The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Oh Dori, I forgot it was time for leg shaving :(

"When I have a brand new hair-do
With my eyelashes all in curl
I float as the clouds on air do
I enjoy being a girl...."

All together now!

Yeaaah Becky! Knew you could do it! (I think God had something to do with moving the nutty lady....)

Suddenly, I don't feel shame for only shaving my legs on as needed basis :)
I even use that gel that is made from soy and claims to slow down regrowth, LOL

Becky,
Fabulous news - plan a celebration

Great news Becky!

Dori, you mean I have to shave my winter growth. I have enjoyed the added warmth it provides, lol! Idaho can’t decide if it’s spring or late fall.

Sharyn and MsMadge - I'm a feminist and you don't have to shave anything you don't want to. ;-)

I have a really nice rechargeable wet/dry shaver. It's great because the hairs aren't all sharp and prickly when the stubble comes in.  But I just can't master the full de-forestation at the end of winter with it.

Thanks for the thread. YES. Credit is in heaven and never going to be found on earth here from any member of dysfunctional family so don't go looking for it. Wasting your absolutely precious time with your parent, child, or loved one who is gravely ill. Steer clear of all discussion of money, except in the 1940's theatrical Cabaret, I rarely hear people sing songs about MONEY making the world go round! You recall this was during the Nazi's invasion of Europe.
Back to topic. Counseling is necessary. Mediation when discussing money and other legal aspects. The more secrets, the worse mess. So don't even discuss with one member of the dysfunctional family, or you might as well tell it on Social Media!!!!
Lastly, today, let us pray for all those who are care giver's and are tired. We all know what we go through. When I ask for help, or someone says, "what about your SIDE of the family" I know it's time to close my door and meditate or listen to music.
I need to create a spiritual environment of hope for my loved one, and myself.

As far as the family goes, we are basically tied to the top of the car as in the old days with the luggage. What they don't know is if we fall off...so does the entire structure which we help to set in place. YOU ARE IMPORTANT! ONLY YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS!

God bless each and all.

This just adds the challenging dynamics of being a caregiver. Many caregivers of elderly parents are 'caregivers' in their own families for other dysfunctional issues. Adding to their challenges. They are real warriors.

Im dealing with a sister who is 2 and half years younger than me who is a story telling convincing little lier and thinks she is always right about every thing and anyone in her life.She is jealous of me always has been, talks behind my back some what nice to my face.She believes her own fabracatied lies its almost to watch her mouth move as she talking, you just to agree to disagree and walk away.The problem is our father just passed on march 6,2018 and lived with my dad and stepmom and constantly put me down made up bullcrap stories just to me her look better .Both lissoned to her because they are older and like gossip.To make this sister rival a little shorter im not talking to my stepmom or sister because they both are evil two faced lonely people who deserve each other and i cant keep up with their drama and wont.

Mom passed on Easter, April 1. Many of you know the horror my narcissistic sisters made my life often starting with the notice "We have something to discuss" and they'd blindside me with ridiculous accusations, even accusing me of mismanaging Mom's money and elder abuse two days after Mom's death because Mom's lawyer had questions about Mom's checking account. After 14 months of sleep deprivation, exhaustion, torturous behavior of my three sisters towards me, sorting and packing Mom's house, helping with Mom's estate, and packing up myself with a large UHaul trailer, having to trade in my car for a 4-wheel-drive with a tow package, I'm home!

The exhaustion is so bad I can hardly walk, even though I've been here since Saturday. My ex (the divorce papers of our 20-year marriage I received the first week at Mom's) helped me unload the trailer Sunday. The slightest movement makes my legs wobbly and I'm so clumsy I'm constantly knocking things over or dropping things.

Today, my ex called asking to stop by because "we have some things to discuss." Suddenly, I felt like throwing up. My heart raced and I could hardly walk. He only needed to talk about the property taxes and our local volunteer fire department. While he was talking I started weeping and shaking. He finally finished, and I just burst into tears, hyperventilated, and I had to sit down.

Took me a long time to get a hold of myself. Bawling, I kept saying I was sorry. Finally I got it out how his comment set off my reaction because of Sisters' behavior. He felt so bad yet he was angry they had driven me to this point. He knew how badly they had treated me when all I had done was take care of Mom's money for years (he was right there while I started her finances five years ago) and he was my sounding board when things turned bad.

All I can think of is "this must be what PTSD feels like." I knew I was in bad shape but this scares me.

Moose, lots of ex caregivers have PTSD, IMO.

Can you get yourself to the doctor this week? You need a thorough physical and a frank talk with her/him about what you've just lived through.

A war zone, for sure. With sisters like that, who needs enemy fire?

Thank you, Barb! You good folks have been my sanity (such as it is) lifeline. I am making a doc's appointment, and I will talk with him about it! Thank you again.

Moose, I don't even have a dysfunctional family, but I will tell you that I would not be standing today if it weren't for the amazing people on this board.

My kids, my husband and the rest of my family all think it's a little weird that I talk about this cyber family all the time. I don't care. This is my "ground".

Thank you, Barb. Doc appointment for next week. I so hear you about our cyber family. You all got me through (and am going through).

Yes mountainmoose, PTSD along with exhaustion. Barbs suggestion is right on. Take your days slow, sleep when you need to sleep. Vitamin and mineral supplements along with a nutritional diet. See the dr ASAP. (((Hugs)))!

Hubs leaves Saturday to California to visit and bring back his grandmother’s dining table. I’m looking forward to some alone time in the house.

Dd started work today. Lol!...she said, “ now I know why you are so tired when you get off work”! Her legs hurt and her fitbit said she had 71 minutes of exercise! Haha, I work with her on Thursday.

Sibs, look up detaching with love. It will help to deal with the lies and drama making. Learn to not give 2 cents about what your sis says. Limit time around her, set firm boundaries. Hang in there and be kind to yourself.

Mountain, welcome aboard. did you say cyber family? :) This forum helped save my sanity and much more. I am forever grateful to the wonderful and caring people that are on board here.

A lot of the feedback and support still sticks with me today. Please forgive that I am not checking in more often. the drama continues its the same ole thing just another day. It still tears me apart to see my mother deteriorate. each stage and step she goes through I go through. There is still not a home attendant. Someone has started coming in about once maybe twice a week to clean hall which is such a relief. I am dreaading summer as that comes with the gnats, moths and the ants. I tried a good cleaning for the spring in anticipation of ants and gnats. put down traps my mother kept picking them up and trying to take them apart. Then she daily leaves stuff all around. the sink gets stopped up. the toilet. We had heavey rain and it poured in the kitchen because the gutters were filled. The mice are back but maybe gone now since I didnt see or hear one today when I got home or before I left. The men are still working next door. Its like hammering constantly on wall behind bed. Ive been really tired because there is no escape. I cant sleep. They were fairly quiet this morning so maybe they are finally done. I thought that weeks ago and they came right back with more noise on same wall. then scraping. My neighbor said they are bringing back the marble that was painted over and over onthe fire place.. I thsought they were making a brick wall drilling in the grooves. lol. Then this morning my mother was like to you see all these dancing ladies. Of course there were ants running around on table. I had just cleaned it before I went up in the morning. My mother seems like she is on a special misson sometimes. She tears apart the blue chucks for the dog poop and pee andthere is cotton all around one day she made a skirt.

Some days its really funny other days I want to cry every now and then I just boo hoo in the shower and hope my face clears up before I hit the streets to work.

I truly hope that everyone is fine and making progress with their journey what ever it is. Rays of love peace and joy to you all. Smile and smile and smile it literally keeps me going.
Love you all.

Here I just wanted to say hi, and I miss you all and reading the post and I write another book. I could never forget you all and I think of you even if I am not on line just like before. Something happens and I want to share. I just be to tired sometimes to log in and the last few times I just kept haveing a hard time.

I am in therapy Yayyyyy!!!! Ithink I love it. I think I am about 4 sessions in. I will be preping for a colonsocopy and endoscopy so I am a little stressed about all that drinking and "stuff". I get caught off guard sometimes now that the wheather is changed and a different season. I used to call my girlfriend while I waited for bus on way to work. I would sit on a bench across from busstop. Then my cousin I keep dreaming of him. He would take me to get flowers and things for the house.

Anyways Hi and much love to all.

I started to log out then started reading.

You guys are as awesome as ever.
Becky I am so glad for you. Glad the truth was revealed.

Golden, Glad, I always have much love for you wise women.

Doriane your humor and straightforwardness hits home base with me and is so uplifting.

(((((HUGS))))))

Will be back later tonight, but wanted to send big hugs to

(((((MountainMoose)))))

and

(((((Duck)))))

Also, I can't believe I actually just got my resistant mother into her weekly shower by simply saying, "It's not a question, mom."

Dorianne - I reached that point with my mother as well. You never want to raise your voice to your mother if you weren't raised in an environment that made it ok to do that - and I wasn't. So having to be stern and firm with my mom was absolutely foreign to me. But it got to a point where she was resisting showering so much that it would be days and days - a week sometimes - before she'd finally agree to do it. Mom was a large woman, and had multiple skin folds that would rub together and cause the skin to break down, and infection/fungus would start in those folds - showering frequently to keep them clean was a must.

I had to finally tell her, as diplomatically as possible, "Mom - there is an odor in the house because you're not washing yourself at all. You are not the only one living in this house - it's unfair that I have to tolerate the odor because you won't bathe. You are taking a shower today and that's all there is to it." She'd hem and haw and say, "ok, I'll do it later - after this tv show (or after dinner or after a nap, etc)" - and I'd have to raise my voice and say, "NO - You are showering NOW."

I *hated* doing that, but it was the only thing that got through to her. After the shower, she'd be all happy and saying how much better she felt. Every single time.

I am the sole Caregiver for my 84 year old Mother. I have 4 remaining siblings......ALL of who cannot be bothered to help with her. I had to make the decision after my Father passed as to if I was willing to move and take care of her or they would have just "thrown her away" in a nursing home! Let me please begin.....and please try to be patient with me. This is quite a long story which I will do my best to not drag it out. I had been living in Florida, happily married ( I thought) for 9 years. My ex is a Union Pipefitter. After the 9 years....work just dried up. We moved back to Chicagoland where I'm from. WE rented my friend's basement and that was torment....horrible son who kept us up coming home drunk ( 18 at the time) screaming at her for money and it went on and on. It was like living inside of a drum! After 5 months of that my ex found work in W.Va. I worked at a Walmart and he did his pipefitting thing.......until that, too, started to dry up. WE moved 4 times in the 2 years we were there. In the meantime, my Father started becoming extremely ill......ultimately dying from Renal Failure, along with Liver Cancer. Throughout the 2 years. I was driving back and forth from W.Va. to Chicago a number of times.......one time through the Polar Vortex with my 2 Granddaughters with me, as they had come for Christmas. I spent 4 days taking care of him, as nobody else could be bothered....AGAIN.........so I stayed to give my one sister who WAS doing it all a BREAK. Within a couple months, I had to take a leave of absence due to the fact that same sister kept calling and/or texting while I'm at work saying I needed to get home NOW.....it could be any day. This was April of 2014. My ex and I had finally found a nice, affordable apartment rented out by a Church! Perfect! Or so I thought......while in Florida we attended Mass every Sunday and I taught C.C.D. ( Sunday school) and there was a Catholic Church blocks away. I felt like I could finally breath, because even without him working, we could afford the place and bills that went with it. Well......I don't know when or WHY but all of a sudden, things started changing with his behavior towards me. We had always had a good ( again, I thought) marriage. Going on 10 years and we still enjoyed each other's company. All of a sudden, the beginning of May he began acting strange. taking phone calls that "appeared" sneaky and secretive, as he walked outside to take them. I asked, of course, what was going on.....are you having an affair? Which he vehemtely sp?denied.......and truthfully, I couldn't figure out HOW as he was ALWAYS right there! When he worked, he'd call me several times a day as he had done for all the years we had been together. so I thought he was sick of me driving back and forth all the time. Which......TOOO FREAKIN bad! MY Father was DYING! Anyway......he walked out on me May 29th....Memorial Day, with NO explanation, leaving me in a strange state with NO friends and NO family! Just 2 days before. he had been hanging all over me while I was cooking dinner, telling me how much he loved me! I was devastated, to say the VERY least! Besides my Father dying....I also had HAD breast cancer ( fought it and won!) and have suffered from severe Rheumatoid Athritis since 2004. So, I of course, fell apart. I couldn't eat or sleep.....lost 40 lbs. in 1 month. Then, the call came, AGAIN, that I needed to get home! So, I packed a bag and took a flight ( my oldest sister picked me up) He passed, as I held his hand, a month and a half after my ex turned my world inside out! So.....I got ready to go back to W.Va. and grieve for as long as I could afford to......luckily, I had savings and all bills were caught up. So I had time to think what I wanted to do. MY Mother asked me to come back "home" to take care of her and I told her I had to think about it. Because my gut said NO.....you KNOW it won't turn out well! But the guilt of allowing the OBVIOUSLY uncaring sibs to just throw her away gave me no choice! Pretty much from day one....the B.S. started! After I had given up my apartment and EVERYTHING I owned......most of it from our years together and a few new things. New couch, bedroom set, washer/dryer and 3 window unit A.C's. Also, a refrigerator that was 3 years old! Sold what I could and gave the rest away. Forgot to mention that I had a Gran Mal seizure almost falling on top of my Father. My sister caught me in time, laid me on the floor and called 911. The Dr. asked her what has been going on in my life that would cause this, as I have no history of seizures....amazingly enough. She told him and he told her that I was lucky I hadn't died and that stress kills! REALLY!!!! Soooo....again, I moved in to take care of My Mother and it has been nothing but misery! Ilet a lot slide because of her age....but she has become mean and rude and hateful! When any of the "others" grace our presence....she acts like they are gold and I am shit! She treats me like a SERVANT! I finally put a stop to it, but whenever they would come, she'd tell me to go fix them some coffee or whatever else. Ifinally stopped, telling her AND them that I am NOT a servant. She bi***es about everything and anything I do. I'm 62 years old and I know how to do pretty much everything how to clean, cook, do laundry, shop for groceries, get her to her Dr. appts., etc! And then she decided I should I should take over the 2 gardens my Father created! I love gardening and always have, and am good at it. But after I divorced my ex.......a constant fight with trying to get Alimony, which he would pay when and IF he felt like it! I live on Disability $690 a month!!! Anyway....after divorcing him, I no longer had my medicine for my R.A. Enbral Sureclick 50 mg. once weekly. There are other truly horrifying events that have happened in the almost 4 years I have been doing this on my own! I'll get into all of that another time.........suffice it to say, I was close to death last year. My own doing, as I began drinking heavily....developed Liver Disease to the point that I looked like a refugee.....you know the commercials of the little children who are skeletons, yet look as though they are carrying a 2 year old child inside of them! I was falling all the time and was in the ER every 4-5 weeks, having fluid drained. This went on for 5 months and NO help from ANY of my sibs! NONE! If it hadn't been for my Daughter.......we would have starved . No lie. My sister who "took care of my Dad lived 10 blocks away and couldn't be bothered to come help. My Daughter drove through blizzards and bitter cold and with NO license at the time and half an hour away to make sure we had food,etc. And helped with cleaning,laundry, etc., because I just couldn't DO it! My Mother began acting hateful the. All she was worried about was if I had to go to the hospital for more than a night was "what's going to happen to ME if they need to keep you? She continued to push me to do all of the work I had been doing. My Drs. were starting to ask "family" members who would be willing to get test for a match in the event I needed a part of their liver. My Mother said......when I said to her......"Mom....this is not a bad cold or weird strain of flu! This is something that could KILL me! Her response....I kid you not, WAS........yeah, and you sure love the pity party you're getting because of it!!!!!!!! I was getting NO pity...except from My Daughter, 2 Granddaughters, and of course....MY DRS!!!!! I was so horrified that she could say that and just cried my eyes out and kept thinking....God!!! WHY did I come here??? The last time they drained me, they got 8 liters out of me! My stomach was almost MINE again. They had put me on Oxygen because my stomach was pushing on my lungs, suffocating me! That was May of last year. I've since quit drinking...........actually, the 1st day they told me it was alcohol, January 15th 2017. I dumped an almost full bottle. Have spent this time learning how to prepare meals that are approved. Can't take in more than 2 pts. of liquid a day and less than 1/2 teaspoon of salt. No big deal with that. And yet......getting to my point.......my Mother still treats me like I'm stupid and don't know how to do anything. And I have tried.....ENDLESSLY.....to let her know that I understand that she feels helpless.....because she IS..........but that none of it is MY fault and I would appreciate her no taking it out on me. Because I am, again, beginning to sink into deep depression. I wake up everyday.......really wishing I could just DIE!!!!!! It's and endless battle throughout the Summer because she won't let me turn the AC on! If I open windows and doors...she slams them shut because "she's freezing!" Which, we ALL know is her skin is getting thin. She refuses to put more clothes on and I have severe COPD.......which she ALSO doesn't give a damn about. Everyone who comes here says...."OMG Mom!" it's like a furnace in here open a window, a door, anything! And she turns the AC on for them!!! I'm so freakin depressed every single day and I have NO life! at 62!!! She refuses to compromise with me. I have NO friends left in the area.......all moved away..or died. I have NO ONE to turn to to be able to just VENT! I'm really scared of what I might do out of sheer desperation. I have a few 'pals" around her senior living subdivision that when I step outside to chat with them......she gets jealous and screams at me about what am I doimg and how long will I be??? I'm lonely and would just really be happy if I could get a JOB for a few hours a day! Anything to get out of HER house.........as she makes a point of telling me! I'm trying to get my shit together as far as welfare.....which I HATE....because I have worked since I was 14! I'm going to be getting Medicare as ofmJuly, but they are "penalizing me" for no taking it when I got my Disability! SERIOUSLY!!!!! So now I had to swallow what little is left of my pride and try to get a QMBR??? Where they make up the difference of the money they will be taking out. I also applied for EVERYTHING! Medicaid, Link card, etc. It's humiliating, as, like I said......I have worked since I was 14! I just pray every day that God gives me the strength to keep WANTING to go on! I don't feel like HE's hearing me. I'm thankful I found this site and see many stories like mine with selfish,self-absorbed,ARROGANT sibs who don't...for one second....stop to think how THEY would feel if it was THEM! I had a sister die of B rain Cancer a week before my birthday. April 8th........I'm April 16th. When I texted my brother who NEVER comes around he callled my Mother and told her he just reall doesn't CARE! Okay.......I've gone on MORE than long enough and I hope and pray that I didn't bore anyone. Thank you for allowing me to vent.....because as I said........I have NO ONE! Thank You
Donnq

Donna, Welcome. Feel free to back and vent anytime you want. A part-time job would be great for you. Don’t feel bad about applying for assistance. You’ve worked for years and paid taxes. If you need the help, take it. You can’t change your siblings. Does your Mom have any specific health issues?

Again welcome. Come back anytime.

Susan - I hear ya. Mom only has to shower once a week, as long as she accepts sponge baths in between. But that "conversation" is one we have EVERY week. Except mom will get mad and call me a liar when I tell her she smells - and especially her hair - and that the sponge baths aren't enough. Then she'll want to do it "later," and I have to keep telling her home support is here for exactly one hour on Wednesday mornings to help her shower because I can't, with my injury. Then, yup, she ALWAYS feels so much better afterwards! Ugh!!

My friend has this problem with her schizophrenic adult son. It's exactly the same thing. First he'll resist. Then he'll do it later. Then it will be a week or two since he's had a shower, plus he's still wearing the same clothes. It really drives it home for me that dementia is a mental illness.


Well, today I went over to my friend's house to get my hairs cut. It was so lovely, sitting in her backyard, it reminded me of the old days. "The Old Days" lol. Jeez, it wasn't even that long ago that I had a life. Then I realized the time and had to RACE off to pick mom up from dialysis. And I had SOOOOO much resentment for the situation I'm in. I was polite to mom, but mainly I gave her one word answers, and I'm holed up in the bedroom right now, because she hasn't done anything today that would warrant me being "in a mood" around her. But.....ugh.

I just keep thinking about how summer is here, and I'm in shorts and sandals, and it's backyard weather. And I'm stuck here inside this little apartment most of my hours, losing another season of my life to an adult-sized toddler who sincerely believes me being here watching her endlessly watch mindless television is a GREAT life for me.

I miss my friends. I miss my music. I miss my home. I miss having no television at home. I miss my bike. I miss the outdoors. I miss the sun-kissed highlights in my hair.  I miss jumping in the river on a day like today.

I don't always hate this.  But this is one of those days where I try to decide if I feel more like a prisoner or more like a slave. 

/end vent

There are a couple of people on this forum/website that I feel should absolutely give it a try to writing a book, or at least having a blog, and you Dorianne are one of them. The way you describe things, feelings, situations..makes people really relate to you and very easily get the picture. I’d definitely consider writing as a non-summer-like activity that you could really enjoy this summer. Seriously!

Donna
I will keep you in my prayers - it must seem like you're caught in a storm with no end in sight

Trust me when I say many of us either have no siblings or the ones we have don't participate in the care of their parents
Some of your mom's attitude and behaviors also are not that much different from other elderly scared and demented folks - it doesn't make it right or any easier to know it's a tough job to be a caregiver especially a sole one

You definitely need help, and perhaps you can reach out to your county agency on aging which has resources like social workers etc to see if mom's situation could be improved and give you respite

Not to presume, but do you have a sponsor with AA?   

Donna, my sincere sympathies on your untenable situation.

In addition to all the other good work you've done getting yourself we up with benefits
( you EARNED them) , get yourself on waiting lists for afforable, income based housing.

Having your mother in a care facility is not throwing her away. It's the level of care she needs now.

Donna - I'm awful sorry, I was in self-pity mode yesterday and didn't fully read your post. I don't know what to say except that I'm sending you (((((hugs)))))....and also to tell you to try not to feel guilty about accepting benefits, because your situation is exactly what they are there for. And remember that you've been paying taxes since you were 14, so it is, in fact, your money!

Rosses - gosh, thank you! I did have a blog on creativity for awhile, but when my stepmother was dying of breast cancer, I let it slide and never went back to it. I owe everything I know about writing to her, by the way. She was a journalist, an editor, and a poet, and would absolutely put me to shame in the writing department. (Also she always kicked my butt at Scrabble! Dad too - the crossword king! Lol.)


Well, I'm feeling a little better today. Respite came. BFF and I went swimming. I wasn't really feeling it, so we finished early and went to the park, which helped quite a lot. I really need to find a way to squeeze some "nature time" back into my life, or I will lose my mind entirely! It's funny how different mom and I have become that way. She raised me in "the big city," but I think I was always meant to be a "country girl." I sure am now. Mom is still "city" in so many ways. I guess I should be grateful that she agreed to move here, because I'd REALLY be losing my mind if I had to be in the city right now! I mean, mom used to love to garden, but it's not at all the same as going into a forest and losing yourself a little.....