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Sharyn -glad you are starting to feel better. It can take a while. You are to be applauded for your sobriety.

Becky - I hope this is the end of it. You certainly have been in contact with a lot of dysfunctional people. I think you are wise to reduce your workload to less personally demanding commitments. Sorry to hear about Sue. Being a nurse herself must make it more difficult. This is a tough time for all of you. Take care of yourself -build in some time out. I am sure PJ is a rock and that he is concerned for you.

dori -I know as a performer you are also a techie to a degree. Hope you get the internet issues sorted out so they don't keep coming back. Enjoy your own place this weekend. I am an introvert too and NEED time alone. And congrats on quitting smoking. I know it is not easy.

glad - aren't you glad you don't have contact with people like that through work? You have had your share of disasters in the past few years. I am happy for you life is quieter now. I had few scary student encounters at the college, and all confined to the building. Walking to my car in the evening which sometimes was parked near the homeless men's shelter, and a notorious bar in town was another thing. I was relieved when they expanded the parking lot a few blocks away.

Found an extra charge from Am*z*n on my bank account, I sent an email and got back an almost immediate response, so I called them and we sorted it out - it was a blip. At the same time, the nice lady saw that I had not received an small item some time ago that I thought I had sorted out, but hadn't, so she arranged for a refund. It was very good service. Still waiting for resolution from a seller on our Canadian site. However, on the whole, online ordering works very well for me. I have another grocery order in to W*lm*rt. It helps to reduce the heaving of bulky items into and out of the car, which is a PITA, especially in the cold weather. Found out I cannot open my trunk without the remote being active!!! This is a major fault in my vehicle and in other years of the same model! Other than that I love the car. Guess I have to go downtown and get the remote replaced or find out what they can do for me.

Have a good day - do something good for you.
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Becky and Dori, I am not offended at all, it’s just a preference of words I prefer to use. Yes, many do not become sober or take it seriously. Why, I don’t know. In denial I guess. Having parents with alcoholism does leave its scars. For many years I could not tolerate the sound of ice in a glass. It just put me on edge. Now I can use ice in a glass of water without reacting. It’s really strange how little things like that can bring on reactions from our childhood.

Becky, your job is not easy. Dealing with people with addiction must take a lot out of you too. Having someone from the center show up at your residence is scary. I hope you get a restraining order.
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What a waste of time! Restraining order denied. Magistrate said first encounter and no real imminent danger. Her charges were reduced to public intoxication. Small fine and suspended sentence. She left with a big smile on her face and went out making snarky remarks. Met with Pam's doctor. He said that her kidneys are failing. They did another test this morning. Pam wants no further blood draws. She told him she knew what to expect. She wants to be comfortable and I agree with her completely. So does her friend Sue. Jay said nothing. I'm home for the rest of the day. PJ and I are going to work on junk collection.
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Becky,
Hugs out to Pam, she's a strong, brave gal
So glad you two went hot tubing
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Becky, sending thoughts of support on this path for Pam and the rest of you. On her own terms and with support. She is so much more fortunate than many.
I think that many folks that end up in psychology or the helper professions (teacher, nurse, psychiatrist, etc) are exposed to more dysfunctional individuals that can trigger events. My father became a psychiatrist in part because he had such a dysfunctional relationship with his parents and was a narcissist. A friend that is an addiction counselor has been stalked, physically threatened, and almost run over. Becky, give yourself a break like you considered. Give yourself a chance to heal esp. with Pam's journey. many folks seem to treat group therapy as their own private audience for their problems to be aired. It's also eerily uncommon for folks to make up caregiver stories to get sympathy....weird.
Hubs took FIL for surgery and now finds out that only part of the paperwork was updated when MIL qualified for Medicaid. Their wills have not been updated. Oh, well, if FIL dies first and busts her Medicaid, hubs and his brother can handle it. The "fixer" is still on hiatus. Husband's aunt never got flowers at Christmas because when I didn't do it, he never got around to it. Ah, well.
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Becky, I'm am sorry to hear about Pam. She is courageous and so are you. So much has happened in less than a year. Wow, regarding the woman and charges reduced. I hope she leaves you alone. At least she has a record now. (((Hugs))) to you, family and Pam.
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I don't think Jay is handling this well...
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Book, He has a hard time with losing loved ones. He stayed with my Dad whom he adored for six weeks before he passed. He lost weight and neglected himself. I see him doing similarly with Pam. I've talked to him. He realizes how it is affecting him, but says it would be worse if he wasn't there. Pam has drawn very close to him and appreciates every minute she spends with him.
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Becky, I'm happy to hear that Pam seems peaceful with what she's facing. I hope she stays comfortable and feels loved and supported. Happy that she has her friends around her.

Sharyn, odd question for you lol... but did you end up trying the Dr Jart ceramidin cream and/or liquid and if so, how do you like it? I like some of the brand's other products but I need a better moisturizer for my sensitive skin, prone to eczema.

Hey all, hope you're having a great end to the week, and Happy Weekend!!
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Becky - it's too bad about the restraining order. I hope she does not cause you any more trouble. I am sure Pam knows what lies ahead for her. She is a very brave woman and making good decisions for herself. Sorry that Jay finds loss so difficult. I am glad you all have each other to lean on. Hope the junk collecting went well. It could be a good catharsis. Do take some breaks. You and Jay are grieving over Pam even now.

guest - interesting about your father. Re fil, the dysfunction is in full bloom. I am glad you are not going to step forward, no matter what happens. Aunt got no flowers - oh dear! Keep that line in the sand.

ali - all I use is baby oil, but I know it is not for everyone.

Huge dumps of snow to the south. Hope it will end before R is due to come up.
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Ali, I use Dr Jart Cicapair tiger grass color corrector. It helps to tone down the redness in my skin. As a moisturizer, I use botanical effects from Mary Kay. It works well and doesn’t irritate my skin. I hope you find something. Ulta has kits you can purchase for different skin issues. The kits usually have enough for 1 month. You can purchase regular or larger sizes of the product if you like it.
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Thanks everyone for the support. Local policeman stopped by to see if we had any problems. He told PJ that the woman's family will do anything to make sure she isn't bothering them or trying to move in with them, but doesn't care if she harasses others. PJ did a letter to all group members restating all group rules. He also emphasized that discussions are on caregiving issues only and that providers are there to facilitate group discussions, not to provide family mediation or individual therapy. Also, that if one violate rules one will not be able to attend. The lawyer who represents the center sent her a letter that she is no longer allowed to attend the center or groups because it had been verified that she had lied on her application and because she now had a police record.

Went to visit Pam. Very noticeable changes. She was sleeping and did not move. Sue is staying until 10:00. Jay is going for overnight. I'll go back in the morning.

Sorted out more junk and several trips to the town dump. A few people took things off the driveway. PJ also sold a bunch of old Big Wheels mid to late 70's vintage. Remarkably it still looks like we have piles of "stuff". However, the attic is completely empty and has been cleaned thoroughly. Would love to have it ready to put on the market mid-March.

Everyone have a nice evening!
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Guest, I ended up a psychologist kind of by accident. First undergrad degree in English. Worked for 12 years in corporate communications for a chemical company. Went back to school when I moved to Maine. Worked at University and could attend classes for free. Second undergrad in Consumer Economics. Started grad school in Consumer Psychology (why people buy and spend money the way they do). I had 63 graduate hours completed when the University's underwent a huge overhaul and downsizing which resulted in my program being discontinued. The program that accepted all of my hours was a terminal PhD program in Clinical Psychology. And, here I am about 18 yrs later. My degree has served me well and I don't dislike the field, but I know that I'm not driven to seek out psych problems in people. I've seen psychologists who find problems in everyone. I've got clinical training and am licensed to do individual therapy, but I don't. I review treatment plans for schizophrenics for insurance companies and DUI education (this is my last group). Now the only goal I have is to be completely done with all work in 2 years when I'm 70. Travel, spend time with my son and his family and with PJ and his kids/grandchildren and be lazy.
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(((((Hugs))))) Becky and Pam and family. This must have been a very hard couple of days for you. :-(

I am home. Home home. Pizza delivered. Cats sprawled.

Peaceful dreams, everyone.
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Becky,
Brother Jay is quite a fellow isn't he?
Hugs to you all
You're in my prayers tonight
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I got here at 6:00 am. Pam's condition has deteriorated. Breathing is labored. Pain meds had to be increased. Her skin color has changed dramatically. Her pulse is irregular. I talked to her nurse who thinks that both her liver and kidneys may be failing. She opened her eyes and spoke a few words around 7:00 am. She knew who was with her and seemed peaceful. PJ has the priest on his way.
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(((((Becky)))))
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becky, I am so sorry Prayers for you, and everyone, and especially for Pam for peace and to be pain free ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
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Becky
You, Jay, PJ and Sue have given Pam a wonderful gift - to be surrounded by love

Thoughts are with you
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Pam passed at 1:03. The priest had given her last rites. She didn't wake again after early this am. She was very peaceful and passed very quietly. I'm waiting for them to move her body. I called a cousin from her dad's side. He is the minister at the country church and graveyard where her parents are buried. Even though it is not a Catholic cemetery she and her husband agreed to be buried there. His ashes will be shipped with hers for burial. They did not want any service. I'm sure her cousin will say a few words and some of the other family members will be there. Her dad's brother and sister live in the area. She already had a headstone in place. She was so efficient. She paid for her cremation when she first arrived. Sue left a few minutes ago. She was going to try to get a plane ticket home for this evening. Jay left to go home. He wanted to be by himself. No need for everyone to sit here waiting. I told PJ to go to grandson's swim meet. Sad day. I'll honestly miss her. I called my aunt and two cousins in Texas. There were nine of us grandchildren. I'm the oldest. Now down to my two cousins, Jay and I and our Aunt Mary.
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Becky, I'm so sorry for your loss. By documenting Pam's last weeks, you and she and your very functional family taught us all a lesson about how to die well.
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Becky, (((hugs))), May Pam Rest In Peace. You were there for her, such great support from you and your family
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Becky, i am so sorry for your loss.
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Becky - my deepest condolences on your loss. I know you will miss Pam. I am so glad that her passing was peaceful. That is a gift to everyone. You and your family stood by her in an extraordinary way. You all are very special. Please give yourself some time to grieve. ((((((((hugs)))))))
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Starting to process everything. Pam made everything so easy. She planned and was efficient. I think she at times put Jay and I ahead of herself. I can't say enough good things about her care and the professional assistance she received.

Hospice was excellent. Jay and I got to be acquainted with some of the families. There was one very large family that was quite memorable. They were there with their mother who was in her 90's. They had people from way northern, rural Maine - pretty backwoods. I've encountered many like them living in Maine so no problem for me. Jay had problems. He didn't understand their accents, the north Maine phrasing exactly. They were a fairly rough bunch. And they didn't understand him at all. Jay owns a business now, but when he was younger he worked as a sports broadcaster for CBS radio in NY and as a catalog model. He graduated from Columbia School of Jounalism. He was a total fish out of water. After Pam passed one of the woman came over and gave him a big hug. She said I've never seen a man as handsome as you and who talks that good, but you were good with your cousin and took care of her. Jay appreciated her so much. Right before I left the pizza/sub shop made a big delivery for the family from Jay. Kids were excited - they had never had pizza from a deli/restaurant.
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Becky, I don’t post much on this thread but I take a look now and then. I started following your saga about Pam. She’s lucky to have had you at her side. My sincere condolences.
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Becky,, you and J are such a role model for everyone who wants their family member to have a good ending, on their own terms. I so wish I saw more families like yours at the hospital where I work, and I plan to remember you when my Mom's time comes. You may not feel like it now, but you are really a hero.
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Dear Becky, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your family and the way in which they all rallied around your cousin Pam was inspirational, and such an fine example on how to do it right!


Your story is very much like my own, and how we all stuck together to care for our parents in their final years through their illnesses until their passing.

I know that you will get through this, and in time will have many good memories of her, and the knowledge that you did your best by her.

Take care of yourself in the coming days, and just love, love on your family! Pam is now in a better place, free from the Cancer and pain. Big Hugs!!! Stacey B
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I want to thank everyone for your support and kindness. I'll miss Pam a bunch. She taught Jay and I about planning ahead and making good decisions for the end of life. She died like she lived with grace, peace and dignity. Given the other deaths Jay and I've had thisyear, this was difficult emotionally, but a piece of cake compared to the dysfunctional people we've had in our lives who passed away. Now I have to be the Executor. Pam had a box with labeled folders on everything in her estate. It should be relatively simple. All of her accounts are Transfer on Death and I am co-owner or beneficiary. Just have to do the phone notifications, etc. She planned for everything. PJ said looking at her labeled folders and everything alphabetized, it made him feel like a bookkeeping slob - which he isn't.

Again thank you for the support and kindness. It means a lot.
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Becky,
Hope you can sleep in late on Sunday and have pancakes for breakfast
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