The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Becky,

I'm so sorry to hear about Pam's diagnosis. Cancer is hard. I will keep her in my thoughts.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I just finished speaking with a couple of private duty nurses. Pam and I both liked the same nurse. She only does private duty and primarily with cancer patients. She works through the hospital registry. She will start tomorrow and will work noon - 10 pm She will work Tuesday thru Friday. Tomorrow another nurse is interviewing for Sat-Sun-Mon. The other nurse we interviewed didn't want to care for Pam because she is a retired RN. She told me she had always found retired nurses were too bossy - her opinion, not mine.  I think having the nurse 10 hrs a day will be a huge help since Jay and I don't have any hands on experience.

We also have Hospice coming tomorrow. I've read all of the information, but still have questions. Pam has everything else in order. This is an experience that I never expected to have.

becky -glad she stabilized. Thx for the update. Having the nurses there should help a lot, and also having hospice come in. You have had so many losses, but not in this particular context. I can't imagine. it must be very tough. Prayers for comfort.

Hi margeaux -good to see you here again. Bring us up to date on your news.

rainey thx - yes, you are not responsible for their behaviours, or reactions to your choices. That is their problem. Your problem is your life and wellbeing. Look after you!

Starting to feel some withdrawal or lack of the meds with some muscle aches. Think it is withdrawal as it feels different from FM. I can handle that better than emotional reactions or brain zaps. Trying tylenol to see if that works. We are heading into another cold spell through to the weekend. Won't go on too long. The days are a bit longer which helps.

Becky good luck with getting the nursing staff. A nurse who is intimidated by a pt being a nurse is not good news from my stand point.

Margeaux, I thank you for the good vibes.

Things are about the same for me. Its seems like just as soon as I see my way up, something happens that knocks me back. What I have to share is so petty but it is the epihany of my relationship with my sister and my mother and now my nephew.

My son and I bought this fridge about 3 years ago. No one cleans it but me. I mean the gook and concoctions. Once when she wandered someone threw so things out but did not get to the crud and scum that accummulates. Anyways I in my silliness took a stance of not doing anything when my sister told me I dont do anything. Same thing my motheer would say. So I stopped only to be frustrated knowing and seeing no one else is going to do it.

Anyways I have a picture of my son and his family and a few old picutres I find of my son as a child and my mother with two bad ass deceased aunts whom I loved dearly. I keep finding pictures as I clean and Ive been planning to get magnets so I can put more pictures up in a plastic cover.
Well this morning when I come in I find my son's pictures and some other pictures in the middle of the living room floor. Mind you these pics hav been there since over a year with no problem. When I pick lthem up to put them back on fridge the magnet has a picture proof of my nephew. I wont lie. I felt some kind of way. I had noticed I had caught a mouse in trap next to fridge. (as I was cleaning I screamed twice, the second time was when he ran out, my mother leaves door open. He was nice and fat and I was determined to out him.) So when I put my pictures back up I kindly let the nephew picture fall near trap. When I come down to leave for work my pictures are off again his picture is on kitchen table and the mouse is gone.

I know this sounds so petty and childish. I know I should not have fed into this. Its so petty and ovbvious the envy and sabatoge. What made whoever all of a sudden even touch those pictures, its like the nerve,my picutre, my magnet and its the same theme I had to live with since I moved back in. So many of my rights and principles were trampled.

So I am writing a letter to say please do not touch my pictures or magnet placed on the door. If you want , get your own magnet and do as you want. You dont clean door or fridege so what is the sudden attraction to these picutres. Ors something to that effect.

I know its sick minds. I have been letting my sister get away with this type stuff since I was a child. she feels entiltled in her self righteous wrong. there was never any correction to her, she got away with every thing.
My reactions are sometimes wrong and from pent up frustration. All I would like is some justice, to see some rightness. I know it wont happen. I cant make it happen.
I cant wait for this therapy. I tore my nephews proof up and put it in the garbage.
its pent up stuff like this that feuled me when my sister rasied her hand at me the last time. I had to catch myself. I told her she should be glad I pray. I know I am, its all I got.

Ive always felt left out. "Hey there lonely girl" was a song I thought was written for me. I think I am ok and then some more crazy comes my way.

But one thing for sure is that I have learned so much from this forum. So many post Ive read that have kind of prepared me for the changes in my mother. Helped me to anticipate. Even thought its different when its up front in your face it helped me to cope. I so apprciate being able to vent my crazy. I sure appreciate people sharing. I know so many of you are going through more and much worst. Reading the posts ground me in reality of life of the world and I thank you all for that. Not to mention those wise and beautiful old timers and new timers who share their pearls of wisdom and truth.

You got it, Margeaux, that cousin is the one who I finally "blew up" about a couple years ago, after she has gleefully and admittedly bullied me all our lives. Thank you for pushing me to stand firm in boundaries I have in place now. I realized the more distant relationship I have with cousin now is better for me. I do feel some guilt, probably because we were raised very close. But I remember her husband saying something about "apologize to (cousin) so we can go back to the way things used to be." And I realize that I don't want things to be the way they used to be. I have enough to stay busy with, Margeaux, I don't need to go inviting drama into my life by apologizing to cousin. How is your mother doing? I hope you're very well yourself. And Happy New Year to you!

Golden, love your move on the cottage lot price. You're right: no matter how good a deal it is, some people want to be certain they've gotten your bottom basement price, so more room to negotiate is brilliant.

Becky, I'm very sorry for the tough time Pam is having. I'm glad she has you.

Hey everyone, good to see you here and posting. :-)

My first day at new work is done. I'm beat. Overall it was a good day but I'm not used to being on my feet all day, so this will take some getting used to. I do get to sit down when it's slow, so I think I'll be fine, just need to gain some muscles for this particular type of work. I forgot, too, how cloying smells can be when you're working in or next to a kitchen all day. I was a bit nauseous by the end of the day, but I think that, too, will adjust. The customers are very nice -- and generous, too -- and the owners are very nice. I think I'll like it there.

Hope everyone's having a good start to the week.

Ali, I am happy for you.

Thank you, Duck, appreciate that! I'm feeling sick to my stomach today, must be from working in a kitchen/food place again, but hope it will pass... and it was a good reminder that apple cider vinegar does wonders! I'm having some to soothe my stomach. ;-)

I can relate to "Hey Lonely Girl" being your theme song. Sometimes I think I'm living in my own little world, population 1, because my family relationships aren't good, either, and friends don't live very close by.  I spend a lot of time by myself and mostly that's ok, but it can get lonely.   

That's weird someone (who??) would bother to take your pictures down now after they've been up a good while.  I'm sorry that someone does that to you because... your response may be "petty" but the action to begin with that you're responding to is petty, too.  That stinks.  Keep your chin up.  

Duck, got one nurse hired for four days a week and starting tomorrow. We didn't accept the one who didn't want a nurse for a patient. Tomorrow we're interviewing two more for the three day position.

Becky, thank goodness you didn't hire the nurse that doesn't want to care for a retired RN. You want someone who would really care for Pam because she's a person at the end of her shortened life. I'm glad she wasn't hired.

Hi Margeaux. I don't come here as often as I ought. I think I missed ABB's post about blowing up with her cousin. Either that or old age is finally catching up with me.

ABB, good for you that you've decided not to apologize! My family says that I may be the quietest one of the siblings but I'm the meanest. That's because I tend to be quiet and smooth things over with the family. The peacemaker. But piss me off, and my mouth goes off with the hard truths. Yes, I do feel bad when this happens. But I rarely apologize or back down because most times, I was pushed into the corner before I struck out. And my family knows this.

DDDuck, how much do you value those photos? I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. Rivalry and playing tricks on one another. I also have one sibling who was the Golden child - self centered, vicious, greedy, etc... I'm telling you now, if my sib knew how much you value those photos, one day - you will find it completely missing. You will NOT find it in the trash, or any where in the house. Just a warning....

Golden, {{hugs}} for strength as the withdrawals start. I once saw oldest sis try to stop smoking cold turkey. It was not a nice sight. However, after seeing her go through that, I swore to never smoke - cigarettes, drugs, etc... While you're waiting for the meds to be manufactured/available, is it possible to try the holistic approach? Have you tried to see if there's a local native healer in your area to help you deal with the pain? Or was that Alaska I'm thinking of? Sorry, I think it was Alaska. Strike out the local healer stuff.

Duck, it seems to be a power struggle regarding the pictures. I hope it stops as it is passive aggressive.

Margeaux, good to hear from you. Wishing you a Happy New Year!

Ali, congrats on the new job!

Golden, hope the withdrawal pain subsides.

Just working, not much else. January is a slow month, a month to rest after holidays. Doing a little crafting on my down time.

Duck, Read about the pictures. For a year or two my Mom and I had a struggle over photos. Mom had photos everywhere of my bad bros kids and grandchildren. I would put out a photo of my son or grandchildren. Those photos would vanish. Or she would make snide remarks about them. I finally put my child's photo in my room. It was a power struggle that wasn't worth the effort. Pick your battles, be the bigger person -  having a photo on the refrigerator isn't worth the stress. 

I am so over family, I really am. The pain they inflict with their cruelty, thoughtlessness, jealousy, abuse, be it mental, physical or sexual, it is so much more painful when it is your own blood doing this to you. I have to just mentally divorce from them for now until Mom passes on, then I will make it official. The fact I am almost 50, well over half my life ( I would be willing to bet ) as I don't see myself living long after a lifetime of brutal stress and I honestly don't want to either. Most of my life's pain inflicted by family. I even thought I had one ally, my Mom's sister in Chicago, I called her last week to talk to her about Mom falling and what did she do? She attempted to call me, I missed it but tried back 10 minutes later, no answer, not even VM. She never attempted to try calling me back but called Mom instead. Mom is in dementia land, she will never get the facts from her. This sister KNOWS this! Why she never tried calling me back is just the straw that broke the camels back.

I am done with family. They are nothing but a constant source of dissapointment and pain. I am so tired of fighting, trying to do the right thing and getting attacked for it or ignored.
Nothing hurts as much as betrayal by family, that is why this post never ends.

I desperately want the pain to end but it never does, always new things coming up to further justify my feelings towards them. In the end, they cannot say I ever did anything malcious, cruel, or abusive in any way towards any of them. That is honest. I am not saying I am perfect, far from it but I am not and never have been a mean, or cruel person. I was always on the receiving end so I was more than aware of how awful it felt. When you are the youngest in the family, you know you cannot defend yourself, especially being the only female.
This is why I have regrets about caring for Mom, I basically brought it all to the forefront again just trying to "do the right thing" and what she asked me to do for her. I thought since my brothers were grown up, had families, they would act like adults. I was so wrong. Look where it's gotten me.
What's that saying? No good deed goes unpunished? That's how it feels.
Sorry everyone, I am just in a mood today. This is the only place I can let out these feelings where I know most everyone here knows exactly what I am talking about and has experienced very similar feelings.
Thanks again for letting me rant, Duck's story and the responses kind of set off triggers in me about how cruel and hurtful family can be and yes, how LONELY that feels! 😥

I have a different family gripe. My first cousin's wife died. I have met her, but do not know her well. I don't know my cousin well either. Her funeral is Thursday. Family is mad at me because I said I would not the funeral. This is my Mom's nutty bunch. I am not spending $1200.00 in airfare, hotel fees, etc. to attend the funeral of someone I Don't know.

Rainey, Hear you loud and clear. Divorce yourself as much as possible now and completely when you can. Try not to make yourself sick over the situation. You know they wouldn't do it for you.

Becky,
I don't blame you, I wouldn't get anywhere near those nutcases, especially after all you endured last year!
I know you understand me and I very much appreciate that and I understand why you have the feelings you do as well. We both have been through the wringer and still they expect from us.
Amazing isn't it?

Rainey, (((hugs))), so sorry you are going through this. Becky is right, detach, divorce! The more you do the right thing, dysfunctional families let you down, attack, and conspire to add more pain.

Thanks Sharyn,
I appreciate it. You know, somedays it seems to hit you full force? Everything just bubbles up and you just want to run. Run far away from everything, find a little island and hide out for a while. But.....you can't. Gotta keep that suit of armor on and wade your way through it the best you can. Someday.................. I keep dreaming. 🌴🍹☺️

Rainey try not to tangle with nephew, he has more time to torment you than you do to respond. getting upset simply plays into his hands, he feels he has won. When the opportunity presents itself move in but for now bide your time. There will come a time when he desperately needs something from you and then it will be your choice.

Becky I totally support your decision. If they want you to go so badly invite them to pay your expenses.

Hey Veronica,
Think you got me confused with someone else, 😉 I never see my nephews and never had any issues with them, just my immediate family for the most part and their co-dependent, in denial wives.
My only other contact was one of Mom's sisters because she is the only one who has her wits about her and still working as a nurse in a SNF. Mom's other sister, there is a long, on going rivalry there (between Mom and she) and now she has dementia too.
Dysfunction everywhere.

duck -I am sorry about the pictures. It is another put down. My mother was selective about which pictures she had on display and they did not represent the reality of our family. I let it be. Not worth the hassle. They aren't going to change. I sure identify with "lonely girl" too. I was lonely a lot of my early life. Now I love being alone

ali - I remember when, as instructors, we went back to teach after the summer off and we all were beat the first week. It does take some getting used to. Hope your tummy settles down.

becky - hope the interviews went well. I agree about the photos. Your choice to go to the funeral or not. Frankly it is none of their business. I would not go if I were in your shoes.

book - thx for hugs. I am not going cold turkey, just halving my small dose, and feeling just fine today. Yay!!!

sharyn thx - doing very well today and hope it continues. Crafting is fun!

rainey (((((((hugs))))))) I hear you. Yes, mentally divorce them, and do it actually after your mother passes. I have had to do that with sis and several cousins. I am so sorry that your aunt let you down too. I know the feeling of wanting to run and pitting on the suit of  armour.  I visualized a brick wall between me and them,  and also a castle with a moat, and a drawbridge that I could raise up to prevent anyone getting in. The moat had alligators in it.

Margeaux - waiting to hear more from you. How is your mum?

Day 2 of my chemical mind adventure. I am feeling good. I did some research on FM supplements and have upped my dose of one and added a couple of teaspoons of EVOO until the rice bran oil I ordered gets here. Why rice bran oil I could not find out, but it can't hurt. I think the idea is that this supplement gets "delivered" to where it needs to go better if taken with oil.

Bad news about turmeric - its bioavailability is so low it is not worth taking. News about calcium and Vit D - a recent study confirms that taking them is not associated with any reduction in bone fractures. That one is going to my dr. It doesn't surprise me. Exercise is probably more effective in keeping bones healthy. I will take Vit D and some calcium, as I don't eat dairy, but not the dose he gave me if there is no proof it does any good. The good news is I got the top off my bottle of thyroid meds with my trusty pliers. 👍

Darn cold here again, and windchill making it feel like the minus 30s. ❄ 😰❄ I have to go out tomorrow, and I think I will cab it. The city did a great job clearing my driveway. Taxes are going to some use.

Have a good evening everyone

We hired a second nurse today for the other three days. Today worked out well with the first nurse. Pam said she was attentive and very helpful, but not hovering or intrusive. Jay visited earlier and he thought she was nice. Hospice supervisor and hospice nurse who is located in the apt. complex came today. They went over their services, what they provided, what we needed to do. Right now the nurse will come for two to three hours in the mornings on Tuesday and Friday. End stage a nurse can drop in to help out or check on things more frequently. Right now they do not have a large caseload in the building. Pam will still have respiratory therapist twice a day for breathing treatments. Respiratory therapist will speak to doctor if she feels Pam needs to go on oxygen. Pam had an okay day except very fatigued from all of the visitor's. I had fixed crockpot chicken and dumplings for the family and brought Pam and Jay some for dinner along with mashed potatoes. Pam had some of both. She's decided "white" food like potatoes and oatmeal seem to agree with her best. Pam is so agreeable. I don't think in her situation I could be that nice. She says she thinks if her husband had not died last summer or if she had grandchildren she might be more angry about being ill. Our DIL had stopped in this afternoon with the baby to visit. Pam was thrilled with that. She loves to hold Holly and play with her.

We're having our January thaw - but it will be short-lived. Back down below zero and snow on Thursday. Will it ever be spring?

Becky my heart is with you. I admire your strentgh and loyalty and love. Please dont forget to take care of yourself throughout this. May God bless and keep you all.

Sharyn you are so right. I knew I should not have fed into it. but seeing my pictures on the floor!! and then see she put up a proof of her son where my pictures were. I typed this letter. I have type a lot of them. I was going to put it on the fridge. Then I spoke with a friend, my son and the counselor via telepone.
After I spoke to my son I went and took letter down. He thing was dont feed into it I am giving her power just act like I didnt even see it and leave it in God's Hands. Then the counselor who has this strange :) trick of listening to me and then I end up making the best decision. It was like they dont care about howI feel, will they read the note. Then my Friend said basically they same. Its petty we are grown ass women acting like we are still kids.
Its true. I havent gotten over all the past stuff done that she literally got away with. She feels entitled.
So I am following the advice and act like it never happened instead of letting them know it hurt me.
Then I leave out this evening and there is a glue trap IN the refrigerator with a picture stuck on it. I didnt pay anyattention this morning. Then I noticed a camera for survelience. Im going to have fun with that. I just cant help it. two little things that need to be plugged in. You can imagine the things that have gone through my head. I am tempted to throw them in one of my mother's bags and stick it deep in one of the shopping carts. I would just like to see some justice for once. I guess i have to wait I hope I live to see it. I mean as a kid I would be laying in bed sleep and she would just come and pull the covers off me. After a few times I would scramble out of bed and get caught choking her when my parents run up stairs to see what the commotion was. She was never corrected, it was always my fault. I am so deeply frustrated, I see the petttiness. If my mother was lucid and I had pursued thiswith my sister she would have jumped in front of my sister on her side regardless of what my sister did. I felt better after prayer and reading the 37th psalm. I am sought of good now. But I know I am going to have to pray my self out of doing something wicked with those camera just because.

Good news I have just officially sent in my application for sliding scale payments and an income affidavit from job which was emailed. I finally had a light bulb moment and ask the guy to email it. I am still waiting for a bank card the second one I requsested. At one point I was well I wont say it.
More good news is that I think that bleed is reabsorbing as my mother is gettinh more active. Still confused but back to putting the shopping carts to the door. Meanness is coming back too. She was telling the dog to put his shoes on before she hit him with can. She is taking every thing out the freezer putting it in the covection oven or in the fridge. I sure hope her nasty does not come back. So far I get to give her a kisss and get a cheep one back. And we can still laugh.

I also appreciate feedback I got in a msg. Its just that there is sabatoge in my sisters spireit with me. I am waiting for stove knob covers, I hope they work so we can have a decent meal.

Golden, I feel for you with the withdrawal symptoms. They had me sedated when I was on a respiratory about a week. That is a horrible feeling then I learned what panic attacks were.
Golden hang in there, you are so resilient, and I so admire your courage and strength probably as I write this you are feeling much better. I hope so.

Ali, girl!! I am pushing for you always I also admire your strentgth and independence and resilience. Horray about the job. Keep on pushing.

Duck, Thanks for the kind words. Pam is so nice she makes it easy. And we have plenty of helpful support and my brother is good to help. He'll take out trash, loadbthe dishwasher etc.

Don't buy into your sisters nonsense. Don't give her the satisfaction.

Duck, much of what your mother does is a result of dementia. However, your sister messing with the pictures is calculated thoughts. To help you ignore what she does, just think about all the energy she puts into these acts to rile you. Then laugh at her for all the energy she wastes trying to upset you. Rise above it. I know it is frustrating and hurtful and there will be times you want to scream. Pillows come in handy for that, lol! Maybe you could go to a gym to work out the frustration constructively. Hang in there!

Sharyn,
I like that! Duck, she is right......next time she does this to you, start laughing at her and ask, "Are you still up to your childish pranks?" Then walk away still laughing. That will burn her up far better than anything. You come out smelling like a rose and she gets to look the fool. What a perfect way to take away the joy she gets from upsetting you. Love it!

The camera doesn't lie Duck, if they are hoping to gather evidence of your wrongdoing all they will see is the opposite of that, too bad you don't have access to what it captures. I would leave it alone.

I work with a woman who tries to micro manage everyone. She is not in a position of authority. It really angers the younger people. I was frying tortilla chips and placing the fried chips on a large cooking tray. She scrunched up her face watching me ( complete disapproval). She said, we use the big tub to put the cooked chips in, ive never seen it done this way! I replied, there is more than one way to skin a cat, and I continued doing it my way. She won’t argue about and I feel this sets a boundary without creating animosity between us. She does not completely realize how she sounds to others and when confronted, she can’t admit she disapproves if not done her way. The thing is, she is a nice person otherwise. I just work around her and ignore it.

It will be a hard week at work but in a funny way a validating one. Last week my FIL and MIL admitted to my husband that FIL had spent the last 3 days in bed with lung issues and *might be* pneumonia. This is COPD patient on 24/7 O2...when I asked hubs if FIL was going to doctor, he said *oh, dad said he has regular appt on Thursday*. Me: This flu is nasty - does he need to be checked out? FIL is the POA for MIL, still no info on what has been done and she's on Medicaid in SNF. Husband: You're just worrying about nothing. What a pain you are being....
One of the guys I work with left early yesterday to check on his stay-at-home wife in her 50's who didn't answer phone. She has been sick in bed for 4 days with "the crud". When he got there, she was unconscious and he called EMT's. Long story short, she coded on way, and died of dehydration and PNEUMONIA.
Yep, I'm a worrywart and a pain...I have to remind myself that if it matters more to me than him, it's enabling...

Blimey, Guest. That must have been quite a shock for the poor man.

We do rather live in a sort of Western medicine bubble where the underlying assumption is that only cancer or murder can kill you, don't we. I just wish we *could* say "that'll teach him!" - but as it is what a very sobering thing indeed to have happened.

Has FIL been vaccinated against pneumonia? If so he might have some protection against the worst effects even if this started out as a viral infection. But I can't quite see how you are worrying about *nothing*, exactly... Unless, nothing includes "what's a little pneumonia between friends and an elderly gentleman with COPD..???"

CM, The flu vaccine here in Texas is only working in about 10% of cases to prevent. FIL is a narcissistic jerk who has 2 sons (one my husband) that alternate between "we must care for family" and "wife, what do you mean NO - you want ME to care for my family instead of you?". I feel badly for my co-worker, his wife fought him about going to doctor over the weekend. As on the Dorker thread, a part of problem is that my husband and his brother were primed for FIL to die early leaving MIL waif with money and have MIL need minimal care. As it stands now, MIL is in skilled nursing for her Parkinson's and catheter for UTI/incont and FIL with COPD/stroke survivor is staying at his house after putting MIL on Medicaid with impoverishment and refusing to pay for home health care. Of course, I'm the bad guy because I refused to go up and provide support for people that are "takers" that expect the daughters in law to provide care that MIL and FIL never provided for their own parents so MIL could stay at home without spending the inheritance FIL got from HIS mommy. Bitter me much? you bet. Boundaries are our friend. My current chant - dementia is broken brain. FIL and MIL can want what they want-broken brain can't be reasoned with. I can't possibly do that.