The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

It takes everything I have to just jump in and try to sound at ease with the struggles all of you so seemingly-light-bendingly come to terms with each day. With humor!?

TOBACCO STRUGGLE$S: I absolutely hated my [undiagnosed BPD/Malignant Narcissist, Beloved] Mother’s addiction to Tobacco. Between that and how she handled my sister’s rape, my brother’s suicide, how she handled conflict, and how she treated my father (from my innocent point of view) – I severed. Yea, right, “You had to.” Thousands of miles. Careful boundaries. Perfectly ok response I have nightmares over to this day.

As I sat with her, Morphine-relaxed, as she died (65-pounds and I didn’t even know because she so believed in masking any discomfort and dressing accordingly), I asked her, “Mom, why do you smoke?” Her answer: “It kind’a relaxes me” (in her Russian intonation).

That was just a few hours before she died. I was mortified, stunned, to hear that Tobacco meant anything other than tormenting others. Something I held against her all my life – turns out it just “relaxed her.” I blew at myself, “Why didn’t I know?” All the pieces of the puzzle were there. From her mentally ill wisdoms: 1. “Never ever use the word “I” in a conversation. 2. You, Miss Veredevere, have no idea of the benefits you have. 3. Wink, smile, joke. 4. “I’m setting the house on fire.” 5. Your brother was an angel [he abused me and yet I have such sorrow for his lost soul].” 6. “We wanted a better life for you.” 7. “I’m leaving (throwing tons of dishes) and you all can go to hell.” Yea Mom, after I struggled for 30 years and you disinherited me and told me I was worthless every time I flew to your house twice a year for two weeks at a time, while managing my declining father’s finances, while pretending all had not changed since you were 25 – yea, I get you wanted a better life, for "me."

But sadly I also get that you were afflicted. I now know why, maybe? WWII. Husband lobotomized. I never had kids. You did. You also had a husband that broke down after having occupied Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and you kept him going in that engineer’s job. Yea Mom, I didn’t have a clue. I forgive you, how I wish I was 60 when I was 30.

Now I’ve gone back to g$%@ therapy, again, so sick of having to do that. Because my sister and beloved partner, are declining. I’m not sure I can face it.

GOLDEN: GO TO MEXICO, please. Blame it on me. Do it for me. People who do better than me make me so mad because they are so well adjusted they can balance things. I can’t. So please GO TO MEXICO for the likes of us. Tell us how it feels, in real emotional detail. Tell us about the looks in your husband’s eyes. Tell us about the pain you feel about it, the abandonment, the snuffing out of your mother’s need for you. Please, ok? Do it for America, as we face what we are facing. After so many needless youthful deaths. Do it to let others know how it feels to reach for breaking away. You will keep the rest of us going. And maybe each of us could make the same promise?

New Person (Sorry I’m writing my draft outside of Aging Care and don’t remember I think it was Kbuse) – I am not a good poster, and I am certainly not the kind of poster that gives stability. But I welcome you. You made my day with what you shared.

I am ashamed for writing all this. So please someone speak to shame. My poor Dad, 96, I can’t even bring myself to phone him. It’s beyond anger. It’s beyond, “Just do it, you’ll feel better.” I feel done. I feel I’ve taken a fairy flight away from the Titanic and I’m leaving struggling souls behind. I love him. I am frozen. He's fine in care. I just am not there.

MAGNUM: Thank you, too, for starting this discussion group. I have been searching Aging Care AND the Internet for that huge list of Bible quotes you had shared regarding how the Bible did not mean for caregivers to sacrifice their own lives. My parents were not religious, yet, religion crept in (grandparents were Anabaptists and Russian Orthodox). Poor souls could not help their torments. If I wasn’t dreaming when I read your Biblical Quotes, I would sure appreciate some key words to search on Aging Care for your what you compiled, which has helped me so much. Also Magnum, your struggles are so timely as my 260-pound, 4 foot eleven sister is desperately trying to lose weight to save her life, before scoliosis surgery, with severe Rheumatoid “Arthritis” and severe Asthma from Mom’s smoking (she was the Good One who had a family and kept visiting Mom). Sis’s ManBoys are in their 30s, living with her, and abusing her. Magnum, any Biblical anything (she married a Russian Orthodox) – greatly appreciated. But I also know that you may not have time or energy for this. Magnum, I would rather just send you very deep appreciation that you are saving your soul and yourself. You have touched me (and others) more than you can know.

I feel so selfish to be posting. I feel so bad I can’t post useful things to others. This is way too long, but anyone who can stomach reading, thank you.

50schild,

Thank you for the compliment!

I started a thread somewhere on here about parents using religion to manipulate their children and why that is wrong. I don't remember the exact name of that thread.

Here's something that I posted on another thread about a question about this issue.

"Lately, I have been thinking about Jesus' call to self-denial and have come to the following conclusions.

Jesus' call to self-denial is about denying selfishness, but not a denial of the very individual self that God made us to be in his image.

Jesus' call to self-denial does not mean emotional, financial, physical or social self-destruction. It's about saying yes to the will of God and no to our own will.

Jesus' call to self-denial is not the absence of fun, creature comforts, low self-esteem, running yourself down, not laughing or never rejoicing in the good that you have accomplished. It is a call to renounce ungodliness and to live a godly life.

Jesus' call to self-denial is not crucifying yourself on your own altar which leads to glory in your sacrifice. Instead, it means dying to self to allow more of God. "

I am having quite a fight since last night with wanting to eat more with the stress that I currently feel. I've not eaten the wrong foods, just too much of the right foods both last night and today. From what my wife told me on the phone today, her mother now has an oxygen mask on and her oxygen is still low. The doctor is coming in tonight to give his opinion about the situation. MIL has not had a positive impact on the lives of her twin daughters whom she'd rather have all to herself if us son's in law would not exist. My wife has spent years in therapy getting some freedom from being so enmeshed with her mother which her twin sister still is. I am a bit surprised how stressed I feel over this and it is not even my problem. I have plenty of good things taking place this week for me and my wife to focus on like closing on the sale of our old house which will free up some money!

50schild,,

I found the thread that I was looking for.

Have your parents attempted to manipulate you as a caregiver using their own spin on Christian teaching?

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/parents-manipulate-you-as-a-caregiver-176024.htm

Cmagnum, Thank you! I am in awe that you wrote quickly given all going on. Your MIL sounds like an Emotional Vampire. I cannot begin to imagine what you and your wife have gone through, and are facing. The vampires can't help it. And you are biologically leveraged throughout their reign. You have done incredible work, getting you, you wife, your twins, and a lot of us out here through. I cannot imagine the brain twisting "prayers" and "wishes" your MIL has tormented you with. So my partner, who has stood by me almost 40 years. May your twins know you are next to God to them.

50sChild,

I went to where my wife is on Tuesday and came back yesterday so that she could have her diet food on Tuesday and we could have some time on Valentines.

My wife's sister is her twin. We don't have twins. Years ago, I did have some heart to heart conversations including some books to point out some things about her mother which gave her some intellectual insights that I think failed to reach her gut. My wife spent years in therapy trying to get more freedom from her mom. She is more free than her identical twin sister is. My MIL tormented me and my wife when we were dating and throughout out marriage. We had to set up some boundaries with her to save ourselves. My wife's therapist says that MIL is a narcissist. Maybe so, but my reading has led me to believe that she is in the category of queen/witch borderline mother which is so well described in Understanding the Borderline Mother. Her late husband was beyond henpecked. He was enslaved. She had him convinced that his wedding vows said that he promised to obey her. Poor man. I got blamed for having a bad influence on him for toward the end of his life he actually stood up for himself a few times. This has been like a family version of Star Wars with the biggest struggle being keeping SIL from going over to the dark side and keeping my wife away from it.

My writing here is helping me detox from this drama that began a week ago with our late night four hour drive to where her mother and sister live. Her sister thought their mom was at death's door then.

Dori, I didn’t take  it you had something against smoking. Just saying smoking inside stinks up the house and the smoke and nicotine gets on furniture, walls and is a constant cleaning battle. I didn’t realize how bad it was on our wood furniture until we got ready to move. It took several cleanings to remove and honestly, I’m not sure it ever completely comes off. It’s too bad your mom won’t go outside to smoke. I have cut back 50% by smoking outside.

Sharyn - So true and it's funny, I think the smell might seem even worse to someone who's quit! Being on both sides of it now....

More tomorrow. At my place. Belly very full of delicious Thai stir fry I didn't get to make till 8:30. Just about to climb into bed. This week has exhausted me....and the cats too, judging by the huge naps they've taken tonight. Sweet dreams everyone!

Just checking in. Will post more and to other posts tomorrow, hopefully.

The good news is R got the job and started this week. Thanks for prayers for anyone who did.

The bad news is I am fatigued and a bit flu-y again, stuffed nose etc. but getting better, and not used to the extra activity in the house and meal prep, but I will get there.

We are happy to be together more and Mexico is on the bucket list.

Weather is slowly improving, but probably will not get above freezing till sometime in March.

Bedtime - g'nite all!!!

That is great Golden! Rest and sleep well.

golden - Yay!!!! Awesome news on the job! Is that the one in Kelowna?

I had a spat with mom when I went over to check on her. A spat which involved me telling her I can't do everything she expects of me, and that she needs to be in a nursing home. And her saying she doesn't want to go in a home because you die in homes. And then I said you can die anywhere, you can die here, or you can die in a car crash. And then she said thanks a lot.  Not the best way that conversation could have gone, but I was not in the best frame of mind when I got there and found the mess she'd made.

I guess I understand her fear from that perspective, and maybe that's a lot of people's fear....but do people really think they won't die if they don't go into care homes?

Sigh.

I just drank an entire glass of Baileys. Not my usual coping mechanism, but jeez. I've been so tense this week.

I also sprang for a $25 Google Play card at the drug store on my way back here, so I can buy some Angry Birds power-ups and smash things to smithereens.  Possibly a better coping mechanism. 

Great news Golden!! Restful sleep

Excellent Golden. Hope having R home will help you relax and heal.
more work though but I guess you can't have it both ways.

Dori, I played online games a bit during caregiving to relax and amuse myself. I think it helped! I didn't play many games before caregiving years and haven't played many since, but it was pleasant distraction for my brain when I needed it. Smashing things? Even better. haha I slammed some doors so hard and repeatedly that I had to have them repaired. Welp. You vent how you vent, you deal with it how you deal with it.

50sChild, don't be too hard on yourself for not handling your deep well of hurt with the gracious ease we perceive of others... from a distance. Happy you're here and posting about it. That's always helpful, just to get it out "on paper."

Hi, all of you. Things are relatively quiet for me lately and I have to remind myself not to cause any chaos just because I'm bored and used to the dysfunction. ;-) Thyroid meds are definitely doing something because I'm feeling better and more alive. I still don't sleep well but... one thing at a time. It's enough for right now that I'm feeling better, more consistent with each day, on a decent schedule even if I don't feel GREAT, I do feel... fine. Just fine. :-) YAY!!!

Sharyn, I was able to quit my 20 year smoking habit around 2013 when I was very sick, and my dad was diagnosed with COPD and he wouldn't quit smoking, he used me as an excuse to continue since I smoked, too.  I wasn't able to quit "cold turkey" but I did keep trying and somehow, someway, over a few months I quit.  I still give myself permission to have one now and again if I want one.  The most encouraging advice I could give to you or anyone about quitting is -- once you've made it through the hell that is quitting, then you're rid of this expensive, dirty habit that hurts your health.  There's a light at the end of the tunnel -- that's what I'm trying to say!  If you can manage to quit, then you're free of the addictive cycle, no more mess, no more expense.  I used that goal of being a non-smoker, and what that represented to me, as motivation.  When you're ready, you'll do it.  And if you're never ready, that doesn't make you a lesser person. :-)  

Hi everyone,

My night and a day of eating my diet food plus other food like crazy is over. I'm back on my diet now. I'm also back on my meds that I missed taking during that stressed out spell.

Today, I have learned that MIL has rejected being fed by IV and her oxygen mask. She said that if she can't eat and drink then she wants to go ahead and die. So, they are letting her die. This has upset the twins greatly and I need to get up there soon for my wife. I'm glad that I already ordered our diet food early and they have already told me that they will have it ready tomorrow instead of Tuesday.

I'll reschedule appointments in the morning. I've sent a text to our real estate agent that this may hold up closing on our old house on Friday. I'll also need to board two cats one of which has not gotten use to me since she is rather new.

Take care everyone!

CMagnum,
It happens!
Just when you need medicine the most, the stress gets worse and no meds! Whether forgetting, too stressed to get them refilled, or just did not do it.......! Yes, it happens.

For future reference, I don't think the pills have very many calories, lol.

Happy to hear that you are back on track.

So sorry about Mil.

Honestly, while it is sad that MIL died, she will no longer be able to manipulate her girls with the will anymore. This is going to be harder on my SIL for she was more enmeshed with her mother than my wife was.

It is going to take a while to settle this estate. According to my SIL the Will calls for all of the land and the houses plus the duplex to be sold and the funds placed into a trust fund which will give each twin money each month with SIL getting more. 

trying to catch up a bit here =

sharyn -winter doldrums here too. How cute that L is wearing a patch too. Hope you had a good birthday dinner with hubs.

dori - my mother is past skyping or anything like that. Glad you are communicating with those that are good for you. Hope the Indian buffet was great. Re your mum and smoking. She has Alz so her brain is broken to a degree. I know, I know, she respects the aides, but you are there more. Leaving the room may help you breath better at the moment, but her apartment is saturated with 2nd and 3rd hand smoke all of which is toxic to you. Personally, and I am an ex smoker of many years now, I would not spend time anywhere where there was smoking. It is bad for your health. I don't think you can expect that she will easily agree to going to a facility, but many have negotiated that regardless. Dementia definitely does not cancel out addictive behaviours, it may exacerbate them. I think you have a mixture.

moose -amen! Blood may be physically thicker than water but so what? Chosen family is much better. Popcorn is a great snack!

cmag -you are gong through a lot. It looks like mil is near the end of her journey.I am sure the twins are upset, but mil's QOL is pretty minimal. Take care of yourself. Glad you are seeing the end of two mortgages.

glad - you know all about manipulation with money! Turning off the brain switch isn't always easy.

smeshque - who says everyone has it harder than you. No one is walking in your shoes. If you need to vent -go for it. We won't compare.

cm - I agree there is no compromise with smoking, but banning mother to her room does not protect dori from the effects of the toxins either. They are throughout the apartment by now.

Better start a new post!

Well FIL just called to tell us BIL is in OC for a few days, and although SIL will be home because it's a school holiday, she cant take him to his Dr apt... this is the same BIL and SIL who are living rent and all bills free in a home they talked FIL into buying so they could "take care of him and MIL".. He wanted hubs to take him... with no notice, and he has plans for tomorrow. Nope,, he is going to reschedule his Dr apt.. MAy I point out hubs is livid? Maybe I should call SIL and tell her hubs will take his dad,, and she can take MY mom to her next apt?

kbuser welcome. If your mum has appointed you POA she is the only one who can change that, and then only if she is competent. I hope she keeps it with you.Sibs often attack and accuse while not helping at all. It increases the burden on the caregiver, and we don't need that!!!! It is very hard to not let it get to you. (((((((hugs)))))


dori - I think your mum quitting altogether- if the dr suggests it, and under supervision is good. Be sure to go home on the weekend. Why punish yourself?

50schild -so glad to see you back and posting, and venting!!! You have a lot to vent about. I am also glad that you are going back for therapy. I have off and in all my adult life and it helps. It is part of caring for you. I will go to Mexico as part of caring for me. Mother is cared for. She would be happy to see more of me, but I can only do what I can do. She shoulders her own burden of life fairly well these days.
Re "I am ashamed for writing all this. So please someone speak to shame. My poor Dad, 96, I can’t even bring myself to phone him. It’s beyond anger. It’s beyond, “Just do it, you’ll feel better.” I feel done. I feel I’ve taken a fairy flight away from the Titanic and I’m leaving struggling souls behind. I love him. I am frozen. He's fine in care. I just am not there. " I totally understand. I have been close to that with mother. Please let the shame and guilt go. You don't deserve to carry them. You carry a big enough burden with the childhood you had, through no fault of your own. It was not you, it was them. Now you are working together the pieces of your life, and if it is not whole and perfect, so be it. It is the best you can do. I did not go to my own father's funeral. Not because I did not love him. I did. But because of the sick family dynamics, which I could not have taken -absolutely could not have subjected myself to that. I feel sad about it but no shame or guilt. 50s anything you post can help others by you honestly sharing your story, Please come back and share more. I am so sorry that your sister and beloved partner are declining. We can support you.

cmag - I appreciate your comments on self sacrifice.

sharyn - thx - I slept well last night finally. Good for you cutting back on smoking 50% Yay!!! Yes the chemicals from the smoke penetrate everywhere.

Dori - thx not the Kelowna one though they want to do another interview next week, which he will do just to keep his options open. The pay there is much less than here and the cost of living about the same. Have fun with angry birds.

Veronica - thx that's right can't have it both ways and we are happy to have it this way.

better end this while I am ahead.

Hubs called FIL back, he will take him because he is a great guy.. but he plans to have a talk with him  over a nice lunch after that!

ali - so so glad the thyroid meds are helping. It will take a couple of months before you get the full effect. Feeling "fine"!!! Yay, for sure.

cmag -my condolences on your mil's passing. At least it wasn't drawn out. I know you will be a great support to your wife and her twin, who still has a big job ahead. I am glad the manipulation is over, if not the effects of it, Drive carefully.

PamZ - how very infuriating!!! What is it with bil and sil. I think you have a good answer!

Still battling that bug which is slowly going. This weekend is a time to catch up on sleep, do a little online grocery shopping and renew my passport which expired last month. Not sure when I will need it,  but better be prepared!

Take care all -have a good night!

Cmag, I’m sorry to hear about your mil passing. I know you will be great support for your wife and sil. Prayers for healing and comfort.

Cmag, I too, am sorry for your loss.

Cmag, sorry for your loss.

Thanks Sharyn and Glad

I wish that I could understand the stress attack that I had Friday night and all day Saturday during which time I ate far too much of my diet food. I had driven back on Thursday to tend to things here and thing bang goes the stress on Friday night. I've never had a stress attack like that before.

This is going to sound strange, but this loss is actually a gain for it liberates the twins from being manipulated by their mom's borderline/narcissistic personality via the Will. My BIL and I will not longer have to be around someone who despised us for we had taken her girls away from her.

I know that my wife and her twin sister will grieve the loss of their mother, but in some way they will not miss the pressure that she put on they while she was alive. I don't know what my SIL will do with herself now that she no longer has her mother to give all of her time to. She was much more enmeshed that my wife and thus it may be harder for her to change gears.

All I can do is be supportive of both of them. The funeral will be Wednesday. So, we can still sign the documents that we need to on Thursday before the buyers' close on the sale of our old house on Friday. That will be very liberating for us.

My wife plans on going back up to support and help her sister after being back home for a few days. She does have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday. Her sister will have her hands full as the executrix of the estate.

My I am long winded tonight. Thanks for listening. I need to finally wash some clothes and go to bed.

Thanks Guest. I was typing while you were typing and so I didn't see your post.

Magnum, try to get a good night's sleep. You will now have your life back and I hope the sisters can be very supportive of each other.

Thanks glad, but I've just started washing clothes and picking out some clean clothes for my wife to wear for the next three days. She's told me what to bring her for the funeral.

(((((cmagnum))))) I hope your wife and her sister are doing ok.

I have just quickly skimmed, I'm going to catch up in a little bit.

I feel like a right heel, but.....after all I've read here, it never occurred to me till this weekend that mom's extraordinary behaviour this particular week may be from a UTI. So I feel like an a--h--- for spatting with her. But anyway.

I came back early this morning - on an instinct, to check on her - and found her very confused and disoriented, pretty much delirious....sitting in poo on the couch. She had it on her hand, on her thighs, etc. She had also already changed her Depends once right there on the couch, because I found a dirty one in the empty box of Timbits I brought her. So that might have been where the poo came from, though the one she was wearing was also pretty full. She doesn't remember anything about any of it. I would be willing to bet she's got a UTI from all the diarrhea and poop she's been having. Anyway, I got her cleaned up best I could, with lots of gagging on my part (I can't help it!), then went and fetched the cats and my stuff and came back.

Been keeping an eye on her all day, in case I needed to get her to the ER. She refuses to go, of course. I figured if she got worse tonight, I'd call an ambulance. But if we wait till tomorrow, she can at least get a proper shower from home support in the morning. And then I can pretend we're going to dialysis and just go 'round the ER side of the hospital instead. I'll call her nurses first thing in the morning and let them know what's going on - who knows? Maybe they can test right there in the dialysis unit. A UTI would definitely be connected to her kidney health.

Anyway, I am 90% sure it's a UTI. She has been pretty good about not getting "fighty" with me since our last big blow out in November. And yeah, I feel terrible for fighting with her instead of paying attention to the changes in her.

On a lighter note, I was supposed to go out with best guy friend tonight for that Indian buffet we didn't do last week....but I was soooo tired this morning I bailed on him AGAIN.....plus I didn't think I could deal with the look of all the Indian sauces after the messes I've cleaned up today!!

Good evening everyone. I hope all is maintaining the best they can. I have been pretty blessed that things have been relatively quiet for me. I am my worst enemy at this point. I too am trying to quit smoking. I have slowed way down, but can't seem to let them go. I have been struggling recently with comfort eating and my fear is that if I totally quit, I will eat more. So I am weak. I am trying to get over this comfort eating thing and get back to being disciplined, where I use to eat healthy no junk.Would treat myself once in a while. But once in a while has turned into everyday. I do not smoke in the house though. Nor around my Mom.
Its just 2 things I have become hooked on Soda and chocolate bars.
Golden thank you for your comment. I just never know what to say, you all have so much going on and I am learning from all your experiences. I do hope you are excited about relocating?

Cmag- not sure whether to give condolences or not. Hope you and your wife and SIL get through this time. I am sorry for their loss, they will grieve their loss, but you sound like you will be totally supportive of them.

Dorianne-Sounds like a rough day.

Hope you all have a good evening. Thanks for being here. May God bless each of you.