The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Petty. Petty pettiness I'm grumbling about this morning. Mom's condition is worsening (how much worse can it go, you ask? I don't know but it keeps worsening. How her body just keeps going is beyond us). Anyway, Sisters 1 and 2 came over yesterday evening. Sister 2 brought Chinese takeout. Previously, Sister 1's DH bought tickets to a rock concert for tonight. She doesn't want to go but only sneers at him and his sister in how they act when they go to concerts. So S1 asks S2 "You want to go? You can have my ticket." S2 says, "No, you go." S1: "I just want to stay with Mom." I wonder if S1's here with Mom, will she offer the ticket to me since I'll be "free". Nope. They both talk like I'm not even in the room. They don't look at me or speak to me.

S2 says to S1 as she's leaving: "Call me when Mom wakes up. I'll come by and see if she'll go home with me." [Now, for those you late to this fiasco, I'm Mom's live-in caregiver and have been away from home doing so for a year.] S1 says, "I'm not spending the night." As S2 leaves the house, she repeats to S1: "Call me when Mom wakes up."

Oi, MM.

Just because your rude sisters treat you like Cinderella, you don't have to follow suit, you know.

Did you fancy the concert? (personally I'd rather take a bath in sick, but that's just me) Next time, say "thanks! I'd love to! Hang on while I get my leather jacket..."

Wait for them to be normal, you'll wait a long time. So you have to fake it for them.

Dori- so glad your brother sent that letter! Best of luck with your Mom.

Ali - It's wonderful that you are feeling more hopeful and joyful!! Letting go is the biggest gift we can give ourselves. Your post was a good reminder to me. Thank you.

Margeaux - so good to hear from you. The job situation sounds really frustrating. Particularly since you had to wait two months to qualify for the work! I hope you get another better client soon.

Have a great day all!

Great news Ali!!

Margeaux, good head from you. Glad to hear your mom is doing well!

Ugh, MountainMoose. Your sisters are awful. CM is right, they do treat you like Cinderella.

Maybe you can do something nice for yourself and not consult them for a change? A concert ticket might be unaffordable, but what if one evening when they are there, you just quietly gussy yourself up and walk out the door - don't even tell them where you are going!  If they ask, just say, "I'm going out! 'Bye!" And keep moving. Even if you end up sitting in a coffee shop or a library for a few hours.  Let them stew.

Thank you, Countrymouse and Dorianne! If Cinderella were real, I'd know exactly how she felt. I can't count on Sisters being with Mom any length of time, overnight, or try to take her home with them so I could have a night off. If they show up, they never say how long they'll stay or if they'll spend the night. I have to ask how long they plan on being here so I can figure out if I get to leave for errands! S1 told me a long time ago whether Mom might go to their house or any time off for me: "Don't count on anything." I can't wait to go home, hopefully within a month.

ali - the trust - great - finally!!! and so good to hear you are feeling well. It has been a long journey. Wow!!!!

dori - that is an amazing email from your bro, amd a real treasure. I can't imagine anything like that from my sister. I hope you are still getting a little respite and relaxation. Your job with mum isn't getting any easier.

glad - hope you get that insurance mess sorted out. I know how it drags on and on. Proof of fraud should help.

moose - I understand. I am the cinderella child too. Stick up for yourself any way you can. It is so demoralising.

trying -good to see you back.

guest -how are things in fil/mil land?

becky - glad you got through surgery and are better

margeaux - good to see you posting and that your mum is doing well. That job is frustrating!!!

sharyn - hope the twins are doing well

Everyone - hi - I am a bit foggy these days, so apologies to anyone I left out.

The good news is that finally my other lens is in so I will get my glasses done next week. It does seem an unreasonably long time. The bad news is that the brand of FM pain meds that I use is not due in till May, and I am running out. One version is due the end of March, but I have had an allergic reaction to everyone I tried before except the one I am on. Hoping that the one that comes in sooner will work for me.

Having a spring CFS/FM flareup and maybe allergy to snow mould. It is the time of year.

Looks like Kelowna is off the books, but R has applied for another one in southern BC. Meanwhile the daily routine grinds on. One more northern winter under my belt.

Take care all.

Hi Everyone, I need your opinions - again. The latest news about my Mother: I have to call this latest news - "back to square one." Also, I know I will sound like a "broken record" because the situation never seems to change or to improve. My last post was about my Mother who was in rehab for 15 days, which is the length of time that the Hospital had prescribed for her. So yesterday was 15 days. My brother was in Mexico for his job for the last week, and came home on Friday. He went to see my Mother on Saturday and told her that he was going home on Monday, BUT, he would not be able to take her home because he had to work and could not take a day off. I would like to mention that he went to Florida for Xmas and was there for almost 2 weeks, and I am assuming that he has not saved any personal days off for my anything that my Mother might need. He also went to Florida for the previous Xmas too, so that is 2 Holidays that he was away on vacation. He just informed me, by texting, that he is going on vacation again and will be away for Easter. So, he told me that I needed to be at my Mother's house for Easter. That is just one part of the issue. The main problem is that he did not tell me if our Mother is going to have the Home Health ladies come in for any additional days to help with meals, etc. My Mother is going to have visits from a Visiting Nurse, and will also be getting Physical and Occupational Therapy at home again. So for the 2 weeks that my Mother was in rehab, and I stayed on the phone with her, for at least 3 to 4 hours per day. This way she had someone to talk to, and it made the time go by faster for her. All of her rehab was in the morning, so that took up an hour or so, then it was lunch time, so I would call her around 12:30pm or 1:00pm, and as I mentioned - we would talk for 3 to 4 hours so gave her something to do every afternoon. While we would be talking, my Mother had a another lady patient in her room who had her TV turned up so loud - that I could her it in the back round and it was pretty loud. Every day our conversation was the same thing, over and over again - about how the food was so horrible that my Mother could not eat it. In fact, she hardly ate anything the entire time she was there. Also, by mistake she threw away her hearing aid which was around $2,000.00. If she can find the receipt, she might be able to replace it, but I'm not sure yet. The most important issue: I talked to her again about selling her house, and moving to assisted living, so she would not have to worry about the house when my Brother is away one week a month, and when he goes on vacation. Also, she would not have to worry about food shopping, etc. My cousin is still going to help my Mother, but she is only available 2 days a week. She lives closer and can get to my Mother's house quickly, if there is an emergency. So, my Mother has not decided if she will sell the house or not. Her plan is to get home today, and she does not want anyone coming to the house "to bother her." So, my question is, should I just wait to see what happens. I could not get any information from Mom or my Brother about the Home Health aids - if he will have them come more often. As usual, I could not get him to speak to me on the phone. He only sent me a text message to say that he was going on vacation for Easter. So in other words, even though he knows that it is very difficult for me to get to my Mother's house, he is going to leave her care and safety - all up to me. I think I mentioned that my Mother had refused to go to the Doctor or to the hospital. The visiting nurse and the Home Health Aide called 911, and even after they got to my Mother's - she would not go with them - they finally talked her into going to the hospital. My question is: Is this typical behavior of someone who is 93 years old? Should I try to make arrangements to stay with my Mother when my Brother goes on vacation? Or should I let them figure it out by themselves? It would be really difficult for me to stay with Mom. I would love to help her, I just don't live close enough to drive back and forth. Thanks everyone.

Hi again, sorry, I meant to type, that my Brother had told my Mother that she was going on Monday, today, but that he could not take her home because he would be working. Then he told her that he would take her home, but he would have take the whole day off from work. This is his way of making my Mother feel guilty for imposing on him and also for bothering him when she needs something at the store, or if she needs her meds from the drug store. It is my Mother's and brother's idea that she stay in her own house, but he feels annoyed when he has to help her, and my Mother feels that she is bothering him, so she tries not to call him for anything. I have been put in the middle of this craziness. Thanks All.

Hi, I forgot to mention one other thing. My Mother also told me every day, for the last 2 weeks in rehab, that she was going crazy from boredom. So, I suggested that maybe she could talk to her room mate. My Mother said that she "seemed like a nice person." But, when I made this suggestion, my Mother said that she only wants to talk to people that she knows. And, that it is not a good idea to start talking to people that she does not know, because when she leaves the rehab - they might want to keep in touch with her - and she doesn't want to "get involved with people calling her". I would like to know if this is also "typical" of the Elderly? I have met many people in their 70's and 80's who love to socialize. I know several who can't drive anymore, but they have made friends who can still drive and they can get a ride with them. They go to my Church, and to the Senior Center, and they enjoy getting out to socialize. When my Mother retired from her job at Macy's in Boston, she was 68 years old. She stayed at home, and did what my Dad told her to do. She cooked and served him 3 meals a day. She did all of the food shopping, all for him. She likes to remind me that they had a very bad relationship. I told her that I would never allow anyone to treat me that way and I would never be anyone's live in "cook and servant". My Mother would stopped going to her Church, and lost touch with the people there. She also refused to even "try out" the Senior Center. She never went anywhere, and did not enjoy herself when she did come to my house, which was only on 2 occasions. We always had to go to her house for all of the Holidays and almost every weekend so she could see the Grandkids. Now that my husband has the back injury, she still thinks that we can drive to her house all the time. Thanks again.

"He just informed me, by texting, that he is going on vacation again and will be away for Easter. So, he told me that I needed to be at my Mother's house for Easter."

Hang on. He TOLD you you were on duty over Easter? Or you inferred that from his saying that would be away on vacation? He said, or you understood; which.

Ah! You answer my question later on. He told you no such thing, East, did he? He said he would be going away for the holiday. He did NOT say, "so you're dealing with mother."

You conclude: "I have been put in the middle of this craziness."

Again, no such thing. You have been consistently *excluded* by your brother. He does not inform you about your mother's arrangements. He does not list you among people to be contacted. He expects your mother to rely on the services he has set up.

And East, I say this in all kindness and concern: please get help. Anyone who can spend three hours a day on the phone to their mother talking about NOTHING is in a brain fog. Your mother is in rehab, it makes no difference to her whether she's giving you a running commentary or not, and if she isn't on the phone then the staff and the t.v. and her room-mate and sleep will provide her with all the occupation she needs. But you are in your home, with what should be the everyday routine going on around you. One hour would be stretching it; fifteen to thirty minutes should qualify as ample for a morale-boosting, "thinking of you" chat. Three hours and more? Stop it!

It concerns your mother, knowing that if she asks your brother to do anything for her she is taking him away from his work and imposing on him. Well, she IS imposing on him. But if he minded that much, he would increase the range and hours of services. There isn't a problem, or at least not a problem he isn't manifestly handling just fine.

But the point, as far as it concerns you, is that NEITHER your mother nor your brother expects you to carry out any of these tasks.

The way that they have excluded you over all the time you have been posting on this thread has saddened me before. On the occasions when you have tried to help in practical ways, they have, it struck me, been rather impatient and dismissive; and it must be hurtful.

To return to the crazy amount of time you spend on the phone to your mother; I'm not sure of what exactly, but this is symptomatic of something. Three to four hours every day is... dramatically excessive.

What are you doing to take care of yourself emotionally?

Hi, Countrymouse. Actually, I did go to therapy in the past, but it didn't really solve all the issues. As for the phone calls: it started along time ago. After I moved out of the City to the "Country" as my Mother calls it - she began to call me almost every night after she got home from work. She wanted to know how her baby Granddaughter was doing, etc. As I said, we would always do all of the driving to her house, and to my 2 Aunt's houses. They made all of the arrangements for the Holidays. My Mother would expect us to be at her house or the Aunt's for every occasion. But back then, my Husband liked driving, and enjoyed being with my Family. Being with his Family was totally not a problem since they are a different religion and did not celebrate Xmas and Easter, and not even Thanksgiving. But even before my Father died in 2009, my Mother had retired from her job, and that is when the longer phone calls started. It was either every single day or every other day. I actually did not mind it back then, because that is when she told me more about her Childhood, and I have written her memories down to pass on to her Grandkids, and the Great Grandkids. So what is happening now, is that my Mother does not have anyone to talk to during the day, I am the only person she likes to talk to. Also, she only wants to talk to someone who watches the news, because she likes discuss Politics, and world news. She can hear very well on the phone, since the phone is up to her ear. On the weekends, if my Brother and his wife are visiting, she has told me that they don't like to hear her stories about the past, they are not interested, and she claims that they ignore her when she is talking to her. She also said that she can't have a real, meaningful conversation with her Daughter - in - Law because she does not watch the news, and is very "ignorant" about what is going on the world. So talking about the news will take up about the first hour of our conversation, but then my Mother will go off on a long "tangent" about the past and will go into every little detail which I have already heard. Or, she will go and on about how bad my Father had treated her. That is when it gets very tedious for me to stay on the phone after 3 hours. We have actually talked for up to 5 hours on some days. So now when I get tired of talking to her, I have to tell her that I need to go into the bathroom, so I can get off the phone. I am the only person she can really talk to or complain to. She does not like any of the Home Health Women, so she doesn't really talk to them that much. So this is something that has evolved over time. I always loved my Dad, and I loved my Grandmother (Mom's Mother) almost more than I love my Mother. But, my Mother has told me how terrible my Dad was to her, and she also told me that her Mother (Nana) was verbally and emotionally abusive to her. So after my Grandmother died in 1998, and Father died in 2009, and I was really missing them, my Mother was telling me all of these terrible things about them. Since then I have been trying to come to terms with all of this new information, and asking myself if I should still feel the same way about my Grandmother and Father. It's been complicated. Also, my Brother did text me and said I needed to see my Mother on Easter.

Well this one is easy, anyway: "Since then I have been trying to come to terms with all of this new information, and asking myself if I should still feel the same way about my Grandmother and Father."

No, you absolutely should NOT alter your historical relationship with your grandmother and your father to your mother's world view . You are not your mother. Separate your identities. Adopting your mother's emotions is incredibly unhealthy, it's enmeshment in spades. Sympathising with a person, acknowledging her feelings, is NOT at all the same thing as believing that they are objectively the only correct truth.

My Dad died in 1999. From the next day (I'd been quite close to both parents) I called and/or saw my mother every day unless she was out of the country, right up until the day I moved in with her, before we moved again together with my exSO to our shared house.

So it isn't, believe me, that I somehow "disapprove" of close, supportive mother-daughter relationships, not at all. What pains me, and has done for a while, is how you have seemed to me to be running around the outside of your mother's life looking for a way in. You feel very closely connected with her and what is happening with her; but when it comes to including you in a practical way, the reality is that you are excluded.

It's for perfectly good reasons, actually. Because of distance, age and other physical barriers, you are not on hand to perform the support services your mother needs. Your brother has made other arrangements. They, your mother and brother, have sorted this all out to suit themselves. It's fine.

But having been so closely involved for so long, it is you who seems to be having the real trouble adapting. Is it some residual guilt at having asserted your own family's right to branch out to a different location? - if so, I do kind of suspect it's coming from you, more than from them.

Take another sentence - you say you are the only person your mother can really talk to or complain to.

Well, now. You are the only you. The conversations she has with you are different from those she has with other people. That's simply true.

But that does not mean that you are the only person who can contribute meaning and human contact to her life.

Off on a little flight of fancy... suppose you developed severe laryngitis, or your phone got cut off? Your mother would be fine. She could talk to other people if she wanted to, or not if she didn't. The point is that no material harm would come to her.

Your daily calls to her, I'm sure, are important to her and do benefit her. They could be just a pleasant, healthy habit in her daily routine. But right now they're not, are they? They cause her to ruminate on past injuries. They bore the a** off you, when they don't actually upset you. And they obstruct her interaction with other people: not every relationship has to be permanent, deep or meaningful. Chatting about the weather or the terrible food to her roommate also has value.

"Variety's the very spice of life, that gives it all its savour..."

And you know what else is okay? Feeling dissatisfied. Your mother is a lady of decided opinions. She likes to express them. That's fine! But it doesn't mean that she *needs* someone to bounce her opinions, her complaints, her grievances off. She's entitled to her feelings, and she's entitled to have them whether or not she puts them into words and sticks them in your ear. I wouldn't want to change your mother or any other characterful lady for the world! More power to them, I say. This is ONLY a question of how you respond to her, not of her absolute right to be as she is.

This built up gradually, over years. So, you can equally well water it down gradually, taking your time. You can, for example, make it a rule to cut the conversation short once you've put the world to rights. Or, you can alternate days with marathon phone calls and days when your call is just a quick check up, you have to rush but you'll call her again tomorrow as normal.

What I'd like to know, though, is how you'll be spending the time you save. Because I don't want it to be sitting in a chair worrying about whether you've hurt your mother's feelings by limiting your call to a half hour.

To Countrymouse, yes I had been worrying about it too much. But, I also have a very happy life and a great social life as well, where I live. My husband stays pretty involved with his own interests, and hobbies, unless his back, leg, and hips act up. It was the Cousin who helps my Mother out, who called me and told me that I needed to sell my house and move back to Chelsea. She had always lived with her widowed Mother, and they owned a house together. She is the baby of the family, and her dad died when she was just 6 years old, so of course she would be attached to her Mother. She can't understand why I would not want to move back closer to my Mother. Her Mother was 93 years old when she died, and My Cousin is still upset. By the way, the crime rate is up in that City. It was my Mother who had told us that we could rent the smaller apartment in her house, this was back in 1973. Our apartment building did not allow children. My Dad really didn't want us to live there, since he didn't like my Husband that much. So, he did not finish the bathroom in that apartment. We were living in my Parents apartment. We waited for 6 months, and my Dad still didn't get the apartment ready for us, so we looked around to rent another place. Everything was really expensive around the Boston area, so we moved out to Framingham. My parents didn't drive any longer, long story, so we always drive back to their house. Later on we moved to another suburb - 30 miles from Chelsea. I am a volunteer teacher twice a week, and take adult classed twice a week. So I do feel guilty that I really should be using my time to help my Mother. When my brother was renovating another house, he and his wife and 2 kids moved into another apartment in my parents house, and they did not have to pay any rent. They ended up living there for 4 years- another long story. His wife got involved in buying and selling drugs with the other drug dealers in the City, to make more money, and my Mother thinks that my Brother was also involved. This was almost 30 years ago. He got a divorce from that first wife. He did not have to take care of his kids, my Mother took care of them. Bought them all their clothes, eye doctor appointment, new eye glasses, everything. I did hold a grudge against my parents for not following thru with the apartment. I have never asked or taken one single penny from my Parents. and we payed them back any unpaid rent for the time we had lived in her house. I have to go and teach now, I will get back to you later. Thanks All.

Hi - again. Sorry for all my typing errors in my last post. I meant to say that I never held any grudge towards my Dad for not wanting us to live in my Parent's house. As I said, when we had our first child, my Husband and I lived in an apartment in Boston, on the ninth floor, and that building had a policy of no kids and no pets. So, my Parents owned a 3 family house, that is where my Mother still lives, and they lived in the larger top floor apartment. Another couple lived in the 2 bedroom apt. on the first floor, and there was an empty one bedroom next to it, also on the first floor. My Mother said - "I think you should move into the small apartment in our house." We had looked at other apartments all over, and the rents were too much for us, since I had stopped working when we had our first daughter. I had worked for an insurance company. My Father had been redoing the small apartment, but he had not finished tiling around the bathroom shower, so we moved into my old bedroom in my Parent's apartment. Not exactly the ideal situation, but we thought it was just for about a week or so, until my Dad has finished the tile work, he had just about half of the shower done. As it turned out, we ended up waiting for 8 months or so, and my Dad still had not worked on the bathroom. I did ask him, very nicely, if he was going to finish it so we could move downstairs. He said he was going to, but never did. So, we decided that we could not keep waiting, we had to move out. We looked around again, at apartments near my Parent's house and in nearby cities, but we could not afford them on just one salary coming in. Then we found out about the rents in the suburbs and that we could afford a nice place. I was 22 years old when we moved out. We have lived in the MetroWest area, outside of Boston, for the last 44 years, and as I said before, we always drove to my Parent's house on the weekends. At Xmas we made 2 trips. Xmas Eve at my Aunt's house in Chelsea, and then back home around midnight, and then the next day we got the 3 kids ready again for the drive over to my Mother's house on Xmas day in Chelsea - for Xmas dinner. My Brother lived at home until he got married the first time when he was 27 years old, even though he had graduated from college and had a very good job. He did not have to pay them any rent or - as we used to say - room and board. He didn't help them out with any bills at all. Until he bought his own car later on, he was always using my Mother's car all the time. Then he had an accident and totaled her car. She was afraid to buy another car - she said that he would be using the car all the time and that he might wreck the new one too. So my Parents ended up having to ask him for a ride if they wanted to go to a relatives house for the Holidays. They also used public transportation to get to work in Boston. Anyway, I meant to say that I never said anything to my Dad about the apartment, we simply moved out. My Mother never asked my Dad to finish the bathroom for us, and he would not allow my Husband or anyone else to help him, or to do the work for him.
So, it has always been a long and complicated situation. There were times when my brother refused to drive my Parents to a family function, and he would not tell them until the last minute, but they would never really say anything to him, and there were no consequences for his behavior. I think that is why he treats my Mother with a lack of respect, but he expects so much from other people.

Easteagle, I grew up hating my dad. After I married and lived out of my parents home, I realized the problem was not my dad. It was my mom. I suggest you keep the memories you have of your dad unless memories should surface showing your dad as a bad person. Don’t let your mom brainwash your memories.

Ugh. Why do I even TRY to talk about my dumb family in threads outside of this one.

*bangs head on steering wheel*

Dorianne, We've all been there. When I used to say anything to family members about my mom they would jump all over me. She's your mother; you owe her, etc. etc. One day her younger brother, closest in age to her said "She's always been mean and hateful and you all know it!" None of them hassled me too much after that. My mom didn't change and neither did my my bad bro, her favorite child. It's just the way it is and you stick with until you can't take it anymore. I was lucky. My mom didn't have dementia, didn't require too much hands on caregiving. She had severe mobility issues, severe hearing and vision issues. I got to the point I couldn't take it. I packed up and moved 1000 miles north where I had bought a house for my retirement. You're a good caregiver and you can say whatever you want about how caregiving has screwed up your life, put your own needs on hold, etc. That's what we're here for.

This is the thread for it all Dori.

Hi All, I have been off line for a while. I hope you all have been treating yourselves well. Things are still the same. The therapist apt went good. I really liked him. This next visit will be the test as he gave me some things we were going to work on boundaries being one.

My first thought was how do you set boundaries when no one respects you or your boundaries.

I get a little depressed when I see things done and dont know who is doing them. My nephew threw out the second garbbage can. The last one of the three is a white one which I had just cleaned. I put it in backyard and use it when I am cleaning because I dont want it to get messed up and then thrown outwith the rest. I came down and found someone had cleaned up dirty chucks but didnt put anymore down. So I mopped the whole level and put some chucks down. I see someone is picking up the chucks and throwing them out for now. That is the frustration for me. The trashcan is thrown away and now wwho ever is throwing out the chucks reguallarly for now but how long will that last.

Also my mother is a little more confused. its so painful to look in her eyes and know she is not really there. I came down today and when I passed she mutter look at that ugly thang just came in here. I wonder sometimes if that is how she really feels about me. Its things like that that make me wonder what the hell I am doing here and why. Then things were normal and regualar. She flitts around constantly and that has me concerned. She takes things out the freezer like she is going to cook so I see I have to stop buying stuff ahead of time.

My heart is heavy not just watching mymother deteriorate. It what she means to me even if we have this sordid relationship. Then its what I wonder what the truth really is with me her and my twisted. maybe I dont really need to know. I just dont understand any of this situation and the how and the why of it all. Family has always meant so much to me and I spent a lot of love and energy and committment to my family not realizing the the feelings were not the same. Not even considering that possiblity.

The house is a mess. The floors all need cleaning. Part of the ceeiling fell in the kitchen on my sister floor and she left the pile right thre. The same in the back room when my mother was more herself. Its just left like that. When I came back I was surprised to see that just about every roomin the house is full of junk. How my sister does nothing to fix up or build up or keep up. How i plan to get the gbathroom on my floor working now, even though I am not finished paying for the shed (the work is still not finished)

I just wish I didnt feel so all alone in this situation. But the truth is I am and I realize that I am the enemy to my twisted and nephew. I feel sad about that. Now it seems someone is stepping up to the plate and helping with the dog mess. I was glad to see but its frustrating because I see this as temporary and only because I had stoppped my selft from doing it as I got tire being the lonly one cleanin up the pee and do it seemed like it was being left for me. Am I crazy. I just always wished i had a normal clean house. A family where everyone did there part. pulled their weight or at least had a common goal. I make my self reponsible because I care. I care about my mothers surrounding about the family house about her eating. It just pisses me off to see the flux when the concern and attendtion is increased ususally inspired by a lack eirtherr real or imagined on my part and it lasts for a while then its right back to the same old oblivion. I know i sound bitter. I feel this way at times. My mother needs a home attendant there with her. Someone who can get to know her now, and learn her and she can get used to them before she gets worse because that is what is happening Its subtle and maybe as I type that is what is really bothering me.
That she is getting worse and everyday I am lossing more and more of my mother while I live with the uglyness she fostered throughout the family. Making me the sole reason for all lthe wrong. and sometimes that is just what I feel.
With all of that going in my heart I am in the down mode. But otherwishe things are good. I need to get one thing in to complete my taxes. My laundrymat had a fire in the dryers while I was drying my clothes. Thank God my clothes were not burnt. A man who was ther lost some of his clothes. Then the neighbor who is a gentleman Mr R. who checks on my mohter and who I used to share our dinner with. He had a fire in his room. Its sad he is geeting old. We all know each other and the lady he rents from says she wants him out. Our children grew up together and she and I are pretty tight. She came to the ER when I was on when her Godson got shot and killed. We have a good bit of history. She took care of Mr. R like he was her father when he was in the hsptal soon after he moved in. She says now she wants him out. he was agruing with her saying it wasnt his faault. Its sad and scary to see people aging and going down not just my mother. I just pray I dont be a burden to anyone.

I also finally got to nursing home to see my girlfriend. She had a stroke about 2months ago. It seemed like she recognized me at first. She cant speak and her right side is weak so she is in a wheel chair. But she looks really good and like she is okay with the program.

My cousin is still dealing with the shortness of breath on exertion. she passed every thing and luckily one of her doctors from the past stoped them form doing MRI on her as she had some time of metal implanted for breast implants after massectomy. Thank goodnessfor that. Other than that she is good. She stays on facebook with her shpping expeditions and showing her manicures and pedicures. Its kinda crazy, but I have my crazy to.

Maybe I can meet my crazy head on in this therapy, I truly hope so.

Rays of love peace and light to you all.

Duck - forgive me for being stuck on this part of your post, but what are chucks? I have this mental image of you tossing Converse runners all over the floor.

Thanks, Becky and Sharyn.

I'm just gonna start telling people I'm in this for the inheritance.  Might as well be hanged for a sheep....

Chux. Those blue backed thingies.

OHHHHHH. Underpads! Gotcha. I just started using these with mom, on the couch and the bed.

Edit: is Chux a brand name? Ours are generic and just called underpads. 

I believe it is a brand.

Like Kylies. That takes me back...

Liz - Have you got a clean Kylie?
Self - [thinking "Minogue," like you would] - Umm..?
Liz - If we're changing the bed anyway.
Self - ?!?!?!? Ohhh, gotcha... Why's it called a Kylie?!

Hi East - People are all different and that includes our elderly. Some remain social, some withdraw and some were never social to begin with. Are you OK with talking to your Mom on the phone for 3-4 hours a day? The reason I ask, it sounds excessive and it might be enabling your Mom to be overly dependent on you. If you are fine with dedicating so much time and energy to try and make your Mom happy , then I wish you well with it. On the other hand, if you are giving up your own needs in the process you might want to pull back and think about it.

I can only speak from my own experience. My Mom is and always has been a bottomless pit of demand for attention. In my younger days, trying to make her happy was an obsession for me and it made me ill. I got some help and after a while I learned to value my own well being and worth. I detached and set boundaries. Mom did not like it one bit and she threw more than a few memorable tantrums, but she did fine. Mom is elderly now. I am there for her more but I still maintain boundaries and detachment. I call most days of the week but I limit the time we are on the phone. I bring a meal on Saturday, give them their meds and visit. Sometimes, I take a Saturday off. Everyone is different, only you can decide your best approach to dealing with your Mom.

As for brother going on vacation. Nothing wrong with him taking vacation but it's presumptuous of him to think you will just cover for Easter. If you don't want to do that, tell him. If you can, it might help to stop focusing on brother and think about how you want to do (or stop doing) for Mom.

My sister thought it was her job to tell me what I needed to do for our parents. I spent a lot of time resenting her attitude and behavior and it made me miserable. When I am able to let go of what sis says and does, my mind becomes more clear, my resentment melts away and I am able to make better decisions.

Excellent advice trying!

I'v e been at Dad's past week and just catching up. Knocked over by these posts from Eagle and everyone. DDDuck's "I spent a lot of love and energy and committment to my family not realizing the the feelings were not the same. Not even considering that possiblity." Amen. And making amends with my brain. And Countrymouse's endless ability to lovingly, plainly comment on anything with depths I didn't know existed. I want to forget the practical and just take in my fellow traveler's insights.

My practical, today, is Dad's night tenant, who is becoming unwound. I asked her, a former nun who lost her convent, to please not park on Dad's thawing Michigan permafrost lawn, as neighbors don't care for the ruts and torn up sod. Her response: I will pray all night away at a 24-hour chapel. I reply back, "Oh dear, no need for that, just park on the driveway." Her response: "The Chapel is were I belong." Turns out she was almost fired from her daytime caregiving job and creditors are piling on her. I don't have much compassion capacity, but must work this out too.

Dori - LOL.... "just in it for the inheritance" so funny! When my husband feels the need to verbally respond to sanctimonious judgement he keeps it simple. Here are a few of my favorites "OK...", "Is that all?....", "I see....", "really?....." and when he is really feeling verbose " ...and that would be your opinion....". Less is more and he has taught me there is great power in silence. Also having a great poker face helps :)

Home sick today with a fever and a chest cold. I mentioned it to Mom and told her I was staying home in bed. Her sarcastic response..."how nice that YOU can a break" then she went on and on about her woe filled life. I cut it short and I'll not be calling her back for a couple days, at least not till I am feeling better. Boundaries!

Duck, just a thought...if they don't respect your boundaries, maybe you need to think of the boundaries as being for yourself. This is just an example - say your sister does something that really upsets you - set a boundary for yourself that you will not respond to her in any way, keep your own self cool and think about something pleasant, go to a happy place in your own mind. If you respond, you are playing her game. Set your boundaries and play your own game.

I know you love your mother and wish you had a good relationship with her. but at this point it's probably unlikely. Look at it from the perspective that it is her loss that she chose not to love a daughter who so obviously loves her and wants the best for her. I guess what I'm trying to say is to not internalize what your mom and sister do to you. When you think of what they are doing to you, turn it around and think of what they have lost by not accepting your love and caring for them over the years. That might be better than you beating yourself up over everything they do. Love yourself first. Do that and you will find the people who will love you in return.