notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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welcome gidget. That's a pretty uncomfortable situation. As upset said - you have to set boundaries and stay out of their arguments/manipulations. I think I would set the limit about arguing at your place. Let them know they are welcome to visit, but not to argue when they do. If they are going to argue they should stay home, or leave That sounds pretty tough. but you have to be with narcs or they will walk all over you and suck you into their dramas. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
book - sounds like theft is a big problem. The next door neighbours, who are from the Philippines, have fenced their place though we have had only one attempted break-in all the time I have lived there. The Philippine gals, I had staying with me at one point, were very concerned about security.
My head is spinning with all the appointments/business we are trying to accomplish this trip, not that there isn't more waiting to be dealt with at home. Got the results from the lab tests re the soda, and they are not benign, so I must not say any more from now on, but that this will require more time and effort. Signed a contract to sell the cottage lot yesterday. Must start eye drops for upcoming surgery. No call re R's last job interview so it looks like that is a bust. It makes life easier for me, but it is a bit disappointing for him. However, we do have faith that the right job will come at the right time. We got his phone fixed yesterday and the little place that did it is a gem. Great service. We wasted 2 hrs in West Ed Mall while they serviced it. Haven't done that in ages. Case meeting for mother tomorrow and maybe a appointment. Another appointment Thursday, surgery Friday, then I will take it easy for a couple of days. Deep breaths!!!
My holidays became sooooo peaceful when I decided to stop spending it with my mother's side of the family. Narc Grandfather is gone now, but he was the main reason I started staying home for the holidays. There is only Aunt, Cousin, and Brother left now. I don't talk to Aunt or Cousin - Cousin is the WORST kind of oozy, fake charming, manipulative, money-grubbing narc, and Aunt (his mom) is bipolar and did some mean stuff to Mom over Grandfather's estate.
Bro....he is not much like the matri-family; he was raised by Dad after the divorce. We fought over him not helping out Mom when she was still living there, and stopped talking for awhile. But now I am taking care of Mom and I have this whole different perspective all of a sudden....I dunno. I hope we can work our stuff out. He sent me a birthday card! It's been years since we did that for each other.
I have all these brotherly guy friends, I've spent years trying to "replace" him, I guess. Best guy friend comes pretty close. But I'd still like to have a relationship with my real brother. It's like....we're the only two people who witnessed the same things growing up, you know? For awhile there we seemed to really understand each other, but then....lately I've been starting to piece together how we drifted apart and ultimately fought, and I'm starting to wonder if it was Mom driving a wedge between us, doing the triangulation thing, you know? Everything I'd come to dislike about him are things Mom told me about him, about his personality, about their interactions....
This isn't what I planned to write about today! Lol. And now I have to go clean the apartment before BGF comes over.
Upsetsister - soooo sorry about the break-in! Ugh, it's such a violating feeling. :-(
golden - when is your surgery?
Big hugs to everyone else! I hafta get the vacuum moving!
hugs to you, dori - surgery Friday not sure what time.
Hey all, good to read and take in about your relationship history with siblings. It helps me to picture what I'm facing in my own life, too. I do think that someone/something has to change significantly for there to be real improvement in these lifelong dys relationships. Apologies and acknowledgement of wrongdoing are good. And... I know I'd respond to a sibling who reached out to me... if for no other reason than because I'm CURIOUS what is going on with them, why they are acting differently. :-P
CM, I'm very curious what you will do, how you will handle this, and if you will grow to regret further contact. I'm not making light of it in the least, but I am curious. You, too, Glad.
Thanks for sharing your stories, everyone. It's very helpful.
Upset, you did say it was first break in of the kind in years but... maybe consider some dummy exterior security cameras, as a deterrent. I put some on the old house because there were break-ins in the area, and it made me feel that I'd taken a small, basic step to prevent teenager-type break ins.
Golden, I'm most definitely a slow acetylator person. It's become noticeably more extreme in past several years. I have intolerance to OTC & Rx meds now that I used to take "Before Caregiving" w/o any issue, intolerance to caffeine now when it was no issue before, lots of new diet sensitivities, etc. Wonder if I can improve this metabolism/liver function...?? I'll read up when I get time. It's ok if it's part of "aging" but I hit the fast-forward button on my body with everything that happened during caregiving years, not just the mental/emotional stress but the biotoxin of bad mold environment. I see physical evidence of it on the outside of my body with gray hair and noticeably aged skin, so makes sense it could've happened on inside, too. I don't care if I can't turn back time but I'd like to make the best of it. It's been such a change and it's been difficult to know if it's permanent change or some things that can be reversed, as caregiving fades into the past. I guess I'll find out. ;-)
So thankful for all of you.
I took boxes and boxes of silver/silver-plate trays and some of my own jewelry and other things to consignor today. I take another load tomorrow. I hope they do a decent job. I have realistic expectations. I kept back a large amount that I would take in the future if these auctions go ok. Fingers crossed. Overall, I'm very happy to be downsizing to a one-person, one-bedroom household. That suits me right now as I find my new-normal post caregiving.
" The rate of acetylation is genetically determined. Approximately 50 percent of African Americans and Caucasians are “slow acetylaters”, and the rest are “rapid acetylaters”; the majority of Eskimos and Asians are “rapid acetylaters." from tmedweb, tulane edu.
I don't think there is anything you can do about it.
The other thing I have been reading that makes me think of you is that one of the triggers for CFS is mold exposure.
Wish I had better news for you.
Hope the consignments do well. Keep up with the downsizing. It is a major but satisfying job.
Ali, you sound like you are settling in nicely and have a lot of good stuff.
I am sort of ok. I am still kind of mourning my girl friend, my cousin, my broken relationship with my sister, my broken family, and most of all this wierd thing of closeness and normality with my mother. That she has to be demented for me to have a close to normal relationship. That spoon feeding her is just another level of what I have always been to her since I can remember. And that I love her so much and even more when I think or remember all that ugly nasty things. Its almost like the devil cant use her anymore she is left to be herself.
Its also scary because she is eating poorly. The stove gas is off and I am in process of choosing a good covection oven where I can bake some mac n cheese and chicken.
I also miss the chit chat and real talk here. I think I have a little depression, I am trying to work out of it. Got real good compliments from my supervisor and my clients mother which was uplifting but left me feeling like something bad is on the way.
I am off tomarrow and I will try to get my mother involved in makeing a chicken in dumpling in a crock pot. I have tried it over and over (for years) my son told me as a teen to give it up. lol. The last time bought the chicken and got her to make it, I didnt even get any. I have fun with her now in the kitchen, like watching how dainty she is, never realized it. Like her mother. Now if I can trick her into making the dumplings, (thats my problem) I can do the rest (which is not much) and maybe she will eat it.
Ali good luck with the sales. There are people out there who love that good quality stuff and will spend. I wish you the best and good returns.
Rays of love light and peace to all of you. Got much love in my heart for you all.
Oh, and the same sibling also took family heirlooms from Dad and sold them, without telling any of the other family members or asking us if we wanted them. And because he did that while Dad was still alive, and Dad agreed to it (said sibling kept the emails from Dad as proof that it was "above board" - what a dear son, bless his little heart), we have no recourse. The rest of us wouldn't have sold them for money, we would have kept them in the family, as was mom's intention. I swear, that man has no soul. He's been like this for years, but no one ever confronts him. Jacka$$.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Actually, I'm just sad. I do not enjoy the thought of sister going through what sounds like a heap of trouble without anyone she feels she can talk to. Niece is furious with her father (Daughter 1 says, that is - I don't know this first-hand) but that just means you wouldn't want to make her even angrier. Nephew 3 is said to have said "whatever" and moved on. But even if your children would applaud you for it, ditching a 30 year marriage is not something you do without wanting to chew it over properly first. You want someone to hear the gory details, and agree with you whatever you decide.
I don't think she's got that sort of friend.
But Golden you're right, that still doesn't mean I'd do instead. I suppose that's what I'm sad about, that neither of us has a sister we want.
And yes expecting that to change would be insane. I have one very powerful memory - I was five so sister would have been thirteen, and we were sent out on an errand. There was a busy road to cross and I took her hand, as I'd been taught. She literally said "ugh! Get off!" and shook me off.
I'm sure she would like to like me. The truth is, she can't, as repeated attempts have shown.
Whirled, my brother told my sister and me he wanted Mom's car in backyard of Mom's house the night she died. His wife wanted my sister to immediately transfer title of the house we would be splitting to be in all 3 names. From the outside, my bro had money (inside, they spent every penny as they got and my mom gave them money). Tell whoever wants their money you have to go through probate and that takes approximately 6 months. Have your lawyer draft a letter if you need to - legit expense of the estate and reduces sibling gripes. Voice of experience here:((( I love my brother, but he's a jacka$$.
Upsetsister - I haven't read about your overall story, so I don't know if your niece's children's guardians would have ulterior motives. But, I can say that I recently got reconnected with a great aunt, and I'm very glad I did. She's in her 70's now, and I wish we had reconnected earlier in life. Do the guardians know you very well? Maybe they want the girls to know as much of their "family of origin" as possible? For some people, that's very important. On the flip side, I completely understand being wary. My parents can't do so much as sneeze without me being wary, lol!! I guess all you can do is start carefully, and go from there. Best of luck with it!
DDDuck, I completely understand that! Again, I haven't read your overall story, but if it's anything like mine, then we have been trained to expect that anything positive will always be followed by something negative. But that doesn't have to be true. Here's hoping the good stuff will continue for you!
Upset, I think it's for the best. My stepsister once told me that she'd been moved so many times and had various "relatives" as caregivers that it really made her attachment issues worse. Any overnight stay caused stress as "is this the new forever home" and fears of dumping arose.
I don't know how I fit in anymore,, not sure if I'm protecting myself and wanting to forget about the past, or if I have anything relevant to add any longer, now that my caregiving days are over. It's a strange place to be, but do know that I really do care about you all, and that you all helped me in so many ways over the past few years! Sometimes it's painful to continue to think about it, but also possibly part of the grieving process too, trying to forget about it.
For the most part our dysfunction has ended, though my husband still struggles with his past, and his relationship with his brother, his sister hasn't so much as called, and that's fine too.
My husband has completed his dispursment of his Fathers Will and wishes, so that is behind him.
Or house renovations are coming along, the carpet is all in, new linoleum, new stove, all of my new furniture is in and looks great! Now all we need to do is put back all of the Chotskies that were boxed up, but we've gotten rid of many cabinets and tables, so no place to put everything back, and not sure if I want to do all of that, as many do not fit in with my new decorating scheme having decided to go with a new look, Lol!
I'm feeling so much better, and no new or ongoing heart symptoms, so that is good! I'm feeling good, and sleeping better than I have in years!
Had a phone call form Bb, the first one we ignored and didn't pick up, but we answered the second call, in which he tried to guilt my husband because hubby failed to call and check up on him after his supposed surgery. The thing is that he cried wolf so many time in the past about his health crisis and maladies, that we just don't know what is real or true or not, and why couldn't his wife have called to tell us how he was doing? I just stay out of it!
When I spoke to him for a few brief moments, he tried to tell me that it was my my husband who was acting weird during the trip hubby made to see him, hence the reason why he blew him off during his visit, well what was hubby supposed to do, beg him to ask him to join him in his errands that kept him from being accessible during his visit? No, my hubby is not that kind of guy, so he'd just as soon be ignored, and stay in his hotel room all alone for 4 days. All told, hubby spent about 3 hours with his brother over the course of 5 days, the rest of the time, all he got was excuses for how busy brother was, sad really. I know this because hubby called me 10 times a day, so no vacation for me either!
So now my husband has put up secure boundaries, and wishes his brother well, put a fork in it, he's done!
Upset, so sorry to hear about the break in at your help center, that's horrible, especially during the holiday season, when so many need additional support!
To those who are struggling with new dysfunctional sibling interference, remember to guard your hearts! I know it must be very difficult to want resolution or at least a civil relationship, but you all know your history, and what got you to this point in the first place, is it repairable, IDK. Try not to add additional stress, especially during the holiday season! I am so thankful for having great relations with my 5 siblings, and wouldn't know what I'd do without them.
A couple of weeks ago, we (all 6 of us) had lunch, along with 3 cousins, and it was so nice to be together as it doesn't happen all that often any more, especially my 2 brothers, as one now lives about 50 miles away, and my younger brother has school age kids, starting his family later in life. Oh how I wish you all could have a family like mine!
I've barely started my Christmas shopping, nothing decorated yet, so Way behind the 8 ball, with house renovations! Time to get my butt in gear! New bed arrived yesterday, so putting that together today, yea looking forward to that!
Happy holidays to you All!
whirled - I am sorry for the antics of your family. Some are so greedy at these times. I have seen it. So glad reunion with your aunt worked well. I am wary like you with my sister.
cm - I identify with that - only neither of us have the sister we want - subtle difference. My sis wants contact with me, but she also wants to hurt me. I can't allow that. She would prefer that I was more like her - not going to happen. That is a very powerful memory. I have a few of those. They speak volumes.
upset - I think you are wise to be cautious. You have had more than your share of family cr*p and you don't need any more. I think it a bit presumptuous of them to suggest the girls stay over with you. Boundaries!!!
guest - the voice of experience speaks, indeed. Having a lawyer intervene was a good thing.
stacey thx. Got the 12:15 slot for surgery which works well with not eating 4 hrs before. I am sorry you are feeling out of place. You are still actively grieving not just fils passing, but the burden on you and hub all those years, and to add to it hub's sibs behaviour, which is inexcusable. You know you are always welcome. I am so glad your health and sleep have improved. I was getting worried about you. Your family is a great support and I am glad for you. The renos sound great. I know you are enjoying them. Hope you have a great holiday season this year without the extra burden of caregiving.
Just taking it easy before mother's case meeting. I trust all will be well. No news is good news.
The police have arrested two young men - both 20 years old. They are both the sons of caregivers who have attended the center - but not active participants. Their mother's stopped in this morning wanting me to drop charges. I thought that the thieves would have sold the electronics, but they didn't. Items the police recovered had been been beaten with hammers and soaked with paint and paint thinner. It was destructive and malicious. I could have understood if had been sold for cash. We aren't going to reopen until 1/3/2018. Very disheartening.
We always told our kids that we would not bail them out of trouble, and thankfully none of them have everything been in trouble, so it looks like we made an impression! Lol! We meant every word!
Again, I'm so sorry, as this time of year, those caregiver really need a good place to go to rejuvenate, and you provided that great service, especially during the holiday season! What a shame, I do hope that you are able to recover your losses, and be up and running soon!
Happy Birthday to all you December babies!
Their job was to case the joint?
Doing a background check online would not hurt, but guess that would be over the top.
Wishing you many blessings in dealing with the public, Upset.
My sister hired a security guard to be outside, because this is a cruel world.
It is good that you are being careful. You said the mothers had not participated, but in groups, where people share their stories, I believe an astute observer can pick up on their lifestyles, indicating potential for trouble. imo.
Our senior center requires an application for participation, for volunteering and for benefits/services.
Golden, speedy recovery from the surgery on Friday. I hope all goes well with the case manager. Hoping for the right position to become available for R.
Ali, I hope you are feeling better. You received a lot of good information from everyone.
State of emergency in SoCal Hollywood Hills from fire. Such a shame to see my home state burning this year.
Off today, not feeling to well from headache and shoulder stiffness. My hip hurt a lot during the night so I could not get comfortable. I took a nap this afternoon and feel better now.
My health insurance will be effective January 1st. Not in a hurry to use it for anything as I hope to stay healthy!
I’m giving kitty love to tiger as I type, he is such a cuddle bug cat. He’s not a fan of Buster but tolerates him well.