The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I am dealing with four advanced-age adults who are all in varying degrees of dementia or cognitive decline/poor decision-making, and all of whom have a lengthy history of substance abuse of one kind or another as well as all being varying flavors of narcissistic egotists. Two of them are my parents, the other two are their spouse-oids (one a 3rd husband of my mother, the other the long-time girlfriend of my father.) I've been in recovery for 30 years myself, and have also gotten help with my history of codependency due to growing up with a couple of self-centered, angry, controlling alcoholics. The bottom line is that I find myself completely embroiled and confused and miserable when I am around these deeply dysfunctional people and I honestly want very little to do with them. I am infinitely more content and calm the less I have to do with them. They are all crazy-makers, unable to tell the truth unless it serves them, manipulative, cagey, materialistic and self-serving. As far as my parents are concerned, I feel that I have an obligation to 'help' them as best I can, but I do not want to participate in their craziness. My mother is so far gone into her Alzheimers (after years of being particularly nasty to me and my children, her grandchildren) that she is the least of it now. She can no longer drink because she's forgotten she wants it, which is an improvement. She fell and broke her hip, drunk, a few years ago, which accelerated her dementia decline. Her husband was running a nightly 'party' in their 80's - lots of wine for her and, cannabis and some wine for him. She married this freeloading 3rd husband who is a long-term pothead and arrogant narcissist, and who she defers to, and whose personality is now changing and filter going - he is becoming nastier and nastier himself, especially to me, who he views as 'competition' or fears because I have legal control over my mother's affairs. I try to minimize contact with him, give him a long financial leash, for the moment, and not cross him as best I can, and give my mother lots of hugs when I do see her, since I don't think she will be around that long, or even if she lasts awhile, she may get to the point where she no longer knows me. If she could see herself now she would be so appalled. The 3rd husband weaseled in and married her when she was already beginning to be demented, in order to get on the dole and be supported. My irrational father has had two strokes and is now drinking again, with his medication, which his M.D. said he should not, and recently overflowed a toilet in his house and will not listen to me when I try to talk to him about hiring a sewage cleanup company for the mess. (I'm working on that!) He also lives like a slob/hoarder and thinks his house is normal. He is stubborn and irrational, and does not particularly want to discuss solutions, but prefers to change the subject to his girlfriend who will not get out of bed due to her depression, pill abuse and alcoholism. He believes she is the main problem, of course, and cannot look at himself. I have acceptance of my parent's dementia/cognitive decline, but less for the fact that their behavior is a continuation of a lifetime run on self-will and the belief they are superior to others. I cannot help feeling that all these people bear responsibility for the self-destructive choices they have made in their lives and continue to make, for their arrogant and dishonest ways of dealing with themselves and others and their continuing substance abuse. To try to solve these people's problems when they do not want them solved, is a fool's errand. Still, I feel some obligation to try to help my parents not to end up in abjectly awful circumstances. I do not feel much obligation toward the dysfunctional spouse-oids, though I did have to call 911 the last time the girlfriend attempted suicide by pills. If this all sounds completely nuts, well, yes, it is. Friends have told me there's a screenplay in it, but I don't think it would be entertaining! I am hoping to make some progress on getting my father's house cleaned up and hiring a cleaner to keep it up somewhat if he can be convinced in some way to allow this. Of course my father resists any functional plans, in general. My husband reminds me often that a huge part of the problem in trying to help them is they do not want help. I would say they do not want any constructive help, they just want to continue their unhealthy lifestyles and try to juice me for service, service toward further irrationality. Every time I spend much time around them I am drained afterwards and it can take me days to get centered again. Much as I love my parents, I cannot take their consequences for them. They are apparently going to have to decline and die as they have lived, in denial, anger and blame of others. When I read caregiver forums I see so many people, usually women, but some men, just completely burnt out. I feel I have given so much of my lifeblood, if you will, to my crazy parents in this lifetime, that I am just not willing to engage much more at this point. I have spent an immense amount of energy redirecting my life toward a more positive lifestyle, I don't want to be embroiled in the 'old ways' or be around it. Of course it pushes my buttons and when around them I can lapse back into normalizing their behavior even while I know it is sick - it's just so overwhelming to be around it. When I try to accomplish anything constructive with them, there is so much resistance I can feel my blood pressure go up due to frustration at the stubborn self-destructive insanity. I realized then I must back away, leave them to their consequences and 'let go and let God' as the say in 12 step, or I will end up being the one with a stroke. I refuse to let them kill me. I love them, but I owe myself better than their lifestyle and values. I need to take care of myself first. I have young adult children, and sometimes I fear becoming as crazy as my parents and inflicting myself on them in the same way in my old age, but I have made different choices in my life than my parents, gotten sober, go to meditation weekly and practice recovery, so I can only hope. Interestingly, while I was deeply depressed and self-destructive at the ages my children are now, my own young adult children are overall, cheerful, competent and functional, so I like to think my recovery was operative in providing a much less unhealthy upbringing for them - not perfect, but not horribly dysfunctional. Again, I don't judge my parents for their dementia, which is not their fault, but I do need to remember their sick personalities and anti-spiritualism pre-date their mental condition, and that's what I need to be cautious around. There's no real solution it seems, just trying to cultivate calm and detachment from the insanity is my goal. It's hard to maintain new behaviors and not relapse into old patterns with them and not be enmeshed, but it's worth the continuous effort to try, repeatedly.

I would call Adult Protective Services and have done with the crazy. Especially with regard to the sewage.

I am dealing with four advanced-age adults who are all in varying degrees of dementia or cognitive decline/poor decision-making, and all of whom have a lengthy history of substance abuse of one kind or another as well as all being varying flavors of narcissistic egotists. Two of them are my parents, the other two are their spouse-oids (one a 3rd husband of my mother, the other the long-time girlfriend of my father.) I've been in recovery for 30 years myself, and have also gotten help with my history of codependency due to growing up with a couple of self-centered, angry, controlling alcoholics. The bottom line is that I find myself completely embroiled and confused and miserable when I am around these deeply dysfunctional people and I honestly want very little to do with them. I am infinitely more content and calm the less I have to do with them. They are all crazy-makers, unable to tell the truth unless it serves them, manipulative, cagey, materialistic and self-serving. As far as my parents are concerned, I feel that I have an obligation to 'help' them as best I can, but I do not want to participate in their craziness. My mother is so far gone into her Alzheimers (after years of being particularly nasty to me and my children, her grandchildren) that she is the least of it now. She can no longer drink because she's forgotten she wants it, which is an improvement. She fell and broke her hip, drunk, a few years ago, which accelerated her dementia decline. Her husband was running a nightly 'party' in their 80's - lots of wine for her and, cannabis and some wine for him. She married this freeloading 3rd husband who is a long-term pothead and arrogant narcissist, and who she defers to, and whose personality is now changing and filter going - he is becoming nastier and nastier himself, especially to me, who he views as 'competition' or fears because I have legal control over my mother's affairs. I try to minimize contact with him, give him a long financial leash, for the moment, and not cross him as best I can, and give my mother lots of hugs when I do see her, since I don't think she will be around that long, or even if she lasts awhile, she may get to the point where she no longer knows me. If she could see herself now she would be so appalled. The 3rd husband weaseled in and married her when she was already in early dementia and reeling from the death of her 2nd husband, in order to get on the dole and be supported. My irrational father has had two strokes and is now drinking again, with his medication, which his M.D. said he should not, and recently overflowed a toilet in his house and will not listen to me when I try to talk to him about hiring a sewage cleanup company for the mess. (I'm working on that!) He also lives like a slob/hoarder and thinks his house is normal. He is stubborn and irrational, and does not particularly want to discuss solutions, but prefers to change the subject to his girlfriend who lives across town and will not get out of bed for weeks due to her depression, pill abuse and alcoholism. He believes she is his main problem, of course, and cannot look at himself. I have acceptance of my parent's dementia/cognitive decline, but less for the fact that their behavior is a continuation of a lifetime run on self-will and the belief they are intellectually superior to others. I cannot help feeling that all these people bear responsibility for the self-destructive choices they have made in their lives and continue to make, for their arrogant and dishonest ways of dealing with themselves and others and their continuing substance abuse. To try to solve these people's problems when they do not want them solved, is a fool's errand. Still, I feel a duty to try to help my parents not to end up in abjectly awful circumstances. I do not feel much obligation toward the dysfunctional spouse-oids, though I did have to call 911 the last time the girlfriend attempted suicide by pills. If this all sounds completely nuts, well, yes, it is. Friends have told me there's a screenplay in it, but I don't think it would be entertaining. There are many crazy details I am not even mentioning. I'm hoping to make some progress on getting my father's house cleaned up and hiring a cleaner to keep it up somewhat if he can be convinced in some way to allow this. Of course my father resists any functional plans, in general. My husband reminds me often that a huge part of the problem in trying to help them is they do not want help. I would say they do not want any constructive help, they just want to continue their unhealthy lifestyles and try to juice me for service, service toward further irrationality and be angry and dismissive if their demands are not met. Every time I spend much time around them I am drained afterwards and it can take me days to get centered again. Much as I love my parents, I cannot take their consequences for them. They are apparently going to have to decline and die as they have lived, in denial, anger and blame of others. When I read caregiver forums I see so many people, usually women, but some men, just completely burnt out. I feel I have given so much of my lifeblood, if you will, to my crazy parents in this lifetime, that I am just not willing to engage much more at this point. I have spent an immense amount of energy redirecting my life toward a more positive lifestyle, I don't want to be embroiled in the 'old ways' or be around it. Of course it pushes my buttons and when around them I can lapse back into normalizing their behavior even while I know it is sick - it's just so overwhelming to be around it, my circuits get kind of blown. When I try to accomplish anything constructive with them, there is so much resistance I can feel my blood pressure go up due to frustration at the stubborn self-destructive insanity. I realized then I must back away, leave them to their consequences and 'let go and let God' as the say in 12 step, or I will end up being the one with a stroke. I refuse to let them kill me. I love them, but I owe myself better than their lifestyle and values. I need to take care of myself first. I have young adult children, and sometimes I fear becoming as crazy as my parents and inflicting myself on them in the same way in my old age, but I have made different choices in my life than my parents, gotten sober, go to meditation weekly and practice recovery, so I can only hope. Interestingly, while I was deeply depressed and self-destructive at the ages my children are now, my own young adult children are overall, cheerful, competent and functional, so I like to think my recovery was operative in providing a much less unhealthy upbringing for them - not perfect, but not horribly dysfunctional. Again, I don't judge my parents for their dementia, which is not their fault, but I do need to remember their sick personalities and anti-spiritualism pre-date their mental condition, and that's what I need to be cautious around. There's no real solution it seems, just trying to cultivate calm and detachment from the insanity is my goal. It's hard to maintain new behaviors and not relapse into old patterns with them and not be enmeshed, but it's worth the continuous effort to try, repeatedly.

Middleseat. I can only congratulate you on your resolve and the progress you have made in your own life.
As far as Dad is concerned my advice will be to call in adult protective services because a house full of sewage is an unsafe environment for anyone to be living in. Other than that the only thing you can do is just stay away . There is really absolutely nothing you can do. They have made their beds and have to lie in them till the inevitable crisis happens.
You may feel an obligation because they are your parents. Whether you love them or not is a separate issue.
The truth is unless they are declared legally incompetent there is nothing anyone can do if they refuse help.
Your mother and hubby # 3 is a different issue. I assume you already have POA for her. This does give you some power to keep her safe. Clearly moving her into your home is not and should never be an option. You owe it to your own family to stay off the road Mom has followed. you have to maintain your own mental and physical health.
Do you have siblings who can help you in some of the decision making that will be comming up?
it sounds as though Mom needs to be removed from her current living condition unless hubby is actually taking good care of her and not being abusive in any form and she is in a safe environment. It sounds as though she needs to be in some kind of supervised living situation. That of course would curtails hubby sponging off Mom because it sounds as though he is not able to support himself and any money or income Mom has will have to go towards her care and or Medicaid application made.
This is a very complex situation you are dealing with and some professional help is needed. Get advice from an eldercare attorney and see if Adult Protective Services in your area has social workers available. Step dad can be as nasty towards you as he likes but as long as he is not physically threatening there is little he can do. Go visit Mom and just ignore him. That's hard but you owe him nothing.
Make very sure Mom is not being physically abused. Check her regularly for bruises etc and don't be shy about calling the police.
If there is any sign of injury take her to the ER and tell them of your suspicions. Don't listen to her if she lies to Drs and nurses. Make sure she keeps regular appointments with her Primary Dr and alert him/her of any concerns before the appointment. You can either write him/her about your concerns or call the office and speak to the Dr's nurse and ask her to pass on your concerns.
I am sure many other AC members will have additional advice for you. This is a very caring community and you will find a lot of support here.

madge - how is your mum and the mystery lump? Hope the antibiotics are dealing with it.

becky -that's what I thought. The 8 is too fancy for me. Woah, that's a lot of grading. Bet the graduate classes are nicer. Glad you have an assistant. Hope Pam has a good visit with family. Sounds like she is holding up well now. Bunch of bakers. eh? Bet the boys love that.

dori - glad your (and mum's) doc is concerned about you too. She may have some good suggestions for the future. Anything you can do for you is good. I think being more centered around your own place will help. ((((hugs))))

sharyn - that is so sad about the young family and the fire. Insurance cos are cooperative sometimes, and sometimes not. I hope they are this time. The good news is that no one was hurt.

middle - what a story!!! and what great success extricating yourself from it and getting healthy and bringing up healthy kids. You have two very unhealthy situations to deal with, and I gather your main concern, other than for yourself, is for your mum, and the lack of sanitation at your dads. Also, as her POA, you are concerned about abuse of your mother's finances, but have a degree of control over it.

In my view, Barb and Veronica have given good advice . I think APS would act on your dad's situation. I sense you are somewhat reluctant to upset the applecart for your mum. You and your own family have to be a priority, and you have to be careful, when dealing with so much "crazy", not to get sucked in.

Is there any chance your mother will need medicaid, and the money your step dad is using could jeopardize that? Might be worth checking that out. Otherwise boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, and being very realistic about your priorities. I would have a concern about your step dad's nastiness coming out at your mum. That is abusive. She is a vulnerable senior and may need protection. Your local Agency for Aging and Social Services may have some resources/ideas for you. The more you can get others to deal with these people the better for you and your family. Then you can be a daughter to your mum in her declining days, and keep your sanity. "They are apparently going to have to decline and die as they have lived, in denial, anger and blame of others." Yes that is probably true and you can't change it. I have a mother with borderline personality disorder, who now has vascular dementia, and my father was alcoholic and developed vascular dementia. What helped was getting the right professionals and facilities for them. Let us know how things pan out. ((((((hugs)))))

Golden, Pam is holding up, but the visitor's are a little tiring. I stopped by this afternoon to see if anyone needed anything. The nurse answered the door and said they were all having a nap. I looked in - one cousin on the sofa, one in the recliner, my aunt was in the spare bedroom and Pam in her room. I guess they were all tired. I left them a note to call. A couple of hours later they called and wanted to know if I would pick up their take out order. When I got there with the food, they were all quilting. Pam has a quilt in her big quilting frame she has been working on. My cousin who is almost blind can quilt which I find amazing. Her mother or sister starts her on a straight line and tells her when she getting close to the end. Her stitches are tiny and perfect. I sat down and quilted for a little bit, but I am definitely not in their league. I noticed they had me work on a section at the bottom.

Golden, Your right it's a LOT of grading. They have to have a weekly reading/writing assignment, plus a term paper due at the end of the semester.

I've worked on filing Pam's first long term care claim. Claims for nurses have to be done as soon as I pay the weekly bill to the agency. Didn't seem complicated. I followed the instructions and scanned in a copy of the bill and payment check. Have to wait and see what happens next. The claim instructions say they will issue payment within 10 days of receipt.

Middle, I think Veronica gave you A1 advise. I understand the frustration of trying to help and do things that really need to be done and get thwarted and dismissed. Was my ordeal also and when the dementia made itself clear the chaos in the house got worse and takes a toll.

I think you should really focus on you and your health and your family. Its hard, there is the guilt trip we have been subtly brainwashed with by narcissistic parent/s. So we get caught up in a revolving circle of emotional strain and stress trying to do what we know is right and trying not to let the past uglies aned pain make us bitter. Basically the same issues we have had but on the shots the atheletes take.

I wish you the best n this journey. You are in the right place there is a wealth of experience and wisdom here. It has helped me find my way and keep my sanity. Keep venting.

Dori, glad you treating your self good. New hair cut sounds good. I just bought a short wig. I been having hard time buying the one I have been wearing for years its out of stock but it will be months before I get it. Its a lot of hair. I bought others and didnt like (LOng) so I had tried a short one, which I get for my mother and I thought I really looked cute even younger LOL. good luck with the cut.
Remember the song "Downtown" things wil get better when youre downtown!. I feel you about feeling like you are that same little girl.

Becky, I am so glad that you are surrounded by loving supportive people and you all seem to have the same vive. I think it so lovely spending calm bonding quite time with Pam and the family.
Ali, I am begining to feel like my melatonin has stopped working for me. Your post on whats for dinner sounded lovely. Turkey wings are the best , when I had oven on I cooked baby turkey wings every week. In high school my father would call and tell me to take the wings out put them in the oven with some cream of chicken soup a little salt/pepper and put them on low. He had like an 1.5 hour drive home. I fell in love with cooking them. Hope all is going well with new job and new place. You are a trooper.

Golden, Your advice about the highroad kept ringing in my head the past few days. Especially when I find that my son's military picture was taken down off the wall also and graduation pictures of me him and my mother that were in frames. I wanted to go on a rampage just noticed them yesterday. What I realize is that my mother has taken all the pictures off tv, shelves etc. and packed in shopping cart. Like a entire family and friend history exhibit. I guess my twisted figured I took them. My mother doesnt bother the things on the walls. I just noticed they were gone. Its frustrating because this is how my childhood was. Im feeling that same pent up frustration at how she got away with so much wrong without correction. Once I broke the toilet throwing some object back at my sister. I threw it back so hard it broke the toilet . Lucky I missed her. Then now Im scared I will get in trouble. I dont even remeber anything being said about it. She just got away with every thing and here I am 57years old still dealing with something that was never adresssed. How do you retaliate. That high road is a tough road to follow. I cant wait for therapy. The other venting is that things like this picture thing take a toll on my mental even though I dont notice. It wears me down. I got off tues morn and I just felt burnt. I couldnt deal with my mother and avoided going downstairs. I did this when she was more lucid and rancid. I normally just answer questions with fake answers and just go along and laugh and so on but I felt tight tues so I stayed upstairs and then I felt guilty and then I thought about AC and that it was okay to do me. Wednesday I came down and cooked and found the pidture issue. I threw out some junk from the carts and did a little damage control. The dog had peed up the hallway then do do'd the usual. I think its so unfair my twisted does not lift a finger down there. And my mother has started unpluggin the fridge again. Not to mention it has become a mess a gain. My cousin came by I told him he left a mess here. He took the casserole dish totake his food home. I can hardly find any of my pots or pans I use anywhere. and I need certain flat ones to use in the Coven. I made ribs and bbq wings they were delicious. I am burning out, feeling guilty, feeling frustrated, and I am not accomplishing small goals and I dont care and then I beat myself up.
I havent heard further about therpy I am still waiting. Dreamt I spoke with the phone conselor and she was telling me They would basically actually pay most of it. Its two different programs under the department of aging.

I cannot say enough, how much being in this forum has help me. I have learned so much about aging, life, myself, psych. Im not on line and I try to keep up. But the exchange means so much and helps me.

I feel like a the little girl I was. I see there are so many things that I have to relearn. I withheld my natural instincts because i would get in trouble or do something crazy. Thats a whole other story. But I realize that I am wide open to be bated that I need to let go of a lot of things and stope giving power to the nasty ugly things. When I was younger I turned to God. I would tell my self what would Jesus do or what would God want me to do as I played my role as cindrella. I didnt have anyone to say that it was wrong, I dont now. Im not going to take it anymore I just have to learn how?????

middleseat - wow, that sounds like a bit of a nightmare. Ugh. Sounds like you are keeping your s*** together reasonably well, though. I agree with the advice to call APS and let them deal with your dad. Veronica has some really good advice about your mom, too.

Sharyn - that's so sad about the fire, and with a new baby! Hope your neighbours are managing ok now. GoFundMes are awesome.

golden - I actually have been thinking about going to talk to the doc about mom for awhile now, before I was even staying here. But with our doctor shortage, she's always sooooo busy (5500 patients!). So I'm glad she is the one who brought it up. I'll pop in next week and arrange an appointment.

Becky - That IS amazing about your cousin's sewing skills! We had a family friend when I was younger, who was also blind, who did the most intricate and amazing macrame. I guess maybe one's fingers must become super sensitive when one can't see?

Duck - that wig sounds awesome! I always go through these stages where I long for short hair, but I don't think it would suit me at all. And that song, Downtown! I love it! I learned to play it a few years ago! Our business association pays musicians to perform live music on the streets downtown, during summer....so I learned at as kind of my "love song" to our lovely little downtown, lol. I especially love the part of the song that builds up and "lifts" right before the chorus....it's very fun to sing! "The lights are much brighter there....you can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares....and go DOWN-TOWN!"

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Edit:  I should've split this post in 2 - it's so long!
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You guys, I am SO excited about going home tomorrow evening! My spirits are lifting already. Even the cats are picking up on my energy and are being more lovey-dovey than usual. I can't wait for my kitten to spend a night or two in our REAL home! He's only even seen it once, when I was visiting my subletting friend.

I've prepared a bunch of snacks for mom that she can just pull out of the fridge and eat - though she'll probably just keep eating Ritz crackers. Whatever. I've done my due diligence! I'll do some shopping tomorrow while mom's at dialysis, because there will be nothing to eat at my apartment. I also belatedly remembered to pack up the alcohol....I hardly ever drink!  Basically 2 bottles of wine and a bottle of medicinal Jagermeister (the singer's friend).  I'm not taking it to drink, but with mom's dementia....the last thing I want is for her to find the booze and start drinking after 30 years of sobriety!

Seven months. I can't believe I've been away from my home for 7 months. I spent 3 weeks in Ottawa for work once, and I thought I was going to lose my mind. Of course, that was partly because I was away from my beloved city and my beautiful province, too, which is part of what I consider "home." But honestly, it's been sooooo bloody hard not being in my safe little apartment for this long. It's probably 3/4 of the resentment I feel for my mother right now.

Mom doesn't really get it. When I told her, she said, "What, are you sick of being around me already?" I called her out on trying to make me feel guilty about this. And I said, "When have you EVER been away from your own home for 7 months?" Silence. I realized she's never even given it a second thought, what it must be like for me to not be in my own home....she, of all people, who resists even overnight hospital stays because she'd rather be home! Grrr. She said she was trying to make a joke, but it's not the first time she's implied I don't want to be around her.  Which, ok, it's partly true, but largely because I don't want to be around ANY human being 24/7. I'm unmarried and childless at 49 for a REASON. 

(Edit:  also one time when I said I missed home, she expressed real surprised, in a way that suggested, "How could you possibly miss that little dump when you get to be here, in this classy new, modern building?"  An attitude which I still resent.  Also it's not a dump, it's just older, like 1960s.  Also, HI, I live on the RIVER.  Surrounded by, you know, NATURE.  Trees and bushes and grass, song birds, woodpeckers, ducks, geese, beavers, chirping crickets, tiny little bats, jumping fish, fishing eagles....I'll take that any day over your ugly shopping mall view and traffic noise!) 

Anyway. This feels like a great big Christmas present to myself. Fingers crossed that mom manages ok on her own, or it'll be a long time before I'll get to stay at home again.....

Meddle/don't meddle?

Ugh. Help, please! Been chewing my nails all morning and I'm no further forward.

J is in her late eighties. Love her to bits, she's a colourful lady and a hoot and was a good neighbour to us as far as she was able.

She married her third husband in 2010 or so. She battled through a dreadful hip replacement, roundly blaming the surgeons for it (she didn't have any bone to speak of. She must have been a nightmare for them), and recovered well enough to be mobile with a walking frame. In c. 2015 her chronic heart disease took a downturn, with chest infections and loss of heart function, but she was still very much with us. Her husband was her primary caregiver, with good support from visiting nurses; but he was pretty resistant to any other help, refused to stop driving in spite of accidents and J's concerns and neighbours' concerns, and nobody was very confident that he was really coping. Died just before Christmas of leukaemia before he could kill anyone, though. I'd moved away in 2016 and didn't feel welcome (on his part) when I visited or called.

Daughter stepped in and placed J in temporary care, no real option but to do that, fair enough; but the care home wasn't up to the job and J has landed in hospital. Is now doing well. Daughter has found a NH place nearer her own home, plans to sell J's house, make the move permanent.

I've contacted the Office of the Public Guardian requesting a register search. In a week or two, they will let me know whether or not Daughter has Enduring Power of Attorney for her mother, what sort, and if it's been registered (which would mean that J is considered legally incompetent).

But J is in hospital *now*, and care plans are being developed *now*, and I don't think Daughter is getting things quite right.

I'm completely sympathetic to Daughter. Wouldn't we all be? Your mother hates you, she's making wild accusations, she's also making credible accusations, and all you're trying to do is make her life manageable for everyone and keep her safe.

There are three children. Golden boy M is in Australia, rumoured to be planning to visit. Baby daughter L has multiple sclerosis (the put you in a wheelchair type) and is therefore, fair enough, protected and cosseted somewhat. That leaves Daughter D to be the practical one, the worker, who also has to make the hard decisions and take the flak for it. Would you blame her if D had sometimes boiled over about this and said things she'd probably like to take back? I wouldn't. But it does mean that J's claims of verbal abuse are uncomfortably credible.

J's claim that she discovered 3rd husband and D in bed together... not so credible. Neither is her belief that the non-hip replacement leg hurts because she got hit by shrapnel in the NH. But I think that might have more to do with a separate concern, that J's pain relief isn't being monitored. Her kidney function suffered in the NH, poorly kidneys mean codeine isn't metabolised right, if she's on the same px... Somebody needs to *ask*.

D. is pushing a vascular dementia diagnosis. I expect it would be a great relief to her if that could be blamed for everything. It could even be that her EPA depends on it. I would be surprised if J didn't have *some* vascular dementia; but I really don't think it's that simple.

I emailed an update to D including that J is having some kind of mild visual hallucinations - she mistook the curtain hooks for medication dispensers, asked me to pass her a small green handbag that wasn't there, that kind of thing. No biggie, just wants checking out. D replied that her mother wouldn't wear her glasses. Er... I don't think she's quite getting this.

And I don't know if D is aware of what J is telling people. Or how, in the wrong ears, this could rebound on her.

D. is a capable, business-like woman. Capable people don't like asking for help, or admitting that there are things they don't know about. They certainly don't like, who does, confiding in strangers that they feel like a five year old whose mother blames them for everything.

I spoke to a lovely lady on an advice line. She said I should call Social Services and ask them to check that all is as it should be.

Yes? No?

Ugh, CM I would meddle carefully and tactfully. Tell social services that the situation is new without making daughter a target of their review. Just a visit for welfare reasons, assessment, safety? That is what I would do, I think.

Good approach. Could they ensure adequate advocacy, that kind of thing. Thank you Glad.

I would think so. And hopefully it would help to educate the daughter.

Dori, I hope your visit to your home turns out exactly as you want. Your apartments sounds great. I can relate to not being in your own space. I got married last summer and moved into my husband's home. My house is at a lake and wasn't large enough. For the last 5 months it's been under construction with 2 new additions. It's finished now. My brother has moved into his section. We're starting the process to move out of PJ's house. Cleaning out 30 years of junk. I'm used to being out away from town - quiet, trees, the lake. Town, cars aren't my thing.

I picked up the family and dropped them at Pam's. She was up and dressed. They were going to go to the dining room for their breakfast. We asked if she wanted us to call down and have delivered, but she said no she wanted to go down. The respiratory therapist had given her a breathing treatment which always helps. Sometimes I get too overprotective. But, mostly I try to let her do what she feels like doing. Her nurses are working out well. They keep very good records of what they have done and her status.

Today PJ and I are working on cleaning out more of the "stuff". He went to the town dump at 7:00 and is loading up for another run. One of his sons is supposed to come clean out some of his things in the attic. I'm going to work on his daughter's things. He says all of her toys will still be in the boxes. He said they used to buy her girl toys, but she only played with her brothers sports equipment. I mentioned that to my son. He laughed and said "yep, she beat the sh-- out of me with a hockey stick when I called her "Too Tall" in 10th grade". Cleaning out her things will be hard on PJ.

Everyone have a nice day.

Bugger.

Droning girl on the line at Adult Safeguarding said I'd need to go through the hospital team.

Yeah, that would make sense. Except that the hospital's "Safeguarding Team", I suspect, is the lady who sits next to my volunteer co-ordinator in the office next to the main reception desk. And I think she already thinks I'm quite noisy.

Awkward.

Could fill in a form and drop it off anonymously, though...

Might do that instead.

CM, I'd suggest anonymous form. Remember how you felt about your sister and her "expert" observations and criticism? I'm sure you would hate to have had some of the pithy observations that overwhelm us all recorded and repeated. Maybe if you reach out to Daughter with the "I've been in your shoes with mother fighting help - please let me know if there's help I could give or questions - we know how busy hospitals are" so you don't end up with your concerns preventing future visits to J. Remember Jude's mother and her telling all her friends etc. about how evil Jude was caring for her and the abuse she suffered? At least the Daughter is involved to some degree in trying to get it figured out and not the Golden MIA son....

Not only that, Guest, I'd take back at least half of what I must have said to my mother under stress! But if I'm going to speak up now I'd rather put my name to it. Should be confidential anyway, but if it does come out I'd rather Daughter yelled at me than tied herself in knots suspecting all and sundry. A question is not an accusation. I'm just asking.

I did say exactly that to Daughter - remember only too well how stressful and thankless this can be, do let me know, Mum is clearly jumbling some recollections (sounds better than "I know you weren't sleeping with your stepdad," I thought). In her shoes I expect I would want everyone to sod off out of the way and just let me get my mother locked up. I wouldn't blame her for a second.

Golden Boy was over for a long visit, two or three months, with his wife, a few years back. J couldn't wait to see the back of them after a couple of weeks! - but oh doesn't absence make the heart grow fonder, not to mention his having nothing to do with insisting on care J doesn't want to need.

Some progress this afternoon, after I'd dithered for another two hours. The hospital safeguarding team isn't in the same office - phew! - and one of them is going to pop up to the ward and do a medication check. Brilliant, just what I'd hoped.

With luck that might lead to J's mental state improving, or at least being better understood, so that her more terrifying accusations stop and anything she's still unhappy about can be handled much more easily and calmly. The hospital team advised me that financial abuse and verbal/emotional abuse concerns have to go back - groan - to the main social services team. So I'll see what if anything is new by Monday, and hold my horses 'til then.

Now back to fond recollections of how I pinched mother's arm, pushed her over on concrete steps, hated her cuddly penguin (I did, actually. What about it?) and left her alone and unfed in an unlit room for days on end.

CM, I understand, I truly do. This is someone you know at a hospital that you volunteer at (yes?). You remember how much you would have welcomed assistance when dealing with your mom...sometimes....on some stuff. From the outside, how helpful were your siblings, remember? Social services will check into the financial and other stuff now that it's been noted. Medication check will happen. Yes, the delusions continue and I'd bet Daughter knows exactly what's going on. But if the paperwork needed isn't in place, making her out to be looney won't help D get J situated.

Not quite, Guest; she was my over-the-road neighbour for seven years. She is now in the same hospital I volunteer at but it's only a coincidence, I don't know anyone working on her ward. Thank goodness!

Daughter hasn't previously been much involved in her care - I'm sure not through choice, I'm not blaming her for any of this. How can you take care of someone if she doesn't want you to and her husband backs her up? But all the same, it's a steep learning curve and it worries me that she doesn't seem to realise that. E.g. if she really has taken £60K out of her mother's bank account and didn't realise she could be asked to account for it all... what if it's too late and she can't, exactly?

Could leave some helpful leaflets about various subjects lying casually about..?

What got up my nose was my SIL contradicting not just me, but the GP, the cardiologists, the psychiatric team... all on the basis of her experience as a community dietitian but without ever going to the trouble of reading mother's notes or asking any questions. She had a theory about being "too close" to the situation. I know ignorance is bliss and all that but I'm not sure it's the very best approach to medical care... I hope this isn't quite the same!

Me, too. I meant to say former neighbor now in hospital you volunteer at. It's also possible the money WAS taken out of the bank for end of life expenses for 3rd husband who passed away near Christmas or to pay debts of parent who's in hospital right now. You are a good person who is trying to help Daughter, but remember that anything you do may leave you "monkey in the middle". Yikes~!

Oh gosh yes. Funeral expenses (though I think he had his own cover, but she'll still have held the wake, done the flowers, bought an outfit, hired cars etc etc ), not to mention the respite care at ?£1K a week, plus to-ing and fro-ing 50 miles each way that D is perfectly entitled to claim back, care needs assessments, deposits at the next NH, removal expenses, God knows what-all. You can rip through that amount so fast it makes your eyes water.

I hope J's medication has been checked, it's been adjusted as far as it can be, everything's been done and signed off. I hope D has registered her POA(s) and taken legal advice and filed every single piece of paper. Good! No problem, then.

I'm not accusing, I'm asking. Because if nobody ever asks, what's to stop abuse?

becky - so glad Pam is holding up. I know it is tiring for her to have visitors. Quilting takes skill and not one that I have learned. I did do a little trapunto many years ago and very enjoyed that. Great that your cousin can still do it. You will be going cross eyed with all the marking. Even back in the day we had a card reader system for grading multiple choice, but diagrams and written answers had to be done individually. Hope the LTC claim goes through smoothly. I suspect the move will take quite some work. I hope the "deer in the headlights guys" man up and do their thing. I am with you -trees, critters, quiet, no traffic and preferable some water.

duck - the point about taking the high road is that you don't retaliate. You can't control your sis's behaviour or your mum's - only your own. I think you are a better person than they are, so don't sink to their level and relaliate. Yes, these things wear you down, so you have to find some things that build you up. If you need to stay in your room for some peace, do that. Your sis is responsible for your mum's safety, you are not. Let the guilt go. Do some good things for you - whatever they are. You are entitled to treat yourself and look after yourself, even in the midst of chaos and maybe it is more important then. Don't rely on booze too much. Find things, even small and inexpensive things that make you feel good. You got yourself a new wig and you look younger -Great!!! Way to go! Do more like that for you! And reading scripture is always good. God wants us to love others as we love ourselves, Often we have to earn to love ourselves first.

dori - so happy for your excitement at going home. Your mum has Alz so don't expect her to understand you too much. I love the description of where your place is - trees, critters, on a river -sounds like heaven to me. I want to wake up to birds singing... I am an introvert too, so I know that being alone is what you need.

cm - I agree, tread very lightly. Not that you ever said anything to your mother that you wished you could have taken back. I am sure we all have. You have quoted a number of perceptions by J, which are undoubtedly off, If 60K is missing, you can't fix it. It will probably come out in the wash, Mother had many accusations at one stage, much money missing which I later found out she had withdrawn and then redeposited later. I am sure she told people I was abusive - not so, but...

Weather is holding decently these days. Now if I could get some energy to go out and do things. I am making up for that by tackling mothers paperwork. I want it in pristine shape and that is going to take some doing, but I have made a good start. Then there is filing the yet ongoing insurance claim - the dispute. And making sure we have all our ducks in a row for the soda incident. We are also starting to accumulate paper re real estate transactions. Way too much paperwork for me!

I have decided to make a raspberry coulis for the almond butter, pumpkin brownies and top that with a dollop of whipped cream for R. I think he will like it. A sprinkle of chopped walnuts would be good too.

Duck, If you truly want to move forward with a happy life, let the past go. You will never be able to achieve your goals, large or small, if you constantly replay incidents from the past. You can't change those events. You cannot make your sister into someone else. And you cannot remake your mother into the mother you wish you had and have a loving relationship. If you want to take the high road, let go of thoughts of retaliation. It will just bring you down. It will not do anything to them. I understand that you can't move from the house, but you can get out of the house on days off. Go to the library. Join a book club or Bible study. Look for a support group at a community center or church. Your Mom gave your sister medical POA for whatever reason. It was her choice. Your sister is responsible for her care and safety. Unless you feel your mother is so endangered that you need to call APS or that you need to get an attorney to seek guardianship, let your mother's care fall to your sister. That is who your mother chose. You need to back off from your mother and sister and think of yourself. You have to make yourself happy, no one else or no other relationship can make you happy. Just you can do that. Take care of yourself first and leave your Mom and sister out of that equation.

Wise words, Becky!

Went to see my aunt, cousins and Pam. They leave to go back to Texas in the morning. Very sad parting for all. Acknowledgement that it's the last time they will see each other. Jay was there and he was noticeably upset as well. Very difficult to watch. Hard for me to say goodbye to them at their hotel. But, I'm glad they came for Pam. It meant everything to her.

Kudos to PJ. He worked all day on cleaning the garage. He took 8 loads of stuff to the town dump. Plus he let some people come by and pick up some things. Boys carried down a lot from the attic. I had one of the girls unload some cabinets in the dining room. Built-ins that were packed full. Glassware that came from his ex-wife's family in Indiana. She left it all when she left 30 years ago. PJ said he kept it because he thought some of her kids might want it, but that never happened. I hope we can keep the momentum going. One good day out of what needs to be 20 days of cleaning.

DDDuck, take down all of your photos that you have sentimental values. Actually, take all your personal stuff that you have sentimental values. Hide them securely in your bedroom. Yes, I know it's your bedroom. But that wouldn't stop someone from going through it. Unless you have a lock and automatically lock it when you leave the house.

If they see you all the time on the internet, I would also automatically sign out of here every time you put down your device (mobile, tablet, laptop...) If I was unscrupulous, I would be dying to see what your doing. Then, when I know this website, I'll just sign up and see what you're 'blabbing' to the world about us. I'll use this as ammunition towards you.

I think you also need to have a hobby. Something that will give you a peace of mind. Of course, when I first found this site, I was hooked on it for hours. It basically pushed out my joy of reading books. I still kept buying books on sales but I never had time to read it - because I was always here online. I did hang on to the very few favorite authors that I love to re-read their series. Lighthearted mysteries with lots of humor and paranormal occurrences (of course!)

CM, I didn't know about the dangers of spending my dad's money and needing to keep receipts until I found this site. Whew! Scared me silly that I was bordering paranoia about being accused of elder abuse. I met a prison guard who came in for flight info. Despite his friendly demeanor, I was scared of him and didn't know why. If that's the kind of person working as prison guard, I wouldn't want to be a prisoner. He looks so friendly but the vibes I was getting .. {shudder}. So, after finding out about 'document, document, document' from AC, I was gungho into keeping all the receipts. Not only that, I scanned it and printed it.

I have no advise if you should or not inject yourself into this. It's darn if you and darn if you don't. Maybe flip a coin. While it's flipping, what are you hoping the answer be? Head for yes? or Tail for no? If you aren't wishing for it by the time it lands, then go with the flip. But if it shows Head, and deep down you were hoping it was Tail, then there's your answer. Tails... I hope that wasn't confusing...

CM, do you have the kind of relationship with the daughter to be able to ask if she's getting legal advice on how to go about all this properly? That you've heard that at times the technicalities of how and when monies get spent can be mind boggling?

Winter storm warning! HUrray! I have been waiting two years for this. How I have missed the snow storms. Must get out for latte this morning then store for chili fixings! 👏

I'm working on it, Barb! We did have a good shredding session on Wednesday over J's late husband, without actually speaking ill of the dead or upsetting J herself. Goodness, T really was a bit of a liability, at best. But that's the kind of minefield issue that's around: I know J was worried about her will five or so years ago, because she asked me how she could make sure T didn't get the house but could still live in it after she died (ironic, no?) - wouldn't have been remotely difficult to do, I told her to go to her *own* solicitor; but I got the impression that T was pressurising her to make mirror wills. To be really blunt, I think he fancied getting his paws on the house. That'll larn him!

I know D also wants to find a good firm to sell the house, plus deep-cleaners, removers, possibly auctioneers and valuers, and having been through all this two years ago I can certainly tell her who to avoid locally! The house is a modern bungalow, not my thing at all, but big and well-built and its value should keep J ticking over nicely for some time.

Holding out a hand was why I sent her an update email, and I admit I was a bit disappointed that her response was so guarded. The poor woman is probably short of time and stressed out anyway, I'll keep waving. But also we do just all have to make our own mistakes, don't we? I know that too. If she thinks I've been meddling, or it comes to her ears that I actually have been (not very much!), I'll just suck it up. I'm not doing it for thanks or fun.

Book I'm glad it's not just me who changes the rules if I don't like the coin-toss! That was pretty much what I was doing all afternoon yesterday :) Then I saw this line on the social services' reporting page, in bold: "It is abuse even if it is unintentional."

That, and the thought that they might cheerfully go ahead with J's mental capacity assessment without first checking that she's not off her face on opiates.