The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sat down with 69 year old friend and her mother this morning. I've decided to take the bull by the horns - if they want me to help, it is on my terms. 91 year old mother is now consolidating her assets - she has some stock in 2 companies and investment portfolios that are small and in 5 places. I suggested that at this time, it was worth cashing out the stocks while market is high; put the cash against the balance on home equity loan; and pay off outstanding credit card debt. The 91 year old pays for 98% of the household. If she goes first, 69 year old friend is *hosed*. They have so entwined their finances that I'm not sure the 91 year old would qualify for Medicaid...Today we are checking to see about closing out the investment accounts that she can't track and is not willing to let me help administer. Her 69 daughter cannot remember her bank password when sitting next to me (but supposedly is checking every day). I copied and printed out Do Not Resuscitate forms, Durable Power of Attorney forms, and Sample Wills that are legal in our state. I told them both my assistance requires these be filled out as well as HIPAA so that someone can talk on their behalf if one of them goes down. The 91 year old can't hear or see well (macular) and the 69 year old is definitely showing signs of metabolic dementia after poorly controlled diabetes and high blood pressure for 30 years. However, it was great to talk with husband about what I was doing. If you are serious about boundaries, this is what it looks like. If you aren't serious, keep on the way you are and I'll watch you and your brother flail around like Flipper. Have fun!
Hope that all of you out there have a better week. Not bad here, just boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!!! Hubs is having lunch with bro this week to discuss. HA.

Becky — such a sweet tribute to Pam. 💛

This one I could not pass on I learned the word dysfunctional family at 24 when my first visit to the physiatrist. After talking for a few minutes he asked me what I wanted from my life. I Wanted to be normal with a happy normal life. Then he asked what I thought normal was? I remember thinking he's in worse shape then me. I had problems but he seemed lost an he was the expert.well 30 years later I get it. There is no such thing as perfect or normal really. An we make our own normal no one is exempt from life an it's upheavals. I know that I've raised a 4th generation of a dysfunctional family but the difference is I educated them on dysfunctional as well as thaught them that crazy is OK too. Laugh when ever possible be kind to yourself and others. Always do the best you can be responsible for your actions. honest to yourself an others. That way no matter what comes your way you'll be ready an when it passes because all things do. You will know you gave it your all. That goes for caregiving as well if not even more. Try to always remember they are first our love ones. Some of their behavior comes from the guilt of putting us in this place they think is so horrible, witch really isn't if we just had the right support.

Sepsis is what causes my Mom's ultimate decline too. She recovered but was really never the same after that.

My brother's visits with my Mom were always mostly about him. The comment about brother bringing Star Wars tapes kind of reminded me about one time Hubs and I went to visit Mom in rehab. My brother happened to be there at the same time. He decided it would be great fun pushing my Mom in her wheelchair around the facility. Pushing her forward really fast like kids do with shopping carts while Hubs and I do what? Run behind............?!!!!

Oh my gosh, Gershun! Was your mom scared? And yup, my bro's time with mom - or me - has often been about him. What he likes is to watch movies, so that's what he's planned whenever he's seen us. Which would be ok if he didn't always choose the movies! They're usually so....male, lol.


Today on the way to dialysis, I said to mom, "So I guess (Bro's name) is gonna make us watch the new Star Wars movies."

"Oh," she said. Then after a pause, "Sh*t."

Lol! I guess her mind isn't all the way gone yet!

I said, "It might not be too bad - at least the main character is a girl this time." And that got her a little bit interested, at least!


Have you guys ever heard about the "Bechdel Test"? It's from a comic written and drawn by Alison Bechdel, but it's become kind of popularized.  To pass the Bechdel Test, a movie has to 1) have at least 2 women in it, 2) who talk to each other, 3) about something besides a man.

Speaking of good movies. I like the quirky ones that don't make the headlines usually. Hubs and I rented a good one the day before he left for work again. It was called "Brad's Status" Ben Stiller was the main character in it. He usually does comedic roles but he is a great actor in serious ones too. This was a comedy/drama I guess you would call it. Not a lot of women in it but it was good. I'd highly recommend it. You can rent it on pay per view.

Tonight, I am going to watch The good doctor" on t.v.
Maybe I can figure out what to do for my own savant in the house.

Mom is happily watching Call the Midwife on Netflix right now. She could watch it endlessly, I think. It's pretty good, but I've seen all the episodes a couple of times now....

Gershun, I don't know the password for mom's pay-per-view channels, and she has forgotten it! Fortunately she has a lot of "on demand" movie channels, and I have a Netflix account, so I'll keep my eye out for that one.

Hi all, I missed you and I hope you are all well. I just looked at a few post on blood drawing. When I worked in ER I became very good practicing or rather taking every opportunity to start a line or draw blood from the AOB patients. The expertise came from voluntary patients at the methadone clinic, IV drug users who didnt mind fishing for a vein. They would tell me to go to feet and hands sometimesto find good spots. Just sharing. The most difficult for me and it was just a few times were young children for some reason maybe the viens being more supple.
I am not really caught up.
Golden Hooray for you to do you and know your mother is okay. As ususal that was golden advice to Gershun.
Gershun I am rooting for you. I am again just coming out of a funk. Some days my only thing to look forward to is what I am going to cook. And now that is all changed because my mother is worse and well, I just cant get used to the limitations of using the convection oven, then using a hotplate to boil stuff to make potatos or rice. One thing at a time or the skillet to make bacon andhomefries and eggs, unplug to use convection for cheese toast.

I didnt even realize it was Easter, thats how out of touch or maybe how solidary my life is until someone mentioned bringing psalms for my mother. Auntie J. So I did get a little joy out of buying my easter plants Which I do every year since I can remember. So HomD#$$#@ ot was out of the question this year because hardly any of the plants I bought blossomed and I didnt keep receipt. The evergreen bush I bought for a front yard pot started dying before the summer ended.

I picked out a white and deep pink azaelia and some purple hyacinths. Excuse spelling please. I would like to get a perennial garden where every thing pops up during each season. I planted some daffodils last fall I am looking to see what they do so that whole process helped me out of the funk.

I am reading this book the Celestine Prohecy. Its cool. Especially about how we embrace energy, love. Looking at a plant does wonders for me. I read long time ago how we should embrace trees also. They hold a lot of history a lot of life.

I have a colonoscopy and endoscopy this week. I will be glad to get it done and over. My therapist thing is working nice so far. Its helped already. Learning about my anger issues. I dont speak to my sister but he says I should voice that I am very angry which amazingly I have never said. I think that deep down I have rooted that I have no rights and real vultures can tapp in on that fast. Not a total push over just takes me a while to put things together which is not a pretty sometimes.

The cable box is back in the kitchen with plug and tv is on. I went to get a converter box that didnt work. Bought another one didnt work , took upstairs to my tv and it worked realized it had maybe be set to cable antenna down stairs. So now I have a new antenna and I will be returning one of the boxes. It made me feel a little better because it saddens me where my family is now. the hostility, the ugly that is extended due to misinterpretation. the ignorance. Then I look at my twisted and how she deals with my mother. how she talks to her. Seems there iw no patience and it like she gives orders to a dog. she comes home and goes straight upstairs sometimes she brings her tea.
meanwhile she walks past and over soaked pads of pee or do. Feels she does not have to go in the kitchen or bath where a lot of damage is done. Do not mop, weep , clean or even put sheet or change sheets. Then I get flash backs of her and my mother's actions and I feel they deserve each other. I talk to my mother like she is my baby there are moments though where I cant take the constant babbling, rummaging, and constant interferance when I am cooking or cleaning. then lately she is at the door when I leave and its a mild struggle. Then she is getting worse about this food stuff. I seasoned and set up a pan of turkey wings and chicken wings, next morning the wings were gone. A waste, I have to make more adjustments in my mode of operation but it is so tiresome and frustrationing. I mean I can't put anything down when she is around.
And when she does not eat, it scares me.because I dont see anyone else feeding her daily so when I work if she doesnt eat much of the breakfast I bring in or much of the dinner when I leave it means she not eating.
So even though I feel guilty some times I just take a needed break from her. I realize that she is a drain in every aspect and I am trying to build her up but not getting built up and when I reach a certain point I have to take a break. so I leave that dang pee and do in the hall and walk over it like everyone else. Even if I know in two days I will be cleaning and moping.
Then sunday on way to work my mom is in the living room not eating and my sister is upstairs iwth Auntij watching a moviwe. then she has her own fridge but empty a tray of ice and just leaves it. I had plant for AJ told her to take bag in hall when she leaves and wwent to work. Shedidnt understand me. left bag but thank goodness the icetray was back in fridge because I love my ice water and constantly turn trays and bag ice its very insulting to me when someone leaves an empty tray.

Hey thanks for letting me vent. I Hope all is well and I get a chance to catch up more soon.
Rays of love and light to all.

Duck-((HUGS))

My brother has 18 months to live without a lung transplant. He will placed on the transplant list in about 6 weeks or less. I can’t believe this is happening to him. Prayers and positive thoughts appreciated.

Prayers your way Sharyn.. This is scarey

Sharon, Prayers. I'm so sorry that your brother and your family are facing this health crisis.

Sharyn, so sorry.

Sharyn, my thoughts are with you and your family at this time.

sharyn (((((hugs)))) and prayers for your bro and you and the family. I remember a year or so ago you mentioned he had lung problems.I hope he gets a transplant soon.

Thank you everyone! I’m trying to get my mind around this even though he was dx about 6 years ago with interstitial fibrosis/pneumonia. A double lung transplant does not have a great 1 year survival rate. I’ll get more info from my sister-in-law after everyone has some time to process this news. I may go see him in October.

Sharyn, so sorry to hear this. Will be thinking of you and family.

Sharyn, much love and prayers for you and your family. (HUG)

Sharyn, love and prayers and strength to you and your family.

((((HUGS))))) to you all. Smile, draw positive energry by giving it. Enjoy the flowers and the trees and the birds. There is magic in the air. Day after Easter Sunday we had a snow storm it was beautiful how the snow coats the trees and all and how it shimmers if you look at it a certain way like daimond powder is mixed in. Next day it was gone. I am taking in every bit of beauty I see out here because that is all I have to build myself up. I go home, most likely meet frustration, even if I dont I am still alone which I like actully love but I know I have to find joy insomething or I just go down into a bad funk and just dont care.

Anyways spring is here, April showers bring May flowers and flowers are just beautiful.

((((HUGS))))) to you all. Smile, draw positive energry by giving it. Enjoy the flowers and the trees and the birds. There is magic in the air. Day after Easter Sunday we had a snow storm it was beautiful how the snow coats the trees and all and how it shimmers if you look at it a certain way like daimond powder is mixed in. Next day it was gone. I am taking in every bit of beauty I see out here because that is all I have to build myself up. I go home, most likely meet frustration, even if I dont I am still alone which I like actually love but I know I have to find joy insomething or I just go down into a bad funk and just dont care.

Anyways spring is here, April showers bring May flowers and flowers are just beautiful.

((((HUGS))))) to you all. Smile, draw positive energry by giving it. Enjoy the flowers and the trees and the birds. There is magic in the air. Day after Easter Sunday we had a snow storm it was beautiful how the snow coats the trees and all and how it shimmers if you look at it a certain way like daimond powder is mixed in. Next day it was gone. I am taking in every bit of beauty I see out here because that is all I have to build myself up. I go home, most likely meet frustration, even if I dont I am still alone which I like actually love but I know I have to find joy in something or I just go down into a bad funk and just dont care.

Anyways spring is here, April showers bring May flowers and flowers are just beautiful.

(((((Sharyn and family)))))

I'm so sorry Sharon.

Hang in there, Sharyn

Poor mom. As I was putting her to bed tonight, she said weakly, "Is (Bro's Name) coming tomorrow?"

"No mom. Today's Wednesday. He's coming Friday."

"Friday?" Deep sigh.  I know she'll probably sleep all through tomorrow now. 

I feel sad for her. He didn't come for Christmas like he said. He didn't come for Easter like he said. He almost never calls. She's like a little kid sometimes, with her mind going.....this is like being a divorced mom, watching your kid sitting vigil at the living room window, watching for daddy's car all weekend....

Dorianne, it's especially difficult when you yourself would ideally like to go on having some kind of positive relationship with your sibling. If it weren't for that, you could just call him up and snarl "your dying mother wants to see you, a**hole."

I still can't decide whether I felt better or worse when one brother dropped off mother's radar altogether. So completely uninvolved that she actually forgot him. M'm. That didn't feel great either.

Are you taking bets on Show/No Show tomorrow?

Lol, CM - I did the very sweet, guilt-inducing version of "your dying mother wants to see you, a**hole" in our last round of text messages. "She has so little to look forward to, and her whole face lights up whenever anyone has mentioned you coming to visit." Et cetera. I'd be willing to bet money he'll be here, actually. ;-)

It does pain me, though, to have to be so nice to someone when I'm just trying to get them to do the right thing.

Last night I had this dream I was a high school student, on some kind of forced "volunteer" program (that probably doesn't exist) in the law courts. There were half a dozen of us young women who were there to observe and be "assistants" for a lawyer and his client, at some kind of hearing (not a trial). I discovered the client was to be Bill Cosby, when I saw him outside the law courts, posing for press pictures like a d***ed hero.

So, in this dream, I walked right into the courtroom, looked at all the young women, and said, loudly, "Y'all know you're here to run errands for a motherf***ing rapist, right?" And I turned on my heel and walked out, past all the horrified lawyers and courtroom staff.

That's how I would like to roll in my real life. But when I follow my angry little heart, I usually get in trouble.

I'm the opposite Dorianne. I'm usually the victim in my dreams/nightmares.

Your brother better show up. I'm in Canada too. I'll catch a ferry over to where you are and beat him up..............with my purse.........or something like that. :P