The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Emjo,

Thanks. It looks like she's getting her appetite back.
I'm so glad, too. My sister was getting like a drill sergeant with the way she'd give mom the Ensure. She wanted this small lady to drink it down in one sitting just before bed. To me, this seemed rather cruel, given mother hadn't eaten hardly a thing for several days. My sister could be way more gentle in her approach.

Yes, a surgery could be too much for mom. Let's see what they tell her.
I fear if they advise to do this, I'm going to have more than a tiff with my sister.
Who knows. I'll just have to cross that bridge, when I come to it.
I hope you're doing better, Emjo. Hugs & Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux~I hope your mom can get by with following the diet for gallstones instead of surgery. I know my mom's dr. recommend not to have surgery on a suspected hernia. So far she has been ok..no pain or problems.

When I go to mom's house, she is not difficult...I don't think she realizes I am the same person she yells at on the phone.

We had a 9am appt. with the dr. for a med review. He took a lot of time talking to mom about AL, that she can't live alone due to memory impairment. Of course she countered with I don't live alone, I have my dog!! He tried to show her how bad her memory is by asking her if she remembers calling his office. Mom said yes, I called yesterday. He said, what about the day before that? She said no, I didn't call. He said yes you did, you called 7 times 20 minutes apart. She just looked at him shaking her head no. He said the reason you don't remember is because your short term memory is impaired. It is not your fault and no one is blaming you but you can't live alone anymore and you need to trust that your daughter's are doing what is best for your safety. She said, I have been safe, there have been no problems so far! He said, that is not true because you started a fire in your kitchen.

It has been 1-1/2 hours since I took her home...so far no phone calls. I am not expecting her to accept the situation totally but maybe the dr. helped her see that she needs more help than we can give her.

Sharyn, I so hope your mom accepts. We can hope really, really hard. Depending on how deepseated she always view doctors, maybe she will accept the doctor's word - even in her dementia state of mind. Or she can turn against doctors like my father. "The doctor doesn't know anything. I know everything. I know what's going on. He doesn't. I'm not going to the doctor anymore." That is my father's rants when it comes to me trying to get him to go to the clinic. But even before his senility, he didn't care to go to the clinic. Thinking back, I think this attitude changed when mom got diagnosed and father found out how "useless" white man's meds were towards healing mom. After that, he went gungho into herbal supplements. Whatever he did, it worked - mom's physical body lasted longer than most people - and she died with very smooth soft skin. (Everyone commented on that at mom's viewing.)

Sharyn, you have a very good and caring doctor. I went down memory lane and still remember how your mom was when I first found this site last year June. So much has changed in both our situations. HUGS!!! Book

Book~Awww...I know so much has changed and you and I have changed as a result. I can understand your anger at Hospice. There is something that I have learned and it is not because you or I are not trying. It is this: We have to ask the right questions to get the right answers. People are not listening to us so they just give us what they have been trained to say. No one wants to elaborate on the subject. It is just like where I work, if a customer does not ask a question in a certain way, I give them the same old response part of it is because I am not really listening to their question and part of it is because I have so much to deal with that I truly don't want to go out of my way for them because of the time of day they are requesting it. When I had to deal with Verizon regarding my mom's account, I just got the run around every time I called. I finally sent an email to "Call 3" which is a television news network that helps people who are having a problem with a business. I received a call from Verizon's corporate office and they were finally listening to me and took care of the problem. It is sad that we have to get so angry and be nasty to a business in order to get results. Of course I don't work with life and death situations or health care but it does not excuse the fact that we are trained to answer a question a certain way without thinking outside the box. That is why I have learned so much on this site because people are willing to share information that we can't always get from the sources who should be giving it.

Alas, mom is not accepting it, she finally called me about the subject at hand 10 minutes ago. We will go through with the move and see how she reacts with them. She usually does not create problems with people she sees as authority figures. She will try to assert herself but does not become nasty like she does with us. While all this is going on, I am grateful that mom still has a fight within, it gives me hope that she will comply and thrive. I have more respect for my dr. as we have journeyed through this because I felt for quite some time that he was not very supportive to me and sis. I have learned that even though he is a dr., he has limitations of what he can actually do to help us emotionally in a personal way. Unfortunately, we have to learn a lot of things the hard way because there is no manual on what questions to ask to get the right answers, what we should do next, is it time to place a parent, should I call for hospice?? Thank you Book, you always are supportive even when you have your hands full. Luv you and hugs!! Sharyn

I don't usually post on issues that are in the news, however, I just happened to wake up here at 3:30am and hubby has on the tv while getting ready for work. The police are searching for one suspect in the Boston Marathon bombing, another suspect is dead from a shootout . It sounds like they know who is responsible for it and hopefully will capture the other suspect without any further bloodshed. Stay safe those of you in Watertown/Boston area.

Yeah, I've been glued to the TV since I got home. The police sent automated calls at 2-4am to every residence in Watertown. The recording warns them not to go outside, keep all doors/windows locked and do not open the door unless the person can prove they are the real police. While people are locked in, the cops are going house to house searching each ones. Cops from all the surrounding towns and even from the state of Massachusetts.... the guys are brothers from Chesnia.

So much going on first the marathon bombing the expulsion in west Texas and the rain and flooding in the Midwest.
A lot of info is coming out on the bombers I just hope no one is killed. Two security officers werekilled aswell.

It may seem like the the Boston/Massachusetts is over-reacting but they're not. It seems when trying to get away, one brother ran over the other brother. The older bro that died may have been wearing explosives. As for the younger bro, he stated online (FB?) that he wants to kill people. He, too, might have explosives on him. The police needs to catch him ASAP so they have cut off his escape routes - people stay in homes (so he can't kidnap them and force them to take him out of there), business closed, shut down the train system. then the cab systems. And just now the airplanes. They have literally stopped all major transportations....

I worry about the people in their homes. What if he breaks in? Or he knocks and a child rushes to open the door? I hope no one with dementia wanders out - to do their every day thing. I hope everyone is hunkered down and have some kind of hiding place with lots of self-defense weapons. I hope no more civilians get hurt.

I agree, no over reaction. We were hit here on our own ground during a time of celebration! Boston, needs to make an example out of this.....to let others know, THIS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!

I think the scariest thought is....if he gets away...where will he strike next?????

It looks as if this situation with my mom is up and down. Now my sister had to take her to ER, again Wed. night. Apparently they spent just about all night there as they were running some tests on mom. Poor thing, she had a major flare up with the pain as a result of the gallstones. They arrived at home at 5:00 a.m. after this.

On Thurs., she was scheduled for two appointments. The first one w/her primary care doctor, the second with the gallstone specialist. The gallstone specialist advised that she needed to be hospitalized, and monitored. So my sister had to spend another long day/night at another hospital. By the time she called me to convey all of this, she told me the doctor said she was not a candidate for Gallbladder surgery. I guess the gallbladder itself, is checking out in good condition. However, he was talking about the Laparoscopic method to address the gallstones. Anyway, he still needed some info.-tests taken the night before from the ER, so mom was sent home w/my sister very late last night. They did give her Morphine for the pain.

So now we are at being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Mother has had several flare ups with the intense pain. One can just imagine if they've had to prescribe Morphine, and Vicodin. So now after the doctor clears all necessary tests for pre-op, right now it looks as if the situation could be pointing towards a Laparoscopic procedure. I do have my very mixed feelings about ANY surgical procedure possibly done on her. But I definitely concur with my sister, I do not want my mother in excruciating pain. Ay yay yay!, Oy vey! Anyway, I'm going to do a search about this. Margeaux

I don't think they are over reacting. They have reason to suspect that others are involved so they are doing what needs to be done to protect public safety. Last I heard they thought he might be wounded, if so, I doubt he will get far is probably holed up in that house.. It is scary that they have basically shut down a big city like Boston and I hope it is over soon.

I haven't looked at any news about the Boston bombing. Under these circumstances is reasonable to believe their police force would go checking house to house.
But instead of creating in our own minds more unfortunate circumstances, all the "what ifs." let's instead send out energies that the guy on the loose is caught!
Margeaux

Margeaux~So sorry your poor mom is going through all this.Having dementia is enough without being rushed to ER, staying for a long period. The laporscopic surgery is less invasive, hopefully they can do it that way. Hang in there and let us know what happens. Hugs to you!!

I sit here with my stomach in knots today knowing that tomorrow we will move mom. I took all her meds to the community and gave mom meds for today. When I got there, I could hear the dog barking from a distance. At first I thought they were in the backyard, as I unlocked the doors, I realized they were in the bedroom. She had the door locked and I knocked a couple times calling out to her. She finally opened the door said she was sleeping. This is another reason why I have to get her out of there. I fear going over there and having her not respond and I will have to remove the door knob to get in the bedroom. Enough of this, I have to get something done here today.

Sharyn, I was just sitting here thinking about you and mom. I was just about to sign off and do father when I decided to check my NEWS FEED one more time. Saw you posted. You must be very very nervous. Might as well turn that energy to do what needs to be done today. Keeping you in my thoughts....

Sharyn,
How terrible for you to have that worry earllier today. did Mom say why she had locked the bedroom door? She seems to be very afraid, doesn't she.
You are certainly going to be in my prayers knowing this is hard on you.
Can you develop a mantra to get yourself through this? "This move is so good for Mom"
"Mom will be safe and happy in her new home"
"Knowing Mom will be safe and cared for makes me confident and thankful"

Keep positive and let that attitude come through in your interactions with your Mom and siblings. You want your Mom to feel she is on an adventure or at a resort vacation. How lucky for her to have the wherewithall to afford such a lovely place! so on and so forth.
She will "pick up" your sentiments and take clues from your voice and actions...Smile as much as possible, talk softly and send her good vibes.

Will continue to look for your posts. Everything will be okay, sharyn and it is great your husband is helping with the move. You can sure rely upon him, can't you!
Maybe you two could go to the ocean again, soon?
Bonnie

Keep yourself on a

Bonnie~Mom locks the bedroom door because she is afraid. Yes, I want her to be safe and feel safe.

husband with dementia, I had to shut the TV off because he became so agitated watching it with all the tv coverage of the situation. Put cheerful DVR on for him to calm and forget...one never knows how far reaching situations like this reach and who it will emotionally affect, especially the vulnerable.

I have recently moved my 74 year old mother into my home. She was not the nicest mother when I was a kid, and now I find myself dealing with many emotions from my childhood. My sister is no help as they are estranged from each other. I sometimes wish I was estrange from my mother too. She criticizes me, hates living with me and questions many things I do. She is in the early stages of "vascular dementia" , but refuses to believe anything is wrong with her. She is suspicious of everyone , worries constantly over everything, and is in general driving me crazy!!! I want my life back!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for letting me vent........

Trust - I don't care for music/talk show radio all day. I like to watch HLN or CNN news, Undercover Boss, etc... while on my laptop. It sure makes caregving more pleasant. But, I've reached a point that I miss reading my books. I have put off reading since I found this site last June. So, last night, I took out my unread books from the large box and organized it by authors/series and the order of reading it. Starting today, I will go start reading my books. I sure miss it! Just watch...father will go back to complaining that my book comes first before him! =)

Hi Letmebe..uhm...wow, she's only 74 years old. Since you're just venting, I won't say anything more. However, if you need to vent and get some feedback from us, please let us know and give us more info of the family dynamics.

I will say one thing though about your sister. Father and I had caregiven mom for about 25 years. In all those years, I have begged, asked, threatened (to leave the parents and in the end to commit suicide) for their help. NOTHING! So, all I can say is - please don't look or ever plan to think that your sister will help. Unless a miracle happens and she decides to help. So for now, it's just you and your mom. So sorry that you're going thru this alone (?)

If you ever do decide that you really, really need help with your mother, you can check your local area for alzheimer organization, senior citizen centers, etc...for some respite (get away) from caregiving your mom - to maintain your sanity....Hope today looks better than yesterday! Take care...

Sharynmarie,

I sure an thinking about you today. Have you moved your mother yet?
Let us know how it went. Meanwhile, a big hug and thinking about you.
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

I'm thinking of you and family, too!
Hope all goes as well as it possibly can.

Let us know!

((((((((sharyn))))))) thinking of you too - big transition today, lots of feelings...

Hi Everyone!!
I want to thank you all for your well wishes for today. Throughout the day, I thought about the things you have all said to me this last week and it helped me to preserve and push myself to keep going.
I was at mom's by 9:20am. I had no problem getting her to go out shopping with me. I told her we would look for a wall clock for her kitchen. I kept her browsing from aisle to aisle and dept. to dept. She was negative the first hour. By 10:30 I wanted to give her a 1/2 a Xanax because I couldn't take much more but decided to wait. She became quiet and just strolled around with me. After an 1 1/2 hours she started getting antsy wanting to go home, worried about her dog. I sent a text to my hubby telling him mom was getting antsy. I bought a wall clock with large numbers and no background pictures on it, a shower curtain, shower liner, hooks, batteries for the clock and her hearing aids. We left Target, went to home depot. I was looking for those 3M strips to hang pictures because I didn't think the community would allow us to use small nails to hang the clock or pictures. I sent a second text ( hadn't heard back yet from hubby), told him to tell sis I was taking mom to lunch and to meet us at Applebee's. By this time it was 11:30...two hours with my mom and I was running out of ideas to stall her until everything was moved.Hubby finally texted me back saying they just left with the first truck load 1 1/2 hours into our shopping excursion! I thought what is taking them so long...3 trucks,4 men and 1 woman...what are they doing??? I texted him back saying I can't stall her any longer, I am taking her to lunch. Mom and I had lunch and were getting back into my car when sis and bro pulled into the parking lot. Things just didn't go as smoothly as we had hoped and planned for. Mom was suspicious the whole time and she followed me to the parking lot to where sis and bro were. Sis just blurted out to her we moved her furniture and we were taking her to AL. Mom became combative, arguing. We told her if she didn't agree to this because dr.'s have stated you cannot live alone anymore, the state would step in and place her somewhere not as nice as the place we picked out for her. This is true to some degree since APS is aware of mom's situation and they have been in contact with me. and will follow up on it. I got mom back in my car, she wanted to go HOME, she wanted her DOG. Sis had told mom that the dog was at her new apartment. I got a text from bro that he and sis were going to mom's house to get the dog. More delays...I got to the community, mom was very angry. It took about 15 minutes before sis and bro got there with the dog. Mom sat in a chair crying. She doesn't cry often but when she does, I cry too (I'm too emotional).Finally bro and sis get there and we to up to mom's apartment. She continued being combative, accusing us of just wanting her house for ourselves. Then my nephews came back with a last load. During lunch I gave her a Tylenol and 1/2 a Xanax. After we were all there for about 45 minutes, sis and I went back down stairs to finish filling out all the paperwork. My bro came down a couple times and he said mom was making up her bed and putting some things away. Wow!!! What a change?? It was about 3:45 when we finished the paperwork. Hubby was already out of the way so mom could not target him. Nephews and bro left. Sis decided we needed to go back to mom's house to get some more things. We were gone about 1 hour. When we brought up 4 more boxes of mom's belongings, she became combative again, yelling at us, arguing, accusing. We decided to go down for dinner to distract her. After dinner we took mom and dog for walk around the community. Nothing was working, as soon as we got back in her apartment she started in again. I gave her another 1/2 Xanax at dinner. It's now 7pm. Sis and I are trying to unpack the 4 boxes we brought over. As quickly as we unpacked,mom was repacking with other things. She was going home no matter what!! While all this was going on, I went down stairs looking for an aid so I could get mom's meds (antidepressant and Namenda). It took a while but I finally found one. Telling her that mom was very upset, combative and I needed to get her meds to her before I leave. I don't know if I posted that mom's dr. did not fax back to the community the meds that she takes, so I have to give them to her until Monday. The aid found them, I told her I wanted her to go with me to mom's apartment because of the situation. She went with me, I tried to give mom the meds, she accused me of trying to poison her. The aid talked with mom. Mom told her that when she takes these meds, she has pain in her left arm. She told mom, would you take them for me just tonight and I will call the dr. tomorrow about it. She said ok. I gave her the meds. The aids wanted to get mom's BP and weight, so I went to give mom a hug...she turned her back on me saying I don't know you, get away from me!!
Now I have to tell you all...when mom was giving sis and me a hard time, at one point my mom got right in sis's face stomping her foot saying, I don't want to stay, I want to got home. Sis got right back in mom's face stomping her foot saying this is where you live now.I laugh about this now but it was not funny at the time. You know I told mom when we were walking the dog, "the more you fight this, the harder it is going to be for you". I told my hubby if they had a camera recording us in mom's apartment, they would have laughed at us unpacking frantically, and mom repacking just as frantically.Tomorrow mom will start the Expressions program and while she is busy in the memory care unit, aids will come by her apartment to walk the dog!! The janitor will be there tomorrow and I will have him put up two mirrors what match her dresser, give her the meds and have lunch with her. The delays were a result of different perspectives...mine was to just move her furniture and necessities...sis's was to have everything moved and in place perfectly. Hubby told me sis was packing all mom's clothes in her dresser drawers not thinking how much heavier it was making it for them to move it. Sis said the delay was because the men wanted to be the bosses and they took a lot of time talking about how to load the trucks, LOL!!! I say such is life...we got through today. Tomorrow is a another day...I have more I want to share but I will wait maybe tomorrow. Thank you all so much..I love you all and am so thankful for your support!! Hugs!

Sharyn, well...mission accomplished. Unfortunately, when you're moving furnitures, it Does make a difference how to load it on the truck - use maximum space with less back-and-forth driving. Unfortunately, with the limited time you guys had - putting the furnishings in Perfectly - is Not an Option. Like you, I would have made the plans, dump it in, get rid of any that is too much for the room, etc... You can 'perfect' it later on.

On another note, I'm not sure how steady a reader you are on the YOU thread. But there were comments made when a poster just placed her parent in the NH or AL. She wondered why she was told NOT to visit for a week (?). She wanted to come back and see how her mom was doing. Other posters commented that when placing a parent in NH or AL, they need time to adjust to their new home. Hence the institution would prefer that family members refrain from visiting. Their visit will remind them of home and then they will want to go home. Depending on your AL rules, some prefer 1 - 2 weeks of no family visits. One poster said that her parent reacted just like yours. She listened to the 'no family visit' rule. When she finally visited for the first time, her mom had accepted the AL as her new home. Other posters, their parent will still ask every visit when they are coming home ..until they eventually stop asking or accept the new place as home.

Since your mom did not go into this willingly, I don't think it's wise that any family member visits her. Let her settle down and get the rhyhm of things. Because if this doesn't work out, and you let your heart rule your head, mom will end up living with you and hubby. Where else will she stay??? Give her time to adjust. I think while you do that, maybe you can search on this site how other caregivers handled situations like this. You can get the pros and cons...and act accordingly.

By the way, I know what you mean about finding it funny - only after the event. I forgot an incident that happened like that. I wanted to post it here but thought that the readers would Not find it funny and condemn me for my viewpoint (after the fact.) Thanks for updating us. HUGS!!!

Sharynmarie,

I'm more than sure that this by no means could be an easy day for the loved ones of an elder that must be placed in AL. It really must have worked over your every last nerve. I know that you are way more nurturing in your approach with your mother than your sister is. your mother. She definitely falls somewhat below the standards of being tactful!

Now hopefully that she's going to benefit from the Expressions program, she'll possibly open a new avenue up for herself too. It could be that she starts to connect with other elders. It's important that no matter what, even you remind yourself of the positive side of what the AL has to offer to her.

I was listening to a radio show I love to listen to the other night. There was a speaker, and I don't recall her name, but she spoke to the exchange in energy between people, or events Basically she was tapping into a concept of remembering, instead of looking for all the sorry aspects about a situation, to at least find the good parts about it. You consciously think about it it send it out there. I'm doing this in my current situation with mom. I fess up, that it's no easy task, especially when you've a combative person to deal with. One day at a time.
But it sounds as if everyone came through this tough day, and that you had key people's support. Remember this was a personal victory for you, so celebrate this.

The decision when to visit her, is going to be challenging, and I know this goes without saying. About keeping some humor, this is what we do to keep our sanity. It's very important to keep our sense of humor about us. It's a mind saving tool. Stay strong, and many hugs!! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Book~The whole day was very stressful and emotionally painful. Not just for us but for mom as well. Unfortunately, mom is the type of person who has never accepted that we as her family can't be her all in all. No one can be that for another person. The community nurse suggested we visit once a week in the beginning. I do have to go back today to give her the meds because they can't do it until the dr. faxes the med list to them. My sister just really wanted to bring as much of mom's belongings there and have everything as much like home as possible which is understandable. I think she wanted mom to walk in feel that it was like home. Mom told her that she hopes her (sis) life is miserable and that she suffers. She told me to never come to visit, she wanted nothing to do with me again. My nephew told me when we were all in the apartment, that he noticed when grandma talked to me, that she yelled more and was nasty to me, but not as much to sis. I just said because I am around her more so she is more comfortable being her true self with me. Brother couldn't really help with lifting and actual moving, he only has 60% lung capacity and he is a candidate for a hip replacement due to lower back issues...similar to my lower back issues....that is scary to me. Sis's blood sugar was dropping so she had to eat some cookies while we were packing up more of moms things. Anyway, bro just texted me, he and I will meet at the community in an hour so I gotta get showered. Take care and hugs!!