The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Susan, you are so normal that I recognize myself in you.

You're not anti-social if you can still interact with people outside of your home. You're probably just an introvert like me.

And if you're like me, it's probably not just trust issues that make you feel happiest when you're alone. It's probably also because, after all the years of being forced to keep up a facade around other people, when you are alone (and especially when you are alone in your own home), you feel totally safe/free to relax and be yourself. At least that's how I feel about it. Yeah, I don't really trust too many people, but also....no matter how much I feel like I am being myself around others, there is still some weight, some pressure, that lifts itself off my shoulders when I'm alone. If you are already introvert-oriented, then any feelings of safety and freedom you get from being alone are bound to be even stronger after the life you've had with your family.

If you haven't done much reading about introversion, you may want to. We're not a majority of the population, but as a percentage of the population, introverts are much more common than left-handed people! Lots of extraverts don't really understand it, but don't let anyone make you feel bad about it.

Thanks so much, everyone - you've made me feel much better. It just seems so odd to feel so empty and void of emotion sometimes, but honestly, I think it's just my coping mechanism - as if to feel the emotion would be damaging, so my mind just turns the emotions off.

Veronica - yes, I was the one who stopped the "rot" in the family, by stepping up at age 10 and telling my mother what was going on. She didn't have a clue, though looking back now, it's hard to believe that. I think she was simply so young and naive when she married Dad that she couldn't conceive of someone doing such a thing to their children - and certainly not to her own.

Susan and everyone who responded: Thank you. You describe me and though I have read tons about introverts, I have always felt and been cast as "peculiar." I have felt I have let everyone down, but even worse, I have let the spiritual down by being as I am. You are in touch, and others here recognize it. That is today's beauty and gift.
And I am so sorry for all that has happened that none of us can ever know, but can feel in your post. Thanks you so much for your post.

Susan, You are definitely not abnormal. Being an introvert myself I used to feel that there was some kind of stigma attached to that. You know, the shy, quiet kid who never put up their hand in school.

I was not abused growing up. At least not by my Mom and my Dad died when I was four. But I was bullied by my siblings and then by classmates. That started in grade four and continued right through high school. I was terrorized by a mentally ill brother who was finally removed from the home cause he was beating up my Mom. I haven't seen him in years.

I feel safe when I am home. Sometimes I feel lonely but generally am quite happy by myself. I am 56 years old and still get anxiety when I encounter a group of teenagers but other than that am doing okay.

And I'd also like to add that I don't think there is such a thing as normal. I mean really, what is normal? If your behavior and way of living make you happy, allows you to function in a healthy way and is not hurting anyone else then it's your normal. If you have doubts about that and need to talk to someone then do that but otherwise keep being beautiful, unique you.

Just for the record, in the psych business, we distinguish between " signal anxiety" ( there's a reason to be anxious" and generalized anxiety " I'm out in the world, everything is terrible, I'm gonna die".

As I get older, I get more anxious around groups of rowdy teens on my way to the subway. I often yell, comically, " old lady coming through " and the group steps aside.

I think it's important to monitor your reactions to see if they are proportiate to the situation.

Barbs thats a good one. I think I will use. A bunch of teens were coming from mcds after an after school event or game. They were having fun. We had had maybe our last snow storm but the weather was springlike it was late evening. I was enjoying the smiles and energy as these boys ran after one another throwing snow balls. then one barely missed me went into my cart. I will use old lady comming through next time.

Greetings to all. I have been off line for a while.
Susan, ditto, I am a loner I prefer it that way. I made myself become more outgoing so I wouldnt be called stuck up or crazy. My sister was also an introvert so I felt like one of us needs to act normal. Now, I became comfortable in my outgoing, it was fun and people liked me but I didnt really trust people and still don't. I was always anxious in an group unless it was my friends in high school where I met my first bestie girlfriend when we said we would be friends forever. I am still that way, although I find more and more I don't like to be around people. The older I get the less I want to be around folks.
What is normal?

My drama continues. I continues to despair watching my mother age. Now people come in probably my cousin use my supplies I buy and throw away my stuff. Today the cable box was taken out of the kitchen. I guess so I cant watch cable while I am cooking and cleaning. It threw me for a minute. I had to drag my self out of a self pity mode and realize its nothing new. I will just get converter box. It also gives me opportunity to get cable for myself get box in kitchen and my room but I am trying to pay off bills not make more.

I wrote my list of things I want to talk with my therapist about. things I need help with. The taking out the cable box type thing was one. how to deal with my things being thrown out (garbage cans) is the other.
When I came in this morning one of the shopping carts was parked in front of the refrigerator. When I pulled it back, there was a foam plate of molded old rotten food. Probably something I fixed for my mother and she wrapped and stored but it was obliviously placed there. I started to leave it but It stank and I threw it out. this is the kind of stuff I always find now someone comes across it and places it just so I can see it. Its so frustrating dealing with ignorance. I have been finding these things for over a year now. I don't know. some times I wish I knew what was going on in the minds of my twisted her son and what she tells my cousin. The other day I came down an noticed someone had washed the dishes I figured it was him bought in by my sister although he had not been around in a while, I really dont know when he comes I just see stuff done that nobody else bothers with but me. I want to give him something but he never answers when I text or call. I saw him last week said same and he said he wasn't answering his phone for about a month and that he bought my dish back. Now why on earth do I feel guilty for texting him to return my dish. He was using the mop and not rinsing it properly. I guess it was him but I don't know who or what be going on I just come and see stuff used or moved or thrown out or if I cant find it cant say what happened because it so many options.

It was uplifting to see that you are all putting down that wisdom and support as usual, its uplifting and energizing to see goodness at work. This forum gives me hope especially when I am reading real talk and gut truth responses much like me or how I feel sometimes even if I don't think it applies it still helps.

Much love and rays of peace and happiness to you all.

Introvert here too. Always have been. I think it really started when I was very young, four, maybe even three? Was on stage at some sort of Job's Daughters thing. I barely remember it. Was handing out some sort of scroll, maybe? And I had an accident on stage in front of everyone. I remember crying but that is about all. Hey all you Job's Daughters what was this ceremony?

Then losing my dad so young, 12, and being left with a wacky mom. I learned young it was not safe to show emotion. I remember at dad's funeral my grandma, mom's mom, telling us not to cry, we had to be strong for mom. 😟

I kinda like to think of it as stoicism a Scandinavian trait, I have been told. And always have my cinder block wagon with me where ever I go. Nothing will hurt me any more. So, I tend to isolate, enjoy my time alone. Still do some things like go out for coffee and chat with a couple ladies, go to dinner early, by myself, etc... Enjoy my job and people I work with, and citizens that come into my office, though they can be absolutely impossible sometimes and very angry.

Maybe I just get worn out through the day, dealing with people all day, and often people very angry with me that do not understand that I did not make the rules.

Normal is different for everyone.

Gershun I totally agree with you. My mother and twisted BD'Ys are 5/21 and 5/22 respectively. My twisted has never bought my mother a cake and last birthday I made dinner and invited family friends and my mother asked for her someone called and she wouldnt even come down. The year before that my son was leaving to go to Kansas for a stint and we did a party and gathering of his college friends who are so lovely group of men and women. It was packed, as my twisted is lighting the candles she says its not my birtday. I have no understanding. I think children like that are so spoiled that they dont know how to think about someone else. I could also see time that my mother know the type of monster she raised. When my nephew gave her a tv my mother says "she (twisted) was going to make him take it back and get a smaller one because it was bigger than hers." But guess what, my mother was the same way.

For a few days I was not dwelling on this type of stuff. Its just things are done sometimes out of spite and it sends me into this whirlwind thats hard to get out of. I forget how nasty and spitefull my mother was toward me most of my life and then bam! she says something or my face just triggers a hateful babbling. Like she cant even control it and the tones and words are so hateful it is shocking to hear again and then I feel sorry for my dumb butt that I accepted that type of treatnent most of my life.
I think its normal for me to have resentment. I think its normal for me to not be around people. I just dont think its normal how I stayed with this and still do and how I let it hurt me , my spirit, my body, my pressure is up. I get sad. I get forgetful. I get tearful when i see a brother and sister living to gether keeping their home doing teamwork. I often wonder will I ever be happy. Yes I have my momments but I am a loner but besides that I am find by myself. and when spiteful stuff happens it just reminds me that I am a lone and lonely. I sing praise and pray and it pulls me out of the funk but sometimes I forget to go there and boy its a sad place to be. Today I cried, not out of self pity but because I was sad. I miss love. I think if we dont get enough love in the mist of a lot of ugly that it can break us down. I sure hope I find a way or learn a way in therapy not to let stuff get me down.

Susan and 50schild, ya'll are normal. And like Dorianne, I see myself in your words.
Intoverts, we are a special kind. :)

Glad, I guess that is something that was instilled. My father knew he was going to die somehow and he just kept giving me orders like just put me in a pine box, I dont want no crying. We all just went through his death in a separate way no one talked about it, no onesaid its just us we have to stick together. I wanted to say these things, I wanted to tell my mother that if something happened to her I dont know what I would do. But it woulde have been me "taking over" "knowing everything". I was the only one going to the hospital everyday and I knew it would cause resentment in someway so I never asked either one why they hardly came. even with my father alive it was always about my mother and if not her my sister. I didnt get any. so I learned to be as you say "stoic". I learned not to cry to hold in my tears when my mother would slap me for no reason or because she was overwhelmed by something outside of me or when my heart would drop because I had to stop doing something becuse my sister wanted to. This was my norm. I grew up learning to hide my pain. The people I loved most had hurt my heart. Why would I let anyone in. I am still a deadpan face. It came in handy when worked EMS. People look at you to grade their situation. So that straight face help me a lot also in nursing. I would get shocked to hear people express surprise if I say I cried. I was just used to crying inside. Why do I still have to cry. Sometimes I feel like I am cursed to be sabbatoged and misunderstood and castrated. as I write this I remeber a pm a posteer sent me and I am uplifted again. Her words just wiped this whole post off the mapp but I am going to share it anyway.

I want to pm someone, as a pm they sent me was really helpful in pulling me out of a funk and just did so today but I can get the right spelling.

Just want to say that some words go a long way in healing and helping. Just the process of venting in this forum helpst me put things in perspective. thanks to all. I still have a lot of catching up to do but I will be off again for a while. The past few weeks I was just tired of my issues,, in fact I wasnt even dwelling on these things which was a blessing . I have often wished I was oblivious to things like my twisted. So things that would bother me just rolled off. I think I was just seeing things in a real prespective. I want to get that back what ever it was and keep it forever and ever. It was a good feeling because I saw the same things it just didnt bother me.

Being an introvert is one of the hardest things to manage alongside being mom's caregiver. When I started staying with mom - well, some of you might remember that I was feeling pretty driven to the brink over the lack of space and privacy!!! I tried setting up the little den as a private office, but mom never respected it very well, and having no windows, the air and light in there was kind of awful. Then I tried going home on the weekends, but I quickly discovered mom couldn't be left alone overnight. So. Now I use my car. It's been nearly 10 months since I've been here, quietly clenching and unclenching my hands.

My mom always thinks I'm an extravert because I can chat with people when I'm out in the world.  It's funny how people tend to think introversion is the same as being shy.  I mean, you can be both introverted and shy, but they're not the same thing.

I really just find that other people drain my energy. It's not their fault, and it includes even the people I love. Extraverts get energy from others, but me - I need to recharge after being around others. That means having alone time. I often think I became such a night owl because it was the only way I could get any private time growing up.

I never married because I can't get anyone to agree to having separate dwellings! Lol!  Or at least separate wings.  BFF says, "There's a very short list of people I can live with, and I'm married to him."  I used to think I would also eventually meet someone who would be the exception to the energy drain, but I'm nearly 50 and it hasn't happened....

I've noticed before that many of the regular posters on the forum describe themselves as introverts, it makes me wonder if part of our personality predisposes us to become caregivers or if it is just that we are more comfortable sharing with cyber friends than seeking out flesh and blood support. Hm.

cwillie - I don't know about being predisposed to being caregivers (I am definitely not!), but I do think introverts are the type to seek out support online.

There's something I find easier about communicating in writing - I've been online 23 years, and I feel like I was born for the computer/texting age!  (I also prefer to text with my friends than talk on the phone.)  I have time to think about what to say, and I don't have to respond right away - there's time to process what's said and how to reply...time to choose my words. I don't feel the same in verbal conversations. Sometimes I leave a lot unsaid, just because the conversation moves forward too fast and I don't get enough time to think. Also, maybe there's something about being able to have a group conversation without being overwhelmed by the presence of actual people! Lol.

Possibly not predisposed to being caregivers, no. But predisposed to thinking: "if you want a job done properly..." now, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Of course, one must speak for oneself.

Lol, nope, still not me, CM!

Honestly, in my case, it was empathy that drove me to being mom's caregiver. Knowing she is an extremely private person, and not at ALL social, and considers herself a loner, plus with her depression issues....she really does make me look like a social butterfly!

So my empathy (as an introvert who values privacy and solitude) made me think about what it would be like for her, having to share living space, perhaps even sleeping quarters, with strangers 24/7 in a care home. Even if she was lucky/wealthy enough to get a private room, I think it would have been truly awful for her.

Oooo, that raises another interesting point Dorianne, the introvert's aversion to communal living in facilities, especially if we recognize that the person we are caring for is introverted as well. If you need help with ADLs and are unlucky enough to have to share your room you literally never, ever have a moment alone (shudder).

I’m an introvert too. Customer service through my job provides a lot of social interaction and on my days off I need to recharge, alone time and only family. I find I am much happier. I talk via phone with friends I’ve know since grade school. One is an extrovert, a social butterfly, but lots of drama. Another friend is jealous of extrovert friend having other friends. I laugh because I’m so far removed from that stuff and happy I am.

Enjoy your introvert selves, we are not antisocial, we need down time to recharge where an extrovert recharges by being social.

Susan, we are all weird in some way or another. Caregivers once out of the deep push feel the need to breathe. As I recall, your daughter and her kids moving in didn't give you the breath for a while; now she is out again you don't have to "be on" all the time or "fixing" all the time. Survivors of childhood trauma and abuse end up with PTSD. We are constantly on guard for the next strike, whether it's conscious or not. I have explained again and again to my husband that being around his parents is a trigger for me, especially when his father was drinking. Ask me about the time I was sitting in a chair and his drunk father basically sat in my lap to visit and share the chair. Roomful of kids with us, I didn't feel like I could cause a scene. One of the biggest fights of our marriage later - that is NOT normal behavior toward a DIL. Many of us end up caregiving because we were programmed to service a narc parent and provide all needs. I call myself a social introvert. I need contact with others to still the memories in my head (not voices, I'm not crazy, just extremely capable of painful recollection). But I still like to sit on my own and read or watch TV. We are all hurting in one way or another. I'm glad to have found a community here and a thread where we can discuss such painful topics in an environment of love and acceptance and lack of judgment. It's rare and thanks for being there to all of you - too numerous to mention. I am grateful.

I may not fit in here. I'm a total extrovert. Staying with my mom isolated me and I hated that isolation. I felt like the real me was being held hostage. pJ and his family are all extroverts. The more people the merrier. I very rarely dislike the crowd. I had gotten to the point with my mom that I couldn't handle the dysfunction. At first around PJ and his family I was amazed at how well they got along together. I had forgotten that was the life I liked. I could never go back to the isolation. Occasionally, I like an evening reading by myself, but I don't want that all the time. We all need our own normal.

Guest, you hit the nail on the head there with something I had kind of forgotten about (see how that darn selective memory works?) - my parents were VERY much like that - we kids were made to do a lot of chores around the house, which we deeply resented. I'm not saying we shouldn't have had to do chores, but it seemed all of our friends had to do far less than we did. It did instill a strong work ethic in all of us, but there were things our parents were constantly asking us to do that were a bit beyond, and if you resisted, they laid a guilt trip that could knock you flat.

Case in point:
I was about 11 or so - this was after I went to my mother and told her of the abuse all of us kids were suffering at Dad's hands, so tensions in the house were high.
Dad wanted some ice cream in the evening and told me to go get some out of the basement freezer. I hated the basement and was involved doing something else, so I asked him if he couldn't go get it himself because I was busy.
He got up, stomped past me, muttering about not needing any stupid, ungrateful kids to help him, etc - which of course, made me feel incredibly guilty, and I rushed to help him. He shoved me backwards and told me he didn't need my help - which increased the guilt, of course.
Crazy crap like that. We were constantly called on to change TV channels while they sat in their chair or on the couch in front of the TV (which was no more than 6' away from them) - this was pre-remote days; we also had to make Dad his iced tea when he got home from work; etc.
My older sister got REALLY tired of making Dad his iced tea and decided she wasn't doing it anymore. Just before he got home from work, she got out the iced tea mix, his iced tea glass, spoon to stir it, and the ice cubes and laid them all neatly on the kitchen counter where he would see them when he came in. He came in, looked at it, walked right past it and sat down in the living room and told her to bring him a glass of iced tea. She pointed out she had laid the supplies out for him to do it himself, and he said, "I know - but I want you to do it."
Passive-aggressive rebellion backfired on her.

After so many years of being required to "serve" our parents, it's no wonder that I felt I was obligated to provide care for them when they needed it. It's not that I truly wanted to do it - it's that it needed to be done and I felt I really had no choice and couldn't say no - because we'd never been allowed to say no to them in our lives - ever.

I guess in thinking about this from another angle, this is another reason why I don't want my kids becoming my caregivers.  I have occasionally found myself falling into that habit my parents had - asking whatever child was handy to do something that I could easily do myself, and I've had to pull myself up short on it.  My kids had chores too - dishes, cleaning, etc - but not like my parents did to us kids, where every time you turned around, you couldn't do anything for yourself or have much free time, because you were constantly being called on to do something for Mom or Dad - the smallest, most trivial things, like changing the damn TV channel.  
My kids are adults and have their own lives.  I don't want them having to be responsible for my life, my care, my living arrangements, my meals - at any point.  

Another introvert here. I prize my time alone. Having R here day after day, as much as I care for him, is a challenge. And he is at work most of the day!

Interesting thoughts about being an introvert in a facility. Mother is an introvert, but she has adapted to a facilities very well. Her first ALF was one large room and meals were in the dining room. For several reasons she didn't last there more than 6 months. In the second ALF, she had a two bedroom unit much like her apartment.There was a dining room, but she chose to have meals prepared in her own unit (by aides), and eat there. She did go out to the large common room/library and do jigsaw puzzles, go to the attached very large mall, use the garden balcony, and got to know a few people. But, she could retreat to her apartment whenever she wanted to, and spent most of her time there alone. She read, watched news and spent time on her computer. During her year in geri psych hospital she had a large single room, and joined the others to watch tv sometimes. In her third ALF, again, she had a single room, ate alone at a small table, sat with a few others watching tv in the mornings or occasionally joined an activity and slept in her room in the afternoons. In the NH where she is now, she has a single room, (getting that so quickly was a concession by the system to address her needs), and her routine is much like the previous ALF , only I believe the staff try to engage her in activities more. I liken it to being in a hotel where you can stay in your room or go to a public area.

If I/we can have similar to mother, I see my needs for solitude being met, as long as there is a room I can get away to by myself sometimes.

Great comments on how our childhoods have affected us. I find I need time alone to process feelings and thoughts. As a child, life was somewhat of an anomaly - on the one hand I felt very lonely, dealing with all the dysfunctional issues, or the other hand, it was very hard to find time alone - either physically (as mother always intruded) or mentally/emotionally as the demands/guilt were there constantly. As I grew up one of my "internal cries"was "Leave me alone!" My mother and my sister would "peck" away at me and my faults, my life, as they saw it, Finally, I googled the phrase, and it led me to information about parents with personality disorders. After much reading, I came to the conclusion that mother had Borderline Personality Disorder, which was later confirmed by professionals. It was somewhat of a relief to learn what the problem was.

Had to laugh at the iced tea, though it is sad. Here, as I worked and had 4 kids, they all did appropriate chores from early on, but none of it was "doing for others" except that at one point, (ex) dh was in a habit of requiring middle son, the only one left in the house at the time, to make coffee for him. One day, middle son, a teen, after being asked once more to do it, sat and thought for a while, then quietly and respectfully said. "I don't drink coffee. I don't see why should have to do it." Ex looked at him, got up and made his own coffee and never asked him to do it again. I still chuckle over that.

We are having another cold blast with snow. Southern AB is having unusually low temps. I am thoroughly disgusted with it and don't want to go out to feel that frigid chill in the air. The only good thing is that we are having some bright sunshine, but we are not feeling the heat of the sun. It looks like we won't be above freezing till the second week of April. The large pile of snow on the lawn from driveway shovelling will last much longer than usual this year I think. Yuck!!!

It is interesting to think of childhood. My mom was a narc, but only with family until she got much, much older. She had a wide circle of friends who called and visited regularly. She was in a variety of clubs and played in 3 bridge clubs. My dad was quiet but he had a lot friends. He went on fishing and hunting trips. We visited the homes of our parents friends on the weekends and they came to our home. We went for three weeks every summer to the beach in NC and rented a large cottage with two other families my parents had known since their early 20's. I've thought about mom a lot lately. In retrospect she really changed after her two best friends died around 2005. The other big factor was my brother insisting she move to Ohio in 1995. She didn't have wide circle of friends and no family close by there. Her really poor behavior may have been magnified by those events.

My bad brother was totally anti-social always. Jay is quiet but has always had lots of friends. His friend Scott is coming next week to visit him. They've known each other since they were three years old.

I wonder if we did a survey of people who resist/embrace care homes and even home supports, would we find the lines drawn similarly around introverted/extraverted personality types? That DOES make me think about things a little differently!

Becky - we introverts NEED you extraverts to drag us out the door of our homes once in awhile, lol!

I was just thinking as I read some of your stories....with my mom, it's not that she compelled me to serve her so much as save her.

Maybe it was all the Wonder Woman comics I read when I was a kid, too, lol. But it was obvious to me even as a little one that mom needed....I dunno, I want to say - someone to take charge, but at the same time not be controlling. Maybe it was easier for her to accept leadership from a little kid who had no real control or power, than to accept it from a parent or a spouse. (And I say that "spouse" part even as a feminist!)  But then she'd fight my childish attempts at leadership, too, so it was all confusing and terrible. 

It was like some kind of weird enmeshment that I managed to wriggle out of, but that she continued to cling to, forever. Probably long after I built my own life, she knew I'd come save her one more time.

And here I am one more time....

I guess leadership IS a type of service, or can be.

The hardest things i continue to struggle with 1) waiting for the next downfall. I have a hard time trusting peace and contentment. 2) not becoming a doormat. It is a comfortable place at first as it is familiar.

Don’t miss the chaotic life my childhood was. I find it very hard to talk about at length without becoming depressed.

I’m looking forward to Easter with the grandsons and our dd. Hubs bought them soccer balls and hats, lol!

I soooooo appreciate this thread and all of you folks. I just wanted to say that. Other people really don't get any of this stuff. They think "Family First" is a life motto instead of a prison sentence.

I too feel drained by others. I have no issues speaking to others in public or face to face, but then I am zapped and cant wait to retreat. I seem to have a phone phobia, I refuse to talk on the phone if it is personal calls, but will handle business, or anything pertaining to Mom. But it is quite hard to have friendships this way. I am not a very good friend in that way. :(
I am a night owl as well, not too many people even understand that. But it is so relaxing to be up in the night while others are asleep. But it makes one more tired being a caregiver and night owl. I have been a night owl most of my life, only now has it become difficult.