to battle with him. He got what he wanted, the Check, the writing is on the wall, and he just wants to be OUT OF THERE! That was the final straw, and I don't see there Ever being a relationship with his brother from here out. I expect he will now come up with a way to get together tonight with my husband, as he won't want to burn any bridges, and now knows my husband is PO'd, but hubby has had it, and will now come up with his own excuses to avoid him (them). Now, I will probably start getting phone calls from Bb or his wife, as to why my husband is angry, and hear his reasons for actions he has taken during this trip. Hubby says not to answer the phone to them, and I probably won't, I don't need the aggravation! Put a Fork in It, hubby has seen to his obligations! It's Over!
I told hubby he should get together one last time, if brother puts in the effort, as he wouldn't want to feel bad If something were to go wrong with his "supposed" surgery, but that's just it, you never know if he is telling the truth or not, as 80% of what he says is a Lie! I don't know what hubby will do at this point. Tune in later for the Grand Finale of, AS THE STOMACH TURNS!
Stacey, so sorry your hubby has been dealing with all this the last 4 days. I don’t blame him for coming home. It’s like a merry go round with his brother except it’s not merry!
Hang in there, Guest and Stacey.
madge thinking of you and your mum and hope you both are getting through this reasonably well
sharyn - blood suckers. I guess they need to do it once in a while
guest -what a mess! You might be inclined to say that lack of planning on your part (E) does not constitute a crisis for me, but then she has planned. and you are it. Oh no! Nada. Nyet. Never. I couldn't possibly do that. She has helped you in the past but that is not a prescription for you to take on what she needs now. There is a limit and there comes a time to establish it and I think you are there. Ex agreed to a property settlement which was very much in my favour, (he was pretty desperate for any settlement by then) and I determined that I would help him as I could if need be - up to a certain point. I had a figure in mind, and I did help him. But then point came when I had to tell him that I was not his "go to" person any more and he had to find other resources, and he did, and we remained friends. Once in a while he still checks me out and I remember that I owe him nothing and do what little I can to point him in a good direction to solve his problems. It is very kind of you to help her but you cannot take on too much such as a permanent role as driver. It will only escalate from there. Sounds like she needs medical help to get to a point where she can help herself and her mother. Don't enable! Trying to get people to do what they "should" do, in your eyes, is not always successful\ even if your suggestions are very sound.
cm - exactly - what is her alternate plan? I think it is time for agencies.
GA - your podiatrist sounds awesome!
bb -good point Hours waiting is the last thing the mother needed
nature - I agree that E needs an evaluation and follow up treatment