The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

We have the mandatory family dinner on the 22nd with the in-laws. Please hold good thoughts. I insisted on restaurant with husband. Told him that if he couldn't promise me that they'd agree to meet in a neutral controlled time setting then he could go alone. I'm tired of the dysfunctional schedule direction and his rolling over.

GA -I thought I had responded to you and cant see it now. Sorry. Yes she is way out of line. I think she is interested in R. She has a husband and children but that means nothing these days. She referred to him as my brother first and I set her straight in that. No one has ever made that assumption of any man in my life. I don't think she is emotionally stable/healthy. If she persists I will see my lawyer about a letter to her. The snow angels will do my driveway when R isn't here. I appreciate your input

sharyn - thx I did set her straight but she still wants to hire R, I think that is her motivation, and I use the word "hire" loosely.

ali taking the parcels is illegal and she must have shovelled her driveway not her son as I saw the footprints. I very much doubt that her son would have touched my parcels. I am so glad you are sleeping better. Glad the convo with your mum was decent. I would get to the doctor about the feet numbness too. Becky speaks the word if experience.

send - thank you, very intrusive

I had the bleeders in my eyes lasered this morning. Only one bleeder on the right side; several on the left. It was quick, easy and pain-free. I have to wear sunglasses until 6:00 this evening. Now on to cataracts. First one is being done the Wednesday after New Years.

Ali, If a fasting glucose shows anything at all. Have your eyes checked immediately by an opthamologist and then as recommended.

Guest, hope your dinner with in-laws is uneventful.

My cousin has arrived. My brother is with her helping her do a couple of errands. She has lost a good bit of weight since I saw her during the summer.

DH has peripheral neuropathy, which showed up after he'd been on an assortment of meds to control a really bad UC flare - Pred, Imuran and others. In his case, not related to diabetes.

ali -prediabetes needs to be kept monitored and any symptoms reported. Find out from the doctor/dietician what a correct diet and exercise routine is for prediabetes to get you back in a normal range. It is a big warning sign and needs to be treated if you want to avoid full blown type 2. You have it for 4 generations on your mother's side then you will get it unless you make changes. Blood sugar can affect your energy levels too.

all those having it of possibly facing it look after you - it makes a big difference. I was prediabetic once or twice but with diet and exercise am back in a normal range. You can do it.

guest - hold your ground. It gets too painful otherwise. I am glad you are being firm. Will be thinking of you.

More paperwork today and one lot ready to send off. Waiting on a report for the second one. I want these things over!!!!

Take care all. R is going south again. It will be quiet here which is good for a while

becky - glad you got the lasering done and it was not traumatic. Cataract surgery is easy and should bring an improvement.

It is good your cousin has you and your family for support. I am sorry she is going through this, but loving family will help her.

I am prediabetic, and working on my diet, Small 5-10% weight loss can help a lot. These days they can also put you on low dose metformin,, it has brought my blood sugar and A1C into the normal zone, and it's cheap with low side effects ( I do have some tummy issues,, but they are much better after the first few weeks!)

Pam, absolutely! Some exercise can make a great difference too. Good for you getting your BS and A1C back into normal range. I eat low carb and expect without that I would be prediabetic at least. I just don't want to go that way.

Breakfast is a challenge these days. I am "egged out" as often eggs are about all I can eat from the hotel breakfast buffet (gluten and dairy allergic, and low carb). Yesterday here at home I had a lettuce wrap with cold deli meat. Today I had farmer's sausage in tomato and green pepper sauce (leftovers).

This is going to sound funny, I know, but I miss my stairs when I am away in a hotel. It is giving me second thoughts about the condo. The first building of the complex has a lovely set of stairs and I could envision myself walking up and down them. The second building with the unit we liked has a different lobby and no stairs. Maybe I have to wait till a unit in the first building comes available. There are "stair climbers" in the exercise room, that might work, but it would not be the same. I know stair climbing keeps my legs stronger. Decisions, decisions...

I sent out to the cousins the obligatory informational email with new address about mother's move to an NH, and was surprised and gratified at the replies I got. She is the last remaining "Viking" of her clan and remembered as a larger than life icon of the family. She garners some respect at the NH due to her longevity, her nicely decorated room (the artwork in particular), and her history of volunteer involvement in Haiti. I shocked the gals in the case meeting by telling them about mother's self taught computer skills, and that I was 80 and did squats. Love seeing their reactions.

Now I am after R to do squats too as he has bad knees, and I know squats will help him. Knees become an issue as you get older, so doing what you can now to help them will improve your quality of life. Start doing a gentle squat - three sets of three, two or three times a week. Place your feet quite far apart. Only go down as far as is comfortable to get up unaided. Eventually you will go farther. Exercising is not so much about longevity as it is about QOL. Longevity without QOL is the pits as we all know.

Having fired my "crazy lady" snow shovelling service, and R having left, we had a great dump of snow... of course. I will get a hold of snow angels on Monday, and meanwhile hunker down at home, or risk ploughing through the driveway with the car. On the plus side, it looks very pretty. The temporary car parking lot across the street is finally empty, so I have an unhindered view of the trees I love.

I read an article about social isolation, loneliness and health. Most lonely people are married and have social connections. The loneliest time in my life was when I was a young adult, and also in my first marriage. I am alone a lot now, but not the least bit lonely. It isn't a simple issue.

Have a good day everyone and look after you and do a few squats!!! 😜😜😜

Hi all....another drive by, and I haven't even had a chance to read yet. I will catch up later tonight. Just taking a quick breather while the robot vacuum does its thing. (God bless robot vacuums, but you do still have to babysit them!)

Had those awful leg spasms last weekend, then the soap-making effort took up the whole week, and then mom had surgery yesterday (just to move the dialysis catheter)....so the apartment is a MESS from neglect!  And from the chaos one demented old woman can create in a single week.

Best guy friend is coming over for dinner tonight and I promised he could watch his dumb hockey game, lol. So he'll probably be here for awhile, which means bathroom cleaning too, ugh. Not that he cares what the apartment looks like, but mom would be embarrassed.

Golden, PJ does a complete workout everyday - wears me out just watching, plus running and swimming. I do a stretch routine that I've done since high school when I took ballet and I walk twice a day outside. If I don't have fresh air a couple of times a day, I don't feel well. I swim sometimes, but not regularly.

I follow the the American Diabetic Exchange diet. I follow 1000 cal a day M-W-F and 1200 T-Th-Sat. On Sunday I do about 1200 cal but I have a small scoop of ice cream included in that 1200 cal. The ADA exchange diet is very easy to follow and has a good variety. One good thing for me is I'm not a big bread, pasta, or dairy eater (other than my ice cream).

Pam and I have spent the day together - mostly going over all of her financial stuff and also her medical history and medications. She wanted me to have her info since I'm POA - medical and financial. Jay sat in on some of it in case I'm not around for some reason. There shouldn't be any difficulties of any kind. She says right now she tires easily and has back pain. We have to get it set up for her at the oncology pain clinic. She says right now she is okay with heat, ice, ibuprofen. I'm sure that will change as her disease progresses or during whatever treatment she chooses to pursue. She and Jay got a good bit done at her apartment. We all went to mass this evening. pJ was playing the pipe organ and chimes for the 5:00 mass this evening. I think Pam would rather have gone with Jay. He played drums at the rock mass at the University. I wanted to hear the Christmas music.

dori hope you have a good dinner tonight and relief from the spasms

becky PJ is a marvel. R is very active too though always working at something, not an exercise routine. His cardiovascular system s excellent and he is very careful about what he eats. You do very well with your walking and other exercises and your diet. I try to keep my cals down and carbs very down. Once in a while I record it and see how I am doing. I never was a breadeatber either, nor is R so that part is easy for me. I do miss a little cheese. Love ice cream too - I get it made from coconut milk and sometimes make my own sugarless.
Pam is very fortunate to have your family for support. She has a difficult journey ahead. Thankfully pain control is good these days. I would go for the Christmas organ music too.

Golden, 
Egged out for breakfast here too....
Avocado on wheat toast for breakfast.

Another day in the life. Becky, glad the laser surgery was done. One step at a time.

Snowed for a few hours lastnight, very fine and powdery. Real feel now is around 19, with actual at 25.

Sharyn, I wear UGGS as house slippers. Very comfy and warm. I would not want to wear them outside, though. They would soak up water and snow! BRRRR

Avocado. I can just eat that by itself. Literally. As in not even seasoning it. Yum...

send - avocado and wheat toast is great. You need to add some protein to that. Protein at breakfast keeps blood sugar steady all day better than anything else.

book I can eat it straight too.

sharyn - 14 here and lots of snow

glad - love warm slippers!!!

bedtime - I think - sleep tight all

Glad, I have a pair of ankle bootie slippers I wear them all day when not working. I ordered some smart wool socks and I can’t wait to get them!

Golden 14 brrrr!! Peanut butter stuffed in celery is good protein start for the day too.

I am so glad I found this! My mother went in the NH back in June after being in the hospital for the second time in 9 months with a UTI and sepsis. She is a diabetic and has failed to manage it for at least a decade. She also has serious mobility issues mainly from lack of activity and being overweight. And she's a hoarder. I thought being there would help her see she has to do better. I moved in the house so I could afford to help her since the NH takes all of her income and it was left to both of us by my father. It took me 4 months to clean it and get the stuff out. She had 2 dogs that never went out on top of dealing with the trash and stuff. Plus she didn't even clean up her bathroom. If I would have had a cleaning company come they would have had hazmat suits it was so bad.
My sibling which can do no wrong has been absolutely no help in her care even before she went to the NH. I now deal with her financials, do her laundry, schedule her doctor appointments and take her to them, buy her incontinence supplies, and pay for her phone and anything else that comes up.

When I told her I would move in the house so i could afford to help her i told her if she would continue to improve we would see about getting a small mobile home or build a little apartment on the property. We've only been in the house 2 months and she's complaining that her "apartment" hasn't materialized and I'm living rent free. She ignores that
I kept the power on to keep her dogs cool during the summer until she decided I could give them away, and drove over 60 miles a day for 4 months going to feed them and clean up the hoard. I paid the taxes and ins on the house way before she went to the NH.

At the NH they don't think she can be on her own even next door to me. I don't either because they do most everything for her and know that's what she will expect of me even though she says she will do better. She hasn't made much effort to do better, but with the wonderful care she receives at the NH her health is better. We are not real close, long story, but I'm the one making sure sure is cared for. I can't leave my job to be her maid and caretaker and I know she is capable of doing more she just won't. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I know she and my sibling are discussing my moving in the house and my motives. Either way living next door or in the NH I'm going to be the one helping whether financially if she stays in the home or physically if she doesn't. I don't think i can handle the physical and mental toll of being her caregiver. Just don't know what to do...

Welcome TTDT. Mom got UTI and sepsis twice, now she is in nursing home. During this time you moved into her house because it was left to you and mom, so you can afford to help her and cleaned out her hoard. You can't quit your job because you cannot afford to.

Sis and mom are talking about your motives? I must admit I probably would be too. What is sisters interest in the property, if any.

It sounds as if it would not be appropriate to bring mom home. She goes to a trailer? You stay in the house?

I must be confused.

If the house is under both of your names legally, I don't see why your sister should wonder why you moved in. You are part owner. What can your sister and your mom do? Kick you out? Uhm, nooooo. Because you're also part owner. Is the house not big enough for both of you? Or you wanted to have separate living arrangements? With her serious mobility and overweight health issues, I just cannot envision her in a trailer/mobile home. It should be the other way around. You get your privacy in the mobile home and she stays in the house. But that's neither here or there.

What's important is that she should not leave the NH. As you mentioned, she's doing great there because NH has 24/7 workers who are there for your mom. If she moves back, she will rely on you 24/7 {and not really care that you have a job to go to or you would be fired}, etc...

I would start keeping a journal of everything. What you did, time, dates, cost, etc.... Document to protect yourself - just in case sis tries something underhanded. Also, you need to accept that your mother will never change. You know how she is. Do you have POA? Can your mom check herself out of NH on her own cognitive? If yes, what plans do you have for when she comes home? One more question. Was she home when you cleaned out the house and got rid of all her precious collections {junk to us}?

Ill clarify more. Im sorry i did not earlier. Just so much to tell.
1. She can't take care of a large space and the more room she has the more stuff she will cram in it.
2. She doesn't want to live with me and I don't want to live with her.
3. The house is a small two bedroom and I have a husband and child. I helped my father every weekend for 3 years to remodel the house a little at the time before they moved in. She never lifted a finger. Brother helped some with wiring.
4. She has been through what was taken out and approved things that could be sold in a yard sale. That has been a battle because She thinks She needs most of it even though a lot is new and has never been used, still in original packaging. Do you think She asked about pictures though? Sentimental things? Nope, not even 5years old pictures of grand kids and great grandkids were buried in the filthy mess. They were already framed. She has kept enough kitchen stuff to furnish 2 homes at least. And she only cooked prepackaged tv dinner type food. She has already caught an eye on the stove on fire twice and it's was a miracle the trash piled a foot high didn't catch, too.
5. Sibling is male (same mother, different father, but my father raised him) he doesn't want to deal with female issues or incontinence issues. I guess he doesn't think he should. When my father was alive he was front and center. She had pneumonia and spent weeks in the hospital and my sibling was there everyday for hours at the time. Since my dad has been gone he started visiting less and less, hasn't visited much during her hospital stays or at the NH. When she needed a phone all he could say was he didn't have the money to pay for it or any of her incontinence supplies which runs about $250 a month when the little bit of money she got to keep runs out. The day after my dad was buried the 2 of them wanted to sell the house claiming it was worth a lot more than it is and split The money. The tax value is $21,000 and wouldn't appraise for much more. It's a very small farm house built in 1929 by my gtandfather and my father was not able to finish doing all the work it needed so it still needs a lot done. She would have blown that money in no time buying more stuff and still been in massive credit card debt plus had to pay rent for an apartment. Not to mention you can't get away with the hoarding and filth in an apartment. And once they figured out it wouldn't be split 3 ways they dropped it. My sibling has a large 4 bedroom mobile home and all his children have moved out, but she can't live with him and his wife. They make around the same thing as me and my spouse.
6. Before my dad died the hoard was here, but he tried to clean as muc as he was allowed and always let the dogs out and cleaned up behind them if needed. He was not in the best of health, but stayed active and waited on my mom hand and foot.
7. She doesn't need to drive and has side swiped a vehicle on the The road she lived on. My brother and I agreed before she went in the NH she doesn't need to drive, but he wouldn't stand with me on it. I mean geez she doesn't see well, won't wear her glasses, and needs cataracts removed, but thinks it's okay to drive.
8. She and I have had it out several times the last few weeks and I told her she could read all the texts between my brother and myself to show her he agreed she shouldn't drive and didn't need to live alone. The house is way out in the country. STILL HE CAN DO NO WRONG. When she went in the NH all he could ask about was what was going to happen to the house. He wasn't happy to know if it was sold all proceeds would go to the NH.

This is most of the story. I do keep receipts of everything and her doctors and the staff at the NH know I am the one that sees about everything. I am the one they call and the one that shows up. I have cleaned up the mess 5 times in less than 3 years. This last time was a complete clean up. I have cleaned rotten food off counters, floor, refridgirator. Cleaned dog excrement, human excrement all over the bathroom, and rat droppings (and I took pictures of the the mess so I would have proof when she denies it to outsiders) Hauled off truck loads of trash and boxed up at least a hundred boxes of stuff. Hauled off ruined furniture soaked in urine and who knows what else. Every time I cleaned I got "I'll try to do better". I just don't think I can do it again. How can I get her to see about things she is capable of doing? I will help her, but I can't give her her medicine every time she's supposed to take it, check her sugar all the time, cook 3 meals a day, keep her from eating tons of junk that makes her sugar go up, clean up behind her all while she sits in chair watching and doing absolutely nothing.

If you sold the farm house to pay for NH, keep her there. If she does not qualify for long term NH care, try assisted living.

My husband updated many things in the current house to make it handicap accessible, but that really didn't matter when it was filled up with the hoard. We have found a building to move to the property and add on to for an apartment and it will be handicap accessible as well, but again it won't matter if it is filled so much stuff she can't get around good. She had a decent retirement so if she is not in the NH she will have money to buy more stuff she doesn't need. I just don't know what to do. I'm not selling the house because my paternal grandfather built it and the property has been in my dad's family 200 years. It has a lot of sentimental value to me.

TTDR -welcome - I am trying to get some facts straight before responding.

Your mother is a overweight diabetic hoarder with mobility issues who does not manage her diabetes well. She has been in hospital 2x in 9 months from UTI and sepsis. In your and bro's opinion she should not be driving though he will not back you up. This would affect her as the property is in the country.

You are your family moved into a house jointly owned by yourself and your mother to be able to afford to help her and you pay for some of her supplies, her phone etc. and essentially act as POA medical and financial.

The NH do not think she can live on her own and neither do you. In any case you cannot leave your job and you cannot handle being her caretaker.

Your bro is the golden child who can do no wrong. He has an interest in the proceeds if the house was sold, but it would go to the NH.

Okay!!!!

from my perspective - since the NH and you both think that she cannot live alone (and I agree from your description). then it would be wrong to proceed with that plan no matter what she wants. Her needs will only increase and 24/7 professional staff are caring for her now. With some parents, we adult children as caregivers have to choose between what they need and what they want. Safety is all senses has to come first.

She will not be happy about that, but if you can get her doctor or some professional to break the news to her, she will probably take it better than from you.

As others are saying she needs to stay in the NH.

Bro as the golden child can do no wrong and is interested in what he can get out if it. This is is not rare and he may criticise you. Sometimes we have to grow a thick skin.

You do not want to sell the house. I gather she is mostly paying her own way now with some help from you. Is there any chance she would need to go on medicaid at some point in the future? If so, I think it would be wise to see an elder lawyer who understands medicaid to see what your position is as regards the house. Are there documents stating the house is part yours and part your mother's?

In terms of what to do - leave her in the NH as she needs that level of care. She is not going to change for the better, she will get worse over time. It is much better that her money is spent in 24/7 care which is helping keep her healthy, than that she waste it on stuff and not look after herself, and that you are on the spot with an impossible burden of care.

Look after yourself and your family - they come first. Your responsibility to your mother is to see she is well cared for, which she is in the NH. It is not to do hands on care and cater to her wants and whims.  

Trying, How is the nursing home being paid for now? Medicaid?

First, thank you everyone for the input!

She qualified for Medicaid to pay for her care and she is allowed to keep $50 a month out of her social security and the retirement benefit from my dad's retirement. She was allowed to keep her 2002 car, but it isn't worth much and needs more work done than its worth. She was allowed to keep up to $2000 cash (which she didnt have that much) and that is what is being used for her incontinence supplies and I buy her snacks and incidentals.

Most of the cash She had is gone so until I can get her urologist to write a Rx for the adult diapers I'll be paying for them. I hope medicaid will cover them. He's trying to help the incontinence issue, but when She chooses to not even try to go to the bathroom and try to completely empty her bladder I don't know how much he can help.

The proceeds from the yardsales have helped, but its still not much.

She has been withdrawing the $50 allowance and I think it mostly goes in the snack and drink machine even though I take her diet cokes and healthier snacks.

The deed to the house is in both our names and I was told by the social worker that Medicaid would not consider liquidating it until my death.

Her family doctor thought it was time she go into the NH as well. After being in the NH for 5 months her doctor was so shocked her a1c was down to 7.2 from 10.8 that she had them check it twice. She wouldn't take her medicine and would tell me she was checking her sugar regularly and when i would dig around and check her meter she hadn't checked it sometimes for weeks.

It's been a difficult road since my father passed away in 2015. He had a lung collapse that caused a massive heart attack. He made it to the ER and his heart stopped as they were taking him back. Although they brought him back he was on life support. We agreed to remove it after 5 days because he continued to deteriorate. I had to be the one to actually tell them to remove life support. We all agreed that's what he would want, but no-one could bring themselves to actually tell the doctor to do it. It wasn't until after he died I that I realized just how much he was doing for her. Pretty much everything even though she was capable of doing more. Other than diabetes she hasn't had a lot of health problems and the ones she has, most of them have been brought on by not managing the diabetes and loss of mobility from sitting in her recliner the majority of the time. No broken bones or severe arthritis either. While my dad had emphysema and pretty bad arthritis, but he stayed as active as he could.

I love my mama, but it's just so hurtful she won't clean up behind herself or the animals she had. Almost like she's above doing such degrading tasks, but it's ok for me to do it. After my tending her dogs for months my brother decided he could take them after I put it on Facebook I needed to find them a home. He could've helped because the house is only about 3 miles out his way to and from his job while I had to travel 15 miles one way to see about them. Plus I was going to the NH everyday trying to make the transition easier. I couldn't keep them because my elderly large dog will not tolerate another dog in our home. Its been a bad situation all the way around and I'm tired, burnt out.

I love avocados! It is good on a BLT, yummy!

Trying, Check with your Mom's social worker at the NH, your Mom's Medicaid case worker or the state Medicaid office. The Medicaid programs in many states will cover incontinence supplies. In some states no prescription is needed. You can order over the phone and they will deliver to home of medical POA or facility. My aunt who was living in NH in Ohio was sent her supply monthly to her son's house once she was approved to Medicaid. My Mom's Medicare supplement insurance paid for hers monthly. They were delivered to her home and later on to her senior apartment. I'm sorry you are having to cope with all of this. Especially her diabetic non-compliance.

((((((((Trying))))))

Beckyo4473 thanks for the info! I will definitely check with the social worker on that! Her supplies are so expensive.

Thanks again for all the comments. I have felt completely alone in this journey. My hubby understands to a certain degree and is very supportive. He just can't wrap his head around the hoarding. And He lost his mom to cancer Christmas Eve last year so he's had a lot on his plate, too keeping check on his dad.

I truly appreciate the honest comments and questions without making me feel like a horrible person. Sometimes a person needs the unbiased opinions of others to help them see the big picture!