notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Golden that was stress post was really good. I am so high strung that I have hard time getting to the zone for mediatation. During my work travels I met a young lady who showed me how to do breathing meditation on train. Sit with palms up and relaxed in lap and just focus on your breaths what they feel like in and out.
I dont know if I posted that my mother packed the little tree plant I bought her in one of the shopping carts. Well I found it and rescued it. Made her laugh about it. Its so cute has baby ornaments on it. I was hoping to put it in pot out front but reading tag its an evergreen but can stand temps below 25 so I will try and keep it alive inside.
I think I am caught up. I didnt go back to far so I missed.
Merry Christmas Everybody!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Terrific Christmas is with our kids, so Fun!!! The Grandies So excited for Santa!!! We've just gotten home so tired but happy!!! We laughed all evening, our 3 adult boys plus SIL, are all so funny! Of course there worked up the littleuns, and now their parents are going to have a heck of a time getting them to sleep. Not sure who is more mature, the 3 & 7 year olds or the 35-38 year olds, sheesh! So cool watching Santa's trip around the world on the computer, last I checked with 7 year old, he was in Bermuda, hope he makes it out of the triangle!!! Lol! My sausage Rolls were a hit, now of to bed, to get up early to stuff and put the turkey in. So dang Tired!!!
Merry Christmas Everyone!!! Stace
Also quick update: bro is going to come NEXT week now, when the weather is supposed to be better. So I didn't do a lick of cleaning.
I've just typed loads in response to my original post and I'm sort of worn out already this morning so I won't post much here but, Hello everyone, and Merry Christmas. I hope yours will be awesome. :)
sharyn - re your son, I understand the disappointment, but not being bummed. Hope he makes it tomorrow. I have decided that, for the most part, I can't say or do the right thing to/for middle son and dil, so I am letting go and letting God. Sounds like you have the next few days very well planned. Glad you are enjoying the snow.
glad - Loki was the "trickster" God. I did a little reading about Norse mythology this am to refresh my memory, and decided against buying that book. It is very dark - even the fairy tales tend that way. So glad that yesterday went well and especially for your kids. Hope you get some good rest too.
duck -you have some great adventures on the train, Mother was a good cook. THe lamb was a great meal. Growing food then cooking it is something else. Glad you rescued your tree and your convection oven is working well. Work on reducing the stress and have a good day!
Dori - aren't you glad you didn't clean? lol. Enjoy getting your comforter back! Hope your mum does get some enjoyment from her gift.
darkjewel - welcome to the dysfun fam thread. There are days when blah is not bad. I read your thread and can identify. Many of us have narc mothers and sibs as well. It is a lonely place to be in, and we are the ones who take on the caregiving duties. For me it has been a matter of doing what I have to do to survive and have a life apart from the dysfunction. The upcoming transplant sounds like an ordeal as well as keeping your safe from infection. Hope you keep posting.
Becky - thinking of you and your cousin Pam. Hope she is responding to treatment and the young one and twin are doing OK.
ali - hoping your trip to bro's was easy and you get some good rest and fun there
Finally plugged in my Christmas lights and lit a fire. It looks nice outside, but is minus 27 feels like minus 44. That is serious cold! Thankfully it will be warmer by the time I go to dd's for dinner. Thought the flu was gone, but the bottom dropped out of my energy bucket last night about 9 pm. It might be the CFS/FM kicking in. Regardless, I need to rest. Cooked myself a nice breakfast, and that is my effort for the day.
Hope everyone - regular posters and irregulars - have a few good and peaceful days.
Hugs and much love. 💛💛💛
My bully 1st cousin has some hurt feelings about distance I put in our relationship about 2 years ago, after I was fed up with her putting me down and always picking on me for sport. I don't like to hear, from her husband, that she has hurt feelings. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. My initial reaction was to want to reach out to her and patch things up (what is there to patch? I talk to her, brought appetizers to her house... what else do I need to do?). And then I thought about why I put that distance there to begin with, and that I do like the new boundaries. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I don't want her to have hurt feelings but I'm not ready to return to the old way, either. I'll think about it. I don't think I need to do anything. I think in time, we'll find a new normal, and that would be for the best.
I'm feeling completely normal in my aches and pains! Mostly. Everyone in my family age 40 and over has something gone awry in their body: a knee, ankle, shoulder, back, SOMETHING. That's actually made me feel less anxious about my own pain, because if everyone aches, then I'm normal. Haha!
I had my dad sign the reimbursement letter for the trust. My mother is telling me how she's taken almost enough money from my dad's very meager income to buy a pre paid funeral plan for him. That's good that she is keeping him under Medicaid cash limits but... she's withdrawing cash from his account monthly and putting into her savings account. I advised her to be careful to protect his Medicaid and if she had any questions about whether or not an expense or gift was ok, to ask me and I'd get on AC and ask you guys. ;-)
Hm. I don't want to get involved AT ALL, but I am wondering if my mom can safely w/d a small amount of money every month and put in HER account. Seems odd. They've been divorced for 40 years, so not a married couple.
Anyway, Very Merry Christmas to all of you who celebrated with family today! I hope you're enjoying your holiday time! It's been a nice trip so far, the best in many years. :-)
Medicaid expert in any way but something seems wrong. I am
glad your holiday has gone well.
My holiday has definitely not gone as planned, but I've had way worse in the past. Pam's condition has worsened some. Her doctor came in awhile ago. Her UTI is not responding. Bronchitis is worse. She was running a slight fever earlier. She is very depressed and understandably so. First Christmas without her husband, etc. Jay is coming later to stay with Pam overnight. One of PJ's older son's is staying with Michael. We're going home to see the rest of the family and try to have the remnants of a holiday. Dread going home and seeing the chaos, but I'm doing minimal cleanup this evening. I'll do everything tomorrow.
Unless this woman comes to you herself and says something like "Oh Ali I'm so sorry, I just wasn't thinking, can we try to mend fences?" you have no reason to forgive and forget. Has she ever owned up to her behaviour?
Good observation about my dad's income situation, and thing is, he gets so very little income but now his benefits -- in the form of HUD housing, SNAP, and VA/Medicaid -- cover nearly every expense or at greatly reduced rate. He only spends a couple hundred dollars per month, and that leaves a couple hundred left over. It's still a VERY SMALL amount of income, but he is spending less and less since he moved into the new place. He is supposed to keep only $2k in cash assets per Medicaid, so my mother has been taking any extra out and is saving for a pre paid funeral plan for him. My dad needs help managing finances. I think my mom's way of dealing with the situation is as good as any, imo. Would like to hear from anyone that has ideas for alternative use of the money. And... in the end, I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY'RE DOING SO WHY AM I EVEN DISCUSSING WITH HER? lol!! I thought the situation was odd that my mother is withdrawing the cash into her account, but WHATEVER. Why do I do this to myself...? Rhetorical question.
They'll be fine, one way or another, and my mom knows the basic rules about Medicaid, and her own eligibility issues for continuing to receive Rx coverage from Medicare Part D. I'll leave her to figure out how best to manage the situation. She's relatively low income, but my father is indigent, so I don't like to see them risking benefits they qualify for... but... not my circus. My mom wanted to take over, I'm so glad she did/has, they're fine, that's truly all I care about.
Seems like a lot of drama to even say anything further. :-/ But, this idea of apologizing for my word choice, but not the message, is a better option than my first instinct to uncategorically apologize. I need to be careful to NOT apologize for reaming her for mistreating me since we were kids. It was long overdue, it truly was, and I don't want it going back to that! I want her to know there is a boundary, and for her to mind it. I think that's very beneficial in our case.
If she's so upset, she can reach out herself.
Never apologize for " tone". It's in the ear of the beholder.
Otherwise it was a lovely day, even the puppy cooperated!
I made mom wake up at 4 PM to open presents, as I promised bro we'd video chat before dinner. The present-opening was anti-climactic, lol. She spent most of it expressing guilt that she didn't get me anything or even a card. Like....I do ALL the shopping, she only leaves the apartment for dialysis, why would I be surprised or bothered?
Anyway, gonna jump in the shower and then dinner should be ready....then I can run away to BFF's and drink to forget, lol.
At least the video call was nice.
Had a lovely quited peaceful day, no drama, no tears.
Took in the decorations, the love in families going to visit family and on the way in the same.
I remember when I was small. We would go south. My sister and I would chang "we going down soouutthh". My father had bought a home for his grandmother his mother died when he was young. We called her Ma Ma. She really didnt have much to do with me or my sister. They didnt like my mother so we were sort of out cast only tolerated. All the cousins and family from NY and all over would come there. My farther would bring a record player and I would hear the Hey Jude and and OC smith. but what I remember most was all the cakes and pies that would be on the back porch. The fruit cake used to look interesting one year I got up the nerve and ended up with a terrible headache. Lol. to this day I cannot stand to even look at fruit cake.
Anyways I sure hope everyone had a day full of love and sunshine.
Cwillie it is good to see you posting. You are a landmark name in my head.
Golden, I bet you can throw down with some cooking when you get ready!!! with so much exposure to expertise.
Ali, Ive heard many times when someone shows you who they are believe them. Finally , I do. It sounds like you had a struggle with said cousin and it took a while to resolve it in yourself with distance. Why go back wards. Do you miss her. I would keep things the way they are. Put yourself first. You were bullied by her for a long time. she needs a toy.
I am using this philosophy and it works. I kept going back for more with my mother and sister. Each time the insult and pain would go to a higher level. Coming back meant do me again. Now if someone turns on me they only get one time to do it its done. I keep walking and dont look back. Put you first. I have a cousin that did a nasty thing to me as a child. I had clean out tub on one of these xmas visits south. Ready to take a nice bath put my bubbles in. I had timed it for privacy and quite because they would always complain about running water and water bill. Well this cousin got me to let her use water and told me I could use after her. I was 2yrs younger I didnt see anything wrong until I got in and saw all my beautiful bubbles gone and dirt floating. I was fumming for so many reasons. the next day I waited for her right by the door to come home from school and punched her right in the nose. That was the end of it. But to this day I never trusted her again. She has friend request on FB. No no no. so she can do it again on a diffentlevel. No.
Forget her feelings, even if she is sorry. Put Ali first. She is subtly intimidating you now by making you feel wrong to not open up to her. I would just be cordial. No offense intended. You have a big heart. We get trodden sometimes before we even know what happened.
This last time my mother got to wander away. My every call was being ignored by my nephew and my sister as to the status of my mother. I called my friend above menttioned. He went an his last update was that my sister answerd "for what" when he asked if she called police. I kept caling and no report wass made from my address. so I reach out to my friend and asked her if she could get her son who is getting ready to retire from the NYPD and has lots of connections . I asked if she could get him to check and see if task force had found my mother. At that time it must have busy becuase the phone just rang and rang and when I finnally got thu I was put on hold and then the call dropped and then back to ringing forever. She directed me back to my nephew who was ignoring my calls and then to pct telling me she couldnt believe they are not answereing the phones. It really hurt me. She could have just said ok let me call D and see if he can find out anything. Even if she didnt try. But she what like what you calling me for as D my nephew or call pct what is her son going to do. so this is second time and like first I held off contact for a while. I went back and I got more. Got the same thing I got the first time but at a differnt level. I was in distress and worried about my mother. I dont expect anyone to drop everything to my cry, I know everyone have problems but if you reach out to me and I cant help you I wont ridicule you and that is how I felt. Call D (my nephew, he works on the please just like D her son) and call the pct. I dont believe you not getting an answer there. I know the right thing for me to do is what I expressed in response to Ali.
This woman was very supportive of me, like an angel when I was down and out. and I to her when she had breast ca and surgery. Id shovel her snow bring her food go to store be supportive talk positvie uplifting . We have good debates. She is 10yers younger than my mother and we have different outlooks. Alot of her advice I never heeded because I knew it was wrong. And sometimes she would be like you like being treated that way you dont stand up. So anyways I am rambleling and begining to babble. I think I will put this friendship at further distance and in lthe meanwhile let it breathe.
And your cuz, Ali. Tell her yourself why you have distanced yourself. If you want to give her another chance, set the ground rules yourself and establish boundaries. Her hubby needs to stay out of it. That is just another method of manipulation. Oh, poor, poor cuz...
Went through all of the eight or so sympathy cards. Did not feel much. One card was addressed to "me and family" from mom's day care staff. Very nice notations to me on the care I provided to mom for those four years. No wonder twisteds would not let me see them before. I am very happy to not be them. One conversation yesterday about how all mom would talk about twenty years ago was her business. It did get tiresome, I must admit. But ts2 expressed her irritation with ts1 over the treatment of my mom at that time. Ts2 actually was angry. Se la vie. Not my circus, they deserve each other.
Back home to peace and quiet tomorrow.....
Panz, glad your day turned out well.
Much love to you all. I am off for two nights on for one then off for two. changed schedule with coworke who is probably planning a long new years weekend beginning thrusday. I wish you all the best. This is one of the times of year I wonder where my knight is. I could stand a few twrils and dips about now. LOL
I also had good vibes leading up to Christmas. That’s new. My entire adult life (starting at teen, I suppose), I always had spurts of dread as the calendar counted down to Christmas.
I should clarify my earlier claim of good guests: I set the bar pretty low with this branch of the family. It’s the only way to survive them. This Christmas was the first time in ages that (at least) one of them didn’t plunge my bar to a new low.
And I love December 26, as a shut-down reset day. Even when 12/26 is a back-to-work day for me, I embrace the “it’s behind me now” feeling.
It’s satisfying to move through the last chapter of the holiday season. There are still light displays and public decorations and holiday events at museums, botanical gardens, etc..... but the race against the clock is over. Best of both worlds.
Looking forward to eating leftovers and seeing the beautiful sights in my community. 🙂
I'm going to buy some later today.
I thought maybe this being the first holiday since Mom died maybe I would have some feelings of grief, but I didn't. I thought several times of all of her holiday complaints. Jay and I laughed about that.
I have to get ready for the post holiday load of work. Get all of the printed materials ready for all of the drunk driving counseling clients. PJ and I are going to reopen center for caregivers groups and occasional relative guest speakers, but nothing else. I'm teaching a class at the grad school second semester starting mid January - a monthly seminar - "A Review of Psychotropic Medications". I thought when I resigned from the hospital, I would retire completely. That hasn't happened. I had a great aunt who never retired. She died at her desk at 91. Maybe that will be me. My best friend from high school and her husband retired 10 years ago at age 58 - I can't imagine. She doesn't seem happy with her life.
I'm happy Christmas is behind me. On to getting ready for New Year's Eve. PJ has friends coming from Pittsburgh to go ice fishing. They're staying at the lake. I'm going to check the cottage tomorrow. Also check my house to see how much longer it's going to be until completed.