The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Trying - just to add, thinking of your perspective there. I want to think that's part of it. In our situation, during the last 10 years she was still in Vancouver, mom very much gave me the impression that my brother had become extremely self-absorbed and selfish, and only called her when he wanted to borrow the car! Now that mom is here and I'm staying with her, I don't know how much of that is true or just stuff my mom wanted me to believe, or how much of it is mom just expecting others to intuit what she wants/needs (or perhaps stubbornly refusing help so that he gave up sooner than I would've). I've really been calling her lifelong mental health into question lately, in a way I hadn't before. 

I hear you Dori. My Mom pulls the same stuff. She has a Good/Bad meter for other people. Interestingly enough, her standards are governed by how much she can manipulate that person for her own gain. Not surprising...she can't stand my husband.

My sis complained frequently about our brother not helping with our mom. He did what he could in spite of losing his step son to colon cancer, supporting his wife during this time and 6 months later her daughter is diagnosed with advanced rectal cancer. Not to mention his own illness. My sis sees life through rose colored glasses, Pollyanna. It was very frustrating.

We got a heavy frost this morning. At least it is clear blue sky. I hope everyone has a good day

SharynMarie,
There have been a lot of trials for you and your family.
I am sorry your brother is ill, but want to check in with you
that my thoughts are with you and continued prayers.

Hope you have a day filled with encouragement, some good news to come, and all your needs met for today. Hug that family of yours!

Thank you Dori and everyone! Dysfunctional families make it harder as you all know. I love this thread to help keep me sane and out of the mentally.

Sorry Send, thank you! I called my bro a bit ago. He and sil were in Barstow on their way back from Locklin. A little gambling and time away from home. He said he has to be tested again to qualify for the transplant list. Right now he can get out with portable oxygen but it only goes to a level 5. The tanks go higher but are a hassle to use. He can’t take brisk walks anymore but is hoping to go camping in a few weeks. He will need like 21 tanks being in the higher elevation as they only last 2 hours or maybe 4. It sucks for him but I am glad he is able to get out and enjoy himself right now.

I worked in the back yard making a mound/berm at the fence line. Not close to being done but I am done for the day, lol! I hope I don’t hurt too much tomorrow!

I’m working most morning shifts 6-2 weekends, 7-2 weekdays at least 3 days a week and I love it! I also work 10-3 or 3-8. This week it’s all morning shifts. I do poop out early and am ready for bed by 9 but I force myself to stay up till 10.

Wow, Sharyn - 21 tanks? I don't know a lot about the equipment. How big are they? Are they heavy tanks?

So mom has become a little bit defiant and weird again....I've heard the phrase "non-compliant" and that's totally the right description of her right now! Or maybe "oppositional defiance disordered," lol. It started on the night bro was here. Maybe it has something to do with her routine being unsettled, or maybe just being agitated about him being here/not visiting too much?  (Edit: he went home Sunday morning.) I dunno. I thought she'd moved past this dementia phase. I guess it's cyclical.

Dori, I’m not sure how big the tanks are, but if he does much walking/ hiking he will need them. He said they will deliver them anywhere.

It might be related to intervals between dialysis, Dorianne - in layman's terms, dependent on how many shades of crap she's feeling like, maybe. Plus, yes, I expect bro stirred up a fair few emotions - good and bad, probably, but it's the stirring that's the trouble.

Does this never end? Just had Daughter 1 on the phone. She is mainly happy and excited, new job going well, successful interview yesterday for next rotation, comfortable new apartment, supportive relationship, all nice to hear. Then she mentions in passing that her Dad is not coming to her graduation in the summer. "Sorry but we're a bit tied up. Really proud of you," he texted her.

Turns out that he is tied up because the following week he has to sit in a car while his wife, who works full-time (he's retired) and will have done all the laundry and packing, drives him 250 miles to the beach hotel they're going to on vacation; and apparently he needs to take a bit of a run-up for this project. Really takes it out of you, sitting on your arse while everyone else does the work.

This is, to be fair, DD1's third graduation. But that is also kind of the point. She has knocked down one target after another in her quest to win praise and acknowledgement from her father. Followed in his footsteps, overachieving at every milestone. Always tried to include him and show gratitude for his (almost exclusively financial) support. And he is forever Just Not Interested. I wish she could stop caring.

CM, as I've said before, my opening line at my father's funeral was "You can't make somebody love you the way you want them to. You either accept that they love you the best you can, or you move on." Your ex is a narcissist; you and daughter know that. At some point, she will *move on* (I did and followed his example of minimal involvement and found other relationships that were satisfying) and like my father, he will have no idea why....

Sharynmarie,

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. I will include you and your brother in a meditation. It is truly amazing that your brother continues his activities, and good for him. My heart goes out to you Sharynmarie.

Much Love & Light,
Margeaux

Thank you Margaux. I hope all is well with you and your family.

Finished my last volunteer day with AARP for this year. I work as a volunteer tax preparer at the senior center. I work one day a week from the first week of February thru mid April. It's a good service and if you need help, call your local senior center to see if the service is available in your area. The service is free and preparer's are trained in the fall for any new tax code changes.

Becky - I'll be doing some volunteer work for our local agency on aging later this summer. I volunteered to do a course that teaches seniors how to use their computers, smartphones, iPads, tablets, email and Facebook. Their kids get them these gadgets, thinking it's just common sense to know how to use them - but it's not for seniors who've never used one.

Susan, Good luck. I don't envy you that task. My brother bought my mom a Kindle before she passed. It was great for her to use to read books, but she had to have constant help with it.

You ladies are so nice to volunteer your time! :-)

CM - 3rd graduation or not, that's just really sh***y of your ex. 

It is, isn't it? It's not me being hypercritical or her being oversensitive, is it?

Honestly, for two pins I'd call him up and ask:

Is it because..?

her achievement is not important to you
you believe your participation is not important to her
her passing this three-stage examination with its 87% failure rate at the first attempt is not remarkable
you cannot be expected to travel 70 miles unassisted at three months' notice

I could offer to pay for a cab. He might suspect me of being sarcastic. He might be dead right.

Concrete-afficionado BF sensibly advised DD not to let it spoil things. Glad's point about not being able to make somebody love you the way you want them to very much applies. But all the same, if telling him "you really are complete crap as a father, you know" would accomplish anything useful I'd be the first to volunteer.

I don't know what Stepmother thinks, if she's even been consulted. But given that she's had to put up with the man for over twenty years I wouldn't dream of giving her more issues to deal with.

DD2, at the other extreme, has avoided potential disappointment by avoiding formal graduation. It is a condition at her place of study, Ex's alma mater, that students settle their accommodation bills first; which she could not be arsed to organise then and still hasn't ten years later. It would amuse me mightily to think of Ex wondering why he was never invited to the ceremony, and continuing to wonder until he gets billed for the compound interest.

I might send him an email saying that it's a shame he's going to miss this important milestone and that she seems quite disappointed that he won't be attending. And leave it there.

That's the right tone, Barb. I'll have to wait 'til the steam stops coming out of my ears, though! Grrrrr!

Whew. I'm going to be a little late for work today, I think. My mom texted me that she took my father to a new attorney and tried to get POA. She didn't get it because as I've told her and others for many years now, my father is scared of giving POA to anyone. I advised her that trying to get POA without talking to her kids, his kids, was probably not something that would go over well, anyway.

My mother. My poor, silly, drama-creating mother.

She asked me where the trust documents are and I told her they are compiled and stored at older bro's house... and if she wanted to review them, to PLEASE return them, and not to take off with them.

She started crying at the end of our conversation, she says she is "stressed." I asked her why she wanted to take on the task of caring for my father when she had her own life to look after, and also, he is doing fine and as far as I can tell, while he is simple minded in some ways he is very far from a diagnosis of incompetency.

Welp.

It's really no big deal. My mom just has a way of creating new disorder where everything is going fine. She's human, and flawed, and has a good heart... so I try to overlook how silly she is.

I did have a moment of self indulgence where I reminded her that... upon arrival at my grandmother's house in 2011, I was thrown into the middle of a situation I was unprepared for, an ongoing APS investigation into physical abuse by my father. I had NO IDEA at that time what that meant. I did the best I could to keep my family together when claims of abuse were made, eviction papers filed against my father. I paid a lot of money to get guardianship of my grandmother but she died before I could go to court.

And my family - mom and bros - were VICIOUS about telling me that it was my duty to keep them informed of everything, as if I was trying to take over something. I wasn't trying to take over, I was just unprepared for all that was going on and was darn determined to protect my grandmother and my father. My family really treated me badly during that time. I had no one to turn to, and everyone said it was "my fault" that things were going badly, that I was to blame.

Those days are long past... but when my mother tells me after the fact that she took my father to get POA and didn't even bother to mention ahead of time to me... I just am reminded anew of the kind of crazy dysfunction that happens in my family. What happened to all this demand that things be discussed first???? My older bro had me take multiple trips to his city, with paperwork in hand, to have "family meetings" to keep him in the loop about things with my dad.

Now... it's like everyone realizes that I did a good job cleaning up the loose ends, my dad lives in a senior HUD building that I had to fight all of them (except my dad, he was willing to give it a try) to "allow" me to get him into... and everything is going so well.

And then I get this text and phone call from my mom.

Can't leave well enough alone.

That's ok. It's not my circus anymore, but it did remind me quite viscerally of WHY IT WAS SO NUTS FOR SO LONG.

My family is nuts. That is all. Thanks for letting me vent, I have to run off to work.

Maybe "nuts" isn't the right word. They have a double standard of what was expected of me, and now things are different. Why did they have to treat me so badly? :-( I think they all understand NOW that I was only trying to help out the best I knew how. My mother said as much. And my older bro who wanted to be POA is the reason WHY my dad won't give POA -- because older bro scared him off and my dad has never recovered.

lol

What a bunch of silliness. Meanwhile, everyone is fine, and the only issue is that my mom is meddling in a way that's going to cause some problems. But. Whatever. They all deserve each other. lol  And of course I still love them and I'm a flawed person, too, I'm not "above it all."  Just... weird how end of life planning for my father is bringing out things in my family dynamic.  

Hrmph.

I think you're being quite charitable, Ali.

What did your mother think she would be doing with the POA if she'd got it? Bless her, I'm sure she means well, but I'll bet she's thinking it means "power over another" as so many mistakenly do.

If it leads to a conversation, can you maybe get her to say what she is worried about, exactly? What does she want POA for?

Ali has moved on from caregiving to taking care of her life, good job Ali!
It shows other caregivers how life works.
Sorry that the circus and the monkeys keep showing up.
Shake it off...

Ali, sometimes I think it’s much more interesting being on the outside than in the midst of.

Crazy dysfunctional families.

Ali - nothing wrong with "nuts" as a descriptive. Not your circus....not your circus peanuts. ;-)

CM - I like Barb's suggestion for a quick note. Do you think it might be worth messaging the stepmom anyway? My stepmom wielded considerable influence over my father....certainly more than my mother did!

Lordy (sorry, that is one of my fave words ever since Comey testified), I feel so much closer to "normal" when I come in this thread....

I've been describing my brother's visit to a couple of friends, and I've been getting very wide-eyed stares in return. Best guy friend thought I wouldn't be cooking for him this week, since I must be exhausted from cooking for my brother all weekend. HA HA HA, no. Bro never ate with us once. Even BFF found that a little strange, and she definitely comes from dysfunction junction. I've been trying to explain my family to my friends for years, but I think they might actually be starting to believe me.

Ali, remember that some people love to be the center of the psychic storm. Your mother being POA for your father would put her back in the storm. She also thinks that YOU will be available to fix anything that mother messes up as you did before. Just smile and leave them to their own mess. At least you are out of house, safely living separately from father, and father is in supervised housing. Good for you!!!

Guest, I think you've hit the truth of the matter. My mom has a lifelong habit of needing drama and distraction in her life. I suspect it's part of a mental or personality disorder. It helps me to understand that she has a NEED to keep things churned up some.

Also, you're right that she thinks I'll help sort things out. That seems to be why she called, asking me some questions, said something like "You, Ali, know more than anyone else does about this."

Neither my mother or older bro knows much about what POA duties would entail. Also it's a moot point because my father won't give POA, and now mom knows that when the time comes, someone (my older bro raised his hand for this job years ago and I will attempt to hold him to it) will need to get guardianship. But we're not there yet. I asked my mom if dad is failing any ADLs right now. She asked me "what's that?" I told her about ADLs and how competency will be determined. She said "He loses his breath when he walks." And I said "That's due to COPD but it doesn't show incompetency."

CM, you're right that my mother and father both don't understand what a POA does. Mom is already taking money monthly out of his account, with his permission. And I asked her what the new attorney thought of that and she said that attorney thought it would be ok as long as she spent the money towards her caregiving expenses. I told mom to get a Caregiving Agreement in place, then. But I doubt she will do that at this point. It will take a bit longer, perhaps something semi-bad will happen (like a request for financial documents by Medicaid or SNAP where the missing money is noticed or mentioned) and then maybe she will get more of the ducks in a row.

The root of the issue is this: neither one of my bros wants any added responsibility with my father right now. The older one is spread too thin with his work and own family and the younger one wants nothing to do with it, saying (rightfully so imho) that our father did nothing for him when he was a child and younger bro doesn't want to do anything for father now. I respect that.

So there is this wide opening for my mom to get completely enmeshed, to do whatever she wants to do. And, in the end, I'm mostly just glad that someone is there for my dad but... that could easily be hired help. But he and my mom won't allow it, saying it's too expensive even though there is plenty of money to hire someone a few days per week, even 1 day per week.

So here is my mom, taking my father to attorney, and telling me how she's going to get "health representative" status for him with the VA. That's fine. She likes the distraction, she likes to feel needed, I think.

Honestly, they could both go on for many years in this pattern and I don't think it's going to be the death of either of them. It mostly strikes me as so silly that my mom takes on these things as she does. But... her life, her choices.

They've been divorced over 40 years at this point. They haven't lived together in any of that time, or even communicated all that much. My paternal grandmother mostly took care of my father, housing him and driving him to places when needed. My dad has an old brain injury and for that reason or others, he's low functioning but not mentally incompetent.

My mother raised her 3 kids by him in her home city, relying on her family's support to be able to house us. My father never paid child support or showed interest in being a father. My mother SHOULD know by now that getting enmeshed with my father isn't what's good for her, that it will be a drag on her own life and resources. My mother is a bit obsessed with money, even very small amounts of it. It's quite weird to me because she has always had a humble lifestyle, and gives tithes every week and does other volunteer work that costs her time off work and her own money, so I don't understand the obsession. But I mention this because I think my mom is very much liking that she gets several hundred dollars a month out of my dad's account and squirrels it away. She's mentioned it to me in person too many times for it to not be a main focus for her. She was also, some of you may recall, obsessed with what I was possibly spending for upkeep of the house when my dad and I were living in one household. She caused a lot of problems by triangulating my bro, saying he wanted to see bank statements when it was really her. One of the first things she did when my dad was moved to her city was to take him into the bank and have the accounts changed where I couldn't even view if his phone was being paid. She's a weird one about money.

Her phone call yesterday set me off for about an hour, I was feeling a little frazzled. But I'm fine and "it is what it is." I do think my mom, dad, and older bro all have this ability to cause a small PTSD-type reaction in me. My mom causing chaos in this way reminds me of how much chaos was in my childhood and I just feel BAD after having this conversation with her. But, moving on. And thanks, Send and Sharyn and others for the supportive words.  Thanks for reading my vent and knowing it really just comes down to "crazy families be crazy." 

Dori, happy you feel at home amongst the DYS thread, haha. We're all perfectly normal here even when we're not. lol

Ali, if your father is getting SNAP or Medicaid, there will be a renewal. There will be a request for bank statements. If there are monthly withdrawals for cash, there will be a request for documentation. The money will surface. Your mother who is NOT organized won't have any documentation. A lawyer doesn't say Probably OK without lots of hereto's and wherefore's. Do you really think that Mom asked a lawyer and got a paid-for opinion elder certified and experienced in Medicaid and state aid or asked free consult and got what was paid for? A free consult is NOT considered advice that you can take a lawyer to court over in most cases if you get nailed by Medicaid for risky behavior. We here on this thread know you and really want you to succeed and be happy away from the drama. STAY AWAY. STAY FAR AWAY!!! Your family's pattern is to screw it up and expect you to fix. Talk to your therapist or us. D O N O T GO THERE.