The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Plz tell me what to do. As you know mom is in the NH 150 miles away from me. I am disabled etc. I haven't been able to see mom for awhile. I call her and all she says is yes and no when I ask her questions. If I ask non y & n questions, she says she doesn't know. I have this nagging in my brain that all is not well there. If I ask sister she says "why do you want to know." Sis has POA and won't tell me how mom is and the NH won't either. Short of going there what should I do? I plan to go there on Mother's Day, but that is 2 weeks away. Advice please.

Brandy~I really don't know what you can do since your sister has POA. What I suggest is that when you visit in two weeks, and hopefully you can be there for a week, spend as much time with your mother as you can. If mom had dementia, you cannot expect her to too chatty on the phone or take what she says as complete truth. However, any complaints she does have should be investigated because just because a person has dementia doesn't mean that what they tell you is not part truth, they just can't express themselves as well as we can. My mother says she does not know to questions she really does not know the answer too. When you do talk with her on the phone talk to her about the past, that is easier for her to remember. I hope all works out for you and that your concerns turn out to be small issues. I know it must be very hard for you since you are disabled and at a distance from your mom. Hugs to you!!

Hi Everyone!!

I actually have positive news to report!!! Sis and I met at the community today at 8:45am. A nurse from the LTC policy came out to evaluate mom's living situation and her cognitive abilities. She agreed that the living situation mom is in matches her abilities so they will support that and pay accordingly. An aide brought mom up to her room...mom was so happy to see us!! She looks good, rested and seems relaxed. I was so happy about that because I expected her to look haggard from the obvious change and possible lack of sleep. We spent 3 hours with her including the interview with the nurse, did her laundry, had lunch with her. Afterwards we went to mom's house to look more for the containers for her hearing aids. We can't find them!! I have been to the community everyday except yesterday tieing up loose end with them, they needed copies for mom's insurance cards front and back, taking the dog to the vet to update her vaccines, buying waste paper baskets for the bath and kitchen, laundry hamper, etc....On Monday they said mom was packing her belongings because her brother was coming to take her home. They talked her out of that because her partial plates were missing. Later they found them soaking in her coffee maker, LOL.She put her hearing aids in the container with her partials on Wednesday with water in it. Sis called the hearing aid center and they said they should be fine. Today I found them in a bowl in a cupboard so I took them with me until we can find where mom hid the recharger and other container for them. Then sis and I went shopping buying a shower chair, new towels, bath rug, and pajamas for mom. Mom is in the Expressions memory care from 8:30-6 everyday. During that time, an aide comes to her apartment and walks the dog every two hours. When I would go to the community to bring over items for mom or for information they were requesting, I did not go to the memory care unity to see her. I called the union about the FMLA and yesterday being my first day back I work, I told the bakery manager I was applying for it and why. That was uncomfortable because I did get weepy and HE is only 28-30 yrs old. He said he would get me the paperwork right now and he was very compassionate. I am feeling better after seeing mom today, but it is still touch and go for me emotionally. She will be asking how long she will be there and when can she go home for a long time and I understand that so I change the subject. I am applying for the FMLA and hope to go out on that in 4 weeks so we can go through all of mom's belongings. It is going to be soooooooooo hard for me. I am hoping to get 4-6 weeks off to do all this plus grieve.

My brother put up a latch on the front yard side of mom's backyard gate so we could padlock it and give the combination to the lock to the yardman. My brother's step son is not doing well, whenever they take him out somewhere, he is in much pain for 3-4 days before they can get it under control again. He wants to go to a place in the mountains that he used to go to with his grandpa this weekend. They are doing everything they can to accommodate his wishes even though he will suffer for it afterwards. They have to do this for him even though it is painful for him and everyone else. I am exhausted but hopeful that in time mom will adjust and I know she must be enjoying the extra attention even though it is not from us everyday. Hugs to everyone and have a good weekend!!

I just have to tell everyone, I spent 45 minutes tonight talking with my mom, I told her I love you mom...for the first time ever....she said I love you too!!!♥♥♥

Sharynmarie: Sending you lots of love and tons of compassion. You rock and you are doing everything right. Blessings to you. Cat

Margeaux – I guess your sis including you on the mom’s decision was just a token gesture. That’s how I felt with mom’s funeral arrangement. We all agreed with one thing, and then the next day at lunch time, I find out differently. I asked around and none of my other siblings were consulted. Older sis decided to do what SIL wanted despite the obit lady saying that even they used the $900 obit for a family member that recently died.
In actuality- we had no say... If your sister wasn’t so closed mouth about things, she would have been texting you about any changes in your mom. I’ve done that all these 23 years to my siblings my mail, then by email and now by texting. If mom had ever died suddenly, they cannot blame me for not telling them how serious condition mom was. All your sister had to do was text you: mom not eatg breakfast…mom still in pain…not eatg lunch,etc…. I’m glad that your mom came of surgery okay. I was worried there but didn’t want to say anything to add to yours.

As for your golden boy brother, he sounds just like my golden boy brother of next door. He has 2 grown boys with their wife/girlfriend and their kids living with bro and his wife. Get this, those boys are in their late 20’s!! And their parents support them and their children. What happened to getting your kids to find a job and support their expenses (car gas, pampers, etc..???) I feel sorry for our brothers. I don’t think their children will take care of them or treat them right. I truly think that my brother would be neglected by his children. And he knows it too. Yet, he still enables them.

Dkjellander – I don’t think you sound harsh. You worked hard for your money so that you can use it on a cruise. That’s what you’re suppose to do. And I wouldn’t spend so much money and then end up going with people who will just ruin it for me. I’d be like you and go without them along. As for niece hinting about the cruise, she’s an adult. Go find a job or part-time job and pay for her cruise – as long as it’s not with you. I can just see her FaceBook conveniently showing how SHE was the one caring for grandma. I, also, have no problem telling off my nieces/nephews. And I also tell their parents. My family says that I’m the too blunt one in the family.

LEP – sorry that your older brother did that to your mom. I never knew how common that is until I found this site. I hope you succeed in proving your case. Scary the stuff we read here...

Sharyn...I am sooo glad that all that hard work and maneuvering mom into the community was successful. And that your mom actually looks healthy and well cared for! Yes, you will be hearing that question about when she's going home - for quite a while. For some, it never goes away. Just redirect. I'm so glad and Happy For You that you and your mom ended your phone conversation in a very very positve way! HUGS!!!! to you, too, Sharyn!! =)

So glad to have found this group. I lost my step-father almost 2 years ago and he was much younger than my Mum and took care of every need so she is now unable to care for herself. My bio dad who has also passed he was an alcoholic and cheater, never home and when he was we wished he was not because of the fights as well the physical and mental abuse. My Mum did not know how to be a Mum and was harsh and mentally abusive to all 3 of her daughters not her son though he is the only thing she expresses love for. Now that the only parent that made me feel loved (my stepdaddy) is gone it has fallen to me to care for my Mum. I have one sister that will not even come and visit her and one that will do things only if she gets paid and her wonderful son who lives about 2 hours away and only visits once a month and sends her a check for every occasion which I call BS on, I think he needs to invest some time with her since he is the only one that got any love from her and basically is still the only one she does not mentally abuse and manipulate. I spend 8 to 12 hours a day taking care of her, my husband and home are neglected and all I get from her is a poke in the belly with a cane and "you're getting fat" or she will watch me doing something and say "wow you are getting old you are full wrinkles". Mental abuse at it's finest. She will not join any of elder groups she says she does not want to be around old people, mind you she is 80 and she depends on me for everything and it makes me crazy. I manage her finances, all her doctor appointments she has cancer so we have a lot of doctors trips, take her shopping, for walks, to the casino, on all my vacations, to all family functions where I have to make sure she has a plate and drink and is comfortable and take her to and from the restroom as well as leave the function on moments notice because she gets tired. She wants what she wants when she wants and if it does not happen there is hell to pay. I mow her yard, plant all her flowers just like my stepdaddy used to do and she is still very hateful towards to me. She made a nasty remark to me yesterday about my past and my abusive relationships and came back with my own nasty remark about how her and my bio dad did not know how to be parents and that they broke us and made us into the type of women that get into abusive relationships because we have no self-esteem and because we are broken we think that is best we can do. BTW I have a good husband now he treats me well and even helps with my Mum when he can, so I did finally break the cycle but it took 40 years. My frustration comes when she calls me all times of the day or night whenever she gets lonely or depressed, I do everything for her but I can't fix that, I can only listen. I work hard to give her everything she needs but once in awhile I would like a break. She will not ask my brother for anything, he came to visit and she would not even ask him to put in a table leaf instead she waited for my son to come over and got him to do it. If I ask her why she does not ask my brother for anything she says oh he is tired he works hard, Now mind you he is retired from the federal government and works now by choice in a retail store. He does not have to work, he does it to pay his son's rent and child support, his son is 30 years old and can take care of himself and I so want to scream in his face and tell him he needs to give something back to the women who raised him not an ungrateful son, mom will not be here forever and he should be making time for her. Twice in one week him and his buddy went fishing and did not call mum or come and visited. I get so angry when I see those FB posts that I want to cry, I never get to go fishing or anything else for that matter without taking her along. I even took her on my honeymoon tell me that ain't a bite in the butt. I know how my siblings look at the situation, they don't want to be bothered with her and they figure since I am her paid care giver, I make about 600.00 a month to be her personal care attendant as she has deductible for the care and she does not have the money to pay that so I had to take the job as I could not expect someone else to do the job and waive the 602.00 deductible. So the 600.00 a month barely covers my expenses for all I do for her. I do it because she is my mother and needs me to be there. But it is starting to cause me to not like my siblings very much. I feel alone and stranded in big mess with no personal life to speak of and it is making me crazy. I know there are others on here in much worse situations so thank you so much for creating a place for me to vent.

Cat~Thank you! It was an amazing conversation and one I will treasure forever.♥♥Hugs you to!

I wish that I had family. I wish that I had someone that actually really cared about me. I don't even really have friends. I have acquaintances, but they don't really undertstand. All Mother does is yell at me because I don't get her medicine but she refuses to go the doctor. I've always reached out and helped others and they ended up using me so much that there is nothing left for me. The only doctor in this area that does home visits has missed three appointments. I'm not eating, I've gained 25 pounds, and I'm so sick that I can't even take care of my Mother, who is constantly putting me down and calling me names. I looked at every resource that there is, but there is no help and it gets worse everyday. My only option is apparently to go ahead and die, and then apparently my Mother can actually get some help.

Sad to read your story Simplyvampires.
Wanted to give a Great News to sharyn about her conversation with her Mom.
That must have made you feel just wonderful that she acknowledged your love and shared it with you. Always remember that.

Bonnie

Simply, You might as well take care of yourself first.

Sharynmarie,

Congratulations, about the evaluation that your mother received about her cognitive abilities, etc. All of these issues can start to put your mind at ease.

As I wrote before, this is a time for adjustments on many people's behalf.
It must be very difficult for you while you have gone there to the AL, to take care of the paperwork, and wanting to see your mom. I realize that this comes from a very nurturing and the heart. But remember some of the "detachment," alsol
Even your mom must make the adjustments now, and if she is to start to make this transition I really think this is a step in the right direction that she not see you each and every time you are there, especially while she's making the change in her and getting used to her new environment. Besides, you've stated that she was happy to see you and looked rested. This has to be a positive sign, the poor woman was recently locking herself in her bedroom w/her dog, now there are people there also watching out for her. She's I'm sure being required to engage with other people too, not just family. Even under these trying circumstances, it's always good when the patient starts to cooperate, and I'm afraid even when it's somewhat enforced by people who do not know them. I'll write about this in a separate post. My sister is really experiencing this w/mom right now.
Anyway, my point being, that she can finally be safe, and in her dementia hopefully not be scared she's alone, etc. Remember, we can only as the children of a loved one w/compromised abilities to think, and then there's the medications they give them to contend with. We really don't know what these kind of thought processes are any more for them, because WE only experience them as the observer. While they experience ALZ/Dementia as the patient.

I'm very happy for you, that finally you had that moment with your mother and you had the opportunity to tell her, "You Love Her." That she responded is, WOW! This is beautiful, and it was a long time coming, wasn't it!! Now that you've jumped this hurdle with her, just keep telling her that. I do this with my mom. I think sometimes we who have grown up in the dysfunction, sometimes spend lots of time in the hurt part of the relationships. We're all more mature, and even if we're obviously still dealing w/an elder who isn't mature, and top of it has these kinds of illnesses, WE have to take the high road so to say in the picture and take that first step, of which you did. A huge kudos for you!

I hope that you get the FMLA approved. Try to take it easy and do something for yourself. I really hope too, that you will have some assistance in packing up your mother's home. It does still sound as if you are doing much of the caring, given your sister is the POA.

I'm very sorry to hear about your nephew. I'll keep you and yours in my thoughts!
Stay strong, but take it easy too! Hugs, Much Love & There is LIght!! Margeaux

Bonnie,

You are so right! It was one hell of a week!!
I felt a bit of shell shock the last few days, after all of this.

Mom, stayed the night at the hospital and released the next day.
She's at home now. I'm afraid she's giving my sister a rather hard time right now.

My brother's kids can't give him any good advice. My sister and me think that, only the oldest son, is being somewhat sensitive towards my brother's dilemma.
This son, has two baby girls and is one of his kids who had his baby's w/the girlfriend, but they aren't married. He still lives at my brother's house. The girlfriend still lives w/her parents, and works during the day. So apparently the arrangement is that he picks up his two daughters, during the day and does the childcare. One is not even a year old. The other is almost 2 yrs., now. He works at night, so then returns them back to their mom at night. They do have a relationship, also. But I don't understand any of this.

So my sister had a talk with this son the other day via phone, and he expressed concern about his father,that he'd been going to work the last month with Shingles. But here again, on account of this son's circumstance, we know that my own brother probably doesn't get proper rest during the day either, he works a graveyard shift. I'm afraid having this daycare situation going on in his home, daily, our brother is sleep deprived. His other three kids show little to now concern about him. My brother is a total enabler, though.
This is why I call it utter chaos.

What on earth was a woman her age doing getting on a ladder? This is the kind of stuff my neighbor attempts. About 5 yrs., ago she got up on a ladder and fell; she cracked some ribs. She continues to do this too. She's told me about how she's climbed up a little step ladder to change a light bulb. She stupidly thinks that she can balance herself doing this task, in the middle of a room, so there's not even a wall she can hang onto. Then she'll also tell me that, she felt dizzy doing it. She's on HBP meds, and she's the one that likes to drink.
So it could be a combination of all of that too. But when she's told me of these episodes, I do tell her that not even I would attempt some of these acrobatic feats and I'm somewhat younger than she is. She's really a stubborn woman, I'm finding out. There's no reason for her to do this either, as we offer to help her out this way constantly. Hate to say it, but this is stupidity on her part.

It was good that you were able to help your friends out in this situation.
The way you wrote this Bonnie, was quite comical. I really had fun reading it.
I assume, that this happened some time ago? I could just see you running around their house to come to this woman's rescue.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux,
Just to let you know, Mrs. B is now 96 or 97 and has just given up making egg noodles for her church dinners and sales! She is the product of Ohio and strong lines of healthy farmers.
She also has a sharp sense of humor and fussed at me for wanting to call the Medics! "Oh Bonnie, they may need to help someone who REALY needs them...You just drive me to the hospital"
Oh Mrs. B continued to climb ladders and pick fruit. She had an orchard back in Ohio and used to do all kinds of canning as well as pie making. She would come out here every summer to tend the granddaughter, Lauren while the parents worked at their business. I had more time with Mrs. B than anyone else! When I was painting the kitchen cabinets, she would come over when she figured I would be taking the upper doors down and then when ready to put them back up. We made Watermellon Pickles every summer, too. Canned green beans, froze ears of corn...just loads of old time summer living. My husband really liked her being around, too. He was from a ranching/farming family and found the conversations about crops like old times. We would drive over to Eastern WA for apples and nectarines, which was a great road trip.

Sure miss her but have managed to get back to Ohio to visit her a few times. She is doing well for her age!

The funny thing about when she and daughter were both laid-up...I'd tell my husband...Oh honey, I just have to go over to help poor Sharon and Mrs. B...so you can do the chores here, right?" As I said, my real main job was going to the video store and fixing lunch or picking up something from a favorite restaurant! Sharon had a King bed and a lounge chair next to it, plus a big TV. All three of us would be there to watch the movies (I usually sat on the chair). I'd bring snacks in and drinks. We had a good time "recovering". My dear husband thought I was working away. (Not so much as Sharon had a housekeeper there, too.)
Ah, for the good ole days!!!
Thanks for your interest!

ps...Your brother will just have to cope as best as he can. Apparently, he is part of the mess/chaos. Are there any women living there?

Bookluvr,

I had honestly thought the very same thing regarding my sister, and as you have described it, a "token decision," for the rest of the siblings to participate in.
Part of this is also, that I feel and am witnessing that my sister in her impatience just doesn't let things gel either. I think a few days, or a weeks would have to pass before we could really make a determination about whether a strict diet for mother would have improved her condition. I don't know, maybe I'm the naive one here. But your point is well taken. Thank you! Also, I reached a point while we were supposedly deciding in which even thinking that she was possibly setting us up to do like the inevitable, (surgery), I had to dis-spell this kind of thinking from my brain. It would really make me feel very conflicted and this was based primarily upon the discomfort I feared mom could feel going through the surgery. Then, there's the ALZ to consider. Well, it's done. Mother will still have to follow a strict diet, because now there's no gallbladder.

I read some of the comments on the "You," thread. Honestly, your family had to worked over your every last nerve, with all the decisions you were having to be a part of.

Our brothers sound very similar. My brothers three boys work. They don't help him out financially. He's still operating as if they were under 18 yrs. old. I believe his daughter isn't working. She's got two kids, and someone has to do childcare, at least for that 2 yr. old. Her daughter is 8, and is in school. It's in large part my brother's fault, he's a total enabler of the situation. He somehow stupidly thinks that by keeping his children there at home, that they won't leave him, I guess.
The bigger problem is that he's dis-empowering from they having the necessary experiences for their own growth. This is the one of the worst things I think a parent can do.

I hope you are doing well, and that your dad is adjusting.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Bonnie,

Mrs. B, is a doll. I love these kinds of people. They know how to really live.
In French, this is the "Joie de Vie," Joy of Life. I find that people who still know the value of taking the time to do things such as canning, cooking, gardening seem to be mentally very healthy individuals. They get it!

My grandmother was a lot like this. She was from the old country, and was a great cook. There hasn't been any other cook in our family like her! She made everything from scratch.

Well how great is that! You spent that time with her and her daughter.
This is quite funny, what you said about your husband also, he thinking you were working real hard. HAAH!

The only woman in that household for the moment is his daughter, with the two kids. She's no help to him. It's the other way around. She being the only daughter in that family, she's been spoiled. He threw his wife out almost exactly a year ago. They had other marital problems. But at the bottom of a conflict they've had for years, is they were always towing in different directions when it came to their kids. She was always cooking for them. She was never the housekeeper. He isn't either, so you can imagine that my niece and nephews haven't been taught anything about contributing in this manner to a household. I think my brother's wife had differences with him, wanting him to back her up more and enforce some kind of discipline, but instead it became like a tug of war the married parties. My sister and me feel like she finally got fed up, and started to stay out after work, (so get away from the house duties). I guess this is about the time it came to a head.

But I know current day, not one of those kids does anything. We even suspect that probably my brother now does most of the cooking. But he shouldn't be doing this either. Hope they figure all of this out for their own good!
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Mom came home a day after her surgery. She had a very bad first night.
My sister said that she got up 8X's to use the bathroom. It was a big struggle for her to get up out of the bed because she had lots of pain. So then, my sister had a commode, (porta potty) probably from when our aunt needed this equipment, last year. She set it up right next to mom's bed. Mom apparently put up a fight about using it. But my sister had to put her foot down, because she was up all night long.

The next morning, my sister discovered a pill on the floor next to mom's bed.
Ay!! It happened to be the pain pill mom was to take for pain. This is probably why she didn't sleep. So I advised, that my sister really make sure mom's put it in her mouth, if she needs a pain med.

Last night she only got up 1X, now to use the bathroom. My sister wants her to do this to get a bit of exercise.

So we will se how it goes with her.

Margeaux

Glad your mother had a better night. Let's hope she continues to get better and better!
I've been calling Mom all day but the phone has been busy. Finally left a messaage with her PA, Andrea. I suspect Mom had Andrea take the phone off the hook while trying to get some sleep. Her hospital bed in on the middle level of her house, living room, kitchen level...so she may just want some peace and quiet. Mom really dislikes talking on the phone under nearly all condidtions. All my siblings and Mom's neighborhood friends were in and out of the house yesterday. Knowing her, she is just fine and dandy. But, I do with Andrea would call to let me know.
Oh, I know all is fine.
Gotta smile because I'm sure my mom was just as anxious about me when I was the newborn home from the hospital. "What goes around comes around!"

The up and down during the night is miserable. Hope the pain meds will help her even more tonight.
xxoo, Bonnie








1

Called Mom this morning. She had showered, washed her hair, and Andrea was puttling rollers up. The PT is coming this afternoon and she wants to look nice.
Mom said the pain is ever so much better. I think her attitude is really good.
Yeah Mom!!
So very glad!!!

I would advise anyone who comes from a dsyfunctional family who is considering allowing parents to move into their home,,, DON'T. Out of guilt, pity or sometimes I don't know what, I agreed to move myself and my elderly mother into a new home. She has done nothing but make critical remarks, talk down to me, belittle me , and generally treated like a 10 year old. I have tried to be respectful to her, but today, I couldn't do it anymore. She has gotten to me. After being belittled again, I lost it. I told her she has until the end of May to get out of my house. She says it's me who has the problem!! She has always been a bitter and not so nice person, my sister and I were physically and verbally abused as children, and the verbal abuse continues. My sister has not spoken to her in over 5 years. I just wish I had been wiser about this situation,, I let my heart get in the way. I intend to follow thru with my plan of her moving out, I can no longer do this. Thank you to everyone on this site, and bless all of us!!!

Well today, I started off my day with a fight with my oldest sister, she did not like the fact that I was changing the locks on mom's home. We were going out of town and I did not believe it was right for my oldest sister to allow other family members to come into mom's home while we gone. My mom even said she didn't want them in, but I know my older sister she cannot say no to anyone.

There is a leak in the bathroom that I will address upon my return but I couldn't afford my older sister to allow 8 to 10 people in mom's home.

I was honest with my older sister that I was going to change the lock and she expected a key, which would have defeated the whole purpose. This morning I told once again I was not giving her a key, she told me that what I was doing was wrong.

I informed her direct and politely that I was not wrong, but the way I was being treated was wrong. I told her that mom and I said no one should be in the home and that should be enough, but I told her that I can't count on that fact. I told her that I deserved to be treated better than I was being treated. I told her that I had feelings too and no one ever thinks about my feelings or how I am treated.

So I put it all on the line this morning. Now we will see how it goes because this is the first time in years that none of my siblings or family members have a key to mom's home. I have someone checking the house several times a week, but they are not family and they are in the neighborhood.

Over the years, I have learned to pick my battles wisely and this is one I felt like taking on. Sometimes you just need to unload on the family and tell them the truth.

My mom didn't have an issue with it. Mom said it would give her a break and she wouldn't need to check on it. Thanks for letting me share.

Siblings who do not live in the building, should never have keys to Moms house.
The fact that they do signifies their self-entitlement to their mothers home, which if she is not there, they also should not be.

Anybody who is objecting to your request, is suspect, to I wonder what else they think they are entitled to do, did they forget, it is your mother's home???

If you do not have POA, perhaps one of them does and has not told you???

In our case, the (POA's) kept taking their mothers keys to make copies for themselves, but we did not know they had POA.

Does POA really allows them access to the home?

Dkjell - Hopefully the new locks will keep them out

Lwentanon, my sister has control issues with laziness. She wants to think she is in control but she does not want to do anything. I have the medical POA and currently pay the bills.

My sister drove mom around for 12 years because of mom not having a driver's license and during this time she gave everyone keys. Since I have come into the picture, I have changed things.

I find some of these behaviors very rude and I won't tolerate them at all. I am the bad guy, always am. At times I get tired of being the bad guy, it was far easier to do when I was not living with my mom. Most of the time I deal ok, but sometimes it gets a bit much.

My mom doesn't want people to take the keys because of my siblings taking things out of the house without her permission. When we are at her home and not traveling in my home, mom goes through things to give them away now versus later. I am trying to get mom to understand that now is the time to part with her stuff and not later.

Family is an interesting thing, I am caregiver because of my mom and an agreement I made with her. I do it because of her and for her. My caring for my mom preserves her home that I have been paying on for about 14 years now to help her out. My sisters did not listen to me about mom's house and listened to a poor attorney. I knew the law because I had already consulted some friends that were attorney's but they didn't listen to me. So if I was not caring for mom, she would be on Medicaid, her home sold and her in a nursing home.

When my dad passed away and in his final days, I learned and knew this would be set in life. I saw how my other siblings behaved and knew very much who my mom would lean on. I am the most independent child of the group that has always stood my ground and went for the sky. I wanted more out of life, so I took a very different path. I am the black sheep because I went into management and got an education. I am ok with that, but I knew this is where I would be.

It is interesting reading on this board because all families have a certain amount of dysfunctionality to them if we are willing to admit it. The degree of dysfunctional is where it is at.

But I agree with you, if you do not live there you don't need a key. I believe it was my sisters that were out of line and rude. I even told my oldest sister that I don't have a key to her home, which is the right way for things to be.

It was an interesting conversation and now the next few weeks will be interesting.

Bookluvr, it depends upon the type of POA, who's home it is and whether or not they are competent.

There are many different types of POA's. I hold the medical POA, but some sister has some silly POA that a social worker told her was not good for much other than financials.

There are durable POA's and more. It just depends on the type and the parent. You see my mom said no she didn't want anyone in her home while she was gone, but my oldest sister just cannot say no. Then we had a leak in the bathroom that created a safety issue, so for those reasons I changed the locks.

Like I said my sister is a control freak in a weird way, but she is also very lazy.

If you have a certain situation, you want to determine if the person you are caring for is competent to make decisions. My mom depends upon the day with her Alzheimer's. Some days mom is on her game and other days she isn't. So right now I have been providing the POA for the future or when necessary.

The POAs never wanted to take care of their mother they just wanted the power to be able to sell her house and throw her out. They were always in her house, because I lived on the second floor and could hear them, but I am not family, I am just her caregiver.

Of course if your Mom has her own house why does she have to get rid of her things now? She is still very much alive. POAs can sell the house and so much more. Find out your rights!

They would come in looking for her money, she always had some in the house. in the end we found out they had POA's to sell the house and kick everyone out, even though the one true son, who had put the new kitchens and bathrooms in on both floors and the new electric, well the POAs went in to court, acting like we were freeloaders, even though they knew we were her caregivers, they still ____ us. Does the title have you and your Moms name on it? If the home is in her name, you might be out of luck.

Dkjell - you can always change the current POA to a new one. The one that gives YOU control of your mom's financial/assets. I've read enough horror stories here. Best one is Guardianship via the court. Siblings cannot "borrow" mom and change the POA back to them. I would not look down at the person holding the financial POA. If your mom needs elective surgery, and sis with financial POA says it's unnecessary, then your mom will not do the surgery unless you (yourself) pays for it. It's only useless if your mom has NO money at all.

Lwentanon, my mom has a will and it states that everything is to be sold except the specific items listed in the will. My mom has a lot of family items we do not know about if mom wants someone to have something she should give it to them now.

You have to follow the will, my sisters and I all agree that mom should go through things to give us things she wants us to have that are not listed in the will. Plus this will prevent less fighting later on.

You see I live in a 5th wheel, we do a lot of traveling with my mom. So most of the time if I need something I take it out of my 5th wheel and use it. I have all of my own things so I don't really need mom's stuff.

Sadly, I do know my rights and right now I hold most of the balls in my court. If my sisters want to give me too hard of a time, I am the one they will have to go through. I am the one that can put mom in a nursing home and if did they would have no inheritance at all because everything would be sold including the house, they would get nothing. Medicaid would take any profit for mom's care.

Years ago, I wanted them to put all of our name's on the title because you typically have to have them on there for anywhere from 3 - 5 years depending upon the state to protect the house. My sisters refused to listen to me, so now the house would be lost.

My sisters don't want mom's money because she doesn't have any. My mom's monthly check does not cover everything. In fact, I pay for everything that her check does not cover. One of my sisters will buy mom underwear and one will give me $100 once a month every now and then, but I pay for the house and much more.

I have some ideas on how I am going to get my money back from home repairs but I have to speak with an attorney to make sure they are possible. So right now I hold the power, not that I want to throw that in their face.

Bookluvr, actually they cannot stop mom from having any surgeries with the financial POA. My mom has medicare and supplemental insurance which both have a copy of the medical POA that I have. I hold the medical POA which means anything in regards to her health and well being is up to me. I have notified them all already.

In regards to her finances, I am listed on her checking as is my oldest sister. I am listed on the house mortgage that they can discuss it with me. Mom changed that years ago when I began paying on her mortgage to help her out. I have most of the bills set up in ebills that come to my email addresses. My sisters do not have the logins for any of the bills I pay online.

So really for right now I am in pretty good shape with the finances. My older sister and her husband like to take credit for the work, but not do the work. My older sister's husband frequently talks about how much he did and does for my mom, but in fact he does nothing really.

Also I forgot to tell you my mom won't do elective surgery. Mom broke her leg almost 2 years ago and it is not going to heal. The doctor told her he could do surgery to put pins and a plate on it. Mom told him on several occasions that she did not and would not have the surgery. And this surgery plus recovery would have been covered, but at her age going to under is scary, so she isn't about to do surgery unless it is absolutely necessary. I also think she was afraid if it healed she would have to go back to living alone.

My husband and I have spoiled her because we take her shopping, out to eat, and traveling like when my dad was alive. My older sister and her husband didn't do that, so I think she didn't want us to leave. I know my mom pretty well and I think she enjoys having us around way too much. When my husband and I have a fight, she sides with him no matter what. I think my husband reminds her of my dad and because we take her so many places. I mean we take her a lot of places.

Right now we are going to be gone for 3 weeks, we are on our way to Tennessee, Florida, a cruise and whatever we want to see on our way back. We have all sorts of things we plan on doing.

But when it comes to the POA, I am in pretty good shape. I am also happy that I have somewhat of an ally in my younger sister, who visited this past weekend. She decided she would care for mom so my husband and I could have a break. She spent a lot of time with mom, she was exhausted when she left. :-)