The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Got my dental junk done. Went well. Dentist sees no problems. Sipping 7-Up; tomorrow I get Jello. Next on the horizon I'll have cataracts done.

Guest, that's terrible about your co-workers wife. I cannot imagine the poor man's grief.

Thanks to all. I’m sure that T is reeling from shock. His wife was unwell from flu but hated doctors. She was older than him, but he loved her dearly. I’ve offered any help I can. They have no kids.

Ahh, guest you hear about people dying from the flu, but I have never heard an actual story. The flu shot is only 10% effective this year. California is really hit hard by it. Here so far, is worse than usual. News tonight said the height of flu season is in February. Stay healthy all and just become obsessed with washing hands. H3N2 this year if I remember the news correctly.

Ali, I have not worked in food service since high school. I lost so much weight just got sick of seeing and smelling food, that last thing I wanted to do was eat. Hope the job works well for you. Oh, and one of those food jobs was a candy store, ugh! But mom sure enjoyed their caramel corn!😉

Becky, part way done. I need to find a doc and dentist here.

Golden, hope you are doing ok and staying warm.

Sharyn, good to work with boundaries in place. Do those chips your way.

Been too lazy to type at night. But Ming and I have been reading.😽

Wow, Guest. And then I do recall the 1918 flu epidemic and while I forget all the details, I know a lot of people died.

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Tough day. Things started off ok and due to unexpected things coming up (and the new job, I'm sure is playing into it, of course, of course) I was having chest pains from anxiety by noon. Tough day but it's over and I'm home. It's my monthly cycle time now, too, and that sometimes makes me agitated. I did deep breathing at work today. It's been some time since I needed to do that but glad I have that tool at the ready anytime. :-)

Take care, guys. 'Night. 

Glad, just saw your post.  I can see myself getting a little weary of food, at least while on the job.  In high school, I worked in a coffee store selling 20-some kinds of coffee beans/grind and all the flavored beans (frangelico, amaretto, vanilla, irish cream, barf barf barf lol).  I was completely grossed out by the smell of sweet coffee by time I'd worked there a month.  Blech.   Ming sounds so cute and cuddly, I'm glad you have her.  

Yes, Ming is great and quite a beautiful cat! She was so sick and skinny when I got her and she has bounced back great. She is starting to look a bit pudgy, diet may be needed. Or maybe a job in food service would take care of her.😝

Glad, I'm envious of you for having Ming. I would love to have a Siamese cat. However, I can't think it would be a good thing given the little dogs PJ and the boys have - two Maltese and a tiny toy Beagle.

I had a little pain from my teeth during the night. Happy that it's over and done. Have to go back for check up next week and they will clip all the little stitches. I decided I looked like a cat fish with the little black strings. I'm on liquids for a week and then soft diet for a week. Then every six month gum check and cleaning. It's been a long and expensive process, but one that was seriously needed.

Pam is holding her own. She is losing a little weight. Breathing difficulties, fatigue and pain. She is still able to go to the bathroom by herself, shower with help from the nurse. She is frustrated by being so tired all the time. She has always been very active - hiking and gardening. Definitely not able to do those things. I drop in two or three times a day. Jay is there every day. PJ goes periodically - mostly if she asks for him. Our DIL stops by with her baby. Holly is Pam's favorite visitor. She enjoys holding her so much. Social worker, counselor and others from her apartment complex stop by too. She has so much grief from losing her husband last summer and her mother last year. That is difficult for her. She really likes her nurse. She is very personable, but professional. Tomorrow will be the first day of work for the other nurse. Hope she is just as good.

Everyone have a good day. I'm staying in today. PJ is doing my caregiver groups for me.

Hi All, I need some advice, not sure what to do yet. I was on the phone with my Mother, for 4 hours on Sunday, and around 4 hours yesterday. Talking about her dysfunctional, difficult relationship with my Brother. I was also texting him too, and he only gave me a few answers to my questions and suggestions. I am wondering if I should consult with an Elder Law Attorney, which I would have to pay for, and I am not even the one who is directly involved with their problems. My Brother has POA and my Mother had his name added to her Checking and Savings Account. She had been told that the person who was living the closest to her should be appointed POA. That would be my Brother. He is the relative who lives nearby, but he is not the one who cares the most about her, and has her emotional and physical well-being as the top-priority. So, my Brother gets a copy of the joint bank account statements, and he can see where all of my Mother's money is being spent. She gets $1,200.00 per month of Social Security, and her monthly bills add up to around $1,300.00 or more. This includes all the house hold bills, her food, and her eye meds. She was getting the difference from her renter, who finally moved out, because he could no longer pay his rent. But that is another long story. So, he has moved out, and when he had steady work, he could pay his rent which was $700.00 per month. My Mother had a pretty good sum saved up in her Savings account, which she had not planned to touch, since she wanted to leave it to my and my Brother, to be divided up. It was around $120,000.00. So, then along came our 2nd Cousin who is in her early 60's, and her Mother had died in 2011. She is now helping my Mother out, as I mentioned before, grocery shopping, driving her to the bank, and picking up he meds, and taking her to Doc. appointments, all because she likes my Mother, and she had lived nearby. Her Mother and my Mother were first Cousins, and her Mother lived to be 94 years old. My Mother is now 93, and her Mother - my Grandmother - lived to be 96 years old. So there is longevity in the Family, BUT, with living that long comes all of the medical problems. My Mother gives our Cousin some money for taking her out. So now, my Brother is trying to control what my Mother does with her money, and he even told her not to send her 2 Great Nieces any money for Xmas. My Mother also gave her younger Grandson, who is going to get married this summer, a Xmas Gift of $500.00. My Brother saw him open his Xmas Card, and when he saw how much my Mother was giving, he told his son (my Mother's Grandson) not to accept the check. My Mother was now aware of this. Yesterday, she found the check in her dresser drawer where she keeps her bottles of eye drops. She could not believe her eyes. She told me that after she gave the check to her Grandson on Christmas, later that day, he did give her a little lecture that she needs to keep her money for herself and that she gave him too much. He said that giving around $200.00 "was the Norm". My Mother was furious, because she said it all depends on the person who is giving the money. If they want to give $25.00 then that is the "Norm" for that person. So my Brother has been telling her to keep our Cousin away, and not to call her for any help. The good news, is that my Mother is going to try out some help from the Elder Care agency tomorrow, they will come for 2 hours. The whole situation is a mess. I told my brother to sit down and have a real conversation with my Mother and discuss plans for the house. My Mother says that she can't do that, because he is so impossible to talk to, and he does not listen to her at all. She is planning to go to the bank, and wants to take his name off of the accounts. Sometimes, I can't really tell who is telling me the Truth, and who is telling me "Stories". Back in the summer, my Mother told me a crazy story about what happened to her window air conditioner. It did not make any sense. My Brother also makes up many false stories. He told me that my Mother is paying our Cousins rent with her savings, which I found out is not true. He is tries to turn me against the people who help my Mother. So, I don't know who to believe.
My Mother is now dipping into her savings and it is dwindling down, since she does have the renter. My Brother was supposed to fix up the 2 empty apartments and get them rented out. He has had 8 years since our Father died, and he has done very little. I told him that I want no part of the house. It will be a great burden to me. He will want to be the boss, and will want to make all of the decisions about the house, and he will never listen to my ideas. So, I told him that he can have the house all to himself. However, yesterday he texted me and said why don't you come over on Saturday and help me work on the house. He claims that he spent $3,000 on renting big dumpsters, and my Mother said he did have them in the driveway, several times. He and his younger son have cleaned out a lot of old junk from the basement and the garage. I told him that I can't help him with that king of heavy lifting. I can't believe he would ask me to do that. I reminded him that our Mother has always told my that "it is up to your Brother on what to do with the house." I told him that I was really hurt by what she said. So, my question is: should I ask an Elder Law Attorney for advice on how to help my Mother with the money situation, or should I just leave her to deal with it herself. Sometimes she seems so helpless, but then when I make suggestions, she just does not listen to me. Thanks All.

Hi again, hope this makes some sense, I was typing so fast, and sorry for such a long story, and all of the spelling errors.

EastEagle, to summarize - mom's income doesn't cover her expenses, so POA brother is telling her to watch her spending. Mom is po'ed about being told what to do with her own money, but isn't your brother just being a responsible POA?
And it sounds like he is - slowly and reluctantly - working on the house, even spending $$ on it. Why do you feel you need a lawyer?

East, it sounds like your brother is worried about Medicaid and the five year lookback. That would explain the concerns about giving other people money without receipts to cover it. Your mother's savings could easily disappear with home care if she pays privately or in a nursing home. If he is doing house repairs, that could use up money quickly as well if he is using her funds to do it. Your mother plays you against your brother - I would just stay out of the money issue and realize that whatever you do will be wrong. People pick a person to trust, and that is who you have to leave responsible.

East, your poor brother does have a pretty thankless job on his hands, I sometimes think.

Last things first: his invitation to you to come and participate in the clearing process. Uncharitable interpretation: he was being sarcastic. Charitable interpretation: he thinks there might be bits and pieces there you could use or would like to have, and he's happy for you to see what he's up to - all above board. Could be a little bit of both, of course...

Your mother has (had, anyway) $120,000 in savings. Her current monthly overspend is $100. All things being equal, she will run out of money in 1,200 months = 100 years.

But your brother has correctly warned that things never do remain equal. One, she has got a bit cavalier about her savings account. Two, he is narrowing his eyes and growling softly at certain relatives who suddenly seem to be visiting a lot more. Three, with inevitable increasing frailty, her medical and care costs are very likely to rise.

Actually, he has mainly handled this well and been responded to well. The young man did hand the cheque back graciously, and did tell his grandmother what was current standard practice for *wedding* gifts - it's just a pity that your mother misconstrued what he was saying and took offence. I'm sure if Brother were to have a discreet word with the female cousins they would also be more circumspect about accepting gifts and treats from your mother. It doesn't look to me as if your family is infested with vipers, just as if your brother is concerned to make sure your mother doesn't start throwing piles of bills into the air and is sending out warning messages.

Your mother doesn't like being told what to do with her money, doesn't like being patronised by young people, doesn't like people sticking their noses into her business. Who does? So she is in a grump about it and I don't blame her. But there is nothing untoward going on.

So what should you do about it? Ab-so-lute-ly nothing. Except pop along and take a supportive interest in the clearing and building work, if you've a mind to.

I've read the posts about the flu. My great-uncle was 20 years old when left college in WV to join the Army in WWI. He was the oldest of 8 children. He grew up on a family farm in WV and wanted to be a doctor. In college he had a background in lab science. In the Army he was a lab assistant at a base in Texas. He wrote home to his sisters every week. In 1918 the family got a telegram that he was seriously ill. Two of his younger brothers took the train to San Antonio, TX to check on him. When they got there, he had already died from the flu. The Army wouldn't allow his body to be returned to WV because of contagion. His brothers brought back his personal effects in his small Army trunk. In 1938 his mother had his body returned to WV for burial. I have his trunk with his wire rim glasses. I also have letters he wrote to his mother and sisters. Really sad. I always get my flu shot.

sharyn - ignoring those kind of people helps. If possible avoiding them is even better.

duck - psalm 37 is a very good one for your situation. I have read it a lot at times.

guest - that is shocking and very sad. I can't imagine what your coworker is going through. You do so well at keeping boundaries and I know that came from necessity.

becky - I am glad you are through that part of the implant procedure without much trouble. I have only had three implants - 2 at one time and one at another time. I didn't have much pain at all. I expect you will be happy with the results. It is such a relief to get it done I am sure. Cataracts are nothing compared to implants. What a lot going on with that, and with Pam, and arranging care for her. Sounds like she is doing as well as can be expected. (((((hugs)))) to you all for being there for her. So lovely that she can visit with Holly. Sad about your great uncle. I hope you are taking it easy for a few days to help with healing.

glad - I am staying inside and warm. I went out yesterday and when I was out of the car wanted to use my cell phone and it died in the spot. Shocked by the cold, no doubt. Both car remotes have died too. Ming is so fortunate that you adopted her. I would love a Siamese too.

east - I agree with the others. Just let it be. Your mother is getting some help. You are getting stories from both your bro and your mother. You don't know what is true, but they have to work it out. Go and help when he will inherit the house??? I don't think so. I am not as optimistic as cm, and think he wants free labour. I don't think there is anything to see a lawyer about.

That 1918 flu was dreadful. My father's dad died due to it. They said you could hear him coughing down the block. I didn't get the flu shot this year, and looks like I didn't miss much. Dd got sick after she got it, as did R, though not as badly as she did. I did get the flu, but it was not the worse I have had, and I have my own immunity to that bug now.

Slept through the night last night, which is rare and wonderful. Don't know if it is due to the increased resveratrol, or the decreased Luvox, or both. Sleepy today, but other than that and a touchy gut, things are good. I started a new protein shake and will stop that for a few days to check out if that is affecting my gut. We are in another major arctic freeze, but only for a few days thankfully. As R says, at least we don't have to worry about mudslides.

Looks like the ghost images are less than they were. Yay!!! Answers to prayer.

Golden, I had the new 4 on 1 implants. Much easier. They can actually extract all teeth, place the anchoring which has 4 little caps, snap on the whole sections of teeth, sew shut and done. I opted to do extractions ahead, except for front teeth separately. A little soreness, but that's it. I would recommend for anyone except for cost. Our dental insurance paid about 65% or I wouldn't have been able to afford.

Becky, good luck with healing. Glad that's over for you.

Golden, happy that your eyes seem to be improving. I understand about electronics dying due to extreme cold, but I've only experienced it once recently a couple years ago and it was darn near the worst night of my life when my car electronic window became stuck in down position when I was an hour away from home, middle of the night, -10º and who knows what windchill was, phone wouldn't charge because car charger wouldn't work and I had no GPS to navigate. So when you mention that your electronics are kaput due to cold, I think that is............ MISERABLY COLD. lol Bundle up and stay warm.

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Yesterday during the day and after leaving work around 6-7pm, my head, jaw, and throat on right side of my head throbbed and hurt viciously. It was relentless. I've been using a sock of warmed rice as a heating pad on my face for a week now, and it does help a lot. But why SOOOO bad?? It was horrible. I don't know why so bad. Does the stress come first and then the pain? I know I'm not sleeping well, but I still sleep more than most people, but I do wonder if the stress AND the pain are due to bad sleep, so then I'm not recuperating well when I sleep. I'm not sure where to start chasing this problem that severely messes with my quality of life. I don't have to figure it out TODAY, it's enough to start a new job and get in the flow of things there (going well enough, btw), but it's demoralizing and just incredibly uncomfortable at times. I get up in the morning with no sign that I'm going to be miserable that day (unless I wake up with the head/jaw ache, which has happened, and oh my word that is awful).  It feels unstable, it scares me and just makes anxiety all that much worse because I could swear I must have a brain tumor when the pressure on my eye feels so bad that my vision is messed up ! geesh ! And of course I don't think I have a brain tumor because this is a chronic condition for me. But when it's acting up, it's just overwhelming the pain. "Migraines" have been brought up before, but if that's what they are, they don't mirror anyone else's migraines that I know of. I hope things calm down and I'm looking forward to trying some new approaches with new doctor. I see her again this Friday.

Onwards and upwards. I feel better today, thank goodness, but... even 1 day a week like yesterday is too much. It's too painful, it's too demoralizing. I can't tell what is happening more often, or what is the first/root symptom or cause, because they all go together -- anxiety attack symptoms and the headache/TMJ symptoms and bad sleep.   Then I had nightmares last night even though I took a Valium before I went to bed.   What the heck.  The nightmares reminded me of the recent issues with adrenaline surges, due to cortisol rising during the day.  

I think I'm describing a stress disorder.  It's not news to me that I have a stress disorder, it's just strange how it acts up differently on different days/nights.  

Wah. :-/ I think I'll continue to shake things out and get improvement on everything, it just can't come fast enough for me. -_-

Golden, thanks. Ignoring is best I agree.
Becky, heal quickly. You have a lot going on with teeth, Pam and the center. It is great you there for Pam.
Ali, sorry you dealing with such pain. I had a pain one night at work a few years ago that radiated from my left ear down under my tongue and in my throat. I attributed it to TMJ. So far it has not happened again. It started suddenly and stopped suddenly.

Went out with dd today. She upgraded her cell phone. She pays her portion of the bill ( she is on our plan. Hubs has complained about it since I added her, insisting dd was not paying. I have asked her 2 time over the last 2 years. Hubs asked her once. After I got back home I mentioned to hubs that dd upgraded her phone. It set him off again. I told him let’s go to the cell provider and talk with them (I was tired of the subject). To my surprise, there is no record of dd paying. S has has it set up to pay automatically each month. Dd got scammed by a fake website.  

Sharyn, do you mean that DD signed up to give automatic payments to a fake website, not the real cell provider, so she has been paying to a scammer??? I've never heard of this but sounds like something that could happen in our modern world.

The pain you described sounds familiar. Mine starts up behind my right eye/temple, then down through jaw and throat glands. Before 8-10 weeks ago, I didn't have TMJ pain and now I have it daily in varying degrees. This has been a pattern (if random symptoms can be a pattern lol) where something new starts up out of seemingly nowhere, lasts for a few weeks, months, or years, comes and goes in intensity daily.

Dd Hadith set up on a prepaid card from Scentsy. Her pay is deposited on this card. She only left the amount for the phone bill on it. The phone number associated with it is identified as a scam on google.

Ali, do you grind your teeth in your sleep? Have you noticed if your jaw clicks when you open your mouth? Your dentist may be of help for TMJ.

Sharyn, it doesn't click but it does spasm/twinge in pain once in awhile when I open or bite down. I don't think I'm grinding in my sleep because with rare exception, I don't wake up with the pain, it onsets through the day and gets worse in evenings. Thank you! I've been thinking about what to do. So far the plan is to put hot rice bag treatment on that side at night and that is helping.

Dysfunctional families are tough for sure. Makes the care of the elderly loved one far more difficult. Imagine having a sibling who is in denial that your parent does NOT have dementia and believes (and encourages) everything they say.

Ali, might you have cracked a tooth that only reacts to pressure?

Guest, thanks for suggestion, the pain source is so far up in where my jawbone connects, and I've had all my wisdom teeth out, so no teeth there. It's some version of TMJ but is stress related... which is a thing, according to Google. People apparently get TMJ pain that is stress related. That would make sense for what this is. It goes with everything else -- the nightmares, the bad sleep, etc. Thanks. :-)

Essomd. Been there. It is just that their denial protects them from guilt.

There is dysfunctional and then there is DYSFUNCTIONAL! Let me just say that there is a lot of love and warmth in my family, and my parents did the best they could, given their limitations. My mother suffered from schizophrenia since I was a small child and was hospitalized several times but treatment was unsuccessful for many reasons (not very good medications etc.). When my brother also had a psychotic break at 16, that brought other stressors to the family. Now the youngest has had so many injuries at work, and is on such a high dose of painkillers, he's angry and separated from everyone, and now at my father's imminent death, he has decided to get in touch with his anger and stop speaking to him. My father has been the most functional, and he has done an amazing job by taking care of my mother and other brother (who is medicated, but on SSI and with an IQ of 80). I will be left to somehow care for two people who do not drive, can barely use the phone, and have come to expect a standard of living that will not continue for them, as my father (bless his heart) has treated them like children, buying them whatever they want, instead of saving for retirement. Combined income for them is 2800.00 per month. They moved to Nevada to be near the brother that is now not speaking to them. All extended family is on the east coast, and my parents never kept up any close contact with them, so I have no family support, as my cousins and I are really more like acquaintances than family.

Everyone talks about social services, but if you really have to start dealing with social security and housing for the aging, there are very few good resources, long waiting lists, and more referral services than services. My friends suggest hiring someone to watch them, but I don't make that kind of money, having chosen to work in the social service industry myself, and I know first hand how fragmented the services are and overloaded the system is, always working on shoestring budgets.

I live in a 2 bed one bath condo and I could move them in here, but that means someone gets the living room, or I share with my mother. While I have come to understand her, she has an "episode" every morning in which she becomes angry, yells and goes into her paranoid delusions and looks for a fight. I moved away at 19 to save my sanity, and have had to keep visits with them structured, as it pulls on my stress levels in a way that is old and compelling.

So, I watch my other dysfunctional family friends who get lawyers to fight over their parents millions and fight over who took the antique furniture from the living room, and I feel so disheartened. I have friends who are supportive, and conflicting advice about cutting my losses and leaving them to the state or being a good daughter and moving them in temporarily.

Thank you for letting me vent

Gina
You're in a difficult situation to be sure
There are many folks here who can offer some guidance but it doesn't sound like you can very well move 3 people in with you and still have any ability to function so I hope you can find the aid and assistance needed to help

Welcome Gina, Vent away. We all know about dysfunction, although on different levels. You are in a very difficult situation. I don't know the answers for your situation. Do either your mother or brother have a case worker you could speak with about a solution. Occasionally, they know about programs that perhaps could help. You are right social services are on tight budgets.

Gina, I've thought about your situation. Does your brother who has job injuries have Worker's Comp? Is he in touch with Bureau of Rehabilitation? In some cases he could receive payment and assistance with housing thru Bureau of Rehab. They can cooridinate all facets of his life to get him to living independently. For the brother who has IQ 80; does he receive assistance through Department of Developmental Disabilities. They provide services for those over 18 to obtain independent or group living to assist with them becoming less reliant on family members. Your Mom could possibly be assisted by Bureau of Mental Health. I know programs may have waiting lists. But it might be beneficial to get on the waiting lists. Even if they can't help immediately. Maybe in the future.

becky - glad it is working for you. I will keep as many of mine as I can, Many are crowned. They only teeth I have that have never needed any work are the lower incisors. I think they will be there for the duration.

ali - I have a weak cell phone battery and it died instantly on exposure. I am planning on getting a new phone, but it has been to cold to go out other than for essentials. I need to take my remotes in to the dealer and see what they can do for me. Hope you get to the bottom of this facial pain. That's nasty!

sharyn - you have to be so careful of scams these days. The wrong click...

essomed -yeah, BTDT too. "Mother is fine. She just has a few little emotional problems." when mother has had lifelong borderline personality disorder and was developing vascular dementia. It sure doesn't help does it. And yes to the encouraging her to not take her meds and to move into a cheaper less suitable facility. Aaaargh!!!

Gina - what a lot you have to deal with!!! I hardly think that all of them in your place is going to work! I don't think the alternatives mean you are not being a good daughter! Becky has given you good ideas. Surely there are service/group homes for people with your bros' problems. I don't see how you can possibly take them in. If you were to be hit by a bus, someone would find places for them. ((((((hugs))))) and good luck and let us know how you make out.

Very cold here again but warming up the next few days. I either ate something off, or had a little return of that flu, or am having withdrawal symptoms from the half dose. In any case, the end result is a touchy tummy and fatigue. It is passing off and I am hoping to get a little more energy back for a trip south again soon to do business there. The weather is quite a bit warmer there right now too. We have decided that the bus is the best as there was black ice and several semi accidents last trip R made, and that can happen anytime in the winter. Better safe than sorry. It may be a bigger deal getting a cab from here to the bus depot.

Take care all!