The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Becky, I love my small town too. No commute time for me either. A university with 300 students in a class must be in a neighboring town? We have one college here, another is coming evidently, they are very small colleges student body in the hundreds. There are probably chem lectures that might have 50-75 in them. My drive to work is about three minutes.

We have some support groups here but very small. Our DHS department is about 20-30 employees but serves the entire county. We must also have one on one counseling, by court order, here, probably why DHS has so.many employees.

Glad, University is on the fringe of 2 small towns - very much a walking campus. University has about 8000 students - over half on campus. I enjoy teaching, but this may be my last semester. Steps in my building are getting me down.

DHS is in Bangor - they have a ton of employees too. Most counseling is court mandated. I do alcohol education counseling. Program and materials established by the state court. PJ does parental counseling mandated by divorce courts. I don't have the right personality for that. DHS and some of the large counseling practices have support groups, but not for caregivers of elderly. We have 4 groups with 15 in each group. Meet for 60 minutes. I do two groups, PJ does 1 and a social worker does the other. PJ has a really good group. I have one that is good and one that is something else - it has some people who are far too involved in other people's business. A struggle to keep the boundaries firm.

Your chili and the storm sounded nice.

Becky my hubby head a blocked salivary gland and he went to an oral surgeon to get it excised. very painful he reported!

Becky - yup, that's me! Well, the best thing about stopping here in the summer, if you do, is our summer live music, much of it free (like Music in the Park)....this is an awesome town for music. Also lots of sports and active stuff, and yes, tournaments. On the down side - I feel it's fair to warn people! - it can get very hot here, especially towards the end of July (we are semi-desert), and some years we get a lot of wildfire smoke (last summer was very bad).

My band will probably be playing MitP, but I have no idea when. Musicians come from all over, so us local bands take what we are given! Lol.

glad - chili is great on a cold day. I must make some more navy bean soup. The last batch was awesome. Bet Ming likes cuddling in those cold days. So good the hear you have someone that clears the snow for you. it can be a really big job.

She/they have lost/damaged 3 hearing aids in 3 months. I can't justify buying another set. For heaven's sake, I haven't even got the invoice for the one that was lost. So I have to look for other solutions. I don't know if they will let me set up the one I ordered on the communal tv. I doubt it though it may help with conversation. I may look for a generic amplifying headphone set, or take her old tv down, and set it up in her room with service and that is OK. It would give her something to look at when she is in bed and not sleeping, if the nurses will switch on, and change the channels occasionally. Not sure that will work as they are busy doing other things. We will meet with them when we go down and discuss alternatives. This must happen to other seniors too.

Just read about some simple cheap devices that attach to hearing aids (easiest with behind the ear (BTE) daids) and clip to their clothing. Something has to be attached to the ITE ones for the device to clip on to. If they could be clipped to her clothing, out of hand reach it would be best. That would probably mean changing mother's aids from ITE to BTE. I will have to discuss this with her audiologist. There has to be a reasonable solution of some kind.

Becky - you are very busy - the housekeeper must make a huge difference. The railway goes through Edmonton, and, barring unforeseen consequences, I can be there and, like Dori, at least wave at you. Even better if you schedule a stop there we can show you around the city. I have no idea where the tracks run, or the station is. It used to be downtown on 109th street, but was moved years ago. I think it may be by the new Greyhound stn. which is not far out of the way. Great that Sue is there now to spend time with Pam.

Better get myself up and moving. I have to go out in an hour

Dori, the Kamloops overnight and day sightseeing is on either July 15 or 16. Not sure of Hotel.

Golden. Edmonton overnight is probably around the 21st. Don't have the exact itinerary for that part of the trip.

I only have one concern about trip. Because of PJ's height/ortho problems, he needs to be off the train and sleeping in a hotel bed every other day or so. I can't see him being comfortable in an overnight compartment. He's done the sleeper cars before - but he was much younger. The rail companies have been very nice with helping to work that out with side trips etc. every time they email I get more excited for the trip. Tied for my top bucket list item. The other is a trip to Aaustralia and New Zealand.

I just need to vent this.

Today (yesterday, as I write this) is one of mom's "drinking" days, as I've started to call them - meaning the days when her dementia is most like her drunkenness was. This morning (yesterday morning now), her attitude was JUST on the edge of nasty. But I was being perfectly bland and polite, and gave nothing for her to react to. So even though she tried to start fights, I didn't let her.  I actually called her out once, when she got snappish. I said, calmly, "Why are you snapping at me? I haven't done anything." And she stopped. And I didn't leap into the silence afterward, to try and smooth things over or jolly up the energy, which is probably what I would've done when I was a kid.

I think I repelled a couple of potential snapping bites this evening too. Bland and polite, bland and polite. It actually is starting to work, giving her nothing to react to. It's just laborious to keep it up, like I'm supressing an entire range of emotions, not just bad ones. I don't really feel safe to let the joyful ones out around her either. I suppose that's why I haven't been able to practice my music here. Goodness, that just occured to me for the first time.

The day's not quite ended yet...she's woken me up several times, making her way out of bed and into the living room, which is the only place I'll let her smoke. The walls are thin here, and she slides along them, and sometimes bumps into them, and she also shuffles. And then she rustles a bag of crackers, chain smokes, and stares into the darkness. Ok the staring part doesn't wake me up so much as the other stuff. But even the posture is the same as when she was at the tail end of a binge....leaning slightly forward on the couch, one leg swung over the other, one arm draped over the knee, the other arm holding the cigarette up. Head forward, eyes bleary, staring at nothing. Those are the moments especially when you don't want her stare to fall on you. It's like being around an angry cat. Don't get noticed and you won't get bitten.

It's not always like this.  Lots of days she's just a sweet, forgetful, clumsy toddler.

But when it is like this?  It triggers me. Lordie, it triggers me, and I just hate her so much on these days. And I do know, I know it's dementia, and that her brain is broken and she can't help it. Knowing something intellectually doesn't make it feel less bite-y than it is. Though I think it is getting a little easier. I am getting better at identifying when I'm being triggered. Knowing I have the weekend break at home now already makes an ENORMOUS difference. It's like after my parents divorced, and I got to go spend spring breaks and summer holidays with dad. Sweet, sweet relief, plus even a little honeymoon period with mom after the visitation was over. This honeymoon period lasted two days this week, but then I only had a weekend, not a spring break.

I spent so many years taking care of her and putting up with her s***. Sometimes I really do shake my head that I am doing it again, voluntarily no less. At least I am a grown up now. I can stand up for myself, and I do have the power to walk away, if it comes to that. And maybe, just maybe, I am learning to identify and hopefully fix some of the things in me that got broken back then.

I still don't think she has long left in this world. I have watched animals die, over weeks, months. I've watched my father die, and my stepmother. Mom has all the signs. I just wish....I dunno. I guess after the big emotion-fest I had with my stepmom when she was in hospice (I just cried and sang to her and held her hand, for hours at a time, day after day), I probably thought I could have the same thing with mom, when her time came. But I don't think it's going to happen that way. I will never feel that kind of freedom of emotion around my mother. It's not safe to show it to her. I'm not sure I ever felt that safe around her - if I did, I've since learned my lesson.

I miss my dad soooooo much. The one person on earth who always treated me with love and respect, no matter what dumb s*** I did or said. Even my stepmom couldn't fill those shoes, though she came close.

/vent

becky - Pj's height would be a problem in the berths on the train. Oh my! He is very tall. So E'ton is on the way back then, if later than the Loops? As long as the logistics work out, it should be an awesome trip. R and I want to do the trip west from here through the Rockies one day. I did it once many, many, years ago. I have never been that interested in Australia, but New Zealand really appeals to me, and a river cruise down the Rhine... just dreams right now. You have been through so much recently and still are in the midst of caregiving. A great vacation should do you both a lot of good. Hope Pam is having a good visit with Sue.

dori - big (((((((hugs))))). I don't know if you ever get past the triggers. Certainly some things can be resolved, but not all, in my experience. It does sound like you are making some progress, that some healing is happening. I find I need distance and detachment. I am glad you were so close to your step mum, but I doubt the same will happen with your mother. I figure I will be lucky if I get away with only a few negatives when the end comes, and, I know whatever mother doesn't come up, with my sis will supply. I can see you want to hang in there as you feel your mum isn't long for this world. That's very understandable and bittersweet. Sorry you miss your dad so much. I get that too. We treasure those who shone love and acceptance into or lives.

Have a good day everyone!

Dori, Addictive behaviors are centered in the same part of the brain. Regardless of the addiction the process and reactions will be similar. I have a friend who is shopping addicted, uncontrollable. Seeing her after an online shopping spree she looks much like a drunk in a stupor. So how your mom looks with the cigarettes is probably much the same as when she was drinking.

Golden, Housekeeper is a huge help. She is very reliable and has worked for PJ for about 4 years. She came to work for him when the twin girls from her prior job started college. She had been with that family since the twin girls were born. Boys like her very much.

I had support groups earlier. One went well, the other one not so good. One member wants validation of all of her complaints and whining about sibling and Mom. Small town and common knowledge that the family does not want her interference and complaints. They have many valid reasons for not wanting her around, including drinking too much. It started getting ugly between her and three other women. I called a halt and said that personal attacks would not be tolerated. I was glad when that hour was over. I told the whining woman privately that she could not monopolize group. She was not happy. Not sure what the resolution is or maybe there is none.

becky - that housekeeper is a rare find!! Re the group member - boundaries, boundaries as you are doing.

lazy day here..

I spent a couple of hours with Pam. Sue and Jay had things to do. Pam was a little chatty. She told me she had discovered that the worst thing with being in Hospice was the inability to do anything. She said it was so boring and depressing to simply lay there. I took her some DVD's to listen to and a couple of movies, books. Took her my 5-year old grandsons birthday video. He and four little boys chowing down on pizza and a giant chocolate chip cookie and acting silly. She said the pizza made her hungry. She is more stable in the hospital, but is obviously deteriorating. Her breathing even with oxygen is ragged. Her skin color is changing. I'm going back later this evening.

becky - sorry that Pam's condition is deteriorating. I can imagine it must be boring lying there. It is a horrible waiting game - hard on everyone.

sharyn - hope you are better from that cold. R has the flu now - he sounds awful. He rarely gets a flu shot, but did this year and it sure hasn't helped.

PJ went to Scouts with the boys and I was home alone. Doorbell rang and the woman from caregiver's group that I had a problem with today was at the door. She had obviously been drinking. She said that she was having it out with me. She proceeded to tell me in her normal garbled stories of how horrible her sister and mother are to her. On and on and on. She said that she was sick of my lack of support for her issues with the group. She said that I couldn't shut her up in group and that she was reporting me. (She didn't say where she was reporting me). She then told me if I didn't quit making her life worse she was going to beat me up. She also said I had to kick the three women she had problems with out of group and that she had the right to a safe and comfortable space. I asked her to leave. I hit the silent security alarm by the door. I stepped back and slammed the door in her face. She stood out there screaming at me until the police pulled up out front. One the policemen took her off the porch. The other policeman asked me what was going on and I explained. He told me she had been thrown out of a bar earlier for being rowdy and uncooperative. I'm rattled by the whole incident. One of our neighbors came over. She said this woman had done this to other people over her stated complaints about her mother, sister and another sibling. Her mom and sister are well known around town. I've never heard or seen anything negative about them. Her other sister and BIL are well known regionally and very wealthy. They have purchased homes and cars for many family members and help many people in the community with their generosity. They are estranged from this woman because of her behavior. Not sure what to do, but I don'tt  like feeling threatened.

I forgot to mention I don't think this woman is a caregiver. Her application for group says she takes care of her MIL, but we can't find anyone who thinks she has a MIL. 

Now that is very scarey.. glad you have an alarm button!

Becky can you put a restraining order on her and kick her out of the group? sounds like a bed in a psych ward would be more suitable for her than your group.

I think I'm going to do the restraining order. The group contract everyone signs says that a person can be removed from the group for being disruptive, etc. She has been an ongoing problem. She also could be dropped for being untruthful on her application. I agree a psych stay might be a help for her.

Woah, nasty! Addictions cause people to do crazy things. That's way worse than my pushy neighbour. A restraining order sounds like a good thing, and removing her from the group.

Oh my gosh, Becky - in all my years in women's services, I never had a client show up at my door, but I always dreaded it! How awful and scary. I would be rattled too! Threatening violence should be more than enough "just cause" to bar her from the group, and definitely for a restraining order. Are you still alone at home or have you got someone with you now?

golden - I know what you mean about distance and detachment. I had that for so many years, before I moved mom up here. It wasn't till I started staying with her that I started realizing, or maybe just remembering, how oppressive I find my mother. At least I can still practice detachment.

Well, the stupid internet is out again and my laptop is temporarily tethered to my phone while I'm on hold with mom's service provider. So I don't know if I'll be around much tonight! Sure appreciate you guys being here though.....big hugs to everyone!

PJ got home about 9:15. I told him what happened. He went over to the police station to find out what they did with her. They dropped her at her apartment and then she showed up at her Mom's. Police were called there. They arrested her for drunk and disorderly, threatening, and trespassing, violating a restraining order. They took her to the women's county jail. Police said that she was screaming that everyone was lying and trying to get her thrown in jail. I never expected anyone to show up at my home over a caregivers support group. Live and learn.

Oh....I was just thinking about how mom used to say (when she still talked about stuff) that she's had lifelong depression. I wonder if there is a connection there, that makes her drinking/dementia behaviours so similar? I know there's a connection between her depression and her addictions. I have always been the opposite - even though I have some anxiety, I'm usually a pretty happy, or at least content, person....when I'm away from her! I wonder sometimes if I've just been repeatedly pulled under by my mom's depression.

Something I guess I'll talk to our doctor about....

Becky....good heaven's, she's certainly on a tear tonight! Well, I'm glad she is being charged. She SHOULD have been arrested for threatening YOU though. I'm sure glad you are safe and that PJ is with you!

I have no patience for drunks.

Becky, wow, that is very BOLD of her. I would mention to the police about no one knowing about her caregiving for her Mil. She may very well need psych intervention!

I really dislike the word drunk. Strange coming from an alcoholic background and having been an active alcoholic at one time not too long ago. My reasons for disliking the word come about that it labels a person without realizing why they have an addiction, what their issues are, and that many many people overcome. I would hate to be labeled a drunk. An alcoholic I’ll take that label.

Feeling better, still coughing, sneezing but getting my energy back slowly.
We never did get snow, just rain. Snow is forecast for Saturday. It’s been a very “dry” snow winter here in Idaho.

Enjoy the weekend everyone, Becky, I do hope you are able to connect with Dorianne and Golden this summer!

Sharyn, good point on the word drunk and labeling. Never thought about that one before, but should have. In academic writing it is always referred to as alcoholic/alcohol addiction. But then you have law enforcement where drunk is the common term.

Becky, I understand, yet, drunk sounds like no hope! Law enforcement won’t likely change that as drunk defines a condition for an individual situation. Kudos to us alcoholics who are in recovery.

I didn't mean to offend you, Sharyn, and I apologize if I did. It's a word I've come to use because I've heard so many recovering alcoholics use it to describe themselves and their fellow "alkies" in the 12-step programs. (I spent years in Al-Anon myself.) It might have been better if I'd said I have no patience for active users, which is just as true.

Internet is back on! Jeez, that was a close one....it took a couple of hours and they had a hard time figuring out what was wrong without a tech visit. Because of mom's dialysis schedule tomorrow, we couldn't get a visit till Monday morning! Mom would've had to go without TV all weekend....I would've felt awful going home for the weekend with nothing here to entertain mom. I probably would have stayed and ran stuff off my laptop for her, through the TV. So....phew!

Becky that sounds like a very scary and violating moment you had. I feel you all on the issue of alcoholics and labels. I felt as if I may have offended someone when I spoke of a gentlemen who hangs around the liquor store and a special moment we had. We still have those but I can understand the sensitivity. I hope I didnt offend anyone. Also with EMS and in ER we came to use certain terms freely and its easy to be misunderstood in intent when speaking certain cliche ways in wrong forum.

I didnt get to check in last nite and just wanted to wish everyone well. Off for a few.

Sharyn, When anyone achieves sobriety, it's to be positively acknowledged. Overcoming and maintaining sobriety is challenging and difficult. In my practice working with DUI's, I see the people who haven't succeeded, haven't tried at all, those who realized they have a problem or those who take the situation lightly. I applaud all who succeed. If I offended anyone with the use of that word, I'm sorry. This isn't an excuse, but last night was a scary situation.

PJ and I going to the court house this am for that woman's arraignment. I want to see what happens with her and also, to get a restrainting order against her. I don't want her anywhere around me or my family.

Becky, do you ever feel like you are a target for strange people? Or is it your profession and you just attract them? So much it feels impossible. I am left thinking OMG not again!

Glad, I'm sitting in the county courthouse and have already seen 8 people I "know" coming thru for arraignment. Most I'm aware of because of a previous job in the criminal psych unit at the state mental health facility. I've always worked in positions that interface with the court system. And even when I've worked in the ER or the hospital I've worked with people who were brought into the ER by law enforcement. Last night was the first time I've had a member of the public (not my mom's/brothers dysfunctional families) come to my home and hopefully it will be the last.

I had planned on working until I'm 70, but last night is making me seriously reconsider that decision. I don't want another sleepless night like last night. I stopped at the assignment office here in the courthouse and notified them that after the 8 cases of DUI's I have now, I won't be available for anymore DUI cases. I had already told my department chair at the University that this is my last semester because I can't physically do the stairs any longer. I will continue to review treatment plans for insurance companies and will also do the administrative/organizational duties for the center, but I believe it's time to let someone else do the groups. I found the visit last night very frightening. No more public work for me.

Pam had a very bad night. Sue stayed with her. She said her coughing was difficult to relieve and that her breathing was very bad. Pam's doctor emailed me that her kidneys are showing early signs of failing. I have to meet with him later this morning. Sue had already told me she and Pam thought her kidney function had changed because of urine color and output. I think at this point in Pam"s illness it's difficult for her to have been a nurse because she knows what the changes in her body mean.

Today is supposed to be our slow day. So far not so slow. Hope everyone has a good day.