
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Plus mom is still back to her psycho "mean girl" ways, STILL since bro's visit. And I'd been starting to enjoy being around her again.....sigh. I dunno what's up with her. But yeah, the whole weekend's been a write-off, overall.
Anyway, I miss you all! I was just in no frame of mind (or body!) to sit up and join in the forum over the weekend. Big hugs to everyone!
I've always been a shoe junkie (inherited trait from my mother). Four or five inch heels my favorite. Now I'd break my neck if I tried to wear those. I have a pair of silver ones with ankle straps I got at a boutique in Dallas. Got to wear them twice. Broke my heart. I love those shoes. Can't bring myself to get rid of them.
50sChild - no birds here. R said for the first time in his life he hasn't seen a robin by Easter. So glad you have such great caregivers for your dad. Moving mother out of her very nice ALF two bedroom apartment was the hardest for me. I knew it was the end of life as she knew it and had lived it for years and years, but she needed the specialised care she was going to. It was difficult, but necessary.
dori - ouch! So sorry you have been in such pain. Even without your type of problem it is hard to find shoes that work. Hoping your mum's mood changes for the better. Do some good things for you. Are you still swimming?
sharyn -keep us updated about your bro. He is very brave to go hiking. I know he went through a lot with his family.
becky -glad you have found shoes that work I used to love heels too and have a gold snakeskin pair upstairs that I will never wear again. Last year I bought a pair of funky black suede boots with heels. Haven't worn them yet and may never. Keep the silver ones!!!!
glad - venting here has kept many of us (relatively) sane. Hope the house plans are coming along and the weather cooperates.
Going to try to get a better night's sleep. 3 hrs and a nap isn't enough. Take care all.
I think she is trying to prove she can still be independent and doesn't need help. The first time she got nasty again was the first night bro was here - the bedtime home support worker came to get her changed, and bro decided that's when it was time for him to go back to his hotel room. Mom was super mean to the worker and refused ALL help. And it's been going that way since.
I might be wrong, but I think she's embarrassed, or maybe thinks her care needs are what's keeping her son from visiting, or maybe just determined to try and prove she's fine/independent, and doesn't need the extra help. Which, of course, ends up making more work for me. (This morning at 6:30 I found her on the dining room floor - she tries to walk independently but can't. The kitchen drawers were all pulled apart in a search for bags and towels, and her dirty Depends and pajama bottoms were in the middle of the kitchen. This is after yesterday when she refused to let me or home support get her changed.)
What do you think?
If I could figure out the psychology behind this behavioral change, I think I could approach it better with her.
I just hope to goodness it settles down again. Your best bet is to ignore it as far as possible and think ahead to preempt any practical problems - put a laundry basket in her room if you can't get her immediately back to having help with changing, that kind of thing.
You may also want to go into your room and curse your brother, I know I would.
I found poo all over the floor when I got back from taking her to dialysis. I didn't see it because the kitchen light was off this morning (dark floor), but there it was. Bum smear, where she fell, and then smeared where she scooted on the floor to the dining room. And poo on the good, bright red and white kitchen towels I bought with my own money to perk up the kitchen. Oh, but she'll wash the towels, she snaps at me, like it's no big deal. And she'll never do it. She hasn't done one task she's said she was going to do....pretty much since she moved here. Maybe long before - who knows how long she's been playing this game of "When I Feel Better"?
She is currently sulking because I told her, "No more refusing home support help. Or else I can't do this anymore." She knows what "I can't do this anymore" means. It means she won't get to stay in her own home. That's the one thing she desperately wants, so I'm using it against her. Yes, I am. I'm not even ashamed anymore.
"Why are you like this?" she snapped. Not for the first time.
Why am I like this.
GRRRR...ARGH...ARGLE-BLARGLE-ARRRRGGGHH.
I used to think my dad was completely unreasonable too, and terribly short-tempered. He yelled, she cried. Then I came to appreciate what a centripetal force of chaos and negativity mother was. Picture her serenely engaged in The Times' crossword while house and family burned. The Gas Board writing letters "too offensive" to reply to while she stocked up on Villeroy & Bosch dinner sets.
I really DO miss her, you know. Hugs! :)
CM - I've washed the tea towels 4 times now, in laundry detergent, vinegar, and Resolve. Lol. At least now I know for sure how I ended up with anxiety problems as an adult. And yeah....dad wasn't perfect, but he's seeming positively saintly right now. Even with dementia, he was a total sweetheart.
Swimming today! Thank goodness for the one aspect of my week where my biggest worry is keeping my hair from getting chlorine-fried. Then best guy friend is coming for dinner....poor sap doesn't know I'm making my first ever attempt at butter chicken tonight.
All my life, my mom - extra slim, pretty, blue-eyed, delicate-looking, former beauty pageant winner - expressed jealousy over my hair. I got dad's flat feet, lazy eye, wide shoulders, and thick bones. But my hair - that's what the fine-haired beauty queen was always jealous about. And I've always thought: "You got everything else, lady! I got the hair! Suck it up!"
I'll be d***ed if I'm going to let chlorine wreck it now. :-P
Becky - oh gosh, I would LOVE to say something like that, lol. I suck it back now because of the dementia. But yes. Good for you! I wish I'd seen it!
smeshque - Thank you....hanging in by the fingernails....
Thanks for the laugh; glad to read you got away from mom and in the pool for a bit!
smeshque - I don't really know anything about Ativan. Years ago I had a friend who took it to help her sleep. She was a very tense, anxious, agitated person as a way of going - I can't imagine what she would've been like without it.
Well, mom didn't get up today, but she did let the home support workers change her last night and tonight. Tonight, actually, she didn't want to, but I just said, "We don't want a repeat of Monday morning, DO WE?" And she relented.
Gosh, I'm soooo exhausted.....
Edit: oh yeah! The butter chicken turned out great!
Well, mom seems to be getting a little bit back to normal. Hopefully things will continue in this direction! I ordered her a bunch of new pajamas of Amazon, which arrived today, so she's happy and fast asleep in bed.
I wonder if it's always going to be like this? It's starting to feel cyclical. Happy-calm-normal-ish, then mom's escalation of mean and defiant behaviours, then a big poop incident....then I play the big bad authority figure, she sulks for awhile, and then everything goes back to happy-calm-normal-ish. Definitely feeling a little cyclical and almost like....she is testing me every so often. And it always seems to peak with a poop incident! Like she knows that's the one thing that will break me so she does it on purpose. I mean, I kinda doubt it's on purpose....but then again, who knows?