The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I've been doing research about the Laparoscopic surgery that a doctor told my sister the last time mom was in the hospital for the gallstone flare-up. At first I mistakenly thought that by doing this procedure, ti would only remove the stones.
But it is actually to remove the entire gallbladder.

Given that mom is 92, and she does have a heart pacer and ALZ. So my sister and me are against putting her through this. I'm so happy that my sister feels as I do. Today, I'm going over to visit mom. All the siblings will be there, to discuss the decision to have mom go through with this .

Given my research, of course the older one is, the more likely that there could be complications taking their other illnesses into consideration, especially infection.
My sister agreed with me, that possibly we should give her some time to rest from recent flare-ups, approach it with the diet. So I'll go there w/some articles about the diet aspect. Mother is sticking to a vegetarian diet right now. I just hope that my sister refrains from eating, or offering her things like pastries (which that household always has),. Mom really has to keep the cholesterol down, because this is precisely what some gallstones are made of.

I went to a farmers market yesterday, and bought some beets. I'm going to shred some very finely and mix it with some apple sauce, since this seems to be one of the foods that heals her condition. Margeaux

((((((((((sharyn)))))))))) what a 5 ring circus!!! Thankfully your mum is there now. I know the words hurt even if you understand where they are coming from. Sounds like you and your sibs have your own health issues you need to attend to. Hope your mum is reasonable today, though I know she may not be. Do let us know how it goes, You sure will need a break after this.

Margeaux - what a predicament. You hate to see your mum in pain, but surgery at her age and in her condition would be worrisome. I did some searching and found a paper that says laparoscopy for gall stones after age 80 is better than not having it, and recovery is better if it is done sooner than leaving it longer as more hospitalizations are needed, and more complications can follow. Mother had some inflammation of her pancreas along with the gall stones, and that can be very dangerous. The age group studied was 84-96. On the other hand I fully understand your concerns about surgery at her age, and your desire to deal with it by diet. it seems like you are between a rock and a hard place.

book - hope your dad will settle down a bit
brandywine - how are things going?
bonnie w -wondering about your mum Can you give us an update.
Austin how are+ you?
cmag, and others let us know how u r.

Here we had more snow again. I seem to be getting the fibromyalgia under control -halleluiah! We are going away for a few days -another business trip. G's holidays were cancelled in March and in April as some things had to be done at work, so I don't know when he can take them. This is all "under the table" now anyway between his boss and him as they were supposed to be taken by the end of Feb. and they won't pay him out. I have had 10 emails from mother in the past few days about some unauthorized withdrawals from her account. I suggested she contact her financial advisor and then she told me she already has. and he will deal with it. (rolling eyes here) I said she may want to put me on her bank accounts so I can keep an eye on them. It would be wise if something happens to her. Surprisingly she said she will see what her bank thinks. She said she was in a den of robbers - I suppose she means her ALF. Perhaps they are charging her inappropriately for some things. She will never give me details, so I don't know what the problem is. What's new???
take care all - ((((((((hugs)))))))) Joan

Nothing much new here, but I am sticking with my walking program of 30-40 minutes every other day. My mother, step-dad, dad and step-mother continue to decline with their respective health problems and old age. My wife's health is back to being poor again which brings things very close to me feeling like I'm running assisted living here at home like it was for several months, but so far things have not gotten that bad. All in all, I carrying more stress than usual and fighting the usual ups and downs of bipolar disorder as well as flashbacks from my past.

Cmag~I am so sorry that you are dealing with flashbacks and that your wife is having some issues again. It seems when we start to get things better, something else pops up that sets us back. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you and your wife!!

Long day here..had two church services to attend for different reasons.
Thanks for asking about my mother.
She has been at the rehab place nearly a week (Monday). Her PT and OT seems to be going pretty well. As you may recall, she is 94 and broke her right hip on Good Friday as well as banging up her knee and her shoulder went out of it's joint. Poor little thing!!!
The Death becomes it hospital (I hate that place) used a catheder and now mom has an infection in the bladder. She started anti-biotics yesterday so wasn't in much of a mood to chat on the phone. She said she just didn't feel hungry so I urged her to eat something to avoid the side effects of the drugs. She said the PT person felt sorry for her so cut back on the amount of exercises she had to do yesterday.
As she doesn't hear well on the phone and was super tired, I just gave her my love and reminded her of Daddy's cure all...which is: Get something good to eat. Get rest/nap. If those two don't solve the problem, use the bathroom.
That usually worked for us as children!
She got a chuckle out of it, of course. So, she is doing her best. She says she is no where near stepping on a banana peeling so not to worry.
I did put a prayer request for her in church this morning. Can't hurt.
She reads the Washington Post every day as always. today is the big Sunday edition which usually takes Mom until noon ro read. As hubby and I didn't get back from church (then dinner) until just an hour ago (4pm here) it is too late to call her today.

Sharyn...my goodness...your Mom doesn't seem to mind causing a scene! Or does she only get "outspoken" when away from others to overhear her?
I can see why you need to be there to do the meds. Hope you will get the doctor to fax the data...plus give the poor woman some ambian! You need it too, I suppect!!!
This is going to be a tough few weeks for you so keep checking in with us so we can continue to bolster you!
hugs,
Bonnie

Bro and I met up at the community by 10am. I had already put up the shower curtain and liner and had the maintenance supervisor up in mom's room putting up the mirrors, clock and programing the remote for the tv. The volume on the remote they provided yesterday didn't work, so I brought the comcast remote from mom's house and he programed it so everything works. Bro brought over a cordless phone and set that all up. An aid brought mom back to her apartment around 10:30 saying mom wanted to come back. I said because she is worried about the her dog? She said yes. Mom can't understand that her LTC policy is paying for this, bro and I reassured her over and over again that but she just won't accept it. I think her dog is adjusting better than mom but that is expected. A lady down the hall gave Midget a new toy, and the lady next door to mom introduced herself to mom and sis and I yesterday. She told mom if she needs anything to not hesitate to knob on her door. She said the she has been living here (AL) for a year. Her husband passed 2 years ago. She doesn't have any mental or physical issues just didn't want to live in her house with the upkeep. It turns out that this woman's daughter and I went to HS together. It's a small city. I was able to get mom the take her meds, I asked bro to stay while I did that since mom is less combative when he is around. Now for the emotional part! When we left, I went ot mom's house to look for the case for her hearing aids (she did find the hearing aids in her purse), and the recharger. So far I haven't found the cases. I made several phone calls to relatives back east letting them know what was going on, mom's new phone # and address. Being there by myself, it was like walking through memories. OMG!! I cried so hard, thinking about all the years we spent living here together, an end of an era even though mom is still living. I heard my brothers, my sister and me talking, whispering, the abuse, the good times. I talked to my dad, I watered the front yard. I realized that this is not about an abusive past, its about a family that it is entering an ending and a new beginning. Memories we cherish, traditions we carry on and pass on to our children and grandchildren. A home that may soon belong to someone we know nothing about and will they have the memories we do, will they take care of the home and treasure it as we did. So many emotions, so many memories. I can't even imagine what is going through my mother's mind...other than her feeling victimized. I know she has other feelings she would never truthfully share with us. I know that God is here is with me and that HE is with my mom as well. Hugs to everyone!!

Bless you!
Maybe the lady next door will prove to be a Godsent for your entire family. Maybe you can go "out" with the lady and her daughter along with your Mom some time?
Can't even imagine what it was like going through the house today. all the furniture moved around, the mess from packing and moving boxes. It must have felt very sad.
When my parents moved from their "honeymoon to Grandparenting" house to the house Mom still lives in I'll tell you what she and Dad did. We "kids" all moved things and were at the new place waiting for Mom and Dad. Hours later they arrived. Well, turns out they had painted the inside of their bedroom closets. I said " Why do that! and Mom said they wanted to say goodbye to their house and wanted the house to know it was loved! She said she and Daddy walked through the rooms and gave them all a blessing and thanked the house for being so good all the years.

Maybe saying Thank You is good for the heart.
Bonnie

Emjo, Things are about the same. Dh still has pre dementia, sister is still hateful, Mom still has dementia and it is getting worse. Mom will barely let the nurses in her room, won't change clothes, yells at people. As for me, I am better and not letting all this get to me. My therapist says I am co-dependent so I am working a codep program. One day at time.

Emjo,

You definitely expressed my sentiments about mother and this difficult decision about the gallbladder surgery. I read many articles by experts and Laparoscopy,
as it relates to the geriatric population. The last time mom went the hospital, which was last week she check out good. The doctor told my sister she had no infection in the gallbladder. The pain was directly a result of inflammation of the stones, so in other words the surgery recommendation was totally elective.

So, yes it's going to be about diet. The thing is, given my sister's poor diet choices; they have all the high fat dairy and sausages loaded with sodium nitrate and such in their fridge. I notice with people like this too, that it's very easy to just pull out the processed foods, ready to go, compared to preparing foods which obviously take longer to prepare. This is going to be a re-direct on an education about diet in general, especially for my sister since she will be the main one in charge of feeding and also managing this with the caregivers.

Thank you very much for the information, Emjo.

Good to hear that the fibromyalgia is calming down.
I too, made some hamburgers the other day for husband and me. The last two days I know I've had inflammation on account of eating the red meat, and of course my sinuses get worse. So, unfortunately we all have to be the detectives with the diet.

Wow, could you be having some kind of breakthrough with your mom, she asking her bank what they think about putting you on her bank account? I'd roll my eyes too!

How great that you are going on a trip with Gary! I need a trip with my husband,
I haven't done this in quite some time! Have fun! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

So yesterday was a rather big day! Before I headed out to my sister's and mom's house for this meeting with all the siblings about mom's surgery, I called my sister.
I mentioned to her that my husband and me were on our way. She then somewhat reacted to my telling her my husband was accompanying me on this visit. She said, "Oh, your bringing your husband." I thought I didn't have to mention to you, that we were going to meet just the siblings." She then informed me, that she'd suggested this to our younger brother, re: his wife, since she's so opinionated, and didn't wish to have the SIL, (my sis has issues w/her) no less attend this meeting. Oh, was this ever awkward for me, now, especially with my husband!
I told my sister, and somewhat even apologized to her for not thinking regarding having my husband along, but this was only associated to an earlier visit on Fri.,
in which he and I were going to check in on mother. Well, Fri's. visit got cancelled because my sister had a docs. appt., that day. So it was easy for to think, if hubby wants to see mom, he can see her on Sun.

So now, I had to think how I was going to "uninvite," my husband w/o it looking awful towards him, as in the in laws are being left out. He was still waking up, and I had the feeling that
,he had mixed feelings about going anyway. He then asked me, "Do you want me to go?" I think this question came up too, because he knew what we were going to talk about. I took his cue, and told him, "Honey, maybe today, I should just go by myself." Truth be told I felt a bit of tension on my part, as to how he may take this. You see, sometimes with my husband, he means well, but he thinks he can give just anyone advice/and opinions.
So how do any of you feel when it has to do with these kinds of discussions between siblings, and the exclusion of the husbands/wives? I know this is a rather sensitive area. I'm really curious about this. But I also feel that in certain circumstances it is just wiser not to have these extra people at these meetings.

Anyway, the meeting was very quick. We all agreed, mom is too elderly for this surgery. We'd rather approach it through the diet. My brothers left, and I stayed there a few more hours with my sister and mom. So I made more suggestions with the diet. I did have to mention though that giving mother too many eggs, as a breakfast choice, may not be a good idea. As we know the yolks have cholesterol. Egg whites are o.k. Some stones are comprised of cholesterol.

Well, after my brothers left, my sister went on and on also about the SIL.
She of course told me that this was the only reason she'd thought my husband shouldn't come. Then, I came to discover that the SIL is having some gallstone attacks the last few days also. She's very overweight. So maybe at long last when she has to become educated about gallstones, she's finally going to get it.
But my sister is so obsessive when she starts to talk about the SIL. When the conversation started to go there, I had to bring up the fact that yes, she's difficult and all of that. But our brother too, behaves just as our dad did w/our mother,
and doesn't speak up. This is why things are the way there are between them.
Anyway, I had to head this conversation of at the pass, if you all know what I mean. That's my brother's business, NOT MINE! Margeaux

Margeaux~Good for you for heading that conversation off at the pass. It really makes it hard on a marriage when the family of origin butts in, I know, I've been there. As far as family meetings go, I agree that spouses should not be a part of it unless the spouse is valued by the family and totally accepted as a family member. This does not happen often with in-laws. I kept my hubby out of things simply because of the family history. He helped move the furniture on Saturday, but he had no contact with my mother. I hope your sis can follow the diet and make those changes for your mom's benefit. I am sure you are feeling some relief now that everyone agreed to the diet over surgery. Hang in there and keep us posted. Hugs to you!

Joan~Glad to hear you are feeling better and getting away for a few days, a few days away is always recharging. Adding your name to her accounts is a good response to get her to go to her financial adviser. The eye roll was a good touch for some relief even though she couldn't see that over the phone. I would be concerned it could open the door for accusations towards you too. Enjoy your trip and hugs to you!!

Bonnie~Sorry to hear mom has a UTI. Those infections can be troublesome. I sounds like she is doing good other than the infection. By all means, keep her away from those banana peels!Hugs to you Bonnie, keep us up to date!!

I woke up today with the hitting the wall feeling emotionally. To top it off, since I don't go back to work til Thursday, sis wants to me get a security system installed in mom's house because she doesn't want to miss any work or less arrange for them to do it on a Saturday. I honestly don't want to do anything. I am feeling such a deep loss, seeing mom will be too hard by myself right now til she adjusts more, I don't want to go to mom's house either after the flood of emotions yesterday. I hope this passes before I go to work Thursday.

Sharyn, you must be exhausted physically and emotionally!
Most important to take good care of yourself right now.
Maybe your sister can do some of the things she keeps asking you to do?

On family meetings: No in-laws required. If an in-law is going to be involved with the "issue" (like partner in caregiving) then by all means s/he should be party to the discussions.
I think it would come down to the siblings to try to work out responsibilities and make decisions.
The last thing any family would need is an obnoxious in-law mouthing off during a difficult period.
Decision makers should be those that are responsible for the decision's outcome.

Bonnie~Sis is so bogged down with the paperwork for all the financial that I'm just trying to help out. She, however, is not as emotionally tied to mom as I am so she isn't having the reaction I am. I call the security company and have set it up for this Sat. btwn 12-3 so she will have to be there since I will be at work. Everything is set except I have to wait for sis to call me back with mom's credit card number or debit. This is why I wanted her to do this because I knew I wouldn't have all the info they would want. I can only do what I can do, but at least they are going to call me back btwn. 5:30-6:00 tonight. I'm not so much complaining about sis as much as I am just so depressed and tired. The community called me about mom's meds. They added the Spiriva and cholesterol medication back to her list. I don't know if mom will have shortness of breath this summer since she won't be doing any yard work or lifting or carrying hoses around and it is only in the summer months that she experiences this but I figure it is better to be safe so she is comfortable.

Sharynmarie,

The walk through your mother's house must have been very hard for you.
It's kind of like a passing of sorts. I don't know if I could have done that.
I know and feel it very much that you've been more emotionally attached to your mom compared to your sister.

Now, have you taken the vacation to Big Sur yet, w/your husband?
If you have not, I think a trip as such would really do you some good.
Things are going to be distinctly different now, that your mom is in the AL.
Try to at least re-focus some of the energies you've been giving to your mother,
to yourself and your personal priorities. Your mother is going to be fine.
This is a time for adjustments, and letting go. Stay strong, Much Love & Light!
Margeaux

It's been up and down with mother the last few days since I went on Sunday. Gee, it's only Tues. So really not many days have passed in some way.
Yesterday, my sister called and honestly it was rather confusing. Mom's been on the waiting list (which really meant she'd be in for surgery) tomorrow Wed. We'd agreed (siblings) on Sun., we weren't going to put mom through the Laparoscopic surgery. Now, Tues. morning I just got a call from my sister informing me that mom is going in for surgery tomorrow Wed.

So of course I had questions, such as, is she complaining about the pain? My sister said, that the pain doesn't go away. Now she says, that mom is hardly eating. How does this happen so fast? On Sun., according to my sister,
she claimed mom ate great, etc. The other thing is that mom has been prescribed Vicodin when the pain gets bad. My sister says this knocks her out!
Anyway, I'm not doing the blame game here, but oh, does all of this info. by my sister confuse the heck out of me.

The doctors think that mom will do o.k with the surgery.
They said that her vital signs are good, no diabetes or other such illnesses.
I have very mixed feelings about this right now. Margeaux

I have yet to meet a family that is not dysfunctional! I have studied a lot of psychology and every family has it quirks no matter how loving they were there are still issues.

My family is just nuts! This caregiver lost it yesterday with some family members and I don't care if I hurt their feelings or not. I am not walking on egg shells for stupid people.

I realize I sound harsh, but I have a niece that likes to catch my husband on Facebook and ask him how her grandma is doing. She is too lazy to pick up the phone and call her grandma, but she can ask my husband. You see she doesn't like to talk to me because as the saying goes, the truth hurts.

Well my niece asked how grandma was doing. I told her how she was doing and that I sent a link via email out on the 7 stages of Alzheimer's that she needed to read and learn about what was happening with grandma. Then my niece says she wanted to see her grandma. I asked when she was coming to visit because I travel a lot with my mom. My mom does much better mood wise when we travel, she likes to see things.

Anyway, my niece said we are coming next week. I told her that grandma was not going to be home and that her house was going to be closed. Then my niece says I wish I was going on the cruise. Well this is when I started to get really upset. You see I have to spend 6 months to pay on a cruise for my mom. My mom loves to cruise and visit other countries, so I try to do it once a year as long as she is able, but it takes me a lot of time and money to make it happen. Every cruise my niece has gone on her mother has paid for and every time we go with them, they ruin it so we don't go with them.

But anyway, I told her she needed to plan her visits on when grandma was going to be home. My niece is in her 30's, but she listens to her controlling mother, my sister.

Anyway, my niece decided she was done talking to me. But I continued to send her a messages telling her what I thought of her bad behavior.

I don't care what my sister and her children think of me, if they don't like me that is fine. But I happen to know that my mom their mom and grandma would love to hear from them more frequently. So if I upset or hurt their feelings, oh well they will have to get over it or through it.

So this caregiver and this is how I am doing with my nutty family! My family is truly nuts and I am the black sheep, which is ok with me.

Finally, some good news to share~
My 94 yr. old mother with broken hip/now screwed together...is going home this Friday! Yup...out of the rehab after and directly home.
So excited for her! She will have to stay on the main level of the house until she gets better with her walking. Her PA has been with Mom at rehab learning all of the exercises from the PT and OT so will keep up the program. Plus there will be home nursing care and whatever else Mom needs as she continues to recover. Yeah!!! Thanks for the prayers. In this case...prayer did help.
Bonnie

Bonnie that is great news!!

I have an older brother. He has done nothing to help with my Mom (except mooch off her). I suspected he was selling things of our late father's and pocketing some of the money. I was working on the computer & his email popped up. So I looked at it. Long story short, he found out, lost his temper and assaulted me. Got a Temporary Restraining Order and he is out of the house. My Mom has Alzheimer's and truly believes she saw what happened (she was in another room). She wants to testify for him at the hearing. So I have to drag out all her medical records to take to the hearing to show she is considered incapable of rational thought. The thing that really makes me angry is my brother took advantage of HER disease to get her to lie for him. There is nothing lower in my eyes.

in the past, I have asked him for help over and over and over. But he was always more concerned with his social life, than in spending a few hours here so I could attend a support meeting. I shouldnt be surprised. He is incapable of putting a dish in the dishwasher, so he did NOTHING for my Mom.

I have an older brother. He has done nothing to help with my Mom (except mooch off her). I suspected he was selling things of our late father's and pocketing some of the money. I was working on the computer & his email popped up. So I looked at it. Long story short, he found out, lost his temper and assaulted me. Got a Temporary Restraining Order and he is out of the house. My Mom has Alzheimer's and truly believes she saw what happened (she was in another room). She wants to testify for him at the hearing. So I have to drag out all her medical records to take to the hearing to show she is considered incapable of rational thought. The thing that really makes me angry is my brother took advantage of HER disease to get her to lie for him. There is nothing lower in my eyes.

in the past, I have asked him for help over and over and over. But he was always more concerned with his social life, than in spending a few hours here so I could attend a support meeting. I shouldnt be surprised. He is incapable of putting a dish in the dishwasher, so he did NOTHING for my Mom.

Bonnie,

I'm am so happy for you, in that your mom will be coming home. This is very good news. I'll keep her in my thoughts. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

How terrible for you! Hope your Mom doesn't have to go to the hearing. If she has the AL/Dementia, it would probably be in her best interest not to have the confrontations.
Good luck!

Margeaux~It is frustrating isn't it. I think your sister kindly included all of you in the decision but she had already decided what she was going to do. I do dislike the dou ble talk as you do. From what you said about your mother's situation, it sounds like she will do well as long as there are no complications. Of course with dementia, the event can progress your mother which she could recover and return to what is normal for her or she could progress to some degree permanently. It is a difficult decision. Please let us know how your mom is doing, today is Wednesday so I assume the surgery was today. Sending you love and hugs!!

Sharynmarie,

Yes, it's very frustrating! I was thinking exactly the very same thing yesterday and had a talk about exactly what you said to my neighbor. Even though my sister is such a controller, I really try to give her the benefit of the doubt. But all through this latest saga, I've tried as I have in the past to send her articles about the stages of the ALZ, to send info. about the gallstones. By her statements, I can see that she probably does not even bother to read them. Last weekend when I went over there for the so called meeting too, I had mentioned to her how I had read over and over again that apples and beets seem to be the food that is recommended to do a gallstone flush. Now I'm not saying I'd want to do a flush on/mother. But I thought we could grate some beets in apple sauce, a recipe given. My thinking was possibly we could do something to soften up the matter and they'd flush eventually. But I know, people and I'm 'not just saying sister, want a quick fix. To do something as I've suggested takes some time, patience and the following through; none of which, my sister has for this condition. When I told her of this remedy, she had that typical full of doubt/cynical look on her face, as in "sure." As far as I'm understanding, mother will still have to be on a very restricted diet even after the gallbladder surgery. It is an important organ in the body, way more than most of the medical community gives credit to it, for the function it serves. If any of you are having issues with it, I urge you to do your research. There are liver/gallbladder flushes apparently that work wonders on the body.

On the other hand also, I try to put myself into my sister's shoes. She
lives w/mom, and does a great amount of caregiving. In all of that, I do realize she is the one who has to experience mom going through the pain, and not eating. I on the other hand only hear about it. Last night I received a call, telling me that mom was better, and now had eaten a bit of something. She did admit then, that it's becoming hard to make a judgment call too.

Anyway, despite all of this, I'm really trying to stay positive about today's events.

Thank you Sharynmarie, I know what you have to contend with regarding your own sister, so do I. Hugs right back, Much Love & Let There Be Light! Margeaux

Well, I'm up and mentally preparing myself to go to join my mom and sister for the event today.

Margeaux~I totally understand what you are saying. Yes, I go through the same thing with my sister. I approached my sister twice before the move about what to move and she would say I have a good idea of what to have moved. She knew I wanted the love seat due to the small space. Instead she had them move the couch and hubby said she wanted to move the love seat as well. I am 5'8" and can lay on mom's couch with room left over plus the arm rests so I am guessing it is longer than 6'. Now I have a small dinettew/2chairs to take over there and with the couch, I don't know where we can put it without it being too cluttered because sis also had them move a glider/rocker with ottoman. There is about 3 ft. from the end of the couch to the refrigerator and directly across the room in approximately that 3 ft. of space is the glider. The door opens and when opened all the way, it comes right behind the glider so the dinette is going to be right there in the way when you enter. I don't know what she was thinking but she did the best she could just like the rest of us and I will leave it up to her if she decides to have my nephews swop out the couch for the love seat. It's not worth splitting hairs over and we learn from experience as we go along.

I will be thinking about you and your mom today, let us know how the surgery goes, hugs to you and positive thoughts!!

WOW!!!!!!! What a day we all had yesterday!!!!!
Before my husband and me left our place, I called my sister to get the last of the details about mom's surgery which was scheduled at 1:00 p.m. Since things kept changing constantly I didn't want us to drive so far and for it to be cancelled.

I then received a call from my sister, who was already at the hospital w/our golden boy brother and mom. They had to be there at 10:30 a.m., for the pre-op.
She started to tell me that my was shaking like a leaf. This was all she said, so I then asked if she thought he might be nervous about mom's procedure. She said
that she didn't know what was happening to him, but he didn't look good. I could hear the distress in her voice. So I suggested that maybe he needed to be checked by a doctor. She agreed, but I guess she was having a struggle w/him to follow her advice. This was definitely a plea for help, and I'm on the other side of town. Here I was trying to keep my cool about mom, and now this phone call.

As my husband and I were on our way, I thought, "Well I hope my sister called his kids, it's time they start looking out after their own dad."

Apparently when this was happening, mother still had not been admitted and they were in a main lobby of the hospital. So my sister alerted the reception desk about my brother. The reception then put out a call on the public address system that a doctor was needed ASAP. She said, that about 60 doctors suddenly came crawling out of everywhere approaching them, and they brought some monitors, and a wheel chair. They took my brother to the ER section of the hospital to see what was going on.

Anyway, meanwhile my husband and me left our place. Upon arrival, we asked at the reception desk where mother could be, since I didn't see my sister anywhere. Finally they escorted me to another floor.As I was going in, I saw my sister exiting on another side. But the reception/asst. continued to escort me towards mother's room. Mom was gone. Now I met my sister outside this area, and she said, "They just took mom in for surgery." It was only 12:00, apparently they'd moved her up since there was a cancellation. I was a little frustrated since I wanted to see her before she went in. "Oh well." Now we were on our way to see what was going on w/my brother in ER.

My brother by now had been examined. He is an extremely high strung individual, and has always been this way. I came to discover that he's had the Shingles for the last month, and has been going to work in this condition.
He has been on a weight reduction venture for several mos. now. He told me that he runs 3 miles a day, and this is after a graveyard shift. Anyway, it looks as if he was extremely de-hydrated. I went in there into his room. I tried talking to him and getting a sense of what occurred at least a day prior to he feeling this way. But he is so hard to talk to, he wants to do all the talking with almost zero listening. It's as if he just takes the floor, hardly allowing one to get a word in edge wise, in a very loud voice. He is such a draining person.

Two of his kids did show up, and they have very immature attitudes. They give me the feeling that they are not much of any real help in a circumstance as such to my brother when he needs them. Since my brother drove there alone, the plan was for one of them to drive him back home, if they released him.

My youngest brother also showed up later at the hospital.
Finally about 2 hrs. after mom had been in the surgery, the doctor came out.
He said that everything had gone well. The gallbladder and stones were removed. They did find something in her liver, so they're doing a biopsy.
Mom was now in the recovery room. So meanwhile, we were like chickens with our heads cut off running between Laparoscopic surgery to the ER. Ay yay yay!!
Oy vey!! By this time, I was starting to feel a bit nutty!

Later, I finally went in to see mom. She was totally knocked out!
I stayed with her for about 15 mins. By now, I was feeling a combination of being wound up, but drained especially by the golden boy experience on top of everything else. He was released. Interesting though, his son had to leave to go pick up his niece from school. So my brother's daughter was left there with her 2 yr. old baby, who by now was really fussy, so she left too. My youngest brother ended up taking golden boy home.

They did keep mother there overnight, of which I was glad, because this in other circumstances seems to be an in and out procedure.

My husband and me left the hospital in the early evening.
Later my sister called me from the hospital. She said that mom was wide awake, felt no pain, (probably still anesthetized), was eating Jello and crackers.
She also was chatty. This was very good to hear.

Anyway, it was a long day, and I'm glad it's today!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

This is the brother with all of the drama at his household that still has the grown kids living with him.

How funny is that!!

This last sentence, explaining about my brother came up as a tag line, at the very end, but it makes it more clear. HAAH!

Margeaux~I am so happy hear your mom is doing well, how relieved you sound. However, your poor brother!! Having Shingles is so painful. Hubby had it when he was only in his thirties. He worked too, but he was in a lot of pain. I worked with a woman a couple years ago who got it and her dr. pulled her out of work for a week because it can be contagious. It's a shame your brother's family was not very thoughtful of him. I am guessing they put him on IV drip to rehydrate him before releasing him. Sis had that happen twice after she was first diagnosed with diabetes. The second time she was at work and collapsed, they called an ambulance. I am glad to hear your mom is doing well and I hope your brother takes better care of himself after what he went through yesterday. You must have been exhausted by the time you got home. I gotta get going, meeting sis and someone from mom's LTC policy at the community to evaluate her living situation for approval, get her laundry done, and have lunch with her. I'll update later on how she is doing and what is going on with me emotionally. Take care and lots of hugs to you!!

Sharynmarie,

Thank you so much for your concern, I really appreciate it.
The last week and a half has been a roller coaster with mom's various visits to the ER, and hospital. Then all of the decision making process about she having/not having the surgery. Thinking we weren't going to do it, then it happened anyway. I'm glad yesterday is behind us. But we'll now wait and see whether the removal of the gallbladder hopefully makes her more comfortable.
I personally still was very conflicted, as per my searches.
A drip was given to him to hydrate. Oh!!! He made me get jittery just watching him be so hyper. When I first walked in the room, he was on the cell telling someone how the doc had just been in to say that all his vitals were good, no diabetes, blah di blah. He was talking very loudly, as he always does. At the end of this conversation, he said, "The doctor said I was in perfect health."
Why would someone say this, after some of the things that have happened to him this last year, health wise. I think he's in complete denial.

About my brother. His situation at his household to be one of the grown un-weds, with their own children living there. They are all continuing to drain little economic resources on my brothers end. In other words, he's towing the line for his kids, and then their own. Complete chaos, if you ask me.

It's too bad, this May will be a year that he had asked his wife to leave the household. They for a very long time had a very dysfunctional marriage, and family life regarding my niece and nephews, and their kids (grandkids). Essentially my brother threw her out. From what I've heard, he nor she have come forth to try to even have a conversation about what their future is going to be. His wife went ahead and rented a place. So, my sister and me realize, that now there's only one income at my brother's. This must not be easy at all for him.
But, we've become increasingly frustrated by this, because of course we as his siblings get drawn in too. We also see how it's affecting his health. I sure hope he wakes up and smells the coffee.

Good luck with your meeting, and hope you are well. Hugs, Much Love & Light!
Margeaux

Margeaux and Sharyn...wow you two have been through a hellish week for sure!
Did your mom get home from hospital?
Your golden brother...well, bet that is a description we can all understand! It must have been wild at the hospital.
Here's one for you...true, too
My neighbor Sharon age 55 was having some surgery that was going to put her in bed for several weeks at home, so she asked her mother to come and help take care of her.
Mother, 82 came from Ohio to WA. The entire family is uptight worried about Sharon. It was a beautiful sunny day, I was home sewing when I had a phone call from Mrs. B (the mom). Bonnie, come here right now, I've fallen and hurt my leg.
Well, nervous wreck me, runs over and rings the front door bell. Stupid! So I go around the back and find Mrs. B with her leg wrapped in the dog's towel by the sliding doors.
She was calm as can be asking me to go get a bandaid and some clean rags.
Eventually, I talked her into calling 911 and our local Medic One came, hauled her off to the hospital. I was shaking like a leaf and drove behind the ambulance.
Now, Sharon is in surgery. Sharon's husband is in waiting room...and Mrs. B and I are in the ER.
One doctor after another came in to see this 82 year old woman who had a horrible jagged "J" from knee to ankle. The accident was from standing on a folding ladder, leaning over and reaching to the top of the apple tree, when the hinge twerked and the top round thing on the folding part of the ladder tore an inch thick and inch deep cut down her leg, as the ladder was falling over on her.

Wow.....the next day our newspaper says Apple picking can be dangerous!

I ran into the EMTs at Safeway a few weeks later and they asked about her. "She's home but not making apple pies!"
Now we had Sharon bedridden, and Mrs. B also. so I became the caregiver. My main job was to rent videos and make lunch. Everyone healed well and we caught up on lots of missed movies!
Mrs. B is now 96 and still walking fine and dandy!
Margeaux, I hope you Golden Brother listens to his sisters who have good inisights. Better than his kids.
Bonnie
You two rock!
Bonnie