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Dori, you are right. I see many families with toxic dysfunction yet they believe their family is perfectly fine while being miserable. You all know I loved my mom, but I did not like the person she was as a result of a personality disorder.
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Golden, I love that your middle son stood up to your (ex) DH and said that about the coffee-making - and that it solved the problem! I did something similar with my mother over grades. Naturally, there was a long period of stress and depression that followed my telling my mother that Dad had been abusing all of us kids for a long time - as long as we could remember - and my grades suffered for it. I used to be on the honor roll, getting all A's and B's - but after all the abuse came out and Mom forced us to stay together as a family with Dad and go to "family counseling", I never got higher than a C in any class and often failed subjects. I just didn't care anymore.
Mom got frustrated, and because she wanted everyone to think we had this "perfect family", she would punish me for having bad grades by grounding me. I finally got tired of being grounded all the time and told her - as you said, quietly and respectfully - "You know, Mom - I realize my grades are bad. I'm trying to improve them. But you grounding me constantly doesn't make my grades get any better."
She was dumbstruck - and stopped grounding me. I overheard her telling a friend about that later - that she was floored that I possessed that kind of adult reasoning and wisdom to handle the situation like that instead of stomping off and slamming my door like any other teenager. lol
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I'm a shy introvert. I was fortunate to become friends with a couple about 10 years older than me when I was in my early 20's. They helped me to get out of my shell, to learn to express myself, to meet/greet people - instead of my usual desire to find a seat and sit there the whole time. I find any interactions with people (including fave sis) to be very draining.

If one of us said that to our parents, we would have been physically punished. The boys would be beaten (kicked, punched). Unless you were their baby girl and baby boy (youngest.) Parents tell us to do something, we do it.
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I have had only one real blood draw fishing experiences. My arm was bruised for a couple of weeks after. It was at a health fair where many phlebotomy students volunteer. Last time I did blood draw at a health fair!😵

Closing on lot and water tap today. Think I will change the plan I chose. It is bigger than I really want so more than I want to spend too. Happy Easter weekend all!🐇🐰
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When I was visiting niece in Colorado, she was going through lab works as part of her college course. She needed to draw 15 blood, with her instructor there attending. I really didn't want her to do mine but all my sibs were doing it, so I decided to do it too. I now have a raised scar over my very good vein. No fishing but left a scar.
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Both my arms are currently black and blue from numerous blood draws but they will get better and I manage to do no more than a muffled Oooh and don't look till the needle is in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Well, Happy Easter indeed!

Bro is actually driving up for sure tomorrow, barring some catastrophe. BFF is coming over today while mom's at dialysis to help me clean the apartment. (My dumb injury has been REALLY hurting this week.) It's not terrible or anything, but it's a little disorganized, and goodness knows when I last washed the floors.  I'm sure he doesn't care, but I do, lol.  And I'm really looking forward to seeing him.

Last night I turned down a really big band gig for the May long weekend. Sigh. It's out of town, and I just can't do it. Last time I went there for a gig was NYE, and I was just soooo stressed out about mom the whole time that I didn't have any fun. Plus she fell and was here on her own....I'd have to get respite to go anywhere overnight, but I don't even want to try for the May long....it's like getting a babysitter for NYE, you practically need to pay quadruple time and give half a year's advance notice!
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veronica -hope you heal fast!

dori - re introverts and facilities etc., I have a problem getting cleaning help as I don't want people I don't know in my house. I can afford it, I have names of reputable people, but I put off calling them, and I have to get over that.When I had a few Philipino ladies staying here I was quite happy that one of them cleaned and helped out instead of paying rent. It started with a friend of my dd's nanny needing a place, and then a few more came. I had the room and it worked fine. I know once I get to know someone I will be OK, but I keep putting it off. I think it is part of being an introvert. Mother, on the other hand, had cleaning ladies for years and years. She liked having servants. ETA - Have a great cleaning session - my floors need doing too! Enjoy bro.

susan - good for you standing up for yourself like that! Once when mother was ranting and raving (not unusual), I, at age 13, told her firmly to go to her room, and she did, ranting as she went up the stairs. Someone had to be the adult. That is what happens in dysfunctional families. We do not have a safe environment to be children, as we have to deal with things children should not have to, so we become little adults, but we pay a price for that - the loss of our childhood.

sharyn - lots of unhappy memories I know.

glad - hope you get it sorted out easily. Smaller seems to work better as we get older too.

becky - mother was busy and social with her Norwegian friends particularly. She often got too involved with projects like the local golf club - sort of obsessively so.

Everyone -take care. I have been reading but not posting always. As I have said it is a challenge for me having another person in the house even for parts of the day.
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Now I am annoyed!!!

A perky nurse from the HN called and said mother needs more clothing -maybe 5 more outfits -tops and bottoms. Last time I checked mother had lots of clothes. On further discussion, what she really needs is pants that are longer. The nurse also suggested some flowered tops or red tops I told her mother does not wear flowered tops and she does not wear red.

Nurse "Oh, but summer is coming"

Me "Mother wears her sweaters in the summer and she likes solid, but subdued colours. Does she really need more tops?"

Nurse, with disappointment in her voice, "Well, no, but her pants are too short."

I went online and found some pants and ordered a couple of sizes, and we will see what survives the hot water laundry there. Then I called the nurse back and said they were being shipped and would be there within a couple of weeks.

Nurse "They are being shipped? When will we be seeing you?"

Me "I don't know. It is not easy for me to get there these days. Please remember that I am 80 and have chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia, and it has been a hard winter". I didn't add that I don't even want to go out in the cold to the grocery store. I have HAD cold for this year!!!

R goes down every second weekend, but returns for work on Monday and that is too short a time for me to travel (at night) and have any energy to get anything done while I am there. It was easier when he was there and I stayed for a week or more. Still trying to figure that out as I do have some things to do in E'ton.

Not sure that nurse has enough to do.
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Oh Golden the nurse has plenty to do she just likes throwing her weight around and not getting on with what she is supposed to do.
Anyway I thought Mother was bedridden and even her pants are too short they can pull her socks up and give her a blanket if she actually gets up into a chair.
Can you imagine what would happen if the CNA produced a bright orange blouse to go with her new pale purple pants.
I think you have indicated that her nastiness is always verbal but I could see a quick bite as they tried to pull it over her head.
Can't blame you for not wanting to make the trip I wouldn't either in your condition or mine. It really is too much. When you are 80 you get treated as though you are brain dead or if they want you to do something act like you are 50.
You are right it has been a long cold winter and it is not over yet. So keep warm by the fire, cuddle up with a good book and keep the kettle on.
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thx Veronica -mother spends part of her day in a wheel chair and is in it for meals. I agree that they can cover her with a blanket, and they normally do, so her legs are warm and no one sees the short pants. I think this gal has an agenda - part of which is to get me in there for a visit. She does not have a clue about what is involved, nor what my history is with mother. I will make the trip once R and I have figured out the logistics, but in my own time and I will not be spending much time with mother, as usual. I don't shop much in Eton any more, so wouldn't have a clue where to look for pants for mother like the ones I found online.

Age discrimination is no fun. R was patronised by a government official on the phone the other day - his first experience of being treated as if he were brain dead. I look and move as if I were younger, so people may expect more of me. There are times I can do it and other times not. Mother called it the curse of looking well.

If mother was not pleased with what the clothing they were putting on her she would make it known. I believe she still can do it verbally, if provoked.

I did get out and got my nails done and did a big shopping. Now to clean out the fridge. I tend to do it in sections these days - the door one day, bins another and so on. The fire is blazing, and I have some serious reading to do, and a new brand of decaf to try out. The house is peaceful and I intend to enjoy that.

Glad your daughters are decluttering while hubby is elsewhere. Makes it so much easier. (((((hugs)))))
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Golden and Veronica, when I read your posts I have to remind myself that you are the ages that you are. You are marvels as far as I'm concerned. I'm just 56 and I already feel myself slowing down. I think the mental fatigue that comes with depression weighs me down and thus the physical ailments that follow.

I've lost my humor lately. I don't know if I left it under a cushion or what. :P But I am getting tired of myself. So I can imagine how people who are around me must feel.

You two must tell me how you do it. My Mom's philosophy was to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and carry on. I wish I had inherited more of her strength. I feel so defeated these days.
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((((((gershun)))))You sound burnt out. We can get that way from caregiving and also from just - life. You have suffered a significant loss, which is energy robbing. After we peak as very young adults, we all start to slow down. Depression is horrid. Being tired of yourself (BTDT) may not be a bad thing in the long run. I have lost my joy and humor several times in life, but it has come back. I think yours will.

I agree wth your mum - one foot in front of the other. Plod on through it, if that is all you can do at the time. I am sorry you feel so defeated. I wish and pray for you to have some joy and sunshine in your life, and a little fun.
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Thank-you Golden! :)
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Gershun, you will get through this! Your mom was right, one foot in front of the other. Rest when you can. (((Hugs)))!!

Golden, when I was off work for 6 weeks with sciatica ( 2014), there was an aid at my mom’s facility who started calling me saying my mom was depressed and missed my visits. I could not sit or stand from the pain. She called 2 times. I was very annoyed and angry that I complained to the memory care director. These people step over family members boundaries.

I understand what you mean with R home more often. It has been an adjustment with my hubs retired. I don’t get any time by myself in the house. Lol!, I wish he would take up golfing or something, haha!

Have a Happy Easter weekend everyone.
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The boys start soccer today. This should be fun/funny, balls and toddlers going every which way!
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sharyn - I remember that. I can see this one cooking up ideas of what she thinks should be happening, and what mother should be wearing, but she is off base. Mother never wore anything flowered in her life. Five new outfits, indeed. Mother is not a barbie doll to be dressed according to someone else's tastes, and she wears sweaters in the summer as she gets cold. Can't imagine retirement. I hear you. R has to keep busy and prefers to be outdoors. He has needed something for the weekends he has to be here, so we got him snowshoes to explore the trail system in the woods across from the house and beyond. That way he can be out, and take his cell with him. He tried them Thursday and pronounced them good. The snow will be around for a few weeks yet, so he can have some use of them this year. A few hours of plodding through the snow should tire him out.

Boys and soccer - what fun!!! That should keep hubs occupied for a while. 
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Now my brother says he isn't well enough to come today so he is coming next Friday and will stay till Sunday. And I know it's less than a week, but I could frickin' KILL him!

I texted him back that she'll be disappointed, so maybe he can call her when she's up (I can text him when), and he's like "I'll call Sunday, but it's only a few days." So I texted back that mom has little to look forward too, and her whole face lights up any time someone mentions him coming to visit, so she'll want to hear his voice after getting so excited....he hasn't texted me back again.

It's not "only a week" when you're mind is confused and like a little kid's. And jeez, I wish I got time to feel unwell and not have to get up anyway and drive her to dialysis....

I know he probably doesn't understand how badly she is doing, or how her mind is. But I just.....URRRRGGGHHH!!!!!

Edit:  plus I made 2 pans of brownies.....

Edit again:  I know I said I wanted to rebuild my relationship with my bro, but I really do hate my family sometimes.....
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Dori,

I am so sorry your brother let you down. I know the feeling well. I love my brother Jay, but right I would love to bash him good. Sometimes he an irresponsible idiot and sometimes he doesn't stop to think how his plans and choices impact the lives of those around him.
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Golden, my sister dressed our mom according to sis’s taste not what our mom would have picked out for herself. Same with our mom’s hair. I guess I shouldn’t have let it bother me but it did because if our mom was able to stand up for herself, she would not wanted it. Yes I agree, this aid at your mom’s facility is being intrusive...beyond the bounds of her position.

Soccer was fun, mostly at this age it is team building skills, not actual games. Dd is co- coaching with 2 other ladies. I went to help keep an eye on those who lost interest and would run away from the group. Then we came to my house and colored eggs in whipped cream with food coloring added. We did it outside, the boys loved the whipped cream, lol!

Dori, (((hugs)))!! The disappointment is hard to take. I’m sorry your brother isn’t up to visiting.
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Doriane, your brother sounds like my brother was with my Mom. My Mom felt the sun and moon shone right out of his butt. But he can be such a jerk. You are right.........people who are in nursing homes and isolated, count on the visits and it's mean to let them down. I remember one time just after my Mom was transitioned to nursing care. I always phoned the day before to let her know I'd be coming. There was this one day when I woke up and wasn't feeling like it but I went anyway. My Mom was sitting there all spruced up. She had actually gotten dressed that day which was very rare for her. She usually was in her gown all the time. When I saw her sitting there looking so pleased with herself, I had to leave the room for a minute to cry cause I had come so close to not coming that day and I can imagine how disappointed she would have been. I still get teary -eyed when I think of that day. It was one day in a sea of days but it stands out for me for some reason.
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Yeah, so this happened. Went in to check on mom. She was sitting up on the side of the bed. Note that it was about the time my bro could be expected to come over, being all checked in to the hotel across the parking lot.

Me: "Whatcha doing?"

Mom: "Contemplating."

Me: "Contemplating what?"

Mom: "Oh, nothing. Getting up."

Me: *breaks the news very gently and "positively" ("He's coming Friday.")*

Mom: "Oh." *decides to go back to sleep till dinner*

She wants to see her son so badly. Who could blame a mother for that. Jeez, I could kick his behind right now.
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Gershun, Your Mom was smart. One foot in front of the other. Good advice for anyone.
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Dori, sorry to hear your brother did that. So frustrating.

Those who do not provide the care don't understand how important these things become - and what a terrible position it puts the caregiver in to have to deal with the fallout.
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My mom would ask often about the twisteds. I never let her know how absolutely crazy they were and how completely unpredictable and difficult my life, so of course mom's, had become. When she asked about them and when she would see them I found that a good time for a therapeutic lie. I would tell mom that twisteds were just there to see her yesterday. It was hard to do because it would have been much nicer for me if mom was just as angry and hurt by their behaviors and vindictiveness as I was. But, really, what would have been the point? Who would have benefited from that? No one. So those of you hurt by sibs, just try to let it go, it will be better for everyone.
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Glad, I’m so happy about your plans for a new home! I know how happy I am with our home. Our old home had a lot of great memories, but I just could not get hubs to repair things. Plus there was there issue that the few repairs we did do over the years, uncovered bigger issues like the bathrooms were tiled right on the sheet rock with no barrier to protect the sheet rock from moisture. Anyway, you will have so much fun picking out your counters, cabinets, planting your gardens.
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It will be fun once I decide on the plan. Now I can make mudpies. 😕 And came out the other side f caregiving, though a bit scathed.

Sharyn when my kids started soccer, about four I guess, like watching swarms of bees running with that ball. Happy memories. Have fun and enjoy it, the bee swarms only last a couple of years.😉
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Happy Easter everyone! I hope everyone has had a good weekend. My weekend has been pretty good although my brother has created a little drama. We had 49 for dinner. Everything went smoothly and the food was good - except the usual strange concoction from a friend who is a terrible cook. Good to be at the lake with the big commercial kitchen and plenty of room. Guys are still over there watching baseball (and probably eating leftovers). Enjoy your time with whoever is around. I really miss Pam. She always sent me a box of the Czech pastries she made every year for Easter.But, I miss her more than the pastries.
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Happy Easter! Happy Passover!
I brought dinner to my folks last night and we celebrated the holiday then. Mom was on her best behavior so it was a nice visit. Sis and her family planned to take them to a restaurant today. I hope it went well.

Dad is so weak now, he can only walk a few steps without wanting to sit down. Last night his legs were shaking when he stood up from the table. All he wants to do is sleep. He never used to complain about physical discomfort but now he often says he is not feeling well. It's like he is slowly fading away. To be honest I did not think he would last this long but he is a tough bird.

My husband and I were going over how much things have changed since Dad had sepsis 4 years ago. Before Dad got sick, my folks were completely independent. Dad beat the sepsis but he quickly went downhill and so did Mom. They are now under 24/7 care. Guess I'm feeling a bit blue about it all.....
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Happy Everything - didn't make it into the forum yesterday, as I had a completely lazy day.

Trying to eat my disappointment in bro. Convinced him (sweetly) to give mom a call himself Saturday evening, so he did. Swears he is coming on Friday. Apparently he's bringing all the new Star Wars movies to watch.....I can't imagine mom even understanding them, but I don't think he realizes that yet. (Plus I'm sure she'd much rather watch Some Like it Hot for the 187th time!)  It actually snowed on the highway yesterday, so I hope it's clear by the weekend. He hasn't driven on snow in decades.

One of my girlfriends was here from out of town on the weekend, so she and BFF came over Saturday afternoon, and we destroyed one of the pans of brownies. Me, mom and the home support ladies have just about demolished the other (they're only 8x8 pans, lol).

My friend is caring for her schizophrenic adult son, BFF has her mom living with her.....we all understand one another well enough not to break a socializing date, lol. Mom was asleep, so I closed her door, and we had a nice venting session in whispers.

Mom is off to dialysis shortly....no holidays for kidney patients. Hope you are all having a lovely long weekend!
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