The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Ali; I posted a link on your page, hope it's interesting reading. Have you ever considered having a sleep study done?

Ali, you sound utterly burned out! If that is the case, you are probably experiencing a myriad of emotions and physical symptoms. Instead searching for a cure, maybe try meeting each hour as you are. If you are up to sorting paperwork from 10-11, do it. If by 1 pm you are exhausted, grab a blanket or two, stretch out on the couch to watch some pleasant program. Listen to what your body wants. Take that afternoon nap. Let yourself heal and recover.

Ali, I hope you finally got to sleep. What you are experiencing are hypnic jerks or myoclonic jerks, if you want to do some reading about it.

Got to sleep about 6am, then allowed myself to sleep a couple hours later than usual today. Thanks, CW, I'll read up on that. From what I read the other day, the adrenaline surges have to do with cortisol levels. Cortisol should fall during the day, be low at night. Mine is rising during day (apparently) enough to cause those adrenaline surges. I had a few last night. I will drift off and then be jerked awake.

I read about the adrenal fatigue (thank you, Barb!) and I do have symptoms, and fit the causes, too.

I told a friend I had concerns about my body/brain, and that I'm wondering if "going somewhere quiet" for 3 or 6 months to focus on truly HEALING myself isn't the right move. I said this because I notice the headaches daily right now. I don't know what causes them. I wake up with them. It's not caffeine. If I sit and meditate, I can get them to ease up some. I wonder if it's inflammation? And if so, inflammation needs time to heal... doesn't it? I'm taking NSAIDs daily in meantime and it helps.

If I don't improve in the next 2 months, I'll seek a way to get away and focus on healing. I have some ideas about what that would entail but I'm not going to bother making a plan until it happens that I cannot get any recovery here, in place. There are still many, many, many things I can do to try to get real improvement.

I have poor-people insurance and sleep studies have been suggested many times by PCP in the past, but I need a special referral. I don't know why we never did one. Thing is, if feel like if I tell doc or any med pro "I drink coffee" or "I work on laptop at night before bed" they will say those things contribute to problems. And sure they do. But many people do those things and don't have the continued issues I have.

Woke up with enlarged gland/node in my throat. Who knows if it's related to anything. That's an old symptom that seems to come around often enough since mold. I'm a little mad at my traitorous body/brain right now. I do want to do the right things, the good things, to heal.

Book, I think you're right, in general. I am still very much "stressed" and stress is the problem as to why my body is reacting this way. It may be I have some long standing sleep issues, too, just worse now, because I have had trouble getting to sleep and waking up since I was a small child.

"We know that emotionally charged thoughts such as worry or fear cause production of stress hormones, the best known of which is cortisol. Cortisol impacts the body in many ways, promoting a loss of minerals from the body and increasing the acid load – which is bad for your bones." -- (from Google search about "stress cause acidity in body")

^^ So stress can cause acidity in the body. There is such a thing as alkaline water, and I can buy a gallon of it for $3 at my drug store. It's no harm to try drinking that water all day for a week to see if my headaches will ease up, to see if it helps the adrenaline surges.

And no laptop in bed anymore, which is going to be a tough habit to break. There are a couple of steps I can try to get some improvement. And thank you guys for reminding me. I need to do all the right things and... well, old habits die hard but this is important. Thank you.

This is clearly a cortisol/stress issue... which is unsettling to me. We all have stress in our lives and we need for our bodies to hold up under the stress. I wonder if I just haven't had ENOUGH stress for awhile. I pulled a chart off the Internet a few days ago, "How to Lower Your Daily Stress." It has a lot of good advice, most of it related to cultivating a peaceful mindset during the day. I just wonder if I'm not a little too "fried" for simple Attitude of Gratitude stuff to work, though. I AM grateful for where I am, I have no major problems, my needs are met, yes I'm worried about my health and getting good job but... I'm not THAT concerned about it. I could get a job any week I decide to get one (not the right one, but one that would pay bills) and I know that my body/brain isn't ready for that right now, but hopefully soon.

I'll try to go easy, and I think I do maintain a decent balance right now. So many things I'm working on right now are all for ME, things I want to do. I'm just not sleeping well and it's a PROBLEM. :-/

Thanks.

Ali, I had sleep issues for years and headaches when I got up. Before we got married PJ brought me all of these articles on sleep hygiene. I think it was his not so subtle way of saying he didn't want to live with someone who wondered the house at all hours of the night. I followed all of them and I am sleeping much better and no headache everyday. I also got rid of my digital alarm clock. Also blocked the digital panel on the cable box. Hope that you get some solutions.

Alibobali: I'm not in any way endorsing this type of practioner, but a friend of mine is seeing an acupuncturist & is having great results with her health issues. This practioner takes a health history & coordinates her treatment with the person's traditional medical care. My friend did her research & got some referrals from her Tai Chi colleagues. I know $$ is an issue as this is not usually covered under standard health insurance. Also there are scammers out there. Just a thought...

Hi everyone! Thank you to everyone for what you wrote, I read everything twice. It means a lot to me to feel validated. This has been such a weird, unexpected twist in the journey....

I feel better today, for having had a big emotional day yesterday. I am kind of regrouping today. Got to get my mind on the banking and bills tonight, which is my least favourite thing in the world. Plus the regular chores. So I can't be emotional, or s*** won't get done!

I don't have anything helpful to say about sleep. I have the worst rock star sleep habits of any person I know.

ali - you have been given some good advice.

I would say definitely no coffee/caffeine after say 6. You may be a slow acetylator. "That’s the technical term for the chemical process that your liver uses to detoxify any foreign element that makes it into your body. Drugs, alcohol, and even prescription medications are all ready by your liver as toxins that must be cleansed from your system." (Dr. Peter D'Alamo). I am and cannot handle much caffeine at all.

As regards blue light and the computer, you can download a free program - f.lux -
which alters the light on your computer to reduce its effect on sleep patterns

Stress is a big one and for help with that I think you need to go to the source of the stress and work on that. I know therapy is expensive, but there may be be a group that you could join that is free - survivors of childhood abuse or something like that might help reduce your stress.

I would not be surprised if you have CFS.

Take care of you. Lower your expectations of yourself, wrap yourself in cotton wool for a while. Try to relax.

dori - validation is very important. "banking and bills ... which is my least favourite thing in the world". Mine too except for filing!

In a bit of a tizzy here _R is coming up late tonight, going to an interview tomorrow and after it we head south. DD was here and did some cleaning. I did some cooking and will freeze some tomorrow to have when we come back. Laundry is done, and I will start packing tonight and finish tomorrow. Contacted a real estate guy re selling the lot and will bring papers down and get together with him while I am there. I over ]did it a bit today,-but will recover. Need to bring papers for mother, papers for real estate, papers and meds for the cataract surgery, bank papers, insurance papers... and I hate pprwrk! It's mind numbing!

Take care all, Have a good evening!

Golden, Have a safe trip and I hope your cataract surgery goes well.

Stress of the holidays is starting to rear it's ugly head. Thanksgiving thru the Super Bowl is the bad season for psychologists. Got to my office this am and voicemail was full. Groups were full. PJ said his office was much the same. He's out running in the cold to get rid of his stress. I went for a wall after dinner and listened to a waterfall Program from CALM. Tomorrow's another day.

ABB, do you recall in all my previous comments about waking up in the middle of the night with a pounding headache? For me, this is unusual. My usual headaches would be pounding headaches all day/all night for months. Non-stop. Then... suddenly no more headaches... Then back to all day/night pounding headaches for weeks/months. I do know that stress is a contributor. But it's not all stress.

Lately, when I've been waking up with the pounding headache, I review what I've eaten the day before. I really should have a food journal.... What I Think is causing my headache (food allergy), I would test this theory. I would continue to eat it daily. Then I stop for several days. If my headache goes away - then I'm allergic to that food... I bought a large bag of dried fruits. Yep, that's a no-no. Nuts - almonds, walnuts, peanuts, pistachios, sunflower seeds and ... the latest - pumpkin seeds - are all no-nos. Again thru my testing method.... I'm now testing the delicious (yum!!!!) Delicious Red Apples. I bought a large bag of it, and eat one apple around 10pm every night. I noticed that the nights I eat it, I would wake up with pounding headache and ears ringing. I finally stopped 2 nights ago .. because I found a lot of tiny rashes all over my back and inching towards my stomach. Yep, no more apples. No more waking up with pounding headache and ringing ears.... Do you think maybe your headaches are linked to something you're either allergic to or have intolerance?

Book, Food allergies are a nuisance, but you can figure them out. I'm allergic or have developed an intolerance to walnuts.

Golden, f.lux is awesome, thank you so much! It's a nice tool to help me, since I am on laptop all day, every day sometimes. :)

Book, in my case, I know what I'm experiencing recently are adrenaline surges, so then I know my stress hormones are too high in the evenings. I don't know the cause of headaches but if I can't get sleep, then I can't do an isolation diet (isn't that what it's called, what you described...?) to test for food allergies. I know I'm not allergic to most common: wheat, dairy, eggs, peanuts.

I slept about 20 hours the past 30 hours. Is that possible??? Lol. I was only awake a few hours and then slept again -- beautiful, restful, un-sedated sleep.

That's great, but I can't take off a day when needed to catch up on sleep, so a better pattern overall is necessary.

And... no alcohol at all for the month of December. I suspect that my "couple of drinks" now and then could be contributing to rising cortisol, too. "I'm not drinking very much" but I am still drinking too much, I think, and blood sugar is off and cortisol is off and these things are very much impacted by alcohol intake. I was reading how the increased cortisol increases the pleasurable effect of alcohol, and more alcohol increases the cortisol. Kinda the very definition of addictive behavior...

I was reading about adrenal fatigue and there were some things that really hit home: how sometimes now even very small minor things can make my head explode, can cause an over-the-top reaction. I wasn't like this before the past 5 years or so; I remember distinctly when I started noticing that I didn't have the ability to deal with small stressors, and it started happening around the onset of panic.

I have some steps to take and I have every reason to think I'll get marked improvement but it's going to take mindful effort. But... I have to. :-) I have to get improvement or things will not work out in my current situation and I'll have to find another route. That wouldn't be the end of the world, but I WANT things to work out here.

Good evening everyone! I would have been in earlier but my stupid leg/hip injury was hurting and I fell asleep after I got mom home from dialysis (speaking of sleep).

I hope I'm not awake all night....but I can sleep in tomorrow - mom always sleeps half the next day after a dialysis day. At least, I am kind of hoping she will sleep. Tomorrow is my birthday and she might want to make a fuss, i.e., spend time with me. I hope not. Is that an awful thing to say about your birthday and the woman who gave birth to you? Lol.

Actually I think I partly fell asleep to get away from her. Last Friday night was when her nasty side came out REALLY BAD. (The whole of last week was like when I was 14 all over again, but Friday in particular....was every Friday night of my childhood, when the really heavy drinking began.) Maybe it's triggered by dialysis. I don't know what the connection between dialysis and dementia is, or why her dementia is so like her alcoholism. I just decided it was safer to avoid her this Friday.

My BFF says she read somewhere that a person's drunk personality and their dementia personality are the same, and who they really are inside. I assume that means who they are with their filters removed. Anybody know much about this? Or....I guess what I'm really interested in is....does anyone know if it's typical for people with dementia to act like they're drunk, or if there's any research on the personality connection at all? I don't even know how someone would study that. You'd have to follow a person's life for decades, and get to know what they're like as a drunk, and even then you'd only have a valid study if they turned out to have dementia. Everything I search for on alcoholism and dementia just talks about how to handle an elderly person who won't quit drinking. Which isn't really what I'm looking for.

Something new...Make sure you didn't eat before you read this.....
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Yesterday(Thursday), When I went into the bathroom after waking up. SOMEONE, left a 'present' on the front portion of the toilet seat.

Part of me was thinking it was my mother's health declining again. Part of me was thinking that my cat was 'royally ticked' at me. Part of me was also wondering if it was one of the two guys who installed the new furnace for the heating oil.

I am pretty sure it wasn't the cat. Because the cat would have fallen in the toilet and drowned.

If it isn't an aspect of my mother's health. It had to be one of the two guy's installing the furnace.

But how did they get it on the front, instead of the back.

I once allowed a grown man to use our office bathroom. I can understand a little boy missing the toilet, but a grownup man? He spilled pee onto the floor and didn’t even bother to clean it up. Worse, he left the toilet seat up! .. oh my gosh, even when I use the public bathroom, I clean after my mess!

My brother told me that men’s bathroom are so disgusting. I didn’t realize this until I used the men’s bathroom during a pit stop on the drive to Las Vegas. I walked into the bathroom and stopped. I didn’t know where to walk without stepping on the disgusting floor. It had urine, poop mess smeared. When done, a lady was waiting to use it after me. I warned her ahead of time. My brother said that’s the norm ...another time, we were at a fast food restaurant in the military base. We both went to use the restroom. When we met afterwards, he asked me how was the women’s bathroom. Was it clean?.. yeah, it was clean. He sighed and shook his head. He said that the men’s bathroom was gross. He asked again if the women’s bathroom was really clean. Yes....

Dorianne, my father was an alcoholic. He was sober 10-12 years when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. He was very quiet and docile once he got sober and he continued to be that way during his illness with Alzheimer’s. I think a persons behavior with dementia is individual. The sweetest kindest person can become violent when they have Alzheimer’s/dementia.

What part of the brain is involved at the beginning of Alzheimer's determines the course of the disease and behaviors to a great extent. It's considered a very individualized disease. There are many commons features, but some behaviors may be more unique.

thx upset. We got here safely and not too late despite side trips in the city to find a place to fix R's cell phone. I have read that the next few months are particularly bad for stress, which will be hard on you and PJ. Running and walking are great ways to relieve stress. Hearing all the sad tales, seeing the dysfunction must be tough.

Book - you have so many allergies. Very tough to wind your way through them in terms of food and meds. Re rest rooms - Yuck, just yuck! Once, at the U of A, I walked into a men's bathroom by mistake. It was just as clean as the women's.

ali - hope that f.lux helps. My dd found it. So glad you got some sleep. Those of us from dysfun fams do "freak out" about things sooner than others do, and that makes life harder to handle and increases stress responses - freaking out about freaking out sort of thing. Anything we can learn to do to decrease our "over reactions" helps. Let go and let God helps me. You are making progress. I suspect the alcohol is not helping anything. For me, working on the lifestyle basics - diet, sleep habits, exercise, stress reduction, type of stuff pays off. Self care, not self indulgence, makes for long term benefits. Build in some enjoyment - however simple.

chris - no fun. I suspect your mother did it, but I think you have to wait and see if it becomes a pattern. Not a nice thing to wake up to at all!!!

dori - hope your leg/hip is getting better. Have you planned anything for your birthday" Not wanting to spend it with mum was a normal for me. I don't think it is awful, though the reasons for it may be. The return to the times when you were 14 is the very reason why hands-on caregiving of the abuser is not recommended for a person who been abused. Sometimes the "whys" of the source of a person's behaviour are not that helpful. Stress of any kind (e.g dialysis) will tend to make behaviour worse whether it is alcoholism or dementia or...  As sharyn and uset say, the behaviours are very individual. Sometimes a sweet person turns nasty, sometimes a a nasty person turns sweet, sometimes they retain their original personality. Despite the vascular dementia, mother is still mother, though somewhat subdued by meds.

Well, plans may have changed again. R's interview was very positive and if he gets it he is supposed to start next Wednesday. (That is not unusual with safety jobs. There was a fatality and that means they need more safety people stat!). They asked if that was OK and he mentioned my surgery Friday. They said they will call Monday. Then his cell phone crashed. Dd has a surgeon's appointment Friday, so I don't want to use her as a back up. Couldn't get a hold of middle son who is probably too busy at work anyway. Oldest son is recently unemployed with Sears closing, but he is in another city and doesn't drive. That leaves it to oldest grandson who is the city, working part time, and free that day, though he doesn't drive either. He is a sweetie. Friday is his birthday, and his answer was, though he hadn't intended to spend his day that way, it was a family emergency, so, of course he would. We discussed logistics, and he assured me he would call 911 if anything happened to me. I said I needed someone with me for the first day or so, if it was OK with him,  he could stay at the hotel, which has a hot tub, and I would take him out for some nice meals. He sounded quite pleased about that. So we have a back up plan in place. It will involve a lot of taxis, but it can work.

aside to guest - dgs is on new meds and it is making a huge difference. He is much more "with it" and communicative.

Meanwhile, I have developed a cold and need to get rid of it by next Friday. Should be able to do that.

Need some gratitude here - was very happy the last cataract surgery went as well as it did, and am anticipating that this one will too. Very thankful for family support too.

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Are you sure you weren't sleepwalkin again?

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So funny and thoughful of you to provide the warning, then pauses before we read.
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Have a great next bike ride!
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Golden, when I was age 19, visiting older sis in Hawaii, we were eating at a fast food restaurant. I drank too much soda and needed to go. The restroom at that time was only for one person at a time. I must have been bouncing on my feet waiting for my turn because the male employee told me that I can go ahead and use the men's restroom. It was clean, too. When I opened the door to exit, a man was standing waiting. He looked at me, he looked up at the sign over the door, and then looked at me. I recalled blushing from embarrassment - and fled without saying anything.

Send - I read your comment above on my Newsfeed and I broke up laughing so hard.  All that . . . . . . line spacing...  Hurt my upper chest muscle from all that jiggling. =)

I worked with male college athletes for about 9 years. Most of my time was spent in buildings without a ladies restroom. I found them very clean. One of guys would always stand outside the door so that no one walked in on me. My own office was in the football complex. I shared a restroom/shower room with 9 coaches - never a problem. We had our own lockers and I kind of knew their practice schedules and office hours.

It goes both ways for messy bathrooms regarding gender. Retail bathrooms get hit hard by both. It is a shame when employees have to use the bathroom the general public uses. Some stores I’ve worked at had employee bathrooms.

Long day, had the boys from 7-5 today, ugh! I did get away for a couple hours to get a little Christmas shopping done. Both hubs and I are beat tonight.

Golden, I hope the job works out for R. I hope the week goes well for you regarding the surgery.

Have a good night everyone.

Happy bday, Dori. Hope you were able to do something fun for yourself. Today is ts2's bday too. Sent her a card.

Golden hope the cataract surgery goes well.

Sharyn, those younguns are full of energy aren't they! And all day?! Not at all surprising you are whipped!

Bought a new car today, 4runner have wanted one for many years!

The full moon....
The mailman was here today, I saw him drive up, put some mail in the box as I stood on the porch.
Later, when I went out with the key to get the mail, there was nothing there!

There will be 3 consecutive full moons, called Supermoons on Dec. 3, January 1, and January 31. The last one will be a Supermoon and a lunar eclipse! (A lunar eclipse is when the moon gets darkened by the earth's shadow.)

Happy Birthday Dorianne!  And for all those birthdays in December, here is your birthday and christmas presents combined into one!  ha ha ha, lol. Bwah ha ha, your whole life long!

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Bookluvr,  Thanks, but Chris started it!


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Happy Birthday Dori! Mine is fast approaching too. Sagittarians rock!

Congrats on the new car Glad! Sounds great.

Dori, Sharyn, My Birthday was last Saturday. Happy Birthday to you both!

Glad, My younger brother has had several Rav 4's. 4 Runner is the bigger model isn't it. He loves them. Congratulations! Buying a new car is fun.

Happy Birthday Sharyn!

Did anyone read where the horoscope dates were now changed? I'm sure I did read it somewhere. I think.
Yeah, Nasa corrected the dates.....
Ophiuchus: November 29 – December 17

Sagittarius: December 17 – January 20

Does that make you Ophiuchus or Sagittarius?

Thanks Send, I read about it last year. I will stay Sagittarius by choice, don’t follow it anyway, lol!

I'm a bit upset. My brother & his wife must have been in their bedroom with the TV blasting. OMG! Their grownup kids (both have their own homes) were yelling at each other. I couldn't hear much because I had my radio on. I just heard a lot of yelling, escalating. Then, more voices joined in. Their younger bro just came home and saw that his 2 older sibs were yelling at each other. He joined in to tell his older bro to leave, to go home. WWIII erupted. Then oldest bro brought in his sis' boyfriend into the argument. She got angry and said, you want to bring my bf, then I will bring in your wife! He said no. What, it's ok for you to talk about my bf but I cannot talk about your wife?.. on and on.. I couldn't believe these were 3 grown ups (over age 30) fighting like little kids!... I heard their mother come out. But it was just escalating. I went out because I can tell, from past experiences, that it was now to the point of about to get physical. I stood on my porch, watching. I didn't say anything. Just watching. Then I saw oldest son launch towards to his younger brother saying he was going to kill him. I saw his sister trying so hard to stop her bigger older brother. She almost lost her grip. I lost it. I yelled (I have a very loud voice) into the quiet night, "NO PHYSICAL! NO PHYSICAL! Yelling is fine. ONCE YOU BECOME PHYSICAL, I'M CALLING THE POLICE AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE FAMILY. I WILL CALL THE POLICE!"... They all stopped and stared at me. Then, youngest boy had to open his d*rn mouth. This is the son who has NO job, a gf (no job either) and a son - all living off my oldest bro. Older boy was determined to beat up his younger brother who kept egging him on. I wanted sooo badly to tell youngest boy to shut up because he is a bum who has no incentive to support his family but to live off his parents. Nothing he owns is really his.... In the end, my brother came out and they stopped. My brother has followed my dad's abusive cycle. (He had no shame using his pregnant wife's belly as a punching bag to punish her - in front of us and dad. Dad finally had to step in - because hitting the pregnant stomach was a no-no...) When it calmed down, I walked to oldest nephew, and I forced a hug on him. He was so stiff with anger. Then, I turned to niece, opened my arms wide and said that I need to hug her. I did all the hugging and I whispered that I'm so sorry. (I know her older brother's words hurt her deeply.) It's sad that my 2 older brothers and their sons are repeating the cycle that dad to them, and his father to him, etc...

I was so upset because it was bringing up past feelings when I was younger. Helplessness. Fear. I would have called the police if they started physically fighting. I cannot go through that again. I'm not a child to hide and watch what was happening. I'm an adult. And if I have to call the cops, I will. I hate this feeling of helplessness and traitor! I'm still upset... I thought writing it here would help. It's not... I feel soooo like a traitor to the family.... I go listen to my current favorite xmas singers Pentatonix to ease my mind.

So sorry Book. There you are, being the peacemaker in the family, and suffering for it.
Take some deep breaths. It is a tough role to be the only one making any sense.
If you hadn't done that, the neighbors would have called the police, and there would be consequences for your family.
You did what was right, give yourself a hug, or pat on the shoulder.