The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

CMag, my condolences to you, your wife and your extended family. Hopefully, now your family can have some peace.

CMagnum,
So sorry for your family's loss. It was just 9 hours ago you were talking about Mil deciding she would rather die, then, 7 hrs. ago she had died.

Maybe I was confused, but that is a whole lot for you yourself to go through, then laundry late at night when you need sleep, then driving....

Hope you can sleep peacefully by now. Again, sorry for your loss.

Send,

From what I saw Friday a week ago, I did not expect her to get better. I should have done laundry earlier, but I didn't feel like it. I was completely out of clean clothes. I've gotten some sleep.

After I contact the four paws pet hotel after 7:30 this morning and get these cats a place to stay, I will take them over there. The newer cat is going to be harder to deal with than the other one.

Then, I have appointments to reschedule, the car to pack with my clothes and my wife's clothes. I also have my diet food to eat every 2 to 3 hours. On my way out, I will pick up our diet food for this week. Tonight will be the second week of our weight loss class that we will have missed. Also, I am not going to rush in my driving up there. If I need some coffee, I will get some.

Excellent CMagnum! And thank you so much for updating me and everyone here.
Traveling mercies!

cmag -glad things are working out re funeral and house closing. Take care - it is a stressful time.

oh dori - what a mess, poor mum and poor you. Sounds like mum needs to be tested for a UTI asap and treated if necessary. Feeling bad because you have misread a situation is one of the trials of being a caregiver. Just move forward the best you can.

smeshque - you are welcome. Just share your stuff, whatever it is. It helps. Many of us are concerned about food intake. Good for you for cutting back on smoking, and not smoking around your mum. I used to drink some diet soda, but have cut back to very little. It's all chemicals and can't be doing me any good, Changes are hard. I allow myself plain dark chocolate every day - a couple of squares with coffee after meals. I don't eat a whole bar but I don't like being without my squares! I cut out smoking (many, many, many, years ago) by not having any handy and by cutting down to the only ones that really mattered - about five a day. The rest were just habit. Then I decided I could live without the five, but never said I would never have another one. It worked for me. I won't be relocating for a few years now that R has a job here. Sigh, but we are very glad he is working again,

Well, I was woken up (finally getting some sleep) by a phone call from mother's nh. It was a nurse regarding the missing and broken hearing aids. She explained what has been happening, not just to mother, but to others too, which is that the health care aides (HCA) have been removing the hearing aids at night and putting them where they are supposed to be stored overnight, but in this process hearing aids have been dropped, broken and lost. She apologized profusely and said she had been away on vacation. My question, now that I have woken up, is where were the other nurses? The protocol now is that the HCAs are not to have anything to do with hearing aids. The nurses are to insert them in the morning and take them out at night and store them, and they are to be signed in and signed out, which has been the case all along. Thankfully this one nurse has taken it upon herself to investigate, and make changes. The community worker, who is the liaison with family, is away till the end of Feb. She will issue a memo to confirm the changes the nurse is making. I will be calling her once she returns to register to my concerns and to find out if they have insurance to cover this. I will order mother a new set of hearing aids now that I know what is happening. The nurse said that they have been using the broken one, but it finally fell apart and when they showed mother she cried. I was so glad to speak with someone who knew what was going on. Anyone else I have spoken too was like a wet noodle and I couldn't get any sense out of them. So frustrating!!!! But I am glad to have some answers. I have been reviewing my process, and wondering if I could have done anything better, I guess kicking up more of a stink might have brought some results sooner, and perhaps I will do that if anything else happens. Feeling badly for mother, but glad we seem to have a solution.

Have a good day everyone.

Golden, I think you should speak to the administrator about the hearing aids, if that protocol was supposed to be in place already but wasn't followed then there is no guarantee that it will be followed in the future unless pressure is put on staff from above. IMO since they have admitted negligence they should foot the bill for the loss, there is nothing like the threat of money out of someone's pocket to make them sit up and take notice.

cwillie - Thank you. I agree. R said much the same about them admitting negligence so they should cover the cost. It does make people sit up and take notice. The problem seems to be that the HCAs were involved in the past, which is not the case now, nor will be in future. That is the change that is happening. We need to arrange a teleconference when the community worker is back, and R is available, as he deals with these things much better than I do. I was at a disadvantage this morning as the call woke me up from the depths of sleep.

Golden, when my hubs grandmother was in a nh  for Alzheimer’s, she had on a couple rings that could not be removed because of arthritis in her knuckles. After a year there, my mil noticed one day one ring was gone. The employee used jewelers cutters to cut it off her finger. Mil had a local jeweler come and cut off off the other ring and the nh had to pay through their insurance for the value of the ring. It wasn’t costume jewelry. My thoughts are the facility your mom is in should cover the cost, they must have insurance.

Thx sharyn. I have to investigate. They have more than one unhappy customer, I gather, over lost and broken hearing aids. I expect others are checking it out too.

Hope you are feeling better. I still have a bit of a lingering sore throat and sinus stuff, and now my gut is upset. I suspect it is a revisit by a virus.

Cmag, hopefully you and your wife can rest before the service. Driving back and forth must take a toll on you. Take care of yourself too.

Dori, you have your hands full today. I understand about the gagging, I have problems with it too. I hope your can wait for tomorrow.

Smeshque, witting is not always easy. My problem is I enjoy having a cigarette. I have to get my mind set on quitting, make a plan, pick a day to start. Easier said than done.

Golden, I am feeling better thanks. I still have some sinus issues hanging on but less than last week.

We have a cold front with wind, wind chill temp is 12. Tomorrow is supposed to be the worst of it. I’m staying in as much as possible, lol!

You know I keep thinking about those hearing aids Golden, probably because I've been forced to abandon my mother's. I don't get what the NA's could be doing to completely lose or destroy a hearing aid, I can see poor maintenance or breaking the door or something else that could be repaired, but to have totally destroyed it to the point it is irreparable just doesn't make sense.

The driving is tiring. I am where everyone else is and resting.

Just popping in quickly....I am exhausted....

It's not a UTI. So they sent mom from the ER up to the renal unit for her regular dialysis, but she is also dehydrated and they will give her some IV fluids, and some antibiotics "just in case." The nephrologist explained to me that it's most likely "metabolic derangement," which is caused by a combination of her kidneys not working, dialysis, and poor nutrition. Emphasis on the poor nutrition.

Mom has a really strong will to live - maybe I can use this to make her eat even a little better. Or at least drink her Ensure.

I think I need some respite care or something.....the renal social worker is supposed to phone me back when she's out of her workshop or wherever she was.

I'm gonna grab a quick nap before I go pick mom up.

My FIL's memorial went smoothly and was really nice. It was a rough day for us, as such things are, and the cold weather got my cold raring up again. Now we go into the next phase, a bit early for some of us as it's all so recent. But regardless, we start on the practical estate matters. This is the point where family issues come up - hoping for the best but keeping the force field up just in case.

We've found boxes of old photos, many wonderful treasures. I'm putting them all in a big box and storing them. In time, I'll scan some of them for the kids, but not now. I was touched to see that our kids would like Gma's china sets - who would think youngsters who love contemporary would treasure china? I usually think I can power thru anything - the family Everready bunny. This, however, has left me physically exhausted and emotionally spent. And not quite sure I can find the wherewithal to deal with this next phase. I sure don't have the oomph for drama. Gotta love families.

Mom, 79 years old, has untreated ADHD and a lifetime filled with terrible financial decisions. She may lose her house soon due to this. Anyway, she has a lot of training in a particular field to do with the nonprofit world and I have some myself. Not too long ago she got a job offer for something fairly demanding, and called me with a job sharing proposition. This sounded like a win/win to me b/c both of us could use a little income, and my being on the scene would mean that I'd be around to ensure the employer wouldn't be taking advantage of her enthusiasm for the cause to make her work too many hours (she *is* 79 years old but she's like the Energizer bunny when it's something she cares about... she's also a night owl and I don't want her alone in an office in a bad part of town at midnight.  This is part of why she's in such poor financial shape - too much volunteering when she should have been charging for her services, she has a law degree. Long story.)

It turned out the employer wanted her but not me, so she 'threw me under the bus' and decided to take the job herself for only a little less money than the two of us were going to make together. Just now she called to tell me all about it, which I know from experience is the front end of her deciding to call me EVERY day to vent about the job and to try to talk me into volunteering without pay.

I tell you. I'm an only child (not really but my half sib is mentally ill and unavailable to help). Dealing with this crap and that of another aunt who lives nearby is driving me crazy. Sure wish I had taken my own advice and moved 1000 miles away years ago (spouse kept telling me it wouldn't do any good and she'd just have followed me, which may have been true, but I am so tired of her unreasonable behavior and expectations - not long ago she told me *I* was being unreasonable for considering who was going to provide her care once she's really infirm and can't drive, and there's no money for assisted living.  The health care elves, I suppose.)

Thank you all for reading. Really helps to have somewhere to go where others understand.💗

Cmagnum,, I just saw your post, and my thoughts and prayers are with you all. Get your rest, and look forward to a more peaceful time ahead.

HB we do understand. Remember that slavery is outlawed and you can call screen...

Thanks GSA. Seriously, it helps my mood immensely just coming here and seeing so clearly that I am soooo not alone. You know, our society preaches how we're supposed to be devoted to our elders and all that crap. What about those of us whose elders have never been particularly devoted to us?

Thanks Pam. I am going to bed early tonight.

sharyn -glad you are feeling better, I hunker down and stay in more and more now, when it gets cold,

cwillie -I am with you. I don't get it either. I have been trying to imagine scenarios which would result in broken hearing aids and I am drawing a blank. They do have hard floors, but you would need more than that to break them. Nutcrackers??? And losing them? Sheer carelessness there like dropping them, I imagine, but someone has to sweep the floor. Or would a floor polisher chew them up? They are stored in the nurses room with meds, so they should be safe there. Is someone taking them and selling them on the side? It doesn't make sense to me either.

cmag - glad you made it there safely and have a time to rest before the funeral.

dori - sounds like you need respite and your mum needs 24/7 care. Hopefully you can get her to eat better. Glad you are getting some rest.

((((((linda))))) glad the memorial went well. It must be hard to go right into looking after business afterwards. Nice that the kids wanted the old china. Scanning seems the thing to so with photos, but it can wait, You sound exhausted. Can't you take a break till you are ready for the next phase? I used to be an eveready bunny too, but I ran out of energy. Be sure to take care of you.

Hellebore - welcome. Your mum sounds challenging and you have an aunt in the mix too. Woah! Maybe it is past time to set some boundaries with phone calls, for example. You don't have to answer all of them. I don't think you can do anything about her unreasonable behaviour, if she rejects treatment , or her unreasonable expectations, for that matter, but you can change your responses to them. She is responsible for herself which includes planning for her future care. What are her plans? I hope they don't include moving in with you. Maybe it would be wise to let her know what your expectations/boundaries are. My mother had untreated borderline personality disorder for the first 100 or so years of her life. Boundaries were the only thing that helped and distance - emotional and physical. Come back and vent any time. We understand.

More snow - yuck and R is driving back tonight.

Welcome HB. This is a wonderful place to come and chat. We have all been in similar situations. I don't know what I would have done without this site through my caregiving years and even now after.

Sharyn I am right there with you. Quiting is rough.
Best wishes to all of you going through such challenging times, but you all will get through it. i will keep you in my prayers, all of you.

I am still catching up. I hope all of you are well. I tell you on my days I am off line and things happen it feels so good to beable to say I cant wait to get on AC and talk or share this or that. My bestties are all gone and we are only human so we can get tired of the same old cry and whine. Its good to know someone care or is listening.

These past few days I was overwhelmed with the sewer line issue and this roach nest ont top of everything. Its funny but not funny how I get frustrated knowing how my mother moves things. I call my self hiding stuff I use. Went to fry so catfish one of our favorites and the cord is not where I keep it. I dont know if its sabbatoge or just my mother discovering andadding it to her shopping cart packs. The sabbatoge is a reality for me on my mother part and my sister.
So when I see sometthing that looks like sabatoge it takes me to a place. sometimes when I have realized it I think back on the times I was walking in circles looking for something or wondering where something could be not even thinking of that possiblility.

Sohappy to be statingtherapy.

Linda soory for your loss.

Dorriane, I hope the social worker can give you some type of repite or solutions. I relate to a lot of your posts. Wish I could give some advice on the poor appetite.

I do realize that part of my frustration is that I am a professional caregiver. But the thing is that my home is not a hospital and I dont have the resources and help and backup I have had in the hospital. My skills are useless if they are ignored and not respected for what ever reason. In hospital its a team. If a person dont eat or bathe we work on it together. The people skills, and professional skills are out the window without the back up. and thats part of my frustration.

It was really cuted this week. I go through this thing of frustration and just say I am not going to do this or that in the house. Becuase the cord to this skillet was gone I had to use a hot plate and it took longer. I couldnt leave and do other stuff so I started in on the fridge which was on the agenda. I am talking flour coverd shelve with junk and spills. So as I am taking them out my mother started fussing at me because I took all three I didnt realize she had placed herself to start cleaning them. She usually just watch me sweep mop clean what ever. So we had a nice little time working on that fridge. I went to store and when I come in she says all proud "look in the fridge." so you know I put on this big wow you did this this is awesome show for her. If only it stays that way. Part of it is the canned sodas that she put in freezer and burst or spill in fridge but I cant say to my sister not to buy canned soda she would never understand no matter how I explain it it would just be seen a a put down or critizcism. Same iwith nephew.
My "aunt" J the one I had tried to get to come and clean weekly. (she worked my mother up and it was all agruing and fussing) she came to bring my mother flowers for valentines and says when my twested let her in and saw all the pee and do do she responds by saying someone needs to get this up.

I am still catching up. I have lotds onmy mind. Oh and this shed this Cman has been workingon since last year the handman has a leakin the outside shed and water was on floor on inside. Its so frustrating. I didnt like the job he was doing I let him know but I had already paid a lump sum on it and I felt I was way over charge and told him so. since then I havbe bought and had cabinets installed at a good price and so on but the water thing was my inital problem because of the mold and deterioation. Its still the problem Dang! heavens to mergatroy. Help.

Rays of light and love to all.

C Mag reading the Jesus call to self denial bought tears to my eyes.
50's I think you voiced what a lot of us feel. At least a lot of what I feel. And yes I agree with your advice to Golden. I so truly admire her example of courage and strength and freedom. Her words of wisdom have been golden to my heart. there are so many other poster who have touched me in the same way I reach out and let them know my appreciation. And now you, how you so honestly and truthful expressed your pain and how you wish you could help others was so beautiful. Its post like this that open my heart and my mind to the reality of my life and my journey and my need for love and freedom form the sickness and manipulation of others from selfish or mental issues.
The need to break the chain. The need to turn some of the dark rain to sunshine. I will never in all my life forget the moment I found this forum and how much it has helped me in every essense of my struggles. I truly appreciate all of you loving beautiful people in this forum.

Hi Moose, welcome aboard. This dysfunction junction is full of some wonderful loving people you will find undestanding, acceptance and some good advice. Keep posting.

Still catching up. Got aways to go. Good nite, rays of love and light to all.

Hi all. It's been ages since I posted here. (last Sept. I think). I went back a few pages and read posts from old friends and new comers. I miss this place and wish I had more time to visit the forum.

My world has gotten more hectic. The case loads at my full time job doubled in Sept. and the program is in chaos. My boss is unraveling and blames staff for everything. I almost quit but decided to stay on because I love working with these kids. I still love my second job and I need the income but I'm so tired when I get there after school, it is tough to do my best work. My parents and church occupy my weekends. I hardly ever get to my computer, it can be a week before I even look at my personal e-mails, let alone visit my forums (never now). Anyway school is out this week so I'm checking in.

Mom and Dad have declined quite a bit. They are still in their home but I don't think that is sustainable for much longer. Not much has changed re: family dynamics but I've found my way to work with what is. Bro (who severed himself from the family because of the crazy) has re engaged a little but being very guarded and maintaining his boundaries (good for him!) Sis has not changed at all but now she and Mom have an entourage of caregivers to order about and micro manage so she leaves me be for the most part. She does sometimes call when I am at my parents to make sure I am doing things right but I just yes her to death. Pretty easy really.

I think of you all often and wish for good things to be in your lives. I want to visit more often and I hope I do.

Good to hear from you trying. I hope you can post more often.

Dori, I hope your mom is feeling better today.

Been following this thread for a while. I know caregivers are busy, but has anyone thought about writing a book? It could be liberating. Also there are many suggestions here that could be helpful. Oh wait...probably have to get releases from AG.

With MIl's funeral tomorrow, BIL chose today to rehearse the pain she inflicted on us two men over the years and how narssistic she wss. The twins responded by saying we alre as dy know all of that and she would not have liked anyone we married. They left to tend to some things and I went back to the hotel for I was still tired from the drive. We leave here on Thursday to go sign a document related to selling our old house which closes on Friday. Our profit will be deposited into the bank that day. I will be glad when this is over.