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So I went to the hospital to take mom a few things (robe, toothbrush, glasses, etc) and magazines. She is on a medical ward, but luckily has a little corner "room" with 3 and 1/2 walls, a curtain, and no roommates or neighbours, which is close to what she'd want if she actually had the choice.  (Would be better with 4 walls and a door, but it will do.) I didn't stay because I don't know if I'm contagious and there are SO MANY vulnerable elderly people on that ward! (The ward is just called "medical" - I don't even know what that means.)

I FELT SO GUILTY THOUGH!!!! Mom was breathing shallow, she said it was the shock. And her eyes were huge. I reassured her I was NOT abandoning her. And then the nurses were all frowny and I felt like they were judging me.

So this is my fear. I feel like I NEED to say it's an unsafe discharge. I am so dizzy, I still don't think I should be driving. I can't bend forward. I can't see my doctor, or any doctor, till Tuesday at the earliest, because it's a long weekend - unless I go through another 8 hours at the ER. I can't even bear the thought - nevermind that it's not really an emergency on my part.  Mom's already fallen once today, apparently.  What if that happened at home?  She fell twice yesterday.  If I try to pick her up and I fall too, then what? 

But then I'm afraid if I say I can't look after her, someone will come along and take guardianship of her. Is that a thing? Does that ever happen? I don't want to have to deal with all of that! It would be a total nightmare. I don't want her to end up in a home or have other people making decisions about her care.  I've been a good caregiver, I just need a break to get better!

And yeah, because it's a long weekend, I can't even get in touch with the social worker or anybody about respite or anything like that.  So if they try to discharge her tomorrow, I either bring her home or refuse. And then what? If there is a problem, I can't do anything about ANYTHING till Tuesday at the earliest.
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Dori, if you are ill you cannot take care of mom. Ask for respite until you are better. They will not, or should not, attempt to gain guardianship because you are sick. Could those thoughts be because you are searching for a reason to give in and bring her home in spite of you knowing you cannot take care of her?
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That's a fair question, glad, but I don't think so. I would've given up during that heinous wait in the ER if that were the case. I just want to make sure mom stays in my care, and I've not been down this road before, of admitting I can't do it, even temporarily. I don't really know what to expect.
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Dori, just try to get some rest. The stress you are feeling from this situation is not helping you to get better. Turn off your brain, turn on some relaxing music and just try to zone out. The more rest you get the sooner you will feel better. Don't you wish the brain had a switch? I sure did many times. Probably would have used that switch more on my mom than I would have for myself.😉
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Dori, for now, you know that they are keeping her at least for tonight, despite what the Nurses feel or say. Go home, get as much rest as you possibly can, and deal with tomorrow as it comes. It Is hard to turn off your brain, try some Tylenol PM, that ought to knock you out for a good 8 hours or so. Deal with the rest, After some rest. The hospital will take good care of Mom for one more night, NO GUILT!!! It will all work out in the wash!
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Dori-(HUG) it's going to be okay. Maybe tomorrow Dr. will say she needs to stay a couple of days longer. Try and wait and see before you get even more stressed.
Don't worry about people judging.People are always going to judge when they are unfamiliar with a situation. You are and have been a very good caregiver.
No one's judging here. We support what you need to do, and we all want you to get better. But wait and see what Dr. says, and then go from there.
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Dori, I’m so sorry that you are feeling bad and that your mom is in the hospital. Pam is right - you want a hospital overnight tell them you have chest pain, maybe a little left arm pain. They always buy that in the ER. Take care and get well.
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Hugs, dori

Tomorrow is Sunday - let the answering machine screen the calls
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Thanks you guys.....

This is what my anxiety looks like. *sigh*

I am heading to bed. Sort of fell asleep on the couch awhile ago, re-binging the last season of Westworld. Which is a surprise, because it's one of those shows where trying to catch all the clues fascinates me, even on the re-watch. I guess I am still pretty sick then. Blech.
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Dori, I've been on both sides of the aisle. I was really sick - severe stomach pains, dizziness, weakness, couldn't bend over bedridden mom because it made the pains worse. And I was finally able to change mom's pamper - an hour later. What usually took me 20 minutes, took me an hour. I had to keep stopping to work thru the pain, exhaustion, etc...

And then there was the times dad ended up hospitalized. I stayed home after work and in the weekends. I only visited dad for about 10 minutes. Couldn't stay too long because he was verbally abusive to me when he's in the hospital. I felt guilty that I stayed home while he was in the hospital. I think you really do need to stay home and try to rest. Your body - physically, mentally, and emotionally seems to be crashing.

I think it's very important that you try to catch your mom's doctor who's visiting her while in the hospital. That is the doctor who will help to release your mom in 3 days (most insurance prefer you don't stay longer than 3 days) or send her to respite place so that you can have respite.

OR, go and find the hospital's social worker. The social worker helped soooo much when my mom and dad were hospitalized. She knew who to contact for wheelchairs, hospital beds, etc... I think every hospital has a social worker. I'm not sure what they're called in your area, though.

P.S.... when I went to the ER, I wrote down on the log sheet on reasons for visit: lower left abdominal pain... The man with the bleeding finger who came in after me was seen first. Then I was bumped up on the list after him. I heard a lot of grumbling from those on the waiting room on why I had to be seen before them - who was there for hours....
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I was just posting a message on Dori's wall. I was staring at the HUG avatars. Wouldn't it be great if the AC people can come up with an avatar that has a cartoon figure or an animal snoozing with the 'zzzzz' written around it? Then we can send exhausted caregivers this Sleeping Hug that we wish they would get the zzzzs (sleeps)????
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Book, that is a great idea! So great in fact I am copying it and posting to the new website comment page. If you have not seen it.....
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/All-members-are-invited-to-try-the-new-AgingCare-438344.htm
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Dori, if you were feeling any negative vibes from the nurses it wasn't because they thought you should take her home - at least not directly. In my experiences with hospitals through the years I know they try extra hard to send everyone home on holidays because they are not immune to staffing issues that inevitably crop up (the holiday flu). Not your fault, not your problem.
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Thanks again everyone.....

I just phoned the nurses station to check in on mom and they said she's about the same. They didn't tell me when she's being discharged and I didn't ask! I told them that I'm too sick to drive to visit mom today, so to tell her I love her and miss her and that I taped the royal wedding for her.  (She'll like hearing that, because it will confirm that I'm bringing her home eventually!) 

I actually do miss her! I was missing her last night. Maybe it's partly because I'm at her place. I slept 9 hours after I went to bed. Best guy friend asked me last night if I wanted to go out for Indian food this evening, since I'm actually able to go out on buffet night, but I'm not sure I'm up to stuffing my face. He said he'd phone at 4 and see how I feel.

book - We are on public health here in Canada, so no insurance organizations to worry about. But it's also why it's harder to get services sometimes, as the resources are finite and prioritized based on need (and how hard you agitate). And yes I'm in regular touch with the renal unit social worker - it's just that it's a long weekend here (Victoria Day tomorrow), so I can't talk to her until Tuesday.

cwillie - I think the long weekend is contributing to my guilt about it, too! I'd hate to be thought of as a person who wanted her mother out of the way so I could "enjoy" the long weekend. It's sunny and warm, but so far, I've only left the apartment to take mom her things! Probably the most I'll get up to today is running the robot vacuum and sitting in front of the TV folding the 4 baskets of laundry I haven't been able to get to folding....
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Dori, relax and rest. Most of us have experienced not being able to caregive due to illness. I went 6 weeks because of sciatica. I couldn’t sit or stand, it was so painful. Your mom is in good hands at the hospital.
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dori - I think your mum is fine. Sharyn and the others are right. Take care of you.

Mother's 106th today, and I am in the hotel with a milder version of what Dori has, I think - some dizziness and gut upset. It started in the bus depot yesterday with feeling very tired, then gut rumblings. What do you do when you have too much luggage to make a dash for the ladies room? It passed by the time to line up for the security inspection. Then I had another wave, and felt very woozy when I heaved my luggage, so I took an imodium and felt fine the rest of the day. However, this morning was another matter, and there was no way I could go anywhere. Slept and feel better this evening.

Sis's hub sent a pic of mother who is now looking and acting like her old self, was able to hold a glass of milk and drink it, have a little conversation, and enjoy their visit. He said it was a good improvement, so I am wondering if they started the risperidone already. It so helps her BPD.

Appointment tomorrow to view the condo again and write up an offer. Back home the next day. It has been very good for me to get away. I highly recommend it.
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Dori - hope you are getting better and your mum is doing as well as possible.

Saw the condo again and, this time, realised it was owned by smokers and frankly, it stinks. Maybe my sinuses were stuffed last time. Other than that it is OK. R did a quick estimate of what it would cost to replace carpet, repaint walls and ceiling, wash down cupboards etc to get rid of the smoke and toxins. It is like home 2 years ago all over again. With the renos it would be a nice unit. I think I will write up an offer tomorrow, but much lower than I would have to take into account the renos that are needed. If smokers want it, they would be happy as it is.

Tired, gut still a little off. We will stay one more day as R has things to do and I will rebook my appointment with the bank to give me time to rest up from the trip back.

No more news from mother. I will take it that no news is good news.

I should add that my head feels like it is filled with cotton wool. Not the best time to be making big decisions.

Take care all.
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Hey golden - how are YOU doing today? I hope you get a good deal on that unit!

I am feeling a TON better today. I can't even believe it. If you'd asked me last night I would've said I'm still just as dizzy as ever - I was starting to worry about my blood pressure and everything that goes along with that! But I feel fine today. No dizziness at all. I guess I just really needed a proper rest!

I just phoned about when they're discharging mom. Apparently the doc was in this morning and there are no notes about discharge yet. Maybe he is waiting for me? Or maybe waiting till the renal social worker is back at work tomorrow. Anyway. I am going to go visit her when she's done dialysis. I really miss her!

Edit:  I'm going to go out now and return a Bissel "multi-surface" wet-dry cleaner I bought the other day.  Don't make expensive purchases when you're sick!  I just wanted a vacuum.  I think for the price I paid, I could return this dumb, complicated thing and get a good vacuum AND a steam mop for the hard floors.  (DON'T ever install dark laminate floors!  They show every speck within hours of cleaning and look so, so, so gross when they're not perfect!) 
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Golden you could include in your offer that the seller has to get rid of the smoke but R will know what to do he sounds like a very resourceful guy. Keep getting better
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dori - glad you are better and thx for the tip about the floors and that you are returning the cleaner, Definitely don't make big purchases when you are sick.

veronica - good idea but I doubt that would fly.

Apparently smoking can lower the value of a home up to 30% and getting rid of third hand smoke, which is very toxic, is not easy. The more I think about it, the more I think this is not the unit I want. So the decision has been made - it is not a go.

The right one will come along at some point. Meanwhile we will declutter and ready the house for sale. Lots of work there yet.
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When hubby was sick earlier this year was acting very spacey and odd he had to see the urologist. I suggested to the urologist that DH might have a UTI and that was why DH was acting spacey. Urologist said no way that there was no connection to UTI and the brain. So I called later in the day to insist that DH be tested for a UTI and the nurse yelled at me and said there was no connection.
So we went to DH primary doc and he did a UTI test rt away and found he had a UTI. So DH took meds for it and got a lot better. Urologist was wrong and had never heard of a UTI causing spaciness. Go figure.
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Well, I went to see mom. The entire left side of her lower lip is red and purple and swollen. Why? She's been chewing on it, she says. Why? She was panicking, she says.

Also her blood pressure was through the roof, which means they want to give her an extra dialysis run on Saturday.

Also today she lost her nice private area with the big window, to someone whose death is "imminent" and who has a large family coming (so they need the space). Back to one wall, three curtains, and a view of the bathroom. Ugh.

Not a good situation.

They won't discharge her until I talk to the renal social worker tomorrow and make sure I "have a plan." But there's no way I'm NOT bringing her home tomorrow. I can't leave her there self-harming out of terror.

I AM better. Not perfect, but better. Hoping I can figure out a decent plan with the social worker tomorrow, at least for the NEXT time I'm sick.  I'm not sure more home support is the answer....sometimes I just find it sooooo stressful having strange people coming in throughout the day. I have to wonder if part of what got me run down is just being an introvert with no privacy....
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Happy Birthday Ma!! Today was my mothers birthday she turned 82. First time I have ever missed being with her on her birthday. I was feeling really bad, when I woke to go to work on Sunday I truly started to call in but then I know how hard it is to get replacements and it would have been the first time I ever called in sick. I woke with a terrible headahe and aches and pains in my back and stomach. no fever but flu like symptoms, my eyeballs ached. then as I forced myself up I realize the signs that it was a severe case of gas. He hurt my stomach and head to walk. I made it to work but upon the end of my shift at 7 this morning I just knew I could not handle the walk to the bus then the train and then home then back again. I asked client's mom if I could stay the day. she says no problem. I felt so much better but I missed my mothers birthday.Client's mother said next time dont call just leave a note. she says I sounded miserable. Something in my head kept saying learn to look out for yourself. Look out for yourself for a change. I felt bad and then also that I bring my mother breakfast in the morning and dinner before I leave. It wwould have been nice to be able to notify my sister and say I wont be in. but then It would havse been useless as she would not readf or automatically delete. she always denies anycontact I try to make. She claims I do nothing and I suspect when I go to visit my son she is going to get a reality check. She is in charge of her care and does not see a need for a homeattendant. I was looking into memory care and a adult day centers before I learned I was blocked for her care. And its very hard cleaning up behind my mother the things she does. I have to get a fridge on my floor. Friday I came home to a pan of raw meet on the floor for the dog and poop in the living room.

When I left the house Sunday, I was greatful my mother was not downstairs so I didnt have to lift microwave off fridge and heat her meal. I was into much pain to go upstairs and see if she was up there. All the locks were on and my sister and nephew always take her and say nothing. I called out for her before I left and felt okay leaving.
God Bless you Ma on your birthday.

Golden, my goodness that is such a blessing, your mother is 103. God Bless her.

Hey Dori, Sorry to hear about your mother. Hope she recovers soon and I hope its not to late to wish you luck on that raffle. My girlfriend had a yellow camaro

I hope all are well, with each burp or pass of gas I feel a little better.

Rays of light love and peace to all
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Dori, it would be stressful having people coming in your home. I know I need my down time as an introvert or I get grumpy. I can see how it could wear you down setting one up more easily for illness.

Golden, passing on the condo with cigarette smoke is a good call. The smell penetrates everything including wood furniture. A heating/AC company told us the exposure to second smoke continues for years because it gets trapped in the ventilation system.

Duck, happy birthday to your mom! I hope you feel better soon. Lots of stomach viruses going on in my area, lasting up to 5 days.

I have been so tired for 2 weeks now. Working 10-8 then turn around and come in the next day at 6 am is hard. I’m hoping scheduling gets better once the new girl is trained.
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My eldest niece is getting married in July on a Friday evening. The entire extended family is invited. MIL and FIL are planning to attend. It is a four hour drive each way and an overnight stay. Please note this is MIL with a catheter and late stage Parkinsons usually requiring transport chair for more than 20 feet who lives in SNF due to care level required. MIL has not had an overnight stay with only FIL to help since she got the catheter. So the hinting and help hunting has begun. FIL: How are you getting to wedding? Hubs: driving. FIL: Oh, so are we but we’ll have to stay overnight too far to drive 8 hours in one day. No hotels available but FIL got a suite... Hubs: we found plenty of rooms online. MIL: we are doing a dry run for a night before wedding. Practice for care then we are ready. We can manage just fine. Me to Hubs: i may not go to wedding. New job. And the last big family party/do before the catheter? Hubs, FIL and BIL left MIL with me. She kept hinting about how much help she needed with a potty run and I finally rounded up hubs and FIL to help MIL instead of me. I Just Can’t. And a wedding? Who will help with fancy dress getting ready and pics? They don’t want to hire home health and she’s used to overnight aides. Think positive thoughts...
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Guest, just in case, put a sling in your purse and if there's an emergency pop it on and say "oh dear I'd love to help but my arm..."

Whose child is niece? It might be no bad idea to send the bride's parents a "for the avoidance of doubt I am not going anywhere near MIL's smelly catheter" email too, as well as alerting them to the proper pickle MIL and FIL are making of their travel arrangements.
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((((Duck))))) When are you going to visit your son? For how long?

Guest - I think I would MURDER those men if they'd done that to me....leaving me "in charge" of someone's toileting needs like that! Sounds like a nightmare you've got coming up. I think I'd probably just get very drunk and make myself incapable of "helping." Someone needs toileting? "OMG, I'm so tipsy, the room is spinning!" Plop down clumsily in the nearest chair. Maybe cover my mouth like I might vomit, too.

Well, getting mom out of the hospital is kind of a schmozzle so far. Apparently when someone is in the hospital, home support "suspends" services. Even though I've been leaving messages with updates every day! So now I have no idea if anything will be in place when I bring her home. No services tonight for sure, anyway.  PLUS I had arranged for early service tomorrow morning - I have to get mom out of the apartment early, because the Hydro workers will be in the area and have to shut off the power at 9 AM (mom lives on the 6th floor - no power, no elevator). Now we might not have that, either, unless scheduling can find someone. Waiting on home support to get back to me about what they can pull together....

Then the social worker says the doctor hasn't been yet, and she's not sure if he'll discharge her because her blood pressure has been high for a couple of days. Well, her blood pressure is high because of her anxiety about being in the hospital! I told the SW I was taking mom home today regardless, because I'm not leaving her there to self-harm. She said she'd check in with mom and the charge nurse after rounds and get back to me. Waiting for that call now, also....

Sigh. I think it really would've been easier to suck it up and keep her home while I was sick.
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I was going to keep editing my last post but that's just confusing me.

WHY is this so dumb? What the eff are caregivers supposed to do when they're sick? You have to sit in the ER with your LO for hours - while you're sick - and hope some doctor you've never met before is sympathetic enough to check them into the hospital for you. Then when you feel even a little better so you can bring your LO home, your home support services aren't in place. But you need them more than ever, because you've been sick!

And you COULD put your LO in a care facility for respite, or if they need to be somewhere, you could just send them with this $80 stretcher service....but you need to organize all that in advance, so you'd just better KNOW when you're going to get sick!!

OMG I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW! This is RIDICULOUS! I can totally see pre-arranging things if you need a break or you've got a planned medical procedure or something....but who the heck KNOWS when they're going to get SICK!!??? No! You wake up, you're sick! Boom!

Everyone asks, don't I have any family or friends that can help out? Sure, and they do (my friends anyway), when they can. But they all have jobs, and parents and kids and grandkids to look after themselves.

The health care system here places this HUGE emphasis on keeping people at home, get them out of the hospital and get them home, where patients do better. BUT HOW? How are we supposed to do that, when basically our options as caregivers are a) kill ourselves trying to do everything no matter what, or b) stick our LOs permanently in a care facility where they don't want to be, plus didn't y'all just say to get them HOME????

ARGLEBLARGLEAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edit:  I think it's time I write to the Minister of Health.
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dori - (((((()hugs))))) between a rock and a hard place. Somehow I think you needed the time to yourself to recover. Hope you can work something out with the sw. I too totally understand the stress of having more people around. Hope mum's transition to home goes smoothly. Frankly my mother is fine in an nh and I can get sick in the comfort of my own home, or in a hotel if I am travelling as is the case this past week. I don't know how you do it. The system ought to have a plan for caregivers when they get sick.

duck - hope your mum had a good birthday. I am glad you looked after yourself. Hope the visit to your son happens soon and it is a great break for you.

sharyn -thx. I am concerned about the effects of smoke lasting for years. Hope your schedule changes before long - sounds like too much!

Guest - oh nooooo!!!! I think I would stay home. What a mine field! No doubt the men are planning on leaving the cath care to you again. Keep us informed!

cm - good suggestions.

Wanted to get some stuff done today, but the fm has kicked in. The realtor and bank lady are up to date. The realtor is watching out for other units for me, and I have an apptmt next week with the bank lady to adjust my pre-approval so as to be ready for next time. Eventually the right unit will come along.

Looking forward to getting home tomorrow. It's been a while.
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golden - I suspect you are probably right. It actually was kind of nice - if I HAD to be sick - to have three days with no other people around. To sleep when I wanted and just stumble around the apartment in my underwear are luxuries I took for granted!

SO I just heard from home support - they managed to get a morning service for 8:15 tomorrow morning - which is cutting it close but it will do. And a dinner service, but no bedtime service because so many people are sick (it's not just me!). Then they're going to work on the rest.

Right after that, the SW called. She was down in mom's ward when the doc came around. Apparently his concern NOW is mom's physical mobility and he wants her assessed by physio, and would prefer her to stay till after dialysis tomorrow. But the SW told her my concerns, so he was going to try and get the physio person there today. And I have to sign a form taking responsibility for her discharge. Which....fine.

I guess I'm going to make my way to the hospital shortly, then.
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