The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Glad ~ I wonder if Golden was trying to say -- "Putting in a garden this year...?" lol

And now I want to know: who's doing a garden this year?? Not me, I'm a city dweller now, and I'll be lucky to get a few plants outside... but it is one of my near-future goals, to get both indoor and outdoor plants put in. I have none right now. Zero!! I need some hard-to-kill ones for indoor and outdoor.  

I might take this thought on over to the Garden thread lol. 

glad - construction for you new home.

Oh, that makes sense, "breaking ground" for the new place. :-)

Dori, it makes no sense.

Ahh, Golden! Closing on lot next Friday, then the fun starts, I hope. Need to put together plot plan and landscape plan, that should speed up my contractor, something he does not have to do. Hmmmm, what shall I plant? Fescue sod, Autumn Blaze Maples, Fat Albert Spruce, and of course a sprinkler system. A cutting garden, blubs, echinacea, spirea, agastache, so many options, wish I could go scatter my wildflower seed now, but turning dirt, may never work. Blue flax....

Glad, So exciting about your new house, landscaping. I hope all goes smoothly and turns out exactly like you want.

The whole Social Security/Medicare mess just gets worse. I'm 68 - waited until I was 67 to collect S/S so I would get the maximum amount available based on my earnings history.This year I got the cost of living increase. My Medicare premium went up to $187.00. The S/S increase was exceeded by the Medicare increase, so my S/S went down. I retired early 2017, but went back to work a month later. It seemed like it was too early to retire. Has anyone seen the investment company commercial about "I'm 85 and I want to go home" It's all of these seniors still working at 85 because they don't have retirement savings. I worry about the whole system. One of my friends says she'll drop dead one day at her desk because she will never afford to retire. U employees have TIAA retirement. The TIAA representative recommended that everyone up their payroll contributions to the maximum that is matched or more if they could afford. Also recommended that you plan to retire later - 72 - 75 yrs old. There is a math professor who is 80. He's sharp and in excellent health. He says he's not ready to retire.

So sorry for your cousin, Golden

Trying, yes it is scary. I keep thinking it will get better but when.

Happy Monday, gang!

I've started to look forward to Mondays for the first time in my life. With mom at dialysis 3 weekday afternoons, and my respite the other 2 weekday afternoons, it's the only time I get to leave mom's apartment!

The weekends are getting brutal tho'.  I think I'm gonna have to find the money somewhere for some paid respite....

Hi, This will likely sound strange, but as abusive as my mother was when I was a child on, I have not shed a tear since she died in October of 2013. I didn't shed a tear when my wife's abusive mother died either. My dad is still alive. I'm sure that I will cry when he dies.

Cmagnum, My mom was abusive - died last May. I haven't shed a tear. I could have cried when my dad died years ago. But my mom told my brothers and I she didn't want to see any emotional outbursts from any of us.

cmagnum - I don't think that's strange. My maternal grandfather was a bully and a bigot. He physically abused my grandmother, my mom, and my aunt.  Probably the ONLY reason he was merely verbally abusive with me was the certainty that my father would've driven 350 km just to knock him to the ground, should he ever have dared raise a hand to me. He died in 2002 and I've yet to shed a single tear.

Becky04473 and Dorianne,

Thanks for the validation.

One might conclude there was enough tears as children growing up in abusive homes.
I did not even go to mother's funeral, CMagnum, and I have no regrets, or memories for that matter.

So, my brother let my Mom know that he and my nephew would be traveling to a town near where we live. I do not know why he even told her that.
So I emailed him and asked him if he would like to have lunch with Mom, I would bring her to him and they could visit and then I would pick her up when they were done. He hasn't seen her in a few years. And she calls him, he only calls if I email him and ask him to please call her, on birthdays, mothers day and such.
So anyway, he emailed me back and said, "his schedule was pretty full and there might be a day they could do lunch. We'll play it by ear."
So I wrote him back and said," Ok, I was not trying to inconvienence you, I just thought you might like to see your Mom. And it is difficult to play it by ear, with our schedule, that is why I was asking now."
It made me a little irritated with him. That he would be so close and not even care to see his mom. This woman has been nothing but good to him his whole life and he treats her like garbage.
She does not know I reached out to him to ask him that.
I was just wondering,
A. was it wrong for me to try and get him to see her, for her sake?
B. Should I make any more attempts?
I am praying to overcome my resentment for him.
Thank you all and may God bless you.

No, I wouldn't. You say he has treated her like garbage his whole life. So if he visits her, then what? Does that make up for years of being a piece of cr*p? Then he can walk around feeling self-righteous cause he visited her. I wouldn't feel guilty about resenting him either. You are being too hard on yourself.

Maybe, a lot of caregivers are trying too hard?

He could come to her?

Thank you Gershun.
I try to accommodate so that she would get to see him. But, he acts like she doesn't exist. It makes me so mad at them. The others havent spoken to her since we moved her and my Dad here.
I sometimes just feel like I am trying to make up to her what her for her other children. i have gotten better about it. But, I still have trouble not trying to overdo special days because they don't care. I have read a lot of posts of how other caregivers have siblings that do not come around or even speak to them. I
am guessing this is something normal in this situation.
In spite of how her children are, she still loves them. But he tells her he will visit and he never does. i hate to see her hurt by them.
But, I will not make another attempt.
Thank you for listening.

Smeshque, I am one of those caregivers you speak about. I recall a few Birthdays with Mom where it was just her and I even though there were six other siblings. After my Mom died I remember a conversation I had with one of these siblings where I brought this up. She said "well, you could have reached out to us" My response: Well, you all knew when her Birthday was........ I've given up trying to make sense of why they didn't help. At the end of the day, no matter how I have tried to justify their actions so I don't feel so mad about it, it still comes back to the fact that they are selfish human beings. I won't make excuses for them. To put it bluntly, THEY SUCK!

I'm not suggesting that you should give up on your relationship with your Brother Smeshque but don't, don't, feel guilty about resenting them. You have every right to feel that way. Yes, maybe resentment is not a Godly emotion but you are human and your mind and body respond the way they respond. Resentment is only natural in this case. If you then add guilt on top of that for feeling this way, you will only make yourself sick.

Whenever I start stewing about the inconsiderate nature of mom's other kids and grandkids I remind myself they are not selfish - I am
- They are self centered

I would like them to make an effort to visit mom, or offer to help me somehow take care of something for her - but nope, they're not interested

They all have plans to have Easter dinner within about 15 miles of hoca - I said I'd probably couldn't go since I don't have any caregivers willing to work and mom can't feed herself much - not a one said oh, why I don't I swing by ahead of time and visit her - never mind none of them bothered with Thanksgiving or Christmas - despite her being hospitalized with sepsis

So, I will make deviled eggs and get a honey baked ham and enjoy a See's chocolate bunny with mom

smeshque - I've been through this a bit with my brother - trying to encourage him to call/come see mom and not seeing much in the way of results. I think our situations are a bit different though, in that my brother hasn't treated our mom badly....just neglectfully. And there's a lot of history in our family where the neglect goes both ways.

That said....gosh, there's something I find SO annoying about having to hand-hold men through every step of being responsible adults! Yes, I know, #notallmen. (And #notjustmen, too.) But lots of men. Lots and lots and lots of them. I think their time of self-centeredness is coming to a close, though. I hope. 

I know you don't want your mom to be hurt, but honestly....you're not responsible for their relationship. You've done more than your duty already, and your mom knows who her son is. She may be more likely to excuse him, being part of a generation that just accepts that men will do less (this is what my mother's like, anyway). But she knows. And (like my mom) she probably doesn't expect you to be responsible for their relationship either.

Take it easy on yourself, you're doing a good job.

I think that even in "normal" families sometimes it is one person that is the glue, who organizes holidays and birthdays and picnics and hosts all the events, and when that one person isn't able to anymore everything just... stops. And families are like friendships, there needs to be some regular contact or all too soon our lives have veered off in directions that leave us with nothing to connect us but increasingly distant old memories.

Thank you all of you for your words. Very helpful to me, and truly thank you for caring. A big hug to all of you.
And Dorianne,-and lots and lots of them, :)
Thank you, joy to you.

I've had a question on my mind for some time now, and have been reluctant to ask it, for fear someone will say "you need therapy" or something similar. (This is going to be long. Fair warning.)

I've had therapy. Loads of it. I don't have the insurance, money or tolerance for more at this point.

I guess I just need to know I'm not alone in the way I feel.
Many of you here know the story of my childhood and the abuse/trauma/damage that was done by my parents and other relatives. I know that situation has scarred me for life - but somehow, I feel that my emotions are just not normal, and probably never will be. I guess what I'm looking for is to find out if there are others that have these same issues after a childhood of abuse.

1) Numbing out - I feel void of emotion or "locked in place" in terms of how a normal person would feel in a situation of extreme sadness. When my father died, I just sat there and watched him, and couldn't even summon a tear until much later, after we left the hospital. When everyone was hugging him to say goodbye, my sister nudged me and told me to go hug him. All I could do is sit there and slowly shake my head.
Then I broke down and cried for a few minutes *after* I left the hospital. I was never really depressed about him being gone - I was more depressed about the unanswered questions, the financial mess I was left handling, etc - than him actually being gone. When I look at photos of him now, I feel no abiding affection, sadness or longing to see him again. None. I see a photo, recognize that it's of my father, and that's that. If I wanted to talk to him again, it would be to ask questions about the maintenance on the house or the way things were done, because it was all dumped in my lap and I'm struggling to deal with it, still.
It's almost as though he never existed, or has been gone longer than the 5 years that he has been. Keeping in mind that he was the main source of abuse and damage to my emotional well-being, I guess feeling that way could be considered normal - or at the very least, a coping mechanism.

With Mom, it's a little different, because I was her full-time caregiver for a few years before she died. I do feel a little sadness that she's gone, and videos or photos will trigger a wistful feeling, but no tears. I did cry bitterly when she died, because I was closer to her than Dad and was her caregiver for so long. And it took me longer to overcome that grief - she died in July and by Christmas, I still wasn't quite myself. Today, when I saw a video I had taken of her coloring Easter eggs at the nursing home just a few months before she died, which I had posted on Facebook, I watched it and felt a little sad....and couldn't bring myself to share the video again, because I couldn't bear to deal with the comments of others on it.

I guess part of the problem is that we were forced for decades to maintain this facade - that we were the perfect American family where the kids were well behaved, worked hard, got good grades, Dad worked in a factory and Mom stayed at home and sold Tupperware, and we even had a dog and cat to complete the picture. And all the while, all 4 of us kids were being horribly abused. So now, when my parents are no longer here to tell me it's wrong to feel this way, I'm angry and bitter over the fact that I'll never get the answers to the questions that all of us kids have - why did Dad abuse us? Why did Mom stay with him - was she afraid she couldn't make it on her own, or just ashamed of what he had done and not wanting anyone else in the community to know? She told me once she stayed with him so he could never abuse any other children - I'm not sure I buy that. It puts her in a terrific light - kind of saint-like in a way - but to be honest, I think it was fear. Fear that the community would know what he had done. Fear that having never worked outside the home, she couldn't support 4 kids on her own. Fear that she would live the rest of her life alone. Making us stay together as a family with the man that abused us and caused us so much emotional trauma was a form of abuse in and of itself, and just as damaging.

2) Anti-social tendencies
Now that my parents are both gone, my kids are grown and on their own, and I'm living alone with the dog and cat, I find that I rather like it this way - alone. I enjoy family gatherings and such, but much prefer to be alone. What the heck is that? Is it just that I have spent so many years (almost 30) taking care of others - kids, spouse, spouse's parents and wayward family members, my adult kids coming home to roost temporarily, my grandmother and then my parents - that I just don't want to be around people much now? I am a friendly person. I make small talk with strangers easily and make friends easily - but I really don't trust anyone to get too close to me.
I'd rather just be by myself most of the time. Is that a bad thing?

Sorry for the long post, but I guess I just needed to ask those questions and get it off my chest - it's been bugging me for a while. I guess I just need to know if there are other kids of dysfun. families that have these issues too. I know we all deal with these things differently, but somehow I feel I can't possibly be alone in feeling this way.

Susan, you sound like a pretty normal introvert to me.

People express their grief in different ways. I don't think I actually cried after either of my parents died. I cried out of frustration and sadness while they were ill, and in anticipation. Your sister cueing you "what to do" sound like a continuation of your family "show" frankly.

Susan,

Your normal. Relax and just be yourself.

ditto - you are normal, Susan. I would rather be by myself most of the time too. I don't think it is a bad thing. You had a horrendous childhood and you are a survivor. Well done!!! Now live your life the way you want to. ((((((hugs))))).

Susan, There is absolutely nothing wrong with your feelings or with liking to be alone. Do exactly as you please!

Susan you have built a shell around yourself for protection. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. No one needs other people for their own happiness. If you can't be content alone you can't be content in any circumstances. You have raised your own kids and hopefully stopped the rot.
You did not cause your parents to abuse you and the family facade you presented happens more often than you can imagine.
These days many of these stories are being told because victims are being to loose the shame others have heaped on them that provoked the abuse. No one deserves that.
I dread to think what your father put your mother through in private that you never guessed. So she passed on the abuse to the kids because somehow she felt things would have been better if the kids were never born. In Mom's mind you were all the cause of things she had to endure. Everything was her fault.
Why did she never leave? Only Mom could answer that. Was she afraid of what dad would do to her if she did. A friend of mine said that her partner told her that if she ever left he would find her and kill her. he did try and get ito her house one night but she had a good old fashioned bolt.
You will never forget what happened to you but you can forgive them and not let them continue to burden you.
As far as liking being alone, I like that too, as they say stop and smell the roses. You are not a hermit you can interact enjoyably with other people.
Try writing a letter to each of your parents and ask all the questions you have asked us. Put it away but read and add occasionally. the story will gradually unfold so you can deal with the past and put it to bed.

Susan, you are wonderfully normal. I agree, live your life your way now. You are a survivor!