The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Golden, they sold me the liriope as it is unkillable. Apparently, places like BBG have "special" plants that they sell to folks like me. Probably a good thing that I live in an apartment now!

Golden, I don't how, but I had mint on one side of thriveway. It sprung up in a hens and chickens pot on the other side of driveway. Double concrete drive. I love the smell of mint. I have it on back side of my house at the lake. It never spreads to the lakeside. We're having a big buffet on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day I think I'll do the fried chicken. It's easy enough and everyone likes it. Pam says she can still taste that meal. She's on a med that has affected her taste. She is diving into Christmas. Her first one without her husband and ill on top of that. Everyone have a nice evening. It's snowing again and cold.

barb I gather you have a "brown" thumb lol. Unkillable plants are good in any garden. Do you have indoor plants in your apartment? I have 20 in the house now and just transplanted an ivy, and exchanged positions (north-south windows) of two plants in hopes they will do better. I am going to jump in on eyerishlass's thread to respond to your post there.

becky - another one of those mysteries of life. I had a lilac sprout up in a rose bed and left it there as I wanted one anyway. Donated by a bird no doubt. It is big enough to flower now, though it didn't this year. Some plants liked the massive forest fire we had last spring and some didn't. I think you were not on board here when our whole city was evacuated due to a forest fire, May 2016. Some plants have thrived afterwards to my surprise. The hostas, roses and junipers liked it. Mountain ash too. For dinner chicken is great and nice for Pam. She sounds like a trooper.

golden - how is your eye doing post-surgery? Been wondering about that!

Barb - I have to admit....I didn't know it was possible to kill mint. Sorry, but I'm giggling. ;-)

Today was a bust because my knee injury is flaming in pain (it snowed yesterday). So I wound up just coming back here and napping while mom was at dialysis. We had just enough time to stop at M&M meats on the way home, before home support arrived. I picked up the spareribs and some stuffed potatoes, some Nanaimo bars....and a box of buttercream/chocolate dessert bars that I hid in the back of the freezer just for me!!

'Tis the season to eat my feelings, fa la la la, la la la la!

Also I just finished making plans with BFF that I'll go there after dinner on Christmas day, regardless of whether bro is here that day. And I'm not going back on it. Bro can spend the evening with mom if he's here. And I can spend some time with mom during the day, and still see BFF's grandbabies for a little bit, and then play games and chillax with my friends. I don't think I'll survive Christmas if I have to spend all of it with my own family, lol!

It's funny....they have a somewhat common last name, but sometimes I think it's not a coincidence that my BFF's family has the same last name as my stepmom's family!

Barb, That is totally skilled gardening to be able to kill mint. And to be recognized by a botanical garden, no less! I salute you.

In Maine, they burn off the wild blueberry fields every other spring to make them produce better.

Sitting here reading the latest posts has made me laugh and cry. We have to find some humor or we will go mad!

I have had a somewhat productive day. I boxed up most of the remaining hoard and a local charity is picking it up in the morning. It will be such a relief for it to be gone! And it was a warm 70 degrees in Georgia today so working in the shop was comfortable! Cold weather really makes me hurt all over.

After the charity picks up the stuff. I'm helping my FIL do some cleaning to get ready for company this weekend. That will Be a breeze compared to what I'm used to doing and I do love spending time with him. He has been like a second dad all these years.

My mom called me this morning asking what I was doing. I had to go buy a new commode for one of the bathrooms because it has never flushed correctly, poor design. So I explained to her I had to go to Lowe's and run a few errands then get the stuff ready for the charity to pickup. Plus I had to go to the funeral home tonight because a childhood friend of my father had passed away. And then she pouts, "Well I thought you were coming to visit today". I visited Thursday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. I never said I was visiting today. My last day of school was Tuesday, I'm a teacher. I have spent most of my time off since summer break (and used several of my sick days) either cleaning, visiting, taking her to appointments, or handling her business. So I tell her I have a chiropractor appointment in town Friday and I'll come by when I'm done. Then I get the well what do you need to go to a chiropractor for? She thinks they're "quacks". I was going every couple of months before she got sick over the summer, but haven't had time since that and that's exactly what I told her. I know she's annoyed and/or pouting still because she didn't call me this evening. We already had to have a discussion about doing her laundry just once a week when I visited Monday and returned the clothes I washed. Every couple of days she is telling me she is almost out of clean house dresses. So as I was putting the clean ones in the small chest of drawers I counted them and she has 20!!!! And all of them are in great shape. I tell her how many she has and she says she didn't know they were in there. Bull! She pulls from all 4 drawers because if she didn't at least 1 would be empty. I'm putting a stop to the little games and manipulation. I've had enough.

I will visit her while I'm off, but i have a long list of things that need doing around the house. First of which is installing a new commode. However, I'm taking a day or two for me. On those days I'm going to be completely lazy and read or maybe watch The Walking Dead reruns. And limited phone conversations!

Thanks for the laughs and prayers for all of you to stay strong get through this life one day at a time.

Barb, any chance you might hire yourself out? Insurers are refusing cover on land infested with Japanese knotweed or Himalayan balsam; there've been horror stories about giant hogweed; and I'd love you to pop over and have a chat with my bindweed and ground elder, too. Could be a nice little earner for you. You could wear a Judge Doom style costume - the plants would see you coming and shrink whimpering into the undergrowth, like the toons in 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit?'...

CM, you've made me laugh! Thank you!

And yes, I have some houseplants.  When they die, I go to Lowe's and buy new ones. :)

Talking about plants... I was listening on the radio during the drive back to work from lunch. A caller was telling his story. Background: Here on island, we have sleeping grass. I always love to show it the young ones (little nieces/nephews age 2). It never fails to amaze me that no other adult has ever shown them these sleeping grasses. I would stop and tell them to watch. I then bend down, and slowly touch the tiny leaves, and it would slowly close. They get a kick out of it and want to try it too. So, off we go, looking for more sleeping grass. (Unfortunately, when you touch one leaf, it triggers the other leaves to close, too.)

Anyway, this caller (local native of our island) was working in the Philippines. He was told to pull out all the weeds. He did. When the boss came back, he was aghast that he pulled out a rare plant. The caller was confused. The boss pointed to the potted plant and said that he pulled out a rare plant. The caller said, "No, you told me to weed, and I did." The boss said that the sleeping plant is rare. It can only be found in XXXXXX (my island's name)... We all started laughing. Those sleeping grasses are all over the island. It's hard to believe that this weed is considered rare...

I knew YEARS ago when my Mom (who now has Alzheimers) told me that she was going to move down the street from my Narcissistic Sister that this dysfunction would happen. There is no pleasing my Sister. The dysfunction that we had before my Mothers diagnosis is only 10X worse now. We are currently estranged... AGAIN. Within the past 7 years we have been estranged 4 years. I was hoping that we could all (Younger brother, Narcissistic Sister and I) could come together as a family to care for my Mom. It isn't happening. Makes me so sad.

From Easteagle: Hi All, Hopefully after Xmas, I will have enough time to sit down and read all of your posts over again. I do apologize for not adding any input or advice, but lately I have been feeling overwhelmed with all the craziness and drama that is happening with my Mother and Brother. Well, as it turns out, we will be having some bad weather here, starting late Xmas Eve into Christmas morning. So that totally lets us off the hood, so to speak, about going to my Mother's for Xmas. I have already informed her that we are staying home, both Xmas Eve and Christmas Day, and our three Daughters and their Families will be coming to our house on Xmas Eve during the day. My Mother said she understood the reasons why we do not want to drive 2 hours round trip, and she seemed to be OK with it. But, I know that my Brother and his Wife, and the Cousin who helps to drive my Mother around, and other relatives, will certainly have something to say about us staying home. After hearing the weather reports, it looks like our kids will have to leave earlier than planned to make it home before any bad weather comes in. So we live in the Metro West area of Massachusetts, southwest of Boston. Our 3 Daughters also live near us, in our "neck of the woods." My Mother, Brother, and all my other relatives live on the other side of Boston, on the North Shore. That is how we describe who lives where. "The other side of the Bridge" means that we have to drive through Boston, to get to the North Shore, and vice versa. So, if we had planned on going to my Mother's, we would have ended up having to cancel our plans. I am not sure what time my Brother is returning from Florida, he only said - Xmas Eve. But he didn't tell my Mother what time that would be. So, I would like to ask for your advice, again. I would like to know what I can say to my Mother, IF anything. She is really stressed out trying to figure out how she can wash her hair by herself, and soak her feet by herself. Of course, she can't do any of these things without help, and she has not been able to take a shower, or wash her hair or feet for weeks now. I could get a ride from my youngest Daughter, she could drive me to my Mother's house, and we could help her take a shower, wash her hair and soak her feet. But, I don't think we could keep that up all the time. I was really hoping that my Mother would accept the help from the Elder Services, but she said that they are "too low class for her." So, when she calls me, she complains that she has not been able to wash her hair, or soak her feet, and she is still trying to figure out ways that she might be able to do everything by herself - or not. Now she just told me that she can't use the microwave to bake a potato, when she tries - it does not cook right. The latest is: she can't figure out how to use the oven in her stove, and because my Mother is very short, only 4ft, 10 in., she can't reach the screen anyway which is at the back of the stove. It is still rather new, so it has the screen instead of knobs, and she said my Brother did something to the settings on the stove. So she can only cook on the top of the stove, and now she is not really cooking anyway. She has a foot doctor appointment today, and my Cousin is going to drive her. At first, my Mother thought that the Cousin was not available today, and she planned on going all alone to the Doctor. I am so happy that her Visiting Nurse told her that she absolutely cannot go out by herself. Of course my Mother was going to try to take a cab and go alone. I just want to know, what I can or should say to my Mother, if anything, when she starts to complain about not being able to do these things by herself. I did say to her, "So are you going to get help from the Elders Agency?" and that is when she told me that they are for only for the really poor people, and that they are all low class. So what do you say to someone who thinks like this way? All I can say is, I am so relieved to be staying home for Xmas. My Mother will have her Grandson, wife, and baby visiting her. We plan to visit her right after Xmas, either New Year's Day or the next weekend. Our youngest Daughter, and her Husband, will be driving us there. I will be bringing her more new clothes, etc. She is not able to get downstairs to the basement to use the washing machine, and my Brother has not bothered to install a washing machine upstairs for her, which can be done very easily. So, my Mother ends up without enough clean clothes to wear. So, that is it for now. I Wish all of You - a Wonderful and Peaceful Xmas and Holiday Season. Thanks again.

Hi, sorry about all of my spelling errors, I meant to write "Off the Hook". I was typing too fast. Thanks again.

dori thx the eye appears to be doing well. The optometrist said my vision was 20/20 but I do see ghost images on print on the tv. if I look with just that eye. With both eyes not so much. Hopefully they will disappear. I will not really know how it all pans out till I get my new glasses mid February. So sorry about your knee pain. I am glad you are going over to BFF's for some fun and that they are good people for you, like your stepmom. That the names are the same is special.

Becky - the plants that have thrived weren't burned but they were exposed to all kinds of toxins which were in the air and the ash from the fire. That is what surprised me. There was a concern about air and soil quality here after the fire and a lot of testing was done. We were finally pronounced within normal range and allowed back. I am sure there is still bad stuff in the soil, but nature has its ways...

trying - Hi teach - cleaning up after a hoarder is a huge task and replacing a commode is hard work. Well done!!! Your mum is narcissistic and you will never do enough, so do what you think/feel is right. Take time for you, let phone calls go to voice mail, enjoy yourself!

cm - hilarious!!!

barb - good solution! I am watching my ivy carefully as I have not been successful with them in the past and I haven't seen them often in the stores here. 

book - it that the same as mimosa? It has leaves which close when you touch them.

Got distracted by "overcooking" my omelet, Ate it anyway.

East... Do you remember, way back, when your mother had a grumble to you about not having a thing to wear and how you went out and bought complete outfits for her and then she just wore what she was going to wear anyway...? I do.

So what should you say when your mother grumbles aloud about not being able to wash her hair or take a bath or use the cooker or the washing machine?

Oh dear.
That's a pity.
Goodness what a nuisance for you.
Even low class people know how to run a bath. I'm told.
So what do better-off people do when they need help?
I didn't know "bourgeois" meant "smelly." Well, well.

But actually, what you should say is just whatever sympathetic-sounding white noise pops into your head. Because these aren't real complaints or real conversations, they're just general ruminations on the adversity of old age - with which we all ought properly to sympathise.

But no we don't inconvenience our daughters and go on a four hour round trip to wash somebody when she has alternative means available to her.

And you have the reassurance that when it really matters, to her, things somehow just fall into place. Don't they? Haven't they always?

She'll get to the foot doctor just fine (thanks to your cousin). She'll enjoy Christmas (thanks to your brother). And even if she isn't aware of them, or they don't feature in her Poor Me narrative, there is a whole safety net of people (thank you visiting nurse) right there keeping an eye on her.

I'm not unsympathetic to your mother, you know, and I'm sorry if I sound it. I have a lot of time for little old ladies who soldier on regardless, and it's easy for me to keep my patience and sense of humour with them because they're not my mother.

But it makes me very sad that you so want her to need you and turn to you. Please wish for something else, like a lovely Christmas with your own lovely family, and your mother safe and coping in her place, where she wants to be, with lots of 'look no hands' support from the visiting nurse and the rest of the network.

Well CM I am a little old lady who soldiers on even if bent over using a walker and it may be in your future too. i never thought it would happen to me. Out of necessity I find ways of doing things myself or if I can't wait till my cleaner comes and she is willing to give me a quick wash down as well while she cleans the bathroom.
As my then PCP also married to a Dr remarked. "Drs don't make good nurses" and I can certainly second that. When the orthopedic surgeon who had just replaced left hip a week prior asked me what i was doing when I fell and craked the right one. I told her I had been bending taking stuff out of the washing machine. She asked me why i was doing laundry a week after surgery. "Someone's got to do it"

Welcome Lolo - coming together is not going to happen when narcs are involved and it is sad to see families fractured. I have largely cut my narc sis out of my life, and there are others here who have done the same. It is a matter of survival. Can you and your bro work together to help your mum? It is sad and we mourn the lack of a cohesive supportive family.

east - again what cm said. Stay home with your own family. Your mother has discarded the idea of anyone else helping her hoping she can emotionally blackmail you into giving her more attention. e.g. the hair washing and foot soaking. Don't fall for it. She can get help there if she needs it. If she chooses to stay with dirty hair so be it.

 Veronica  - you are such a trooper. Yes some one has to  do it and we find our ways to get the essentials done.

Glad - how's the polar vortex in your area?

Feelling the losses this season. R's dad this year, ex mil a couple of years ago, R's mum the year before that, my girlfriend of 40 years the year before that, just before Christmas, and always missing my babes, my youngest son, who brought such joy to our Christmas Day. The older kids were pretty blase' by that time about gifts and stockings, but he was genuinely delighted with every single thing he got - even the dollar store type gifts in his stocking. I miss that.

Welcome to the new posters. I will catch up in a few days. Too much going on this week. Good news is we got me a new car, old one not worth fixing. Year end rebates and clearances, we paid less the it than we did for my 2007 car when it was new. Next week we will know what the insurance will paid on the truck and then get hubby something. We are donating both old vehicles.

sharyn - that is great news. I am happy for you!

Hope so, Veronica - as they say, better than the alternative!

Sharyn, Congratulations on the new car! Glad you got a good deal. I need a new vehicle, but I hate shopping for a car.

Went to the grocery this morning. Took three boys with me. What a chore. I spent a ton of money, had the car full and I'm still not sure what's for Christmas dinner.

becky -3 boys is a handful I remember those days. And they eat lots!!!

Off to bed early - my stomach is still not right usually I am over any stomach bug in a day or two. Pepto Bismol is my friend right now, I apologize if any of my posts have been "off" My stomach is distracting. I realised I left out the context of my 20 plants. I came up here with 40, (yes I am a crazy plant lady, have no idea now where I put them) lost one on the trip and many more since, some of which have been replaced. If I keep going at this rate I will get down to a reasonable number. The bonus is they clean the air and provide moisture.

have a good night everyone

Polar vortex has descended. 9 degrees here. But, I don't dare complain as that probably sounds like a heat wave to golden. Actually got a couple of inches of snow.

Welcome Lolo. Yes with the narcissists you have to detach to save your own sanity. Been there, it has been six years now, since I started caring for mom with alz. Decided I had enough two years ago (doesn't seem possible) and twisted sisters moved mom and her hubby to a facility. Mom passed June 1, her hubby October 2016. There were parts of me that hoped when mom was placed that some sort of relationship could result. Nope. Two years where I was not able to receive any updates on mom from ts2. Families get so bizarre and if dysfunctional even becomes more so if a parent develops dementia.

So, I am nuts. I am going to be with my kids and families for Xmas, and twisteds and families too. I had mentioned inviting twisteds to daughter's for Xmas eve. Then I decided against it. Then invite to ts2's house came. Then I told kids go ahead and invite them for Xmas eve. Too hard for kids to travel an hour and a half to ts2 with the five grands.

I am just plain tired of the exclusion and isolation I feel as a result of MY reaction to twisted behaviors. It will only be a few hours. If uncomfortable I can go nap. I have been under the weather for a few days. Not even sure I will leave tomorrow afternoon as planned. I really am not sure about this at all.

Barb. I have tons of puncture vines (goatheads) that could definitely use your killing skills! They are truly a nasty weed! 😁

Mind your boundaries, mind your feelings, Glad. You know this, but I'm just concerned for you. But perhaps it will go fine and will be a step to a cooly civil relationship for you and twisteds, for other family's sake. Maybe you'll find a new normal you can live with. Wishing you PEACE for the holidays.

And BRRRRRR, 9 degrees!  I think that vortex is headed here next.  

0 degrees, feels like -13. Brrrr! I do not want to get out of bed. Hibernation sounds pretty darn good right now.

Becky, now is a good time to buy cars. In Idaho they offer the rebates on cars at the end of the year, but not on trucks or suv's.

Repost massive missive from Whine for all beloved caregivers
The massive missive. Anyone I don't mention, please have fun.
Dearest glad, I have dinner with husband, son, BIL, FIL and MIL tonight. I feel your dread and hope that you are able to smile and just remember that the TS chickens will come home to roost when they need help and have children who have watched what is expected in caring for parents. Bwahaha.
Becky, you have so much compassion. You enjoy the holiday with your new extended family that loves you. Best Gift Ever.
Golden, you really are that. Happiest.
Ali, just remember that you can pick your nose and your clothes, but you can't pick your birth family. Hugs to you.
Send, don't take the Aspy brain farts to heart. They *really* can't help a lot of it - we have to manage around them.
Veronica, I hope that you enjoy some part of the holiday eats despite the darn tube.
CM, I'd eat your fairy cakes! Make some and munch for us.
CWillie, make time for you in the holiday. My FIL on 24 hour oxygen was given a lovely candle and stepmother with parkinson's a package of dry cookies and package of peanuts by their church...
Windy, you got your holiday bonus. A safe place for mom/dad...
East and Duck-we will never be enough for the narcissists. Please enjoy the time with people who will love you and want you safe.
I continue boundary setting. Friend still has no vehicle after a month -her title is not bank lien released--paid off over 5 years ago and "she never noticed she didn't get her title". Drag feet and continuous pleas of depression that prevent her doing work but I should take it on with my 2 other part time jobs. Yep, you are depressed. So am I - clinically diagnosed, on meds, and with treatment plan. Are you getting help? Oh, no, not the former psychiatric aide...well, then it's an impasse and I'll drive you to the grocery once per week and wait in the parking lot. Meds can be delivered, and I will help 90 year old apply for public transport again after daughter p*ssed off case manager.. Happy Holidays to all and Much LOVE!!!

Happy Holiday's to Everyone here on the Dysfunctional thread!!!

Our Christmas is shaping up to be a nice one, with Christmas eve at our Eldest Son and wife's home, and we will open our home to any family members who do not have a place to go for dinner, our kids will pop in at various times, between visiting their other relatives. We are cooking the traditional Turkey dinner with all the trimmings, my fave sister is coming also!

After Christmas, my younger Brother is hosting all 6 siblings and spouses in his home, so that will be great too! I still have all my wrapping to do, and last minute grocery shopping for the fresh veg and things.

As I've promised myself in previous years (but did not fulfill, uggg!), I intend to do it all differently next year, and plan to stick to it this time!!! I really want to be all shopped, wrapped and decorated by November 30'th, so that we can truly enjoy the holidays! Due to my FIL 's issues and passing, I'll cut myself a break this year, as there was no time to even think about anything else but his welfare, but going forward, it seems a promise that I can make to myself.

We did get over to see my Daughter and SIL's home all beautifully decorated and all lit up!! It's so nice to see our kids flourish, happy and successful! My Daughter just started a new job with a large legal firm in downtown Seattle, after being so unhappy working at Microsoft. Too bad as the salary and benefits were fantastic, but certainly not worth her being unhappy in her job!
Her new job is a position of Administrative Assistant to one of the Presidents of the firm, and after just one week on the job, she knows she is going to Love it! The Gentleman is very nice to her and the salary is comparable to what she was making before, with many options to advance, plus an all together new business, so much to learn, but she does well and thrives on learning new things. She's a real go getter, so I've no doubts it will be a good fit for her. We never stop worrying about our kids, do we? Lol!

All my other kids and Grandies are doing great! My 7 year old Grandson has just been recruited to a Select Baseball team, and will be on 2 teams in the upcoming baseball season! Our Christmas present to him was to sponsor him financially, as well as buy him a new baseball bat. Who knew bats could be So expensive, 200 dollars! I didn't know what I was in for when that sweet talking little cherub asked us for one for Christmas, lol! No matter, he's worth every penny! Grandpa is stoked about his baseball talents, as he feels he's taking after him! Hubby Loves to go to his baseball games, so it is giving him something to do, especially since they practice all winter in an indoor arena! Our 4 year old Grandson is playing T-ball, so they will be very busy come Spring, add in Soccer, swimming lessons, Snowboarding and all the rest, I'm glad child rearing is far behind us! I do not know how they afford all of this, but we did it for 4 kids, so I know its possible and good to keep the kids active in a positive way!

Well All, I've still much to get done before the big day, so I Wish you all a Very Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!!!!! Love, Stacey

Ready for bed an hour earlier than yesterday, but on the mend finally,
Pepto Bismol and sauerkraut!!! How's that for a mixture!
Feels like flu - I am soooo tired/sleepy! Should make more sense tomorrow. Will respond then. ❤❤❤

Feel better Golden!!! I have been battling my same ole stomach/diaphragm pain/spasms these past few days myself, and it couldn't come at a worse time!!! Mine lasted 48 hours, and was gone as fast as it came on. All I could do was sit as still as possible, reduce food intake and drink hot tea, though I did start taking Prevacid and will stay on it for the foreseeable future. The pain just stops me in my tracks, and I am unable to even sleep through it. Remember I was hospitalized for this same issue back in July, and have been to the Drs several times, including the Cardiologist, to rule out heart problems. Nothing was found, so now I just soldier through it on my own. I'm sure it is stress related, but my stress Should be a thing of the past!!! I just don't get it! The body is a mysterious thing! You take care!