The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

golden - oh goodness, were you in Fort Mac? Yikes, that must have been scary! We were choked out by the smoke here last summer, but the wildfires themselves didn't come close enough to harm us. I just realized if you are in Ed, you are not to far away from my BFF's oldest son, DIL, and their babe! How cool is that? (Canada - so big, yet so small, lol!) They moved to Fort Mac for work, but ended up in St. Albert after the fire.

I adore Ms. Atwood, I gotta say. By chance, my stepmom brought a book of her short stories home from the library when I was 15, and I was instantly hooked on the "weird". Laura Ingalls Wilder - I did like her books when I was a kid, but I came to them from the TV show, which I ADORED! I sooooo desperately wanted "Pa" and "Ma" to be MY Pa and Ma!

glad - I had to look up goatheads, and I'm glad I did, because I was ALMOST picturing some weird pagan ritual happening on your air mattress, lol!

veronica - your realtor's rival furtively puncturing the air mattress is worthy of a movie scene!

Becky - totally agree with you about a positive attitude attracting positive people! But also....I wouldn't say a negative attitude pushes positive people away either - positive people, in my experience, seem to try to encourage positivity in everyone.

I was mad at a few of my friends for a little while, for seemingly "abandoning" me when I started caregiving for my mom. But recently I've realized I've been the one in retreat, sort of pushing them away myself. So I'm trying to make an effort to re-connect. It's challenging to do, 'cause I feel a bit of shame in realizing I'm the one who abandoned them, not the other way around!

Well, speaking of light and positivity, I have enjoyed this sunny window enough for the day, and I guess I better go check on my Ma, lol.

Glad your new home sounds very exciting. I have never had one of those. the oldest one we ever owned was built in 1700.
If you don't need another twin bed put the one you have with the head in a corner facing the door with plenty of pillows. then fill the rest of the room with chairs etc. A plant real or fake on a table by the window set up with a chair as a casual desk with stationary and an open book with glasses laid on it.

Love - prayers for you. and sympathies in the death of your brother. Let us know how you are doing.

dori -yes, Fort Mac. I went through the whole nine yards of being evacuated north, on my own, as R was in the south, kids went north to different places. It was scary at times. People here were a great support. Still here, but looking at moving to Ed unless R gets a job here again. I lived in St Albert for years before moving up here. It is a small world. We stay in Stony Plain when I go down as I was stayed there during evac. The only Atwood I have enjoyed was her short stories, I could never get into the other ones, but happened upon some short stories and was enthralled. She wrote one about the cats in the alleys in Italy who are fed on spaghetti and who are wan, and one day don't appear. I was there and it was so true. It touched me. Glad you are trying to reconnect with friends.

50schild - I missed responding as I was in transit. You sound very stressed about your sister, with reason. Please look after you, as you support her, while she goes through medical procedures.

veronica - that sounds lovely!!! A daybed! The oldest house I have stayed in had parts built in the 1400s (St Andrews) . A 1700 year old house would have wonderful atmosphere and be challenging at the same time.

Cooking hot italian sausages in a tomato sauce for supper.

Dori, no the pagen rituals on the air mattress must have been in a previous life! LOL!

Veronica, the reading spot sounds absolutely heavenly! I am going to have a sewing room too. I'll get back to it yet. Maybe I should start with a quilted duvet. A beautiful pattern in the window of the quilt shop here!

My oldest house was 1896, the one where I had the fire 3.5 years ago now. Just doesn't seem at all possible. So much has happened in that 3.5 years. Lots of loss, then rebuilding, taking my time, being patient with myself, and finding my way.

Love you all so much! Couldn't have done it without those that were here through the most difficult of those times! I appreciate all the support you all have provided much more than you could possibly understand!

Glad, I hope building a new house works out for you. A sewing room would be great! Best wishes.

Dori, Love Margaret Atwood. - read The Handmaid's Tale back in the mid 80's when it came out. I loved the first movie of the book with Faye Dunaway and Robert Duvall - he was creepy. I've got a complete set of Laura Ingalls Wilder. I've reread them a couple of times. I went to the museum in South Dakota. Having said that, I didn't like the TV series. How's Bruce? Hope you're enjoying a quiet weekend at your apartment.

Welp....I just destroyed the "quiet weekend at home" thing by finally dragging out my guitar. Bruce lost his sh** when I started playing some chords, and ran off to hide in a corner. I realized that, because I only adopted him since I've been staying at mom's, he's never actually heard a real guitar before! I haven't been able to practice or even just mess around at mom's. And....I can't even remember the last time I played for fun. My other cat, Carmella, was in her glory though. She kept jumping up beside me and then jumping down to rub my leg, as if saying, "We're REALLY home now!"  My fretting hand sure hurts right now, though!  Lol. 

golden - I don't think I've read that one! Do you remember which book of short stories it was in? The first Atwood short story book I read was Dancing Girls. That must have been super frightening trying to get out of FM on your own! And with all your family in different places. Yikes! Did you drive out on your own or go with a group?

Becky - I read it in the '80s too....it's weird to me that it's taught in high schools now!  (Good but....weird.)  I saw the movie a few times, it was pretty good too....love Natasha Richardson as Offred, and Aidan Quinn is totally my Nick, no matter who plays him elsewhere. Have you seen the new series, with Elizabeth Moss? It was pretty awesome! One of the best things is how they had the time to flush out some of the other characters' stories.  I've seen it 3x through now. They completed the book in the 1st season; I don't know what they are going to do after that, but it should be interesting....I always tried to imagine what came next! Oh, and Margaret Atwood has a cameo as one of the Aunts!

Well, it's just turned 9 here and I haven't even eaten yet, so I better get off my duff and go make something!

Glad, very exciting having a house built! I hope the wait isn’t too long. Picking out your choice of counters, cabinets, flooring and paint colors, how fun!!

Dori, sore finger tips? Need to build up those calluses!! Lol!

Golden, weeding out and downsizing is very consuming. A move south would be good and hoping R gets a position there. Sorry you are having flashbacks about your son. I get it. I’ve been have some re my mom’s last days. I think because her birthday was the 6 th. Different circumstances but I can only imagine ((( hugs)))!

Love, so sorry about your brother passing. Yes, if there is dysfunction, it comes out like a waterfall on a spring day when there is a death or other family issue. I hope you continue to post here.

So much going on at work. They transferred the micromanaging co- coworker. I actually feel bad for her because she just can’t accept her part.

Slowly getting over the sinus infection. Temps are mild with highs in the 50’s low 60’s. Very strange because usually there is snow still on the ground in February. Very light snow this winter.

Have a restful weekend everyone.

Other than The Handmaiden's Tale I haven't been able to stomach anything Atwood since being forced to study Surfacing in school - now that I think about it I imagine the novel's theme was not really something that would resonate with teens and I might want to give some of her later works a chance. Back in my day the controversial Can Lit author was Margaret Lawrence, specifically the Diviners - we even had book burnings. I loved her books.

Do, CW - well worth another crack at it, I think. I have a tendency to gallop through her novels and not take them in properly - a bad reader's habit, I hang my head - but you can't do that with anyone who isn't a super writer so it's a compliment really :) And I love her as a speaker, so dry and witty.

My daughter's class was given the Handmaid's Tale. If it wasn't for the epilogue I'd have found the whole thing monstrously depressing and I certainly wouldn't give it to impressionable young people. Horrific!

Margaret Lawrence, eh? Still in print, do you know?

I see that there is a Kindle edition of The Diviners... I've even found a Wikipedia reference to it. I've read all her books (I think), but long ago,  I'm not sure how well they have stood the test of time.

(oops, I've misspelled her last name, it should be Margaret Laurence)

glad -how awesome to start sewing again. Your mother was so talented and she passed it on to you. Maybe you can pass it on to your grands!!! 1896 - the year my father was born. Love you too and am so glad you are away from the twisteds

dori -poor bruce!!! re Fort mac -most of us went in our own cars. The hospitalized and some seniors from the lodges were flown or bussed out . The roads were packed.and also the gas stations. I drove north on my own after lunch, and with a couple of stops, found an oil sands camp about 11 pm. I had started packing the day before as I had a bad feeling about the fire, so I had clothes and meds with me, but never thought of food and water as I planned to drive south, but, by the time I left, our area wasn't allowed south. Have no idea where i read that story - probably in a collection of short stories

sharyn -sorry you are having flashbacks too -no fun, Now R is talking about winters in Mexico. I think he has about had it with winter this year.Me too. The job, if he gets it, is here , He has another interview this week for a job in Kelowna, That would be lovely, but housing is very expensive there. My stuff is becoming less and less important to me. As long as I have my clothes and my computer I don't much care about the rest of it. Maybe I should just get a dumpster. Glad you are getting over the sinus infection,

cw - love Margaret Laurence!!!!

cm - The Diviners: Penguin Modern Classics Edition Paperback – May 16 2017, The Stone Angel: Penguin Modern Classics Edition Paperback – May 16 2017

Fighting a bit of a sore throat, only in the evenings. Zinc lozenges help, thankfully.

Hi All! I am trying to catch up. Just lost a book I was writing have to start over. OH BoYYYYY.
Doriane, I love the holy doodle. I think that was so cute. I get the light aand dark thing. I love the light. I like brightness and I am very nearsighted so it helps when I dont have on my glasses or contacts. My mother also prefers the dark or dimness. Used to hurt my eyes to come in from out side.

Golden, glad your recovery from surgery is good. I like road trips, It feels like therapyt to me. Although I dont like to be so roadshocked that I still see the road coming as i does off to sleep. Rest easy as you catch up.
I was writing this long thesis on how there is a leak in the sewer line. Could be the sewer is backed up but the water pours out of a spot where the line was repaired. Called Neph to see if there was a waranty. This just adds to the build up of frustration on how my mother managed us and her affairs. Coleman the handy man go to for everything is sick for two weeks now. Turns out he didnt replace light in bathroom it was just fine when I came in but next day is was blinking and then I noticed it wasnt changed. I called him about sewer, he says that water got to come out from somewhere if its blocked and told me how to check. I have seen a snake used when guy unclogs the line. C says he cleans his every few months. guess I am going to learn lhow to do.He is still out. there is another gentleman who does work we are good friends, he is a possible boyfriend but he looks like a lil boy, tiny (forgive me) so as much as it seems possible its a no can do for me. But we alway sit and talk he is out on a job I will reach out to him to see if he can show me how to do this or if he is availiable. I would like to reachout to NEp also Its a "good to know" with house stuff I guess.

Becky I hope you are recuperating well from that terrible incident and from your loss. I just got the 100. took for two days now waiting to see effect. The 10 mg had me feeling like a new sprung chicken for a brief minute.

Okay , so I go to gastrology appt when I got off wednesday morn. That went well go endoscopy and colonoscopy set up. Ex is still going to go with me. By the way he doesnt now about sewer stuff.
Then thursday I get up to go for the therapy intake which is when I found leak in the basement. I took shower went up to iron clother overloaded circuit with this cadillac iron I have. its haevy and gets real hot love it (fSh$@K) so when I go to flip circuit breaker I hear rain and investigate and see leak from sewr line and the dirt floor is damp with a few very mild puddles. I tend to ramble on so gettihng back, I go to fix my mother something to eat and when I open fridge freezer I see a freaken roach nest in the crook by the henges. I mean I have never seen anything like this. It freaked me out. Like little brown bubbles and all stages of growth but as just in that little area. Then I could see crawling along the rubbler. I cried in the shower. then I am further frustrated because the combat squeeze thing is not where I left it. nothing ever is. Then I realize all my life I have longed for a normal home. Where things were in order and you could keep going to the same place for the same thing. It was like that when my father was alive but not with my mother. things went where ever she felt at the time. Then I had noticed how she had swept and left a little pile right by the door. which I could never for the life of me understand. I used to buy her the stand up dust pan, one for the back yard dog mess. one for the front and one for the kitchen. she mentioned long time ago that I was so clean they couldnt stand me,( what!!) so now with the dementia, I have to search high and low for a condiment or go buy it to cook. All of that disorder is amplified. And just when it seemed stufff was staying decenta little longer its out of control. I am the onlyone taking out the trash and cleaning and mopping. My sister walks right past the pee and do gives my mother a burger and some of her fries and goes straight up stairs.

Then with my mother, her nature has always been spiteful. Every thing is a conspiracy I have to listen to her sing songabouut what someone had the nerve to do or just did and how they did it. She did this and she did that and wispering tone to look at this or that. I cant help but flash back on how she useed to do this kind of stuff to me. Had my sistre come over asking me what I was doing to her I boo hoo'd that day after a few sultry words. so this care business is wearing me down. I
Then today on the way to work I come to take shower to find stuff like coffee grinds in the sink. My mother never cleaned her bathroom. I used to scrub that black ring around the tub even when I didnt live there or when I did live there and had a working bathroom. That sink was always sow in draining even after work and investigation. I never used it and it baffeled me how my mother would use it leave pieces of toilet tissue on the side where she wipe the film from the water. Well I find the sink filled with something like coffee grinds and a plunger laying across it . I dont know who did it but someone left a nice mess for cinderella.

Well the intake went well. They will present all to the team and decide if they can help me. Same with the wtc program. I was devestated when they turned me down.
I should hear something this week.
To be honest I felt like postphoning the apt. I was tired and stress from those findings in the house what a roach nest and leak in sewer line! I was nervous and happy. I knew it would be hard to explain everything from any point or stage. But I was glad to be on the verge of finally getting help so of course I was a little emotional. I think my eyes were still red from earlier.

I dont know what this life has for me down the road but I have hope that it will get better. For all of us.

I think the stress gives me dyslexia. I just try to get my thoughts down. but its really weird how my spelling gos to pieces as I type my mind. Please pardon the typos.

.gos for goes, does for dose, dang!!!! Its like my brain to head has a totally different English then I have this keyboard that has end right next to enter so I am always having to replace cursor. pardone por favor

Have a good night rays of light peace and love to all.

I wrote an email to Trust Officer just now. I was overly vicious and threatening and I recognize this... I need to chill. But I'm SO ANGRY at them... still. I was pissed. I might copy-paste the email here, only because I think I need to come to terms with how triggered still dealing with *all that* causes me to feel at times. It's not good. I indulged some anger and lots of snark and threats. I know it isn't healthy or right. I know this.

Edit:  deleted the rest.  Sorry.  I'm raw still with this situation and with my own short temper and fatigue these days.  Thanks for understanding.  (((hugs)))  All is well.  I should've showed some restraint.  

Ali,
Seems like they were so close to paying you when they had your Dad sign some papers?

They are stringing you along! Go over their heads Ali. No, higher. Go to the top, who owns the company. Make that the shortest letter, say: Still expecting a check.
Then attach their last 3 correspondence to you, without saying what you did. Let them figure it out.

Sharyn - ooh, yes, fingertips a little, and I DO need to rebuild the callouses....but just my fingers in general. I dragged out the acoustic, because I didn't want to set up the electric. Acoustics are just "stiffer" to play - that's why I switched to electric a few years back. (And electric bodies are smaller, so they just "fit" better.)

cwillie - I loved The Diviners! I didn't have much luck "getting into" Stone Angel though. Maybe I need to give it another go. I think Surfacing is the WORST Atwood book I've read, to be honest! Cat's Eye is my favourite. Also really enjoyed The Robber Bride, Lady Oracle, and The Edible Woman, if you're looking for somewhere to dive in. Her newer stuff tends to be a little "sci fi"-ish.

There is a book....I HAD a copy but I must have loaned it to someone....that's a published series of letters between Margaret Lawrence and Margaret Atwood through the '60s and '70s, a lot of them examining their personal views on women's roles and women's "liberation" as it was called at the time. Damn, I can't even find the title online, so it's probably out of print. But it's really enlightening. Both very interesting women!

CM - I also love Atwood as a speaker! I managed to get a book (Cat's Eye) and a poster (Robber Bride) signed once, but I was intimidated by her intelligence, so I was pretty tongue-tied and said almost nothing! I'm sure I left zero impression. I think Lawrence's Stone Angel is taught in some uni English lit classes, so you might have some luck finding it.

(((((Duck)))))

(((((Ali))))) Just saw your post as I was finishing writing mine....

Well.....I had my very first identifiable migraine yesterday, and it was one of the WORST experiences of my life! I could not move....and I couldn't lie down either, 'cause that made it worse....and I was moaning and groaning and I threw up 4x. NOTHING helped it even a tiny little bit. Truly awful. I think the cats thought I was dying!

I'm pretty sure I got it from starting probiotics. I had taken 2 doses by that point. Afterwards, when I went hunting online, I learned that headache and migraine triggering was indeed a potential side effect. Wish that had been somewhere on the bottle!

(Funny, I've mentioned to 3 people today that I had my first migraine, and every one of them has said, amazed: "It's only your FIRST?" Like, are migraines that common? Or do people go around thinking every headache is a migraine? 'Cause I've had tons of headaches, even when I was a kid, and I've had some DOOZIES. But I've never experienced ANYTHING like that.)

Anyway, I called mom last night and said I wouldn't make it back till morning. Pulled my sh** together this morning and came back with the cats. Then mom - who was TOTALLY AWARE that I was sick and hurting (she even asked how I was feeling) - said, "I'm not going to dialysis. I don't feel like it." We had a few minutes of back-and-forth. I even threatened to call the ambulance. "Go ahead and call them, I don't care," she spat.

Well, I lost my fuse. It was that spoiled little brat voice that set me off. "Excuse ME. I dragged myself out of bed with a head-splitting MIGRAINE, a vomit-inducing MIGRAINE, got myself showered and dressed, got the ice scraped off the car, got myself here in time for YOU, and I feel like HELL, if you want to know. And you're not going because you don't *FEEL* like it? You don't even have to DO anything! You get wheeled to the car and driven to the hospital, and then they wheel you to a couch where you lie around and look at magazines for 4 hours, and then we do the whole thing in reverse. You have to take maybe TEN STEPS the whole day....and you don't *FEEL* like it? I don't THINK so. Now get your parka on, we're leaving!"

OMG. I was so mad. But she didn't protest one bit further, actually! Just sat up on the couch, looked around, and meekly said, "I can't find my shoes."

This side of me is why I never had kids, TBH.  I didn't think it would be fair to inflict myself on innocent children. 

I still feel kinda hellish, but more in a hangover sort of way. My ribs and back are sore! Maybe from throwing up. My neck is sore on the side I had the migraine on. And I've felt sort of "floaty" all day, and definitely feeling a lack of real sleep. I'm about to settle back on my heating pad for a little while.

So....on that note, I hope everyone has a calm, peaceful evening and a lovely night's sleep.

Caregiver award is on it's way!

"Excuse ME. I dragged myself out of bed with a head-splitting MIGRAINE, a vomit-inducing MIGRAINE, got myself showered and dressed, got the ice scraped off the car, got myself here in time for YOU, and I feel like HELL, if you want to know. And you're not going because you don't *FEEL* like it? You don't even have to DO anything! You get wheeled to the car and driven to the hospital, and then they wheel you to a couch where you lie around and look at magazines for 4 hours, and then we do the whole thing in reverse. You have to take maybe TEN STEPS the whole day....and you don't FEEL like it? I don't THINK so. Now get your parka on, we're leaving!"

Lol, holy doodle!

Dori, I went through a few somewhat similar situations with my father. I was taking him to doctor appointments all the time, and often he wouldn't be ready to leave because he hadn't had "proper breakfast," so he needed me to make for him (though he could make his own), or he didn't have his many accessories ready to go with (he's OCD to the nth, so travels everywhere with fanny pack, fisherman's vest, sometimes briefcase).

One morning I was trying to get him in the car for early-early morning surgery and he was insisting on doing all the things I had told him ahead of time that he couldn't do: no water or food after midnight the night before, and leave everything extra at home. He wouldn't comply but I got him in the car and took him into the intake room. He was used to me filling out all his paperwork forms but that morning, I didn't even wait to walk with him to the door. I marched up to counter, told them who he was, and that they could reach me by phone in case of emergency. I walked right back out and drove home. It was what I could do then and there for him, to drop him off. Ask any more of me in that moment and I was going to lose it. He had a very successful outpatient surgery that day. His wallet, and watch, and other things were lost that day, all those things he wasn't supposed to take with him but insisted on taking, and... all that really matters is that he had a great surgery that helped him.

You got her there for her dialysis. Good job. :-) I feel for you, though. 

And I had no idea probiotics could trigger migraines. Holy doodle. o_O  

Sendhelp - I'll start preparing my acceptance speech, lol!

Let's all write out acceptance speeches and then whoever writes the best one wins the title. Although technically I am no longer a caregiver. Do former caregivers qualify Send?

Migraines suck..........I had one last week. Les Miserables for sure!

Oh Ali, I feel your pain. It took me quite awhile (MONTHS) to get mom to accept any kind of schedule for dialysis days. Home support helps at least. And now, at least, we are out the door by 11:30, no matter what. (Bribing her with Tim Horton's drive thru goes a long way.)

Yeah, among the other things probiotics can trigger....and I did a lot of reading before I decided to take them. But I only found that out when I asked Doctor Google directly: "Can probiotics cause headaches/migraines?" And the answer was very firmly yes, it can trigger them!

It's so dumb sometimes, that you have to know what you're looking for (usually through experience) before you can find the information you should have had back when you NEEDED to know it. 

Gershun....really? Like, how did you even cope? Do you get them often?

The only pain I would have put above it is when I had kidney stones and a kidney infection FROM the stones at the same time!  (And the dumb ER doc sent me home with the information that I had a bladder infection....yeah, I almost died that time.) 

I felt like my entire head was being squeezed inside some invisible alien torture vice grip!  Like my skull should be cracking open any minute now.

In my heart, I know this repetitive sh** with mom not "feeling" like going to dialysis is actually my karmic punishment for all the times I skipped school as a 9th/10th grader. So I'm not sure I qualify for an award.

Dori, I think we would've been besties in 9th/10th grade. I was more of a follower, but I liked to follow those fun gals who would convince me to skip a period and go walk the train tracks behind school over to the park. We would smoke cigarettes and that was very, very bad by my private school's standards.  lol

Nothing wrong with gritting your teeth through caregiving duties, saying a few curse words in your head or out loud, depending on the situation.  None of us are/were perfect, but you qualify for Caregiver of the Year if, when you have a migraine, you can just get the things done that need doing without murdering anyone.  

Ha ha, I think you might have found me a very boring skipper-outer buddy, Ali! Grade 9/10 was the point in my mom's drinking RIGHT before I said, "Eff this, I'm going to live with Dad!" (Actually, it was right around spring break, grade 10, when I pulled the cord and called him.)  Plus I was avoiding a big, dumb, physically violent bully named Stella (and her gang of fellow mean girls) at school. I was just miserable at home, and miserable at school.

So mainly I walked around the streets (and alleys) of Vancouver listening to my Walkman! On super rainy days I took change from the laundry jar and rode the buses all day, or went to the public library if there was no laundry change. I don't think I was much fun!  (I could've used a buddy though.)

Lol, plus by grade 10....I was really deep into my progressive/metal phase. Rush, Yes, Iron Maiden, Deep Purple....

....which, oddly enough, is where I am again, ha ha! Except now OTHER people think that stuff is cool, too!

I think what worked this morning is....I was mentally right on the edge of throwing mom over my shoulder and carrying her to my car. And I was in such a foul mood from pain, I had the adrenaline to pull it off. I think her spidey senses picked up on that! :-P

Dorianne I am concerned, since this was your first migraine ever how do you know that's what it was? Please tell your doctor and get a check up.

Dori, they don't mention the side effect of probiotics because not all people have it. If you note it, someone would file a lawsuit or require extra precautions for a dangerous medication....
I have stress migraines and weather migraines. If the barometric pressure changes, I get one. The freight train of cold weather fronts this year has had my husband running for the hills. I congratulate you on your restraint - my statement would have been much more profanity laced.