The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Upsetsister - I tried reading back in the thread again, 'cos I feel I missed something somewhere the first time! But I do hope you'll stick around. I have found your input soooo valuable. You see things with more than one "lens" and that's really helpful. BUT....if you feel the need for a break or something, I wouldn't want you to feel pushed into sticking around. Just know that I appreciate you very much! Also I understand the stress of what you're going thru with the break-in. I worked in a non-profit org. for 11 years, and we had 2 break-ins in that time. We could ill-afford to lose anything, and it just felt really violating. I hope there's a special place in hell those who pick on places like community service agencies.

golden - just a note, in case I don't make it back in here today, that I wish you lots of luck for your surgery tomorrow! I will be thinking of you!

Thanks everyone for your input on the mom situation last night. It seems like such a weird, little thing in retrospect, but....I think it's the constant build-up of ever-changing moods and unpredictability that gets me so riled up. And the triggers from childhood....I remember when mom was drinking, I never knew which was worse: the mean and nasty side of her, the pathetic feeling-sorry-for-herself/refusing-to-take-responsibility-for-changing side of her, or the lovey-dovey let-me-get-all-up-in-your-space side. To this day, I cannot spend time around drunks.

I think sometimes I come off as a cold person, but it's really just that I don't want to risk letting anyone ooze past my boundaries anymore. I try to be open to new people, but if new people break my trust, I just cut them off. Which IS kinda cold, I guess. It's just self-protection, though.

Upset, yes you trigger terrible memories of ts1. And it does not hurt, I just shake my head at all that happened over the four years that I cared for my mom and L. You don't know this, but I also lost my best friend, we had been together for about 12 years. TS1 did not believe that he had passed and even had the gall to call his brother , who she had never met or even talked to, a US district court judge to find out if it was true. Made her feel important, I guess. Anything for her to make her feel involved, caring and helping others. She actually thought this was her business. She has serious issues and needs therapy herself. She didn't even believe my mom was as sick as she was. Then blamed me for her not wanting to see or visit mom, because I was there.

It is nothing that you specifically said or did, just my own baggage, I guess. Sorry if I hurt you, certainly was not my intent.

There's a lot of trauma with everyone who posts in this thread.  We both seek and give a lot of trust and support here.  I know we all benefit from keeping this a safe space.

Hey all, well I hate that I'm obsessed with my sleep or lack of lately, but it's definitely controlling my life. If I could sleep a set 8 hours on schedule each night, and feel rested after that, I would double my productivity. I was able to sleep after 2 Valium last night but then I had to sleep late, and got very little done during the day. Still, it was a good enough of a day, and I'm grateful.

I want to churn out my Christmas cards but it's midnight, so it will wait one more day. I took 3mg Melatonin and I'm hoping to sleep. :-D Good night! Hope everyone had a good day, and take care.

Send, meltdowns are real with Autism. Hard enough with a child, can’t imagine dealing with an adult.

Ali, I know I have told all before about zquil, works wonders for me. Another thing that works well for me is half a peanut butter sandwich and a glass of milk. 😁

Hope your surgery goes well today, Golden.

So, I got locked out of my account last night and it was terrible!

Just a quick drive-by wave, as I've got to take mom to dialysis shortly. Big hugs to anyone who needs one today!

Hello everyone, I'm fairly new here. I've read a lot of comments on AC now and some of your posts have helped me believe what is happening in my dysfunctional family is Real. That's my sticking point in detachment. I just can't believe my family members are really acting this way.
My mom has gone rogue and fired her doctor(without telling him - he had to figure that out from the request for records from the new dr), causing her to lose the minimal medicare home care she was receiving and has chosen a doctor not affiliated with the expert (oncology) facilities in the area. She has also skipped appointments for further dementia tests, and now says she doesn't think she needs to see the cardiologist, because 'nothing has changed'. She has chf. (I think she missed her appt for that this week too) This after a serious illness, visit to e.r., etc.
This is the fruit of the rest of the family telling her they don't like the dr and her being mad at his nurse when she was still in delirium from an infection. So after some thought last night, I decided to check on her this morning (by phone) and told her to just keep in mind that there's another affiliated medical center across town if she has trouble with the new doctor. I am so tired of the poor choices, but no one has poa yet, her and dad (who I think also has some kind of dementia) have each other's with the local family in line after that. I can do nothing but make suggestions.
I'm sorry I haven't read most of the 27,000 comments here! ; \

Hi Branchingout, don't bother reading back the 27k comments, unless you want to, and just jump in. "Get in where you fit in" around here. ;-)

Is your mom against giving DPOA to someone? Or has it just not gotten done yet? You say no one has it but then her husband, your dad, is the one that has it? But he doesn't see any problems with her actions... and you think that's because he's also slipping into dementia issues.

I think you're right, and all you can do at this stage is make suggestions and hope for the best.

Glad, I take the Zzzquil sometimes but the diphenhydramine can make me feel groggy the next day, too. I'm trying to find something that allows me to get to sleep but wake up rested, not groggy. We'll see if these melatonin melts help anything.

Golden, hope surgery went well and you're resting up.

Aslaug speaks from beyond the grave, "All I want is safe passage", as she is murdered by Lagertha.
That is all anyone wants on the whine thread and the dysfunctional thread.

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Golden, hope all went well. Thinking of you.

welcome branching -hard when family members don't cooperate.

thx all I am fine. Surgery went well. I slept in the car on the way back and again at the hotel when we got back.

Signed with a realtor re the cottage lot who had a family member I used to know up north years ago, He has since died but I got his widow's phone number.

We saw 2 condos and were impressed with one. There is one more we want to see and 2 town houses. The young realtor who showed us the condos is a very nice guy and we will stay with him. One town house is in a seniors "village" which has a good feeling.This unit even has a stairmaster going to the basement and a walk in tub there.

We did very well with another appointment, so have some good resource people here.

R is finishing up what he can do with one project this winter and researching another one a neighbour wants done, which will be quite interesting. No job so far.but he enjoys doing these projects.

Time to crash again Nite all

Hi Branchingout, sounds like it's going to get worse with the parents. Do you want to get POA? Your mom sounds like a controller. I don't think she would be willing to give you this. I'm wondering if you might try POA for your father. Approach him rationally. I'd read up everything about POA before doing this. Learn the different kinds so that you explain to him very simply and factually (not emotionally) WHY it's important he has POA.

My dad refused POA because his brother gave his wife POA. When he was seriously sick, his wife used the POA to spend extravagantly, out on the town, etc... My dad refused to have anyone to have that kind of power over him.

Your dad might also have this fear. And I wouldn't blame him, either! It's very important to allay his fears with facts and calmness. Of course, your mom might come along and derail all this, telling him not to trust you, etc.... But at least you tried, right?

If you click on those 3 lines on the top left, you can do a search on POA. Below is one that I found to start you off....

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/difference-between-poa-durable-power-of-attorney-living-will-140435.htm

Golden, I rarely comment to you when you post. Actually, I do that to a lot of people here. I just like to read everyone's posts. I thought a condo sounds nice - no maintenance required by you. Then R - who is an outdoor person - then that cabin sounds nice .. except when it's winter time.... Then you mentioned the community place. That even sounds nice, too... Boy, I don't want to be in your shoes trying to figure out where to live!

Also, I hope your surgery is successful.

One more... to Sharyn and the mooing cows. I read Send's comment about it lowing. I stared at lowing vs mooing. I like mooing so much better because I can actually hear it 'mooooo' ing! ... But then again, I spell the word 'aunty'. But most people here, including my family, spells it as 'auntie.' .... I checked google definition... Mooing, lowing, aunty, auntie are just fine to use. Whew... Oh look, the cow is lowing. .. And I would look at the cow, waiting for it to lower itself to the ground. English language can be so confusing if you don't understand that lowing is also mooing. =)

Glad your surgery went well, golden! Been thinking of you all day!

Branchingout - I've only been on this thread a couple of weeks or so, and I read backwards for a dozen pages, but I couldn't manage more. I wouldn't worry about that.

Soooo....I've been thinking about how I need SPACE from mom, especially now I'm figuring out my s*** with family history. The friend subletting my apartment found a job out of town, so he's not going to be in my place in the New Year. I don't think I'll sublet it again. I NEED to be in my own home, at least sometimes. It's going to be tricky with 2 cats to transport back and forth and mom's dialysis schedule (Monday, Wednesday, Friday), but I'm going to figure something out. I don't even see the point in me being here half the time. The day after dialysis she sleeps almost the entire day, sometimes doesn't get up at all, except to use the bathroom and eat crackers or cottage cheese. On Tuesday I had to wake her up just to take her meds.

Not sure how I'm going to work the schedule yet, but the cats should be the easy part. I might have to buy more bedding so I don't have to drag all my blankets and pillows around (I brought them here instead of buying new ones). All my stuff is going to be an issue to manage - clothes, toiletries, everything. I've got to be here at least once a day to make mom do meds, and then there are chores and bills and stuff that she never does.  I can't just slam through it all in a random evening once or twice a week. 

Anyway, I don't know how I'm going to work it, but I KNOW I have to spend some time at home. Even just to remind myself that I do have that one safe place in the world....

AliBB, mom told me during a discussion about Hipaa release that her and dad are each other's poa. Because of her confusion, I don't know if that's true. I told her that I don't want poa, just hipaa release. She does not remember (I think) that they have a will naming the local sibs as poa's for financial and medical. I don't know if it's a living trust, or just a will.
That was a long time ago. I don't know how any of it stands now - there have been feuds. This year, the siblings are deferring to one who is not local but acts "in charge" and has historically acted that way. I suspect that one has no legal power at all but does have emotional control over the parents.
Bookluvr, I do not want and will not seek poa or guardianship. It would be me against all the rest.
dM said she was willing to sign a hipaa form for one particular dr so I could have the medical info, but never followed through with that. Historically, I am the last to find out anything and have discovered a few times that there was serious medical history about other family that I should have reported to my own drs, but was never told earlier.
What I've been watching from afar - a lot of things being magically taken care of now after years of neglect that have to do with the property. It looks how it looks and they are getting things ready to sell. This is getting taken care of, but no one has time to take care of appointments with dM.
Sigh... I find it very difficult to describe this stuff w/o putting identifier type details into it and if I don't answer q's it's because I don't want to be identified online. Just another insidious aspect of dysfunction - being unable to tell the story in plain language because it is better for ME not to experience RAGE from family members. The truth is like poison to these dynamics with them. Ugh.
Anyway, thanks for your help.

Branching, it's fine to use this thread, or any AC thread imo, to simply vent frustration with your parents' situation. I understand your concern for privacy and it's my opinion you can share enough to get some input related to your circumstances and still maintain your privacy. Sendhelp posted some tips about maintaining privacy just a few posts ago. Do what you need to do to feel comfortable posting here.

Based on what you've said, there likely isn't much you can actually DO to improve your parents' situation. However, they are not in crisis mode at this time - again, imo, and based on what you posted - and they are getting support and input from other siblings, which is great, even if you feel that other sibs may not see how bad things have progressed.  It's a worrying time for you, I'm sure.  I'm sorry for that.  Things can get very tough on children of aging parents, taking a toll on our mental wellbeing.  Dysfunctional patterns with family only make things that much worse.  Stick around and get support that you need.  

ETA:  Not trying to sound bossy, Branching, just wanting to offer some supportive thoughts.  There really isn't a "fix" to your current situation imo, as you've described, but the worry can take a toll on you.  If venting is best you can do, it's still something to help you through this time.  :-)  

book - :) Surgery went well. The idea was a condo and a cabin to allow for everyone's needs. I think we have some good options.

branching - I agree with ali that there does not seem to be a fix in your situation other than following up re the Hipaa, I am not sure what your goal is here. I think you are wise not to seek the involvement of POA or guardianship. One goal I suggest is finding ways to keep your stress level down as this all plays out. Sounds like lots of dysfunction and we have to protect ourselves. Venting here sure helps.

Dori I am glad you are planning on spending more time at home. Have you researched the local resources -Agency for Aging for example, or her pcp to see if there is any home help for your mum? Even if someone else could do the daily pills it would take a load off of you. You need to look ahead, as mum will need more and more care and I don't think it is in your best interests to take on more and more. Your mum has Alz, and she will get worse and worse, and eventually require 24/7 care. Look after you!

Ali hope you are getting better sleep. I think stress is a big part of it. I know it is for me.

sharyn - I think of you when I see news of the Cali fires. So sad. Hope the new job is going well.

Went back for the surgery check up early this morning and I mentioned something about my other eye, and he wants me back in on Monday for tests - I think the same as I had a couple of months ago for the mac degen caused by the old bleed which showed nothing new. Apparently my vision in that eye is very good according the most recent optometrist's assessment, so I am not too worried. I will try to arrange a couple of more condo viewings tomorrow night and hopefully Monday will go well and we can head back soon. My new left lens is in the store, so I will get that replaced asap once we are home.

A little cameo:

We went to see mother after the case meeting and she was in bed just waking up from her afternoon nap. She couldn't hear much, so all I could do was hold her hand, kiss her forehead, and tell her I loved her. SeveraL times she said, "Thank you for coming." Then we gazed at one another, as I bent over her bed, and a very slow, small smile crept over her face. She squeezed my hand a few times, and gazed into my soul, and love flowed between us. I have known that the love was there all these years, despite the huge and painful dysfunction of the BPD. It was good to feel it once again, as I have a very few times.

Golden, So happy that your 2nd eye surgery has gone well so far! Hope you're taking it easy! Soon your vision will be that of a kid again! I personally wear contacts, and without them I'm blind as a bat! I would love to have lasix surgery, and may someday still. I've bee told that my lenses are nice and thick, and that I'm a great candidate, so we'll see.

At this point, my hubby has been very generous giving me free licence on spending loads of money on home reno's, and with Christmas upon us, I dare not push him too much, Lol, both of us need to see the dentist here soon, so we'll see if we have any big expenditures there in the near future. I recently cracked a back molar chewing ice, which is a bad habit I've got, so I've curbed that now, gotta hold onto my teeth! Yikes!mm ?

We've still loads to square away here, putting things back, pictures back up on the freshly painted walls. I got rid of a sideboard, and 2 large oak cabinets, plus 3 end tables, intending to replace them with new furnishings, but not before the holidays, as I really wish to think these purchases through, and not jump into anything too quickly. Trying to buy smart, and not regret it later, and there's no hurry, but now I don't have anywhere to put back my many chotskis, plus rethinking my decorating scheme, going with a new look, but what the heck to do with 30 plus years of decorative stuff, and I mean a Lot! Still Trying to pare down, but it's so hard as may things are special to me!

I used to decorate using a lot of Burgundy and gold colors, jewel tones, but now I'm wanting a more modern look, greys, teal, turquoise, silver and black, 'marine coastal" I believe they call it, Pop's of Color. I hope I'll like it when its all done! Gone will be my " Grandma's Cottage look, Lol, though I still Love that look too! Problem is, we have huge expansive wall in our living room, tall ceilings, 2 dome high windows, which are great and bring in a lot of light, but those big walls are expensive to fill up! Thankfully there are loss of options out there, So I will take my time, and do it right, still its difficult for me to live in a "unfinished' environment as it seems so bare, so my spare bedrooms continues to be a storage rooms full of 30 years of knic-nacks, and collectables until I figure out what to do with it all.

Many Years ago we went to a couple of those "Starving Artist" sales, you know the ones that go around on a circuit, hotel to hotel, anyways we bought 4 huge gorgeous oil painting's (wall fillers) all in gold gilt frames, English cottage's, a thatched roof, rivers, English countryside, and 2 I'll definably keep, but need to change out 3 to incorporate my new color scheme. Fave sister wants the other 2, so I'll still enjoy them at her place!

Golden, I'm very excited for you, looking into he Condos, and contemplating a move further South. Funny that it was me who was thinking about selling up, and buying a Condo a few months ago, and now it is you! Our intention now to stay put, at least for a couple of years, the housing market prices permitting. I suppose that should the market skyrocket or some crazy thing, we would join in and ride that wave, but it is very difficult to predict now isn't it?

Hubby and I bought our first house during an upswing in the market, but thankfully prices continued to rise and we made a good profit 4 years later, then bought this house during a downturn, and at today's prices, have more than doubled our money, trouble is, we would still need to purchase a home at equally inflated prices, especially if we wanted to stay local to our 4 kids, and my family. We could do pretty well, if we were to move 40 of 50 miles North of us, but traffic would be a headache, but that is what my eldest brother did, and they Love the peace and quiet, a ways out from the city. Who knows what the future will bring, for now we are still adjusting to our new normal, and enjoying our renovating projects.

Well Dearie, glad your Mom is doing well, and that you had a nice connection with her! So Sweet, I Loved reading about your visit with her! Those soul connections are special indeed! I was Lucky enough to have some of those in the final months with All of our parents, and they mean so much and do give us good memories to hold onto! You take care now, Love, Stace

Quiet here tonight. Night all.🌛

Goodnight Glad!😈

Branchingout, I kind of cringed when I gave you that advice about wanting POA. I felt like I was being a hypocrite but I knew I had to mention it - just in case you wanted to be POA. I have never ever wanted to have POA for either of my parents. Do I regret that decision after the fact? No. I still shudder at the thought of having POA.

Golden, I was so touched with the strong emotional connection you and your mom had. It's something to cherish forever. {{Hugs}}

Edward Hopper, Stacey. Have a look at him.

Moment to treasure, Golden. Look after yourself.

Bookluvr, every other day I have some bright idea that would Solve All the Problems and poa was one of those. Yeah, sure... in a land of rainbows and ice cream sprinkles where everyone's respectful and happy. lol. In reality, it would be WWIII, IV, V and VI.
A long time ago, when my parents started having serious medical issues, I asked them if I could move there and take care of them. It could have been an easy transition because my dH's company was reorganizing The answer was an adamant NO! They were both of sound mind and we were all getting along fine.
Maybe they thought someone else would step up. I get it that now maybe they take those offers as some kind of standing offer, but it wouldn't work for *US* now. And at this point, it is clear that should I agree to be caregiver, to the family that means I take orders, act as a subordinate, do the work, and have no power over Anything while everyone gripes at me. No Deal.

Golden, what a great moment between you and your mother. Somewhere within our narc parents the love is there, it’s just not visible most of the time.
I’m glad your surgery went well. Speedy recovery.

Stacey, your home sounds so lovely. You and your hubs can relax and enjoy the newness of your home together now. My sil’s uncle sent my dd a picture text of our old house in California. It is up for sale now after the renovations they did on the inside. It looks nice!

Busy day yesterday, dd and I went Christmas shopping while hubs watched the boys. Got home by 2 after we had lunch. I was too full to want dinner and by 6, dd and I went to our local twilight Christmas parade with the boys. Boy was it cold! The parade was only 20 minutes long (small town), the boys had a blast, just about every entry in the parade threw out candy to the bystanders. I’m glad it only lasted 20 minutes, my feet were freezing! No sign of snow for us yet. I think it is going to be a normal snow fall here even though people keep saying it will be like last year, it was a La Niña last year. California sure could use the rain this year for all the fires.

No snow to speak of here yet. Sharyn, you need to check into some SmartWool socks! I love them, very warm and all kinds of interesting/fun patterns on them. I probably have a dozen pair of them, knee highs and ankle. And get some warmer shoes. When my feet get cold my whole body gets cold. Warms shoes and socks will help plenty.

Glad, thanks, I will look for those socks! I have a pair of Skechers ankle boots with faux fur lining on order. The socks will be a boost!

CM, thank you for that suggestion, and I did look him up and realised that I am familiar with some of his work. I do find his artwork interesting, but cannot see any of it on my walls for any great length of time though. I am thinking florals, trees, and landscapes in the blue, teal turquoise colors. Its hard (and expensive!) to pick out art that could be on your walls for years at a time!

SharynM, glad you are getting out with your kids and Grandies to see the Christmas lights and doing fun activities! Its always fun to see Christmas through a child's eyes.

Golden, hope you are continuing to heal up well post op, and feeling good too!

My get up and go has got up and went! Its very clear and cold there in the PNW, but no snow yet. So Beautiful!

Have a great day everyone!

David Hockney.