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Glad, Enjoy the storm!
(2)
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I went to check on Pam this morning. Her breathing is very bad. I called respiratory therapist and she came and did breathing treatment which helped some. She said she had had some bad coughing during the night, but no bleeding. Jay was here overnight. He said he heard her once and it wasn't bad. He said he had to help her once to walk into the bathroom. She is very weak today, but can still get up and walk with a little assistance. She ate a few bites of oatmeal and drank a little apple juice. I called her nurse to come in early. She will be here at 10. Both of her nurses have said they are willing to work 12 hour shifts, so I called the hospital and made that change. I may have to add an overnight nurse if Jay is afraid something will happen that he doesn't know how to handle. He's not afraid of much, unlike me who is afraid of everything. I'm good at a lot of things in life, but hands-on caregiving isn't one of them. I admire those who can greatly. They are the heroes in this part of caregiving.
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Duck, I agree with Becky. In my early twenty’s, I realized my mother would always see me as irresponsible and would not accept the person I am. I moved forward with my life and kept firm boundaries with my parents.

I work with a 21 year old man who has lived a very sheltered life. His parents will not let go, continue to control his life and decisions. As a result, he spent s his free time gaming on line, hates his job and wants to try to be a voice actor. His parents do not approve so he stay in a job he doesn’t want to do forever. He can’t grow up because of his family. Another twist of how parents can stunt their children into adulthood.

CM, following through with inquiries re your neighbor is good. Just be careful as I know you are and will be.

Becky, I hope Pam is breathing better. She is probably wore out from visits, necessary goodbyes are so hard on everyone. You are a great organizer and facilitator for her. Glad you are there.

Glad, enjoy the snow! We are only getting rain now. I was hoping for more snow.
(7)
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Sharyn, Thank you for the kind thoughts. Unfortunately, she has gotten worse again and is coughing up blood. The hospice nurse came. She gave her an extra dose of her cough/bronchitis med.  she is also ordering oxygen for her. They should deliver tomorrow morning. Her back pain was escalating so the nurse gave her a pain med and instructions for further dosing. Jay and I both are going to spend the night. Monday I am going to add a night nurse. She hasn't eaten since morning, but is taking a small amount of liquids. I've helped her to the bathroom a couple of times. I feel so helpless with her.
(7)
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Becky
Hope Pam can rest a bit - you and Jay are her Angels
(6)
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Becky - cleaning out things from family that has passed will be hard on pj. It sounds like he is tackling it. Good for him Very sad for your aunt and cousins and Pam. There is no easy way through something like this. I am sorry Pam is suffering right now, but glad you have great help for her . I expect she is worn out from the visiting, yet it would have been very good for her morale. ((((hugs)))) you are doing a great deal for her, all that is possible...

book - a hobby is a good idea for duck.

cm - "It is abuse even if it is unintentional."That kind of tweaks the conscience doesn't it. What do they say? "Ignorance is bliss." I guess you have to go with where your mind and heart takes you. I applaud you for caring.

glad - yay for you - a snow storm. Here they come all too often.

sharyn -You made a good decision for yourself. Parents do affect us very negatively sometimes. Very sad about that young man. I hope he breaks away from their control.

madge  - how is the Viking? Hope the antibiotics are helping.

Had a little recurrence of that flu, but not bad, thankfully. Husband of a cousin of R's died. Funeral was yesterday in the same chapel as his parents, and he felt it, but is doing well. The man was younger than me, and not that much older than R. Makes you realise you better get onto your bucket list, as you are becoming the older generation. He has one uncle left (much younger than R's dad) and I, of course, have mother.

Have a good night everyone.
(7)
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Hi all! Just a quick check in from home....my home! Whee!

Becky, I'm sorry Pam is doing so poorly. Sending lots of healing energy your/her way.

Well, my girlcat, who has lived here 11 years of her life, was/is ECSTATIC to be home. She's spent the last 28 hours re-claiming all her old napping spots.  And the boykitten spent all last evening sniffing so many things I thought he might pop! Lol. I just sat around and relaxed last night. Slept about 11 hours, which is surprising 'cause my old bed is so lumpy (I forgot!), and woke to my lovely golden southern light (mom faces east - not the same!).  Maybe I slept so long just 'cause it's so durned quiet here. 

Went over to mom's and everything was FINE. Thank goodness. Except she was confused about what day it was, and was a bit lonely - not just for me, but also for the cats. I took her a box of Timbits, gave her her meds, made her a cup of tea and a snack tray, and set her up with Anne (of Green Gables - the new one) on Netflix. Stayed just over an hour and promised that all 3 of us would be back tomorrow evening.

Been re-watching The Handmaid's Tale since I got back from mom's. I am still on Sudafed under doc's orders, so I took some of that lovely red wine and made beef stroganoff tonight. All just for me!  My friend left my kitchen so clean and shiny, it's hard to even believe he's a man sometimes! Lol, that's sexist, I know. But honestly....even the burner rings on the stove are gleaming! Plus....I think that Sudafed might finally be working! I felt a little pop in my ear a couple of hours ago, anyway.

Lumpy bed and all, I really needed this. And with any luck, I can spend my weekends at home more often. For awhile anyway.

Hope you all have a good night!
(6)
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Golden, J did her level best to make friends with my mother. She made the effort to come and see her, she bothered about her birthdays, she made interesting conversation, she sent flowers and garden produce, she sympathised but didn't patronise. And she wasn't a heck of a lot younger, and she wasn't very much less ill or in much less pain.

Least I can do, really.
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Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb, Dorianne - the spotless kitchen, hmmm... is your friend gay?
(5)
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Or, Dori, maybe he hired a woman to clean?

Storm is just beginning. Five to ten inches by this afternoon is forecast. Now it is like sleet, the roads will be a mess until snow covers them. But then the ice beneath. I am still in bed, actually slept eight hours last night. I NEVER do that, feels good. Feeling lazy watching news and weather. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow! Chili fixins later. Mmmmm.
(5)
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Glad, we are also in winter advisory for snow 3-6 inches here in the valley and up to 9 inches in the mountains.

Been around too many sick people, woke up with sore throat, ugh! At least I have early shift today.
(5)
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There's no scientific basis to this, Sharyn, but my doctor aunt always used to bombard herself with massive doses of Vitamin C at the first hint of a cold and claimed it worked; and I've followed her advice; and... it doesn't do any harm, anyway :) Hope you can shake this off, hugs.
(4)
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CM, I do the same, EmergenC for me. And I still get sick, but does not seem to last as long or as severe compared to the times before I started doing it.
(6)
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Pam asked to go the hospital this morning at 4:00. Her Hospice nurse is hospital affiliated. She was admitted to a Hospice bed. They are keeping her comfortable. Even with oxygen her breathing is very rough. She is sleeping now. IV hydration and IV pain meds. Jay went home to shower, clean up and eat. So here I sit not sure what one is supposed to do.
(10)
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Thanks CM! Will give it a try.

Becky just being there is a lot.
(5)
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"They also serve who only stand and wait," Becky. What a good friend you are. Take care of you too.
(7)
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Becky,
Echo.
"They also serve who only stand and wait."
The poem: They also serve who only stand and wait definition. The last line of the poem “On His Blindness,” by John Milton. The poet reflects that he has a place in God's world despite his disability. The New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy, Third Edition. Copyright © 2005 by Houghton Mifflin Company.

Thank you for standing by your friend.
(5)
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I was looking a photo from when I first saw Pam. She is my first cousin on my dad's side. When she was an infant her mother was injured in a tornado. Her dad had to work. Dad drove to Cleveland picked her up. They set up her crib in my bedroom. I was 5 years old. She was such a cute baby. I sat and watched her all the time. She stayed with us for 6 months until my aunt recovered.  Now here I am sitting and watching her sleep again.
(11)
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Ahh, Becky
Cousins are our first friends

Is there a recliner in the hospital room for you ? Will you have the private aides come on Sunday to give you some respite today?
(4)
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Yes her private duty RN's are here. Along with Hospice nurses on duty. Yes there a recliner and a cot. The waiting room is very nice if I want a change of scenery. I feel like a family member should be here with her and so does Jay. I called her friend Sue and told her what was going on. She is going to come as soon as she can get a flight. I think it will be early Tuesday. PJ is on his way. He's going to bring me some dinner and sit for awhile. He wants to talk to the doctor who comes at 3 to see if he needs to call the priest.
(6)
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((((((becky))))) This is a hard time. All you can do is be there as you are. Look after you too. A family member with her all the time sounds right. You all are doing the right things. There is no easy way through this. Prayers for peace for all.
(8)
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A small issue but representative of bigger problems: older bro calls me up, wants to know about my dad's missing power cord and pedal for his electronic keyboard. I know this has been an issue for at least 9 months, I've advised my mother and my dad how to get a replacement. The issue for my dad seems to be that they're missing at all. Well, sorry, there was a sewage flood in basement and during the long and difficult clean up, things were thrown out while dad took a vacation at my bro's house. I didn't mean to throw out anything useful but it may have happened. So today my bro is asking me, and I INSTANTLY volunteer to get replacement pedal and power cord for the keyboard because somehow I feel this is my responsibility to get everything A-OK for my dad.  

After looking online and seeing these replacement parts are abundantly available and cheap, I'm wondering why I would ever be the one ordering them to ship to my dad's place. Bro or mom should do it. I can't return the items if they don't work. And why am I volunteering so fast?? So I threw that ball back to bro's court and said he should order the items. Bro says ok.

There is no problem, only that I continue to not see how others are available and can do these things, too. It's not just me that can care for things and I need to remove myself from the equation of my dad's care wherever possible.  I only make things more complicated.  Bro just wanted to know what I knew about the missing parts.  I told him.  Now bro can order some as he sees fit, or dad can continue to go without.  
(5)
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Hang tight Ali - Bro can take care of it.
(3)
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But Ali, you DID see that! what a victory for you!

You started to jump to "fix", but you realized, not "just in time", but after thinking it over, that this is NOT your job to fix stuff. Wow, great progress!!!!!!

Becky; I'm so saddened reading your posts. I hope that Pam is pain free and at peace when it's her time. Consider playing favorite music for her while she sleeps, softly.
(4)
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I remembered a book I read years ago, when thinking about various dysfunctional families here the other day.

Treetops, by Susan Cheever is a biography of her mother's family. (Her dad was John Cheever, the famous mid-century American writer).

Her mom's family--her grandfather, grandmother and most of her aunts and uncles were physicians. Her Grandfather was the dean of the Yale Medical School, for goodness sake.

One of her uncles "rebelled" and became an engineer. He was considered an outcast and the black sheep of the family. When he would occasionally come by the family compound during the summer months, he was referred to as "poor Uncle Tom" and roundly shunned by his father and siblings.

Many years later, Susan discovered that "poor Uncle Tom" was Tom Watson, a brilliant PhD engineer, associated with Bell Labs. He was the grandson of "Watson, come here, I want you" who was Alexander Graham Bell's engineering assistant. He followed THAT grandfather's footsteps in becoming an engineer, but was always treated by his family as an "idiot" because he was a doctor of engineering, not of medicine.

In dysfunctional families, children are not celebrated for their talents and their achievements; they are put into niches at an early age and kept there.

We all need to remember that our families do NOT define who we are. That's up to us.
(12)
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Barb, Jay and I talked about music. Pam has a lifelong love of head banger hard rock/heavy metal. Not hardly Hospice music. I've got a nature sounds machine. I'll take it with me when I go back. Pam woke up a little bit. She talked very clearly with PJ. She asked for some white rice and mint tea. He said she ate a few bites and drank a good bit of tea. Jay and the new nurse are staying overnight.
(5)
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Becky sending hugs and may you get some rest. You are doing great by Pam.

Barb, great words well said “ our families do not define who we are”.

Rough day, one person called in sick. Luckily we got a replacement to cover the shift or I would have had to work 11 hours. I sure wasn’t up for that. Resting now taking cough medicine, have good night.
(5)
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dori -great and a good night's sleep!!! Hope you and the felines can spend a lot of time there.

cm - J sounds like a good person. Hope she is getting the best of care. Re Vit C - Linus Pauling???

glad - 8 hours sleep!!! That's a treat. Storms are fine when you don't have to go out.

becky - you bonded with Pam when you both were very young. it was fortunate she had you then, and it is fortunate she has you now. Nature music sounds good.

ali - very well caught!!! That's progress!!! I have found myself thinking that way a few times, but managed to nip my "generosity" in the bud before any words or actions ensued.

barb - so true. We are assigned roles and kept there. It is the family's loss and ours too if we do not follow our hearts.

The other day I was reading that post exertional fatigue in CFS/FM is not only muscular, but also applies to brain activity. The past few days I have been feeling sharp, organizing mother's papers, and multitasking (not physically) at various things quite well, and enjoying it. This morning I woke up feeling rotten, and could not even identify it further till the afternoon. Then I realised I was feeling like I had been hit by a bus, I was aching, and I had brain fog. I think it was post exertional brain type fatigue. It means I have to pace my mental activities as well as the physical ones. I guess I knew that at some level, but this really demonstrated to me that it is not only physical activity that must be paced. I turned off the tv, relaxed, took my muscle meds, had a hot bath. and am feeling better. Tomorrow needs to be a very quiet day.

The good news is that I can now read the shampoo bottle, well the larger print anyway, without my glasses. I guess that is a degree of success for the cataract surgery. We will see how my distance vision is when I get my new glasses. I still have ghost images.

On the horizon - dental cleaning, microblading my eyebrows and tattooing eyeliner, after the trip to E'ton early Feb. We are going to visit the funeral home where my son's funeral service was, and start with prep for mother's. I know it may be a few years early, but I would like to get some things in place to make it easier at the time. She was there and liked it, so I am content with that choice.

Take care all and be good to you.
(6)
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(((((Becky))))) Big hugs to you. I smiled when you said Pam is a lifelong headbanger....so am I, lol! There are some nifty String Quartet tributes to a lot of hard rock/metal bands that Pam might appreciate, and would work well in a hospice setting - if you have time to put some on a CD, or even play them on a cell phone or laptop for her.

Here is a full Tribute to Queen album: youtube.com/watch?v=1mQxkXbzggI

Here is the tribute to my own favourite band, Iron Maiden: youtube.com/watch?v=oMeL6IDJCvU&list=PLc_fcqskD_rCHYDcpIRmqQY5NUYn9K75y

You can quickly convert YouTube videos to mp3 tracks (audio-only versions, for putting on CDs, flash drives, or electronic devices) here: onlinevideoconverter.com/mp3-converter

Just paste the YouTube link into the field at the top of the page, click "Start," and then when it's finished converting, click "Download."

I mean, you could probably order any of that stuff, but I don't know how long it would take to get to you.  This is quick and free. 

I don't know what Pam's favourite artists are, but if you go to YouTube and type in "String Quartet Tribute" you will see a huge list of different rock and pop tributes. You can even try by band name by typing in "String Quartet Tribute (band name)".

My bandmates and I often discuss how really good heavy metal/hard rock/progressive music is actually just electrified classical music!

Edit - this Queen tribute by the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra is even better, though not as soft as the quartet stuff:  youtube.com/watch?v=4g4UZOedczs

And one to Pink Floyd:  youtube.com/watch?v=IBGeex66_t8

If you're interested, hit me up on private message with a list of artists she likes and I can look them up for you and send you the links.  I could spend all day on YouTube!  It's my personal Bermuda Triangle.....
(5)
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CM - my friend is not gay, but I'd say he's not quite straight either.   Bit hard to pin down, that one!

glad - my friend actually rented my spare room for a year, maybe 7 years ago? And I can verify that he is just really good and thorough at cleaning! I didn't have to lift a finger the whole year he roomed with me!

golden - I hope that too!  Being at home is definitely the thing I was needing. 

Yeah, I really DID need this weekend. It was like running away to a cabin on the lake, if I had a cabin on the lake! Except it's an apartment on the river. I feel completely refreshed and relaxed, and the cats don't seem at all perturbed at being shuffled about. As long as they're with me, I guess!
(5)
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