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Duck, if your mom isn’t eating, she can get an appetite stimulant from the dr. I know you have no say in the matter but maybe a call to her dr may help.

Dori, with your mom’s issues, I don’t know if she can take the stimulant. Her dr can advise you.
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As lovely as Canada sounds I am so very rooted in my beautiful New England. Winters are hard but I just love this place. This is my home. I am still holding out hope that our country might find it's way to a universal health care system.
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Dorianne, I'm afraid I may have dreamed that so-called $5 million fact I had in my brain. I may have simply heard it from someone, right after the election, in a panic. Thank you for clarifying. I think I was just pouting that we don't have secure health and aging care here across the border.
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Sharyn - I will ask the kidney team about that, thanks. They usually can tell me right away if she can or can't have something.

Trying - I hope so too! Plus winters are hard here, sometimes even moreso. Ask golden about that, lol!

50sChild - Well anyway, now I have researched all the details about permanent residency and accessing health care in Canada, if you decide to make the great border crossing, lol!

So.....I am going to get 2 3-hour blocks of respite per week, on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon. I was hoping for weekends! Plus she's usually sleeping in the afternoons. But I'll take what I can get....and when mom gets worse and absolutely must have someone here 24/7, then it's in place. I actually think I will take the opportunity to go swimming....I've been bemoaning the fact that things have been too unpredictable to plan trips to the pool with BFF. I haven't been since June! And it's the one exercise I can do without pain from my stupid leg and hip.

Then we get the same 2 blocks of personal care and meal service for dialysis days, plus on the other days, they'll come at suppertime and at around 9:30 pm....that's the latest they go. Also now that it's free, it will free up almost $500 a month that I can maybe use to pay for some weekend respite.

Mom didn't want to get up and go to dialysis today. I kind of let her off the hook, if she promised to go Friday, and also to let home support give her a bed bath and a change this morning, plus she agreed to get up at 6 and have an Ensure shake when they come back. (We'll see if she follows through on that last one.)

I am so unbelievably relieved to be getting some extra help.  I didn't really realize HOW exhausted I am till this week when the plan started clicking into place.  Now I'm moving in slow-mo and my limbs feel like lead weights.
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Me again. Anybody else around?

Well, I found out I get 2 4-hour blocks of respite, not 3-hour blocks. Yay! I changed the time so I can get the cheap rate at the swimming pool. Now it's set in stone. I will have to make myself get up and go exercise, lol. But I'm excited about going, too. I always feel better when I'm active. Plus...it's just time OUT. Social time, too, when BFF can come.

I'm kind of all over the map today, emotionally. Met with the occupational therapist and talking about getting a wheelchair and a transfer lift nearly made me cry. Not because we'll need them (the home support workers require them under occupational health and safety rules), but because of how SOON we'll probably need them. I realized that I've lost track of how fast time can go by. Saved my crying till after she left though.

Having a giant box of Depends and wipes delivered to my door from Amazon made me happy too. What a weird thing to make someone happy! But it WAS nice to sit on my bed and order them on my laptop, and have them show up 2 days later - not to have to go out and troop through the slush and snow, stand in line at the store....I do love the 21st century. Plus....holy sh** (no pun intended), Depends are way cheaper on Amazon.

Must be the menopause. I really am all over the map.

Tomorrow the area nurse is coming over in the morning, then she and the occupational therapist will work on the palliative care plan some more. But the plan started today. Still one more visit from home support this evening. (Mom was asleep at suppertime and I let her sleep....just meeting with the occupational therapist wore her out.)

I'm really sorrowful that we're at this place, because it means my mother really is dying. But I'm really happy that I'm getting more help and some break time, because I need to get away from her and not be her everything like she wants me to. Is that weird?  Terrible? 
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Dorianne...

You're digesting terminal news about your mother. You're fielding calls, visits and input left right and centre. You're *thrilled* that you get a whole eight hours' break a week. You're excited and delighted that you can get adult diapers delivered. Your mother, meanwhile, continues to present you with all of the historical and current issues that were already there.

But, yeah, could be the menopause...
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Welp....when ya put it like that, CM, my life right now does seem kind of sad and pathetic. And I am far too obsessed with poop. I'm just effing tired of cleaning it up. I'm just effing tired, period, and yup, I'm grateful for the breaks, however meager. I'm grateful that someone else will be nagging mom to eat and take her meds from now on, and I'm grateful someone else will be dealing with her gross adult diapers twice a day. I'm grateful there's a hospital bed coming so I won't have to pick my mother up off the bedroom floor every other day, and I'm grateful to live in Canada where I don't have to pay for any of it. I'm grateful for home delivery, too. That sh** rocks.

And to be honest, a huge part of me is secretly grateful that there's an end in sight now.

At least I can blame menopause on my inability to sleep more than 3 or 4 hours at a time. Right?

In the middle of my sh***y life (no pun intended), I decided this week that I need to do a Songs of Joni Mitchell show this summer. God knows how I'm going to pull it off, but I'll be d***ed if I'm going to let my mother suck every last bit of life out of me.
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I wasn't thinking sad and pathetic so much as artillery barrage of complete, as you put it, sh1t. Visualise the poor sod in the trenches, in his gas cape and tin hat, with shells exploding and flares flashing and earth flying up all around. And he's got a little thought bubble going on: "tsk! - don't tell me that's tinnitus I've got..."
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Lol, CM. I survived my parents trying to kill each other with fists and china and occasional knives. I survived my mother's clinical depression. I survived both my parents' drinking years and also my mother's valium years. (I survived my mother's suicide attempt, too....who the f*** gives a depressed person VALIUM, for f***'s sake.) I survived eleven years in a non-profit job where I was told, upon being hired, that they "usually carry 'em out on a stretcher after the first year." I survived a septic kidney. I even survived the humiliation of falling off my stool the 3rd time I ever got up, with shaking legs, to play for an audience.

This almost seems like a cakewalk by comparison.

Tinnitus, though....that would be a serious barrier to pulling off a successful Joni Mitchell tribute. ;-)
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S***** B***** peed herself during her violin solo. In front of the whole school.

That was 44 years ago and I don't suppose she's forgotten it any more than I have. I have never in my life wailed internally more for anyone.
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Humiliating yourself in front of an audience is definitely not the kind of thing you ever forget.
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Dorianne, you asked "I need to get away from her and not be her everything like she wants me to. Is that weird? Terrible?"
You are probably an empathic, loving person who merged with the life force of your mother, and are exhausted and fighting for your own life force. You may also be experiencing the full, raw, irreversible gamut of letting go. Your body is hyper mobilized, your brain is firing hard and it seems to me quite normal and ok to find oxygen, space, and take care of yourself. You've done so well for your mother, and she is in good hands. You are doing what it takes to keep your strength up, and I hope you can hold onto knowing that.
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Dorianne, I wish there was a Canadian website comparable to AgingCare where we could get the kind of info available to Americans in relation to healthcare funding. BC's EOL funding seems way more than in Ontario, although I admit that despite being palliative my mom never reached that phase. I do know my brother got a lot more support than she ever did, but some of that came through the cancer society. Of course you pay more for nursing homes there. Hmm....
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Thanks for that, 50schild. I think I've done ok for my mother, not necessarily well. I do think she would have gotten better care (or at least nicer care, possibly with less screaming involved) in a care home, and I'm not too proud to admit it. Hindsight.

Another thing I'm grateful for is....if I hadn't experienced the crazy side of my mother again, I would have blamed only my father for the rest of my life, for the violence in our home.  At least now he gets some rehabilitation in my head.

I'm going to try and get a bit more sleep before the next round of crazy. Thanks all for being there at....jeez, it's 4:15 in the morning here.
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cwillie - lack of info on the internet is the Canadian way! I am eternally grateful for the renal social worker. I would have no clue about anything without her.
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Dori, so many feelings when we caregivers our parents while surviving our abusive childhoods. Not sleeping could be a mix of stress, burnout, and feelings from the past as well as present. Once you get respite time utilized, you may relax more and sleep better. Caregiving is not easy. My mom passed away a year and a half ago. It’s a long road and a weary one at that. (((Hugs)))!!!
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Yes... having to care for parents who were abusive has it's own set of problems. One of the hardest parts for me is listening to others who do have close relationships with their elderly parents.

I work with a woman whose elderly Mom lives with her. She goes on and on about how close they are and how much she adores her mother. Another co-worker lost her Dad a couple years ago and tears up every time she talks about him. Apparently he was the sweetest man alive and she was his darling daughter.

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for these people but the concept of loving, supportive parents is totally alien to me. It's story book stuff and nothing like my own life. I made the mistake once of telling my co-worker, who is besties with her Mom, that I limit my caretaking to one day a week and she looked at me like I was a monster. Ugh... needless to say I keep to myself on that subject now.

On a brighter note TGIF! I am soooo glad it's Friday!
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Trying, I know how difficult that is. I try very hard not to listen. Sometimes though you discover the "so-called" perfect relationship is only a facade. I think sometimes people want the perfect relationship with a parent or parents and it just isn't going to happen. It took a long time, but I finally realized I was never going to have that relationship. My mother didn't want that. I moved on past that. It wasn't easy, but I got there. I was a lot happier eventually.
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I mostly hang out here. Why? The camaraderie with those that also have the dysfunctional relationships. One of the hardest things for me is when reading about sibs that will actually work together for the best interests of the folks. They can coordinate care, help each other, and still love each other while going through the most difficult times in their lives. But, I suppose it would be much easier if they could all assist in the care.😟
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It's pretty sad on this thread............I always sympathize with those who don't or didn't have a happy relationship with their parents. Yet, I've gotten a lot of cyber rolling of the eyes, and so on when I talk about my sweet Mom and how great she was. A little sympathy instead of judgment would be nice for those of us who lost great parents too.

I'm not saying anyone on here is judging but believe it or not, those of us who lost not only our parents but our best friends take it pretty hard and to hear people say, Oh, I can't stand listening to people talk about their wonderful parents is pretty sad. We hear so much of the negative stuff. I think it would be nice if more people celebrated their parents instead of complaining all the time.

But rest assured, I don't visit this thread often and now that I know how much people hate hearing about my loving, kind, sweet Mom, I won't visit it anymore. Wouldn't want to nauseate anyone.
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Well that escalated quickly.

kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/353/279/e31.jpg
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Gershun, I hear what you're saying, I do. And I know I'm still fairly new, but my understanding was this thread is meant for people from dysfunctional families. I would love to have a family I didn't NEED to complain about. But there's not a lot to celebrate.

My best guy friend comes from the most loving family I've ever known. It actually aches sometimes, to watch them and think about what I missed, to remember all the pain and anguish I endured instead....am enduring all over again in my caregiving experience.  I do find it hard to talk about my family and caregiving mom in general, because most people don't get it and DO think I'm some kind of a*****e. Even my best guy friend is only starting to understand, now that he's witnessing it for himself.

So I'm super grateful to have this thread to spew on.
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Oh, positive thing. Apparently the dinner AND bedtime home support is every day! I wasn't expecting anyone tonight after the dinner visit, but a fellow came at 9, and got mom cleaned up and changed for bed. So between the dinner visit and that one, it was the first pleasant, post-dialysis evening I've experienced in many months. Mom and I just watched Moana and Nanny McPhee on Netflix, and she let me help her get to bed without any fuss.
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My apologies if I've stepped out of line in my earlier comment, or if I am misunderstanding the purpose of the thread.  Mainly I wanted to post about something else (which I wound up not posting about), but I didn't want to act like I hadn't seen an issue come up.

(Edit:  also the Ron Burgundy picture was only meant to alleviate tension!) 
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I see it as those who have/had great relationships with their parents can’t understand how how we feel about our not having a great relationship, the abuse etc. we who have dysfunctional abusive parents can’t understand how those who had great parents feel. It’s a until you have walked in my shoes thing.
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I see your point, Sharyn. I always feel like I had it both ways - I still cry for my loving stepmother 4.5 years later, but I still have all this tension and ugliness with my biological mother, and I don't think I will cry as much for her as I have for my stepmother. (Which probably would sound really awful to some people.)

I hope I haven't been dismissive towards those with loving parents. It's possible I have been, though, and either way, for sure it's worth keeping that in mind when I post, or when I go about my daily life!
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Gershun, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family - that I thought was Normal. I met some great people who were religious and did their best to follow the Bible. I saw a life I never knew existed. So much hugging, togetherness, physical and verbal affections, etc... I saw from these people what a real loving relationship is like. I remembered being soooo envious of them. I have met other people who are Not religious and have a very close family relationship. And all the siblings pitch in to help their aging parents!

So, when I come to AgingCare and read yours and other people's stories, I am envious BUT I am also sooo glad that you did not have to experience what I went through.

Do you know, sometimes, when I'm going through depression, I can't stand reading here on the Dysfunction thread. It brings up memories that I have buried deep down inside me. And then I avoid this thread for months, not even taking a peek. I have no problem seeing you post here.
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Pardon me for changing the subject, but I cannot sleep because I forgot to eat dinner.
I forgot to eat dinner because of the full moon effect.
However, I take full responsibility for being in a dysfunctional family.
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The moon is beautiful when seen in daylight. A few days ago, I left the office after 5:30pm and it was still bright outside. As I was walking to my car, my head was leaning backward as I walked and stared at the moon. I kept saying over and over, "It's so beautiful. So beautiful." Last night at 8:30pm, as I talked to oldest brother, I looked up to the moon. I remembered thinking how it not beautiful at night. It just looks like a regular moon.
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