The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I have been the caregiver of my father for about a year now. It started when my mother was hospitalized last June. I would drive 75 miles round trip to visit her in the hospital and then go take care of my father by bringing him or making him dinner every day. My father was having some medical issues of his own which put him in the hospital for 3 weeks and then a rehab center where my mom was at after her hospital stay. My mom passed last February and that’s when I had to start caregiving to my father basically full time. Right after my mom passed my brother who lives 800 miles away went to court to get guardianship of my father. In the last 20 years my brother may have seen my parents 5 times total. My father who has a bit of demensia didn’t want my brother to have guardianship as my brother stated he wanted to move him to we’re he lives and put him in a nursing home. We went through a long court battle and eventually my brother lost his bid to gain guardianship. From the beginning I was in favor of getting a independent guardian so as not to have family issues get in the way of his life. During the entire court preceding my wife and I received over 40 threatening emails from my brother and his wife. Meanwhile, we were the sole caregiver to my father with absolutely no help from anyone else in the family. I have not had a relationship with my brother sines he left for college 38 years ago. He is the oldest and I am the youngest of 3. I have a sister who is in the area but, she has some serious medical issues of her own so I don’t expect much from her. We still to this day get threatening emails from my brothers wife and we are ready to go to the authorities in order to have them stopped. My father can take care of himself on a limited basis (he takes care of his hygiene, getting dressed, taking his medications as I leave them out for him every day and even walks his dog a few times a day). I stay with my dad every night and prepare his meals for him, clean, do laundry, grocery shop, make and take him to his appointments and generally do any and everything he needs. My dad doesn’t want to even speak with my brother anymore. But, of course “they are smarter then everyone else with much higher IQ’s”. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

SKEM66, Do you have POA both medical and financial? Are your fathers assets the reason your brother wants guardianship? If you don't have POA - financial and medical you need to get those immediately. I would also make an appointment for you and your father to discuss what to do about your brothers threats. Take copies of the threatening emails with you if you visit an elder law attorney.

Thank you for opening this up for discussion. I too have had my eyes opened to the dysfunctional behaviors in my family. I am #3 in my family. 3 girls and one boy. Myself and my younger sister are adopted. I know my brother and two other sister don't get along but I thought I had a good relationship with everyone even though I was living in Colorado. My younger sister and brother (POA) live in the same town as my Mom (younger sister blocks from Mom). My older sister lives in same state about 2 hour away.
Last year my Mom suffered a bad stroke. She is paralyzed on her right side and needs 24 hour care. I was living in Colorado and after discussing Mom's situation I decided to move in with her and help in her care, especially overnight and weekends. We were able to get a reverse mortgage and hire part time caregiver M-F 8am-4pm. With all siblings now with close proximity, it could be manageable to take care of Mom and have help -WRONG.
Immediately my younger sister (who lives within blocks of Mom) started saying she wouldn't be able to help, she has some illness that exhausts her and stress makes it worse (she hasn't gone to get a diagnosis from any doctors and refuses to discuss what actually is wrong with her). Her husband is useless and won't allow her to help either. My older sister has only come up to "see" Mom twice in this year. She's either working 7 days a week or her or her daughter or granddaughter or ill. The big problem is my younger sister and her family (she has 3 adult children, within blocks of Mom). My sister was angry at me for moving in and her and her husband were horrible to me and saying horrible things to family members- "I didn't' have anything in Colorado and now I'm living in Mom's house, driving her car and I think Mom's house and car are mine, etc." childish and ridiculous accusations. They also think I'm getting paid a salary like what we are giving the pt caregiver. One of the reasons for me living with Mom is that we're saving tons of money on in-home health care.They even told my daughter something I had confided in them about some issues I was having with my daughter. Why they are so upset at me is beyond me. I'm keeping our Mom home instead of a nursing home?When Mom was first home she needed a lot of sleep. My younger sister refused to call when she wanted to "visit" Mom. She'd just come in and wake Mom up and then leave after about 30 minutes. She'd upset Mom by crying to her about her stoke and how sick she was (she never came over without being completely made up with hair just right, matching jewelry, etc) Myself, brother and caregiver would have to deal with Mom's mood and lack of sleep. Since we couldn't get her to comply with Mom's health schedule, we changed the locks on Mom's house. We told her she'd have to contact caregiver, since she wouldn't speak to myself or brother, to see if Mom was able to receive visitors. My sister was furious and her husband called screaming and yelling at myself and my brother. Cussing us out and being so hateful - oh I forgot to add, they are extreme Catholics and refer to me as not a God fearing woman?? Afterwards my sister and her family refused to visit or even call Mom. They said "we locked her out and wouldn't let her see Mom". We kept saying that wasn't it, we just had to control Mom's visits and sleeping because it was crucial after her stroke.
When this all happened myself and brother and his wife really though it would be manageable with all 4 of us taking some portion of the situation. Mom is doing better and my younger sister is coming around a little to visit but our family is now divided and destroyed. Now my Mom is doing better but she is also doing things to draw attention. She acts like she is frozen and won't speak or move. When I ask what's going on she doesn't answer me for a few seconds then shakes her head like she was in a daze and says "I don't know" but she only does it to me. I started to ignore those episodes but now she has been not bending her knees and keeping her legs straight when I put her on the toilet or wheelchair or bed. It causes me to fall back with her and she pee's all over herself. She did it one time (its like her legs are tight and won't bend) when I was lifting her to bed. I ended up almost dropping her and then had to slide her on the floor and pick her up from floor. I also have a really bad back (2 unsuccessful fusion surgeries) been recently diagnoses with fibromyalgia and being tested for auto immune disease. so needless to say, I'm in pain all the time and with her doing these crazy things (she doesn't do them with the caregiver or my brother - just me) I'm afraid of dropping her or my back going out. When I question these things she says "I don't know". I've started to distrust my Mom and have feelings of bitterness towards her because of her behavior towards me, and why just me?
I've asked my Mom why she doesn't tell my sisters to "help" a little more - even just coming over for the day and letting me leave? She won't "disrupt" them and doesn't want to upset my sister.
I've recently started to ponder my childhood and how she treated each of us (I've had unsuccessful marriage and relationship).
I know this is a lot and I just needed to vent. I've just recently found this website an its been a blessing reading about others situations and what I can do to help myself (I realize I'm burned out) so I can care for my Mom.

Thank you for letting me vent :)

duck -yes it hurts and I have found the only thing that helps is distance - physical and emotional. I know the physical is not possible for you now. It is a blessing that the hurt you have been subjected to has transformed you to a person who wants to show love to others. Be careful not to get hurt more in this process.Your memories of your uncle are lovely.

glad - it is sweet that Ming wants to follow you everywhere. Not typical of a siamese, I think. You have formed a bond with her.

guest - such narc behaviours. I am glad you recognize them and keep your boundaries. What resonated with me from what you wrote was "you can maintain boundaries with narcissist. It's a constant battle," Absolutely so! As I have aged and gained more understanding (and perhaps less tolerance) of the narc dynamics, I have been less and less inclined to spend the energy maintaining the type of boundaries that you describe, as the effort was ongoing and draining. So distance (physical and emotional) and decreased contract have become my boundaries. I have temporarily decreased that space with emailing my sister over her recent wedding, and know I will have to increase it again, as she will come up with some snarky comments/put downs at some point, and I will back off big time again. So be it.

skem - welcome and I am sorry about your family dynamics. Boundaries, while not changing your bro's behaviour, will protect you and your dad from it. There is just no way to fix that kind of broken. "we are ready to go to the authorities in order to have them stopped" Do it. There is no reason you should have to be subjected to that. I agree with upset - and get POA medical and financial. The other thing you may want to do is look ahead, realising that dad will need more care in the future and make plans for that. Become knowledgeable with medicaid rules and provisions if he will need it. Look around for facilities that would suit him when he gets to that point. It sounds like he is basically at an assisted living stage as you are giving him assistance with a number of things. Re the 40 emails, I have had 20 in a day from my mother who has borderline personality disorder. Receiving them was very stressful. Thankfully she is past that now, Good luck and keep us updated.

whelper - welcome- if there are unhealthy dynamics beneath the surface of a family it seems to be common that they come to the surface when a parent becomes ill and needs care. It is not unusual for a sibling to imagine that the caregiver who has moved in has gained a lot of benefits and same sib has no idea about the work involved and the sacrifices by the caregiver. I think you were right to protect mum's schedule and sleep needs and suppose there was no better way to do it. Mum's health has to come first, It might be a good idea to have your mum evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist regarding her behaviour towards you and what has been happening to her since the stroke. It can be the start of vascular dementia. There may be some meds that would help. As far as mum asking the others to come over and help, I think that will not work. You cannot make anyone do what they are not inclined to do. The best may be is that they don't interfere. As far as the divorce and broken relationship in your life, I don't mean to be flippant, but join the crowd. BTDT, in another relationship and working to make it work. It's never too late to learn to do things a better way. Writing a lot and venting is what we are here for. I am glad it is helping you.

Laugh of the day. The lady that talked of offering R a job as a fishing guide, repeated it when I called her last night for snow removal, and said I could have a job too - cleaning rooms. I told her I had trouble keeping my own house clean. She said I could come up with R anyway if I wanted to. We talked face to face, but I think she has no idea how old I am, and none of her business either.

Cooking some ratatouille - smells good.

DDDuck, Please do not judge or diagnose my family members as delusional and do not transfer or impose your beliefs onto my family situation. That is making a huge jump from being a dysfunctional family to having a delusional mental illness. Thank you.

Vhelper, Welcome to the thread. Come vent, ask questions, etc. Many of the people on this thread have a wealth of experience as caregivers and all have experience with dysfunctional individuals or entire families. Again welcome.

Golden, Your laugh of the day was a good one. All of ideas for where to live are good.

I've been sitting on the porch enjoying the sun and warm temperatures while the boys have been playing basketball. Today my son and the kids have kept me busy cooking.

Tomorrow morning we're headed to Disneyland for two or three days.

thx upset - How nice for you to have some sunshine and warmth. Enjoy Disneyland

I think finally finishing off the rehab and insurance issues have freed me from the house and opened my mind to new possibilities.

I will sell the lot the cottage was on, as that area is turning into a bedroom community for E'ton - not a place for a country retreat. R knows a good realtor in that area. It has gained a lot in value since I bought it, but will not go higher in the foreseeable future. Once we have a look at the condos, we will have an idea of what we are aiming for in terms of furniture. Then I need to get rid of the rest. The only furniture I really want to take with me is the dark oak dining set. Dd wants the leather set though I don't know where she will put it. The condos are arranged on the open space floor plan, so they are fairly flexible. There is an exercise room with equipment in the basement. heated underground parking and a wash bay, games areas on two floors, and a separate clubhouse for functions. It is on the edge of town and some units look out onto fields. it will be a big change, but has may advantages for me. Since staying in that town during the evac I feel comfortable there.The only people I really visit here are dd and family and I will miss them, but there is always the phone, and I can visit, and so can they. I have been privileged to have my kids near me for so much of my life.

Whew - big changes, I have lived in this community for 40 years and seen many changes in it and in my life in that time. Other than Gordie's death, the fire last year was the most momentous - a fitting end.

Glad, Ming, is such a pretty and fitting name. It must be lovely bonding with her.

Guest, I loved the post on boundaries.

Upset, again I find myself apologizing. I meant no harm. I apologize for any offense.

I do tend to relate everything to my issues with my sister and mother. I apologize to any and all who have been offended by my tendency to infer my issues or experiences or feelings to their post or loved ones. Its not meant in a meanful or condeming way and I dont post with that intention and I certainly dont post in a mean way. My apoogy again to you, Upset, and to the others who feel offended.

I wanted to share about this weird thing this morning when I got home.

I'd ordered a milk shake for my mother. She doesnt like the ensure, or boost and is not eating. It was bothering me. So, this order was way over a week ago. I saw a note on window stating a pakage was by flower pot. I looked and didnt notice anything. This was last friday.

This morning as I entered gate, a squirrel, shot out from one corner of house onto a flower pot and sat there long enough for me to say what you got over there. When I said that it looked at me and ran off. Sure enough the package with the drinks were in that same corner with a piece of board over it. I just happend to see the corner of a box. It was just weird and my mother loved it to boot! lol.

Ok, what the heck did I miss? I have not read anything said by anybody that should irritate or cause another to become defensive.😵

Glad, I found DDDuck's assumption that my members of my family are delusional offensive. They are definitely dysfunctional and misguided in their expectations of what others should do for them, but not deadbeats and delusional. Nothing more.

Upset
Can't believe we've got a heatwave coming to SoCal this week - 90s on thanksgiving ! Hydrate at Disneyland

Ms Madge, Heat wave at Thanksgiving. Unheard of in Maine even in August.🙂

Here is some information I found regarding children of alcoholics. I find it to be very true. FB has a page called Reach out Recovery which is full of great info including detachment.

Here are the 10 things we’d like you to know — even if we can’t articulate them:

1. We Don’t Know “Normal”
Normal is a relative term, yes. But our normal is not on the relativity scale. Normal for us can include instability, fear, even abuse. Normal might be a parent passed out in their own vomit. Normal might be taking care of your household, your siblings, your parent(s), and very rarely yourself. This profound lack of understanding leads us to the conclusion that normal = perfect, and less than perfect is unacceptable. Perfect is a non-negotiable term — there are no blurred lines. It’s all or nothing.

2. We Are Afraid
A lot of the time. And the fear is hidden — sometimes very deeply. We are afraid of the future, specifically the unknown. The unknown was our reality for many years. We may not have known where our parents were, or when they’d return. We might not have known if there would be dinner or drunkenness. While we may know now that those things aren’t likely to happen, that doesn’t make life any less terrifying. This fear may express itself in a number of ways, everything from anger to tears. We probably won’t recognize it as fear.

3. We are afraid (part 2: children)
We are afraid to have children and when we do, we are afraid to wreck them, like we are wrecked. If we can acknowledge our own damage, we definitely don’t want to inflict it on anyone else. We don’t really know how to be a parent. It’s actually panic inducing. We will second-guess everything we do and may over-parent for fear of under-parenting.

4. We Feel Guilty
About everything. We don’t understand self-care. We don’t have clear-cut boundaries. If we stand up for ourselves, we feel guilty. If we take care of ourselves, we feel guilty. Our life is built on a foundation of I give to you and receive nothing. We don’t know how to receive.

5. We Are Controlling
Because we don’t know normal, and because we are afraid, we may often seek to exert control over anything and everything around us. This can manifest itself in our homes, our work, or our relationships. We may often be inflexible. We don’t usually see this as dysfunction. We will likely frame this as a strength.

6. We Are Perfectionists
We are terribly critical of ourselves — of every detail. Because of this internal dialogue of self-loathing, we are often sensitive to criticism from others. This is deeply-seated fear of rejection. Please pause, if you are able, and choose your words with compassion. We may have lacked for love. We need it.

7. We Had No Peace In Our Childhood
We don’t know peace. This is ironic, because we believe only in perfection and yet we create chaos. Chaos, stress, unrest: these are comfortable for us. We feel at home in these circumstances, not because they are healthy, but because they feel normal.

8. We Are In Charge Of Everything — Even If We Don’t Want To Be (But We Always Want To Be)
This manifests itself mostly in female daughters and especially the oldest female daughters of an addict mother (we have our own books, even). Because these women — like myself — have been forced to take on the responsibilities of the incapable parent(s), they will be the first person to take on everything — to their own detriment. Responsibility is the name of the game. And we will take responsibility for everyone; their emotions, their needs, their lives. In fact, it’s easier to take responsibility for everyone else than even ourselves.

9. We Seek Approval
Constantly. Our self-esteem is exceptionally low. Our addicted parents were unable to provide the love and nurturing we required to form secure attachment. As such, we will seek that in all our relationships going forward. All of them. This need for approval manifests itself in generally self-sacrificing behavior. We will give to our own detriment. Please remind us to take care of ourselves, too.

10. We Live In Conflict
We want to be perfect, but we can’t because we are paralyzed by fear. We want to control our surroundings, but we desperately want to be taken care of. We desperately want to be self-assured, because we know that’s the key to the control we seek, but we can’t be self-assured because we grew up believing we had no worth.

If we have chosen you as a partner, or even a dear friend, we may see either a situation that requires our keen ability to pick up the mess, or we may see someone who can love us back to health. Neither of these is a particularly sound choice. We don’t know. We don’t care.

While intellectually we may know that it is our responsibility to manage our feelings, our intellect doesn’t always align itself with our emotions. We may be frail, frightened, scared, lonely, angry, or clingy. We may be all of those things at once.

We don’t mean to be, we probably don’t even know we are.

Sharyn, That is great info on alcoholism. Will definitely add that FB page to our resource list. We have clients who have alcohol issues in their families.

*RAISES HAND*. Thanks, sharyn.

Upset, they cover everything from surviving a friendship with a narcissist to setting boundaries.

Sharyn, Good to know.

sharyn - great information. I suspect all of us can identify with some of it. For me it was not only my alcoholic father but also my BPD mother that affected me in these ways, I believe. I think much of this list applies to other dysfunctions than alcoholism. I don't know what "normal" is - never lived with it. I used to check things out with a few "normal" girlfriends. Guilt -oh yes, and not knowing how to receive. Perfectionism ties in with guilt. I read something like "When perfectionism stops, progress (growth) begins. A "peaceless" childhood -definitely, and lonely too.

Re exercise and moving every hour - does letting your wireless mouse slide onto the floor several times an hour, and having to bend, stretch far, or get up to retrieve it count? If so mine may be extending my life!!! 😉

Yay -finally the temporary parking lot on the green belt across the street is just about empty. One truck looks to have been abandoned there. Bylaw was out looking at it this morning, so, presumably, it will be moved or removed soon, and I will have my old view back.

Take care all - do something good for you, and let go of the guilt.

We have had a long day at Disney. My granddaughter and I are getting ready to go to hotel and get ready for dinner. We're having a Disney princess dinner. Guys are eating elsewhere. My granddaughter has danced with every group that has come down the street. She can't ride most of the rides because of her broken arm. Boys have rode rides all day. A much needed vacation for me and PJ. And one of the very few times I've gotten to see my grandchildren without my mother looming large in the background criticizing me.

upset - sounds like fun. Enjoy! At a certain age it doesn't get better than a Disney princess.

Having decided what to do, I feel singularly uninterested in doing anything about it. I think I am burnt out. The fire, evac, rehab/renos and insurance took a lot out of me, R and his issues, the soda incident (still ongoing), mother and the wrong meds, moving mother to a new facility... Have I forgotten anything? I am hoping this  feeling will pass if I get off the merry go round for a while and just live day to day.

stacey -wondering how you are - how the tests turned out. Hope no news is good news,

The good news is that dd and I have sorted it out and she will come and clean my furnace room tomorrow and more every week or so. She is great at downsizing so she will help me organize that.

Lawdy, I just want some peace.

Golden, My granddaughter and I enjoyed the princess dinner. It was fun and the food was very good. Tomorrow the two of us are going to hotel spa for mani-pedis and have our hair done. She has a fingertip to shoulder cast and hair washing is difficult.

Aw grandma and granddaughter time. Love it! Get something wild with the mani-pedis. ;)

Sharyn, thanks for sharing that info, it hit home in a lot of places.

Maybe something is going on in my planets. I came down this afternoon for my shower, my mother in front of bathroom says I told you to stay out of here you look a mess. First negative I have heard from her in a while.

I had to pray myself up again. I realize a lot of this stuff is over and beyond my understanding and capacity so I have to leave it to God. That has been my quest in the past few months, learning to let go and let God. A lot of things I have noted is warfare beyond my control.
I also appreciate the honest feedback I receive. Obviously my stuff does come out sideways sometimes but it a choice to make it into a personal assault. I have to much pain and hurt to be looking for a personal attack on me or my family in any post. All I see is the truth of a situation in my family. I love my family. I have never felt that anyone was insulting me or my familly in any way shape or form with a post about something relative. I found this site when my heart wa breaking at the seams as I realized my life of my intentions, love, my every thought was turned into something malicious and ugly. I spent of crazy long time tryoing to prove my love to no avail. Now I deal with the task of learning to move on from that, letting go of finding blame in myself for something I didnt do or intend. Taking one slap, aboorbing, denying the truth. I still live it daily. Only now I see it when it drives up. When it starts to park. Then I look at my blessings and I know if I dont feed into these things I will be alright. I have to keep that hope and hold on. I cant allow my self to get swallowed up and chewed and spit out over and over again. So I try not to feed it. Relating to the pain and struggles of others help me with my own. I have gotten a ton of help and enlightenment here, the love the shines through some of these posts is awesome. I dont get on long enough to see who has what profession or degree. I have seen and enjoyed people posting great achievement in their fields and profession which was truly awesome. I give the props. I see the expertisim, logic, peace, enthusisam, the push the love the encouragement, the honesty the truth in certain posts and this moves me in my heart. It helps me. That what keeps me here. I know because of where I come from in my heart that there is a lot of pain and its reflected in different ways. I keep that in consideration in all but I can only apprecciate and only embrace the good that comes from sharing our pain lor joy and moments and opening my heart because that is all I am putting out there.

Golden, I agree these 10 items can apply to almost all dysfunction for the survivors except those surviving sexual abuse may have additional issues.

DDDuck, I don’t think anyone here has attacked you, only pointed out your use of certain wording.

None of us are perfect, we make mistakes. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Having said that, changing how one does things is the only going to produce different results, trial and error. Part of being dysfunctional means making changes in baby steps.

You are very hurt, wounded. Love is a great thing, however, those who hurt us, especially family, they will not wake up one day to realize they hurt us. You can instead, turn all this love inward. Learn to love yourself as a mother should have loved you. Make your physical and emotional health a priority. Only prove to yourself that you deserve it!

"The soda incident", Golden? What did I miss? But yes you have had more than your fair share of the one dam' thing after another going on, for far too long. It certainly does knock the stuffing out of a person.

Daughter 1 is ill, in bed, and no she does not want me to travel up there and take her chicken soup. Three non-stop 14 hour night shifts on the trot left her vulnerable to all the bugs going around, so it's not a sign of anything and she's a big grown-up girl; it's just that you still want to rush over and plump pillows and things.

But being feverish and at a low ebb - or at least she claimed that was why she was more talkative than normal - she let slip that Niece and Nephew 3 broke the news a couple of weeks back that Sister and BIL are not living together. She got fed up with a recurring affair and chucked him out, it seems. Niece and Nephew are deeply unimpressed with him.

I knew at once what this was all about - it first cropped up three or four years ago, and I thought Sister had decided to accommodate it: he got caught out in some tacky tryst, she confronted him about it, he came up with an explanation which was patent tosh, she chose to accept the explanation... Well, she's neither gullible nor thick, so at the time I just said "if you're happy I'm happy" and didn't comment on his credibility.

At times like this it would be good to offer sisterly support. I am strongly tempted to. But I'm not going to. For my own sake I need our relationship to be closed and done and I do not want to break that seal. And to make staying away extra-easy, I'm pretty sure that knowing that I knew about it would in her mind be the last straw of humiliation - her opinion of me is that poor.

And that's not my fault.

CM good to see you here. Golden's soda incident? She found a floater in a purchased bottle of dark brown soda. She felt ill for a time afterwards and then had to struggle with finding a lab to test the floater to determine what it was. I am sure she will respond with more detail.

Detach from sissie? I understand completely. I felt the same when I accidentally found out about ts1's 22 year old son's stroke. I was dismayed (yes that is the right word, not hurt) because I wasn't told. But, to say something to ts1 was not going to be an option. Someone would have had to deal with her wrath at having told me. I prefer to stay on the outside. Even decided to not say anything to nephew, just none of it worth opening that can of worms. It would not have helped anything.

Back to sleep for me.

Seriously??? Wow!!! They don't learn, do they? - Donoghue née McAlister v Stephenson (1932) - the founding case of modern civil law of negligence! Establishing the duty of care of the manufacturer to those whom he might reasonably foresee would come into contact with his product!

Mrs McAlister went to a café where she ordered a bottle of ginger beer and a dish of ice cream. She drank some of the ginger beer, and then poured the remainder over her ice cream intending to eat it as a sundae. To her horror, out swam a partially decomposed snail, complete presumably with shell, and she suffered both shock and gastroenteritis as a direct result of having already consumed some of the drink. She sued for damages. The retailer was found not to be liable because the ginger beer was sealed in the type of opaque stoneware bottle common at that time and he could not reasonably be expected to have examined the contents prior to sale. The manufacturer denied liability on the grounds that he had no duty of care towards the end consumer. The case went all the way to the House of Lords, and Mrs McAlister won.

Nowadays I expect someone would sue on the poor old snail's behalf, too - for wrongful imprisonment at least if not snailslaughter.

Here's hoping Golden's mystery object was just a lumpy bit of the otherwise correct original ingredients! :P

Mrs Donoghue, I mean, d'oh!

Distracted by tussle with retailer about a faulty uplighter, grrrrrrrrr. There's probably a case about that, too!