
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
cm - love Edward Hopper.
branching, no deal, indeed!
sharyn, my father always showed it. Mother not so much, in fact very little. Parades are fun with little kids. I remember the cold feet. As kids we sprinkled our socks with pepper when we went skating to keep our feet warm.
glad - those sound like great socks. Keeping my feet warm makes a huge difference. I have a pair of fleecy bootie type slippers which do the trick at home.
stacey - you are having a decoration marathon. Sounds lovely!!! Healing well, but for some reason I am feeling irritable. I better get my thyroid checked.
Hope everyone has a good night. I am trusting they find nothing to be concerned about tomorrow at the eye dr. though I probably won't hear about it for a couple of weeks.
I'm sleeping better, no horrible times with the adrenaline surges in past few days. Maybe melatonin is working?? I've read that I'm not supposed to take "too much," but I get it that too much of anything isn't good. I'm tired but I'm sleeping at least!!
On that note, good night all. Hope you had/have a great day.
There's nothing wrong with putting up a top notch framed print while you decide if you like a style enough to spend serious money on it.
stacey - your decorating scheme sounds exciting and wonderful! I LOVE those colours! I might be inclined to toss a wee bit of purple in there too, but that's me....lol. It's worth living with less furniture till you find the "right" thing, I think that's a good philosophy to have.
golden - I think you are so BRAVE for undergoing eye surgery. Maybe it's just that I have terror issues around that, but I do admire anyone who can go through it voluntarily.
As for my mom.....I am honestly not convinced she has much longer left in the world. That's how I ended up staying here. It's not the dementia, it's the end stage renal disease. She has already been on dialysis for 4 years, and the prognosis isn't good. (In general, life expectancy on dialysis averages 2-4 years for people over 70.) The renal team has already talked to us about choosing to end dialysis, and the social worker spoke to me privately about making that decision myself when her dementia is too bad for her to make it. Mom has a DNR and I have shared POA with my brother. For all our problems of the past, he will support me in the decision when the time comes - of that I have no doubt.
So.....I guess I still think I can "tough it out." Things have leveled off here from the high conflict stuff we were going through last month. Mainly because I am faking my way through solicitousness! But also I've been making a greater effort to spend more time with my friends and do some better self-care. And....honestly, as much as her behaviour now is reminiscent of her drinking behaviour, the difference this time is I'm not an isolated kid with no supports or personal power. In a perverse way, I'm almost glad to have seen this ugly side of her again, with all the knowledge I have as an adult. Because now I get to pull my dad's memory out of its cage and think of him in a whole new light. It's actually kind of liberating. I tear up a lot, but that's not necessarily a bad thing....
1) "If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem."
2) You can stop speaking to them.
3) You can stop explaining to them.
4) You can stop accommodating them.
5) You can stop trying to please them.
6) You can ignore them.
7) You can say: "I am going to need a full investigation of the false accusations you have made against me".
There's still no guarantee I will get reimbursed but... whatever. I've stopped caring so much whether I do or don't get reimbursed, so that's good. I was REALLY hoping the bank would do the right thing, as I see it, but meh. Oh, who am I kidding...?? Of course I hope they reimburse me!!! Sounds like there will be a meeting (again) in January to discuss my reimbursement. Sheesh, you would think it was their money involved. Wait, they paid a high priced Chicago law firm to file eviction against my dad in 2012, so no, they definitely do act like it isn't their money... sigh.
I'll be glad to put this mess behind me. I'm 99% of the way there. :-)
Do you want to share more about what it is your sisters are saying about you? Whatever it is, it's been experienced by others, and there are ways you can help protect yourself and your mom from interference from misunderstanding siblings.
My current response is '"thanks for your concern, but we've got this".
A shining light indeed, Surprise. I'm thankful but not quite hopeful. lol
Thanks, Sharyn, I suppose it couldn't hurt to do it that way. I'll send an email to new-new T.O. to ask if they want it notarized. They've spoken with him already and he's verbally acknowledged everything, so this signed letter is for a paper trail for them. It's a discretionary Trust, they can proceed with reimbursement w/o the beneficiary's permission, but this is for their files. I guess.
This guy today, the new T.O., I liked him. He's new with the company, was factual and forthcoming with info, gave me a good rundown of information telling me what to expect to happen going forward. He said he would advocate for my reiumbursement to the Disbursement Board when they meet and I guess I believe him. It's rather a different tune than previous TO, who made me feel like I had no right to even a basic expense stipend while I was spending every week getting my dad through medical hurdles. :-( You know how when a dog gets beat, then it cowers even when hits aren't coming? That's how I've felt when approaching the Trust about anything. I expect them to say things that cause me to second guess myself and my actions, specifically that I technically deserve reimbursement in this case, but this guy didn't make me feel like that. Rather a nice change!!
I have a lot to be grateful for lately. It's been a tough transition moving out of the old house, getting some income going, figuring out how to deal with SO MUCH STUFF that came out of either my old life/storage, or out of my grandparents' house they had for 60+ years... but it's getting done... and I'm moving on... and getting reimbursed would feel like the cherry on top of my Moved-On cake. lol. :-) I still have a way to go, my health issues cause me concern, but I'm dealing with it all one thing at a time. I'm cleaning up so much from the past 6.5 years and I'm breaking even on bills (lol... this is really important to me, of course), and I have opportunity all around me. I think as I get to feeling better, I'll start putting off a more positive and confident vibe (which has been MIA for a long time), and things will just... get better. I think so. Even if I don't get the reimbursement money, I'll be ok, but boy would it help put this all behind me. :-)
I have to catch up.
Ali I am so glad things are finally starting to look up. I admire you perserverance and reserve. Youve been through so much and given so much of yourself. I am always wishing the best for you.
Golden I hope you are fine. Did you finally do the surgery I didnt go back too far reading posts. God Speed.
Vhelper so sorry about your situation. Its sounds very stressful. Can you just get out of there. That was the first and main advice I got from some what I see now were some very wise informative posters. Just my situation was not where I could just do that.
But Vhelper and all other new posters, welcome.
This is a wonderful site. It help save my sanity. There are some truly wonderful, no nonsense people with a wealth of experience, wisdom and understanding. Keep posting and you, there are many pearls of wisdom to be had. There is genuine acceptance and understanding out there.
It surprised me that my pain was not a rarity. That my situation and familial dysfunctions were so common. You touch base with people who have been in your situation who want to help or just give support.
I take what I can use and discard the things that take me back to the dysfunction I am trying to deal with.
Keep posting, keep venting , keep reaching out. check out other threads,. There are some genuinely good beautiful and wise folk on board here who have been through same or similar situation that bring us here.
You touched on something that has been so heavy in my heart.
That connection with your mother.
The reason I found this site was because of pain from intentional sabattoge and ugliness from my mohter and sister. In the mist ofit all my mother deteriorated. But I still kept trying to do things =keep things right. Every thing I did I got cursed or beat down or harrasssed and sentenced for delusions.
I just wrote an email to my son to the effect that now with my mother, her mind is practiclly gone. I guess the devil cant use her anymore as now it is absolutely clear she is not in her right mind. She has become the sweet loving caring mother I have longed for. I was saying how happy I was to get it even if its in the shadow of dementia. It feels weird and good at the same time. Its saddens me also because its something I have uncounsciously longed for and now I get a taste of it with dementia and knowing she is going downhill. I am gratful. Becuase it wipes away not completely but a lot of the ugly I lived with my mothere.
Now I have a hard time getting her to eat. sometimes she eats on her own which Is a good day to me. Other days I have to spoon feed her and a good day is about five mouthfuls.
Now she wont bathe. I am trying all kinds of tactics.
Then today I find her sitting in staircase. I couldnt get her to move.
I also realize its foolish for me to reach out to mysister. "Can you help me try and get ma in tub one day and wash her hair" I was like it might be the break down of us at least getting together for my mother. But I ran it by the counselor. She was right. I gues thats why I spoke on it. I think in my own way I knew it would be disatersous with a big blow out and more delusions like everything else.
Anyways. I take what I can get just like I always did. I can actually kiss her hello and kiss her when she does something nice?! or sweet!!. like sticking a piece of the breakfast bar in my housecoat secretly. Wow!!. She was never diagnosed. Just like now. My sister has me out the loop of her care. I dont know what meds she is on. Or if she has had a through mental evaluation to see what type or types diagnosis she has that may or maynot be treated. I have come to terms with my limitation and part of coming to terms is accepting that we reap what we sow. She raised us to be just like we are. I could not turn my back on her way back when it was horrible. and I ceratainly cant do it now. I just pray daily for guidance. This is all new, each stage, each developement each step towards deterioration. It would be a lot easier to share this experience with my sister and work it out together. But in reality I can and will do what I can and leave the rest in Gods hands.
I did call and leave my concerns with the Doctor. A few days later there is an ensure on the mantel piece in living room. She needs to be guided to eat. she doesnt know to open a can or look in fridege anymore. She does know crackers and eating out of cereal boxes.
Well I got on my regular long winded roll.
Peace and love to you all.
In the spring, I basically stopped her from watching the American news, because I thought it was making her too obsessive and angry. BUT I've recently discovered if I put on MSNBC for her, she directs her anger towards what's going on down there in the US and treats me like her co-conspirator in anger!
This is not a political statement, I swear. I love America and my American friends, and I mostly feel bad that things are in such turmoil right now. But it's just something I've noticed is helping keep me safe. Better she direct her rage-aholism at politicians who have zero bearing on our lives as Canadians, than to direct her rage at me!
Maybe she just needs someone to be mad at? Is that a real thing, do you think? Is it part of having a need for drama, maybe?
I just want a quiet, peaceful life. I swear, that's all I really want.
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I had a dream the other night, where I was a teenager and my father gave me something really important (I can't remember what), something I needed, to put in my briefcase. (Yeah, I dreamed I was a teenager with a briefcase. A beautiful, soft, brown leather one with buckles.) And then I went la-la-la-ing along, meandering down the street, down many streets, looking in windows and poking in shops, humming tunes and such....and then I realized I had forgotten the briefcase somewhere during my travels! And I was trying to decide whether I should go all that great distance back to retrieve it, wondering if it would even still be where I forgot it. In the dream, I knew exactly where I'd left it.
It's funny, because I've had this dream before, but it never seemed to have any meaning for me until now.
I wonder what he gave me to put in the briefcase? I wonder where I left it?
vhelper. I am sorry you are going through this. I don't think there is anything you can do to change them, but you can protect yourself by doing the things that send suggested. I have developed a thick skin when it comes to family members taking bad about me. Many eventually find out the truth, but it may take years and some never do. Ali and Linda wrote well too.
vsb -are you caretaking these relatives? if they have Alz for one thing I would not argue with them. If they are unsafe for you, it is time for another arrangement.
ali a new TO! Awesome - he sounds half decent and much more business like. You ARE making progress on all fronts.
duck - I think there is no hope for a decent relationship with our sisters. I cannot share the care of mother with my sister either - all she does is criticize. So, better to accept that and deal accordingly. I am glad you are getting therapy. I am also glad that you are finally getting some love and acceptance from your mum, even if it is due to the Alz. Good for you relating your concerns to her doctor. Peace and love to you too.
Counting down to returning home. R is doing the final work of this winter for this contract after searching for and finding some special materials.. Another interview is coming up and he is researching for a different contract that came his way. He is also employing his artistic talents making Christmas gifts for his kids. It surely keeps him busy which is good.Thinking we will drive back tomorrow.
My eye is doing well - better every day. The other one seems fine but the dr was concerned. We will see. Then I think of Peter Falk (Colombo) and Sammy Davis Junior (I realise I am dating myself) and know each with a glass eye had a great career, and all I am looking for is reasonable vision to do my stuff, so whatever it is, it is!!!
Have a great day everyone! Do something good for you.
My brother decided to go to Ohio to help our cousin move up here. His flight left early this am. He is going to drive our cousin and her car back on Thursday. Her friend is going to do the final clean on her house and get the keys to the new owners. It will save her friend having to pay to change her airline reservations. I have doctor appointments set up for her at the end of next week. I've been reading about her kind of metastatic disease, treatments, etc. My knowledge of cancer and treatments is limited to when my Mom had malignant melanoma (she had no complications). I hope that I can be more of a help than a hindrance.
Everyone have a good day. I'm off for a fun day of cleaning up at the caregiver center. The thieves/vandals dumped all of the printed reference materials out on the floor. A mess to clean up for sure.
Ali, I’m happy for you this TO seems willing to help you. Hoping they reimburse you too.
Golden, I’m sure you are glad this eye surgery is done. I have heard many good things about cataract surgery. I will have to have it done at some point in time. Mine are at 30% now.
Flurries on and off today, they are so tiny you can only see them on objects like the roof of a car.