The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

My brother should be on the transplant list by end of the week. On average, a match can be available in 4 months.

Hi everyone. Still on the dysfunctional thread and need advice. Finally hired a person to disburse Mom's meds to her once a day in her senior living apartment and told her it was a free service, just like her cable, heat, and meals (those really are included in her rent). She is fixated on having her pill bottles in her possession but it doesn't work. Me bringing her meds to her everyday doesn't work either, nor does a 7 day pill minder. She is "high functioning" in terms of bathing, dressing, toileting and going down to meals independently - but emotionally she's gone back to the mom I grew up with - unstable, guilt provoking, narcissistic. But my real question is this: I don't have POA but I would like to pay for the med service from her account. I have access to the accounts and would only take out what I pay for the service. As a retired teacher, I honestly don't have the extra $ to pay for it myself and remain comfortable financially. Would love thoughts on this dilemma. Thanks.

Murph, it is entirely appropriate to pay for this essential service using your mother's money. The service is necessary for her wellbeing and exclusively for her benefit. No problem there. Set up a payment direct from your mother's account to the service provider, I should; you want the paper trail.

Where you do have a problem is that you are allowing your fear of your mother's reaction to interfere with your ability to provide the support that she needs. The only reason that the pill minder issue has become a dilemma at all is that you have already told your mother untruthfully that the the medications service was free of charge. And this kind of thing is only going to get worse and more uncomfortable as your mother requires more and more significant interventions.

Your options are:

find a way to tell mother "bite me, I'm doing it anyway" and defy her to prevent you.

apply for guardianship, so that you obviate the need to obtain her consent to actions that are demonstrably for her benefit. I'm not sure, but others will be, whether you can use your mother's money to pay for a guardianship application - my guess is you probably can, as long as it's necessary to her welfare.

Only you know whether the time has come for you to take a stand on who is in charge of mother's welfare. I know it isn't easy.

Apart from the guilt-provoking thing, is there any form of harm she can threaten you or herself with meaningfully?

Ugh. Furthering my belief that most hospital workers do not understand dementia (or geriatric people for that matter), the woman who booked mom's appointment for a swallowing test today JUST phoned and asked if mom could come in early today. She did this 1 hour and 15 minutes before the scheduled appointment.

Um, no.

I do not think any of these people have tried to get a person with dementia out of bed and dressed and out the door before!

I was planning on going out to L.A. from DC, for a medical conference. My mother said she wanted to go. Then after the conference, she would go to San Francisco to visit my brother. While I go to Orange County to spend time again. With a woman I have been talking to, for two years. My mother changed the travel plans.......AGAIN, for the fifth time. She says she is stressed out. Well, It isn't requirement that she go. I don't like change, when it is not me causing it. Her selfishness is getting on my nerves.

Chris, your demented (as in dementia) mother will get nothing out of a medical conference.

Best case scenario: Fly to SF with Mom. Get her settled @ brother’s. Continue alone to L.A. and Orange County. Then connect with Mom at brother’s, and you 2 fly to back DC together.

If that’s too much for either one of you, then don’t bother. A trip that’s doomed from the start is Not Worth Taking.

Mom keeps “changing her mind” because her mind does not work properly. This is different from your Mom’s lifelong selfish, needy, pain-in-the-butt persona. 

Mom (and by extension, you) just won the booby prize, because Mom’s dementia and her personality disorder now co-exist. THIS is why Mom is extra impossible.

Chris, I encourage you to educate yourself about the different forms of dementia. The tricky, hard-to-interpret early symptoms. And the type of support — a.k.a. alternate care — that’s available for Mom as her needs advance.

As the voice of reason in your family, you need to be fully conscious of the NOW and the FUTURE. Fixating only on Mom’s personality disorder will send you down the wrong path.

Trust me, I know how hard it is to accept the reality of a parent’s diminishing capacity. You spend a lifetime perfecting your strategies for “the devil you know,” then the playbook changes.

And other family members are probably more invested in time-worn complaints than the new reality.

Chris, it’s time to get tough and get real. This is not another installment of the same skirmishes you & Mom have been having since Day One. This is MORE.

Countrymouse - you rock. I've been afraid of my mother my whole life! Guardianship is the way to go; and "bite me" is the appropriate response. I needed that from you and appreciate it more than you'll know.

Chris, when my mom had Alzheimer’s, I started treating everything she said and did as though it was Alzheimer’s not her personality disorder. If she lost something, I just said, don’t worry, I do that do. It will sshow up or I would help her look for it. Basically I treated her as somewhat childlike by being compassionate and kind. I found by doing this, she began trusting me, she didn’t irritate me anymore and she calmed down. Of course I wasn’t living with her, but it changed our relationship dramatically.

Hubs is home! He brought me lasagna from my favorite Italian restaurant, almonds and walnuts, and Andersen’s Pea soup in the can and also a couple bags of their dry peas with recipe. The nuts are so much cheaper than here in Idaho.

Blackhole-Finally, My mother is going to Mississippi first. Thankfully, I will not be going, then she will be flying from there to Orange County for the conference. I will be flying from Reagan-National to LAX or Orange County. After the conference ends. She will be flying to San Francisco, I will be taking a shuttle to the apartment of the woman I am going out there to see. Then she will be flying back here from San Francisco, and I will fly back from Orange County.

I definitely agree with you about dementia.

SharynMMarie-I know, 'humor my mother'. Her memory is such. That she will tell me one thing, then walk away. This will happen three, or four times in a row.  Before she has told me everything. When I am at my desk, or sitting on the couch is one thing. But she will also do it when I am in the bathroom with the door shut and locked. She will get mad if I don't respond...even when I am in the bathroom. I could be in the middle of taking a shower, but she will still try to have a conversation through the door.

The dreaded annual visit with my sis and new hub is tonight for dinner and probably tomorrow, visiting mother. The fire hazard a home is extreme, which makes me nervous after 2016. R got let go from his job -just as well it was so toxic and a set up from the start, and also broke off a front tooth -so we are a bit of a mess. Oh well, by this time tomorrow it will all be over. I am so ready to leave the north with the severe winters and fire hazards in the summer. Add in the mosquitos and the June bugs... There is a story that a motorcyclist was hit square in the middle of the forehead by a June bug and knocked clear off his motorcycle. They bite too and take a chunk out of you.
Wish me luck!

Golden have as nice a day tomorrow as you can. And mom's 106th soon isn't it?

Feeling a bit sorry for myself. Last two weekends at son's master graduation and dd#1 award ceremony, state level in her school occupation. Now nephew, one with stroke early last year, graduating with bachelors this week. Party tomorrow at ts1 house. Daughters going. Auntie dearest is there. No thought by my kids that i amy not want to go to ts1. I hate this. I want to spend time with my kids. Every holiday the same damn thing. I wait for invites as I did when my kids were young. My mom never had to wonder if she had plans or where she would be.

I just really do not want to go. Feeling blue first mom's day without mom.😢

Good luck, Golden. I know how I dread family visits, family interaction. It's going fine lately but it's knowing how wrong they COULD go, and remembering times when that happened, that sets me on edge. A visit to family is always good for getting my anxiety up a little. I'm sure everything will go just fine, you'll get through it. Keep up your self care.

Speaking of self care, I'm making that topic more of a focus for me lately. I'm at a nice point post-caregiving. The bills are getting paid, the job has had its ups and downs but is stable enough, I'm on thyroid medication for 3 months and that has helped immeasurably to get me over the hump of my worst fatigue and brain fog. I'm working with personal trainer who is so motivational and I'm getting stronger... slowly. And the opportunity presented itself and I started taking an extra day off from work, down to a 5 day workweek from 6 days for the past 4 months. I have a laundry list of personal projects to get to... or I'll just rest more on my days off. Either way, it's a great spot to find myself in, things are comfortable and I'm able to still consider big-picture things such as... am I making a significant career change and what specifically will that look like? (Old topic for me, but still isn't resolved one way or the other.)

Well, just thought I'd check in with all of you. I still read on AC a few times a week. I still like the idea of going for a career in Elder Care, in position of a case manager or biz dev person, but... then I read on here and think I'm not knowledgeable enough, that I don't gravitate naturally to the industry, it just happens to be something I had to learn about due to life circumstances which are now over.

So... who knows. I'm content for now just finding my feet under me, getting stronger, thinking about the next few years and some things I will want to get accomplished. :-) It's all really good stuff. I'm grateful.

thx glad -106th next weekend,

So understand you not wanting to go. ((((((hugs))))) Wish your kids understood better.

Thinking of all with recent losses -Mother's day is hard.

Aw, Glad, hugs to you. My mom and I often have our different ways of seeing things but I can't imagine her not being around. I sent her a gift certificate to go to a local therapeutic massage school for a massage. I don't think she's ever been for a massage, figured she would enjoy the experience. I'm glad to have her around, even if she drives me batty at times.

Hugs to all of you whose mother's have passed on.  Whether you had a kind, sensible mother, or a dysfunctional one, she was still your mother and there's no replacing that person in our lives, for sure.  (((((hugs)))))

thx ali - have PTSD from sis and mum separately. Yes I will get through it and having the new hub and R there helps enormously.

Sounds like you are doing very well. Taking things as they come.Thyroid meds help hugely I know. Content and getting stronger is great!!!!

Hugs, Ali
Good to hear life is calm

Hugs, glad
What would you have done tomorrow if it was just you and mom?

Even if you can't do it tomorrow then make a plan for yourself for another day - a facial, or massage or manicure and a glass of champagne
A movie and lox and bagels
Rent a convertible and go for a drive

Hope everyone has a calm day tomorrow. Mom loved Mother’s Day with my brother’s. I was never included.

My mom loved convertibles! Two impalas that I remember. One about a 1960, black, used. The other 1966 turquoise. That was the first car that I drove to school. Mom had bought a VW squareback. Maybe a drive in my 4runner with the sun roof open, if it stops raining long enough.

Mom's first car a Studebaker convertible. She was walking into the courthouse to get license plates, forgot to set the parking brake, it started to roll away downhill. Don't remember the end of that story.😝

glad...My Mom Loved Convertibles too .I remember that she had a yellow one she called a Bonnieville and the last one she owned was a Red Cutless Supreme.She loved to have the top down with her hair blowing in the wind and wore great big sunglasses with Rhinestones.She was one "Hot MaMa"~

Lucky, my mom sunglasses, yes, no rhinestones. She wore one of those net bonnets when driving the convertibles. Never a hair out of place.

Didn't there used to be a car model Bonnieville? 

Bonneville - made by Pontiac

Dinner went well. The new hub is a very nice man, and, I think, will moderate my sis. He lost his wife to Alz 3 years ago and did some caregiving. This afternoon we will meet them at the NH and visit with mother, then they will take us out to supper. It was quite a shocker seeing my sis. She has aged about 10 years since we last saw her a year ago. - wrinkles, neck etc. R said 5 years ago she looked younger than me, but now she looks much older (though only 1 year by the calendar). I never saw anything like this in mother or any other family member. It makes me wonder about her health. I hardly think that marriage has done this to her. He does all the cooking and I suspect much more. However, they are happy together which is the main thing. Time will tell. I hope I don't wake up in a year's time looking that much older.

Had a nice compliment from my dd which was phrased discretely (not)
"Not to diss your face, mum, but from behind you look 30 to 40 years younger than you are."

I"ll take it! Some of mother's Norwegian cousins were like that.

Saw the condo, and it has some good features like a nice big open kitchen. The staircase in the lobby to the second floor is awesome. They have cut down some of the trees that would have been seen from the balcony but there are others still on place. I want to find out if they are going to plant more as they hid the road.

Getting through it. Happy Mother's Day everyone!

Happy Mother's Day to All!!!

Everything is going well in my world, busy with yard clean up and spring planting, and of course the ever evolving home renovations!

Hubby and I are going to our Daughters for dinner tonight (it's a Beautiful Day!!!), where all the kids will be contributing to BBQ prep and Fun, and we will all pop up to Mom and Dad's graveside, to place Lilac's from our garden there as a group. It's nice as the cemetery is only a couple of blocks from Dd's home, I often kid her about wanting to stay close to Grandma (her favorite person ever), but in truth, purchasing their home so close to the cemetery was just a coincidence, although wanting to be in that local was not, it was where she grew up, and they are very happy there!

I am finally feeling better (both mentally and physically), about moving on post care giving (its been Ruff!), and want you all to know that I think of you often, and I do try to keep up on the reading here, even if I don't comment often. The dysfunction is pretty much gone now from our lives, buried with the previous generations, even my hubby does not bring it up very often. He has worked very hard at ending the cycle of dysfunction, although I'm sure he is stuffing his feeling's a lot of the time, he's just not one to constantly wish to speak of the past painful stuff, but only remember the good times, and that's alright by me.

Nearly everything of my FIL's belongings are gone in the home, except for a few pictures, and a couple of small piece's of furniture, it does feel nice to have our home be of our own furnishings and decor, (having previously integrated his things into our things, to make him feel comfortable here all those years), and it's made a huge difference not having the constant reminders. They were definitely triggering negative feelings in me, and it's helped me to move forward, not having the constant reminders all around!

After those 13 long years of having my FIL living here with us (he passed away last Oct), it is Amazing the positive changes in my husband. He is now so up beat and happy, energetic and positive, and a real pleasure to be around most of the time (he is still a man, Lol!)! Care giving is definitely the Hardest thing we've ever been through, and to come out the other side (having cared for all 4 of our parent's til death these past 20+years), is incredibly life changing and difficult in it's own way.

Now we are figuring out who we are as individuals, as a couple, as parents to our now grown children and Grandparents too! It's taking a while, remembering that we are no longer accountable to our elder loved ones, and Free to be whom ever we wish to be, to come and go without restrictions, and to plan our lives as we see fit! It his definitely a journey, and the transition has not always smooth and easy!

With the freedom of no longer being responsible for someone else, is such a strange concept, and it would be easy to move forward too quickly, and make poor decisions, so I recommend to anyone in my same shoes, to take your time and really think things through, or risk spending too freely and unwisely, or selling up, and have regret for things later on.

I know that the intensive and harrowing care giving and then the immediate let down that followed losing my FIL led to some serious health concerns and depression for me, so take your time, and do allow your feelings to come, and address them as best you can, as Boy how this journey does affect our lives from so many aspects!

For me, care giving and the loss and grief that came, one right after the next, and the next, never allowed me to fully grieve the loss of the parent who just passed, so I stuffed it, in self preservation mode, to allow me the strength to care for the next ill parent and their immediate needs, so it wasn't until our last parent died, did I really have the chance to address my own health and feelings, and that is not to mention my husband's health and feeling's to boot! In many ways we have had to deal with our feelings on our own, but it is definitely nice to have a partner to lean on!

Hopefully as time goes on (it's only been 6 months), and we really begin to feel better about things, it is my hope and desire to be of some help, and possibly do some volunteer work with our local Senior Services group that has just opened near our home. I think I know best, the areas where I can be of help, one Senior at a time. I'm not quite there yet, but I do feel a calling to be of service in that arena.

So, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to you all! May your day be filled with Fun and Relaxation!!! Remember to take care of yourselves, and know that I am thinking of you all, especially since you've all been so instrumental in my health and happiness all these years! Your help and guidance has been so Helpful to me, THANK YOU ALL, I consider you all my Special Friends!
Love Stace! ❤❤❤
PS: No word from my husband's siblings, but mine are all great, and we still get together often!!!

stacey - good to hear from you and that you are feeling better. Post caregiving is another stage.

Saw mother yesterday and she has deteriorated. Her colour is not as good, and her breathing is more laboured. They do not care for her appearance as well as the last place. She needs a hair trim and it didn't look like anyone had combed her hair. She was wearing a top I have never seen before -wasn't hers and didn't suit her. She cried a lot at different times,so her emotional regulation is not as good which probably is due to more mini strokes/ blood vessel deterioration. However she was her true self and was mean when we left. Sigh!

Had a good supper with sis and new hub. She is taking on some of his qualities which is nice. We talked about pre planning/pre purchasing a funeral for mother which I hope to do this summer. Sis had a TIA in December and is on some meds to prevent another It may be part if what it making her look older. She tires more easily now. It is a wake up call for me to avoid/manage stress better.

Tired today and resting. Tomorrow bright and early I will take the bus south to visit oldest son and return here next weekend, then R and I will drive north again. I need to see my bank and make an offer on the condo.

take care all

Stacey, Nice to hear things are going so well.
Golden, Sounds like your plans are going well. Sorry to hear your Mum has declined. But 106 is so remarkable.

I did my first two LTC Medicaid applications today. Fairly straightforward applications. Did the required checklists. Copied all of the required bank statements, other income and asset stuff. I think Maine makes it easy. Plus, the individuals are definitely in need. No hiding assets. Nothing to hide.

Hi All! Happy Belated Mothers Day to you All!!!. I truly meant to log in last night. I just got busy.

I have a hell of a lot of catching up to do and even if I am not signing in daily I am with you all in spirit and heart.

Golden sorry to hear about your mother during your last visit. I think its great you and your sister gwot together and her happy marriage gives me more hope of seeing myself truely in love being loved and happily married one of these ole days :)!

Glad, there was a Bonneville in the oldsmobile line I believe. Anyways my uncle had one. I am a car lover also. I think the convertibles are bad asses. My grandfather used to have one and oh boy it was nice in the summer with him telling that tale of two blind men fighting back to back
I myself am still hanging in there. Same drama just different day. I often dwell on why I dont come on line as much because this was such a life line for me and still is.
I keep thinking its because I am in a stage of flux. I learned about who my mother and sister is, still learning who I am as I still find it hard to accept somethings. I still want things to be right and I know deep in my heart they will never be with my sister or my mother if she were in her right state of mind. It still hurts to see her dwindle away mentally, it also hurts to see the mean selfish spirit she had come through. Although most of the time she is sweet and pleasant.

It bothers me when she does not eat. Shoot~!!!! everything bothers me. I just went through this spell of not cleaning or mopping dog poop and pee. My mother gets it up sometimes. But no one lays the chucks down after cleaning but me so lots of times there are puddles of pea and it does something to my psyche to see and walk past this in the house. I feel ridiculous when I get to the point that if my twisted can walk past it so can I. I think its part of my complex of being cinderella and the maid. As time has gone on and even now I just cant seem to kick the memories of past sabbatoge from my sister and my mother and what really confuses me is that I allow an underlying question of wheter or not it was all intentional and how deep and twisted it is to treat a person with any kind of malice.

My twisted doesnt look so hot to me lately. I dont think I do either for that matter I think I am looking a little better. My sleep was always poor but with haveing to drink the golyetly and back and forth to the toilet and then sleepless nights before that had me looking really tired. I was feeling like I have to get a grip.

Anyways I have been running into my twisted a lot lately. She looks unsettleds s almost unconsciously a few times when we have past in the street. I am just saying I notice anxiety in her face and she has those skin allergies and asthma where the turmoil shows in her skin.
Anyway I kind of broke down in my therapy session last week about how sad I feel that we dont speak. My reality is accepted. I dont trust her, and I dont really have much left for her in my heart. But goodness, when I see kids, any sibblings together, old young no matter what I wish I had that. I wish we two could take my mother for a walk and things like that.

So Mothers day bought up a lot of sadness for me for a moment. I had been missing my girlfriend who passed also. Because I could share these feelings with her and get good real feedback, a reality check in one way or another. So guess what I dreamt about her. Next day all that was uplifted. It felt so good to be back with her the way we used to be. Anyway what ever and everything we had was in that dream and I woke up feeling happy and so much better after having a good time with her. My dreams come true sometimes, and in this one I was buying a house in NJ which is her state and she was like why you spending so much money. then I had moved and she was stopping by after work then I was going to her job the next day for some function. Anyways its was good.

I think I was a little depressed about my cooking situation. I am so used to baking a chicken, ham, ribs , mac n cheese, collards and sweet potatoes. Easter, mothers day all the holidays its how i show love. It kind of hurt that my son would give me my sister and mother a gift card or something the same on mothers day and then it would bother me that he made no distinction between us in his gifts. Then how my sisters children never acknowledge me on any-day.. So I thought about that. How I tried cover things up when they could not live t=with there mother or allowed where she lived. While my mother is telling them how their mother has abandoned them. I have to let all this go and try and move on past this. its just hard to love so hard and just be ignored and treated like an outcast when I gave so much of my self. I know I may be sounding like a narcissist myself. I never wanted fame or a pedestal all I ever wanted was to see them all happy I think that is why I did see my mother or twisted for who they really were. And with that being my sole purpose, it hurts to see my family the way it is. Not to mention me reliving my little nephew coming downstairs telling me how my sister told his mother and her son not to give me or my mother anything for mothers day and wondering if my sister remembers these things she has said and done.
So I have all these memories. Seems Im the only one. How do i let go and move on!?

OK, so I do have something good to share, I finally put in for my passport. By the time it comes in I will be finished with all my test. (Complete physical) mamo, endo, colo, sono, etc.... get my clean bill of health and as soon as that books hits my mailbox I will be making my reservations to see my son in Korea. It looks like its about to finally happen!

Rays of love peace and happiness to you all!

Well I havent posted for quite a while. Things just start coming to mind as I am posting. I also think maybe i got tired of reliving my own drama, as part of why slowed down posting. But truly I dont think I will ever stop posting here. I apologize if I missed anything I didnt get to far back before I started posting and now I am a tad worn out emotionally.

I extended rays of light and energy towards the happiness , peace and love for us all.

Question, has anyone experienced malabsorption syndrome. A good friend in her med fifties, has that ca gene. she has had many bouts with cancer and still rises. Her latested was colon ca. They have sense resected her intestines but the passage way is so short the food just passes through. She says its getting better but she is losing about 10-pounds a month. They will be stopping everything and start introducing things one by ne.

Then, my neighbor and girlfriend is going through losing her son to stomach ca. He is in another state.

My cousin has had her new chemo therapy IV only once. Every time she goes she needs a transfusion. They were treating her because her blood markers are increasing even though they have not found a new ca.

I am at a loss for words about how ca seems to be on a rampage and how so many young people have been getting diagnosed.