The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

becky - lovely story about jay and that family, and also him bringing steaks and all over for you and family. Very nice, and I bet he is a great cook. You may find you are quite tired for a while. Be sure to get enough rest. Hope you all got some sleep last night.

madge - pancakes sound great.

After extolling the benefits of online shopping for seniors, I got a box of groceries which, obviously, had been dropped, was water stained, had a torn corner, and in which was a jar of sauerkraut which was smashed. W*lm*rt was great about a refund after I sent photos. In fact, they refunded me for the 2 jars, but I corrected that. Now I have a mess to clean up, but am waiting for it to dry more before I deal with it. Bubble wrap, sauerkraut and broken glass aren't a great mixture, though the bubble wrap helps with the glass shards, and the cardboard has absorbed some of the liquid.

Very cold again here and wind chill to minus 35 this morning, but warming up.

Have a good day everyone!

Becky so sorry for your loss. ((((HUGS))))) to you and Jay. I was very saddened as I caught up and learned this news and the love and support that reigned throughout was a most beautiful way to have an ending. God bless you all. Pat sounds like she was was a most awesome woman.

I have mostly caught up. I got a lot accomplished downstairs at my mother. I have this turmoil sometimes when I look at her and all I see is this frail, sweet woman I am losing. It becomes overwhelming and I realize how it beats me down. I think of recent posts and the united effort to keep a loved one happy and peaceful toward the end. I think how much easier it would be on us all if we were a united front instead of blaming and whatever is at the root of what motivates my sister. I felt so guilty about just leaving stuff knowing it wasnt going to get done. So I just went on and did a thorough clean.

Acutally I got some motivation from a book (the Alchemist) where there was a statement to the effect of when we clean things we clean our minds. So as I cleaned I thought about how its needed always has been and what makes my crazy butt think its going to change.
A woman I see regularly in laundry, lost her mother and I felt it hard. I cant help but look at her and think that one day she will be gone.
I work nights and years ago. It would feel good to call my mother at 3am because I knew she was up all night. At first I could just tell her about the night and then I would most times end up almost yelling in phone for something off the wall or a funky accusation out the blue.
I realize I get my need to feed people from her. She makes plates for 5 people out of a meal sometimes. Its nothing I can do about it because she be on a mission. I guess not so hungry. Other times she sitts and eat and still other times I have to spoon feed her.
We had a good weekend. The guy came and tightened up the table.
Things were good and sometimes my mother flips back in her old self. With accusations. Today I left for work with her yelling at me to give her her envelope. Naturally it had money in it. I am waiting for the day when my sister realizes that the things she feed on was dementia becaue my mother was always accusing me of going into her bank account and trying to take the house. I still feel guilty when some one loses something or missing something I feel like its my fault or I am relieved that I was not arroung twhen it happended. So That envelope thing took me to a dark place in myself.

I still havent heard any thing a bout the therapy.

My hat off to all caregivers. There are some posters whose life and mother was so similar to mine it made me feel normal and hopeful because they seemed to be alright.

Im taking the Cq10 and feel a little more upbeat. I had setback with heavy coughing and phlem when the people used oven and the burning accumulation in oven. Then the chemicals as I cleaned the trash cans. I have masks now to keep and wear whenever I am near an iritant. It becomes a little traumatic for me because when I cough like that sometimes I cant even catch my breath, and it leads to retching and I have some really scary moments. Before the pnemonia I had constant cough and just got used to it. What makes it worse is that I smoke when its not bothering me. I am much better now.

Well I am on for four 12hr nights straight. So I plan to get back into posting. Meanwhile rays of light peace and love to you all.

Aww Becky. I am so sorry for you and your family's loss. I know you were expecting it, but it doesn't make it hurt less. (((((big hugs)))))

I'm very sorry to hear about Pam, Becky. My goodness that lady had all her ducks in a row, didn't she? Her thoughtfulness avoided so many of the common problems, but of course there's nothing at all anyone can do about how much you will all miss her.

I love the hug from the lady from backwoods Maine anecdote. "Handsome is as handsome does" eh? - and how sweet of her to pay Jay that real compliment.

Thinking about you, Becky. Hope you are doing ok today. (((((hugs)))))

Well, mom is a quite a bit confused today, which I think is because of me going home for the weekend. Hoping once it becomes a routine she will start to go with the flow, as it happened with the home support schedule. Yikes.

On the other hand, I had a lovely weekend. My friend cut my hair Saturday morning (how amazing that feels after 14 months of no haircuts!), but that's about the most I did. Otherwise I played with the cats, read a book (I can't remember the last time I got to laze around and read a book!), and watched the entirety of Stranger Things 2 on Netflix.

How was everyone else's weekends?

Becky, use the time to rest and recover. Your family and you deserve it.

Dori, glad your weekend was great! A hair cut can make a big difference in how we feel. Your mom will probably be confused for a while.

I had my hair hair colored and highlighted on Friday. Worked the rest of the weekend. It is so slow right now, we finished everything 30 minutes early yesterday and went home. Hours get cut when it’s like this, ugh!

Dd and one of her bff’s from California are at a Scentsy event today. They introduce all the new items for 2018. We have the boys all day. They are being really good. E is playing a lot more with his brother. Pre school has done wonders for his speech and social skills. I’m so happy for him!!

I hope everyone is well this week. Stacey, how are you? How are the house Renos coming along?

Becky, I'm also thinking about you at this time, and thinking of Pam's great example of how to handle the business of dying. :-( It's very bittersweet knowing her story the past couple months but I'm so glad you shared about her. That's real strength and grace.

...

Hey all, I'm back to work at cafe today after some days off. I don't feel great but I'll be alright, I think. New mattress comes on Wednesday and today's persistent back pain is reminding me that I have to do SOMETHING, so hope the mattress plus other changes will help.

I got ambitious Friday afternoon/eve, and then again for many hours on Saturday, and tackled the wreck that has been my living room of the past 4 months. Now the living room is mostly put away and the dining and bedroom are wrecked from the overflow of things I want to get rid of. Hahahaha! But it is progress and I'm glad.

Oh. That's also why my back hurts so much today! Light bulb just went off. Yes, the current mattress is bad but I worked like a crazy woman dismantling shelves and moving furniture, etc. lol Glad to get the lion's share of the work remaining done. I LIKE coming home to a comfortable and inviting space. I'm Chinese Year of the Rabbit, a nester supreme. ;-)

Have a great week, all. (((hugs)))

I just opened my mothers mail with approvals for care which were outdated. I noticed one =was for skilled nursing 3hrs. She had a nurse interview for evaluation so I guess that was that one. She also had one for physical therapy which I know she didnt get. and 1 paper had 40 and the other had 48 for home health aide. The dates of services have passed They were for 1/03 - 1/18 . I do not know what is going on but I know my mother is not getting these services. I am not even clear myself about the services or how it works. But I do know that one has to be on top of the situation calling almost harassing the providers for information and service. Looks like its not happening. Any advice on how to bring this up to my sister? Please.

Also months ago as I was cleaning I came acrosss on old bill it looked new and was a large amount due. I paniced and in so doing called my nephew to see if he was paying this bill as he had started taking my mothter to the bank. (I told her I wouldnt do it anymore because she kept acusing me of stealing money from her and her accounts) It wass a good converstation where my nephew said he was on top of the bills. I read the bills out and also mention if he was on top of taxes on properties. He said yes. I called and they were paid up. Final notices for those taxes were also in the mail. It would be nice if we could designate an area where my mothers bills and mail could be placed and all have access. I opened mail because I am left out of the loop and its the only way I know really whats going on. Like with the bills and all. I am fine with my nephew as far as that is concerned. I think he is trustworthy. But he follows his mother and that could lead to further havoc in regards to her manipulation. Alsos I dont have a clue as to power of attorney. I dont think that has been done or my nephew would not be doing the bills. I think it was just he heatlh care proxy as that was just a matter of signing in front of md. I am trully clueless in these matters. Her meal on wheel recert is due in march and most of the infor will be reavealed then. I want to communicate that it seems that my mother is not getting care and services she is entitled to and that twisted need to be agreessive in getting care and check and learning services.

becky - thinking of you and sending prayers for peace and comfort. (((((hugs)))))

duck - glad you had a good weekend. Hope therapy gets sorted out soon. The coughing fits must be very scary. It is good you can enjoy your mother some times. Those are precious. 

dori - so glad you had a good weekend. It is just what you needed, and a hair cut too. I hope your mum adjusts. I give myself time out like that sometimes too. I have to with the CFS/FM.

sharyn - coloured and highlighted too! Yay! Work being slow is nice for the time off, but not nice when you get your paycheck. You are busy with the boys. So glad to hear that E is benefitting from preschool. That is awesome!

ali - take it easy, girl. Working in your feet then hauling furniture!!! I am glad you made progress. Hope you aren't too wiped tonight.

Had my final post cataract examination today, and it was dreadful cold weather to go out in again. Minus 5 F this afternoon felt tropical. The good news is that everything is healing well, my vision is good, and, the ghost images are due to an uncorrected astigmatism. My updated prescription will fix that.Yay!!!! I will buy a cheap back-up pair online. The less than stellar news is that, if I had known, I could have paid extra for a better lens (the one he put in my eye) that would have corrected the astigmatism, which would make my glasses simpler, and allow me to see better without them. Had anyone told me, I would have done that. Not impressed!

People are still talking about the fire and evacuation, and, more than anything, how well we all were treated during evac.

I tried weaning myself totally off the FM drug, but had some serious muscle soreness the past few days after my exercises, though only in the shoulder and neck area, so I will take the reduced amount every second day, and see if that works. It would be great to be off it altogether.

Seeing the bank lady tomorrow about mortgages, and also about financial POA arrangements, so I know what I am getting my kids into, and so I can make it as easy as possible for them.

Only a few more weeks of real winter, and the days are getting longer. That's great!!! Have a good nightr everyone.

duck - I honestly don't know what you can do about the services your mother was supposed to have. It seems to me that would fall under health, so is up to your sister. I guess you can document what is happening, and make copies of what you find and share them with her doctor. As a medically trained person, are you a mandated reporter?

First cousin, once removed is performing with a regional kids choir during pregame Sunday. Very excited for her, but I got the impression she is not impressed. That is my cousin's daughter isn't it?

Thank you, Glad! - you've made me look it up, something I've been "meaning to do" for decades. There's are some very good charts online, so I can now confirm that yes your cousin's daughter is your first cousin once removed. Whereas before I'd have been dithering between that and second cousin. As you were!

Is she of an age where she can allow nothing to impress her, because that is The Law? It's one of those teenage characteristics that makes you have to agree that youth is wasted on the young, isn't it? I'd be excited too :)

Yes, CM I think she is that age, teens and at that age they just are not impressed by anything. Though the years go by so quickly she may be just ten, twelve? I really have no clue. This is auntie dearest's granddaughter. Still limiting contact. Probably always will have to to protect myself. I just cannot forget the treatment of me by her or the twisteds. They rarely cross my mind these days. That is a good thing.

D'oh! - I've just reread my post - when I said "as you were" I meant as in the military parade order, I did not mean that you too had been dithering. It's still quite early in the morning here... sorry!

I like that you're excited for singing sprog regardless, I feel the same. Lovely Nephew 1 has just had his first baby, a girl, and I mind that I can't just drop in to see them but it's not worth risking a close encounter with the grandparents. I've sent a couple of Tiny Garments, as my mother used to call her knitted baby gifts, instead.

Oh, CM, I had to read this post and the previous one of yours to figure out what you meant. I knew the first time I read it in the night. You are fine. I had to try to go back to sleep. It was like 1:00 am here. Had I been more awake maybe I would have read the wrong way.

*sigh*. Husband had a wreck at the end of our street this morning. His fault. year still sucks.

Ah, guest, husbands and car wrecks!

Oh Guest. Oh *dear*. But no one hurt, I hope?

He admitted it was his fault? Goodness! That's not very Y-chromosome of him! I was vastly entertained when son wrote off his cherished, almost brand new, bright red Renault Mégane and

he wasn't going too fast
there was sand on the road
the bend was sharper than indicated
there seemed to be an odd camber to the surface
he hadn't been expecting the armoured cars to be patrolling that morning

He'd called the car Tomas, short for tomato. Well now it was a squashed Tomas-to.

He is ok. Other driver said they are ok, but that can change overnight when endorphins wear off and people start to hurt. He pulled out in front of other driver from stop sign and they have right of way. Hard to argue, CM...but the sun in the east was in his eyes and they were light car and hard to see....etc.

"It was a light-coloured car" - that is *definitely* going in my collection.

I sympathise about the low sun in these months, I must say. But I must also say that my response to "can't see a f***in' thing for [beep]'s sake!" is to curse a lot and shade my eyes, even if it makes pulling away slower and less elegant than usual. It is not to carry on regardless and hope they've got good brakes.

What are the speeds like on that road? Anyone's airbag go off?

g;ad - teenager was my first thought. Good for her!!! Something to be proud of.

cm - I used to have those straight, but ex is native and everyone who isn't a sib or a parent is an aunty/uncle or a cousin, so I gave up. Poor son - at least he wasn't hurt.

guest - Oh no! So glad he is OK and the others are, at least for now. Sun in the eyes is a bad one. There are spots coming up the hill to home, certain times of day, when I drive in faith that everything is where it was (relatively speaking) when I last saw them.

Limit on the road with no stop sign is 35, but you're coming downhill and frequently I've seen people I know were probably doing 50. It's just one thing after another. We have gap insurance, so that's one less headache....but son will now be able to give his father every bit as much grief over the car accident as father has given son for the last 8 months...no idea about airbag. But husband said he's worried that his car at least is totalled. Hit him hard enough on front driver's side that it spun him 180 degrees and bounced him onto opposite curb.

Ouch, guest, that's a fairly hard hit. Hope hubby doesn't start aching. I am glad you have gap insurance. Son will probably be more gracious.

Golden, I am glad you are well on the mend. I am sure my perception or review would be respected professionally as far as my mother is concerned. Which is why kept reporting concerns to md. And thanks Golden because as I typed that last sentence I got answer to my delima. To call MD and explain that my mother is a high risk for fall and therefor brain injury due to the fact that she does not eat properly, poor vision, poor judgement and is up and down stairs regullary rummaging through things and that she slipped last week. thank you. I dont need to frustrate my self with my sister, Just voice my concerns to her MD. Now that was a light bulb moment for me. :)

CM congratualations on the great niece. I can understand your stand. I did the same thing when my newest cousinn came into the world. The daughter of my oldest aunt who is deceased. She had two girls. We grew up like sisters. Her, my twested and my youngest aunt and me.When we first moved to NY we all lived together. Then we moved three blocks away. A lot of ugly words passed between me and the Aunt T. She is just like my mother and sister. I used to always say they were just alike and Me and the oldest Aunt were the nice ones. I cried hard at my Grandmothers death bed and her funeral. Her birthday is today or tomarrown by the way. Well I didnt have a grandmother growng up. I called her by her first name no grandma. I used to not like her growing up sometimes. she lived on the fifth floor and when she babysat us she would always send me to the store and keep the sausage or food my mother sent for us and give us the welfare canned meat (which was acutally kinda good) my oldest aunt was 2yrs older and the young one T is two years younger the same as my sister. this aunt threw clorox at my mother and sister one day when they went to visit my grandmother and the oldest cousin Sha who is in third or fourth bout with ca broke her leg trying to get to aunt T. As a child she had a foul mouth and would say things about my mother and father and sometimes I would just attack her when I couldnt take it anymore. She is a good chain puller. So the last time she pulled my chain it was an unholy perspective of why I cried so hard when my grandmother died. she called me a lot of B's when I asked if she thought she was the guru on aging because she cared for my grandmother when she said mymother didnt have dementia. She treated my grandmother bad. Sometimes I hated to call because I had to go throuh her and one day I had to call and tell her to take my grandmother to the hospital because she was wheezing, I asked my grandmother if she had a baby in the room the wheezes sounded like a baby. She was afraid to say she needed to go to hosopital because of this aunts tiriads. so in this agrument she called me a lot of b's and had the nerve to say I cried hard over my grandmother becuause i was guilty. I told her she could never touch our relationship and when she went there I saw my mothre and my twisted and her as the grand narcissists and made decision to stay clear of her. Its more to the story not to add that the niece who has cancer has 5 children and when she refused chemo because she was pregnant told her ugly things and that she was not hgoing to take care of her kids. And she already only allowed one over and treated the others bad. She told the younger niece the one who just had a baby that if she went to the sister wedding she would put her out so the Shar didnt go to her sistesrs wedding. So Shar just had the cutest baby boy he must be about 3 months now. I sent money. I will not set foot in T's house she took over my grandmothers aprartment. She has these dogs that she treat like humans. And has the nerve to bringthem to events where and place her self at an entrance with the food and water bowl where people have to step ove the dogs. Its so agravating. ANyways I truly understand where you were coming from in your post CountryMouse.

Today or tomarrow is my grandmothers birthday.I think its strange that I read a post that brings me to talk about my gm and its her birthday. So Im moved to expand our relationship. She was known to have the prettiiest legs in my hometown. She had one sister who had 12 children and they were all very close still are. My son's grandfather used to be crazy about her. You know the south, im giving him my history my fathers's family is very large there and then we get to my mother's mother and He says girl I was almost your grandfather. I told my gm and she was tickeled to death and said she was always scared of him. Anyways I used to avoid being home on holidays I would do the shopping and decorations and cleaning and it was stressful not tomention a farce to me this family love thing so I liked to work. One year my grandmother called and sang happy birthday to me on my job in the ER. Then another time she told me my mother was sad because I was never there on the holiday. (I should have left it that way) I didnt even realize that I didnt think anyone cared becuase I dint get happy birthdays and she got the number to the job and called. It made my day. It became a tradition me her and this Aunt T always called and acutally sang the whole dang happy birthday song. By the way the arugment me and T had was around this time of year and when my birthday came she broke tradition and I left it like that. So my grandmther now up in age we are close now because I gave her the real rundown on my aunt who was in a coma and that if she came home she would not be the same. I also told her that it would not be good for her to go to hospital. Especialy after see my mother. When I said this there was no question in my mind that it would take her out. She still had the option and I am glad she did not have to live with that memory because it was not a good one. She had a heartattack and was in hospital for a good while when my aunt went in to cardiac arrest after shock from bleeding. She stayed in a coma for over a year. When It first happen they thought she was not going to make it through the night. Aunt t just called causlly and said she had gone into cardiac arest not knowing what it meant. I was working EMS at the time. When we finally tacked her down it broke my heart to see how my mother fell into that bed and wheened and groaned it was bad. It scared me. I had never seen her so broke up and freely greiving. I stayed with her that night, in my heart she would not be alone. In visiting and the stress my grandmother didnt bath and I told my mother she should bathe her mother she said you do it. I did. Durring wake a funneral I spent the night with my grandmother, I rocked her as she quitely cried. And I told her the truth in a nice way. Then after that I mistakenly spilled the beans about a surprise gathering and this auntT said I had a big mouth she didnt say it was a surprisse. We always talkeed and if she asked I would tell her the truth who was coming what was going on. We'd laugh about it. she was blind so I was her eyes. I started calling her grandmamaa and she loved it and I loved it. When I gave up my car becuase of old tickets and sabatoge by my mother. I stopped dropping by all the time. Before no matter where I was I would swing by and see my gm. or get whoever was driving to stop for a minute. Towards the end I would listen to these fabulous dreams she had and when I did visit have to feel in her mouth to see tooth that was bothering her and stuff like that. When I was driving, I would drive south yearly or for funerals, she turned me on to coffee for those long trips. She kinda pointed out how drove and it was a complement. We talked about things, we laughted a lot on the phone late at night. Movies that cracked e up craked her up. One more thing, well I dance and I used to do this special move that I swing my leg out in a dance called the hustle. Well the last time she danced she was doing the swing with this aunt t leading and did this fancy move with the leg and my a jaw dropped. Well here is the topper. My oldest grand who does not dig me too much, when she was about 1 was showing me how she dance. She was in one place doing happy feet I guess. In my head im like what in the World is she doing. Just as im beginning to be like enough this girl stopped pit patting in one spot and slid her leg out and bought it back real slow a lot like my gm;s move. I was floored. whoo hawing and all. Towards the end my Aunt T used to harass my mother becaues she was doing everytthing alone. My mother one tell me stuff and just as i am about to tell this aunt about herself and leave my mother out her mouth they would be on the phone laughing. and I am ready to strangle this aunt. My gm spoiled her. she did not raise my mother. Even though I felt my mother could participate more I respected that she couldnt for what ever reason just like my father. Some times I feel I have that in me. I dont want to see my mother sometimes, it hits a core in my heart to see her sometimes. Most times I can baby talk her and fast talk her and west indian accent her and we can laugh. But I can in someway understnd why she was not active in her own mother descent.
Well God Bless my Grandmamaa, I loved her and still do.

Well the forum is for venting. thanks for baring up with me. I know I am all over the place. I dont plan what I post. I post from my heart and I am so glad I was able to speak my heart today on my Grandmamaa's birthday.

She died 11/2011 and I almost left here a month later with that horendous cough that turned into pnemonia. I got some details a little mixed because this aunt was in hopstial twice. Both times she almost didnt make it and the first time her kidney function went and she ended up on dialysis. The second time she stopped breathing in cab to hospital.
maybe I needed to relive this. I vented. Thanks for letting me vent.
Happy Birthday Lilamae my grandmamaa

Guest, glad hubby okay.

I am the youngest of 6, with my oldest brother deceased. I moved my parents here with me several years ago to help them, because they were just vegetating and doped up where they were. After bringing them here their meds were adjusted and they had a better quality of life and got to live it again. Since moving them here my 2 sisters and 2 brothers refuse to speak to my Mom. One of my brothers calls her every once in a great while but does not visit her. They all live in different states, and she writes them letters every so often proclaiming her love, and asking why they no longer speak to her and get no responses. Its so sad. It leaves me feeling as if I must make up for all of them with her. She doesn't make me feel that way, I just feel so bad because I can't comprehend their hatefulness. Dysfunction....Every family has it I suppose

smesh that;s why I was drawn and so thankful for the forum. Welcome aboard keep posting . there is a weath of help here. Beatiful folk to be found. with wisdom esperience and good hearts. Just keep venting. Hang in there.