The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I want to wish all of you Mother's, I'm making my self laugh over here saying this last phrase, ha, ha! O.K., let's rephrase this, "Happy Mother's Day."
Anyway I wish this to all of you, and even some of you that have no children.
I feel that through caregiving, in what manner better than this, can one not demonstrate their nurturing side. Happy Mother's Day to you too! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux~Happy Mother's Day. One does not have to be a mother, but a loving person who is caring for a mother definitely makes the mark. As you know first hand, you may have given birth but with a narcissistic personality, Mother's Day is every day for these people. Thank God my mother has unfortunately progressed beyond it being all about her. At lunch today, there were little notes on the dining tables stating that breakfast tomorrow and dinner today were being served in 2 different rooms because of the Mother's Day brunch tomorrow. This was on the AL side. Mom read the notes several times during lunch as though each time was the first. She.of course, had no idea tomorrow is Mother's Day. In the recent past, she would have been angry I was spending time with her the day before, but I did not know they were have a brunch until 8 days ago and I need at least 2 weeks to request the day off. Now I pick up a monthly calendar in advance so I know. Anyway back to you...your brother has every reason to have these feelings and his wife is only concerned about herself.Men tend to keep their feelings to themselves which can cause a myriad of effects physically and mentally. He needs your support and I am glad you are giving it, whether his wife will "get it" is doubtful. Just open the door to your brother.
It is still too soon to have any info regarding my brother's step son's services. He (my brother notified us by email of "C"'s passing, I already knew because my great nephew had posted it on f/b, he is only 14 so it is understandable he would post it).I have contacted my brother via email since but have not heard anything. With tomorrow being Mother's Day, his wife is going to have a doubly hard day, (I can only imagine what she must be feeling). I/we decided not to call them, to give them some time with all their immediate family. Believe me, we would love to rush in with open arms to all of them, but they need time together now.
I am off today, very busy day!! Went to the community, had lunch with mom and took her to her apartment. I gave her a card and a mini rose which I will get a larger pot so we can put it out on her balcony. She does ask how long she will be there, but not as often. She asks about her sister, who is in a NH in PA on a feeding tube for 10 years. I steer her away from this because she when I have told her the truth, she is shocked. I spent all afternoon with her, doing laundry and visiting. I realized today, that mom moves things around constanting, which I thought she was doing because she was hiding things. It dawned on me today that mom is (partly hiding things) organizing because she is a organiziner. All this time over the years when we got together, mom would not socialize with us by sitting an visiting with us, she was always busy doing other things (her inability to be comfortable in her own skin), she was organizing because she was taught to be busy doing something constructive!!! Wow...what a realization on my part, I never put it together until today...she is working, not avoiding us like I thought. I spent 5 hours with her and all she did (Just like when she was at home) was busy herself with other things rather than sit down and talk with me. I asked her, Mom what are you doing (a simple question I never asked before), she said, I am just trying to organize things.....BINGO!!! I got it!!!We stripped her bed, including the mattress cover and washed everything. How I wish I had realized this before...she had a sense of purpose in all this endless organizing and we saw it as her avoiding contact with us. I am so glad that she still has this sense of purpose, now that I understand it, I say...have at it mom, and good for you!!!

Happy Mother's Day to all you special ladies caring for someone whether it be your children or an elder...enjoy your time together!

Marge since they will be at your home I believe you probably tell her you do not want to hear any complaints from her or if she wishes she can wait outside-what can she do not come over any more-that would solve many problems.

Sharynmarie,

Realizing that your mom is keeping busy and organizing is a positive thing.
Blessings that she can still do this! As it has been said that one may not be able to change certain elements about another person, but we sure can do our best to change they way we react to things, or not react at all (will write about this later).

This is quite a big break through for you too. Even if we didn't get, all the warm and fuzzy from our mothers, maybe looking at the dynamics about who some of these people are as individuals. If one has this attitude then maybe we can appreciae and be grateful for the elder person we are now dealing with. This is emotional maturity. Well, I'm very happy for you to hear about this realization.

Yes, I think it is so important to allow people to have their own moments for grieving. It must be so very difficult for your brother's family at this time.

I know that about the grieving point, I'm sure my brother is experiencing this with respect to the loss of his job. That SIL, all she's ever done is tow her energies in the complete opposite direction. She's doing this again, when she texts my sister saying these negative remarks. I am so not into this, "Get over it," mentality. I notice that so many people suffer from this today.

My mom didn't know it was Mother's Day either.
My two brothers came with candy and flowers. After they'd wished her a Happy Mother's Day, and been there awhile, mom asked them why they were there.
It was a funny and cute mother moment. We laughed!

Hope you had a great Mother's Day, Sharynmarie!
I will keep you and yours in my thoughts! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Yesterday, I left my home and was running a bit late to mother's.
I needed to be there about 10:30 a.m., since my sister was going to brunch with her daughters.

My plan was to drive through the flower district in our city, to buy a few bouquets.
When I arrived in the flower district, it was quite crowded already. Parking there is all about meters, or lots. I drove around the block with no luck. Then I saw this huge truck that was leaving a space open, so I pulled up right behind it. As the truck left, I pulled my car up. I now saw a car in front of me, and this angry lady was signaling me to leave, because this was her space. Oh boy! Here I was on about 3 hrs. sleep, the night before. Well, I was still seated in the driver's seat, when this woman got out of her car and came up to my window, and started to yell at me, "You have to leave, I've been waiting for this space for half an hour." My window was almost rolled up, but I completely closed it, and locked my doors. She did scare me, being so aggressive. So I just sat there, and I did tell her that I didn't see her. She wouldn't back down. It was making me very mad, and I was tempted to tell her off. But then, something came over me. I just let her keep on ranting. Then I said, "If you're standing right there, how do you expect me to move my car." She then reluctantly backed off, returned to her car. I had to wait to make my move out of the space now, because there was a lot of traffic. So she had to wait some more, and it was too much to witness how aggressive she continued to be. I had to bite my tongue too, from saying, "Happy Mother's Day." Anyway, I now thought, possibly that I would rather be on time to allow my sister to be at brunch by 11:00, so I decided to skip the flowers.
Besides, I'll just drop in sometime next week and do the flowers on my next visit.
Well now my nerves were completely jangled for the morning.

When I arrived at my mom's my sister was in the kitchen, fussing making rice.
I thought to myself, "Maybe she had a change of plans." But no, she was just leaving some food prepared for my brothers and me, and I'm sure for any grandkids that may come by. I thought, that this was nice of her to do, but really shouldn't be doing this on M's Day. But oh well, that's my sister!

Mom was up, and had already eaten breakfast. She looked very well. She was in a good mood, watching some tv. So after my sister left, my brothers showed up together. I was so happy my youngest brother, who just lost his job a week ago, did not bring his horrible wife. As some of you know, she's being very selfish and un-supportive of the fact that he is now in this situation. I just didn't want to have to be around her, because I know I would have been walking on egg shells, as one always has to around her.

My brother with the job situation was his usual quiet self. I wanted to ask him about how he felt about his first week of unemployment, and about any job prospects. I did not though, because I figure that my sister has been asking him this, and who knows who else. Maybe he just needs some time not being asked.
I thought I'd give him his space. Besides, on the other hand my other brother, golden boy wouldn't stop talking. When he talks, it all is about himself. He was so draining. The things he talks about also, shows his ignorance. We had the tv on. Of course one of the news channels was discussing this trial about Jodi Arias. I could tell by the things that golden boy said about this, he doesn't know much about the facts, and what happened in this case. But he was so opinionated about it. I think this woman has been using the media as a circus with her trial, and I know she's not the first to do something as such. Anyway, my brother asked and seemed uninformed but knew she was claiming abuse by the boyfriend as a defense. So I told him, that according to other facts, the manner in which she killed the boyfriend, was way over the top to say the least. Anyway, I just could not bear to have to hear my brother end it saying something like, "She's not a bad looking woman," blah di blah!! So in other words, I was reading, that he thinks, if you're a good looking woman, you somehow don't possess the ability to commit a crime. My thinking is, I couldn't care how "good looking," anybody could be. The fact that they'd do something so horrible, diminishes any kind of "good looks." Anyway, I so don't like this kind of thinking, it is so shallow. This is golden boy!
They did not stay too long. BTW, not one of those grandchildren showed up either, to wish my mom a Happy Mother's Day, no phone call, etc.

It would have been nice, had my youngest brother been there by himself.
Maybe I could have had the possibility to talk to him, and offer some kind of encouragement. Another thing golden boy brought up which I thought was very insensitive on his part....he complained about his job. He repeated over and over how his job is run like the military concerning their breaks and other rules.
I thought to myself, "Well, no matter what, you still have a job, where as my other brother does not." It is interesting how this brother has no problem talking about himself constantly.

After they left, mom and me were there alone. It was great. We sat and watched "Peyton Place," the movie. I had never seen this version. We ate some chocolates. Mother ate very well too. The one thing I did notice, is the fact that she cannot sit for too long at the dinner table. She doesn't have anymore pain, from the gallbladder surgery. But it has only been 3 weeks ago.
Even if she's saying the tenderness in that area has disappeared, I don't think it's strong enough to support her back in certain chairs. So at least the day ended on a good note at mom's.
I hope all of you had a good Mother's Day! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Loved hearing your story about the parking space. sorry you were unable to get the flowers but pushing it further would have been fruitless. Sounds like the other lady (?) was having a rough day, too.
It was nice of your sister to try and make some food for the visitors. Hope she had a nice time with her children at brunch.
Sounds like "Golden Boy" is living up to his name! Isn't it irritating to have to sit there and hear all of that me, me, me stuff. To hold your tongue and keep your eyes from rolling out of socket must be hard.
Glad you and Mom enjoyed Peyton Place. It was a rather risqué movie in the 60's as I recall. The entire town was upset about their lives being put on the pages.

Hope Monday is better for you.
Bonnie

Bonnie,

Yes, I was sorry about the flowers. However, I could care less what kind of day this, she was no lady either, she was an ogre, was having. She got super aggressive, when she came to my car window, almost stuck her hand in the window, but I pushed the button and raised it, and also hit the lock on the doors.
To yell this kind of stuff from one's own car would be bad enough, but what she did was too much!!! Actually, when she came at me like this, it aggravated me so much, but I was sitting still belted in the car seat, so I also felt somewhat vulnerable. Anyway, I think I handled it the best way I could, and she I know thought she was some kind of winner. In my book, she's a loser with this kind of an attitude.

Golden Boy is very irritating. If you remember he was the brother who ended up in ER, while mom was having her gallbladder surgery. Why? Because he doesn't know how to take care of himself. But to hear him talk, he comes off as such a know it all and full of opinions.

Today, I got down and really cleaned up the apartment. My allergies have been out of control the last few days. We're having some extreme alert days here with indoor dander. Now I'm going to relax, and don't know what to make for dinner, because it's been hot here and I think the menu has to shift to cooler foods now.
Maybe a big salad. I'm feeling like my body is needing this right now, too.

Hope your Monday was very good too!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

That woman was lucky you didn't blow a fuse!
Anyway, it's over now and you managed to stay safe from her rotten and mean-spirited attitude.
Can't remember where you live (if I ever knew) but the West Coast Costco has the best prepackaged Asian chicken Salad "kit". It is wonderful. All you need for a fabulous meal are greens, like lettuce or spinach or whatever. The dressing is delightful, the chicken breast cubes are grilled perfectly and almonds, crispy things and such are all there separately packaged. One "container" has two complete meals (sans green leafy stuff). When I buy it at Costco, I just freeze it. When I'm in a mood for a salad I just get it out and tear up some lettuce/spinach. Great meal with crisp bread. They don't sell it at all Costco's just on the West Coast I think.
I had a super neighbor that thought the sun rose and set around her "golden boy" only child. It was sickening to tell the truth. He really treated her like she "owed it to him" as he was so darn smart. Long story but his parents worked very hard to put him through school and that included his PhD. He was such a jerk his first wife left him for fooling around on her. But oh no, he was just perfect for my friend. Rolled my eyes over and over. I get irked just remembering how he used her financially. But then, she really wanted him to "be responsible for me" and insisted on giving him all the money she had when her husband died. Of course, he bought a house and she moved in but then in a couple of years he had found a new girlfriend and there you go...out the door! So in the end my husband I did most of the real caregiving for her. We even took her husband to the hospital numerous times until he finally died. Saint William, as I called Golden Boy, thought he was smarter and better than anyone else. What a jerk. But then, I really think his mom, my friend put herself in a bad place by giving him her money and insisting on wanting him to act like he had her for his main attention. I don't get it where some folks think their children owe it to them to be the focus of their lives.
And I'm not a mean person at all...but it does strike me as odd that grown up folks think the younger generation has to put up with all this caregiving just because the person "Wants" the kid to do it
Anyway, I'm fussing with more committee business and have spent the afternoon on the computer.
About time for a nice glass of wine!
My Monday was good. Board meeting this morning and now tackling some of the assigned work.
Hope your weather improves~
Oh, Jodi Arias goes on TV again Wednesday. Cold killer in my book. Scary that folks had been saying she was a stalker. At least she didn't get off! Abused???? The jury didn't buy it but if they did, that jury ought to listen to some of the abusive tales from folks on this site! That's abuse at times!!!
Take care. Hope you had a wonderful salad. I'm thinking that sounds good, too.
hugs,
Bonnie

So sorry you went through that with the parking space, Margeaux. People sure get riled when they are inconvenienced when it comes to driving. I had something a little similar a few days ago but won't go into details. Glad your mother's day was great with your mom. Sounds like your sis wanted to be a good hostess even though she wasn't there. Hugs to you!

Marge you are my hero-not blowing a gasket with that angery women about the parking spot and having to listen to that boring brother-I want that extra measure of patience-I was ready to walk out of our cancer pad work the other day when 2 women critizied me about cutting the outside-I did explain how hard it is to cut the sheets with elastic but they kept it up so the next week I did not get the room set up or do any work early and when someone commented on us doing work I explained I was going to stay home that day and was still upset about the comments the week before-I did get support from many of them-so I did handle it ok after all-sometimes I just walk out of the room for a while-I have a temper if I need to have one but do try to keep it under the radar-so I am proud of you handling these two things like a lady and a Christian.

Austin,

Thank you for your idea about my SIL. Oh Austin, she is terrible. The main reason we haven't confronted her is basically because, our brother (husband) to her deals with her, through avoidance. She's a total nag. Believe me, I've on many occasions have wanted to blow a fuse with her. My sister has done this. She did it many years ago one time when she mistakenly went on a camping trip w/them. They ended up in a squabble on account of my sister's then young daughter playing the horse shoe game. SIL's daughter apparently wasn't winning, and SIL threw a hissy fit, and went off on my niece. Then my sister came out of the tent and told her off. They have a competition going to this day regarding their daughters who are now grown up. After that, they didn't speak nor gather together at mom's on holidays for over 10 years. They somewhat made their peace finally. In my opinion though, I don't understand why my sister more recently started to text with her, and maintain some boundaries.

But I'm totally fed up w/she putting my brother down, criticizing. She criticizes in a manner that appears to be a joke. I know what I plan on telling her the next time she tries this, and that is, that I don't want to hear it anymore.
But I will still try to keep my cool when that time comes.

It is terrible as in your situation when people criticize the work you do.
Is this volunteer work of some sort? I would not want to return to that kind of atmosphere either. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

i just want to say...hi...i'm glad people are surviving...i haven't spoken to my father since january...but i am able to pray for him...lots of problem with sibling..but one thing no one can ever accuse me of is looking for money..i don't even know how much my father has...i just hope it's enough for his care..and for my mom..who now lives by herself..so much sadness....so little time...be well my friends..i haven't been on here for a long time..

This thread has been going on for over a year.

It is volunteer work -we make cancer pads for nursing homes and Rosary Hill-a end of life hospital. I am no longer going in at 8 to set things up-I will go in to have coffee with my good friends at 9-but life is good now-I have met and am dating a soulmate-we went to high school together but did not really know each other-we reconnected in Jan and he is such a nice kind man the opistite of my late husband.

Hi Beth 53, yeah this thread has been going for a while, but we are a young thread compared to some other threads here.

How are you doing?

Things started getting to a head tonight with sis and I talking. She complained about who placed mom's clock on the wall in her apartment. I said the maintenance man did. She said , well, its hung too high on the wall!. I said So!! She said, every time I talk with you lately I feel you are criticizing me. I said because every time I talk with you, your concerns are about external issues. She said well, I don't know what to say about that. I said then quit focusing on whether her apartment looks like something out of Better Homes and Gardens...she has Alzheimer's for God's sake, who cares how high the damn clock is hung!!! It's just not how mom would have hung it...I said, how long ago did she hang all the pictures, etc on her walls, if you asked her would she care??? OMG...Hahahahaha, LOL!!! We went after each other with me telling her I feel you take advantage of me since I live local with mom and all the ideas you come with basically require more for me to do. When have I had I a weekend off with my husband??? When have I have a day or two together to sit back,sleep or watch movies??? You do this almost every weekend!!!! Hahaha, LOL!!! Once we got all this out of the way, we were able to talk about real concerns. Mom may be having some incontinent issues according to sis. When I did laundry on Saturday, I stripped moms bed down, there were no stains on her mattress.Sis thinks mom should be living in the memory care unit as soon as we can get her in. I am fighting that because I feel mom is not as advanced as the others in the memory care unit plus I don't want to take what independence she has left away from her. This is tearing me up really bad. Plus there is the the issue of Midget, the dog. Apparently they are not walking her every two hours like we were told would happen. She has peed in the apartment more than once. and the last two times I have gone to mom's apartment, Midget is locked out on the balcony!!! Sis believes mom is doing this, I believe the caregivers are doing it???? Who knows, Midget is only 13lbs., she will not survive our summers of 98 and higher even with water. Yes mom's balcony is on the north side so there is no sun...REALLY...13lb. 10 hours out there??? I am stressing because taking the dog away from mom will cause her progress more...but mom's care is more important, but mom's care involves the dog!! Sis told me she does not think mom has bathed since she has been there. They are suppose to give mom reminders but maybe that is all they do, apparently they don't make sure she does it. I DON"T WANT MOM IN MEMORY CARE...her privacy will be gone...other residents can and will come in her space whenever....her door will be left open...did I tell you I DON"T WANT MOM IN MEMORY CARE...I need help coping with this as it is tearing me apart. I told sis when I go out on FMLA I will stay with mom for 3-4 nights to find out what is really going on, is she inontinent, is mom putting Midget out to protect her???

Sharyn: My heart goes out to you. Just wanted you to know. Cat.

Hi Marylee58. If you did your best to get close to your father and he has no desire (or prefers your sibling), then so be it. You tried. Now, it’s time to move on. Remember, if he ever needs your help in the future, you can remind to go to his favorite child (does he have one?) Or that due to childhood trauma, you cannot in good conscience care for him personally. But you are willing to find an Assisted Living residence for him. I, too, hope there is enough money for them.

Sharyn, I’m glad that you finally spoke up. Your sis kept pushing and pushing. She finally pushed you too far. I’m waiting for that stage when oldest sis pushes me too far. Then I’ll speak my mind. You do know that your mom is progressively getting worse. If you look at the ratio of the employees vs. the clients, I don’t think your mom will get the hands-on assistance that you want. If you want that kind of place, you may need to look for a much smaller community. You know how regular supermarkets don’t really have that personal touch. But, if you go to the small mom & pops store, they’re much friendlier and talkative. The same with AL. The bigger the place, the less personal touch/help. I think that’s why you read over and over from the different posters here on AC who said that when their parent went into AL or NH, it was just as much work as if they were at home. I’ve read of some people paying for someone to go visit daily their parent to do whatever extra service that AL does not provide. I guess you will really know when you’re on FMLA.

As for Midget, is she small enough to use permanently a dog’s litter box? You can train her. And maybe swing by on the way home and empty the mess at the same time ensure that your mom atleast have one very good meal a day.

Cattails~Thank you!!

Book~My mom is living on assisted living side, I don't know if they would assist her in bathing on that side but we will find out when we have the 30day review. It may cost more and sis probably won't want to pay more and if it turns out mom is starting have incontinent issues, she would not be able to stay on the AL side. Right now they have no room in the memory care unit for mom to live there. I feel mom is not as advanced as some of the residents in memory care and am concerned that if she is living there, she will advance faster. We don't have care homes that are set up for dementia care. Yes, placing a parent does not take your responsibilities away unless you just don't visit them. I don't think they are neglecting my mom, they are going by what is in her care plan for the first 30 days and that is to give mom reminders to bathe. Sis thinks mom is washing herself out of the bathroom sink (sponge bathing). My sister wants mom living in the memory care unit ASAP because it is cheaper so I don't know if sis is rushing things. We will have to tell them that mom needs assistance bathing and we will have to make sure mom takes a shower when we visit until the review.

Please understand I am not trying to make my sister out to look bad. We see things differently. We argued last night because sis insists mom is wetting the bed. I told her no she isn't, I stripped the bed down on Saturday and the mattress is not stained or wet. She said because mom has a rubber pad on the bed. Again, I said no she doesn't, there was no pad on the bed Saturday. Sis said it was there the day we moved her. The issue with the clock was just too ridiculous for me to handle. Then she said she is going to bring over a couple pantsuits for mom to wear when we eat in the dining hall on AL side because everyone else is dressed up. I don't see that as being important and I am not going to change mom into a pantsuit to eat, sis can if she wants to. We agreed to disagree because we see things differently. I am going to PetSmart to see if they have something for the dog such as a grass patch. It is sprinkling now and I don't want that dog stuck out on the balcony in the rain all day, she is a little dog, just 13lbs. about the size of a cat. Mom is getting 3 meals a day, she has put on a couple lbs. already. Book, I work a swing shift, don't get off until 9-9:30 at night.

Ok, I bought a potty patch. Poodles are very smart but living with my mom with Alzheimer's will make it hard to train Midget because of lack of consistency. When I picked up Midget, they told me they are walking her (I didn't ask) and they left the sliding glass door open today so Midget can go in and out. I was glad she was not left out in the rain. The problem is that poodles are very high strung, lots of energy, and she is not used to being left alone all day so I think anxiety is part of what is going on. When we have the review, I want to arrange so my mom can come back to her apartment around 1pm and stay there until 3pm. then go back to memory care until 6pm.

Sharynmarie,

I was wondering, if your mom suffers from incontinence, will this be some kind of pre-requisite to get her into the Memory Care Unit, faster? If so, and I only say this because you've said that your sister sounds eager to accomplish this. Maybe it's her way of manipulating this, and it does sound strange since you're the one changing the bed sheets, washing clothes and no evidence. Just an idea.

Poodles are high strung. The doggie I'm sure is going through her own adjustment to an unfamiliar environment. I hope you can figure out this incontinence issue.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Austin,

How great that you do some volunteer work. But I definitely understand that you want to be there w/o the critiques. It's good to hear you have good friends there,
and this wonderful man. Enjoy!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I was at mom's on Mother's Day relieving my sister who lives w/her. After my sister returned, we talked about our brother's. I've written about our youngest brother who just lost a job, and has a difficult wife who doesn't seem to be emotionally supportive of him in his recent unemployment.

The SIL, had texted my sister end of last week with a text that said, "Your brother is driving me nuts." So my sister brought this topic up again to me. To be quite honest, I don't understand why my sister got rather caught up texting w/SIL.
They don't have an amiable relationship to begin with. So my sister kept talking about the negative text; her reply, etc. My sister is claiming that she desires to create a lot of distance between she and the SIL. She also said, that she wishes that the SIL would refrain from texting. To this, I said, "Well maybe what you ought to do, is completely stop. Don't even reply to her texts. But w/my sister, she likes to play a passive aggressive role in this. She gets angered annoyed at the texts, and instead of taking a stand of just not texting, she plays this cat and mouse game w/the SIL. I'm going to say it, "I think my sister is stupid."
My sister has even said because of the so called distance she says she has created between she and the SIL, that SIL is definitely feeling her wrath. Is this controlling language by my sister, or what? I had a good private laugh about that one. Margeaux

Margeaux~I am sure my sis is looking for signs but there are no openings in memory care for living however mom will get first choice when one becomes available because she lives at the community. My sis looked for signs when mom was still home that indicated mom could not take care of herself under the guidelines of the ADL's (activities of daily living) she was rushing it by wanting to say that mom was incontinent because she used poise pads. We talked about it and I discovered that sis uses them from time to time too, so does that mean you are incontinent too? She backed down then. I am not saying my sis is a bad person who is only concerned about the money and not mom, but she is frugal like mom (that can be a good thing). I just don't want mom living in the memory care unit until it is really necessary because they do leave the doors open to their apartments and residents will wander in and out because they have dementia, those filters of privacy are gone. As long as mom has her private space, she can go back to her apartment and organize and reorganize, it keeps her mind working but sis sees it different and it really bothers her that mom won't sit down and visit with her. It's because sis wants the warm ,fuzzy that mom could never give and she can't get her mind around the fact that mom is never going to be warm and fuzzy. She wants to be mothered, she wants one on one attention this is why she won't use the computer to instant message family on facebook. I understand her thinking but at the same time you have to adapt to the world you live in and sis misses out on opportunities to connect with her grandchildren on facebook. They weren't taught to call her on the phone so you have to get time when and where you can...that is how I see it...not saying I am right and sis is wrong. Yes poodles are high energy dogs...I believe they were bred for hunting. They are very intelligent, can easily be trained with consistency. I told them at the community this morning, that she is not going to go potty on the balcony as long as her food and bedding is there. I know their main concern is my mom's care not the dog so I can't fault them. The first 30 days really determines how your loved one is thriving and to work out the kinks in mom's care plan. Mom has already gained some weight, she is referring to her apartment as home. Now if we can get the dog to transition all will be good as long as I can stall sis on moving mom into memory care before she is ready. Hugs to you and thank you for responding.

We posted at the same time. I am glad you had a good laugh at your sister. It does sound like your sister likes getting texted by the sil but she knows the sil is wrong in texting her so she is playing with her.

Margeaux - from experience - best to let your brother & SIL live their own lives. I know that telling your sis is futile. If you were married, you would resent your husband's sisters from meddling with your marriage. I think the best thing to do is just be supportive with bro. Maybe one day, he will surprise you all and finally put his foot down in his household. Yes, that might never happen. My 2 younger sisters had a disharmony relationship with oldest bro's wife. I have always been the neutral one in the family. Sis didn't show their dislike, etc... Finally, they had a blow out when SIL told us that we should lock our mom in the bedroom. Bro came out of the bedroom and ordered us out of his house. He didn't give a damn that his wife just told us to lock our mom in the bedroom. We left. Since then, we knew our boundaries. We knew where our brother's loyalty belongs. We knew that he didn't care about parents. Your brother is an adult. Best to back off...yeah, I can see your sister doing That! (sarcasm)

Sharyn, your mom's gaining, no wet bed, the evidence shows you are right. Only problem to solve is Midget.

Yes, we certainly have a dysfunctional family. Sister won't speak to me. Accuses me of stuff that is untrue.

Brandy~so sorry you going thru this as keeping communication open is so important. My sis and I disagree a lot about mom's care. Sometimes we yell at each other on the phone like we did last night, LOL!! When accusations come in it is hard. Maybe you can approach your sister with the fact that you both see things differently and it doesn't mean you are right and your sister is wrong or visa versa. Hugs!!

Book~Thank you for the idea of the potty patch, I hope it works. I am also going to get a couple Kong toys that you put treats in freeze it and the dog has to lick and lick to get the treats. It will keep her busy and reduce her anxiety.