notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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I'm trying to imagine how he'd react to being beaten with a strange woman's purse, though.....lol!
So you can put that big leather tote bag you were getting out of winter storage back for now, Gershun. Lol!
Save that Wollop for Frick and frack
I will say my brother has done well this week. He's gotten them up, dressed, breakfast, ready for school and daycare, snacks packed, etc. He took them shopping last week and got them dresses, shoes, etc. suitable for Easter in snowy Maine and took them to church and Sunday school. He's made sure the 5-year old has gotten her kindergarten stuff ready every evening. He got her enrolled in ballet class. So he's doing a good job considering his total lack of experience.
Gershun - Good luck picking my brother put of a crowd - he's a fit but kind of nondescript 54-year old balding guy with glasses. (I got all the hair in the family.) Usually wearing a serious expression. When we were younger, one of my friends thought he was cute, but I don't see it, lol. Don't let him know I said that!
Becky - That is amazing! Kudos to your family, I couldn't manage that! Smart to take the devices away at night.....honestly, I think I need someone to do that to me, lol!
Well....bro said he'd arrive around 6-ish, when mom is home from dialysis. I made a new pan of brownies last night - just one this time!....plus I already ate one out of it!! (That's what you get for disappointing me.) And I just put a meatloaf in the oven. Fingers crossed I won't have to eat everything myself this time....
Dorianne, your brother sounds like most of the 54- year- olds in Vancouver. Does he jog by any chance? Eat sushi? Walk around with a tight grip on his Starbuck's trying to avoid getting hit by the sea of umbrellas?
All joking aside, he better show up and when he does, force feed him those brownies.
I am on a statin for my blood pressure. As is my elderly mother.
She had a complete physical a few days ago. My mother's GP told her to cut back on her calories. Then my mother proceeded to tell me this info. But not in a 'passing along info' fashion. My mother has done this before. She read that statins can cause aches in the arms' n' legs'.
So, When I told her about feeling like my arm was going to collapse while on my bike. She immediately judged that to be the same kind of ache she was having, and felt justified in calling my GP.
I happen to hear her calling from the kitchen, while I was in the bathroom. I was absolutely livid upon hearing her say this to my GP's nurse. I immediately did my 'morning routine'(shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth), and ran out of the house. I got on my bike wearing my bike camera and sped through PM-Rush traffic.
Upon reaching my GP's office. I surprised the nurse when I told her I heard the whole phone conversation from the bathroom. Despite the door being closed. I told the GP, that while my arm has ached at times, while on my bike. That is the only time.
I even showed the GP the video I had taken w/ my bike camera. On the way to his office. I proved to him that my elderly mother was really being irresponsible.
Hi Chris!
Well. It was all going good till home support came. Then we all started talking about Trump.
Without getting "political" here about it, I'll say.....nobody here is a fan, but my brother misunderstood my comments somehow as being supportive or admiring. (I was TRYING to say, "don't discount his ability to influence voters," because that's what everybody did during the last US election.) So there was that, and I still need to fix that, because I don't want anyone to have that impression of me!
Then bro decided if mom was getting into her pajamas, he was going to head over to the hotel and get some sleep himself. (Even though mom would've stayed up in her jammies till the wee hours, just because he was here.)
THEN, even though she was totally ready for sleep, mom wouldn't let the home support worker help her get changed or washed....instead she turned the "mean" on the worker! She refused all help and went to bed in her clothes. I think she was mad at the worker for (in her mind) sending bro away with her presence.
None of this was the worker's fault. She actually stuck around for a half hour after mom was in bed, just to chat and keep my spirits up.
So.
I mean....
Ugh.
My family. Is so annoying.
Bro did eat a brownie though.
Sorry it did not go better Dorianne but at least he showed up..............and ate a brownie. Small victory!!!! :)
Tomorrow is another day.
I'm gonna go finish the leftover frosting in the fridge.....
Chris - sushi-shaped candy makes an excellent substitute!
When he showed up, mom was still in bed, having her tea. He wouldn't go into her room! I told him to "Go on in, she's sitting up, there's a chair and everything"....nope. He ran back to his hotel room (the hotel is across the parking lot) because he forgot his water.
Then straight to the movie. So no one has to talk, I guess.
I think he ran back to his room hoping I'd have mom up and arranged appropriately on the sofa by the time he got back. (Which I did, because why fight it?) He can barely look at her. He doesn't even offer to do any of the dumb little things I do - arrange her blanket, help her get her legs up on the sofa, get her a cup of tea....nothing. I don't think I've even seen him touch her yet.
I know lots of people don't know how to relate to the sick, disabled, or elderly. I know they say lots of men are not oriented towards caregiving. But I think I'm realizing that he's also kind of....weak. Just weak. That's why he doesn't come. That's why he doesn't call. He can't handle it. If he has an emotional IQ at all, I don't think I could find it. It's not that he doesn't love her, in his way. But he's sure got no natural compassion, no intuition, no.....I wanna say no empathy? That's what it is when you can't read another person's obvious needs, right?
I take back what I said. I don't care what he thinks about my opinion of the American president.
I always knew my best guy friend was a better brother to me, but now I know he's also a better son to my mom.
Lol @ you not caring about what your brother thinks you think about Trump.
And I don’t have any clue why, must be a nature thing, but men in general do seem to be weaker than females. At least in my family that’s a rule and it is evident outside of the caregiving world, just in life in general.
But it’s also true that some people don’t have the inner strength to see and let alone take care of anyone, nothing to do with how much they love the person. My mom for example, tells me that when my grandma (who I didn’t get to meet) was ill before she passed away, my mom could not handle seeing her like that, and she loved/loves my grandmother tremendously! but couldn’t take seeing her that way. She would make sure she had everything she needed, nurses, doctors, etc, but she could not be her caregiver.
I told my mom: Don’t worry about me mom, I’m different, I can take care of you, I’m strong.
My mom and I, we both love, but our way of loving is different and our capabilities are also different. We live love differently yet I know that doesn’t make either one of us better or worse than the other.
I’m very glad I’m not weak in that sense because I’m all my mom has, I better be able to be all she needs me to be for her!
He did finally come to visit. He brought mom a little stereo CD player for her bedroom like I asked him to, and made her some CDs like Frank Sinatra, Paul Simon, and Van Morrison. And connected my new smartphone (which I'm still dumb about) through bluetooth, so I can broadcast music or audio books from my phone to her stereo, which is pretty cool!
He also backed me up when she got rebellious a couple of times today (after being mean to the worker last night, she's been mean to me a few times today). And when he was leaving tonight (he's heading out early in the morning), he told her, "Do what Dori says, Mom."
So. Trying to remember to be grateful for the good things, instead of resentful about the not-so-good things!
Dori, bro did come, though reluctantly. He did see mom, maybe reluctantly. At least he was there, visited mom as you asked, brought he the player, and told mom to do what you said. Some are able to be caregivers, others are not. At least he KNOWS the he would not be able to handle the day to day as you do.
Dori, recognize that he is doing something, what he is able to do, what he s willing to do and probably not at all comfortably. Just try to understand how difficult for him it must be. He may feel guilty about not doing more and that is something he is going to have to wrestle with, he doesn't need reminders. He knows he could not do what you do and, if I recall, told you as much. You are doing a difficult job, beyond impossible for so many, and be proud of yourself that you are one of very few people that can.
Different kids of the same parents have very different relationships with those parents. My brother (second child, chronically ill, lots of learning difficulties as a child) was a total attention sucker when my youngest brother and I (Both straight A students) were kids. Out job was to be perfect.
Not surprisingly, #2 ended up as parent's confidante and POA. And did all the heavy lifting in terms of arranging mom's care and visiting.
He declared at the wake that we'd had a perfect childhood. Youngest brother and I rolled our eyes.
My point is that your brother may have not overcome the more interesting parts of your shred childhood experiences with mom was well as you have, Dori.
And by the way, YOU are an extraordinary human being!
My husband is a loving man and he is there for people when needed but he is not inclined to hover or fuss, by the same token he would not feel comfortable if someone did that to him. He has clear boundaries and a fairly low tolerance level for high maintenance people. He carries no guilt about this and he is far from weak.
When he and I met, I was just beginning to learn how miserable I was because of my overactive sense of duty and responsibility to serve the needs (usually more like wants) of others. That was 28 years ago. In that time I have learned a lot from my husband and he says he has learned from me.
I've learned that my goodness and worth is not measured by how much I do for others. My husband says I taught him it's ok that some people need a little more than we do.
I think men and woman can learn a lot from each other.
It's probably noteworthy that I've played the caregiver role to all 3 of them (though barely at all with stepmom, since she didn't really NEED much caregiving, plus she had 5 children of her own to share the load), while he's remained out of the picture. Maybe that's where some of my own resentment comes in. I was kind of waiting for him to take charge of mom's care needs as I had dad's (especially since they lived in the same town!)....I figured it was his turn, but he never did it. I'm not convinced that's entirely his fault, now that I know how stubborn mom is about resisting help! I'm not convinced he's a take charge person, either, which I kind of....am. Or have become. (Partly my stepmother's influence and partly from my non-profit days, when I came to understand that leadership is what happens when you get sick of waiting for other people to get sh** done!)
Wow, this is a longer and much more navel-gazey reply than I expected it to be!
Thank you for saying I'm extraordinary, but I don't think I am!
glad - for sure, I agree with you. I think that's the reasoning I was trying to come to with my last post last night. I'd write more, but lordie, this is long and self-involved enough already! Lol.
EDIT....Trying - sorry, I missed your comment, it must have posted while I was writing this one! I appreciate that perspective!