Follow
Share
Read More
Hey all.....quick check in. Been having a ton of pain from my injury since Friday, horrible. Ugh. It was triggered by new shoes, which I foolishly wore all day, out in the world, without testing them first. Started with pain in my lower back and then BOOM, everything seized up from pelvis to skull.  I haven't had new shoes for a couple of years, and I bought good ones (Skechers). This doesn't bode well!

Plus mom is still back to her psycho "mean girl" ways, STILL since bro's visit. And I'd been starting to enjoy being around her again.....sigh. I dunno what's up with her.  But yeah, the whole weekend's been a write-off, overall.

Anyway, I miss you all! I was just in no frame of mind (or body!) to sit up and join in the forum over the weekend. Big hugs to everyone!
(5)
Report

Dori, hope you get to feeling better. Shoes are one of the biggest issues I contend with now. I have diabetic neuropathy in my foot and lower leg. Changed the shape of my foot. I buy Sketchers because they adapt to my foot. But I have to break them in carefully.

I've always been a shoe junkie (inherited trait from my mother). Four or five inch heels my favorite. Now I'd break my neck if I tried to wear those. I have a pair of silver ones with ankle straps I got at a boutique in Dallas. Got to wear them twice. Broke my heart. I love those shoes. Can't bring myself to get rid of them.
(3)
Report

Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom... yes, wisdom... with heart and love and compassion. Reading all of these posts made me feel like I came home to my AC family again... Although I've been swamped with caregiving, house, care, and life's many worries, I had problems with the AC site, so I was quite frustrated (still don't understand why I don't get emails for post replies, etc.) so I just pop in once in a while... You all bring up so many good points... Which is worse?... having bad sibs to interfere with caregiving close by or having them far away... so may things that make your mind reel somethimes. One thing we can all agree on is how very difficult this all is and how it affects our lives permanently. Who,would have thought when we we all younger that it would be this hard. Even though my mother is the way she is, I will always love her... Sometimes, I feel like she's two people in one... and, maybe she is... But, still in all... there's been too much heartbreak and I just don't understand why families can't get along... On the other hand... I get it... it's just not possible for humans. Just rambling... I love all of you... praying that things will get easier for you... You're all so special.
(6)
Report

Heart come back more often. We have missed you. Just say hi or rant whatever you need we are here.
(5)
Report

heart I have wondered how you were and why we didn't hear from you. You are right that the family dysfunction affects us permanently. It still hurts me too which is why I keep my distance. It is too hard. Come back and ramble any time.

50sChild - no birds here. R said for the first time in his life he hasn't seen a robin by Easter. So glad you have such great caregivers for your dad. Moving mother out of her very nice ALF two bedroom apartment was the hardest for me. I knew it was the end of life as she knew it and had lived it for years and years, but she needed the specialised care she was going to. It was difficult, but necessary.

dori - ouch! So sorry you have been in such pain. Even without your type of problem it is hard to find shoes that work. Hoping your mum's mood changes for the better. Do some good things for you. Are you still swimming?

sharyn -keep us updated about your bro. He is very brave to go hiking. I know he went through a lot with his family.

becky -glad you have found shoes that work I used to love heels too and have a gold snakeskin pair upstairs that I will never wear again. Last year I bought a pair of funky black suede boots with heels. Haven't worn them yet and may never. Keep the silver ones!!!!

glad - venting here has kept many of us (relatively) sane. Hope the house plans are coming along and the weather cooperates.

Going to try to get a better night's sleep. 3 hrs and a nap isn't enough. Take care all.
(7)
Report

Wow, is it true 1 in 50 people in Colorado will get MS?
(1)
Report

sharyn I do know that ms is prevalent in temperate climates and I think there are geographical "belts" where the incidence is high. Scotland has a high incidence.
(3)
Report

Oh my gosh you guys. I think I just figured out why mom has been mean and defiant again since bro's visit. Tell me if you think this is possible?

I think she is trying to prove she can still be independent and doesn't need help. The first time she got nasty again was the first night bro was here - the bedtime home support worker came to get her changed, and bro decided that's when it was time for him to go back to his hotel room. Mom was super mean to the worker and refused ALL help. And it's been going that way since.

I might be wrong, but I think she's embarrassed, or maybe thinks her care needs are what's keeping her son from visiting, or maybe just determined to try and prove she's fine/independent, and doesn't need the extra help. Which, of course, ends up making more work for me. (This morning at 6:30 I found her on the dining room floor - she tries to walk independently but can't.  The kitchen drawers were all pulled apart in a search for bags and towels, and her dirty Depends and pajama bottoms were in the middle of the kitchen. This is after yesterday when she refused to let me or home support get her changed.)

What do you think? 

If I could figure out the psychology behind this behavioral change, I think I could approach it better with her.
(4)
Report

Yes, all of the above, Dorianne, which adds up basically to her just being in a foul mood. She's fed up. She's maybe also having a bit of a reaction mentally, having exerted herself to pay attention to the State Visit, and is even less focused on process than normal.

I just hope to goodness it settles down again. Your best bet is to ignore it as far as possible and think ahead to preempt any practical problems - put a laundry basket in her room if you can't get her immediately back to having help with changing, that kind of thing.

You may also want to go into your room and curse your brother, I know I would.
(5)
Report

Thanks Golden. I did not know this and it took me by surprise.
(1)
Report

Thank you Glad, Golden, Countrymouse... My mind has been really 'screwed' up lately due to family BS/sort of brainwashing... (they'd like to think). My mother always has to 'one-up' me so she always thinks she's the 'Superior' Mother (think Mother Theresa). Dorianne... It's that and all the above... I think some mothers just think they are Superior (mostly to daughters IMO) no matter what... Sure makes caregiving for THEM.... HELL!
(3)
Report

Ugh, mom has a laundry basket in her room. And her own bathroom.  And a commode.  And two garbage containers, a bunch of plastic bags, towels, flannel washcloths, disposable washcloths, flushable butt wipes, and spare Depends. No, she just has to bring her chaos out into the main living area. For fun, I guess.

I found poo all over the floor when I got back from taking her to dialysis. I didn't see it because the kitchen light was off this morning (dark floor), but there it was. Bum smear, where she fell, and then smeared where she scooted on the floor to the dining room. And poo on the good, bright red and white kitchen towels I bought with my own money to perk up the kitchen. Oh, but she'll wash the towels, she snaps at me, like it's no big deal. And she'll never do it. She hasn't done one task she's said she was going to do....pretty much since she moved here. Maybe long before - who knows how long she's been playing this game of "When I Feel Better"?

She is currently sulking because I told her, "No more refusing home support help. Or else I can't do this anymore." She knows what "I can't do this anymore" means. It means she won't get to stay in her own home. That's the one thing she desperately wants, so I'm using it against her. Yes, I am. I'm not even ashamed anymore. 

"Why are you like this?" she snapped.  Not for the first time.

Why am I like this.

GRRRR...ARGH...ARGLE-BLARGLE-ARRRRGGGHH.
(3)
Report

My empathy for my father grows every day my mother brings out the crazy.
(4)
Report

Dorianne... I got the "Why are you like this" gig also... They seem to throw out all the zingers they can to make you feel BAD to them (and, to make them feel right)... My mother walked all over/controlled my stepfather. I felt badly for him (also) before he died... It's a pattern she brought over to me... like I replaced him... only, I don't take her crap.
(3)
Report

Lol, I swear one day mom is going to say, "Why are you like this?" And it will be like that straw, and I'm the camel. And I'm going to snap, "Well, you're the one who raised me, lady!"
(4)
Report

Dorianne- I think you might be on to something about your Moms behavior since visit from brother. It makes sense. Hang in there.
(2)
Report

Yeah, Dorianne, why are being you like this? You got a problem with crap smeared all over the lino and extra-ironically on your new cheering-up kitchen napery or something?

I used to think my dad was completely unreasonable too, and terribly short-tempered. He yelled, she cried. Then I came to appreciate what a centripetal force of chaos and negativity mother was. Picture her serenely engaged in The Times' crossword while house and family burned. The Gas Board writing letters "too offensive" to reply to while she stocked up on Villeroy & Bosch dinner sets.

I really DO miss her, you know. Hugs! :)
(3)
Report

Dori, I've pm'd you a link to an article from the Kidney Foundation about end stage kidney disease, dialysis and dementia. You really need to have a conversation with her doctors with an honest discussion of the latest symptoms. This fecal exposure is not good for your health and may cause you long term liver and other health issues.
(4)
Report

Guest - I appreciate that. I HAVE tried to talk about the dementia with her kidney team. All they've done is snip at me that I have to get a referral from the GP to geriatric psych.  I guess I will discuss this article with the renal social worker.  (Edit:  though based on the article, it might be too late to treat it in any meaningful way.  Mom has had kidney disease for about 15 years.) 

CM - I've washed the tea towels 4 times now, in laundry detergent, vinegar, and Resolve. Lol. At least now I know for sure how I ended up with anxiety problems as an adult. And yeah....dad wasn't perfect, but he's seeming positively saintly right now.  Even with dementia, he was a total sweetheart.

Swimming today! Thank goodness for the one aspect of my week where my biggest worry is keeping my hair from getting chlorine-fried. Then best guy friend is coming for dinner....poor sap doesn't know I'm making my first ever attempt at butter chicken tonight.
(3)
Report

Dorianne, My Mom didn’t have dementia and didn’t have health problems until the very end. She had  vision and hearing deficits and mobility issues. Mostly she was mean and self-centered. She would ask me that question. One day I had had enough of her I said take a long look in the mirror- I’m what growing up with you turned me into. After that a ton of other stuff hit the fan with my brother and his family and I moved out.
(3)
Report

Well, I sucked it up and bought a swim cap this morning. Had to get one for long hair, so the shape resembles a Smurf cap. (I should have gotten the white one just so it would look deliberately Smurf-ish.) But I think my hair survived the pool, finally, and that is the most important thing.

All my life, my mom - extra slim, pretty, blue-eyed, delicate-looking, former beauty pageant winner - expressed jealousy over my hair. I got dad's flat feet, lazy eye, wide shoulders, and thick bones. But my hair - that's what the fine-haired beauty queen was always jealous about.  And I've always thought:  "You got everything else, lady!  I got the hair!  Suck it up!"

I'll be d***ed if I'm going to let chlorine wreck it now. :-P

Becky - oh gosh, I would LOVE to say something like that, lol. I suck it back now because of the dementia. But yes. Good for you! I wish I'd seen it!

smeshque - Thank you....hanging in by the fingernails....
(4)
Report

Dorianne your comment about the hair gave me a good chuckle! I got my moms amazing flowing locks...just wish dad had kept his flakey scalp genes to himself -sigh-

Thanks for the laugh; glad to read you got away from mom and in the pool for a bit!
(5)
Report

Ah Dori! “You got everything else, lady! I got the hair! Suck it up!”, I had a good laugh reading that line!!
(3)
Report

Does anyone have any knowledge or experience with Ativan? A Dear Friend has been started on that and now she is just totally out of it, sleeping all the time, and been falling a lot. Just curious as to anyones experience with this. Thank you.
(0)
Report

Lol Sharyn and Straw - it's actually a long-time true thought in my head though. :-P

smeshque - I don't really know anything about Ativan. Years ago I had a friend who took it to help her sleep. She was a very tense, anxious, agitated person as a way of going - I can't imagine what she would've been like without it.

Well, mom didn't get up today, but she did let the home support workers change her last night and tonight. Tonight, actually, she didn't want to, but I just said, "We don't want a repeat of Monday morning, DO WE?" And she relented.

Gosh, I'm soooo exhausted.....

Edit:  oh yeah!  The butter chicken turned out great! 
(6)
Report

thanks Dori
(1)
Report

Smeshque, Ativan is a benzodiazepine. Could be that her dosage might need adjusted. It can be started at 0.25 mg up to 2 mg. By any chance is this a very thin low weight person? Sometimes body weight makes a difference. Also, if she is taking any other meds there might be an adverse interaction. It also should not be taken with any kind of alcohol at all. That would cause the falling and the being out of it. Some people take a week or so to get used to drug. It's generally labeled not to drive or operate machinery until one sees how they react.
(3)
Report

Thank you Becky- she is not very thin, she doesn't drink, I think too that the dose needs lowering.
(2)
Report

smeshque - is your friend taking it to sleep, or taking it for anxiety, or maybe seizures? If it's for anxiety, is this the first thing she's been given for it? When my doctor decided to treat my anxiety, I was given an SSRI. (It didn't work, but I had the option to try others till we found one that worked. I gave it up after 6 months, though, and went with counseling instead - which is what I asked for in the first place, in the form of a referral to a psychiatrist.....I was pretty much denied based on "wait times."  Oh, and later on I started taking CBD oil, which definitely helps and gives me zero side effects.)

Well, mom seems to be getting a little bit back to normal. Hopefully things will continue in this direction! I ordered her a bunch of new pajamas of Amazon, which arrived today, so she's happy and fast asleep in bed.

I wonder if it's always going to be like this? It's starting to feel cyclical. Happy-calm-normal-ish, then mom's escalation of mean and defiant behaviours, then a big poop incident....then I play the big bad authority figure, she sulks for awhile, and then everything goes back to happy-calm-normal-ish. Definitely feeling a little cyclical and almost like....she is testing me every so often. And it always seems to peak with a poop incident!  Like she knows that's the one thing that will break me so she does it on purpose.  I mean, I kinda doubt it's on purpose....but then again, who knows?
(3)
Report

Happy Friday everyone!
(6)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter