
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Mom got frustrated, and because she wanted everyone to think we had this "perfect family", she would punish me for having bad grades by grounding me. I finally got tired of being grounded all the time and told her - as you said, quietly and respectfully - "You know, Mom - I realize my grades are bad. I'm trying to improve them. But you grounding me constantly doesn't make my grades get any better."
She was dumbstruck - and stopped grounding me. I overheard her telling a friend about that later - that she was floored that I possessed that kind of adult reasoning and wisdom to handle the situation like that instead of stomping off and slamming my door like any other teenager. lol
If one of us said that to our parents, we would have been physically punished. The boys would be beaten (kicked, punched). Unless you were their baby girl and baby boy (youngest.) Parents tell us to do something, we do it.
Closing on lot and water tap today. Think I will change the plan I chose. It is bigger than I really want so more than I want to spend too. Happy Easter weekend all!🐇🐰
Bro is actually driving up for sure tomorrow, barring some catastrophe. BFF is coming over today while mom's at dialysis to help me clean the apartment. (My dumb injury has been REALLY hurting this week.) It's not terrible or anything, but it's a little disorganized, and goodness knows when I last washed the floors. I'm sure he doesn't care, but I do, lol. And I'm really looking forward to seeing him.
Last night I turned down a really big band gig for the May long weekend. Sigh. It's out of town, and I just can't do it. Last time I went there for a gig was NYE, and I was just soooo stressed out about mom the whole time that I didn't have any fun. Plus she fell and was here on her own....I'd have to get respite to go anywhere overnight, but I don't even want to try for the May long....it's like getting a babysitter for NYE, you practically need to pay quadruple time and give half a year's advance notice!
dori - re introverts and facilities etc., I have a problem getting cleaning help as I don't want people I don't know in my house. I can afford it, I have names of reputable people, but I put off calling them, and I have to get over that.When I had a few Philipino ladies staying here I was quite happy that one of them cleaned and helped out instead of paying rent. It started with a friend of my dd's nanny needing a place, and then a few more came. I had the room and it worked fine. I know once I get to know someone I will be OK, but I keep putting it off. I think it is part of being an introvert. Mother, on the other hand, had cleaning ladies for years and years. She liked having servants. ETA - Have a great cleaning session - my floors need doing too! Enjoy bro.
susan - good for you standing up for yourself like that! Once when mother was ranting and raving (not unusual), I, at age 13, told her firmly to go to her room, and she did, ranting as she went up the stairs. Someone had to be the adult. That is what happens in dysfunctional families. We do not have a safe environment to be children, as we have to deal with things children should not have to, so we become little adults, but we pay a price for that - the loss of our childhood.
sharyn - lots of unhappy memories I know.
glad - hope you get it sorted out easily. Smaller seems to work better as we get older too.
becky - mother was busy and social with her Norwegian friends particularly. She often got too involved with projects like the local golf club - sort of obsessively so.
Everyone -take care. I have been reading but not posting always. As I have said it is a challenge for me having another person in the house even for parts of the day.
A perky nurse from the HN called and said mother needs more clothing -maybe 5 more outfits -tops and bottoms. Last time I checked mother had lots of clothes. On further discussion, what she really needs is pants that are longer. The nurse also suggested some flowered tops or red tops I told her mother does not wear flowered tops and she does not wear red.
Nurse "Oh, but summer is coming"
Me "Mother wears her sweaters in the summer and she likes solid, but subdued colours. Does she really need more tops?"
Nurse, with disappointment in her voice, "Well, no, but her pants are too short."
I went online and found some pants and ordered a couple of sizes, and we will see what survives the hot water laundry there. Then I called the nurse back and said they were being shipped and would be there within a couple of weeks.
Nurse "They are being shipped? When will we be seeing you?"
Me "I don't know. It is not easy for me to get there these days. Please remember that I am 80 and have chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia, and it has been a hard winter". I didn't add that I don't even want to go out in the cold to the grocery store. I have HAD cold for this year!!!
R goes down every second weekend, but returns for work on Monday and that is too short a time for me to travel (at night) and have any energy to get anything done while I am there. It was easier when he was there and I stayed for a week or more. Still trying to figure that out as I do have some things to do in E'ton.
Not sure that nurse has enough to do.
Anyway I thought Mother was bedridden and even her pants are too short they can pull her socks up and give her a blanket if she actually gets up into a chair.
Can you imagine what would happen if the CNA produced a bright orange blouse to go with her new pale purple pants.
I think you have indicated that her nastiness is always verbal but I could see a quick bite as they tried to pull it over her head.
Can't blame you for not wanting to make the trip I wouldn't either in your condition or mine. It really is too much. When you are 80 you get treated as though you are brain dead or if they want you to do something act like you are 50.
You are right it has been a long cold winter and it is not over yet. So keep warm by the fire, cuddle up with a good book and keep the kettle on.
Age discrimination is no fun. R was patronised by a government official on the phone the other day - his first experience of being treated as if he were brain dead. I look and move as if I were younger, so people may expect more of me. There are times I can do it and other times not. Mother called it the curse of looking well.
If mother was not pleased with what the clothing they were putting on her she would make it known. I believe she still can do it verbally, if provoked.
I did get out and got my nails done and did a big shopping. Now to clean out the fridge. I tend to do it in sections these days - the door one day, bins another and so on. The fire is blazing, and I have some serious reading to do, and a new brand of decaf to try out. The house is peaceful and I intend to enjoy that.
Glad your daughters are decluttering while hubby is elsewhere. Makes it so much easier. (((((hugs)))))
I've lost my humor lately. I don't know if I left it under a cushion or what. :P But I am getting tired of myself. So I can imagine how people who are around me must feel.
You two must tell me how you do it. My Mom's philosophy was to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and carry on. I wish I had inherited more of her strength. I feel so defeated these days.
I agree wth your mum - one foot in front of the other. Plod on through it, if that is all you can do at the time. I am sorry you feel so defeated. I wish and pray for you to have some joy and sunshine in your life, and a little fun.
Golden, when I was off work for 6 weeks with sciatica ( 2014), there was an aid at my mom’s facility who started calling me saying my mom was depressed and missed my visits. I could not sit or stand from the pain. She called 2 times. I was very annoyed and angry that I complained to the memory care director. These people step over family members boundaries.
I understand what you mean with R home more often. It has been an adjustment with my hubs retired. I don’t get any time by myself in the house. Lol!, I wish he would take up golfing or something, haha!
Have a Happy Easter weekend everyone.
Boys and soccer - what fun!!! That should keep hubs occupied for a while.
I texted him back that she'll be disappointed, so maybe he can call her when she's up (I can text him when), and he's like "I'll call Sunday, but it's only a few days." So I texted back that mom has little to look forward too, and her whole face lights up any time someone mentions him coming to visit, so she'll want to hear his voice after getting so excited....he hasn't texted me back again.
It's not "only a week" when you're mind is confused and like a little kid's. And jeez, I wish I got time to feel unwell and not have to get up anyway and drive her to dialysis....
I know he probably doesn't understand how badly she is doing, or how her mind is. But I just.....URRRRGGGHHH!!!!!
Edit: plus I made 2 pans of brownies.....
Edit again: I know I said I wanted to rebuild my relationship with my bro, but I really do hate my family sometimes.....
I am so sorry your brother let you down. I know the feeling well. I love my brother Jay, but right I would love to bash him good. Sometimes he an irresponsible idiot and sometimes he doesn't stop to think how his plans and choices impact the lives of those around him.
Soccer was fun, mostly at this age it is team building skills, not actual games. Dd is co- coaching with 2 other ladies. I went to help keep an eye on those who lost interest and would run away from the group. Then we came to my house and colored eggs in whipped cream with food coloring added. We did it outside, the boys loved the whipped cream, lol!
Dori, (((hugs)))!! The disappointment is hard to take. I’m sorry your brother isn’t up to visiting.
Me: "Whatcha doing?"
Mom: "Contemplating."
Me: "Contemplating what?"
Mom: "Oh, nothing. Getting up."
Me: *breaks the news very gently and "positively" ("He's coming Friday.")*
Mom: "Oh." *decides to go back to sleep till dinner*
She wants to see her son so badly. Who could blame a mother for that. Jeez, I could kick his behind right now.
Those who do not provide the care don't understand how important these things become - and what a terrible position it puts the caregiver in to have to deal with the fallout.
Sharyn when my kids started soccer, about four I guess, like watching swarms of bees running with that ball. Happy memories. Have fun and enjoy it, the bee swarms only last a couple of years.😉
I brought dinner to my folks last night and we celebrated the holiday then. Mom was on her best behavior so it was a nice visit. Sis and her family planned to take them to a restaurant today. I hope it went well.
Dad is so weak now, he can only walk a few steps without wanting to sit down. Last night his legs were shaking when he stood up from the table. All he wants to do is sleep. He never used to complain about physical discomfort but now he often says he is not feeling well. It's like he is slowly fading away. To be honest I did not think he would last this long but he is a tough bird.
My husband and I were going over how much things have changed since Dad had sepsis 4 years ago. Before Dad got sick, my folks were completely independent. Dad beat the sepsis but he quickly went downhill and so did Mom. They are now under 24/7 care. Guess I'm feeling a bit blue about it all.....
Trying to eat my disappointment in bro. Convinced him (sweetly) to give mom a call himself Saturday evening, so he did. Swears he is coming on Friday. Apparently he's bringing all the new Star Wars movies to watch.....I can't imagine mom even understanding them, but I don't think he realizes that yet. (Plus I'm sure she'd much rather watch Some Like it Hot for the 187th time!) It actually snowed on the highway yesterday, so I hope it's clear by the weekend. He hasn't driven on snow in decades.
One of my girlfriends was here from out of town on the weekend, so she and BFF came over Saturday afternoon, and we destroyed one of the pans of brownies. Me, mom and the home support ladies have just about demolished the other (they're only 8x8 pans, lol).
My friend is caring for her schizophrenic adult son, BFF has her mom living with her.....we all understand one another well enough not to break a socializing date, lol. Mom was asleep, so I closed her door, and we had a nice venting session in whispers.
Mom is off to dialysis shortly....no holidays for kidney patients. Hope you are all having a lovely long weekend!