The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Leg shaving. My legs have long hair stragglers. I used to have very hair legs. Then I hit menopause. Now, only a few hair grow there. Good thing, too. My legs skin cannot handle the shaving – break out with painful sores. (No, I don’t shave upward.) …

Sidsdaughter, is there any possibility of moving out on your own? I know it’s a scary world out there. I’d start saving as much as possible. An emergency fund that no one knows but you. It sure helped me a lot knowing that I had emergency cash while I was staying with my parents and caregiving. My dad always threw it in my face that I had nowhere to go. I actually did – siblings offered me a place to stay. Just knowing that I had my emergency cash made it possible for me to fight back. I was not at their mercy. I did NOT tell him about my emergency fund. That was My secret weapon.

MtMoose, I remembered getting that extreme exhaustion. My mom passed away in March. I went on a 1 week vacation in Honolulu in August. I paid my Colorado sister’s ticket to meet me there. I still can’t believe I spent the whole week in my Waikiki hotel room because I was so exhausted I couldn’t walk far. The way you described your exhaustion sounds similar – except yours is much worse. I’ve always been thankful that I never did suffer a nervous breakdown or an anxiety attack (caused by non-stop caregiving.) I believe that’s much worse than the exhaustion we’re having.

DDDuck, I’m so glad that you enjoy therapy. I struggled at it – with 2 different therapists. I finally gave up. I’m not motivated enough to make the necessary changes. You take care.

Dorianne, isn’t great to still have time to hang around with your friend? I remember always resenting having to go back home after experiencing life without worrying about suctioning, changing pampers, feeding them, etc… It’s like a big letdown to go back to reality. I’m glad that you were able to be with your friend. =)

Susan, yep. I finally learned not to ask. And I also learned to give my Dad 2 or 3 options in which I can live with. Options made him feel as if he was still in control.

bookluvr: Thank you for your post! I'm so sorry about your well-deserved vacation to Hawaii and you couldn't even leave your room! I never thought about the term "nervous breakdown". I have a doc's appointment in a few hours and hope he can help me. I hope you're gaining your strength and finding your real life again.

Mountain moose, I hope your dr appt was beneficial for you.
Dori, yes, the peaceful quiet of a forest, the earthy smell, birds chipping, a river flowing in the background....awe nature!

Enjoying some quiet here at home by myself.

My niece arrived to visit her little girls. Looks completely different. Healthy and has lost maybe 40 lbs. Little  girls were so surprised when my brother brought her in. Jay took her and the girls to have pizza for dinner and will drop her at her hotel before the girls have to be here to go to bed. She’ll be here tomorrow afternoon to go to the dance recital. Fly back to OH late afternoon.

Answering the original question or rather asking a follow up question to it, does it happen to anyone else that when the attitude of someone (likely the person you care for) is so dysfunctional,  you actually question yourself?
Meaning, and I’ll give an example from real life -mine-, since I was younger I remember that if I went out, almost 90% of the time my mom was visibly upset when I returned home. I recall I used to hate going back home because I knew a ‘heavy mood’ would be predominant in the house. And when I say “go out” I mean maybe go to the movies and get ice cream afterwards with a couple of friends, no boyfriend, and my dad usually took us there and picked us up. My dad was always in a good mood.

Now as an adult and having came back to live with my mother in her house, in the role of her caretaker, I find myself in the same situation!
Just I’m a grown up, and I literally do not go out except a few times to go to the movies to clear my head a little. I did that last night, but it was raining very hard when the movie was over, so had to wait to leave the movie theater. When I came back, my mom was visibly upset, and didn’t fail to mention that in my absence she had to deal with the water from the rain to prevent it from getting into the house, so she was “pushing it” out with a broom....which although it was raining hard, and yes sometimes it rains so hard that the water might get inside the house, definitely last night was not the case.

So long story short to say there’s almost invariably an “I had to do X...because you weren’t here” although it is not said like that; and an also non said “you say you care about me but you were out three hours”, or an “I hurt myself doing X..because you weren’t here”. Again, she does not say it like that, but choses a passive aggressive style that really, really upsets me. At least that’s how I feel, that is what I hear although not said like that; yet, as an adult and knowing there’s no logic to this, I wonder: Is it me? Am I making this up and maybe she’s just tired and therefore she acts as if she was upset but it is just that she doesn’t feel well? Could it be that my entire life I’ve been misjudging my mother?
Because so much dysfunctional behavior is hard to conceive.

Does anybody else deal with the “is it me” problem? I do, and then I feel guilty for potentially blaming her for something that is in my imagination! Yet it’s what I’ve experienced all my life. A guilt ridden life.

Enough to make one crazy sometimes!

Anyway, @ Dorianne, the influence of you stepmother shows then! If I were you, I’d most definitely retake that interest and start writing! Use your gift, because you really do have a gift in writing! :-)

Rosses, if you confronted your mother regarding the things she says, what would be her response. Most likely it’s not your imagination. Passive/aggressive speech allows the person to deny the meaning. When you were a teenager, what was behind your mothers anger for going out? If my mom had her way, I would not have had any social life growing up. My mother’s issue was control and not trusting me to make good decisions, in addition to jealousy. My mom wanted to be the center of attention. She disliked every friend I had, found fault with their parents and family members.

Sharyn,

I cannot recall a close friend of mine that my mother approved of, so it seems you and I were/are on the same boat. I had very little social life, which I know affected my entire life even now as an adult, my relationships, my work life, everything.

My mom DOES want to be the center of attention, although I don’t think she realizes it, AT ALL! If you were to ask her she is convinced that she is always thinking of others and not herself...which in a way is true..for example, if she needed to stay up all night with me if I was sick when little, or to do homework FOR me -my way was never good enough-, she always did it...but what she doesn’t realize is that she did/does things like that out of an exacerbated sense of self discipline, an almost unhealthy awareness of her duties, if that makes sense. She does deny anything I mention and quickly victimizes herself, so no point in bringing anything up.

She is content when I’m by her side doing everything from cleaning to helping her with her Facebook account...YET, she feels terrible for having me here as (in her words) her slave...YET, if I go out for a while my welcome seems to always be her being upset...What a psychological nightmare, right?

I feel so bad for her, because she lives in a horrible world of deep emotions where she really feels hurt for things that really don’t happen! And where she experiences highs that are also not well founded, therefore the downs are terrible for her, exhausting! All this in a matter of hours, adds up to a tormented soul..but unfortunately although I can intellectually get all this, it affects me, DEEPLY, and I’m also exhausted. Maybe even more than her!

And it is because all this emotional and psychological out of balance that I question myself, because it all seems so illogical that I end up wondering, IS IT ME? Which, in a way, it is. Because since I know better, I should also handle the situation differently.

Rosses, my mom was borderline personality disordered. You can google it and narcissistic personality disorder.

My mom fits that mold very well too, unfortunately for her, and for me. I saw on your profile that unfortunately your mom passed away in 2016. I’m very sorry Sharyn! Can I ask you though, as a survivor of a Narcissistic parent, how is life now? Have you been left living with guilt, depression, “what is my role in life now” kind of problems? I many times wonder what does life become.

Rosses - my mother has BPD as well. It is NOT you - it is her! I have had to distance myself for my own mental health. Mother is in a nursing home and very well looked after and I visit occasionally and look after all her business. I got rid of guilt and depression years ago, but could not have if I had lived with my mother. She is mentally ill and I am not equipped to deal with that. Life becomes what you make it.

I have a personality disordered sis too and the dreaded annual visit is coming up next weekend. R and I will take her and her new hub for a meal and visit mother a little.

Planning on travelling south then by myself to visit oldest son and a friend for a week then back up to E'ton/Stony to look at condos again -a couple of new units on the market in the building I want. Last winter was so dreadful I do not want another one this far north.. R and I manage well by distance and he is looking for another job anyway due to the toxicity at this one. I need to move sooner rather than later.

Hope all are well. Yake care of you!

That's "Take" :)

Rosses, I carried lots of guilt, depression, anger into my 40’s before I finally able to let it go. Golden is right, living with your mom makes it much harder. I set very firm boundaries and limited my time around my mom. Counseling helped me tremendously as well. Posting here is a great stress releaser as many of us on this thread can relate well to what you are going through.

Rosses - I can relate in that my mother acts like a victim a lot. When I was a kid, she was a "victim" of my dad, and also she was a victim because she was "only" 30 when she lost her mother. (I always believed this until I lost my dad when I was 32, and didn't have the same kind of response AT ALL. It was sad and I missed him - still do - but I didn't use it as an excuse to be a nasty or tormented person.) Then she was a victim of her father's bullying. Then she was the victim of her sister, her sister's son....and eventually her own son. It STILL didn't twig with me until I started staying with her, and all of a sudden she was playing the victim with ME! That was last fall, right around the time I joined the AC forum and started figuring it all out.

I don't know your situation well enough to say it's the same kind of thing, but in my mom's case.....I can't decide if it's a form of manipulation or if she really sees herself as some kind of tormented victim. Maybe it's both. Definitely it's manipulative, whether she intends it as such or not.

However, we've had a few battles in the time between then and now, and she mostly seems to have put that side of herself away now. I don't know if I can even explain how that went, but I think it was just a lot of out-stubborning her, and even calling her out on it a couple of times. And also knowing myself enough to know that I was not victimizing her in any way, shape, or form, so there was no way I was going to put up with being painted that way. Also I think it helped that - like you - I've been down this road before with my mother, when I was a child....except this time I am not a child and I have lots more skills and confidence in dealing with manipulators than I did as a kid. So instead of being pushed into a corner like I was when I was a kid, I became angry, because I was suddenly seeing my mother for who she is and for the role she'd played in our family dysfunction.....and I also had to accept that I was never going to have the kind of relationship with my mother that I wanted to have. I think I went through processing most of that here on AC!

So no, it's NOT you. That her manipulations are even getting you to question yourself is a sign of how good she is at manipulating! Of course, often no one knows us as well as our own mothers, so who better to know how to push our buttons?

One important thing I discovered in counseling is that I'm responsible for what I do, but I am not responsible for how others feel. Another thing I got - from counseling and from living an independent life, and also from having a stepmother - is a better perspective on what "normal" might look like. So, say, I am responsible for not deliberately hurting my mother, BUT I am also not responsible if her feelings are hurt by me doing normal things that a person might do. If that makes sense. For example, my mother was extremely hurt by the fact that, no, I really DON'T want to be in her company 24/7. But wanting to be around one's mother 24/7 after the age of, I dunno, 3? 4? 5? is NOT normal.

"Normal" might be the wrong word - I don't think anyone can define what "normal" is. But when I use the word, I mean something typical, something an average, healthy person might want or do. Like - going to the movies is normal. Wanting some time off from being a 24/7 caregiver is normal. Expecting your adult child to never leave your side is NOT normal.

You are kind of stuck there, in a place that's not your home. So it's probably even harder to get a picture of "normal" for yourself. But I think what might help is trying to detach from your mother's emotional responses and doing what feels "normal" for you. That means regardless of how she feels or responds. You have to find a way to let her manipulations roll off your back somehow - at least, that's what I've had to do. For me, it's meant sometimes ignoring my mother, sometimes talking over her, and sometimes just calling her out on trying to manipulate me. And above all else, not to get sucked into feeling her emotions along side her. I don't know what that will look like for you, and it's not easy when you first start doing it, either (because GUILT!!!!). I do think you have to find a way for your own sanity, though.

rosses, Google Fear, Obligation and Guilt ( FOG). You'll see what she's doing.

Dorianne, my Mom was personality-disordered, too. Not raging toxic. But wore her childhood and 1st marriage baggage (which also became her 2nd marriage baggage) on her sleeve.

Those around Mom were required to 100% buy into her point-of-view. Done in a “soft” way. Rarely confrontational.

And even more rarely open to new info. Unless Mom was diving headlong into a religious conversion experience. (She had 2 in her lifetime. The 2nd one was a religion she spent most of her life denigrating. But hey, when one is “called”.....)

Over time, conversations with Mom became frustrating. And limiting. She fetishized “normal people.” But her feelings of inferiority were co-mingled with feelings of superiority.

In Mom’s purview, OF COURSE those (seemingly) chipper, organized, ambitious, non-neurotic people have their sh*t together, “because they’ve never [insert trauma here] ...”

Mom wanted me, her only child, to build a better life. Like I said, she wasn’t raging toxic. She understood the natural progression of wanting the next generation to thrive.

A couple of hitches, though.

One, I didn’t learn the tools from my home life. Growing up, I was told many-a-thing to not get trapped in or fall for. But given no direction on what TO DO to not be a neurotic pleaser.

Two, as I found my own way, I became a traitor. Mom never used that word. But shedding my “mirror” role meant just that. As I became a secure, functional adult (which was not a linear or easy path), my gains were — in a sense — Mom’s losses.

It’s not like my relationship with Mom was pure torture. Far from it. She meant well — and I do NOT use that phrase lightly. But there was always an undercurrent.

Sad. I kinda wanted more. But I didn’t know how, either.

And dontcha know, as an adult, I really have to curb my temptation to announce how WEIRD it is that some people my age, oh, still turn to their parents for advice....or go on vacations with their aging parents (AND enjoy it!), etc etc.

Sigh. Let it go, right? Very difficult. But it’s the only way to break free.

Rosses, life now is great!

Can totally relate to many of the posts on here! My mom is the same, as far as wanting someone by her side 24/7. She suffers from mental illness as well as what the neurologist thinks could be Parkinson's or LBD.

She has always been needy and clingy, just has gotten worse with age, and she's not even that old (56)! I've posted on here a few times about this whole crazy situation, and it's a relief to know there are others who identify.

I've told her that the living arrangement here is only temporary until we can get some good home care or AL set up. She can do her ADLs, just mainly needs someone to administer insulin and meds in the morning and evening. She would not be able to do this, as she has a history of non-compliance and abusing the meds.

My challenge is going to be that when the time comes to move her back home with caregiver help, she is not going to want to go. And how to have "the talk" about that. I will still be there too, she just won't be living with me 24/7.

I still struggle with fear and avoidance of confrontation myself, though therapy has helped a lot.

We have never had a normal mother/daughter relationship. Not a lot of arguing or anger, but mainly frustration with me getting overwhelmed and engulfed by her emotionally. Like me the parent, she the child, is how it's been since my teens and early twenties. She literally can't stand to be alone, and I am married with a family. I had distanced myself for a little while when I was pregnant with my youngest, but had to step in to help once she started declining mentally.

Well,
The dreaded “Mother’s Day” and her B-day is coming up soon and I am filled with apprehension as usual. What will my worthless brothers do this year? I am also dreading this month as I am actively looking to place Mom in a “memory care” facility. She is driving me absolutely nuts about this! I tried having “the talk” with her but her advancing dementia means having that same talk over and over at nauseam. Everytime, she is in denial, everytime she starts to “fake cry” and bemoans her cottage and ‘stuff.” Nevermind that she is not safe, nevermind that I am running on fumes, and nevermind I told her before she moved in with husband and I, when she got to a point where she needed constant supervision, I would have to place her somewere. None of this matters now, it’s only her view of denial that is all that she can see. She has lived her life sticking her head in the sand with any unpleasant subject or situation so how could I think her having worsening dementia would change that?
I have an appt in a couple days at a possible facility. Mom is all about appearances so she will be on her best behavior while we are there but I am sure this will worsen everything again when we leave. How I wish my family was “normal” so I had some kind of support during this difficult transition but I have had to do ALL the unpleasantries on my own re Mom thus far, one more major hurdle of being the “bad guy” placing her for her safety will not be appreciated by anyone. She say’s I am “putting her away” like some animal locked in a cage and cannot understand why. She has fallen over and over and over again, hitting her head everytime and me having to deal with getting her to the ER and explain her medical conditions to the doctors and nurses every single time. The stress of this is KILLING ME after 5 years and her last fall where she was hospitalized for 3 days, she has zero recollection of nor any of her prior falls. I gave up my career, been broke, tethered to the house, no health insurance for years, on call 24/7 and in the end, my own health waning, BUT.......I will be “the bad guy” no matter what. If I left her to keep falling, I would be ignoring the seriousness of her deteriorating mind, if I put her in a facility, I will be the cruel, heartless daughter that “put her away.” No win situation except knowing deep in my heart, this IS the right thing to do. It will be excruciating but I must do the right thing regardless.
Caregivers really are the unsung heroes and often the pariah’s in many families, it is a tough pill to swallow but they will never change, only we can change how we deal with the onslaught of negativity. I think many of us keep hoping one day, we will be recognized for all our efforts and sacrifice but I am always reminded this is a pipe dream, I will never be looked upon with understanding from my family.
Those who do nothing, are uninvolved, seem to find it so easy to critique and bad mouth when they never participated for even a day to learn the truth of the parents condition, the daily responsibilities of the caregiver, to them, it’s all about not getting what they feel they are entitled to, usually money. I am so ashamed of my family.
God bless the caregivers for the unrecognized sacrifices they make at their own great expense. Wishing all of you support on the upcoming holiday with your dysfunctional families, put your armor on and hope for no reason to defend yourself.

How am I DOING? How I wish people would ask me that but since my mom moved back in with me...all I ever hear is "How is your mom"....great - driving me crazy but great. What can I to say - that I'm angry, and resentful because my other 2 siblings go on about their lives like nothing is happening and I'm here picking up the slack - being the "responsible" one. They take their vacations etc. when I haven't had a night away in a year? When she won't accept outside help (but she will have to eventually). Frankly I feel like screaming. I'm tired of feeling exhausted, burned - out, not having much of a social life and forget about dating - no privacy. I can't even go run errands after telling her I will be away for quite some time. Nope several hours later I'm getting a call asking what happened to me and she didn't think it took 4 hours to go to the grocery store and wash my car! So what - now she needs a play by play regarding everywhere I need to go? Not like I'm out having a party! So tired of this! Just my rant for the day...thanks for listening. :)

Texasgal,

I see from your profile that your mother is in independent living. Sounds like you need to work on boundaries.

Texasgal, I understand every word. Nobody ever asks “how are YOU holding up?” Minus some of the wonderul people I have met on this website but nobody in my immediate everyday world. Mom asks sometimes but she will forget 10 minutes later and I think she asks just to try and make conversation. Makes you feel invisible, doesn’t it? I am getting to the point where I just want to hide most of the time, that is the only time I feel somewhat relaxed. I find myself being envious of people working at their jobs because it seems like a “normal life” that I miss very much. Jobs are stressful too but you get to “clock out” and put it behind you for the day. Not the case being the solo caregiver. No vacations, no days off, no concern for your well being.

Oh Golden the big move looms. All I can promise is that it won't be fun. I only had six weeks notice and it caused utter chaos. Now we are here there are stacks and stacks of boxes in the basement waiting to be unpacked.
Most of them i did not personally pack so have not idea what has been downsized!!!!
You sound far more organized than me these days and R is not a flake like my DH.

blackhole -the waif narcissist. I hear you about the WEIRD!

frazzled - stay strong. I would recommend AL .

rainey - you will never get any positive recognition, You have to be tough and do what is right and safe for her whether she likes it or not. She needs more care and you need a break.

Texas - you don't have to "please" her - just look after her needs.

cmag - I agree - boundaries.

Veronica - yes. I am going to do it! I have started a list of what to take with me. There will not be a lot of boxes, as no basement - just a little storage area. I don't want to clutter up the new place. The place is about 1100 sq ft and open concept which, to me is harder to place furniture in. There is a similar unit next door so I should be able to buy one of them. Dd says she wants my leather sofa set and also the oak dining room set which looks after some of it. I want to buy the condo, replace the carpet with hardwood flooring, then start moving stuff down leaving, enough here to show the place here for sale. Exciting but also emotional leaving a house with so many years of memories. But it is time. The emotions trigger off the FM pain so it is a bit of a journey. I hope that will settle down as I get into the needed work. I have developed a largely telephone relationship with a lady from that area who (with her hub) has just bought a house very near the condo building. She already has plans for lunches out and window shopping which is nice.

Oh well, better start getting moving today. Maybe I can walk off the FM pain.

Golden, How exciting a new condo. I agree about furniture placement with an open floor plan. I’m still unpacking boxes. My brother is helping me with Mom’s stuff. Jay refers to her as a high class hoarder with good taste.

Texasgal......One time when I needed to get away (while I was living with my mom and dad after his heart attack) I told my dad I was going to run to Walgreens. I didn't need anything but was just going to waste time and schlub around for a little bit of normalcy and happiness. when I told him I would be back in a little bit, he said well.....I think I will go with you. I need aspirin. (WHAT??!!! NOOOO!!!!) I said DAD....you can't take aspirin!!! You're on blood thinners since your heart attack. He said well.....I might need some??? We had been sequestered in the house for a couple of mos except for drs appts or PT and OT visits. He wanted to get out as much as I did....(I can't imagine that since I had had to deal with my mother's dementia and putting her in a facility, little to no sleep, on top of that living away from my husband and not getting to see my brand new grandson. Sister could not help since she was divorced, worked a long full time job and was raising her grandson). WOW....this was suppose to be a funny story and make you laugh about just wanting to go to a Walgreens by myself. Yes, it is so overwhelming and our lives are not our own anymore. My dad will be 96 in Aug. He lives independently (in a retirement facility so at least he's around people but if anything happens it's on me which is about 80% of the time) but needs to be in ASL. I just had "the talk" with him about it and told him to start chewing on it because it's going to happen. I can't keep this up much longer. The driving alone everyday on Central Expwy is a killer. I've taken care of my in-laws until their passing, my mom with dementia until her passing last summer, helped with my sister's health until her passing a few years ago and on top of that our grown divorced son has been living with us with his 2 young sons 3 to 4 days a week for financial reasons. UNCLE.....I'm done. There should be NO guilt involved in "putting them away" (rainey69). They're brains can't understand anything anymore. I learned so much from the almost 8 years mom was in her facility. Start (where your mom is now) to finish. Soon the facility will be their home and all the aides will be who they know. I tried to to decorate mom's room with some things from her precious house that she just possibly couldn't live without (her words). Every time I would go visit (every day at first (shouldn't have, was hard on both of us) something would be out in the hall. I said mom why did you put that there? She said it wasn't her's. Again....WHAT??? you said you couldn't possibly live without that. Ok, I have gotten waaaay off track here. I was going to answer one post and ended up doing therapy on me again! :)) Just to all the caregivers out there.....please don't feel guilty about putting a person with people that are trained to handle difficult situations. I know I was not and never have been trained to be a Therapist, Doctor, or Nurse. I believe that's why we pay these people to help US. If us as caregivers go down then who will take care of the people we are taking care of? I used to think I could do it all. Younger....yes I tried and did a pretty good job. 12 years later??? I'm dwindling and this isn't what I thought my "retirement" years would look like. AT ALL..... Sorry to have rambled on. I guess I needed this. Good luck and may God Bless you all.

Pargirl,
LOL!!! Love your posts, thanks regarding “no guilt” and believe me, I don’t feel guilty, only foolish I ever agreed to this to begin with.
Golden, I am listening, promise! I am steadily working on it 👍
Best wishes on your move! ((((hugs)))) Don’t over do it, from one physically challenged gal to another!

Oh my gosh, I wish I could respond to everyone, but it's midnight and I need to make myself go to bed! So I'll just say that everyone's posts today have been awesome, and thank you!

Golden, good news moving south! Surprisingly enough, the last few emails from my sis have been pleasant. I’m hoping your visit with your sister is the same or at least limited.

I read recently regarding dementia and eyesight. The field of vision becomes smaller and one dimensional because the brain cannot process information well. If you see your loved one reaching up as though grabbing something or touching something above them, they may be trying to turn on or off a light and not hallucinating. When they look at the floor, they can’t see if there is step from the carpet to the bare floor as it is one dimensional. This may be why so many are afraid of bathtubs.....it may look bottomless to them. I found this interesting.