The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

dori - you needed the break!!! Hope mum's return works out ok. You know she has mobility problems. I guess they are just doing their job. Glad you have some care in place. Hope her lip biting and BP issues disappear once she is home with you. Looks like this flu is pretty widespread. Keep us updated.

My mother has dementia and is 85 years old. My sister took her into live for about over a year until my sister became burnt out. So she made the plan to move her in a senior living home and made the final say in that process without including my mother or I. I tried to help when I could if she asked, but she turned down my offers. Although, her job also effected her and she developed anxiety. I had no idea how bad it was until my sister became distant and then met our mom and I to tell us how she felt. She pretty much blamed me for not helping out enough and told my mother that she was exhausted from taking care of her. We have another sister and 2 brothers that live out of State. My sister is close with 1 of my brothers. I tried to be understanding and stepped up helping out more. My sister went on disability temporarily to get well. After going back to work she reverted back to having anxiety. I kept my distance because she was not nice at times. Then I get a call from her with little detail that she wanted to retire early to move in the state where my brother lives in about 2-3 months. But, she had 2 more years left before retiring. I was supportive at first because I thought it would be later down the road. I get a call the next week from her dumping all the responsibilities of caring for our mother. I was overwhelmed and upset. She also told me that I had to figure everything out myself on what was needed to take care of her. I also will have to move her into a new home because she will have to go on Medicaid when her money runs out. I am distraught, crying a lot, loosing sleep and I am having trouble being understanding about the my sister's situation. I have not spoken to her since. I feel so hurt that she and my other siblings have not offered us/me any help when my mother's memory started to decline. I realize that they live else where, but you would think that they would connect to find out how we are doing. I am still raising 3 young children. My husband owns several businesses to support our family while I am a stay at home mom. My husband can help some, but he is working his butt off and I don't expect him to do it. My poor mother feels hurt about the situation and feels she is a burden to me and misses her kids. If anyone may be in a similar situation I would love to here your story and take any advice on how to deal with the anger I have for my siblings. I feel alone, rejected and abandoned by my family for closing their eyes/running away from this issue.

golden - I think I still need a proper break! I realized it trying to get mom back home. I'm going to talk to the SW again about what's available, and see if I can do a planned respite.

Well, mom is home, happily ensconced on the couch in front of Call the Midwife. I actually got half a salad with chicken and about a third of a baked potato into her tonight! Which is possibly more "real" food than she's eaten at home in months. (Maybe she appreciates it more after eating hospital food??) I think she's fine. The physiotherapist did see her, and did suggest in-home physiotherapy, which I said yes to. Not sure what it will do at this point, but if it helps....

amarie - welcome to the dysfunctional families thread! I think you'll find lots of us here have been through some really frustrating stuff with our siblings and other family members. I have one brother, who does nothing, who rarely visits or calls. So I'm on my own with this too, looking after mom at home - but no little ones to look after, thank heavens. Honestly, first thing I'd suggest is getting in touch with a social worker. The social worker at my mom's renal unit has been a lifeline to me! I would have had no idea what to do or how to organize any of it, without her, and she's done so much of the organizing for me. I'm not sure how this works in the US - if there's a SW attached to the facility she's in, or if you can go through a hospital, or.....anyway, maybe some of your fellow Americans can help out with this? Also....breathe. I know you are totally overwhelmed, but you will only be able to do one thing at a time anyway, so maybe we can help figure out what one thing that should be!

Speaking of dysfunctional families.....

Yesterday mom's sister phoned mom's landline about 5 times and finally left a message, apologizing to mom for "everything that upset you" and saying that she wants to be friends again. Ok, that's nice. THEN, she called again today, just as I was heading out the door to get mom. I told her what had been going on, and she asked me to get mom to call her. Ok.

THEN....hooboy. We'd been home about 30 minutes when the phone rang. Sure enough, mom's sister. Mom answered, and I don't know what exactly was said, but basically her sister talked for two minutes, and when mom hung up, she said, "Apparently S---- (my cousin) wants to call me."

Dunno if you guys remember my cousin, my mom's nephew. I broke up his relationship a couple of months ago when I called the RCMP on their mutual domestic violence towards each other, because I was afraid for my aunt.

Even my grandfather used to say, "S---- only visits when he wants money." That turned out to be the only times he called my mother after grandad died, as well. The last 2 times, I put my foot down. In the first instance, he phoned over and over, wrote epic messages to her on Facebook, begging, trying to guilt mom into co-signing a mortgage. Because he was so "burdened" with caring for her sister and, you know, had a terrible childhood and the family owes him something I guess? (Wake up sweetie, we all had terrible childhoods.) I stepped in and told him to take a flying leap. So then he found a new girlfriend and miraculously had a co-signer on a new mortgage.

After she broke up with him, he couldn't get a re-mortgage on his own, so he called and wrote to my mom begging AGAIN. AGAIN I told him to jump in a lake. (We actually had a back-and-forth on Facebook messenger that I found wholly satisfying, from a telling-someone-off point of view.) So he slunk away and AGAIN, he found a new girlfriend to co-sign a new mortgage, on a different place. That was the relationship I just called the RCMP on.

WHAT do you suppose he wants to chat with my mother about?

He's such a douchecanoe. He's so sleazy and gross, oozing false charm all over everything like greasy slime! And what's up with these women who co-sign mortgages with men they barely know? How dumb do you have to be?

Mom said, "What do you think he wants? Money, probably." I told her to just let me handle it. Which I would anyway, since bro and I have POA. Cousin doesn't know that yet. I'm kind of looking forward to telling him. Mwahahaha.

Thanks Dorianne. It's nice to hear from someone who cares -I broke down in tears from reading your response.

I was planning on calling the social worker today. I need help with my mother's meds and I am hoping they can help me with that first. I have to get a lawyer to protect any assets mother may have. I don't want the home(s) to take advantage of her. And lawyers are expensive. Anyways that is my plan today-call the SW. I appreciate your ideas and support!!! Anyone else like to comment please do. The support helps.

I hope your cousin will leave you alone so you can have peace with your mom. Peace for now.

I have missed a lot.

Golden I think I just read your mother is 106. Glad she is okay.

Dori hug, hug, hug. Glad your mom is better. Caregiving is not for punks. (LoL). Its just plain wierdness that we feel guilty when we are sick. I clearly remember my mother just fussing at me on way home from a near death pnemonia. "do you know how sick you were?!" I dont know what your health system is like but I wish you the best in this stressful situation. You deserve a break; we are only human flesh and blood.. we get sick we bleed, we cry we hurt just like everyone else. I acutally had to listen to my inner thought saying I needed to start taking care of myself for a change. Anyways rest easy. Enjoy the little freedom you have now because it'l be right back to the drawing board before you know it. I have forgotten the new word you shared a while back which was so funny, seems you have a gift. Cous is in for a nice little shock!

Amarie, You are in the right forum. this site has saved my sanity, my self esteem, so much more. I reached out and I got a diverse weatlth of help and information. I learned about narcisssism which is what I was dealing with was the first thing. Then there was a lot more to come and still does. The site is full of wonderful loving people going through or have been there done that. Keep posting, keep venting. Its hard to believe and digest some of the things my family does or did. Some things I find that I am still in denial but the understanding and support goes a long way around here. So keep posting. You are not alone. And for sure there is going to be someone out here whose advice will help change your life. I had quite a few of those. You will get witty, honest, funny, loving, understanding. Welcome aboard.

@Dorianne--douchecanoe lol. Loved that. I've had cousin (who was never
around until parents declined), drinking, drugging "handyman"/adopted
son, variety of schmoozy church types, all who engage in excessive flattery
and new bestie vibes to try and grasp onto my father's financials. It is sooooo
aggravating. No one seems to consider that he might need every damn cent.
Sheesh. And of course guess who does all the work??

Amarie- My siblings deserted My parents when I began caregiving. One calls when I suggest it to him. The other 4 have not contacted her in four years.
I don't know, it seems I read and hear a lot of these stories. When one starts caregiving the others are missing in action, or have nothing but criticism.
Don't feel bad, I cry often. It is healthy, helps in stress relief for your body. Not as much as I use to, now it gets less and less. But we all have good and bad days. Hang in there.

May God bless you through this struggle.

Dori- Glad your Mom is home, and eating well. I bet she missed you so much. Sorry your cousin is trying to get himself in the picture. But, you seem to have it under control.

So today I came home to find my mother upstairs. My twisted's birthday was yesterday the day after my mother's. (I have never wondered why they are so much alike in spirit it amazes me my sister hates when I say she is just like my mother) anyways long story short. I moved into my mothers house when my landlord sold her home. Broke my heart. Took my mother 2 days to tell me to take my things to the only availiable room in the house all the others were filled with junk. It is very hard for me to make a story short.

I mention how my sister seemed stressed. Or sometimes this look like she is caught. I thought she was on verge of breakdown. could still be. Be what pissed me off recently, is the bathroom on my floor was loaded with junk and the cat litter box. When I put it out to start cleaning my sister put it back in. I ask my mother to tell her to find another place for it and of course she cannot correct my sister nerver has at least not for me. twisted had locked her bathroom which I noticed my first night moving on the floor below her.I ran up to use bathroom and the door was locked. I lived on that floor for years and never locked that door. I felt outcast and even worse when twisted my mother and the cat had a bathroom. Yes I thought to throw the box out, but I have respect and know my place. It was not my house. Anyways I had noticed that the bathroom door was being closed I would open it and see the cat litter box full and not changed. It wasnt every day i look. But when I went up second time to see what my mother was doing I saw a new cat litter box. I almost went from zero to 100. How can someone just leave a litter box with s&^%t in it and just close the door. So I wont have time this week to do make over in that bathroom but at least now I can move all the junk out clean it up and start using the toilet. There is no running water. Now if I find anything in there I didnt put in there Its trash. After all these many years I finally get to get a bathroom. I dont know if I was wrong to accept that situation or not. I just know that my mother was taking my sister side on every thing right or wrong.

So the second time I go up there to try and get my mother to get up and go downstairs, she was adamant to stay up there. mY sister'as door was closed. When I leave out to get dressed for work I hear tv going I go up looking to see what my mother is up to and my sister sittiing up in bed my mother no where to be found. when I get down she is in kitchen looking for something to eat, I heat up here meals on wheels, she still rambling in fridge and picks out another meal so I heat that one. She doesnt like the burger one and puts it in the oven so I warm up the fish one while in the shower. When I leave to go to work she is back up stairs again now talking to the tv lol. But on the real side I thing my sister will soon get the wake up call that my mother needs a homeattendant.

Godwilling I will be on a plane to Korea the first or second week in July and returning the first week of august. I already spoke to my coordinator. Got passport in mail today just need to check with my son what best day to get there.

After being sick, different not with the lungs, and partiallyt debillitated I realize I need a break. I am tired of traveling to job even though I love it. Its taking a toll, because all my sleep is broken. When I stayed on the job I slept untill I naturally woke. not from some one bamming or inserting keys to unlock my door.

I know I am burnt out. I am getting old, and my stamina for BS is much lower. I also had radiology calling me a few times last week after my test. I finally got back to them and it was for the mamogram they wanted to compare with older one. so thank goodness I got good sleep on job because I couldnt sleep after that call. So about 3 I left to get copy and report they sent it from there so I got to work a good 45mins early.

Well enough of my trials. I hope you all are good. Golden so glad about you doing the condo I wish you much luck in finding your next home.

Rays of love peace and light to all. Have a happy Memorial day.

Duck- (HUGS)

Just a quick drive-by on my way to bed.  Another chaotic day here.  (((((Hugs))))) to all, and to all a good night!

Amarie, sounds like your sister tried to do everything on her own with your mom. I have a sister who flew back home about every 4 or 5 years for a month stay. In those times, she took over care-giving mom. Yeah, it was great when she did that. But every 4 or 5 years? I haven't had a real vacation - away from home - like most normal people have. My 2 week vacation was staying home to caregive mom while my dad his 'off' from caregiving mom 24/7. It's also very, very difficult to separate your full time work and caregiving. Stress from both sides. I have fantasized repeatedly of doing what your sister did with you - to my oldest brother who lives just next door ( a few feet from us!) I sympathize to both of you: you and your sister.

1. Yes, the social worker first. He/She can help you set up with everything. The social worker came to our home and even got the fire department to come over and inspect our home before mom came home from the hospital, bedridden. The fire dept inspector said that our parent's bedroom was a fire hazard and the doorway wasn't wide enough for EMS stretcher to transfer mom in/out of the room. The livingroom became mom's 'bedroom'. The inspector recommended fire extinguishers (where to put it) and emergency lights that turn on when the power goes off, etc...

The social worker got the ball rolling for mom's hospital bed, cane, wheelchair, and portable chair/commode. She got dad enrolled for meals-on-wheels, etc....

2. Then, you need to find a lawyer who specializes in Elder Law. Most elder law attorneys handle a wide range of legal matters affecting an older or disabled person, including issues related to health care, long term care planning, guardianship, retirement, Social Security, Medicare/Medicaid, and other important matters.

This is important that you get proper documents for POA for medical issues and financial issues, DNR, etc... It'll prevent heartaches and hardships later when your mom can no longer make decisions for herself.

Amarie - excellent advice from bookluvr! Do please let us know how the chat with the social worker went!

Hey again everyone! Just buzzing by quickly. The home support agency got our services back in place, so I am off on my respite block shortly. Yay! Not quite up to swimming yet, but since kitten Bruce has missed his weekly outings two weeks in a row, we are going to have a "mother-son" day, lol. I think we'll stop by the pet store and get some treats and a new toy, and then head to a park so he can finally see a marmot or a duck or something. I'll check back in later.

A hole in the ground!

Glad, Congratulations! 🎉🏡

So exciting!

Yay, Glad

Glad, Wonderful news! Now you need a big sign out front, FUTURE HOME OF GLAD!!! It's go in be an exciting Adventure!

Awesome, glad!

Duck - "Caregiving is not for punks"....that gave me a chuckle!

bettina - Sadly I cannot claim credit for "douchecanoe." I think I got it The Bloggess (one of the funniest blogs you'll ever read).

smeshque - Part of why I'm looking forward to telling cousin that bro and I have POA is I'm hoping he'll try his game on bro. He'll find dealing with me was enjoyable by comparison! Lol.

Well, I didn't get Bruce a toy or treats - I went looking for travel water bowls and wound up buying a carry sling! That little poop has gotten WAY too heavy to carry! We spent a couple of hours in the park, and yes, he did see both a marmot AND several ducks. He seemed to have a pretty good time just sniffing and watching things, and....there's just something about a cat on a leash that makes people giggle when they see it. If I could train him to actually WALK on the leash, I bet I'd have 50 new friends a day. It was really nice to just lay in the grass by the water and chill for a couple of hours, too. Except for the mosquitoes. The river is super high right now, and I killed 10 (I counted) skeeters in the process of trying to eat me.

I ordered some books that arrived in the mail today, too, so that was a nice bonus.  Turns out I love getting new books that way.  Reminds me of the Scholastic Reader's Club in school....mom would always let me order three at a time from the catalogue, and only three (we were on a budget).  It was soooo exciting when the big box arrived in the classroom; I'd be practically bouncing in my seat waiting for them to be distributed!  (Yeah, I'm a nerd.) 

I wound up talking with a health unit nurse last night (apparently they work in the evening too - she called me). I said that I haven't had a real day off since last June, and thought I could use some real respite, like maybe a week, which we'd have to pay for (mom can afford it). So she's going to look into finding a bed at Ponderosa Lodge - a short-term care facility run by the regional health authority. I think I can convince mom to accept this if it were planned, especially if she knows it's a short-term facility only (knowing that I'm not putting her in a home!), and if I could take her and show her around the place. It's right next door to the hospital where mom does dialysis. And it's actually pretty nice - all the rooms are private (important!), and there are private lounge rooms, nice gardens, sun rooms, and even spa rooms! My dad's mom stayed there while waiting for a long-term bed.

I don't even know yet what I'd do with an entire WEEK!

And an entire week when you are not sick, Dori! Wonderful!

Yes Doris, you deserve it!

PS: I Loved the Scholastic Book Club delivery day too! Sure wish I'd have kept all those books for my Grandies! Funny, they still have the Club though, and my 3rd grade Grandson is always asking me if I'll buy him books. It's so fun to sit down with him and the new catalog to pick out books, but boys do go for the cars, the scary and still the Dinosaur ones. Oh, to be a kid again!

Babies! almost as exciting as a hole in the ground. I can see two and mama. They like peanut butter.

what babies???

dori - you still need a break -I am sure of it and am glad you are looking into it. Sounds like you and your bro can cope well with the cousin

amarie - it is overwhelming. I too have thought about walking away and leaving everything up to my sis but could not do it. Get all the help you can!!! Good advice from book

Money does seem to be a big motivatior for non caregiving relatives.

Duck I am sure you need a break. So glad you will have a good one visiting your son. Getting away by myself a bit was so good for me. The condo didn't work out but something will.

book -great advice from a pro!!!

Whacked from the trip, but should be on the way up tomorrow.

Yesterday there was an out of control forest fire not that far away, and the smoke was awful. Then today the city was working on the gravelled area across from the house which they made into a temp parking lot, and now are removing the gravel. Between the two, I coughed my boots up this morning The fire has been brought under control and the sky is clearing. Hopefully most of the gravel moving is done.

I will be keeping my gas tank full while the fire hazard is this high and maybe keep a bag partly packed.

R had to go right back will return from the south once he has looked after livestock issues there and then will continue with house repairs. Once I get some energy. I have a sort of plan for tackling what I have to do. It seems more and more doable as time goes on and my urge to move increases.

I need some pillows from the hotel we stay in. I get congested with allergies and tend to snore sometimes, but if I prop myself up with these big fluffy pillows, less congestion and no snoring and a better night's sleep. I have been trying a combination of all the pillows in the house, but they aren't as comfy as the big hotel ones. Maybe a wedge pillow would be best.

Take care all - do something good for you

Raccoon babies, the uploaded avatar is not very good.

Ahh - fun and cute!!

golden - I got a wedge pillow recently because of waking up with neck pain-induced headaches and stuffiness after sleeping. It helps a lot!

glad - oh goodness, how cute! (Also did you get your rabies vax? Lol!)

Turns out I bought some vodka iced tea coolers to "celebrate" the last long weekend (consolation for being stuck inside). It was right before I got sick, so I forgot all about it! I just spotted it again when home support was making mom's Ensure milkshake.

Mmmm. Boozy peach tea.

Boozy peach tea and James Comey's new book.  Or should I maybe take in the Joni Mitchell bio with the booze?  Well, either way, I'm all set for a belated Victoria Day weekend.

Years ago, my acid reflux was choking me at nights. I would wake up gasping, choking, and couldn't breathe in or out. At the time, I had checked all the stores for a wedge pillow. Nothing. I tried the home care store. Nothing. I ended up ordering several from Amazon because I just didn't know which kind will work. None of it did. It was too high, too hard, etc... I finally took the plunge and ordered a long, kind of flat (compared to the ones I bought) wedge pillow that folds in half. At the time, it had cost $70.00 + shipping $50.00. It came with a pillow cover.

Because it was flatter than the other wedges I bought, I had to use a pillow on top of the wedge pillow in order to keep me elevated enough to prevent acid reflux.

It was perfect - except I kept sliding down every night. When I woke up, I was practically at the bottom of the wedge. And my head would tilt uncomfortably, that I woke up with stiff neck and severe neck pain that lead to migraines. I remembered using the traveling U-shape neck pillow to hold my head in place. That only lasted a few months. It wasn't an ideal solution. I finally found the perfect pillow from China (via Ebay) with microbeads. I can now squish the pillow to hold the side of my head in place, and squish some more to add more bulk just under my neck to support it.

I was talking to someone about what I went through to get used to a wedge pillow. She asked me how I prevented the sliding down part because she's having that problem. Ohhhh... I used to have just one pillow right below my knees but I would wake up with my butt on top of the pillow. Back ache from unnatural sleeping position. I have to use 2 pillows to keep me on the wedge - one pillow is flat, and the 2nd pillow is a bit fuller.... Not ideal because I do still slide down a bit but at least I'm not at the bottom of the wedge.

book - maybe we got the same one? I got this one.....

www.amazon.ca/gp/product/B011WDHAMY/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o07_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

......20 cm size (just shy of 8" at the top).

I guess I do slide down sometimes! But not often. I also use a flat pillow with it, but I find I kind of sleep on the edge of that one. And I sleep hugging a big fat pillow with both arms - which I've done for years, so I don't know if that makes the difference. I did get a little back or rib pain at first but it's tapered off. (I think it does help to change the side I sleep on occasionally.....plus it honestly seemed minor compared to the neck and shoulder stuff I had going on.)

On the balance, I know I'm getting better sleep and having a better life....because I don't wake up as often at night to change my position, and I don't wake up with a brutal headache from ungodly neck and shoulder pain every 4 or 5 days. I'm way less stuffed up, too, which has always been a problem, given there's usually a cat or two in my face when I wake up!

That said, I've only had it for a month! I remember speaking in rapturous tones over my $200 contour pillow, but that comfort eventually fizzled out like your neck pillow comfort did, book!

I use that $200 pillow as window dressing now, BTW, since it's stiff enough to stand up on its own and block the morning light from hitting my face (because I'm too lazy to take the plants off the sill and pull the blinds all the way down every night)! Lol!

Edit:  oh, the other thing the wedge is really brilliant for is lying on your back reading in bed!!

Dori, I got the InteVision folding wedge pillow with a carrying case. I actually bring my wedge pillow when I overnight at sis. I’m currently shopping online trying to find a decent inflatable wedge pillow for when I visit niece this year.

www.amazon.com/InteVision-Folding-Wedge-Pillow-Carrying/dp/B00EN6KKZW/ref=sr_1_31_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1527325184&sr=8-31&keywords=wedge+pillow+for+acid+reflux