The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hubby, mom, and I are going Chinese for Christmas! In our little town almost nothing else is open; anyway, we LIKE Chinese food!  Merry Christmas you all!

Christmas is only a week away and I'm dreading it a bit, but finding this page and reading everyone's stories has helped my feelings a great deal.

I've been trying to make plans for my mother and it is a nightmare. I told her a few days ago to ask my brother about plans for Christmas because we all went to his son's home last year Christmas Day which she claims not to remember. She suggested having it at our house and I told her I didn't care, but I didn't think that would go over to well since my living in the house is such an issue. Anyway he said he didn't know and he wasn't really feeling the Christmas spirit. So she tells me she will just go with his family to his MIL's on Christmas Eave like she did last year which I didn't know she did. Then today she tells me he didn't think the NH would allow her to be out late and when they go to his MIL's it's sometimes midnight before they are done. So she said she thought they open presents with the grand kids at home then go to his MIL's next door so she would just go to that and then back to the NH. Then she calls me and says he doesn't know exactly what they're going to do. Confusion much? So I told her I still plan to pick her up Christmas Day about lunch and bring her to the house if that's ok. She said ok and she would do something Christmas Eave and not to worry about it. My family and I were not invited over this year. I am the bad guy, though.

This is the 3rd Christmas without my dad and he always tried to make it special. He really loved Christmas! And our 1st without my MIL so it's going to be difficult enough without added drama. My little family and I stayed home Thanksgiving and didn't visit with anyone just to avoid drama on my in-laws side. I'm seriously wishing we were doing the same for Christmas, but I can't just leave my mother in the NH nor not visit my FIL on Christmas Eave like we have for nearly 30 years. So I will just do the best I can. I plenty to do working on the house to keep my mind occupied working on the house while I am off for the holidays.

I almost forgot, I would like to explain a little more about considering building a small apartment or buying a small mobile home for my mother while my family is living in the house. I know that sounds like I am putting her in a shack or something while I am living it up in a nice house. My parents moved to the house from a falling down mobile home and my mother thought it was a down grade which it wasn't. The house is special to me, but it's not a mansion. It's about 1100 sq.ft 2 bedroom little farm house and was built in 1929 by my grandfather. It has the original doors and windows which are not insulated and do not really seal, no insulation in the walls, very few kitchen cabinets, no closets, a 50 year old metal roof (no leaks yet thank goodness), front and back porch need replacing, and many other issues. It is sound, though. My dad did rewire it and replace the plumbing up to code and put in central heat and air. He had my husband put in a handicap bathroom for my mom. There is a lot of potential, but it will require a lot of time and money. If she were to improve enough and show she could stay by herself next door to us in an apartment or small mobile home either would be setup for a handicap person with ramps, retrofitted bathroom etc. I wouldn't try to make her live in something that was not up to code or falling down. She just doesn't need a lot of space because she can't keep it up. For example:Today when I visited her there was soft drink can on the floor in her room that had been knocked off a cabinet and spewed everywhere. Her room had already been cleaned for the day so shejust left it there. I asked her about and she said she didn't know it was there. This kind of thing builds up if ignored which is what she did before the NH combined with hoarding. I am just not seeing her moving out of the NH because she won't change. It's been like this my entire 46 years on this earth. Adding on a room for her isn't an option because I won't be her servant and I can't tolerate letting things become such a mess. I don't keep a perfect spotless house, but it's always presentable and you wouldn't be afraid to touch anything or walk barefoot on the floor.

My husband and I still plan on moving forward with the apartment as he has purchased a building to convert much like a larger version of a tiny house. If she doesn't move into it I guess it can be used by friends that sometimes visit from out of state.

Sorry to vent! I hope everyone on here finds peace and relief.

Trying, Just my opinion but I would not bring her home. She is not going to change and the way she lives could be very unsafe and possibly unsanitary. And you do not need to be her servant. If the house is half yours, your brother has no reason to object. Although I've put up with plenty of brother garbage myself. I hope that you have a nice time with your husband and child. Carve out space for just your husband and child and to visit your FIL.

Split pea soup sounds so yummy! I miss Pea Soup Andersen’s in California.
Becky, I am sorry about your poor cousin. It must be a relief for her to have you there for support. Congratulations on the birth of your and PJ’s granddaughter! She sounds perfect.

Golden, Glad your post op visit was good news except for getting new lenses. That is a long time to wait. The Christmas dinner sounds interesting, haven’t heard of it before. You get left overs! That is always a plus!

Monday was a bad day here. Hubs got in an accident, totaling his truck he is fine as well as the other driver, thank goodness! He was using my car while I was at work. When he got in the car to come pick me up, my car was dead. He charged it, got it started, it died 2 blocks from home. He thinks it’s electrical. Now to see about getting it towed to a mechanic. I honestly don’t want to put anymore money into my car, yet, what else can we do when hubs will need a vehicle too? Boo hoo, life goes on and we will manage one way or another

Golden, the porridge drawer - what fresh H*ll is this??? I thought I'd tried every variation on the porridge horror theme after all those years at boarding school!

Porridge drawer?! That sounds disgusting! Pour the porridge n the correct drawer, don't use the silverware drawer. Not even refrigerated? I remember how thick oatmeal would get just the leftovers in the pan. I cannot imagine doing this intentionally. Does it stay in the drawer until used? 😵

I can understand those who may not like the thicker consistency. I prefer pea soup, but pease porridge is close and quite edible to me, and it is part of sil's heritage.

becky - rough go for your cousin. A young person at work years ago was a survivor of ovarian cancer in that she was clear 3 years after treatment. I don't know how they caught it soon enough. Congrats on the new grandbaby. Medical care of preemies is good these days. Sweet name, Holly.

dori!!! M&M!!! I have one 2 1/2 blocks away. Yes, i am a Canuck too. I have heard great things about them, but never tried them due to my allergies. Sounds like a good compromise.

mally - Merry Christmas to you, too. Chinese sounds great! Memories of the movie "A Christmas Story" with Ralphie and family.

Trying - holidays are very difficult for many. I agree with Becky. It is good for your nuclear family to have space for yourselves. There are enough stresses anyway. Whatever you decide, look after yourself. I am glad reading here helps you. It surely has helped me. A visitors unit sounds good as long as your mum does not assume it is hers. I have never thought that you were thinking of shoving her into a substandard place. You would not do that. The NH is a good place for her, and, just as importantly, for you. Vent away. That is part of what we are here for!

sharyn - yes good news though I am getting some ghost images originating from the left eye when I look at type on TV. Heck! Two is better than one Right? As long as I can see decently well and pass my drivers medical I don't care. So sorry to hear about the accident and other car troubles, but great that hub and the other guy are OK. Won't insurance get him a new vehicle? Electrical problems in a car are a b*tch. Yes, you will manage. There is no alternative.

Oh cm - I suspect we could wrote a book on the culinary horrors of boarding school. Spotted dick, dead man's leg and Brighton Beach come to mind. The cook at my boarding school was Dickensian - large, frouzy grey-white hair, very red face, and always with a nervous smile and a dingy apron. Trust the Scots to be frugal with their porridge and store it in a drawer. Oliver Twist would not have asked for more.

glad - it stays in the drawer till used up as far as I know.

from scotsman.com/news/a-slice-of-porridge-has-always-been-top-drawer
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IT HAS to be said that Robert C Walker must have led a sheltered life ('Porridge drawer smells suspicious', Letters, January 22). Porridge in the drawer was certainly a staple in some east of Scotland agricultural communities. I am "only" 42, but can remember getting a "slab o' parritch fae the drawer" as a youngster. Served with homemade jam it was ambrosia. The practice was certainly not unhygienic as the drawer was scrubbed scrupulously after it was emptied and lined with baking paper or greaseproof paper before being refilled.
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Minus freaking 13F, feels like minus 27F, today and I have to go out to an appointment. Getting set up with snow angels again as more snow is coming. Oh well, we are halfway through December, so there are only 2 months of the really bad stuff ahead. Can I get in enough groceries to last me 2 months, so I don't have to go out? Hmmmm!

Have a good one, everyone!

Just heard from mother's audiologist.

Her old hearing aid is crushed and irreparable.

I am thinking of writing a book titled, "Run Over By a Wheelchair."

Some days I feel like that.

Golden, I once tried to break into an old hearing aid just to see what was inside but the danged thing was pretty much indestructible, it seemed too much bother to saw it in half and a hammer would have smashed it to smithereens. How, oh how could her hearing aid have been crushed?!

cwillie - it is one of those mysteries. Maybe the old geezers on her unit need a challenge, "How many passes to crush a hearing aid?" Maybe it was a loaded cart from the kitchen. Maybe...Danged if I know!

Uff da
Crushed hearing aids ?
Left out in the snow and run over by a reindeer?

The Viking is starting to get some strength back following her sepsis last month
She pinched her OT three times yesterday and then asked why he left ?

Viking.....You Go Girl!

Yay!!! Go Viking go!!! Sic a reindeer on him!

Ms Madge, Glad to hear the Viking is getting her sass back.

Same as I say....

Viking really likes the OT?

I have had mashed peas in both Ireland and Scotland,, not my most favorite dish. But I live with a hubs who's mother made "cheese peas",, the only way he would eat them. Peas with melted Velveeta cheese on them! And we still make them!

Peas and Velveeta? UGH. Mom used to melt Velveeta over cauliflower then I thought it was yummy. But then ex called it floor scraping cheese. Ugh!

Golden that polar vortex is heading this way. Please do what you can to divert it. I guess unusually warm fall is now gone for good. Brrrrr!

My stepmom LOVED her Velveeta. We (me and my step-siblings) used to make fun of her "plastic cheese loaf" when we were kids, but I swear....her mac and cheese was the best. I used to ask for it as a grown up, when she'd ask me what I wanted for birthday dinner, lol.

Hi all. I had a little melt down today. I came in fed my mother, mopped hallway and went to bed happy that tonight was my last night before christmas. I came down to feed my mother and noticed door was open. There is a two way lock on door to keep my mother in. First I look for is the meals on wheel, the bag is not there. I assumed my nephew and or sister took her somewhere. I am out of the loop with her care, have no access to her information as deemed by my sister and they never tell me where or if they are going anywhere. So I automatically assume she is with them. Anyways I opened gate to see if I had package and then went on to get dressed for work. While on train my nephew called. He never calls not for years. Ask if my mother is with me. I say no I thought she was with yall. Maybe she with your mother. He says he is calling and when I call back I am told she is not. so now my mother is missing. I boo hoo almost for an hour. I know I locked door! This is my fault!! where is my mother. I hadnt cried like that since I took train home the night my grandmother died in hospital. (By the way my mother nor my sister came to hospital as she was dying) Anyways aafter Neph tells me she not with twister. I keep calling to see if she was found police called all the good stuff. Meanwhile I am halfway to work. I could not abandon that responsibility and not call. After I am cried out. I realize its nothing much I could actually do. I had called my friend to go to house to see if she was found as my sister nor my nephew would answere my calls. He says my twisteer was standing on corner and Millie a neighbor who was close to my mother. He didnt know if they had called police but he and millie went looking for her. He came back to house my sister was upstairs he asked her if she had called police and she says for what. I had asked him to stay thinking the police call had been made. Meanwhile I was calling precinct but they kept telling no missing person was reported from my address. Any way later on my nephew called and said they had found her. I asked him if he had been by earlier. I gave a vaugue answer. I was also very grateful he called and thanked him as he was not answereing my calls nor my sister. At that time I was waiting for a relieef and really upset that no one reported my mother missing and that this was a headups for everyone that she needs a home attendant. Naturrally I blamed my self but I make sure o lock that door. My nehew or myself could have accidently left it unlocked. I dont know. Anyway I sent my sister a text, locking the doors, cutting off gas to stove is not the way to address dementia. She needs a home attendant. I was on my way home to call and make report and with that I was going take legal action to take over care if my sister had not called police. All I know is a report was not filed or called in at my precinct. I practicalyly begged for the task force number or a seargent as they found my mother right away the wait was waiting for them to repspond and it took three calls before they came. I am thinking by the time I get to work there would be some word with my nephew being a member of the force with to promotion I dont know searggent or luitenant but with some type of pull to put things in motion. When I worked EMS we always got notice to look for thisw or that type of car or person while riding that waa stolen or missing and the area.

Anyway I text my sister. It will probably be erased. I said most of the things on my hear t and informed her she made herself legally responsible for my mothers care and locking her in and turning off gas to stove is not a proper way to care for her thatshe needs a homeattendant and if she doesnot get one soon things will change legally.

I hate making that statement. I told her to take a good look at herself. Her animosity towards me is only hurting her and my mother (well me too but I wont admit that to her) In fact this is first I am letting her know I am aware that she is legally incharge of my mother care due to health care proxy. I found out when I call my catching them on a visit to doctor. Got there late and was told they could give me noinformation the doctor couldnt talk to me and I could not get infor on appts, That was a shock and painful. She hass no clue my mother needs to be spoon fed. She still leaves bread and packs of sandwich meat and a tomatoe in fridgge like my mother is able to say I feel like a sandwich and fix it. I am so frustrated. I dont know where my text is going to lead. I am honestly mentally and emotionally exhuasted. I dont really want to take thing to another level but realisticly I may have to as my mother is not getting any better.

Boy, I wish my therapy was in place. I will call the counselor I just talk to about this also. I thank God she is safe. I know this road is going to get really rocky.+So I think all my frustrations and fears came to a head and came pouring out.
I know this is a book and worthy to be a whine.

I was almost caught up. I had wanted to make a joke about how my little christmas tree was gone and probably in one of the shopping carts. By the way she took shopping cart with her on this trip. and she has them loaded. I mean loaded. I started going through one looking for the tree plant and came accross a lot of stinky old stuff. Every week I try to empty out a bag or two and toss when I go to laundry.
Well I'm on my way to another book so I will stop. Here.

I do realize there are so many out there with problems worst than my own. My heart goes out to everyone in pain and turmoil. After tonight I wont be back on line until maybe chirstmas I am still in my right mind (lol) but not really lol.

So Merry Christmas to you all. Wish you much love and joy.

Merry Christmas

Okay one more thing please. My old friend has been so very supportive. He had been calling a lot since last time my mother wandered. He was right there. I was in a very emotionallt abusive relationship with him for a very long time. There is nothing left for him in my heart. But I have stepped in and helped him out at times in past. he was dislocated from his apartment of over 40 years due to this real estate boom in NYC buildings are being bought and renoveated and sold for millions and rents are skyrocketing. Anyways he got this lovely apartment, with balcony and he was just offereing to me to come there and cook my sunday dinners anytime I want. I was grateful and then today I was able to ask him to go see if my mother was found or what was going on. I went through a lot with him. I was glad and felt good that I could call and he would be right there. Even if he knows"we" are done. It meant a lot that I could call and he went right over there to check for me. So its not all bad going on, that little bit of good outshines the bad. The support felt good.

Madge ~ Great to hear about your mom getting some recovery from the sepsis. :-)

Golden ~ What would you do if Life ever slowed down for you? :-) You could write quite the book, I think.

Hey everybody ~ The talk about Christmas dinners is nice. The porridge drawer is a new idea to me. Doesn't sound too terrible to me. I would think the porridge would taste like whatever you put with it - salt, butter, sugar, etc.

I'm working a lot of hours doing the rideshare driving plus staying busy with all the other odds & ends projects I'm working on. I called to set up appointment with, hopefully, my new PCP in this area. I need to talk to her about everything that's happened with my health in past 5 years and the lingering problems. If nothing else, I want a doc to give me input on how to monitor my blood sugar levels better. And a sleep study would be SOMETHING towards understanding why my sleep can be so strange. I think my daily headaches are because of the problems with sleep, but honestly I'm not certain. Soooooo... I'm still having symptoms almost daily. Some days I feel "surely I am improving" and then I won't sleep that night for no apparent reason, or I'll have a very bad headache for hours that doesn't improve with NSAIDs, and then I think I'm falling apart again. ;-) I don't care what the actual problems are, I just want to manage the symptoms better and have more focus and energy. I can't keep having a couple of days a week where I'm feeling lousy to the point that I'm barely functioning, so here's to hoping a new doctor will have some input for me.

I'll drive a few hours down to my brother's house sometime this Friday, I think, and stay for a week and see friends in the area for the New Year's. I've done some thinking about how to keep family interactions from going negative this holiday season. I think this will be a relatively calm year. I COULD BE WRONG. lol But no, I think things will be more even keel for many reasons, lots of small and big changes I've made during the past years as I was learning more about how to stop dysfunction both within myself and coming from others, and now I'm out from under the issues related to caregiving.  That in and of itself makes everything more calm, because no one will be asking me questions about "what's going on."  Those "tell us everything about (dad's) health and the house situation" conversations NEVER seemed to go well. lol   And, my bro's kids are older, so there isn't as much run-around chaos as there used to be.  Just all around, I'm picturing a pretty chill holiday week.  

I took some cold medicine to clear my sinuses and it's kicking in. Good night!! (((((Hugs))))) to all of you.

pamz - never had mashed peas, aka mushy peas. I like green peas, but have never made them with cheese. Sounds OK to me.

glad - cauliflower cheese (any kind of cheese) - love it. One of my latest faves is mashed cauliflower, like mashed potatoes. You can add garlic, onion, cheese or whatever, and it is low carb, lower calorie, and freezes well.

dori - happy memories of birthday mac and cheese! I had Velveeta as a child too. :)

duck so many emotions, memories and worries about your mother. I am glad that she was found safe and sound, but I share your concern about your sis not providing properly for her. You may have to take it further. So glad that your friend is helpful now and the two of you can get along. I hope your therapy sessions can get set up soon. Support always feels good, Merry Christmas to you too.

ali - methinks slow down will not happen soon, and maybe never, unless I go the way mother is going, and then it will be my kids' problem. Hope you get a great PCP and she helps you figure out your health issues. Blood sugar levels relate to diet, exercise and stress. We have control over diet and exercise, and some over stress. Sleep is another issue, the lack of which causes stress and messes up many things. I think a sleep study is a great idea. Your holiday plans sound good. I hope your visit and the new year are peaceful for you.

Lab results show my thyroid is a little high and I can feel it. If the doc's office doesn't call, I will make an appointment to get a lower dose.

Hair and nail appointments are made for next week. My stomach is touchy, so I don't want to go out too much. I actually went off coffee and chocolate for a day. My remedy for stomach ailments is baked beans and other legumes. The theory, according to moi, is that they help the good bugs to grow, and it seems to work. I feel better today. Pea soup for lunch!

Quite cold here today but, it is supposed to be up to the positive single digits this afternoon. Anything above minus 25 is a bonus. The forecast is showing decent winter weather into January. Yay!!!

Golden didn't you get fed "Peas pudding" at your Boarding school. It was the right era. We were fed this muck on a regular basis. One of my other hates was tapioca pudding (frogs spawn)

I too really enjoy cauliflower cheese, hubby on the other hand is a meat fan. His Dad was associated with the Smithfield meat market in London for many years. There was always meat of the highest quality on their dinner table.
My absolute favorite is roast lamb with mint sauce. I could not find it in the US when we first came but once we had horses and would ride through wet land I would small it so a few roots came home and we were never short again.

Never had pease pudding at boarding school, Veronica, nor tapioca pudding. Lots of marmite and heels of bread though.

Roast lamb with mint sauce was my mother's favourite meal for entertaining people for dinner. It was my job to go out and pick the mint and chop it. None of the jellied stuff in those days. For years I had mint in my garden here. The problem was keeping it under control. I had a major landscaping job done and lost it all, as well as my rhubarb. which I still miss. 😞

Just got a call from the insurance people over the dispute we started over the claim -nosey sob trying to find out stuff which as already been settled that he can use against us, or intimidate us with. I kept telling him to call R who has more of some of that info than I have, and finally got testy with him. What a snake!!! Made excuses, excuses and excuses. I don't want to hear his "poor us" story about dealing with the number of claims they had. Just deal with the issues we have now. Aaaargh!!!

Stomach is settling down. I am soaking black beans to make black bean and lime soup tomorrow. May add a bit of chili to it. Mmmmm good!

Golden, I've never had any luck keeping mint under control without resorting to black plastic. But I do love fresh mint.

Everyone's talk of dinners and I haven't made many plans yet. Jay is doing prime rib; not my favorite. Twins want fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans and biscuits. Pam is baking pies. Maybe I'll get inspired.

Becky, when I first moved to Brooklyn and had a garden, I planted mint the first Spring.

The next Spring, I went back to the plant sale at the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens and asked to buy more mint, as I'd killed the previous batch. One plant lady looked at the other and said "she killed mint".

Their significant glances and sighs told me that I was a marked woman at that institution. I bought some liriope (it's still there, 30 years later and I no longer own the house) and called it a day!

becky I grew it along the foundation on the north side of the house in a shady spot where it could spread all it liked and it did. We treated it like a weed in the lawn. After, I wondered if keeping it in a pot would contain it. Fresh mint is lovely. Good for Pam for baking. Dinner ideas - turkey???? ham???? Ham was our Christmas Eve meal, turkey our Christmas Day dinner. Kids always seem to like fried chicken and mashed potatoes. My oldest son wanted that and peas for his birthday for years.

barb - LOL You have a reputation now! The mint killer! That's funny. I love liriope but have never lived anywhere warm enough to grow it.