The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Book, about the therapy, You know I started out saying he or she had better be good because I am one of those smart asses.
So each and every session I truly learn something knew that explains a little chip away at something I am going through. I am trying to give my all because I want to get something, some help. its very tiresome becasue I go on the morning after my third striagt 12hr shift, and with these medical apts. It was getting very tiresome and I had let the question of is this really helping me find its way in. I get an aha moment a lot. and I am leaving now to do this assingment expressing to my sister how sad I am and how I would like things to be or something. At first I refused saying she will not read it , and how I really and truly cant see us in anyking of realtionship becuase I have lost my trust and respect. He says for me to say nothing negative. Just how sad I am be vulneralble. Have I ever been vulnerable with my sister things like that.

I have writtien her, hand delivered letters, about us the way things are. She had denied it. I guess I can do this one more time teacher. ?#$%@

Stacey, I’m so happy you are enjoying your home and putting caregiving behind you. It’s so great to go forward again!

Golden, I’m happy to hear everything went well with your sis. It’s sad about the TIA’s. Sounds like she may be following in mom’s footsteps health wise. Your plans to move, getting a condo sound great, getting away from the colder winters.

Glad, you will enjoy your new home and planning your garden, I’m sure you can’t wait!

Duck, I’m glad to hear you are comfortable with therapy. It is hard work and tiring. I always came home and slept 2 hours after a session.

It was good to read the posts regarding Mother’s Day gatherings. No big dramas and just relax.


Hubs made beef stew for dd and me. Dd’s Hubby was working and I worked the am shift.

I’ve made contact with 2 cousins in Ireland via Facebook. I found out the cousin I met and wrote letters to passed away in 2001 from falling down stairs banging her head, she was 43. My 2nd cousin, a female who is much more talkative with me, has 2 children ages 15 and 9. Both are girls and have Aspergers. More proof of a genetic link.

Just hanging out at home today, watering the garden and painting an old wood chair with black chalk paint then I’ll use liming wax on it.

Hope everyone’s week is good with pleasant weather.

duck -so glad the therapy is helping. You got a gift for mother's day? Be thankful. One son did nothing, the other posted good wishes on facebook and dd took me out for lunch. It all Ok.

thx Becky - 106 on May 20. We pretended it was last weekend and I am not sure that she understood even that.

sharyn -sounds like you had a good day yesterday, Great that you connected with your cousins

I am still in a little shock over sis and mother. Sis due to the TIA and more aged appearance. Sis also because I saw her hug mother for the first time. Her new hub is a hugger and it has rubbed off. She is a bit of a chameleon.

It is distressing me quite a lot that mother is as she is now, She was obviously in emotional pain and has taken a step down in all ways. For years now she has always said, "Thank you for coming." as we left. This time she glared and repeated only one word "False, false, false!" She may have had some sort of vascular event progressing her disease further, or it may be due to removing the antipsychotic or a combo of both. I am disappointed that I haven't been informed of the changes and will speak to the community nurse about adjusting meds - maybe more antidepressant or adding the risperdal back in again. I would rather see her sleeping more than in this emotional pain. Then I also need to go through her clothing and weed out what isn't her's.

Talked with sis about funeral arrangements for mother and she feels the simpler the better and I agree. There will be few people interested in going, We will have a cremation and then later inter the ashes with my father's near our old home town down east after a memorial service in our old church - TBA when it works best for everyone.

I hope it is not too much longer for her. Her quality of life is so poor. I need a good cry.

Had a nice supper with oldest son, though I zoned out a few times from fatigue and having my mind on other things. He tends to get into pretty intense conversation. Today I will arrange to meet with a girlfriend. My room reservation got botched, so I will return Sat and to the north a few days later after having written up an offer on the condo. Then meet with the bank a few days later and my counsellor. Too much happening!!!

Have a good day everyone

Golden, would an antidepressant help your mum, or a little increase if she is taking one now. It is hard to see our parents that way. It always tore me up emotionally when my mom was having depression.

sharyn -she is on an antidepressant and may need the dose increased, or another meds added. It is tearing me up emotionally too.

Hey all....just a quick check-in. Not feeling too hot right now. Got a bit of vertigo, ugh. I got it for the first time a couple of years ago, when I went on the Gravitron ride at the midway. Doc says it shook up the crystals in my inner ear. It went away after a couple of weeks, when the crystals settled, but she said it might happen again, and this is why you shouldn't ride thrill rides and roller coasters after 40. At least it's not as bad this time.

Funny you are all talking about convertibles....the local Crime Stoppers just started a raffle this week for a bright yellow 2017 Mustang convertible. (Because OF COURSE a Crime Stoppers prize car would be yellow....good luck not getting caught speeding in that!) Anyway, dad always wanted a Mustang convertible (a red one, but I'm sure he would've sucked it up for a yellow one!), so I bought myself 4 tix. I always think I have no luck at that kind of stuff, so I hardly ever buy tix for anything. But last year a friend of mine won the local Dream Home, so.....only 12,000 tix on the Mustang, fingers crossed for me please! Lol. 

Golden, (((HUGS)))!!!

Golden, I am so sorry to hear about your mother and the emotional turmoil. I feel for you. I am so happy to hear about you and your sister planning things out for you mother. I wish I had that with my sister at least that. She is really looking stressed when I see her. Anyways my heart is with you always. Your words, logic and wisdom have carified my mind or pulled me out many turmoils. I got teary when I read your post. I say go for a good cry. let it out. I have always thought crying is a weakness. and I am so easy to cry. Sometimes it just hits me when I look at my mother and I surprise myself crying in the shower. I do feel better afterwards. I know you a strong and resilient person. I have admired your strength since I came on how you survived and dealt with natural catastrophies deal with your mother's nursing home issues, your concern, love and dedication. So it saddens me when you feel down and juist know that I am here pulling and supporting you in spirit and prayers.

Sharyn, thank you. I have to mention I have always throught your name is pretty. I think its think the spelling. Yes the therapy is a little draining. Its good. My first time so I am going all the way with it. Sorry to hear about your cousins.

Stacey, I will keep your advice in mind as I care for my mother. There are times I break down with that image of my vibrant energetic mother in my head and how even if we were rocky I want her back, I want her forever. Life.

Becky I hope you are recovering from the attacks and courts case ok. I hope things worked out and that woman is under the jail.

Yes my theray is going well. After writing this vulnerable letter to my sister I sought of refused to let my self be vulnerable and give it to her. I realize how she and my mother are well aware of my weaknesses and have been playing me like a violin for a long time. As much as I long for what I thought we had I know that is not possible. My sister has whatever it is my mother had and she is prone to acting strange when she gets stressed. It does bother me to see her looking like she is stress though. Maybe the reality about my mother is sinking in. I cried like a baby many years ago when i saw the first deterioration in my mother. But my own psychosis wont let me play her fool anymore.

Im off line for a few days. I am a little overwhelmed between taking these extra shifts and medical appointments. I keep missing a call from radiology. I know the woman did a repeat of the pelvic sonogram of course they cant say anything but I asked anyway she says another view of a fibroid. I guess the other test were okay. I havent heard from anyone or gotten any letters (yet). My annual physical will be in a few weeks. I am just plain old tired of just about any and everything about now.

Also let me share, I got a text about how cold water is not good for us. We should drink tepid or warm water. and OHHHH how I love my iced water day and night. It casues constriction of the blood vessels, thus affecting heart and blood pressuree, digestion. I also read how Papaya seeds are good for us in many ways, So I went and got one today. I love the taste of the seeds, they say to start slow with a few seeds a week and increase but not to much as the seeds have small amount of cyanide , as most fruit seeds do. They have the taste of the green hot paste, I cant think wasabi? only not the heat. Maybe a little,



Well, rays of love light and peace to you all.

I also got this in a text.
Hugging is good medicine. it transfers energy and gives an emotional lift. You need 4 hugs per day for survival. 8 for maintenance and 12 for growth. Hugging is a great form of communication because it can say things you dont always have the words for. The nicest thing about a hug is that you cant give one without getting one.

I must add a smile comes with the package!!!! :)

Dorianne, I once won a can of garden peas in a bran tub lucky dip. I was twelve, you can imagine how thrilled I was. So - never say never!

See also Joyce Grenfell's sketch about Mrs Moss, the raffle and the rabbit.

Dori, fingers crossed! I always wanted a mustang too.

Dori, I had a baby blue 1968 Pontiac GTO convertible in college. It was fun, but I did get a speeding ticket.

Thx sharyn and duck

Good lick Dori

I want a marigold yellow sports car -Jaguar maybe. though they probably aren't made in yellow.

Thought the shower this morning might work, but it didn't. Haven't had that big cry yet.

Had lunch with my girlfriend yesterday and that was another shocker. She has aged a lot too. She has always been heavy, with short periods of losing weight but not being able to keep it off. 2 stomach procedures and various diets haven't done it. I think it is telling on her health and certainly is on her appearance. Maybe I will wake up next year looking 10 years older...

The good news is that, finally, my oldest son has landed a job after a big hiatus. He has another offer dangling so will wait to see what happens there. I am happy for him.

It has been good to get away and see family and friend again. When I return I have to put on my big girl panties and prepare for the move. I am focussing on the benefits of better weather, a smaller place requiring less care, proximity to a large city and some new/renewed friends. Did anyone say shopping"? I look forward to it all.

Meanwhile my heart is heavy for mother. Waiting for a call from the community worker regarding mother's meds. Surely there is something that can be done. She is miserable.

Got a call back from the community social worker. The difference they have noticed is that mother is less interested in eating and she is sleeping more. They let her sleep in as much as possible,and then feed her breakfast later and sometimes she isn't interested, However, I have not yet seen any weight loss.

Nonetheless, this is a sign that we are nearing the end of the "long goodbye". How near is anyone's guess. The condo will come in handy.

I mentioned the agitation and change in personality, so the doctor will see her and review meds next week. I hope they can help her.

DDDuck, correct about the cold water. The Chinese seem to have known this for centuries. I always wondered why when eating out in a restaurant with associates, the bosses would request for hot green tea. When my dad was still normal and into health craze without using the computer, he told about the benefits of not drinking cold drinks. Except like me, he continued to drink cold water. ... a lot of times, when something happens, I can hear his voice telling him me about apple cider vinegar, omega 3s, colloidal silvers, etc...
He was a fountain of knowledge on alternative healings and gladly shared it with everyone... sigh... The hospital doctor thought my dad was a doctor, too...

Golden, your description of your mom reminds me of my mom. At the time, I didn’t realize it was towards the end. {{{HUGS}}}

I’m only in my early 50’s, but I still get shocked when I see how much people have aged. When I mentioned to an aunty that I was 5 yrs younger than deceased cousin, she couldn’t believe it. I still can’t see why people think I look like a teenager with my gray hair. I think it runs in the family. When my 1st cousin died, I saw my relatives. My blood kins still look young. Their spouses have aged accordingly. That’s when I realized our youthful genes are from my mom’s side of the family... But stress, illnesses, lifestyles can age us. Caregiving gave me lots of gray hair prematurely!

thx book. I don't think mother's passing is imminent, but you never know, and I know you are never prepared when it does come. I strongly suspect that 106 will be her last birthday,

We have the youth gene on mother's side too, though there were a few very long lived in my father's side too.

Dd looked it up and said that 1/3 of longevity is genes and 2/3 is lifestyle. Caregiving sure doesn't help and you did it so intensely for so long.

Caregiving + dysfunction = rapid aging . The good news is that once I started
taking better care of myself and put some stronger boundaries in between
myself and all the dysfunctional craziness, I started to both feel and look better.

Solid self care and boundaries are where it's at. Wish I'd gotten on board sooner.

Book, I agree with golden. You were in the trenches of caregiving for so long I would be more surprised if your hair weren't gray. HA! Made me think of someone I dated for a very short period of time in high school. He was practically bald, at 17. That was before kids started shaving their heads. 😝

Golden, you may be right, you probably are. Though, on the other hand didn't you think two years ago would be mom's last? I can't believe how she just keeps going. Thinking of you and an exciting move for you! Happy to hear son found work. It is very hard once we get to be in our 50's and older. I am so happy to be working, in a much smaller town, don't miss shopping one little bit.

Finally got HOA approval today for new house. So maybe concrete basement by end of month. Even better than a hole in the ground. It is raining, pouring, thundering, hopefully not getting too wet to dig that hole. We are under a flood watch.

I am not posting much but read every day. You all have not been very communicative for the last week or so. Come on, there has got to be more dysfunction going on!

I felt hurt when fave niece decided to marry and I was not included as someone to help share with her in choosing her wedding dress, despite her yearly "happy mother's day" texts... Family background. When fave sis had her 2 daughters, she obviously showed her favoritism to her younger daughter. The older daughter kept trying and trying to get her mom's attention. Instead, sis would scream and yell at her. Only when I found this site, I realized that her younger daughter was the golden child. She can do no wrong. And if she did, her older sister got punished for it. Anyway, at the time her girls were toddlers growing up, sis always showed her favoritism to the younger daughter (nurse niece). So, I stepped in and was there for the older daughter (fave niece). So, younger daughter and I were never really close. She didn't like reading books. She didn't like fantasy movies (Lord of the Ring, Narnia) and space movies (Star Wars, etc..) Yet, older daughter and I shared a lot in common... Yet, when older daughter (fave niece) got married, I was hurt that she didn't invite me to help her choose her dress.

Today, fave sis, nurse niece and her 2 young daughters & I went jewelry shopping. I went to my favorite jewelry store that I bring all my off-island siblings and in-laws when they visit home. Last year, baby sis made me realize that this store gives discount on top of the discount because I bring them customers throughout the years. 

Today, nurse niece put in layaway her wedding ring. It was $6000-some. Because she was with me, the discount on top of the discount - ended up with about $4500.00. And he even threw in the groom's matching wedding band. Niece was so happy.... Plus fave sis and I bought 4 sets of necklace/pendants + earrings for total of $930.00 (original discount was $1030.00.) But, because I've been bringing so many people to their store for over 20 years, they gave a discount on top of the discount. Sis is bringing 2 sets of the necklace + earrings for her grandkids who moved to Texas. These jewelry are island-style pendants with bamboo trimming (for girls) and a fish hook (for boy)= with coconut tree inside, sail boat on the ocean.

Then, we had lunch at a hotel restaurant. Then... I'm so touched. We went to help nurse niece choose a wedding dress! The first dress she liked. But I didn't care for it. It was too plain. Sweetheart neckline, tapered to her upper waist, and A-line flowed bottom gown. But, I remembered watching Say Yes to the Dress and how irritated I was that no one cared that the bride liked the first dress. So, I felt bad. I asked niece that since she likes the 1st dress, can ... can we do something to the very bland (non-existent if you ask me!) belt? So, niece asked if she can try the dress again, and can we change the belt? Ohhhhh... what a difference a glittery front belt makes! I gasped. I couldn't believe how much that plain dress became so beautiful! The glittery belt also made the tiny glitters of the bottom gown pop out more. We put on the veil with tiny glittery beading on the edge. Perfect! And we got all of it for only $600-some!... I'm invited to the wedding!!! =)

dori - sorry, Good LUCK!

bettina - Solid self care and boundaries - amen to that. Glad you did get on when you did.

glad - Thx for the reminder. I remember thinking mother would not reach her 104th birthday and here she is at 106. However, her colour is not as good and her breathing is a little laboured, and that combined with decreased appetite says to me she has seriously declined. Nonetheless, she ate her ice cream treat very readily and asked for more, so the appetite is not entirely gone. So happy for you that the HOA approval came through. Exciting!!! I know there is lots of dysfunction going on!

book - family stuff - ugh!!! That was a great discount for bringing in customers. I have to weed out my jewellery drastically for moving. A lot of it is costume and just sits in the chest. Glad you got to help with the wedding dress - fun!

Thinking about my sis. I sent her and her hub an update about mother. I suspect I will eventually get it in the neck from her no matter what I do or don't do. She supported mother in not taking her antipsychotic a few years ago, which made a difficult situation more difficult, so I didn't get specific but just said that the dr would try to help level out mother's emotions. Sis is putting on a good act for her new hub - this newfound "warmth". I have no illusions that it is any kind of change in her, but it does make being around her easier. Her pattern is to be very nice to me to suck me in, then suddenly turn and strike. She can be extraordinarily nasty.

Said goodbye to son yesterday. He looks more relaxed now that he has a job offer. 😊 I miss him and being closer will be good. R, on the other hand, is suffering from his lack of work.

Wrestling with a bit of teary-ness - wish I could have a good meltdown and get it over and done with. I have booked a late check out here as the bus doesn't leave till 4. It is a VERY basic motel, but cheap, clean and the staff are very pleasant and helpful. The location is near my son's and there are good restaurants closeby, so I may come here again. It will be good to get back to my home from home, the evac hotel, and then back home in a few days. I am tired but holding up.

Take care fo you all -

(((((golden)))))

Well....I am still not well, mom started throwing up (all over the bed) Thursday, and wouldn't even wake up to take her pills that evening, and she is now in the hospital. The ER doc said the xray showed "a bit of pneumonia on one side" but I don't think it's too serious. Basically when I picked mom up from dialysis Friday, the nurse who brought her out to me asked if I could manage on my own while I was sick. Well, I couldn't even get mom into the car on my own. She'd fallen twice in the morning and I could barely pick her up, and I kept thinking about how quickly the apartment had fallen into chaos since I got sick (I could barely keep up on the laundry - everything is washed, but it's still all unfolded in 4 baskets on the dining table....everything else is kind of a mess). So I said no. The nurse said to take mom to the ER. So that's what I did. I think the doc was looking for things just to give me a break to get better!

I got home at 2 AM and I slept for 11 hours. I just got up. The "outpatient coordinator" or whatever she's called tried to phone me at 9:30, but I didn't even answer. (I just looked at the phone and thought, "Give me a break, I haven't even had a chance to get 8 hours sleep.")  She just phoned again to start "preparing" for mom's discharge. I'm like....urgh. I can't even think about that right now. I just told her flat out, I'm sick and I can't care for her yet. I'm hoping they keep her till Tuesday at least. Monday after dialysis seems more likely. Hopefully not tomorrow! The lady I talked to said the doc would go see her tomorrow, but we'll see what he says. The ER nurse and doctor were pretty sympathetic to me, so I think they'll try to keep her at least a few days.

We wound up waiting 8 hours to see a doctor! It was pretty busy, but part of me also wonders if they were keeping me waiting to see how serious I was about not bringing her home yet. I almost gave up a few times - the chairs were awful, I could barely keep my head up, and mom was getting antsy and difficult. But oddly enough, the longer I had to wait, the more stubborn I felt about it. The good thing is, I'm a musician and I can make myself stay up quite late if I have to - I've had plenty of gigs where I don't even get home till 4 or 5 AM. They had no idea who they were dealing with, lol.

Thinking of you Golden. ((hugs))

Dori I hope they keep her,, get your rest! I know what you mean about the waits at the ER . I work in a large hospital, and fell in a pts room this week ( tangled up in IV tubing during an emergency) even for me , an employee,, the wait would have been 14 HOURS !! I was told to go home and go to an Urgent Care, or come to Onc Health in the morning.. I chose to come back!
And book..you are a great Aunt! to share that discount

pam - That's crazy! I have to say, the longest I've ever waited in our ER is 9 hours, but it felt longer because I was in agony with a kidney stone and throwing up from an infection.

What made me kind of mad at one point is....a couple of prison guards brought in a red jump-suited prisoner, whose face looked pretty beaten up....and they got in in under an hour! Ok, criminals have a right to health care, too....but seriously, he's in jail for a crime, he got in a fight, and he gets in 8x faster than my geriatric mom who's paid decades worth of taxes for her health care???? That was when I settled my butt permanently in the chair and said to myself, "Mom is NOT coming home tonight." Lol!

I will tell you a tip.. claim chest pain.. Broke your fingernail,, chest pain,, you get it. I could not do this as I work in an inner city hospital, and my fall was witnessed.. and I really did feel OK, just sore. Mostly I just wanted to go home for the night..LOL
I do know what you mean,, once I took my BFFs hubs to our hospital for a follow up,, and some lovely Saudi prince was wheeled in with his bodyguards,, We were on outpatient so not an emergency for the prince.. but after 3 hours Our apt got cancelled/rescheduled because of this. Sort of left a bad feeling ... we drove over an hour, and he's a veteran .. but we got bumped....

Thanks Pam, I'll remember that.

I've read a few posts on here where people just said, "There's no one at home to take care of my loved one." I think if they try to release mom tomorrow, I am going to say that. "There's no one capable of taking care of her at home until I'm better."  Or just, "I can't take care of her and there's no one else."  She's palliative with renal failure, she has dementia, and she can't walk more than a few steps.  She cannot look after herself on her own, period.

I know I am a little better, BUT....I just took a shower and when I bent over to wrap the towel around my head....yep, still dizzy. How am I supposed to change mom's bed, change her Depends, transfer her to her wheelchair, pick her up when she falls, etc., if I can't even bend over a little bit?

Dori UNSAFE DISCHARGE.

Dori, my husband is a Convertible car Nut, and we've always had one or another during our 34 years together, several Mustang's, a Jeep Wrangler (mine), and we once had a 1966 Pontiac Bonneville Convertible, Which my husband bought off the side of the road for 400 bucks, rusty, tattered top, but New engine and transmission, but he had to have it, and had every intention of restoring to her original condition, and that he did, but not before having to build a 2 car garage for it in the backyard of our first house.

Now That car was a beast at 22 feet long! It took 4 parts cars to get all of the Chrome pieces and interior parts, all of which had to be reupholstered and
re-chromed! He painted it a beautiful robins egg blue, not an original color, but Man did it ever get the looks and hollers! We enjoyed the heck out of that car, but he ultimately sold it, so that we could house my FIL's car, a 78 Cadillac Convertible, when he moved in with us, as we also had a 79 Corvette Convertible that we bought when we got married and still own, and didn't have the room for all 3. I Loved that big car, it was like driving a boat, while sitting on a big comfortable couch! Good luck in the drawing!

CM, Lol, I doubt many people have ever heard of a Lucky Dip! I only know because my Welsh Mom used to speak of them from her childhood, at the community functions or the like. I recall her calling them the Penny Lucky Dip, although perhaps that was just a sign of the era she was from, the 30's. I think they call them grab bags here, but didn't you have to reach into a barrel or something? My Mom had a great memory and childhood, despite the war and being very poor, like everyone else. She shared many stories from her youth with us, and interestingly, I am the one who remembers all her tales, my sisters don't recall sh#t! All the little ditty's she used to sing, they can't remember any of them, until I start singing them, it's nuts, and they don't have dementia, yet!

Golden, I'm so sorry that you are having difficulties with your Mum! I'm sure that seeing her deterioration year to year is very difficult, but she is probability quite happy most of the time! You girls may be triggering that little bit of memory she has left, and she's sad to see you go, or perhaps she has regrets, that she cannot quite capture and voice. Dementia is such a sad disease, and your Mum's advanced age (106 Wow!) has certainty outlived her brain capacity. I pray that God is merciful, and brings her home soon. She is definitely an anomaly, as kids in their 80's shouldn't still be caring for their parent's, krimminy! My thoughts are with you Sweetie, and I'm very excited to hear about your Condo plans, I hope everything works out for you two!

Hello to everyone, hope you are all enjoying the Springtime, and got to see a bit of the Royal Wedding today, What a magnificent extravaganza to be sure! I was up watching it in the middle of the night, and then had some crazy vivid dreams about it when I finally fell asleep early this morning. Nothing like transporting yourself into that luxury, and then waking back up into mediocracy! Lol!

Dori, sorry to hear about your illness, and now that of your Moms! Definitely claim that she is an Unsafe Discharge, and a vulnerable adult with no caregiver at home until you are feeling Much better! Perhaps you can have her placed for a short stay in rehab, call it Respite, as it sounds like you really need it! You definitely have my prayer's in the Winning of that Mustang Convertible, you Truly Deserve It!

Glad, so excited for you, now that things are picking up on the building of your new home! I am really enjoying our private chats on FB messenger, hearing all about the house plans and the choosing of your interiors! Save me a spot in one of the guest rooms when it is all complete, as I would Love to see it (and you too of course), when it is All Done!

Hiya Sharyn, hope all is going well with your new home and gardening!

Love to All!