The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Tomago, when my mom started with threatening behavior I called the police to let them know there was someone with dementia living at our address. In case of emergency they would still respond, but at least would have had an idea of what may have been going on. I imagine you could even take a letter from her doc to the police so they have it on file with your address.

((((((dori))))) it's not a matter of giving up - It is a matter of making the best choices for all concerned. What you experienced in childhood is abuse --emotional abuse. Neglect is a form of abuse, and I suspect there was more. At the very least, your emotional needs were not met. Your mother needs care, but you do not have to do it hands on. Please look after yourself. You are experiencing a lot of stress and, yes, it can come out in health issues. Book was seriously suicidal when she came to AC. She even had figured out her method.

book - I think your health has suffered from the years of stress, but you are a very strong woman for sure.

cm - I kinda think so too

glad -I am wondering how it will be for me. First of all, I think, probably great relief. Yes, their time comes. I think mother's is overdue. The train missed the station.

cw (((((hugs)))) you made the right decision.

Ali - hope the exercise helps. You may be able to do more once your thyroid meds are fully effective. Don't underestimate the stress of the years of caregiving,

trying -Hi so glad to see you back! Getting better. It never occurred to me to hit mother. I was more flight than fight, other than occasionally verbally. I sure understand needing a week to decompress. Hope work eases up.

sharyn - I, too, am so glad the cycle is over for you. Threats are part of the dysfunction.

tomago - calling the police occurred to me to when I read your post. It would be good for them to have something on file. The other suggestions are great also. I am sorry you are going through this.

cmag - emotions can run very high and I suspect they are still there.

Finally feeling like a human being. Got some laundry done and chicken bits on for bone broth. What a relief to not have that pain. I hope it is on its way out for this session.

Take care all

Tomago, can you get away? Or send her away?

Dori, hang in there. I feel you frustration. I had similar issues with my mother. A person who tried to break my goodness and beat me down and control me. She did some ugly things and I always wondered in my heart how could a mother do that to her own child. Its so weird, and yet the love us ehh. Just before my mother got seriously demented she would lash out. Call her self getting ready to slap me when I didnt respond her way or something she didnt like. I grabbed her hand oneday and told her dont do it, dont do it cause it will be on you. I dont think I could ever ever hit my mother but you never know what you will due when you are in duress and stressed the F$#k out from a life time of the same old s#$t, pain and abuse and heartbreak. I read these posts and see how many of us have sufferred and the extemes in extent. and then we with the good hearts and conscious feel guiltty if we think of retaliation or anything ugly. I think that is why most of us come here not to prey but to get help and understanding and a taste of love.

We are only human. We try to do the best we can make the best decisions with scars in various stagee of healing from our loved one
Prayer has helped me in so many ways I cant express. Sometimes I have just teared at the wonder of it in work. I just got in to psalm six.

It got better for me when the ugly stopped because my mothers mind was to debilitated to follow through. then miraculously she started reacting to me almost normally and my goodness I was so desarately gracious. It was good and sad.

I had to and still do take necessary breaks for my mother. Its sad how you have to fighht someone to help them.

Book, you speak words of wisdom.

I pretend happy and joyfulness for my mother. I never noticed that she looked at me. Maybe my sad straigtht face was rejection to her. Now just try to be jovial and upbeat and glad to see her. I leave and sometimes I ask for a kiss before I go and she turns away or shut down. same asbefor and my heart still reacts the same. But sometimes she gives me her cheek and I say now kiss me too and she does and it makes my day.

Glad, Your post made me see a part of my self in a nutshell. Put all you have in loving and careing and then love ones making it difficult for you emotionally. I never even noticed what anyone else did I just did and do what needs to be done. But sometimes I get caught in looking at my sister feeling entitled to just walk past the pee in the hall and the do do and say someone needs to get this up.

Then if she does do something it my fault she had too. Because if I was doing what I was supposed to do she could lay up on her ___ like she always did.

so many petty things become so big and they shouldnt. But that anger and resentment makes it hard to just by pass intentional things.

Sometimes I feel like our dog when he used to walk past the cat she would be just waiting for him to pass to smack him up and he would be clueless and stayed that way. innocently walking into attack. then they would be sleeping together in hall in front of my mothers room. LOL

Ali I love the way you are able to put past posts mine and others in a nutshell that makes it easy to see the root. That helps so much. You hang in there. I hate to say but I am not so trustful, I do have issues but we have to be careful with whom we share and how much of our pain we share with others. I have experienced people many times not just here either, using my issues my personal pain my shared confidentials in a ways that I felt was inappropriate. So as much as I need to vent and need input I am so very hesitatnt to open up to people about my personal issues. I had a recent issue with the day nurse on my job. I never told her my issues with my family my mother dementia this caregiving thing. But I left the computer open many times and felt safe. Sometimes I would call and ask her to close my email or something. Well one day we had words and she says no wonder you have so many problems. I had not taken the time to figure out how to erase my history. Then weeks ago one of the posters here said i should make sure to close out all my things on the computer and sure enough soon after that, the comment was made. some peopple have no respect for boundariey and ethics. But I tend to go on and on. Just be careful. At the same time One of my closest friends was an older woman on the job and we were friends until she died over 20 something years.

Its so sad to see the extent of pain and abuse expressed here. sometimes I want to cry for the little girl who was me and then I little at the little ones who went through the things I read here. I see little kids and I just want to show so much love and give because I imagine the possibility of a crazy narcisssist mother and sister in the background or worse much worse.

I went through a very rought period coming to terms with finally seeing reality about how my mother and sister felt about me. But I still kept fighting to do right by my mother and my sister. it go bad. They were putting towels on the tv and uplugging the tv so I could watch throwing my stuff out or towels in dirty shed behind bathroom so many ugly things and then one day I was in doctor office and read a story from bible and it was about putting God first. It changed me. I had been catering to them so much for their love and acceptance, they were throwing crumbs and I just kept being desparate. I saw how I had been doing everything to please them when all I had to do was turn all that around and put God first. That is when things changed and then when the stress was really bad I couldnt handle it and I ws able to put it in Gods hands and boy oh boy! Things changed. They still are changeing and its still a lot of pain and trials and definitely ugly but I am learning that I have to choose what I take on or I can go crazy or slowly kill my self with highblood pressure and anxiety.

I have move to say. another book to post. I have been off for a while and I do need to catch up. I came out of one funk and went into anotthr one. I think I am okay now. Sometimes I have moments and say I have to share this with the AC family.

For as long as I can remember I have always bought my mother flowers and plants mothers day easter christrmas . I then plant these in the front or back yard.
Years ago and I mean years... I put an old umbrella plant in the back yard and repotted it and left it there. It flourished but when it got cold I was bringing it in and my mother was like "dont bring it in here and dont take it upstairs." The pot was heavy so I bought it in and left it in the kitchen knowing how she felt. Well my mother systematically brokwe the branches until it was almost nothing at first I didnt notice then it would look like something crasehed down on one side.

Anyways its funny and not funny but today I am taking out the trash and notice the hydranya plant I put in yard was getting budds. I look at the progress reularlyu. so today I see one of the buds broken off. first thing I see and then I look at plant and see the parts of the the plant have been broken. No one does gardening or cares about the plants and flowere or buy them but me and my mother.

and the one that I planted in another pot was pulled up. It hurt to see, and to think that someone would intentional do that. but this is the type of spirit I have been I grew up with. Its like sister is now running with the torch. I did mention that someone had dragged a old dried xmas tree into yard. During process of dragging it out I swept the yard clear of these thorn balls from tree and its like millions of them. seems like anyway. So after my sister dragged it back in for the 2nd time and all the dried branches plus new balls, I jiust left saying it will stay until she cleans it. So she must have paid someone to come and sweep yard because it is clean and neat. Whoever it was and i think it was my cousin who still has not returrned my casserole bowl took garbaghe out and left one of the cans in the yard. I bought and try to keep all the cans clean. Now I have to clean up behind my mother who didnt care about bags in the can or cleaning them but she took out her own trash. Now I do it. So I had just cleaned these cans now its lined with crap again. I just left it outside. I feel like whoever put it out should bring it back then I will get pissed off if its thrown away. That is part of the sum of my crazy.

These things I pray and pray and pray that I will get some way to cope and deal with when I start therapy.

(((((Duck))))) I'm sorry it's been like that for you with your mom. I guess the saving grace for me and mine is that she was a good person to me in between her drinking years and her illness/dementia. Now it changes every day....and the fact that her behaviour now reminds me of her alcoholic behaviour is the hardest part. I do think depression played/plays a huge role in both. At the very least....the nasty side of her makes me angry enough to balance out the pity and guilt I feel, lol!

golden - I appreciate that and I promise I'm taking care of myself. While I'm stressed, I'm not depressed or anything close to suicidal. (Or homicidal, for that matter.) I don't think I will end up putting mom in a care home - if there is a next move for her, it will be to hospice house. The renal team is on board with that being my call now. If you could see the state of her, and how badly she's gone downhill in the last month, you'd know what I mean.

I took myself away from here this evening, before mom had even gotten up. I bailed on the Indian buffet with best guy friend the last 2 Sundays, so I couldn't bail again! We both ate till it hurt....and he had to finish my 2nd helping, too! (He went to the buffet THREE TIMES, and still managed to eat the rice pudding after! I dunno where he puts it.) Then I went to BFF's after and hung out with her and her granddaughter, and also poured out all my "stuff."  I fell asleep in the recliner during granddaughter's bathtime, lol.

I had 4 hours out of the apartment this evening, and felt a lot better by the time I got back. Mom was up by then, so I got her a snack and a cup of tea, and put on Bride and Prejudice on Netflix. I love that movie! Plus it seemed appropriate after the Indian food. Mom didn't really understand that it was a modern Bollywood-esque spin on Pride and Prejudice (she might not have even understood Pride and Prejudice, to be honest), but she liked the singing and dancing and the colourful clothes. I managed to get her back to bed without any problems. So....a good day! Got to celebrate them when they happen, I think....

Well....today in the car on the way home from dialysis, mom said the phone company had kidnapped her. Then she started accusing me of being in on it. Also one of the nurses. Then when we got back here, she really started in on me about it.

*headdesk*

I guess I'm supposed to go along with this sh** but it kinda shocked me to be honest. This is the first time she's been hallucinating or delusional or whatever. I didn't know what to say except that it never happened and please stop accusing me of things that aren't true. Which of course made her worse and more accusatory.

I did talk to the social worker again today, and I missed the call from the community nurse about getting more home support....they're closed now but I'll call her back tomorrow. NEED to get that happening a.s.a.p.

Found the Wizard of Oz on TV on Demand. Hopefully that distracts mom from her paranoid fantasies....

Ok I haven't seen this for a couple of decades.....I just noticed best guy friend has the same eyes as the Tin Man! Same eyebrows, same expressions and everything!

((((((dori)))))) -from soup to nuts, it seems.

I am so glad you had a good time to yourself with friends.

Wow, what a change in mum! I wonder if it is metabolic again, or a step down in Alz. To me it sounds rather like that. Mother was paranoid at one point too. It is recommended that you do not disagree with the delusions, as they just get more agitated. Yeah, you are supposed to go along with this sh*t.

Hope you soon connect with more resources. This ride is only going to get bumpier and you need all the help you can get. The point is probably coming that she can't be left alone at all, and you still need some breaks.

Interesting about the Tim Man and best guy friend! Love The Wizard of Oz. Hope your mum is enjoying it.

Just finished a full 11 hour shift at work, my first day ever quite that long, as they were short plus busy later than usual. Also started with trainer this morning for an hour workout before that! lol I feel decent, considering.

I wasn't going to post but I saw Dori's comment about Bollywood movies and I just finished Baazigar after my Pakistani friend suggested it. It took 3 tries and a couple of months to finish it, but I'm glad I did. I love the over-acting and extreme characters of Bollywood movies, and the songs and dance acts. Also, the women are always so lovely... if limited and profiled by/through their culture.

Good night all.  Fingers crossed I sleep well tonight after all this exertion.  ;-) 

That's great, ali. You did a lot today. Hope you sleep well.

I’m off today and tomorrow with plans of emptying some boxes I haven’t unpacked yet, hee hee! The boys will be here this afternoon for a few hours so I don’t know how much I will actually get done.

Our main deli opener is leaving for another job closer to home. Our deli manager is out this week recovering from gall bladder surgery. I’m opening this week. It’s much easier to open here than in Cali.

Cold here still with a low of 14 this morning. No wind so it is tolerable, lol! It is dry too which makes my eyes feel like sandpaper. I use moisture drops but they only help for a short time.

Hoping everyone is catching a break from caregiving stresses.

Have a good day, sharyn. Glad that opening where you are is easier than Cali. Have fun with the boys.

golden - when mom switched over from peritoneal dialysis to hemodialysis, the team told me that dialysis can accelerate the rate of dementia decline. So that would explain it. Plus....yeah, she is just poorly nourished, although she's been drinking the Ensure shakes faithfully for a week now (I told her "doctor's orders"), so maybe that will start to help.

So I talked to the area nurse this morning. Going to have 2 home support visits every day, plus she is going to look for a respite block for me. Not sure what "respite" looks like yet. I updated the care plan so that the home support workers will be the ones to push mom about the important things (meals, meds, hygiene, incontinence stuff) - I'm hoping if I'm not the "nag" all the time, or at least not the only one, mom may be slightly less nasty with me. We're also going to meet Friday morning to go over anything else.

Also I have the occupational therapist coming over Thursday afternoon to discuss any needed medical or safety equipment. I don't even know what the options are, but half of mom's falls seem to be from getting in and out of bed, so that might be the place to start. She might just need a grab bar by the bed, who knows?

I've also talked to everyone I can think of about NOT using the language of palliative and end of life around mom. She is depressed and frightened enough. We're just framing it as I'm getting some more help with caregiving.

I'm so grateful to live in Canada and that all this stuff is covered. I honestly want to cry for American folks who have to deal with this stuff out of their own pockets, or deal with insurance companies that don't want to pay up. I don't know how you even cope. If I had to think about how to finance this, I would surely lose my mind. I know we're not supposed to talk about politics on here, but it's so ridiculous and WRONG to me that such a wealthy nation doesn't have universal health care. I mean, I'm not saying our system isn't flawed, but at least everyone here is entitled to care.

The switch in dialysis makes sense, dori. Hope you accomplish your goals of getting others to "nag" mum.

At one point, they put a pole by mother's bed for her to grab on to. It helped till she got quite a bit weaker.

"Getting more help for you" is a good way to put it.

I am so thankful for Canada's system, too. Mother is well cared for in a very good facility for very reasonable amount of money that she can well afford. It is a comfort knowing that I can have the same kind of services when I need them. I feel so badly for US citizens whose options are so limited. It causes a huge amount of stress and people get burnt out.

Oh, I just found the fact sheet for palliative coverage. Apparently any medications will now be covered, and even incontinence supplies. Darn, I just ordered a bunch of Depends and bed pads! Oh well, I'm sure we'll need more.

golden - a pole sounds like it might be just the thing mom needs! Thanks, I'll mention that to the occupational therapist. One for getting off the couch too....I've been trying to figure out what might help her with that.

My dad told me a story once about how, when I was born, he met an American man who'd had a daughter at the same time (this was in '68). He said it cost him $2000 (or something like that - I don't remember but it was above a thousand), and asked my dad how much it cost him. Dad said, "$50, but that's because my wife wanted a private room." I guess the poor fellow's jaw dropped to the floor!

I don't believe this. It is 37 degrees F ( 3 C) and I see a snow storm outside my windows -big flakes blowing around which are supposed to be rain. Crazy!!!

Dori, I am glad stuff is covered on palliative care. The NH covers pretty well everything so is cheaper than the ALF was.

I like your dad's story!

Canadians, I tried to get there but they don't want me, unless I have $5 million or more, or am a celebrity or have a productive company. How can we in the U.S. translate this to human worth? The Syrians are trying to do it. What is the value of human dignity and worth?

When was this, 50schild? It's my understanding a single person needs to have about $13,000 to immigrate here. But they do have to bring other things to the table, like be a skilled worker or self-employed, or be a caregiver, or be sponsored by family, or begin a start up. Or come as a refugee or asylum seeker, in which case I'm pretty sure the $13,000 requirement is waived. Or are you talking about the investment immigration program?  (Edit:  I just checked - the wealth requirement for the immigrant investor program is $1.8m.)

We checked last fall about moving to CA from Maine. We checked at an immigration office across the border from Ft. Kent, Maine and we had a Canadian business owner who would sponsor us thru the process.  The application fees are about $1200 for four people (2 adults;2minors). We needed about $14,000 cash for each of us to apply for permanent residence. I can't remember the amount for kids. If going to either Montreal or Toronto, housing costs are very high. If you are going as a retiree, you have to show retirement income and other assets to allow you to have adequate housing and other living expenses. You are not eligible for Canadian Health. You can purchase a rider for your US health insurance that gives you access to health care in Canadian facility. Getting permanent resident status takes about 6 months, but that status does not guarantee that you will get citizenship. It's doable, but doesn't afford you Canadian benefits. 

That makes sense, Becky....there is difference between seeking permanent residence and seeking citizenship. I know you can apply for public health coverage once you're a permanent resident though. The requirements might vary per province, but permanent residents are absolutely eligible for health care coverage here in BC, as long as they are here at least half the year and call it home. (I have a lot of "snowbird" friends, lol.) 

Vancouver is dreadfully expensive also.

Dorianne, Because we’re retirees it was made clear about the health coverage. My friend who owns businesses in Montreal is a US citizen married to a Canadian with 3 children born in Canada. She is a permanent resident. She gets CH via her husband. It’s not an overly complicated process. We wanted to be in the Montreal or Toronto area. Both very expensive - renting or buying. We may eventually do it or settle for partial year residency.

Oh? That's strange. BC allows permanent residents health care. You should come here! It's prettier here anyway, lol.

Here, I just found the policy:

www2.gov.bc.ca/gov/content/health/health-drug-coverage/msp/bc-residents/eligibility-and-enrolment/are-you-eligible

So, I was curious about Ontario and Quebec, and their policies also say you are eligible as a permanent resident....well, Quebec doesn't use the language "permanent resident" but it's still similar. It doesn't say anything about retirees anywhere in the language.

Ontario:

ontario.ca/page/apply-ohip-and-get-health-card

Also Quebec:

ramq.gouv.qc.ca/en/citizens/health-insurance/registration/Pages/eligibility.aspx

Edited to add:  all these policies talk about a 3 month wait till your health care kicks in....that's true of every province, as your old province is supposed to cover you for those 3 months.  I remember that from when I moved to Alberta.  So yeah, you'd definitely need temporary coverage for that time period, though you still can get emergency services without.  Maybe I'm missing some crucial piece of documentation that says you don't qualify anyway, but I can't see it anywhere....?

Edited again:  does your friend maybe get extended medical through her husband?  That's w0uld be our medications, dental care, and stuff.  Not everyone has extended medical, as it's through private insurers.

(Just sent you a direct message, Becky....I'm pretty sure the immigration worker wasn't quite telling you the truth.)

Hi to all! Just checking in. I had trouble logging in and now I am just plain worn out from life right now. Wanted to respond to someposts.
I hope you all are well. I certainly appreciate all the feedback and understanding. Sometimes its so darn hard, sometimes to have to deal with foolish selfrighteous people who need helmets cause dang if they get what they think is a ball they just run and dont see the wall getting closer.

I extended rays of light and love and peace to you all!! Smile!! Smile!!! Smile!!! its contagious.

Well I do need to vent a little. My mother received a check possible refund. I was wondering why it was not direct deposited. I meant to txt my nephew to make him aware then I thought of the outcome with the oustanding tax bills. So I waited to think on how to word things. When I came down yesterday he was there I asked if he got the check he says no. I tell him to ask his mother. If she doesnt have it which she should have given to him if she did then its packed up in her shopping carts bags. Then it seems like nephew just left. Why do I feel bad, why do I feel wrong. Then they pulled out the sofa bed my mother sleeps on the sofa. No sheets that matress is old. Is it wrong for me to wait before I properly fix it up with sheets and clean linen. Twisted bought down a pillow with no case. Was it wrong to wait for her to put one on for a week. Then when I do these things or say something I am being critical. I mean like whoever pulled out that sofa bed would not have slept on it like that themselves. Then to top things off my mother is not eating again. I see someone is making sandwich with sandwich bag. I dont know who is coming in or what but she is not eating again and that brings me down real down, because it scares me. Anyways this apt psych is just intake I think. I am looking forward to therapy sometimes I cant wait and I dont even know where to begin. I just feel sad. Mental illness is not an easy thing in old or young. I am glad to finally be getting some help. I got much love for you all. It helps me to feel normal. I just wish I knew how to handle this ugliness mentally and emothional. Spiritually I know if I put God first the rest is taken care of meanwhile I have difficulty letting go.

Then I miss my loved ones and sometimes I get to dwelling on them and their love or dwelling on ugly memories that seem to just be a true reality for me sometimes. I am also trying to build myself up to see my girlfiend who had another stroke. Anyways love and light to all.

Duck - Honestly? I think you're on the brink of taking your power back. Therapy is going to help a lot. One day, probably not to far off, your sis is going to do something equally dumb, call you critical for remarking on it, and instead of feeling bad, you're going to say something like, "Well, duh, of course I'm going to be critical when you don't use your common sense - where's your head at, girl?" Maybe not in those words, lol.  And you'll leave her jaw on the floor and she won't know what to say.  For days, hopefully. 

I know how you feel about your mom not eating. My mom didn't even get up today, not even for crackers. (((((hugs)))))