notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
Follow
Share
Read More Close
34K Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
- I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
Start a Discussion
I know this, that this taking money every month without documentation in place is likely going to cause a problem, and I've tried to stress this to my mother. I don't know why she wouldn't go back to the area's Elder Care expert attorney that I've personally been to see several times, why she picked a new guy. And this "probably it's ok to take the money" doesn't wash with me, either. Either it is ok, or it is not ok.
There was a re-de very recently and supposedly, everything went fine. As you know, there are regular re-de's every year or so. I don't really know what more I can do that I haven't already done. I've already told my mother to go see the Elder Care expert attorney, the one who's written books and is the go-to expert on such things, the one who already has a file about my father's situation. I've already told my mother to get a proper Caregiving Agreement in place.
I've told her this money thing may come down very badly for both her and my dad. :-/
Edit: I texted my mom just now. I told her that I know she's busy right now with taxes and such but that in a month, to please go back to the Elder Care expert attorney (aka our family attorney) and get a Caregiving Agreement. I have a feeling my words go into a vast nowhere. But. I try.
Editing the Edit: My mother called me and we chatted for a minute. I told her that, if she wanted, I will book appointment with family Elder Care attorney around June 9, for when I come down for nephew's graduation, and will go in with her and my father to have a Caregiving Agreement done to protect both of them. :-) My mom, she's so funny/strange. I said something along the lines of "we can have the expert attorney, our family attorney, handle this," and my mom said "yeah, she's the expert, that's why she gets people to give her all this money, why she charges so much money." lol!
First of all, my dad's trust will pay for the legal fees. Second, this attorney billed me a whopping $116 for my last appointment with her. Third, did I mention my mother is obsessed with money??? I just said "Well, you get what you pay for here."
With a little luck, I'll get them into the Elder Care attorney in 2 months and get a Caregiving Agreement in place. I don't mind participating in that, helping out with that, for one day if it means I have peace of mind that my mom and dad aren't going to be charged with Medicaid fraud!!
I do want to talk to the attorney about how best to proceed. There's no reason to not use the Trust money for his current care, and instead be receiving state benefits that he doesn't need at this time. He can reapply in future if need be and I don't want to risk future qualifying because he or my mom are being a little greedy here. I don't think they mean to be abusing benefits, and technically, they aren't, but also he doesn't need them at this time.
I'll talk to attorney, go from there. I am thinking I can get a plan in place that will work for the next 5 years or so, as long as there is no further medical crisis. My dad's in a good spot -- he has access to lots of help.
My head is a lot more clear about all of this now that I'm in a much better spot with my own health, emotional and physical and mental. I think it's time to figure out the plan for the next 5 years for my dad. I can do that. That's not too much and I'll sleep easier.
I imagine some of you may be saying to your screen "DON'T DO IT, ALI." lol Unfortunately, my two parents aren't good at this kind of thing, being organized and having a clear plan. I can wait and see if poop hits the fan in the future, or I can preempt any of that by outlining what the issue is to the Elder Care attorney, get her to help me craft a plan that is sound financially and legally.
make a statement concerning what you knew about the monies your Mom is using.
That moment may be a simple conversation over the phone (with someone listening), when your Mom may say something like (with a bit of desperation in her voice):
"I used all the money for your Dad...right?" " I paid this, that, and the other thing, right?"
"I was helping your Dad, right?" [emphasis on the R i g h t ?].
You will somehow u n d e r s t a n d that if you say anything other than "YES", your Mom will be in big trouble, with your words to blame. So, faced with this, you may have to compromise the truth to protect Mom.
I do not recommend you allow anything to get to that point, and the gov't may be calling your Dad instead.
That is why, seeing how you are being pulled back in to the mix, and offering to help, "knowing more of what is transpiring", I recommend you no longer discuss your Mom's actions with her, and back way off. So you can even say: Since (today) I have stopped being Dad's caregiver, I do not know a n y t h i n g about what my Mom has done, I do not know anything about how my Dad was being cared for, etc.
It has been my experience that in a dysfunctional family, when the money gets funny, the perpetrator needs an accomplice. Protect yourself and don't take on that role.
Disclaimer: Not saying this is what is happening to you, but it could be.
Mom thinks she has found the pot of gold and wants the key to unlock the box.
Golden, are you feeling okay? Hope so.
((((hugs, golden))))
Not even ONE step back into dysfunction junction.
Your mom is attempting to tangle you back into the web. So that she can throw up her hands, blame you for all the problems and be happy with the drama she's created.
Stop the pattern. Here and now.
My father doesn't deserve to have his benefits revoked permanently because of my mom's actions, even if he does know what she's doing. I don't think he's capable of understanding what could go wrong.
My mom, for all her faults, isn't trying to "rob" my father in any way. But she is a busybody FAR beyond what is healthy for ANYONE around her. I think everyone, myself included, feels she's more than justified having a couple hundred dollars each month for her caregiving efforts. She'd be "justified" in getting much more than that since she raised 3 children w/o the court ordered child support. But I digress.
Anything that happens will be through the Trust, a geriatric case manager, and the attorney. I may turn this situation over to them, w/o saying exactly why I need them to craft a 5 year care plan. And I'll tell older bro exactly why so he'll be on board.
Don't "yell" at me, please. I know you want what's best for me and I do, too. I don't want anything to do with this circus but I'm not ok with allowing my mother to come up with any more bad ideas on her own, either. Time to call in the experts and put a care plan - with a caregiving agreement - in place.
I don't want to think about a bigger mess in the future, so I'm looking at this like -- fix the little mess now, permanently, by putting care plan and case manager in place.
Welp. This stinks. My brain is not wanting to sleep but I'm going to shut the laptop off and try to just sleep... and let a correct solution come to me over time. If I can see my way clear to leaving them all to themselves, I'll do that. If I think calling in the pros is the way to give myself peace of mind longterm, I'm going to do that. I'm not sure yet. Thanks bunches, so thankful for you guys, even when you say things I don't want to hear. ;-)
How does that come to be in your locus of control?
You can tell the trust about it, since they seem very interested in what happens to dad's money. You can alert the elder care attorney to it.
But that's as far as I would dip my toe in.
I oh-so-know know how hard it is to draw the line when parents groomed you to be their pinball.
Stay strong. And stay out of it.
Deliver concise, neutral, facts-only tips to both the trust and the elder care attorney.
Then no more.
(((((hugs)))))
It feels nice, now, doesn't it, to be a bit validated, at last?
That feeling will not last, and will somehow leave you saying: "Why did they treat me so bad?"
If your relationship with your Mom is only about this topic......think twice.
When was the last mother/daughter lunch out together you had?
I'm backing off, leaving it alone.
The bad part is, she also misplaced her American Express card.
She is still looking for them.
Smart decision Ali!
Twisteds vindictiveness is what finished me. Which would be easier to deal with? Vindictiveness? Detached uninvolved sibs? Don't know, seems one feeds the other, at least in my case.
dori - glad your bro came and had some kind (his kind) of a visit. It is what he can do.
heart - sorry you are so ground down. Your mum will never appreciate what you are doing for her -she can't. Her brain isn't wired that way. Here we all care for our parents -even those of us who have our parents in a facility. We care for them and we care for ourselves. Put the oxygen on yourself first.
glad - I am with you. I would rather have uninvolved sibs than one's who accuse me of mismanagement of mother's money, and in my case, then expect me to smile and go for tea with them.
It's not only narc seniors that try to manipulate, but also 14 yr old granddaughters. Thank goodness dd is back on her proper meds, and we can talk again. Dgd tried a few things on me, but I headed her off at the pass and referred her back to her mother.
I have been burnt out by this long winter, There is still lots of snow on the front lawn, and some in the back. It is usually gone by now. We have only reached a few degrees above freezing for short periods of time the last couple of days, but melting is underway. The sun is bright, but the air is still cold.
One of the vicissitudes of old age is that your friends get sick. A long time friend (aged 74) just had a second bad attack of a fib. Tests show her heart muscle and blood vessels are healthy, which is good, but, despite zapping her, they have not been able to get her heart rate regulated, so she is experiencing periods of breathlessness and dizziness. She already has some age related memory loss and any cardiac problems will likely exacerbate that and dizziness can bring falls. Both affect quality of life. It is the old thing - live healthy and you die anyway. She and her hub eat properly, never smoked, walk long walks every day (not any more) and so on. However, she is very tightly strung, and that doesn't help. She is home now and regulating HR as best she can with meds. Her hub had to cancel his knee surgery. She is a fastidious housekeeper, and I wonder how she is going to manage now. There are some advantages to being more relaxed about the house. Decorate it nicely, and a few things out of place and a little dust doesn't matter.
R mentioned the other day that when I go he would... I told him that, despite the age difference, not to assume that I would go first. He has lost a couple of cousins already, and mother is still alive.
Have a good day everyone -do something good for you. I think I need a nap.
Take care everyone, hoping you all have a restful day.
This weekend has been a little better, it rained and I saw some brown on the side of the road. We were so burnt out with bad weather, we went to Boston yesterday afternoon. Stayed overnight at the Four Season. Girls were impressed and had fun. We went to American Girl for lunch and then to the Lego store. Kids have had fun. We should be home shortly. Stopped at LL Bean. Kids loved the trout pond. I found a raincoat on sale - definitely needed a new one.