The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Dkjell, I'm glad that you got it all covered. I've read a lot of sad and betrayal done by siblings via POA. It seems you covered everything. So, you all go enjoy your trip! When you feel the most calmest and relaxed state of mind, emotions and physically - think of us, and give us a silent salute. I would be green of envy if I was not terrified of water (drowning) and jealous that you're on a cruise. Go have fun!!!

Bookluvr, thanks! I believe caregivers are Angels right here on earth! We all have good days and bad days, but we have earned our wings!

The ship does not even feel like you are on water! It is like a small city! Just so you know I am afraid of drowning as well, but I do love cruising as does my mom.

I created a monster when I took my parents on a cruise for their 50th wedding anniversary. If my dad was still alive he would be addicted too! My mom loves to go and the interesting thing is that it helps with the Alzheimer's moods.

So I will be checking email and I will have internet access, even though we are traveling and cruising, I still have to work. Someone has to earn money and I am fortunate that I was able to build an online working career before mom needed me. So I will be working while on the cruise, but it should be a great time.

Stay strong and have a very blessed day!!

What kind of dysfunction is this?
I have a brother, who doesn't seem to react, interact with many things regarding the family. He's the youngest amongst we four siblings. He is rather on the spoiled side, too, by our mother. For example, he had a daughter many years ago when he was only 18 yrs. old. He basically got this girl pregnant, a first girl friend. Because of some lame pressure by our mother at the time, he did marry this girl and they had a daughter. Of course by a year and a half later he was talking of divorce of which they did a short time later. Throughout his daughter's childhood, he really didn't look out for her. It was always my mom (grandmother) who posed as the mom on weekends my brother was supposed to be taking care of the daughter as a result of a custody arrangement. This has been the pattern with my brother throughout all of his daughter's life. She's now approaching 40 yrs. old. They really don't have a real relationship.

Now with my mom's ALZ, whenever issues between siblings have surfaced, this brother never has any real input regarding what's going on. He does show up, as when we've decided to meet to discuss something, but never really has anything to say. He behaves as if he can't wait to get out of the meeting, is the best way to describe his behavior. I'm wondering what kind of category would he fall into, if anyone knows what to call it? He is also a quiet guy by nature. Margeaux

Dkjell - I went to Cairns Australia and our group took the Barrier Reef tour. I wanted to drop out but it was all prepaid and mandatory. I took the ginger pill because I've never been on a real boat/ship on a real ocean. Sigh...The minute the ship moved, I was seasick, motionsick, whatever...I was so disoriented. I was on deck and the waves were splashing me. So, I wanted to go to the middle of the deck. And found out that I couldn't stand up! So, I started crawling on my hands and knees, dragging my bag with me. This lady was lying on deck sleeping/tanning. I said, "Excuse me." When she opened her eyes, I said, "I'm seasick and can't stand up. I need to get to the middle of the deck. Can I go over you?" She actually nodded! So, I literally crawled over her, sat beside her and did my best Not to Look Up! I spent the whole one hour boat ride (well, felt like an hour) shivering, wet and needing to pee really really badly. Good thing I had my books with me. I pulled out one and read it the whole time. I did the underwater submarine thingy. Then the return ride back to land, I decided to spend it belowdeck. I tell you! That was much much better than being above deck! I still had to read the whole time, but it wasn't as bad as above. I swore after that tour to never ever go on a boat, ship or cruise.

Margeaux, your brother is a loner. He has no interest at all about these family meetings. I mean really, when you have it, do you really get anything out of it? Look at the example of you all agreeing no surgery for mom. Then sis goes and does it without telling you all. So, why the need for meetings? It's a waste of time. It's like the saying, you can drag a horse to the water trough, but you can't force it to drink. Your brother has no interest in things, so why do you all try to force him to "pretend" to do so? He had a child. He showed no interest. Not Everyone has a heart or could be a mother or a father. I never wanted children since I was age 19. When I had a hysterectomy due to medical reasons, I was worried that I might have been fooling myself that I wanted no children. (I spent weeks of research on my medical problem, the solutions, etc..Hyster was one of the solutions. Read enough info that a lot of women Regretted not having children After they had the hyster.) I'm glad to say that I did NOT feel any remorse or sadness that it was taken out. Whew!! But just because I never wanted children wouldn't stop me from caring for them. Your brother may not have that "paternal" instinct in him. ...Or...your mom spoiled him rotten and he has grown up only thinking of himself. Hard to say....

Bookluvr, I can certainly understand your fear. Me, I just almost drowned when I was 10, I prefer to feel the ground under me when I get into a pool and I can even swim a bit. I just need the ship to be big for me to get on, I can't do a rowboat or anything small like that. Sounds like you had an awful trip.

Margueax, without looking in my Psychology book it would be hard to say what your brother is, but it sounds like he does what he wants and has no worries about anyone else.

I have a sister that my mom rarely hears from and she really has no input into mom's care or otherwise. She doesn't even bother to come see her mother except perhaps twice a year.

Some people are just worried about themselves. Families are full of all kinds of dysfunctions. I look over my many cousins and because both of my parents came from large families I have loads of them. They are full of all kinds of weird dysfunction.

It sounds to me like perhaps you should try making decisions without him and see what reaction he has. Sometimes you have to change the method to get their attention. Or react differently in the past, so perhaps since he is not giving input just exclude him for a change. This is how we handle my husband's psycho ex-wife, we changed the way we reacted to her and she did not know how to handle it.

Bookluvr,

My sister did inform us of the surgery once she determined that mom was experiencing too much consistent pain, nausea and very little appetite. Even though I've had my conflicted feelings about it of which I wrote about, she also expressed that she really didn't want to put mother through this procedure on account of her age.

Regarding my brother, we aren't trying to force him to pretend to do so. This is more of an observation on our parts about him and trying to see why it is he behaves this way. In our family, In all fairness,I don't think it would be a wise thing, to not at least allow the siblings to come and at least listen to what is being discussed about our mother, even if they have nothing to say about it.

I know many times I feel as I do with the unfairness part when I've written about the fact that sometimes my sister doesn't share things until after the fact, and yes this does make me annoyed. I still however always try to bear in mind the other side of the coin so to say, that she does have her hands full living with mom, and many times in the moment of the immediacy of decisions to be made possibly can't do all of the protocols that would take place under more unstressful circumstances.

Hope all is well with you, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

dkjell,

My brother does come to visit mom more than your sister dies.
Neither of my brothers do the hands on work with mother. I being the other sister in the picture am the only sibling who comes to relieve my sister for the actual care of our mother.

As I wrote to Book, I was wondering more in the sense of emotionally speaking, if anyone had a label for this kind of behavior? I think it comes also from the fact that our father was this way. Truth be told, I think many men fall into this category, of not expressing their feelings. Even so, I would never preclude any sibling from a meeting as such about our mother's health. Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

Where are you, I hope things are going well with you.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux~I'm floating around, not feeling too well especially Sun/Mon...lightheaded. I'm not sure if it is because I stopped taking prempro cold turkey, but have been having hot flashes/nightsweats so I started back on it. I'm feeling a little better after 5 days of being back on it...just making sure I'm hydrated too. Talk more later...hugs to all

Margeaux, I am sure there is some term for it, but unfortunately I am not near my books. I have spent a lot of time studying Psychology and have a book, but right now I am not near it.

What I can say is that women are always more of the caregiver than men, but before the men caregivers give me a hard time please do not take this wrong. There are some men that do step up and care, but for years women tend to be the one the raise the children while the men work. This has been the standard for society for a long time.

Now some men are staying at home and caring for their children versus women, but the statistics show that women are usually the ones taking care of those that are sick.

And many men do not show their feelings, but it is also possible that he simply does not care. I am sorry, but sometimes I wonder if one of my sisters truly cares about mom. I have a sister that rarely calls and when she does visit she does her best not to spend time with mom. I mean I really have to go out of my way to piss her off to get her to sit and play a game with mom.

So I wonder if Sharon really cares, if so she has a funny way of showing it. So it is hard to say without having a professional probably talk with him and tell you.

I am trying to read everyone's post here but there is so much going on here so I am going to add my 2 cents.

dkj~The family dynamics and your mom's wishes the no one be in her house requires you do change the locks. It sounds like you have covered all the bases. Just a thought regarding your mother's possessions. My husbands grandmother told the family that they could put their name, date and tape it to items they wanted that belonged to her. This worked very well for them and when she passed away, everything was divided up by who had their name on it. She told them this many years before she developed Alzheimer's.
Letmebe~It is advisable not to live in the same home as an abusive parent who has always been abusive. I suggest you take her out to look at apartments or on tours of assisted living communities to help drive the point home with her. You can also call the state for a social worker to come take with your mother giving her options. Others on this site have done that.
Bonnie~How is your mom doing? I saw the discussion thread you started about your neighbor. What a sad situation for the mother. Glad you are helping!!
Margeaux~As far as your brother is concerned, I really don't know what to tell you other than he may be a loner so he appears indifferent. It could be that since you say your mother spoiled him, that the situation with your mother is too hard for him to deal with so comes across as indifferent or if the personality disorder was passed to him that could come into play. I am thinking that since he comes to the family meetings, he must want to know what is going on, I would think if he just didn't want to be bothered, he wouldn't come. Has he always been like this? Does he feel accepted or does he have control issues? Maybe he is looking for attention...I really don't know. You know his personality. My brother tends to go along with what my sis and I suggest regarding our mom's care, but he will give suggestions on other issues not regarding her care plus he is supportive of what we decide on mom's care. My eldest brother is completely indifferent, he has a lot of anger issues regarding our dad, that blew me away since my other brother, sis and I all have had issues with mom. My eldest brother will talk with my sis and brother and recently he told my sis he does not really remember me!!! Wow...that really hurt because I made a strong effort to connect with him 3 years ago asking to have a relationship with him and he was not interested. I decided it was for the best since his wife's brother attempted to molest me when I was 14 and they have a relationship with him. My father used this information against my brother on one of their trips to visit my brother in Montana because they got into a huge fight. My brother tried to strangle my dad. They came home early from their vacation and my dad was very hoarse and had marks on his neck. They fled during the night. I know that my parents were as much at fault for this fight but it was the straw that broke the camels back regarding their relationship...unfortunately, I was drug into the middle of it because of the situation with sil's brother.

Physically I am starting to feel better, I think the light headedness was due to dehydration...it is very hot here, we had no spring this year, it's in the 90's already. All the aches, fatigue, hot flashes are from stopping the prempro.
I had lunch with mom on tuesday, spent 2 hours with her, we went for a walk with the dog and just had quality time together. She had the community call me last night but I was at work, so I will call her tonight. My brother said he was going to see her yesterday so I hope he did. Mom is still not very sociable in the memory care unit, some of it is because some of the people there are more advanced than she is and they are suppose to be matching her up with people who are compatible but mom is hard to get to know because she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her and just her personality...she will seek out people who she may be comfortable with but they may not match her abilities. Gotta go change the water over at mom's house. Just to say, I am still running back and forth which I don't see ending, I guess it is my new normal. Taking mom to the dr. next week to check her ear, she says it feels like something is in it..maybe a plug of ear wax?? Hugs to everyone, take care!!

.

Sharyn, when you have time, how does one change the water from one's house?
You mentioned some things to Margeaux that I didn't think of. If brother is still coming, then he is still interested. However, I would still be attending even if I don't care to anymore. But if one of my siblings stopped going, I would too. So, it's hard to say. I guess the best thing to do is just ask him or just leave it be. Go with the flow...

Book~I guess I just assumed people would know what I meant, Lol!!! I was watering mom's flower beds and I had to go change the hose from one spot to another, Hahaha!! I agree, that with Margeaux's brother, it is best to leave him be unless he brings up some issues. Just include him, talk with him about his life or interests and leave it at that. Sorry for the confusion, I was in a hurry but you made me laugh when I realized it was a statement others wouldn't understand and I needed to laugh at myself...sometimes I'm just too serious.Love you Book and hugs to you!!

You gals are so great. I don't know if I can spill this can of beans or not on this thread...My neighbors who brought the recently widowed mom from FL here in late Nov or maybe even Dec....I've been worried about.
Well, her daughter and family gave her the heave-ho in a not very pleasant way last Sunday pm.
That SIL is a real stinker. He is so belittling!
Now the lady is saying she is giving up and returning to FL to live with her other daughter (4 daughters in total) in Florida. Unfortunately, that daughter has financial issues and health issues (throat cancer? maybe) and a 20 yr. old son with mental issue and a 16 yr. old who wants nothing more than to smoke funny stuff and leave home asap...That daughter, Mo, has borrowed so much on her little 900 sq. ft house that she is under the gun to the tune of $1000 a month so can't afford that as she makes less than $20,000 a year...so she is looking at bankruptcy soon...but if her mom moves back to Florida to live, then "mom" can help her out by paying rent and staying in the living room or on the porch(?) where the 6 cats have their litter box. Mom/Elaine is allergic to cats.
sounds just awful to me. After exercise this morning we had coffee and discussed the decision she has "made",.. previously she/Elaine has said she has a history of making bad decisions and I said, this in one more you are making.
She could stay at the senior apartments here and get on with her life but she seems so determined to need to feel cared for or to be needed.
She was going to go to the church this afternoon for a counseling session. Pray for the best.
At this point she really hates her sil as he has been such a jerk (telling Elaine's family that he only agreed to have her move here as he was promised she would die very soon).
What an example of family values!
Yet, listening to all of my new Agingcare friends. and offering all I can to support Elaine in any attempt to live on her own...well, it is her choice and her decision to move from a very supportive environment to the throws of mental illness and bankruptcy.
She continues to make bad decisions which is really too bad.
Hugs Sharyn and Book, et al. Thanks for asking.
Bonnie

Bonnie~Sounds like your neighbor's mother is making a decision on emotions rather than one that will be beneficial to her well being. I hope it all works out and that the counseling session helps her.

We went to exercise class this morning and only on the way home did I ask about the session yesterday. She did attend and will go again next week.
Thanks for asking.
How is your mother doing? How are You doing?
Are you back at work?
Bonnie

Bonnie~Thanks for asking about my mom. She is doing as well as can be expected right now. She doesn't like being tied up in the Expressions program from 8:30-6 everyday because she can't be with her dog during that time. I understand why she can't have the dog with her (the dog will bark if she is not the center of attention) and mom needs to develop relationships with others that the dog won't interfere with. Other than that she is eating good, sleeping well and the fact that she is starting to complain (normal for her) she is slowly adjusting. We had lunch on Tuesday, went for a walk with the dog and just hung out for about 2 hours. I will see her again tomorrow.
I am doing ok. Today was a good day, I felt good, laughed and joked at work. I still have times when I am very sad and weepy. My attachment to mom's house is not just about a structure, it is about my whole family, so that is still very hard. I printed out forms for FMLA (to care for a family member). These seem to be most appropriate from the choices available and I will call corporate on Monday to make sure as I have an appt. Wed. for mom and I can give them to the dr. then.

I hope your mom is recovering well and that everythings works out for the best with your neighbors mother. How are you doing while all this is going on around you? Hugs to you and enjoy the weekend!

for some reason I am not getting post either from my email or the news feed.

Austin~I have had the problem of not getting updates sent to me via email and I sent an email to the admins. They fixed it in about a week. Check the email address you have listed for this site under your public profile, the admins left me a message there saying I needed to update my email address.

Sharynmarie,

You know how you have written about your sister at times, then later I think I get the feeling you do feel for her situation also. Well, this is how I feel about my brother. I did write about his past, when he was quite young and unfortunately didn't take responsibility in the emotional sense w/his first daughter from a pregnancy. He did however financially support this daughter.

He is the brother who is married to the awful SIL, who I'm sure is a narcissist.
They have two grown daughters, She's done everything to alienate his daughter's feelings against my brother. This is much like the behavior that our own mom did towards my sister and myself when it came to our father. In hindsight, mother made sure in her mind, we didn't get close to dad.
But I'm not sure if our mother did this to our two brothers. They've of course never commented on this. I think too, many times when mothers do this to children, they will especially target the females. It's as if on account of our gender, we automatically become a threat against them, in some kind of weird competition for the father's affection. What dishonor they commit on a lot of people.

Our youngest brother also, had "golden boy," to contend with. My parents put him on such a pedestal, I wonder what this factor could have played emotionally upon our youngest brother. I'm sure this must have done a number on his self esteem. I know what the favoritism towards my sister, by our dad, did to mine. He's not what I'd consider a loner, but he has always been quiet. He is responsible though especially w/in his own family. He also did lot's of labor on mother's and her sister's rental properties that were in utter disrepair the last few years, and why? Because "golden boy," who previously had POA, for mom and our aunt, did nothing, and took money from them. So I wouldn't want to make my youngest brother sound like some complete lump.

I'd written before that he was terminated from a job he'd had for 29 yrs., his last day was this week. So then my sister called me to say she'd been talking to him.
My sister and brother have had on and off tension recently, and at the root of it, is the SIL, (his wife). But she did say that they'd talked and he admitted to her that his job termination is affecting him emotionally. I was actually,, shocked that he admitted this to my sister. But I am rather glad that he is doing this, because in this sense and under this circumstance, we are concerned for him. It's difficult to gage people's behavior, when all one has known of them is one way of dealing with issues. Then when it's about emotions, OH! It can get murky and complicated. But thank you for the variety of suggestions you made in your post about this. My sister and me are concerned about him. I do have to remind myself also, with some people who do have a hard time either being more verbally expressive, then one must look at other things they've done and realize we don't all express in the same manner.

I'm very happy to hear that you're feeling better. Yes, the temps have warmed up the last week. Oh! The hydrating, it's very under rated. I really have to do this, especially for the sinuses. I'm positive that "golden boy," experienced this when mom was in for her surgery and he ended up in the ER. He said he had a huge soft drink, the night before. Then, next morning he did hard yard work for two hours, and then made himself a huge black coffee. He's a huge guy too over 200 lbs. So one can imagine why his poor body was trembling by the time he made it to the hospital for mom's surgery. You can stay hydrated also by eating all the watery fruits, and veggies. Mangoes and cucumbers are great, as well as others.

It's good that you can spend quality time with your mom. Hopefully, she'll meet some compatible seniors at the AL, soon.
Take care of yourself, and you're in my thoughts! Much Love & Light, Margeaux

Bonnie,

This is a sad story about your friend Elaine. This is terrible the daughter and that sil, did the heave ho. Poor woman, she's attached to the idea that family is going to provide for her. But that description of living on a porch w/cats, what is that all about?

I think this is a sad and interesting phenomena. Remember I've posted about my neighbor, who I've helped since her daughter pretty much only throws her mother a bone every now and then. Her daughter lives close by, in the neighboring town to her mom's. The daughter runs a pre-school in our town. My neighbor has had several health issues just after Jan. of 2013. She's had 3 different procedures done. The excuse from my neighbor about her own daughter's lack of participation, has been that her daughter is too busy w/work. She is also finishing up a Master's program in her education. Anyway, I and another friend of our neighbors have been the ones who have taken her to the procedures. I've checked in on her, and made her meals, or have done shopping for her, while she was recuperating. In all of that time, I hardly every heard my neighbor say, that she even got a phone call from her daughter. She also has a son that lives in another state, and he rarely emails his mother.

The other day, I was having coffee w/her. I couldn't believe it when she said to me, in a rather sheepish manner, her daughter had called her. Of course, I never make remarks to my neighbor about her own daughter's lack of concern. But then my neighbor did say, "I haven't heard a thing, from my son." She then went on to say something like, "well, they (her kids) never got the example from me, since I never took care of my parents." So in other words, my neighbor likes to let her kids off the hook. My neighbor is from Holland, so how was she supposedly to set this kind of example for her kids, her parents lived, and then passed away there. It's bad enough, she doesn't get any attention by either of her kids, then it's as if she's taking some kind of blame for it. I did say something to the effect that I think no matter what, children should be there, and at least be emotionally supportive towards their elders. This lady raised her two ungrateful kids on her own too, amidst lot's of financial/emotional struggle, w/little to no support from their fathers.

This is a very sad commentary about our society, about how some children don't even have the decency to at least call, or write, as in this case.

I hope for your friend's well being, she makes the right choice for herself. In this case, she'd better become selfish.
It's good for a helpful, and kind friend such as yourself. Kudos to you, Bonnie.
Elaine would be better off in an AL.

How is your mother doing?
Take care, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Shwarry thank you for the information -I am now getting the newesline

Just back from an all -day contest. History Day, WA State where middle school and high school students compete in many different formats on a local, regional, state and where the winners go the DC for the National History Day judging.
I was a preliminary judge (morning sessions) for Senior Exhibits and then in the afternoon for one more competition between the winners for the Final State winners. It was so interesting! Really enjoyed seeing all these bright eyed students eager to tell about their work and why they chose such topics. If you are ready for some great vibes, look at the website www.NationalHistoryDay.org
or www.NHD.org.
Sure was great seeing happy parents with excited students and very proud teachers and working together. It will make you smile!
Anyway, updates on my friends:
1. Mom is doing better and better. Didn't think about he stairs when she said she took a shower and washed her hair two days after returning from Rehab. (Andrea there to help). So that proves she can get up the stairs so maybe as the hip heals she will not need the chair lift thing! Yeah Mom!
2. Neighbor Elaine...Haven't talked since yesterday after exercise class. Will see her for church tomorrow so if she wants to delve into the pros and cons of moving back to FL, I'll be glad to listen.
3. Friend Lynn in MD with the intestinal/dementia/alcohol problems. She sounds better on the phone but I just can't tell how crazy she is in reality. She talks about going to visit her mother but hasn't been there since the move from AL to NH which had to have been in about Jan/Feb. Each evening she says she is going to get dressed and out to do errands the next day...but next evening/afternoon, she post pones that going out again. I don't know if she is getting dressed at all. Can't tell what is the truth any more. And worse is I can't find out from anyone. Just pray her husband is watching out for her and that he will see to some treatment(wishful thinking, I'm afraid).

Thanks Margeaux for your fine suggestions. And Sharyn, so very glad things are working with your Mom. How have the conversations been going? any more nice things to say to you?
Of course, the house is full of memories and very importantly, the "home base" of family. I just know it will be awful when Mom dies/moves to NH as I think of her home as my home in so many ways. Too many to even start thinking about now. As I'm on a high note with the day of History judging, I'll not go to the place where the house starts to represent our families. But I know just what you mean.

xxoo,
Bonnie

Margeaux~I certainly understand your concern for your brother. You know his personality and for me to to just give you one thing or another that could be going on with him when you know what his normal is, is very hard to do. I have told you about my brother, he is very supportive of what my sister and I decide regarding mom. He has a health issue that has left him with 60% lung capacity, his mil has lung cancer and the tumor is not shrinking with chemo, his step son is on hospice. My sister sometimes feels he needs to do more to help us with mom and I agree, he could visit my mom more than he does, but sis feels he should be dealing with more of the hard stuff too. I don't think my brother can emotionally deal with my mom because she is not easy to spend time with, all she does is complain and obessess (sp?) about money. My experience with men is that they don't do feelings well and they don't like complaints. My sister means well, but she just feels he could handle more. I feel my brother has enough to deal with already and just encourage him to visit mom as much as possible. As I stated with your brother, he cares or he wouldn't show up to the family meetings. His financial security is gone...that is a hard blow for anyone to take...but for men, I think it is even harder because so much of their identity is involved in what they do for a living than with women. The trend of downsizing, cutting back on employees...employees who are doing the job of 2 people with no raise...no praise. The job market is really tough. Margeaux, back in the early 90's and thru the 90's many people were living high on the hog with both husband and wife working full time. I know we were. Our income level has dropped significantly from what we were making in the 90's and it's not just because I lost my full time job of many years, it's because my husband has had to take pay cuts, start paying out of pocket for health insurance. My heart goes out to your brother and I can certainly understand a big part of what he is feeling being out of a job of many years of employment and loyalty to. Hugs to you and your brother's family!!

Bonnie~What a great day you had, I agree that it is wonderful to be around, witness, students who are thriving, and enjoying their education. You really have full life and I admire that about you...especially that you give so much of your self and time while balancing it all out!! I must say that from what you have posted about your mother, I am not surprised that she is doing so well, but I am very happy. Your mom sounds like she enjoys life as you do. I hope Elaine continues with the counseling at the church so she can make a wise decision for her benefit. Hugs to you for all you do!!

I have had every other day off this week and today I was off. I spent all day at mom's, went there at 9am to prune all the roses in the back yard. I am a garden fanatic so I am very particular on how roses are pruned and my mom's yard man apparently just uses electric shears to shave them.....no no no!!! Hahaha!! I hand pruned all the roses in the back yard which took all morning. My dad, (as many of you know, was from N. Ireland, so Irish/English rose gardens are very common), loved roses and has many roses planted in the front and back yard. I was not able to prune the front because the yard waste can provided by the city is almost full and they city will only pick this up twice a month:-(!! My hope is that by pruning them properly (my issue of perfectionism), the roses will be blooming beautifully when we put the house on the market. Sis showed up around 10am, we had the heating/air company out to service everything today. Hubby called me around noon, he had assembled the small dinette/2chairs we ordered for mom's apartment and was ready to deliver it. We met him there and brought it up to mom's apartment while hubby finished assembling it. The receptionist told sis and I when we walked in that Midget (the dog) had chewed through the leash and when the aides took her for a walk earlier today, she broke loose from the leash. I knew it was not the leash she chewed through but the harness. We checked all this out when we met hubby at her apartment. It was the harness she chewed through. When we finished at her apartment, we went to Petsmart, bought a new harness, more Greenies and went back to mom's house. We spent the afternoon going through her bedroom sorting things out and looking for a $1,000 cash we know is floating somewhere in that house, we counted it out about 6 weeks ago,which we decided together was best to leave it for the time being (knowing that we were going to move mom)...now we can't find it!! There is a metal box that is locked but we can't find the key to open it...we may have to bring in a locksmith if we can't find more keys. We did find many plastic bags rubber banded together, containers that were originally for other things that mom saved and put random things in it. So typical of the depression era folks...never throw anything out....recycle it for something else even if it is not necessary the best way to store certain products. We laughed, we cried, we found notes mom has written and rewritten with instructions on taking her OTC vitamins...a.m....p.m....Warnings to stay out of her belongings because she does not go through yours so why are you going thru mine. We boxed up 2 boxes with toilette paper, poise pads, her kitchen telephone, cushions for the 2 kitchen chairs and headed back to her apartment to resupply her, change the phone brother brought over to the phone she has been using at her house. We put the new harness and leashed up the dog taking her for a walk. We stayed until they brought mom back from the memory unit for the night and visited with her for about an hour. I texted my son because he has been trying to call her but said the phone just rings and rings. I told him it is because grandma unplugs everything things she is paying for the electricity and everything else out of pocket. He called her while we were there and had a nice talk. Mom has received 2 cards,one from her neice and one from a former co-worker...both living in PA. After visiting with mom today, it became apparent to me that the only thing holding her back from total acceptance is the financial end of who is paying for this. She said she can't stay here because she will be broke in no time, then she would talk about meeting her neighbors and was happy. Sis and I left around 7:20pm. A very long day, and kudos to my sister because I know this is physcially hard on her with her health issues but she is being a trooper by giving up part of her weekend. Hugs to everyone!!

((((((hugs))))) to all. I think I am burned out from the long winter here. Finally the snow had nearly gone from the lawns.

Sharyn -so glad the move has gone pretty smoothly. Sounds like your mum is adjusting pretty well. I can understand that you are having emotions about packing up your mum's house. I had to get stuff out of mother's apartment quickly, and wish I had given more away at the time. I still have a few boxes of basically decorative things that I don't know what to do with. I am sure you are tired after it all. Pruning roses, oh my. One son chopped them off in front so they didn't hang over the lawn when he mowed. G has chopped them off on the other side so they don't hang all over the deck. Fortunately they are shrub roses and grow quickly. I should get out and prune them properly from the inside. They bloom on old wood so you have to be careful. Irish/English rose gardens are a tradition and are beautiful!
Margeaux - I am glad your mum's surgery went well. She should be much more comfortable by now, though she may have difficulty with some foods. Your brother really did a number in himself having to go to the ER. It sounds like he is not very good at looking after himself.
Austin -glad you are getting notices now
book - had your dad settled down at all? How are your health issues?
Bonnie -you have a lot going on. Hope Elaine gets set up in a good situation. You must have constant worry about your friend Lynn. Sounds like your mum is doing very well - good for her. She has a great attitude!!!, I like stairs myself, even though my knees don't sometimes, but going up and down is a form of exercise -especially when I do the laundry in the basement and forget something on the second floor.
letmebe1 - you are right about considering moving a parent from a dysfunctional family into your own home. I am glad you set some limits and have told her to move out. It really is too much!!! I refused to take mine in. Has she found somewhere?
dkjellander - how are things working out?
Iwentanon - I agree about the keys and the greedy sibs. ugh!!!

I am back in email contact with mother. I can tolerate the repetitiveness, complaining and paranoia but will cut her off again if she gets abusive. She was thinking that she was being overcharged for something, but her financial advisor and I looked into it and all is well. She seems to be accepting it, even though she doesn't quite believe it, She agrees that it is a good idea for me to be on her bank accounts - big surprise - though it does open the door to accusations of me taking advantage. I know her financial advisor will back me up if that happens. One step at a time. I can always take my name off her accounts if it gets too difficult. So far she manages her finances well, but at her age (101 this month) anything can happen anytime. She is a careful spender in general, other than feeling she has to buy things at expensive places -e.g. $250 for a pair of slacks from a high class store. It is the elitism of the BPD. But her clothes last her a long time and she doesn't have too much clothing so it is really not an issue.
Nothing new from my daughter - got an email - same old same old, so I am laying low right now. I will do something for the grandkids' birthdays. I am seeing a bit of the oldest grandson as he is old enough to be his own man, G and I are going away to BC again soon - him on business and we will work in a visit to a friend's for the weekend. We will see flowers!!! Can't wait. Someone from years ago reconnected with me on face book. It was great hearing from her and she has invited me to stay which is handy as it is near Edmonton where mother is and I need to go to the bank with mother to get my name on her accounts. I am looking forward to catcging up with her. She lost 2 kids - 2 of her 4 daughters and has a picture of Gordie and her 4 girls when they were all young. As she said, it is hard to believe that 3 of the 5 have gone. She and her hubby are going on a cruise to Alaska and would love G and I to join them. Coincidentally we were thinking about it so maybe it will happen. I can dream!!! Sunlight is calling. It is 77 here today and little cloud or wind!!! Likely BC will be cooler and wet. Take care all -

Joan~Glad to hear you are getting away again, and seeing some flowers!! A cruise sounds nice and hope you are able to coordinate that with your friend. I am glad your mother has a financial planner to help you out if your mom should make accusations. My brother and sil went on a cruise to Alaska last year for their 25th anniversary and love it!! When I went to Ireland, every house had roses...it is a tradition. My dad love his garden! The roses in the back yard are a hedge rose, and as you said, they grow quickly like hybrid tea roses/shrub roses.
As you and everyone else know, my mom will never be completely happy anywhere due to her personality disorder, but overall she is thriving and adjusting. It know she will not admit it, but she enjoys the attention from others, social aspect, and the attention toward her cute little poodle.

have a good week everyone!!

Joan it sounds like your life has calmed down -it is so comforting to have someone special in our lives who care for us and about-I did not have that really ever with the husband-he thought he owned me and whatever happened it was my fault-I found out after he died he had said inappropiate things to other women.