The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I don't know if it's better to cry or not cry. I truly don't know and maybe the answer is "it depends." For a long time - I don't know how long - I did notice that I didn't cry very much, even in situations where I felt like I should. I was probably a little numb, and I was medicated to some degree, too. And now lately it's like floodgates have opened and I just want to cry, cry, cry, cry, cry... and I don't know if that's silly and self indulgent and also self destructive, so I hold back the tears. Mostly. There would never be an end to crying about "it's so unfair"... lol... and I know you guys get that, and thank you. It certainly isn't fair lol. Nothing about giving to a situation that hurts you, that wasn't your doing, isn't your "fault" is fair. And... it touches on my worst emotional sore spot because my dad has ALWAYS been a hurtful presence in my life and to STILL be dealing with it... ayiyiyi. When does it end? Does it end? Some of you have posted about this very thing and I think it varies for each of us, of course, but clearly if you are triggered by something new, it brings up the history of hurt, too. Yeah, it's the very definition of PTSD, as best as I know. I don't know how long I let these really horrible feelings continue, and see if they level off, or if I do something about it. And would that something be, exactly? I'm not sure right now. I'm doing what I know to do:  get out of the house and try to live my life, one day at a time.

Ali, while it may seem self indulgent, a good cry for a day or two, can be very helpful, healing.

Ali, hugs. You are right, coping by just going forward is sometimes all we can do. Be careful about elder sales, your kind ethical heart would shrivel. Guys are fixers, they are wired that way most of them. Even if you can’t do it now they will push solution. You are grieving, situation with Trust just prolonging. 2017 has been an a$$kicker of a year. But we are here with each other, that matters.

Ali, Cry, rant, rave! Do it for yourself. Sharyn is absolutely correct sometimes a good cry is worthwhile.

Upset, sometimes I feel I am reading "Of Human Bondage" when I read about your cousin or that side of the family lol.

Kellse, Fortunately, they're not the majority. My cousin with her remarks and behavior probably has caused all ties with her and her children to be severed. My Mom came from a large family. The vast majority of my first cousins are all nice people who work and have nice families. Unfortunately for me I had a bad brother.

Hi everyone,

It’s been a busy week, getting open enrollment submitted, split days off, seeing our dd and family off at the airport yesterday. It will be an interesting 10 days as we have dd’s dog. Twice the puppy shenanigans going on here. Buster graduated from puppy training today. He will start intermediate training in January.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving as I will have Wednesday and Thursday off with just hubby and me, a quiet simple holiday.

Work is good but not very busy, we live in a small city of only 16,000. Time tends to drag on some days.

Have a good weekend, we have sun today with a high of 48, a little chilly in the wind.

Sharyn, I'd rather have puppy shenanigans than people shenanigans.

I've spent the day in airports. Just boarded the last leg of our flight. Should arrive in CA in about 3 hours. Kids have been really good.

Upset, I had to reread your comment about what your cousin said after the funeral at the restaurant. The gall of her! To actually stand up and Complain how stingy/tight-fisted aunty was on the funeral expenses And the restaurant! I couldn’t believe it and actually smiled was when other aunty got up, and without warning slapped her (the best part to me)... I hope your Aunty, who’s in serious health condition, rallies and survives the heart attack. Poor woman.

Upset, I would too. At least puppy shenanigans is mostly cute and funny. Enjoy my home state during your Thanksgiving holiday!

Bookluvr, My aunt who had the heart attack is doing well. My aunt who slapped my cousin is enjoying her moment. Most family members said it was the highlight of their day and they thought my cousin deserved it.

Upset, I said it was "Jerry Springer" type stuff, but really, it's more daytime drama. The villain gets a well deserved slap. I appreciate what you said about your mom coming from a large family, and some of that family are very nice people. The baddies are just so very bad, they can take up most of the air in a room, cause things to be unpleasant for everyone else at times. Glad to hear the aunt is doing well after heart attack.

Sharyn, nice to get an update on how you're adjusting to "new" town. It sounds nice, but I can understand why things might feel slow on some days. Thanks for your advice about crying. I don't like feeling sad, of course, but if it would help to get the stress out, to have a cry and move on... worth a try right now. Puppies sound fun!

Guest, thanks for hugs and input, much appreciated. These 2 guys the past week are a little bonkers, imo. I understand the desire to fix but... when I've just met them and they're wanting me to move in, telling me about their millions of dollars they are going to make... yikes. Just weird. I guess they think that's what I want to hear, but "slow and steady" is much more appealing to me than "instant relationship." I'm just surprised they would say things like that at our age. Do they really think it works like that, or that's what I want to hear, that's what I'm impressed by?? That I would go, "Sure thing! I know it's our first date and I don't know you at all, but let me plan a future with you." -__- I'm not flattered by it because I'm sure they've said same thing to last 5 women they've been on dates with. Just odd to me.  

I suppose there is sometimes a reason why single men are still single lol. 

It's 6:30pm and I'm in bed and very happy to be here. Fingers crossed that plenty of rest will set me mostly right. I'll finish my ride share application tomorrow. Just went and passed my inspection, woo hoo.

Made it to CA. It was 27 F when I left ME. 68 here. I'm fighting sleep. Been up since 5:00 am EST. 5:30 PST in CA. I hate the time change. Good to see my son and grandchildren. Everyone have a nice weekend.

FIL called .. list of medical problems,, where is hubs ( avoiding this phone call..LOL ) what are we doing for Thanksgiving? I am working.. hubs is ..uhhh taking out the trash. What are you doing for Tgiving? OH bil and sil are going to their daughters ( I know he is invited) He says he is looking for another place to go! Oh well,, I am working! If he wants to come on Wed he is welcome.. but not Thursday! Then I said I would have hubs call him back (hubs is hiding in garage) He is no dummy( either of them ) he says "well maybe he will". Yep,, all I can do is tell him you called. Monkey in the middle here! I just get tired of being the bad guy who doesent "make" hubs call back ( and I have also "lost the copy of the will".. etc) This gets old!

To Upsetsister: Wow, that funeral must have been really wild ! My dream is to get the chance to see California, and I am determined to see the Pacific Ocean before I am too old to travel. I have a third Cousin near Sacramento, CA, and my Husband has a 1st Cousin in L.A. My Husband also lived in Oakland for one year, in 1970, just for fun, and for the freedom to be away from his Parents. I guess it was much easier, plus cheaper, to move around back then. When my Husband was growing up, his Parents traveled a lot, and they usually went on vacation. He also went to a very good summer camp in Maine - Camp Manitou (outside of Waterville) for many summers and he loved it there. When I was growing up my Parents did not travel or ever go on vacation, since my Mother would not fly. I would ask my Mother if I could go to summer camp with my friends, but she said No - every year - and said that she did not believe in summer camp. My Brother and I spent our summers sitting on our front steps or playing in our backyard, there was nothing wrong with that, but sometimes we would get bored. My Father was a Veteran of WW2, and I suspect that he had PTSD, which was never discussed or ever diagnosed. He was always very nervous, and later in life he was a Hypochondriac and a big Hoarder. He never learned how to drive a car, he was too paranoid. My Mother did not get her Driver's License until she was 45 years old, and then she bought herself a car, but other than going to visit relatives, we never really went anywhere. As for the latest news on Mom and Thanksgiving: My Mother has 3 Granddaughters (my kids - ages 44, 41, and 35) and 2 Grandsons (my Brother's sons - ages 33 and 31) and 3 Great Granddaughters (my Grandkids) and one Great Grandson (my Brother's Grandson) who is the son of my Mother's favorite Grandson. So, her oldest Grandson is her favorite of all her Grandchildren. So, I just found out that my Mother's favorite Grandson, his Wife, and their one year Son will be going to visit another relative, and will not be going to my Mother's house until late on Thanksgiving Day. My Brother (who will not eat turkey) wants to have fish for Thanksgiving. Well, my Brother never took her food shopping this weekend either, so she could not get a turkey anyway. Of course, I am feeling really bad that my Mother can't have all the relatives that she wanted and she won't have the big Thanksgiving dinner that she planned on having. But, at the same time, I am SO relieved that we do not have to do all that driving, and my Husband can't see at night anyway. We will be going to our youngest Daughter's house, which is a very short and easy drive. I do realize that my Mother thinks that my Husband and I are still in our 30's and that we can drive everywhere like we used to. I know that is difficult for her, and heartbreaking too, to face all of these changes. Yesterday, my Husband and I helped my Mother with some of her shopping - she agreed to let us buy some Birthday gifts - on-line - for her Great Grandson. I told her how much easier it is to shop this way. At least we got that done for her. Well, that's it for today. Thanks All.

East, I hope you have a good Thanksgiving. It's so hard to balance everyone's needs. We're here in CA and are planning to take grandchildren to Disneyland. But, our plans have had some small changes. My DIL got a call from her Mom in WV. Her Dad has endstage lung cancer and has gotten worse. So she left this afternoon to go to WV to be with her family. So we won't be seeing her. It's always something.

I would love to have a video of my 91-yr-old aunt slapping my cousin.

Weather is so nice here 72.

pamz, in FIL's defense, I know how it feels to have nowhere to go. My daughters are going out of town, son, well he and his wife, don't often invite ANYONE to their place. I was fortunate to be invited two years ago. Last year was fun, kids all made gingerbread houses using graham crackers. That was the year that I had just finished caregiving. Now I am so often forgotten, so a quiet home alone for me. May just call and see if they need volunteers for the community dinner. But, introvert me. Pardon my pity party.

upset - glad your aunt is doing well, and that you and pj made it to Disneyland and are having some fun with grands.. Your cousins are unbelievable. The slap sounds warranted if a slap ever is. Also glad you have some good family. They never get as much press as the bad ones. Sorry about your dil's father

ali - yeah, guys are fixers. Too much, too soon! Take your time with the other stuff and cry all you want. it helps. I hear you that it is difficult doing the mental work of sorting for tossing, but the rewards are great. I need to do a whole lot more.

sharyn - good to get the open enrollment done. Have a nice quiet Thanksgiving and have fun with the dogs! I would love 48, even with a wind.10 here and a snow warning, lots having fallen already.

kellse - lol I have been thinking of novels set in the south too.

oh pamz!!! - fil at it again. "poor me"" stuff.

book (((((hugs))))

east - hope you make those trips one day. Too bad you were not able to go to camp as a kid. Your mother will survive Thanksgiving. One constant of life is that it changes. We all have to adapt to them. I am glad your mum has agreed to some on line shopping. It is so much easier.

glad - sorry you are alone during the holidays. Volunteering sounds good if you have the energy. Being alone is the norm for me now and it is OK.

noticing the margeaux is gone again and jessie hasn't be around. I hope they are ok.

(((((((hugs))))) to all.

Well, modifying my plan again. Thinking now that buying a larger condo would work for a permanent residence. There are pros and cons for single family housing vs condos and the pros may work more in my favour at my age. R, on the other hand, is an outdoors, live in the country type of guy and probably has quite a few more years he can do that. So, the thought occurred to me, that the condo is good for me now, and him as he ages down the road, but he needs an acreage or something. I looked around real estate and there are some nice small acreages as recreational properties near the many little lakes in the area. and affordable, as the condo is not as expensive as a house. So that way we could have the benefits of both. He could build a storage shed, store his equipment, have a workshop, park trailers and his large truck, plant a garden if he wanted to - whatever! I would enjoy to go out and be in the bush and to fish and possibly canoe in a nearby lake. If he wants to tent out there sometimes - great! Hmmm!!!!

Interesting happening yesterday - I submitted an online form for snow angels to come out and shovel. They said it would take a couple of weeks. Very shortly thereafter, a lady knocked on the door and asked me if I wanted her to shovel my driveway. I asked her if she was from snow angels. She said no and that she just lived around the corner and she and her two boys were looking to make a little money for Christmas. I asked how much "$20.00 was the answer so I said yes. She gave me a pamphlet with her name and number on it for future jobs, and I saw she owns a fly in sport fishing lodge. We chatted and long story short she said she could offer R a job guiding. They did a good job on the snow (I must call them again for tomorrow). I asked if they wanted the bar frig I had in the kitchen, which was waiting to be disposed of .One of the lads took it, and I expect I can pay them to chop some firewood for me and do other odd jobs. Woo Hoo! I wonder if she does windows??? Looking good!
On the other hand I am panicking a little about all the work that has to be done to get this house ready for sale, but it has to happen sometime. Deep breaths!!!

I will be ok, not the first time alone on the holiday. So much easier when the kids were young, no spouses, no children. And ex and I always included both mom's as both were single. Just strange. I will adjust. It is still so new.

Glad
I'll be thanksgiving ing alone as well

So happy to break bread in cyber space with you

No idea if mom will still be in the SNF or back at hoca this week but
I'll be grateful just have to have a day off work

I ordered a DVD of the first season of better things - an Fx comedy - someone recommended here on A/C - and plan to watch or go see that Frances McDormand (Fargo) movie 

Was going to join bro and his family at a restaurant for dinner but he had a freakish accident and is in a rehab facility himself now

My niece and nephew don't even go visit him so I'm sure they won't want to go to dinner and I don't feel like picking up the tab just to go out

In fact I'm out by myself now at my favorite Mexican restaurant
Family owned and waiter asked about mom

Anyway, teusen takk

glad - you will adjust You have had so many changes in the past few years. Kudos to you for coping with it all

Oh madge - all these things happening around you. You and the Viking are real troupers! Enjoy the Mexican and Fargo et all.

vær så god

Ali, I can feel you frustration. I wish I new something that could make things right offer unwanted advice :). Hang in there. I just know the feeling of doing all you can and getting a back or dismissal.

Upset, amazing. Deadbeats are very delusional. I see that is what my sister is about just know the lights are really on. I realize now that when she moved into my mothers her lifestyle changed slightly and she got very pompous. that's where the "I gots (yes) money came from. Her entire manipulation of me and my life was to her benifit. She used me. Years ago when I told her so and that she had her sons use me to. She said let them use you. YOu had the money you were supposed to. I am feeling a little victory hearing you say no to the freeloaders and users aka deadbeats. I also realize that to be that way one has to be delusional to live with oneself.

Guest, I thank you so much to say I matter, to remind me of that. I live a life of a front knowing or feeling I dont matter and never did in my family when knowing all along it was me keeping and holding the family and enforcing the love. I look at my sister and i see my mother but from a different perspective. I am seeing how my mother operated an manifpulated. I saw it just didnt want to believe it. dont know how I pulled that off on myself. I guess I am delusional too.

I came to tears yesterday. My pain and hurt has made me want to show love to all. I know what its like to dont matter and have my heart do a roller coaster to my stomach. It happened a lot when I was growing up. Whenever someone treats me with just plain decency it makes me happy. The wrong people will use it to their beneifit which is why I dont mind being alone. but anyways I will babble. There are men who sit around this spot I pass regularly and women. Alcoholics the spot is near a liquor store which I go to reguarly. This one man is very handsome but beat and I have a lot of juice and bread and milk my mother doesnt eat from the meals and asked him if he had grands that could use. So I drop between him and this little girl on block, so I saw him the other day Its cold and I dont see him. So he had these large bundles of beer cans wrapped around a cart. We talk. I joked its a lot of beer he drinking he says the people save them for him its once a week. He says it means a lot like those packages I give him. Then asked my why was he telling me his business. Then did I need a dollar. He had some change. I told him anything I can do to show love or care I do because I know what its like to feel that darkness and betrayal and the kind gestures I received in my life gave me hope and faith that there is love. Thank you Guest. Because coming on board here you see all that love that people have on board here and how they conquered or address their pain. The goodness, and to read about these crazy ugly things people do help put things in perspective for me and reinfoerce or remind me that these things are similar just remodeled way of my own manipulation from my family. Yikes!
Golden I saw a post directed to you. I hope all is well with you and your mother. You and a few others give me a very special inspiration and motivation.

Happy Holidays to you all. This is a beautiful family and forgive me if I dint mention specific names. I am not on reualarly and I get names and situations mixed up.
Upset doing her thing with the mentoring and counseling. God bless and God Speed. Sharyn I hope your honeymoon never ends. Cm hope you are fine. And Margeaux keep spreading peace. All of you are so beautiful and mean a lot even if I dont post daily.

Tis the season for depression. Its hard for me. I mourn the loss of these holidays with waht used to be family. Not just my immediate but people like my uncle spencer who i thing was an old ganster boot legger :). I get dressed up for holidays because of him and others, I would pick him up and he would be dressed to the nines. And I had better have his pecan cheese cake (philidelphia cheese recipe) ready to go home. LOL I hope you all keep your spirits up. And hold on to the things you love and that love you back. Its a lot of work but its sure worth it for the loved ones, true family.
Ps. My aunt Mattie was married to unlce spence. she was a seamstress. my mother shoved some bags in my room one day when I opend door. I just saw an old kids shirt aunt mattie made for her dolls. its junk wont fit a child but I couldnt throw it away @#$:)

Rays of Peace and Love to all.

Upset, my mouth dropped when I read about this speech. The nerve!! whew. I bet that was a good strong slapp too. Seems to ave been well deservded. I am glad aunt is well. Hi Bookluvr, its nice to see you, been a while I hope all is well.
Sharyn, puppy training school, wow!! That must be great and busy.
I wonder how the siamese kitten is coming along.

Duck the siamese kitten is doing great. I have a shadow, if I get up she has to come with me. It is 5 am she wants to play and learn to use my tablet evidently. I.keep putting her back on the floor, she keeps jumping back up again.

Waiting for Georgia Dome to implode. Maybe that will scare Ming back under the bed. There it went, what a cloud of dust!

Gotta share the latest on the E and Mom front. Long, but the dysfunctional funny. I maintain the boundaries to help the 90 year old Mom as E has still not gotten alternate transport. In their defense, Mom doesn't qualify for the Handi-Ride after E's run in with case manager. I'm working that one for 90 year old benefit. As I told husband over the weekend, you can pretty well predict what people are gonna do once you've known them for almost 40 years. I told him my example shows it can be done with loving limits despite the manipulating efforts.
Thursday we had a turkey dinner at my work with potluck sides; we do this every year. I invited E and her mom to come - told them I'd pick them up. I brought extra to work to cover for them and the guys don't care. I get a text at 1:30 (meal set for 1) that E overslept and they wouldn't have been able to bring anyway. Ok, despite my telling them I'd cover. The waif text continued to say that Mom was so sad missing the turkey dinner, and so sorry that they missed it, oh, and were there any leftovers that maybe I could do up a plate and bring by? BTW, in a garage full of mechanics and customers, as soon as the meal hit table, they ate. Anything not eaten was packaged by donors and taken away by others. So, that would be a no. I texted that sorry they missed it and no leftovers. Silence.
My afternoon job canceled shift on Friday. I had offered to take E to the police dept to get accident report for her car to follow up on insurance. Please note the waif E at accident scene didn't get other driver name or insurance info- she told me that officer did. So of course her insurance has now been waiting 10 days because they can't follow up with no info. And funny thing the other driver's company never called, if it even exists.
The following is example to all my friends that you can maintain boundaries with narcissist. It's a constant battle, but!
I set aside 2 hours for E Friday. E doesn't need police report-her insurance finally got for her. Can we do grocery run? Only a few items. Sure. When they get in my car, can we do bank too? Sure. Get to grocery store, I drop at front door and park. No, I'm not walking through store with you to visit. I've got business by phone and will get you at door when done. 50 minutes later, the 90 year old is at front door. Pharmacy pickup next door. So I load groceries and 90 year old mom in car and wait. Fire lane, but E left phone with her mom. No phone or purse on E. When E finally gets to car, I drive them home - 10 minutes short of the deadline I set. I unload car as E can't find keys to open house, then worries about dogs. I put the bags in the back room on table and got ready to leave. What, no visit? No, I've got some other things to do. Told you I had 2 hours. But, but, I thought that was in addition to grocery. And bank. And pharmacy. Nope. Not mean, just efficient. It Can Be Done.

Guest, Good for you! Boundaries are the best thing you can have with a narcissist.