The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hello all. I am glad to read of happy, or at least peaceful, Christmases.

I didn't have one, to be honest. And I'm a little envious, but mostly missing the peaceful and/or happy Christmases I used to have before I moved mom here. Not feeling sorry for myself, more feeling like....I am missing who I used to be, and not liking who I am becoming right now. And I need to turn that around somehow. I did cry, but not till just now, lying in bed awake still thinking about the day. So technically no crying on Christmas Day.

Today it was just so hard to be around mom. Nothing she did any different from normal dementia stuff. Just today her growing zombification was so hard to take, now that it's mixed in with all this family history stuff going on in my head. I couldn't wait to run away to BFF's tonight. I don't know if I enjoyed it so much as collapsed into it. I don't think I am very fun or nice to be around these days. I don't know how much of that is menopause, how much is pain, how much is caregiving my mother. All varies based on the day, I suppose.

Anyway, I was going to go back over to BFF's tomorrow and hang out, try to be more normal. But my own apartment is empty now....I think I am just going to spend the day at home. My home. I realize I haven't felt safe here at mom's since that spectacular week-long blow up between us, which brought this family reckoning into my mind in the first place. And I just need to be alone.  Alone, alone, not shut up in a room in someone else's home, mother or not.  I've been planning to spend more time at home in the New Year, but I don't think I can wait.

I will probably take the kitten. He's only seen where we really live once, he doesn't even know it's our real home. And...honestly, I've been trying to fix this fighty-bitey stage he's going through, but I know the problem is me somehow! He's obviously picking something up off me. So I need to fix me.

Anyway, I think I'm off to sleep now. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest in here!

Merry Day After Christmas! It’s almost 5:30 am here. Can’t sleep from sore neck, shoulders and back, shoveling snow is the cause, Lol!

We had a busy day, overwhelming at times with the boys excitement. They had a good day and it was fun to see their excitement but it sure wears us older folks out.

Today is our big dinner day. It will be an early dinner as our sil has to be at work by 4.

I’m glad to read that everyone had a relatively decent Christmas. I’m tired and laying here with my heating pad. Need more sleep.

Have a good day all!

I've read everyone's posts and it seems everyone got thru the holiday in one way or another with maybe a crack or two along the way. I don't know if anyone else has these feelings, but I think I'm subject to "perfect Christmas" syndrome. I WANT to buy into the Hallmark card. But in reality, I know the cake can fall, kids will have accidents, people will be sick and it will snow WAY beyond what is Christmas card perfect. I think in MY life Christmas was good enough and I need to move beyond the Hallmark card and accept that reality. I'm off to the lake to check the additions that are being built. Also spend some time thinking about my New Year's resolution "deactivating" Facebook. I have an assortment of toxic "Friends". Everyone have a really nice day.

Glad, so happy you survived the holiday. The TS1-2 deserve their sibling bond. When, not if, help is required and they look to their unmarried sister who was SO helpful to mom, give them the area agency of aging phone number. Or to their kids.
Becky, I'm proud of you for not allowing the Grinch to steal caregiver support Christmas completely. You did so much to set up - having the bare bones is better than nothing and wonder if the money grubber letter writers will try to come get free and complain that you are not paying others to help?? Hope twin's ankle feels better. Speaking as onco patient myself re Pam, they had to rotate antibiotic family for me (myacin vs sulfa) because I had resistant bugs after a while, especially during daily radiation. They finally went old school with Bactrim broad spectrum...
Ali, my dear, listen to glad. If there is money for funeral fund, find a funeral home that it goes to on deposit. If mommy has limited funds, where is she hiding the bank account? It will cause her problems if it builds up, and your father if he's gifting....my cousin told every one he was holding back money from daughter's cash gifts for her bank account and it disappeared...
duck, your sister will never change.
golden, your holidays sounded like fun. You and R together have weathered so much.
veronica, frail but always a fighter. You go girl!
dori, I remember the "no matter what you get". After a while for me, I just enjoy giving and figure that whatever it is, the response is never what I hoped. If you want grateful, volunteer for Meals on Wheels or Soup Kitchen - otherwise, *shrug*.
love to others even if not message - at work today and avoiding another MIL/FIL visit that may or may not happen.
Survived the command performance. MIL's parkinson's literally left her flailing like an NFL cheerleader at halftime. FIL was dragging O2 tank and gasping like a beached fish. I made a point of sitting first and far away so husband spent the meal sitting next to his OWN parents for once. Eye opener again. OMG, they are having such problems. Yup. OMG, someone should help. Well, here's the name of housekeeping service and Home Instead Health aides....let me know when you'll be home from their house...*crickets*.
love to all of you, Keep the boundaries and keep it real.

Got through without almost a meltdown. Dad was fine, my sister called while we were all in the room opening gifts. of course he never said anything to us. Brother called and I put him on the phone with dad. Then later I called sister as had not heard from her. Proceeds to tell me I was outside when she called. Funny, I distinctly remember being in the room when she called but dad did not bother to mention that. I love how he plays game directly to my face. Anyway got through the day until dinner when he comes into the kitchen and makes a remark about me making dinner, then goes into the room and makes another remark.... Yes I did lose it for a minute then wife was unhappy. It is the comments, never a good one, always a comment. Never helps but is always there with a comment. Then after dinner "why dont you sit, we will clean up", then he goes off to his living room without offering to help clean up....
The good news is I am working on plans to build a separate building on the property for an office to get away from the stress of being in the house 24/7. Maybe that will help. Everyone moves in and I have to move out to another building so I can work. How does that happen? they move in and I have to move out? WTH?

Guest, You are totally on top of it with writing today.

I'm meeting Pam and her doctor this afternoon. Changing antibiotics is on the schedule.

Can't keep my eyes open today. Must be the minus 30s, feels like minus 50s temps outside today. The body knows it's hibernation time. Yesterday was good family time and I came home with leftovers. Doesn't get better than that.

cw and barb - agreed on comments to ali - her cousin is manipulative not sincere. Always beware of triangulation.

pamz - good for hubbie - no bitching and complaining Yay!!!

glad -so happy it went well - the tws deserve one another. That card was interesting!Bet they didn't want you to see it.

sharyn - the littles are exhausting. No more snow shovelling for a while! Hope your son makes it today.

ali - what everyone said - let it lie where Jesus flang it. I am uncomfortable with your mum transferring funds too, but that is not your circus anymore either, and if it blows up in their faces, let them deal with it. Hands off for you.

blackhole - awesome, lowered expectations usually work and they met the standard!

stacey - don't you need to get some rest? You have been in high gear since fil passed. Take a break, sweetie! So glad Christmas went off so well.

duck - so, so, glad you had a good Christmas. Keep your boundaries up. Look after you.

guest - you too - they keep pushing don't they? Yes, we have weathered a lot - over the worst I think, for now anyway.

tg - set boundaries with your dad. They work if you apply them. If he doesn't help clean up, he doesn't get to eat the next meal with you, and tell him no more comments from the bleachers. He can get his own supper and clean up after himself. I did this with my older kids once, as they were not doing their chores. They didn't believe me. You should have seen their faces when the next meal was served up to only me, hub and the baby. They did their chores better after that.

dori - hope you make some quiet time at home for yourself and the kitty. Sounds like you need it. Stress will only make the pain worse. Mum's brain is broken and that makes it harder on you.

becky - hoping for some solutions for Pam or at least more comfort. Wonderful that you are opening the center again, even with reduced services. Even that will help those who want to be helped. The idea was ahead if its time. BTDT and got knifed for it too. Yay for your aunt. I had one who worked till she was 75, but she wasn't caregiving her mother at the same time. I made 73. Hallmark Christmas? Oh my! No, not ever!

veronica - hope the pudding flamed!

cm - your festivities are over by now I think. Hope all family stuff went well.

tryingmybest - haven't heard from you for a long time. Hope you are OK.

anyone I have missed - newbies and oldbies - take care

Happy Boxing Day everyone!🎁🎁🎁

Becky, I am hoping they a med combo for Pam. You have a lot on your plate and still going like a steam engine.

Stacey, I hope you are resting up today. Your Christmas sounded wonderful.

Guest, you really have good boundaries. Always good to hear how you handle situations and prioritize your life.

Dori, taking a break is good, hope you are able to get the break at your home with the kitty.

Th, boundaries, boundaries stand firm.

Glad, let the twisted have each other. Glad you had a relatively good day and the card from center was very personal, shame they did not pass it on to you sooner. It must have helped you with their kind words.

Golden, sleep, rest up! Yes the boys are tiring. Dd is down with nasty stomach bug so dinner will be just hubs and me. It’s ok because we both are wiped out from yesterday. Our son won’t be here til the 28 th. Whatever left over are still around are his for the picking.

Have good day everyone.

I set boundaries, he breaks them. I dont cook, he goes out to dinner. Now he will be out every day for a week or two until his Christmas money runs out, Everyone gave him gift cards.... will be like a sailor on leave.... until they run out.....

Pam and I met with her oncologist and the hospitalist this afternoon. They went over all of her tests and lab work. Her latest round of chemo did nothing. The cancer has spread further in her lungs and spine. Pam told them she wanted no further chemo or radiation, just palliative care and attempt to treat infections. She wants to return to her apartment with the visiting nurses association seeing her daily. She says for right now she can shower and take care of herself. I'm going to get a homemaker assistant to do weekly cleaning. Jay says he has to go to Kansas to work until 1/20, then he will help her with shopping and getting to appointments. I can see her everyday and help with other stuff as it comes up. She is going home tomorrow after her IV antibiotic finishes. I hate this so much. She can have in-home Hospice when the time comes.

I am so sorry about Pam. It sucks. She is fortunate to have you.

Becky, I'm so sorry to hear about your auntie. I hate cancer, I lost my mom to cancer 14 years ago and recently my father-in-law as you know. It's never too soon to start hospice, our experience with them was wonderful. It's all about comfort and care now and you are doing a terrific job taking care of her. She's very lucky to have you! Don't forget to take care of you too! Love Stacey 

Hi everybody, happy Boxing Day! Hubby and I did absolutely nothing today, except eat leftovers candy and treats. We are stuffed but happy and relaxed! Woo what an exhausting but terrific Christmas this year! I hope to do it all different next year and be much more prepared and ahead of the game so as not to get in the last minute crunch as we did this year. We enjoyed our Christmas dinner yesterday with my three sisters and one Son, we laughed until our guts hurt! I'm excited about hosting More family parties in our home now, it's been a long time since we had fun like that! And music, I miss music and we were dancing to the 70s hits last night! So much fun!

Becky, I am so sorry. Palliative care and hospice are good choices.

Sharyn, Thanks. Thanks Stacey. I know you've done your time with cancer Stacey. Pam is 62. She worked as a nurse at Cleveland Clinic for years. She knows way more about what to expect than me. She's my younger cousin and I never expected to take care of her, but I'm glad she's here with us and not alone. I wouldn't want her to be by herself. I got all the information on Hospice at the hospital. Her apartment has a couple of Hospice nurses on duty all the time, plus the Visiting Nurses Association. I think we'll be able to access the help she needs.

sharyn - sorry to hear about dd. Hope she gets better soon, being sick with two lively boys is hard. Gotta accept those sons as they are. Mine won't even get together with dd and I, as sil doesn't want to. It is what it is.

tg - It happens because you do not keep your boundaries. When you set boundaries there have to be consequences when anyone breaks them. Otherwise it is a waste of breath. What you are doing when setting boundaries is changing how you deal others.
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From mindbodygreen dot com

6 Steps to Setting Better Boundaries:

Know this sad truth: NO boundaries = little self esteem. ...
Decide what your core values are. ...
You can't change others, so change yourself. ...
Decide the consequences ahead of time. ...
Let your behavior, not your words, speak for you. ...
Say what you mean and mean what you say.

The best way to figure out your own boundaries and consequences when people cross them is sitting quietly down with yourself and making this all about you. (Remember: boundaries are about honoring your needs, not about judging other people's choices.)

People WILL test, push and disrespect your limits. You'll know you're getting healthier when this doesn't get an emotional reaction out of you.

Sometimes we're afraid to confront others with truth in love or relationships. We're afraid to tell people what we really want, to admit that we hate going to certain restaurants...We conceal our true feelings because we're scared of people's reactions. The more you ground yourself with your boundaries and values, the more you'll be able to be very clear in your communication!

The bottom line? Since you can't change other people, change how you deal with them. As Dr. Cloud says in Boundaries, "They may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work."
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"Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend is a very good book.

Let dad know what you want at meal time, or regarding the shortfall of money he expects you to make up and so on, and what you are prepared to do and what you are not prepared to do about it. If you value good money management, stick to that value, and do not make up for dad's overspending. That way you honour your own values.

becky - so difficult that the chemo is not working. However, Pam has made a good decision for herself and I admire her for that. I am sure that you and Jay will see that she has all the resources she needs. Hope your house renos are doing well.

Slept this afternoon and having a bit of an FM/pain flare up, probably due to the cold. It looks like the very low temps will be around for the rest of the week, warming up on the weekend, and if the forecast is right, January is going to be above the 10 year averages. Not bad overall. We usually don't get any extreme cold after the middle of February. No wonder Canadians talk about the weather so much. 😉

stacey - missed your post, you party animal, Dancing to 70s music sounds like a lot of fun. Go girl, go!!! 💃

I all I hope you are in good place in good spirit I'm in a bad way my mother is admitted into the hospital please pray for her and my family I knew the Dynamics is going to come to a head eventually I came home got my scratch games my mother was asleep I let her be and I made a few calls and had a few cocktails scratching off my cards at some point Something Told Me to go down stairs and check when I got downstairs the door was open the lock was not locked and I was in a very bad place oh my gosh did I leave the door unlocked again if it was me but the gate was locked the doors were locked and I went into a place I came up and caught my nephew and ask him if my mother was with him he said yes and she was okay I started to go off on him like after all of this stuff you could have left a note blah blah blah and I left it alone about an hour later he calls me and says he's coming to pick me up that my mother has to go to the hospital mention and she had a bleed in the brain but he's very very and I didn't have a clue so I called him back and kept calling with no answer and I texted him and told him Dad if she he needs to go to the hospital don't come here pick me up take her straight to the hospital or call an ambulance meanwhile I'm waiting calling calling no answer no answer no answer so I called my sister no answer again over and over finally my nephew answer the phone and and it says that my mother is okay she had a CAT scan and they found a bleed and they're going to admit her so I'm like oh so she had an appointment today and my sister is there and it seemed like she was kept cutting him off when he first called I'm thinking he took her somewhere and she might have passed out or said or she had pain it was very unclear then I find out that they were at an appointment my sister was there they left the doors unlocked he didn't leave any message or anything and in my heart I knew it was pointless for me to rush there with alcohol on my breath and try to figure out what was going on I knew it would be isolation and not a good thing for me to go there I spoke with the doctor and thank God he gave me information the block that was established at the Hip Center where she gets her care was not there doctor says she's okay she's fine they're going to admit her surgery waiting on surgery consult I've worked in the profession and I know the routine but he assured me she was okay he said she was fine she was asleep and I didn't see any point of me brushing their I felt guilty at first thinking she didn't even come she's a mother for me I called back to see if she had gotten a room and and I I ended up talking with my nephew he said she's okay I told him I would go first thing in the morning and he was like okay I'll call you back I'm sure it was intervention and interception with my sister he never called back and I stopped calling I called back again spoke to the nurse I had spoken to the doctor my mother is fine I'm feeling a little better but I'm upset about everything I'm using my phone to post this I can't even see what being posted have to keep checking but please keep me in prayer with this whole situation and I'd appreciate any feedback about this whole thing I hope everyone is fine and in a good place

(((((hugs)))) duck Sounds like your mother is getting the care she needs. I am glad you were able to get some information and that your nephew talked to you on the phone. If they are going to do surgery it must be serious I would think, but fixable. If I were you I would try to get some sleep and see her tomorrow. I am so sorry this has happened.

Get some rest duck - mom is where she needs to be tonight

She will need you with a clear head in the morning

Prayers

Your cousin is a brave woman, Becky, and you and bro are heroes for being there with her

Duck, prayers and ((( hugs)))! Rest up tonight then go in the morning. Your mom is being cared for there. Peaceful sleep.

Stacey, dancing to the 70’s, yay! Fun and good for you. Happy you had a fun time.

Hubs and I had a nice dinner. A 20 lb turkey with stuffing, gravy, potatoes, roasted carrots and rolls just for the 2 of us, lol! Well, of course Midget and Buster and Tiger got a little turkey too!!

Golden, good points on setting boundaries!

My back is hurting still. My right hip is the biggest problem. I’ll try ice for bit then back to bed.

Thanks for the support my mother is stable she's in the ICU I may have miscommunicated she has a small bleed on brain and they didn't think surgical intervention was necessary I'll be up there this morning and also speak to a social worker about a home attendant for her I'm using my phone with the voice to text and it is so horrible trying to text I'm really grateful for the support I need it and I am relieved that she is finally getting correct care

Duck; thoughts and prayers to you and to your mom.

This may be a blessing in disguise, because it's going to allow you to talk to the professionals at the hospital who can get mom the help at home she needs and deserves. And if Nasty Sis tries to prevent that from happening, it will be on the record that she's the one not doing her job as POA. Keep your chin up and your temper down; be the cool, calm and collected professional nurse that you are!

Golden, GREAT advice on boundaries and how to deal with folks when they break them! Hope you're feeling better.

Just taking a moment to get this out and then let it go—I’ve gotten really good at accepting both of my brothers crappy treatment of our dad and not expecting them to be any different than they are. So...Christmas morning I get a merry Christmas text from one brother (don’t know when that became the official way to greet, but whatever, I can deal with it, we have little to actually talk about) I thank him and wish he and his family the same. Then I get a follow up text saying he’d been on the phone with dad on Christmas Eve and was telling him something “important” (it’s always about him and it’s always important) and my dad totally interrupted him to tell him something about a friend at his church. Dad didn’t realize he’d done it and didn’t return to the important matter. My brother says he’s trying to decide how to handle it when they next speak (once a week at most) and how to let him know that it wasn’t acceptable. I replied that he should understand the behavior was related to being 87 years old, and having something on his mind, and just forgive and move on. He replied “maybe I’ll try” Really?! My dad sits on the phone and listens to these always self absorbed stories, never gets asked about himself or his admittedly small life, and can’t be forgiven for once trying to interject a story that was important to him? Unreal. The total cluelessness of my brothers never ceases to amaze. And he thinks he’s owed an apology by a frail old man who spent his life knocking himself out for his kids and defends them mightily to this day. Ugh. Okay, I’m done now...until next time I bubble over

sharyn - thx those quiet meals are the best!!! Sounds so good! I know the fur babies must have their portions. My orange cat behaved very well, and you could trust him around a turkey, as long as he got his share, usually the giblets, before the meal. If he didn't get his treat, he would sit up at the table and swipe at what someone was eating. Sorry about the back and hip and hope they are better soon.

duck - Glad mum is not worse. As barb says, at least now you should be able to speak with hospital staff. Hopefully they will pick up on the cognitive decline/dementia and realise she needs help. Hope you got some rest last night.

barb - thx Sometimes people mistake setting boundaries as an effort to change the behaviour of others, while it is primarily to change your own behaviour. Relationships being what they are, it may well result in a change in behaviour of others, but it may not. It is still worth doing. I know that you know that - just banging my drum, playing my violin... Hope things are going well for you.

madge - another long night in ER for you. Hope you are OK, and mum is getting the treatment she needs. You both are such troopers!!! Glad Jul!

Daughterof1930 - sounds like your bro is very self centered, maybe narcissistic. Poor dad, but good for him for sharing his news. Self centered family members are a major trial. Hope your Christmas went well otherwise. I see from your profile that you have your plate full to say the least!

Hope everyone is recovering from their Christmas "hangovers". I am not referring to booze particularly, but all the excesses that occur during this season - eating spending, socializing... Just got a text from R that he has been "jumped" by two young grandsons who MUST PLAY!!!! Rather him than me, he has the energy.

Having a few CFS/FM symptoms, but, all considered, it could be worse. I will make navy bean soup today (soaked the beans last night), and a fish stew for healthy eating -sort of a cioppino. Doesn't get healthier than that.

Take care all, take time for you and that special cup of tea, hot bath, scented candle...that makes you feel special, because you are! Peppermint tea with ginger for me, and a fire later on.

Golden, very good clarification on boundaries. You are the Pro from Dover here on that subject! Where does that expression come from?

thx barb - lots of opportunities in my life to learn about them, applying them, or the results of not applying them .

re pros from Dover from english.stackexchange dot com

"The term comes from the 1968 book MAS*H by Richard Hooker. In the book, the character Hawkeye is described as using the guise of being the pro from Dover to obtain free entrance to golf courses. WWII slang. The pros from Dover, as in the white cliffs of Dover."
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There are some who claim it was created earlier than that, and was used during WW2.

Went to Pam's for lunch. We decided to try the dining room. It was very good. Finger rolls with a choice of fillings and a big bowl of Manhattan style clam chowder, blueberry or cranberry nut muffin, tea or coffee. Pam says she eats one meal a day in the dining room. She likes to get out of her apartment and meet people. She had a delivery while I there. Jay had told her his gift to her wouldn't fit under the tree.  My brother got her an adjustable power bed frame - and base. She can use her own full size mattress and headboard. I got the headboard attached and everything set up. She was really dreading to have a hospital bed. So that solved that issue. We ordered a tray table that doesn't look too much like a hospital fixture. This morning we went to home health store. There were products she preferred to some at the hospital. I was along for the ride.